Shadows And Light

One other thing. I'd like to refer you to one of my favorite scenes of the season, the end of "Out Of Sight," which dealt with Joan not heeding God's advice, resulting in Judith almost dying of alcohol poisoning:

Joan: You could have been more specific. You could have made me!
Mrs. LandingGod: I can only point things out. Give you choices.

The writers may not remember that anymore, but I do.

We open on a sign that says "Parent Teacher Night." Joan says, "Parent Teacher Night?" I feel like making a banner that reads, "Is there an echo in here?" Grace, whatever-God-they're-using-at-the-moment love her, bitches that it should be called "Tyrant Oligarch Nacht." No, that doesn't make much sense, but I don't care. Stevie perks that it will be fun, because "all of us" will be together. Adam, Joan, Grace, and Luke all look annoyed, but whether their annoyance is with the night or the character is unclear. May I volunteer to break the tie? Seriously, I know these kids are misfits, but Stevie shoehorning her way into their group just bugs me. Stevie walks and talks with an iPod as she asks if she and Adam have to work at the design studio on Parent Teacher Night. Adam: "No, but we can ask." Heh. Adam's growing his hair out, by the way, and it's a problem. I have real empathy for him because I have almost the exact same hair as he does, and it's really hard to do anything with it long because it sort of doesn't go anywhere, not that that's stopping me from presently trying to grow it for, like, the fifty-seventh time in my life, and by the way, it's going about as well as the other fifty-six. But my experience in the matter puts me in a position to suggest that he incorporate two words into his vocabulary. The first is "conditioner," and the second is "hats." Luke says he's going to do a student science presentation, and upon learning that there's no extra credit involved, Grace asks, "So it's for the love of sucking up? You're going to have to get your lips surgically removed from Lischak's a" While that would be painful for him, the noises she'd make during that procedure are positively frightening to contemplate. Luke says he gets it, as the two of them break off from the group. The other three run into Helen and a woman Stevie calls "Mom!" At the happiness the two display, Joan makes a snarky comment to Adam about how they just saw each other. Stevie exposits that her mom, "Erica Marx," is vice-president of the PTA, and Helen says she's helping Erica with the refreshments. Erica is played by the same actress who played Joyce's friend Pat in theBuffyepisode "Dead Man's Party." Since I gave that episode the single worst grade I've given any episode of any show I've ever recapped other than The Mountain, you'll understand if I have some bad associations here.

The adults rope Joan into helping, and she says she'll do ice cream. Yeah, she said a mouthful. Erica leaves, and Helen asks if she can count on Adam and Joan to be guides. Joan says she wants an iPod. Helen: "Okay! We'll pretend that'll happen!" You know, I really would like this show better if it were Helen Of Arcadia. Partly because Helen's spiritual journey really interests me, and partly because Joan has just become right tiresome at times. Stevie offers to lend Joan her iPod, and Joan accepts. The bell rings, and everyone starts to disperse, but Adam catches Helen to ask if she wants him to do "the advanced art presentation." Helen smiles and says she got some other student to do it. She leaves, and Joan asks Adam what that was all about. He's all, "I don't want to do it anyway." Let's give that phrase props for finally graduating from elementary school. Stevie, seemingly sensing that Adam's miffed, bails, and then Adam kisses Joan and does the same. Joan heads off to class, but Female Custodian God falls into stride to her and tells her to "help Stevie get what she deserves." Oh, God. And here I thought Satan was the one who was supposed to lead people into temptation. Joan wonders if it's a Secret Santa thing. She starts babbling about how she doesn't know Stevie that well, like you don't say, and asks, "What about what I deserve?" But Female Custodian God has already given her a Godwave and left the scene. Man, I never considered that one of the benefits of omniscience is anticipating when people are going to whine, and therefore being able to bail in advance. I want some. Credits.

School, again. Luke, Grace, and Glynis walk as Luke exposits that Friedman is "on another cruise." I really think they could have come up with a more plausible reason why Friedman hasn't been around. Not to mention one that doesn't involve the possibility of him being shirtless. Joan babbles to Adam about ice cream until she notices that dessert doesn't seem to be interesting him. Of course, that could be because the last time he showed interest in dessert, said dessert complained about being in a camper. Adam calls Joan "Jane," and that needs to stop, like, yesterday. I understand why he did it for so long, but he really can't get away with calling her that unironically anymore, particularly not if he wants to sleep with her. You've got to be able to groan the right name. Adam asks if Joan told Helen about the concert. Joan snarks that she's sure he noticed that she was grounded for a week, but he's referring to his desire for S-E-X. Joan admits that she did tell Helen that part, and Adam's exasperated, sure that Helen hates him now, as the girl Helen asked to do the art presentation "paints sunsets over the ocean with seagulls." Heh. He bangs his head against his locker for good measure. Stevie bounds up and asks if it's a bad time. Upon hearing a resounding "yes" from both of them, she starts in about some problem she has. Well, thanks for asking if it was a bad time, you twit. She tells them that she's supposed to get her first paycheck from work, and that she needs to fill out a W-4. Joan, presumably having done that for her job at the bookstore, tells her all she needs to do is to put down her Social Security number. Stevie says she didn't know it, and when she asked her mom, she freaked about Stevie working, saying she had to focus on school. I had my Social Security card at her age, and I also had my number memorized, but I don't find it unrealistic that an airhead like Stevie wouldn't know hers. I mean, I'd be impressed if she even knew where the dashes go. She apologizes to "Ads" (uch) for having to quit, and Joan keeps her mouth shut and minds her own business. Right. I said it was Parent Teacher Night, not Opposite Day. Over Adam's objections, Joan says that Stevie "deserves" to work, and that she should demand the number from her mother. I can see why Joan is so cavalier about deciphering God's instructions. It's not like lives have ever hung in the balance or anything. Joan says sometimes they have to "stand up to their 'rents." Adam looks at her all, "Who am I dating here?" And it's an awesome expression, but he has had a lot of practice. Stevie smiles and says Joan's right. Adam's face does not agree.

Chez Girardi. Will takes a lasagna out of the oven. If this is foreshadowing that Will's going to give up being a cop and open a cooking school or something, it's even more delicious than that lasagna undoubtedly is. All the Girardis but Kevin are in the kitchen. Luke babbles about his presentation and super-string theory and general relativity. Helen patiently indulges him, but Joan fakes like she's dying of boredom. I think Grace is paying her to sub in when she's not around. Once Luke heads into the dining room, Joan asks Helen if she's mad at Adam for the whole S-E-X thing. Helen: "Of course not. He's a seventeen-year-old boy. He can't help the wiring." Hee. But I wonder if Helen's that understanding when she does Luke's laundry. Joan asks why, then, Helen didn't let Adam display his art at the presentation. Helen says she had other reasons, but firmly tells Joan that she would never take a personal matter out on a student. Joan doesn't seem convinced.

Inside the dining room, Luke is still babbling about string theory. You know, Luke and Helen have been in an irresolvable tug-of-war for my favorite Girardi since early in Season One, but at this point, I know he's a science geek. Having him go on incessantly about science at this point provides as much character advancement as Joan joining the basket-weaving club would. Kevin rolls in and announces that he's been offered the chance to do a human-interest story for a local TV station. Everyone's appropriately enthusiastic, and Kevin asks if anyone has an idea he could pitch, as he's going in the day. Joan suggests a story on Stevie battling her mother for the right to work. Kevin: "Local teen argues with parents. Riveting." Shout-out?

School. Joan finds Adam, who's wearing a ski hat. I'd say to thank God for small favors, but that would not be doing justice to just how bad his hair is. Adam's still mad about Joan talking to Helen. Joan tells him that Helen's not angry with him, but the fact that Joan asked Helen about it gets Adam all bent out of shape too. Dude, maybe these are things you should have talked about before you sent all thought processes below the belt. Adam and Joan are distracted from their little tiff when they get to the entrance to a classroom, in which Stevie and her mom are arguing about the work thing and then Joan and Adam come in and Joan butts in again and it's the same scene as before and BORING! Seriously, let's get it in gear, here. Adam says that Stevie's disagreement with her mom is a private thing. "I know that doesn't mean that much to you." Joan only reacts enough to make a mental note about how she'll handle things the time Adam wants a piece of her. She tells Stevie that they can call and get her SSN, but Stevie says that she tried, and since she's adopted, they couldn't find it. She adds that she's never seen her mom freak out like that, and they should just forget about it. She leaves, and Adam starts to apologize, but Joan snaps, "I needed my mom, so I talked to her. This is not my problem, it's yours." She leaves. I know it's unseemly to start death pools on relationships, but there's good money to be made here, and I want in.

Cut to a young boy in a Cub Scout uniform in what looks like a small public park. He crosses out of the frame behind Joan screen left, but then instantaneously pops up on her other side with a "Hi, Joan." Oy. Look, I know God plays pretty fast and loose with the way he or she appears to Joan, but flaunting teleportation in a crowded park is getting a little ridiculous. Maybe, age-appropriately enough, he can't resist showing off when he's in this particular guise. Joan tells Cub Scout God that he needs to handle the Stevie thing himself, as it's a mess. Cub Scout God sort of mangles his lines when he tells her, AGAIN, that Stevie hasn't found what she needs, and if it were made clear what exactly Stevie gains from Joan's actions in this episode, all this yammering about what she needs would be a lot less tiresome. Shut up, Cub Scout God. He doesn't listen to me, going on that the search is all that matters. "It allows people to discover the truth about themselves. Help Stevie find hers." This is implying that truth is what we all need, which is debatable at best. Here's a question: Does it make me an atheist if I don't believe in this particular avatar? Bring back Little Girl God! Cub Scout God does a Godwave with a discarded glove that he then tosses in a Cub Scout wagon. Okay, hee. Joan yells that Stevie's life seems fine. I'm saying.

Girardi kitchen. Kevin tells Joan that there's no adoption record for Stevie, and though he had an adoption investigator the paper uses do a country-wide search, he couldn't find any information about her at all. So this is the day Kevin was supposedly pitching story ideas, right? Wouldn't he already have found out about the story the station wants him for, in that case? It's not like I find errors of continuity like this bothersome if there's a good reason for them, but I don't consider "someone forgetting to type 'the day after' in front of 'tomorrow' in one of Jason Ritter's lines" to be a good reason. Will comes in and banters with Kevin about cold lasagna and peeing. I think Lucyfer's left a void in someone's life. A welcome void, but still. He tries to fill it by getting up to speed on what his two eldest are doing in regard to Stevie. Joan casually says that Stevie "deserves something," and she's trying to find out what. I'd wonder at the fact that the family doesn't even question these kinds of vague statements from her anymore, but I realize that I'd be handling them in the exact same way. Joan asks why Stevie's mother would tell her she's adopted if that's not the case. Will, intrigued, says he doesn't know as he picks up some of the records Kevin received. Joan just looks exasperated, not catching the snap that Will's interest could indicate that something sinister is going on.

At school, Joan sees Stevie from a distance. She hesitates, but Female Custodian God walks by with a pointed look. I really don't like this at all. Feeling like she has no choice, Joan heads up to Stevie. Stevie apologizes for getting mad at Joan, although her reaction seemed understandable to me at the time. After fighting down some more misgivings, Joan tells Stevie that she has to tell her something. Stevie looks mildly annoyed, although that could be because of Joan's use of the word "deserve" for the bazillionth time already. Joan tells Stevie that she wasn't adopted. That information goes over about as well as lasagna made without oregano. Stevie tells Joan to leave her alone, and stomps off past Female Custodian God, who gives Joan another look. Okay, seriously. You gave her the look when she was hesitating about following orders. Now that she has, you give her another look. But that's okay -- it's not like any bad in human history has ever come from mixed messages from on high or anything.

Okay, funniest scene ever. In what's presumably the biology storage closet, Grace, with her back to the door, is applying lip balm as Adam enters. In a voice far sultrier than I remember ever hearing from her, she intones, "Fire up those lips, whiz kid." Hee hee hee. I mean, this would be great anywhere, but the fact that Grace and Luke are hooking up surrounded by specimens that look like they belong in the Mutter Museum is both twisted and completely appropriate. Adam makes a series of hilariously horrified faces before saying Grace's name. Grace, in turn, takes a moment before offering, "Okay, you could choose to forget this, or I could inflict brain damage." Looks like the second option has already occurred, if Adam's hysterical struggle to form complete words is any indication. He finally pulls it together and tells Grace about the concert and the attempt at S-E-X. Grace: "There are certain images I don't want seared in my brain." Considering what just happened, I think that was just a bit of tit for tat. As it were. Adam goes on that Joan told Helen. Grace breaks into a smile. "Nice knowin' you, Rove!" Adam tells Grace that Helen supposedly doesn't care, but Grace scoffs at that assertion, and Adam agrees she's probably right. Grace: "You had to choose someone who had a good relationship with her mother." Adam complains that he's a good guy, and Grace agrees. "But to a mom, you're just another pimply pubescent horndog trying to get into her daughter's pants." Adam puts his head in his hands. Hee. I do think Adam is overreacting here. I mean, he's been going out with Joan for almost a year, Helen has a very close relationship with him, and she also knows that he turned down sex with Joan when she wasn't ready once before. Plus, he's stood by Joan through thick, thin, and partially skimmed. But did that detract from my enjoyment of the scene? Hell no. More Adam and Grace scenes, please.

Chewy catches Will at work and tells him that the kids were right -- Stevie Marx wasn't adopted, but died in a fire when she was two, fourteen years ago, in Dallas. Uh oh. And Joan thought this was a mess before. Will says it adds up to identity theft, and notes that the mother also died in the fire. The name? "Erica Marx." Oh dear.

Kevin, in a suit, wheels into the kitchen as Luke enthusiastically asks him how it went. Kevin, far too casually, says he turned them down. He goes straight for a beer. Have we seen him drink at home before? Luke: "Did they want you to do the news naked or something?" If that's the case, they're pretty ratings-savvy for a local affiliate. At Luke's further inquiries, Kevin wordlessly tosses him some literature on the story they wanted him to do. Luke reads: "Electrical Stimulation Therapy for Spinal-Cord-Injured Patients." Kevin says that it's a gimp story, so they wanted a gimp reporter, so they can feel good about themselves. Luke excitedly points out that the procedure probably has a waiting list, so by doing the story, Kevin could bypass it. Man, I love Luke. Kevin tells him to drop it, and tosses the papers in the trash. He leaves the room, and Luke looks at the papers concernedly.

Chez Girardi. Joan and Helen are watching It Happened One Night. I happened to see that only a few months ago, so that's a funny pick for me, because it's one of the very few old movies I'd be able to identify without help from the forums. Yay for coincidences that obviate research! Will enters and explains what happened: Ericalice kidnapped Stevie from her mother fourteen years earlier. Helen disbelievingly says that Ericalice is the perfect mom. Joan reprovingly asks why Will had to arrest Ericalice in front of the whole school, but Will gently tells her that Ericalice had recently withdrawn a lot of cash and was planning to leave the country. Joan, near tears, asks what's going to happen to Stevie. Will tells her they're looking for her biological parents, but Stevie will be in foster care until they're found. Will suggests Joan go see her, but Joan says she already ruined Stevie's life. I give you a total pass on that, Joan. Helen supportively tells Joan that she was just trying to help Stevie, but Joan says she won't be doing that again. She leaves, and her parents look at each other, out of ideas.

School. Luke, Grace, Joan, and Glynis are our Hallway Brigade today. Luke says Stevie's situation is "Dickensian," and Grace chimes in that at least she knows who her mom is. Glynis tells Joan she did the right thing. I guess she wasn't a big fan of that sweater either. Joan barks that she didn't mean to do anything, and stomps off over to Adam. She asks why he wasn't in physics, and Adam tells her that his employer gave him some cash to give to Stevie. Joan asks how she's doing, and Adam says she's freaked, and "they sent her a shrink to make sure she's not gonna hurt herself." I hope they didn't send her to Dr. Dan, because that would be nine kinds of counterproductive. Adam takes a painting out of his locker, saying Stevie wanted his help with it for class. A closeup reveals that the painting is of Ericalice, although it's interesting that Stevie would want Adam's help now with artwork she clearly made in the fourth grade. This is all too much for Joan, who stomps away in tears, but Adam catches her and gives her a long, comforting hug. No matter what problems these two have, they always manage to elicit at least one "Aw" from me each episode. Which is nice in a season where such moments in general are slowly growing fewer and farther between. After they break apart, Joan says she thought Adam was still mad at her. Adam carefully says that doesn't matter right now. They touch foreheads, and then return to a tight clinch. Aw. Hold on, kids. I'll happily lose that pool money I kicked in earlier in the recap.

Chewy's on the phone and chomping away on a hot dog. Finally. He waves to Will, who comes over and tells him that every hot dog has meat from a thousand different cows in it. Chewy: "I am grateful to every one of them." Chewy's asking for a Brahmin avatar to show up and give him forty lashes with a wet noodle. He tells Will that the DMV turned up nothing on Stevie's biological mother, so they're sending uniforms out to her last known address "and run it through the system." I have no idea what that means, but having dispensed that information, Chewy's free to go back to eating his thousands of non-sacred cows.

Joan's sitting in the foster home when Stevie appears and coldly asks what she's doing there. Joan says she wanted to see how Stevie was doing. Stevie: "Great. I share a room with Janie, who cries all the time, because her parents just died." Yikes. I really hope Aerosmith was wrong in a certain song title of theirs. Joan speculates that Stevie hates her, but Stevie abruptly changes her tune and tells her that's Joan's the only person who's been honest with her. She sits down with Joan, who asks her if she's talked to her mother. Stevie: "Don't know who she is, remember?" Ouch. A woman, calling Stevie by her birth name "Bridget," tells her she has more visitors. In come Will, his female associate, and Charlie, Stevie's dad. Will asks Joan to leave, but Stevie says she wants Joan there. Anyway, the full story is that Stevie's birth mom was a heroin addict, and never knew who Stevie's father was. Social Services was called many times in her case, and the social worker was Ericalice. Ericalice found Stevie bruised and hungry, and tried to get her into a foster home, but the court ruled in favor of the birth mom. It sounds awful, but I'm sorry to say I can buy that. A week later, a neighbor of Stevie's called in a report that Stevie had been crying for hours. Ericalice arrived to find Stevie's mom passed out, and she didn't want to risk that the courts would leave Stevie in her mom's care, so she kidnapped her. Sometime after that, Stevie's mom had a boy, who drowned in the bathtub at the age of four months. Stevie's mom went to jail, and died there. Man. I think Janie's going to be the one complaining about the crying after this. Will says the DA is agreeing to a light sentence, and Stevie will be able to see Ericalice. Stevie asks, "What if they could have helped my real mother?" Her dad says Ericalice tried. Stevie: "Is that why she was leaving?" And I certainly wouldn't have guessed that it would be Stevie herself who would bring up one of my problems with the A-plot, but I'll get to that later. Her dad says her mom didn't have a choice, which isn't true, and goes on that Will and Co. are sure that a judge will grant him custody so Stevie can come home. He strokes Stevie's cheek, but she recoils and says, "I don't have a home." She stomps over to the staircase, but Joan goes after her and tells her that her eyes will adjust, which is something Electrician God said before that I deemed not worth recapping. And given Joan's parroting of everything God says, it looks like I made the right decision. Stevie doesn't want to hear it, and runs upstairs into the last commercial break.

Joan gets some whipped cream out of the refrigerator and sprays some onto a gigantic sundae. Man, leave some for the rest of us, Joan. Or at least for me. Kevin enters and notes the "sunrise ice cream," and asks what the occasion is. Joan tells him that she was supposed to help Stevie, and she just ended up stealing her iPod. Well, Joan, I'm sure you can afford your own now -- you deserve a nice bonus for going the extra product-placement mile. Kevin takes the scoop and starts eating some of Joan's sundae, which doesn't cause her much consternation, considering that the thing is big enough to feed an average husband and wife and their 2.2 kids. Joan asks what's eating Kevin, so to speak, and Kevin tells her the TV thing didn't happen, and that he told Luke he should have been the one to be paralyzed. Joan mildly says, "Ouch!" and says that calls for more whipped cream. I'm surprised she can get any out, as they've obviously sucked the nitrous oxide out of the can to view that line so casually. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? Joan and Kevin muse that they used to be good people, and Joan says it was easier to dump on other people than deal with their own stuff, but you have to face said stuff eventually. Kevin asks why. Joan: "Well, [you] can't live in a cave." You know what I'm facing? Some weak-assed writing, right there. I mean, if she's using Stevie's example to get Kevin to face his demons, as it seems, the problems are twofold: One, again, Stevie's situation seems utterly bleak at this point, so the lesson Joan's trying to push is utterly at odds with what we've seen on the screen. And two, Joan isn't aware that there's any conflict for Kevin to resolve, as he never mentioned the stim therapy, which was the reason for the fight with Luke. From her perspective, he was just mad that the TV thing didn't work out, right? End of story. Not to mention the fact that if they're wondering when they stopped being good people, they might start with the fact that they seem to think saying "You should be paralyzed instead of me" to anyone, much less your kid brother, deserves ice cream instead of a slap in the face. Man.