The scene opens on a woman's feet swinging in an elliptical machine above a floor carpeted with a zebra rug. The camera pans out and we see Molly Shannon in her finest '80s aerobic workout gear -- bright purple leggings and leotard -- with a headset on, giggling confirmation for what sounds to be a date: "The Moonwalk at 6:30. Can't wait!" She tells the person on the other end of the line that he's a naughty Ned and then sighs about how "gorge" Lisa Rinna is on the Today Show. The (we assume) guy on the other end must be telling her that she looks like Rinna, because she's all mock-modest, "You think?! I never heard that before!" Her squealing is interrupted by the sound of breaks and a car door slamming. She hops off her machine and looks out the window to see a young woman unpacking her car. Molly mutters "What is SHE doing here!?" and then excuses herself from her gentleman phone-caller with an "I'll call you later sexy beast."
Selma Blair wheels her suitcase up the walk to the front door and lets out a shriek: "MOM!" Molly comes down the stairs as Selma enters (wearing hot pants and a belly shirt), but before she can ask what the hell she's doing there, Selma lets it out: "Mom, I'm getting a divorce. It's over. O-V-U-R." Molly tries to reason with her, saying, "Kimmy you can't get a divorce, you just got married," but Selma -- er, Kim stops her dead, invoking the phrase all mothers dread hearing from their daughters, "He wanted me to... DO things." Molly's strangely intrigued, until Kim corrects her, saying, "No, like, things. Like make dinner and crap like that." As she huffs up the stairs, Molly continues trying to talk her down, telling her she's being stupid. Kim whips around and exhorts, "Is Britney SPEARS stupid? Is Melanie GRIFFYNETHS stupid? Because they all left bad marriages! Could you get my bag?"
Molly chases her down the hall and proceeds to try to diffuse the situation, which apparently consists of Kim moving back in with her mother. And we get a rear shot of her get-up, so now it becomes clear that the leotard is of the thong variety. NICE! Kim barrels straight for her girlhood room, but Molly tries to stop her. She busts in and sees that her mother's converted it into her home gym. "What did you do to my room? You turned it into a freakin' Curves!" Then apparently getting distracted, she notices the décor. "Oh, hey, that zebra rug is cute!" But then reality sets in and she starts to melt down again, asking her mom where all her Care Bears went. "If you took Teddy Vedder to the Salvation Army, I'm gonna freak out."
Molly chases her through the house, trying to talk sense into her distraught spawn, pointing out that she never gives anything a chance, including high school and her job at the car wash. Kim makes a beeline for the kitchen, where she announces that she needs cookies. Molly spins her around and gets real: "What did you think marriage was gonna be? Flying off in your private jet to have cocktails with the Prince of Del Monaco?" Kim counters, "Well I didn't sign up for cooking dinner or being interested in how anyone's day was. I'm a TROPHY wife, like Melania Trump and Mrs. Larry King Live!" They both pause to exchange gossip about the status of Larry King's marriage and the general state of Hollywood marriages.
And the credits! They're in a mall! Riding the escalator, all done up in Deb's spangliest!
up, we see Molly in the kitchen stirring something furiously whiles she watches Kim splayed out in the living room watching a video tape of her wedding, which resembles Bridezillas, and stuffing her face with potato chips. She shakes her head sadly, and voice-overs "I gave my whole life to Kim. This is supposed to be Kath time." Kim tears her eyes away from the screen to ask if they can go to Applebee's for dinner. Kath meanders over to the living room looking guilty and sputters out, "I have a boyfriend." Kim gets up, shocked, and tells her mom that that must be why she bought all those new sweaters. "Guilty!" says Kath cheerily. "That purple one with the panther is perfect. That is perfection," Kim blathers, getting sidetracked again by the minutiae. "I know, it's like they threw a panther in the air and caught it in embroidery," Kath gushes. Remembering that she's supposed to be pissed, Kim asks her mom who the loser is. She tells her his name is Phil Knight, and he's a knight in shining armor, comparing him to Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. "He's black?" Kim asks, confused and appalled. "No, he's Irish and Well-ish."
Kim skulks off, offended that her mom hadn't told her til now. Kath explains that she didn't want to tell her because she knows how protective she can be. Kim's like, well someone has to watch out for you, considering you're a loser magnet, and she makes the "L" on her forward a la Clueless. Kath protests, but Kim shuts her up with "Remember the guy who lived in the ice cream truck? Or the fat guy you gave all our money to? Or what about the guy who closed his eyes when he talked?" Kath agrees that that guy was creepy but says that Phil's different, and Kim better get on the train because she's pretty sure he's gonna propose to her at dinner tonight.
Some young, cute dude in a jersey barges into the room through the sliding door and greets Kath cheerfully before going over to Kim and accusing her of acting like a brat. So we can assume this is the estranged husband. Kath runs outside when she spies the neighbor cat digging up her rose bush, crying that everything is falling apart.
Hubbie warns Kim that she'd better come home because he is putting his foot down. Then he gets down on his knees and starts begging her. Kim responds by putting her fingers in her ears. He keeps going, "All I said was maybe you could microwave dinner once in a while. We can't go to Applebee's every single night, we are not billionaires." The camera cuts away to a shot of Kath chasing a cat with a garden hose. Craig (that's the husband's name) continues his pursuit, telling Kim that "seriously, dude -- I am losing it!" Kim tells him to just leave. Craig's like, "Fine. But if I take one step out this door [motions to the sliding glass door], you'll never see me again." Kim glowers at him and says, "Yeah I will, it's a glass door." As he stomps off, Craig exhales, "Gah, why do you have to be such a brainiac all the time?"
Kim turns the wedding video back on and watches footage of Craig getting into a fist fight during the reception, as she voices over: "I thought Craig was a rock star." She giggles, then looks ready to cry as she watches Craig tackling a dude in a cummerbund.
Kath is upstairs at her vanity, applying lip gloss for her big date. As she picks her teeth, she voice-overs, "I'm proud of where I am in life. Yes, I'm high maintenance, but you have to be. I cleanse and tone, but it's paid off." She fakes a laugh in the mirror, then continues her VO, saying that things are going well with Phil and she's not gonna let Kim screw them up, but before she finishes this thought she's interrupted by a loud thud. She springs up and mutters, "What the Bedazzle is she doing?" She storms out of her room and sees Kim grunting as she pushes exercise equipment out of her old room. "What are you doing with my Mini-Stepper?" she asks. "I can't sleep on a Mini-Stepper, Mom," Kim replies. A shoving match ensues, but is interrupted when Kim compliments Kath on her arms and her dreamcatcher earrings, which she's pretty sure Lindsay was wearing when she left rehab. Just then, the doorbell rings. Kath runs down to answer the door, warning Kim to be nice.
She runs down and poses by the side table, yelling "Come in if you're sexy!" Phil pokes his head in and then jumps into the foyer, embracing Kath and getting all cheesy-pervy. Kath stops him and introduces him to Kim, who's still on the stairs, arms crossed and looking superciliously down at him. Phil says "it's a pleasure to meet the lovely daughter of the lady who rocks my world." Yeah, he's one of those. After he awkwardly goes for a hug, then decides better of it, Kath excuses herself to grab her "clutch" and Phil makes a point of staring at her ass as she leaves. Phil launches into an opening gambit, making pleasantries, but Kim wanders off as he's mid-sentence, eyes rolled heavenward. Phil follows her into the kitchen, telling her that the time she's at the mall she should stop over at Phil's Sandwich Island and "pretty much anything you want is on the hizzee." Kim gives him a snotty "I've been there. No thanks." Phil asks what she does and she spins around, exasperated. "I'm a trophy wife." Phil looks confused, but Kath runs in to save him. Phil tells Kim that he's taking her mother out for a special dinner. Kath chimes in that they're going to have Chinese food. Kim deadpans that it's not so special for, like, eight billion Chinese people. Wow, she knows how many people live in China? You really can learn stuff from reading People!
Kath tells Phil to go out to the car while she says goodbye to Kim. As Phil leaves, Kath asks a mopey Kim if she wants her to tell her where she hid the Pecan Sandies. Kim sinks to the floor and says that she'll just sit here with her dreams in the trash.
we see Phil and Kath in their restaurant, and the camera pans over to Kim, who's unsurprisingly finagled her way into their special dinner. She asks for more fried wontons, whining that she's still hungry. Phil chimes in to say that back when he was Big Phil, he loved his fried wontons and his pizza and his pie. Kath explains to Kim that Phil lost 200 lbs. This seems to marginally impress Kim, who asks if he has any pictures of himself as a load. Kath mouths to a mock-innocent Kim that she's being a dick, as Phil admits that there is, in fact, a picture of him at the all-you-can-eat Denny's, and that he keeps asking them to take it down. But, he says, he'll live to fight another day on the beaches of France! This makes Kath giggle and Kim make a face, like, "Who the eff are these two dumb losers?"
Kim calls the waiter over and asks him to send over some dumplings to the cute guy at the table, who is clearly on a date. Kath asks what she thinks she's doing, and Kim explains that she's back on the market. Kath informs her that he appears to be with someone, to which Kim replies, "So what? I'm married."
Phil, resigned, throws up his hands and says that this is as good a time as any, and gets down on one knee to propose to Kath. "Kathay," he begins, "There's something I'd like to... propose to you." He's interrupted by the waiter, who comes to inform Kim that the woman whose date she sent the dumplings to is going to cut her throat if she doesn't back off. Indignant, Kim says that this is the reason she quit high school. "Because of jealous BITCHES like that," and jumps out of her seat, affecting a pose that appears to be a threat to the woman at the table. Kath tells her to sit down and zip her lip, and Kim goes back to sulking, saying "Thanks for ruining my night now."
Back at the homestead the day, Kim is at her laptop in the kitchen and Kath breezes in in a leopard-print nightie. Barely looking up, Kim asks if she heard that cat wailing last night. Kath says no, and Phil strides in wearing a short bathrobe with the same print as Kath's nightgown, asking if this "tired soldier" can get a cup of joe. Kim jumps up, grossed out when she realizes that those noises weren't the cat. Kath's like, "That's right -- we had a night of passion, and I'm not gonna be ashamed about it." Kim says she's going to be sick and Kath counters that maybe she wouldn't have to feel sick if she went back to Craig. Phil says he needs to hit the Island, and Kath asks if they're still on for sushi. Kim inserts herself into the conversation, saying "Sushi sounds good!" Kath gives her a withering look, which she doesn't seem at all aware of.
Later on, Craig's planted in front of the TV watching that blasted wedding video in what appears to be his apartment, sprawled on a black leather sectional. Kath bursts in and announces that he must get Kim to move back in. She explains that her budding romance is being ruined by Kim's constant presence. Kath levels with Craig and says that if he really loves Kim and wants her back, he's going to have to accept who she is and give up everything, like she's been doing for 27 years. Craig whines that he thought marriage was about having a best friend and a companion to go through life with. Kath pauses from cleaning up the coffee table strewn with pizza boxes to say, "Well then, maybe you should've married a dog." True dat, sistah! Or something. I dunno, I'm not married but it sounds like sound advice.
, we see Kath running up to meet Kim at the mall. Kim, as usual, is exasperated and confides that Craig's been texting her. She makes a show of deleting all his messages and Kath chides her, saying that she can't just delete him from her life, he's her husband. Apparently tuning her out, Kim looks up and says that she needs to get an outfit for her new MySpace picture. Kath says she doesn't approve of Kim dating while she's still married, and Kim successfully distracts her, reminding her that they are at the mall, which results in Kath going on a tangent about a cute top she saw with a zipper that goes "all the way down to your petunia." Kim informs her that she has to eat first and that she hears the Greek has a good wrap. Kath resists, saying that she can't eat another man's sandwich now that she's with Phil, but Kim insists that it's not even technically a sandwich, it's a wrap so it doesn't count. Kim sidles up to the counter and orders a tuna wrap and Kath guiltily orders the same. She wheels around, only to see Phil staring up at her accusingly from the level below. She hurls her wrap onto the floor and yells out "Phil, it's not what you think!" and chases after him, screaming.
we see her back on her elliptical machine, fighting back tears. Kim busts in wearing an outfit that looks like hand-me-downs from the set of Blossom. She informs her mom that she needs her to take her pic for her MySpace page letting people know that she's newly single. Kath tells her to leave her alone, ASAP. Kim gets defensive, saying that it's not her fault that Phil broke up with her because she cheated on him with a sandwich. She says he was a loser anyway, and Kath, distraught, hops off her machine to wag her finger in her daughter's face, insisting that he was a winner. Kim voice-overs that her mom isn't that bad, because when she's really bad she listens to Cher on full blast. No sooner are the words uttered than we hear the strains of "I Found Someone." Kim's facial expression registers this, finally.
We see her marching through the mall, apparently determined to give Phil what-for. She pushes her way into Phil's Sandwich Island and strides up to Phil, spitting, "I can't believe you broke up with my mom over a stupid sandwich." Then she looks down, amazed: "Wow, you have corn dogs?" Phil corrects her, saying that he didn't break up with Kath, that she wanted to take time off from their relationship because Kim needed her right now. "I love your mother, Kim. She gets me." Just then Craig runs up, saying that he heard her ankle bracelet and followed her. "I love you, dude. I miss you so much I can't do anything. I can't even watch TV." Aww, romance! "That's cuz I threw away the remote," she replies. Craig is floored, saying that that was a universal remote that cost $200 even with his discount. Then he remembers that he's supposed to be winning her back and tells her he doesn't care, that he loves her and that she's his universal remote. She rolls her eyes and pushes him away, saying, "I have to go." In an effort to comfort him, Phil offers to make Craig a sandwich. He says he'll take the Wham Bam Thank You Ham.
Back at Chez Kath, the aforementioned is sitting on the couch, downtrodden, nodding her head to "If I Could Turn Back Time." Kim enters, and makes a show of taking off her shoes before she walks into the living room like Kath had asked her to do earlier. She asks her mom if she's okay and tells her she got her something at the mug stand. Kath takes the mug and reads what it says aloud: "Spoiled and worth it." She smiles sadly, saying "How do they think up these things? So clever." Kim sits down beside her, looking sympathetic. She turns gently to Kath and asks, "Would it make you feel better if you got up and made us some nachos?" Just then the phone rings. Kath answers and tells Craig to stop crying because he's going to make himself throw up. She hangs up and tells Kim that Craig wants to talk to her about her. Kim says to tell him that there are certain things she needs, but Kath cuts her off and says that she should tell him. Then she pulls Kim off the couch and tells her she's coming with so they can settle this once and for all.
Back at the mall in a store that resembles Home Depot, Kath drags Kim by the arm while Kim begs to let her wait at the food court. She insists on stopping to look at phones and begins punching the touchtone absentmindedly. Kath walks down the aisle over, looking at DVDs wistfully while voice-overing: "Maybe Phil wasn't that great. All those stretch marks, the extra skin." Then she spies The Bodyguard and picks it up. "Oh, who am I kidding, he's a stallion!" Just then a voice comes over the loudspeaker, "Will the lady in white with the Fosse vest and the disco flairs put down The Bodyguard and come to the middle of the store?" Kath looks up, utterly shocked. "Again, gorgeous female shopper named Kath Day please come to the TV/plasma TV department. This is God talking." She runs down the center aisle, flustered as Kim follows her. "Just kidding, it's Phil," Phil says from one of multiple monitors that he's popped up on. He tells her that he loves her and has an important question to "pop." She runs around confused, saying she's coming but she can't find him. Kim points her the right way, saying that he's over there, "past the Mexican guy." Kath runs down the aisle (past a man wearing a turban) to the swell of Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing."
She comes down the aisle to find Phil with an assembled group and a table lain with cheap champagne. Craig's there too, and Phil explains that Craig helped him orchestrate all this. Of course he doesn't use the word orchestrate. As he gets onto one knee, he asks Kath Day if she'll turn Day into Knight and marry him. She screams "yes," and everyone claps as they embrace.
Back at Casa Day, Kath and Phil are lingering over breakfast, and Kath compliments Phil on the eggs he made her. Phil assures her that she's more delicious than the eggs, "Ms. Day, soon to be Knight." Kim stalks in, saying that the whole "Day-Knight" thing is getting old. I agree! Kath points out that Craig bought Kim the "trophy wife" t-shirt she's wearing, and that she's giving him another chance. "Well, Craig's a lucky guy," Phil says cheerily.
Just then Craig bursts in through the sliding doors, says hello to Kath and Phil, and then announces that he wants Kim to meet someone who's going to make her a lot happier. Kim looks incredulous. He calls to "Ginger," and in trots a big black dog who promptly jumps up on the loveseat. "Ew, you know I hate dogs," Kim whines. Craig says that she says she hates everything, so it's hard for him to know what she really does hate. He explains that he got the dog for them because she won't be his best friend, and that it was Kath's idea. Kath denies saying that. Just then a cat wails and Ginger runs out the door after it. Kim cautions Craig not to run after the dog and says it's her or Ginger.
Phil runs out after the dog, and Kim, horrifed, says the divorce is, like, totally back on. Kath peeks out and, defeated, says "Cheese and rice, there goes my rose bush." Kim sidles up to Kath as she says that Craig's not the brightest bulb in the salon. Kim strikes back that Phil's not exactly a rocket scientist and Kath defends him, saying that he's a business owner. They snipe back and forth, Kath commanding Kim once again to "zip it."
Clearly, as per usual, all is likely forgiven in the two seconds, because we see the pair, they're sprawled out on lawn chairs reading to each other from tabloids. Kath reads that the stars all came out for a fundraiser to stop global warming. Kim protests, saying she loves being warm, but Kath reminds her that global warming isn't good, because it's making the polar bears burn up. Kim replies that they should simply go somewhere cold. Kath admits that it's nice that with her busy schedule she can manage to get a good tan in five minutes. With that they clink their wine glasses and toast, "To global warming!"
Okay, so, all in all, not bad. Most of the funny bits were things we'd seen in the promos, so it remains to be seen whether they can keep it rolling with the bon mots and malapropisms, but Molly Shannon and Selma Blair have great chemistry, and the satire is satisfyingly clever. It'll never be quite on the level that the Aussie one is, which is impossible by definition partly because so much of the humor was distinctly cultural. And it doesn't help matters in my mind that they completely cut the character of Kim's best friend Sharon, though if they'd kept her they'd have had the staggering obstacle of casting someone who could capture the uniquely hysterical caricature that Magda Szubanski played so perfectly. It's not really fair to compare the two. As Kim might say, it's like comparing apples to appletinis. But I'm hopeful that the show will maintain. Cheers to that, fools.
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