Okay, so right off the bat, I want to be clear about my purpose in writing these recaps: I want Kathy Griffin to read them and send me an email. Doesn't have to be a complimentary email -- though seriously, I love her, so I have no idea why it'd be an angry email. At worst, it'd be something in the vein of a restraining order, but so long as it comes from Kathy herself, I'm cool with that. Anyway, I just thought I'd be straight-up with you all. I figure if anyone would appreciate such naked social climbing and starfucking, it'd be Kathy Griffin. On with the show!
Kathy kicks the fourth season off with a recap of what she's been up to since last year. Things like, say, winning an Emmy and delivering her "Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!" speech. All the usual suspects got up in arms, and Kathy got a shitload of publicity, and don't tell anyone, but I heard that Jesus did suck it. And liked it. Kathy also started dating former Apple nerd pioneer Steve Wozniak, who we see riding his hefty self around on a Segway and being a math geek. And Kathy and her mom have been coping with the death of Kathy's dad. Said coping appears to involve a lot of...wine from a bottle?? Too good for the boxed wine now that you've gone all Hollywood, Ma Griffin?
Kathy reminds us of the Team Griffin roster: Jessica, the veteran; Tiffany, her eager assistant; and Tom, Kathy's bitch boy. We're promised more D-List shenanigans, more repressed-Catholic vulgarity, and a whole lotta that Emmy statue.
After the credits, and some stand-up about Britney (I'm sure this was all recorded before we, as a culture, decided to stop talking about Britney for the good of us all and focused exclusively on the Lohans and Audrina Patridge), it's back to the house where Kathy (who is looking way more natural this season, which I applaud; there's at least a 75% chance that that's her real hair) tells Team Griffin that she's going to be co-hosting CNN's New Year's Eve coverage with Anderson Cooper. They talk about the year-in-review stuff she could cover, including Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears. Kathy jokes about advocating an abortion for Jamie Lynn (seventeen years too late for that one I'm sorry), though that might turn the Jesus people against her even more. Yeah, maybe. She interviews that this is her chance to be recognized for her hard-hitting coverage of Britney's crotch...and how it affects the Middle East. She tells Jessica and Tiffany that they're allowed to drink, so long as they don't embarrass Mrs. Kathy in front of Anderson. There's also a joke about kissing Anderson on his balls, but I really don't feel comfortable joking about Anderson Cooper's balls.
Ma Griffin -- we can call her "Maggie," I suppose, because we're close -- stops by, and Kathy interviews that Anderson Cooper might be useful in winning her mom over again after the whole "suck it, Jesus" thing. Man, this recap is definitely the most times I've typed "suck it, Jesus" in one sitting. Anyway, Maggie's psyched about Anderson (she thinks he's "darling"), and is even onboard with Kathy calling him "Andy," but she's still prefer it if Kathy laid off the "f" word and the religious jokes for one night.
Team Griffin flies out to New York, and Kathy is immediately welcomed by the cops and the gays. It's a hearty constituency Kathy boasts, one only an Irish Catholic could truly pull off. Back in the hotel, Kathy once again lays down the "no drunken brawling, no titty shots" ground rules for the night. Tiffany comes up with an idea for a game -- every time Kathy calls Anderson "Andy" on air, Tiffany and Jessica will drink a shot. Kathy thinks Tiffany's onto something here.
it's off to Times Square to check the structural integrity of the CNN platform. It's...fine. You know, unless there was a big collapse on New Year's that I never heard about, I'm not sure how this scene's going to pay off in the end.
Kathy meets with Robert Verdi, who's designing her outfit for tonight. Robert will be familiar to you if you watch any of those 25 Worst Celebrity Fashion Disasters things on E! He's like a less-scary Cojo. He comes armed with the happy tidings that Kathy and Eva Longoria wear the same size. None of Robert's choices match the "sweatsuit with Uggs" aesthetic that Kathy had in mind, but it's all cute. "Sexy socialite" is the style.
With two-and-a-half hours left until midnight, Team Griffin gathers to come up with material that, Kathy interviews, needs to make Anderson Cooper laugh. The lady's got her priorities straight. There's a fatwa gag and a waterboarding gag, and Jessica suggests another drinking game (red flag!). Kathy faux-indignantly interviews that Team Griffin needs to take this seriously, but back in the hotel, you can tell Kathy's actually getting the performance jitters.
After the break, Kathy interviews that she wants to make all the drunks in Times Square laugh tonight. Even the ones who puke on her. Amanda from CNN shepherds Kathy to the CNN booth, and along the way, Kathy preps with notecards. This kind of thing is maybe my favorite part of the show. Past the mugging and the winky-wink stuff, you get these moments where you see what a dedicated pro Kathy is.
Anderson Cooper nearly falls down some stairs trying to meet up with Kathy. He jokes that he's drunk, but the truth is he becomes a giggly little girl around Kathy Griffin. If you've ever seen her needle him on Larry King, you know this is true. Whatever power Anderson Cooper has on the rest of us where we become giggling little girls when we see him, Kathy Griffin's able to make that boomerang back onto him. It's her superpower. Anyway, Kathy runs her jokes past Anderson, and he "reveals" that there's no seven-second delay on tonight's broadcast (no time-delay on the New Year's Eve ball drop? Who knew??), so if she says "Suck it, Jesus," it's going out to the whole universe. Hilariously, Tiffany immediately starts shaking her head in dire anticipation.
We see footage from Anderson and Kathy's New Year, with Kathy making jokes and Anderson giggling like mad. It's adorable. Meanwhile, Tiffany and Jessica duck into a nearby bar to begin the drinking game in earnest. Kathy interviews that she was worried Jessica was gonna get hammered, run up in front of a camera, and say "Fuck you, China!" and start World War III. I have to say, if they really wanted to run a rehab arc with Jessica, that'd be a hell of a place to start. Back on air, Kathy tells Anderson about the "Andy" drinking game, and back at the bar, Tiffany and Jessica get to drinkin'. Five shots later and the eyelids are looking droopy.
Kathy and Anderson count down to midnight, but Kathy's threats of an aggressive tongue-kissing go unfulfilled. And then we cut right to the post-mortem, with Anderson joining Team Griffin for a recap of the night's events. Tiffany and Jess are blitzed. Actually, scratch that, Tiffany's doing okay, but Jessica is slurring like crazy. Kathy then goes back to making Andy laugh, peppering him with questions about Bill O'Reilly and calling him a "fucker." Anderson's eating it up, proving once again that the gays truly love Kathy Griffin.
Team Griffin strides triumphantly through Times Square, Tom propping Jessica's drunk ass up so she doesn't fall down and puke on herself. Back in the hotel, Tom and Tiffany drag Jess off to bed while Kathy fields a call from Ma Griffin, who sounds pretty soused herself. Delightfully so.
After the break, Kathy does some stand-up about her boyfriend Steve Wozniak and how he used to send her sweet, yet confusing, science-laden love notes. Just in case you were curious as to how a billionaire was still single at his age. Kathy interviews that Woz is going to be her date to the Producers Guild Awards, where she's nominated, and he's coming over beforehand to meet her mom. So Kathy sets out to prep her mom, a process which does require a bottle of wine. Maggie does acknowledge that she prefers boxed (good to know fame hasn't totally warped her), but this will do. Kathy reads the other PGA nominees for her mom: Extreme Home Makeover, 60 Minutes, and Planet Earth, which Kathy notes was one of Oprah's favorite things. Kathy seems to know she's fucked with that last one.
Kathy interviews that she's also presenting at the PGAs, so the producer of the show, Michael Levitt, comes by to go over what Kathy's going to say -- and hopefully not say. "Jesus" appears to be one verboten topic. Levitt really just doesn't want Kathy to get him fired. He says Chris Daughtry will be performing, so Kathy asks, "While Clive Davis blows him?" Ohhhhhh. That was a good one. Kathy asks if she can lay into Oprah since she won't be there, then mocks her fellow nominees, while Levitt acts all theatrically nervous and generally comes across like the spineless glad-handler he probably is. Kathy bitterly mocks Planet Earth in an interview, saying she's going to make a show called Uranus that's about your butt. "Where's my award?"
Steve Wozniak is captioned as "Nerdy Billionaire," and Kathy calls him "the only billionaire I know who wears a backpack." Um, excuse me Kathy, I believe there's a little girl called Dora the Explorer I'd like you to meet. So Maggie and Steve meet and bond over wine and chocolate while Kathy franticly makes fun of them both. Talk turns to the PGAs, and we learn that Woz doesn't know who any of the presenters are because he doesn't watch TV. Which is awesome because it gives me grounds to look down my nose at a billionaire computer genius. Doesn't watch TV. One of those people. Anyway, Kathy threatens to tell the Virgin Mary to suck it this time, and Maggie threatens to not do the show anymore if she does. That's a threat that'll stick, and Maggie knows it.
Kathy's hair guy helps spruce up Woz's mop, and he admits that he's seen a bit of Oprah, which Kathy finds interesting. Just more evidence that even the TV-less have Oprah imprinted on their brains.
Kathy's dress for the awards looks dynamite, and Maggie takes photos of her and Steve. In the limo, Steve nerds it up while hacking Kathy's Blackberry for her. Kathy warmly interviews that Steve is totally uninterested in Hollywood, but give him a gadget and he's in nerd heaven.
On the PGA red carpet, Kathy goofs around with Ricky Gervais, is tolerated by a nervous Christina Applegate, and is completely ignored by Michael Moore. I'd say that worked out as best as it possibly could have for her. At the awards, Planet Earth does indeed prevail, and Kathy shoots a double-bird from her table (which, I should note, is so far to the back of the room it can barely be glimpsed by her own camera crew). Kathy interviews about how Oprah "fucked" her by engineering the universe to award one of her favorite shows over Kathy. I suppose when you've already locked horns with Jesus, Oprah would be the logical step.
When it comes time for Kathy to present, she's not shy about letting the f-bombs fly while she bitches about Planet Earth. Kathy's presenting a "Visionary Award" to Simon Fuller for creating American Idol. You guys, I've been in the trenches with that show so long, I don't even know if I should be outraged or over it. Kathy interviews that the "Visionary" part is pretty much bullshit, but at the podium, she springboards into some jokes about Paula, then a crack or two about Oprah and Gayle (which are met by terrified silence, it should be noted). Kathy brings Woz onstage for the award she's presenting, offering a year of Steve Wozniak tech support to the winner of the category. Right before she opens the envelope, there's a loud POP which sounds like a champagne cork, so Kathy dutifully drops to the floor, then crawls up to the mic and croaks "Don't ever...make...an Oprah joke," before collapsing again. Hee. The Colbert Report ends up winning, but no one's there to accept the awards. Man, celebrities won't even accept an award if it means talking to Kathy. That's a bummer.
Kathy sums up her PGA gig as pretty D-List, given that she lost, she never got to meet Simon Fuller (who isn't even that great to begin with), and the Colbert folks didn't show. In the limo, she and Woz plot revenge against Planet Earth, and Kathy makes plans to move to Pluto in protest. Pfft. Like Oprah won't still be calling the shots out there.
Read about Kathy's gig hosting Bravo's A-List Awards here! And Joe R is totally not kidding about that e-mail thing. Hit him up, Kathleen!