Minuses for subbing this week: None of my top three favorite avatars (Cute Guy God, Mrs. LandingGod, Little Girl God). A Duff. Adam's hair. Pluses: No Drue and his far assier hair. And far more importantly, no more Lucyfer. I'll take it. Happy birthday, Deborah!
One other thing. I'd like to refer you to one of my favorite scenes of the season, the end of "Out Of Sight," which dealt with Joan not heeding God's advice, resulting in Judith almost dying of alcohol poisoning:
Joan: You could have been more specific. You could have made me!
Mrs. LandingGod: I can only point things out. Give you choices.
The writers may not remember that anymore, but I do.
We open on a sign that says "Parent Teacher Night." Joan says, "Parent Teacher Night?" I feel like making a banner that reads, "Is there an echo in here?" Grace, whatever-God-they're-using-at-the-moment love her, bitches that it should be called "Tyrant Oligarch Nacht." No, that doesn't make much sense, but I don't care. Stevie perks that it will be fun, because "all of us" will be together. Adam, Joan, Grace, and Luke all look annoyed, but whether their annoyance is with the night or the character is unclear. May I volunteer to break the tie? Seriously, I know these kids are misfits, but Stevie shoehorning her way into their group just bugs me. Stevie walks and talks with an iPod as she asks if she and Adam have to work at the design studio on Parent Teacher Night. Adam: "No, but we can ask." Heh. Adam's growing his hair out, by the way, and it's a problem. I have real empathy for him because I have almost the exact same hair as he does, and it's really hard to do anything with it long because it sort of doesn't go anywhere, not that that's stopping me from presently trying to grow it for, like, the fifty-seventh time in my life, and by the way, it's going about as well as the other fifty-six. But my experience in the matter puts me in a position to suggest that he incorporate two words into his vocabulary. The first is "conditioner," and the second is "hats." Luke says he's going to do a student science presentation, and upon learning that there's no extra credit involved, Grace asks, "So it's for the love of sucking up? You're going to have to get your lips surgically removed from Lischak's a…" While that would be painful for him, the noises she'd make during that procedure are positively frightening to contemplate. Luke says he gets it, as the two of them break off from the group. The other three run into Helen and a woman Stevie calls "Mom!" At the happiness the two display, Joan makes a snarky comment to Adam about how they just saw each other. Stevie exposits that her mom, "Erica Marx," is vice-president of the PTA, and Helen says she's helping Erica with the refreshments. Erica is played by the same actress who played Joyce's friend Pat in theBuffyepisode "Dead Man's Party." Since I gave that episode the single worst grade I've given any episode of any show I've ever recapped other than The Mountain, you'll understand if I have some bad associations here.
The adults rope Joan into helping, and she says she'll do ice cream. Yeah, she said a mouthful. Erica leaves, and Helen asks if she can count on Adam and Joan to be guides. Joan says she wants an iPod. Helen: "Okay! We'll pretend that'll happen!" You know, I really would like this show better if it were Helen Of Arcadia. Partly because Helen's spiritual journey really interests me, and partly because Joan has just become right tiresome at times. Stevie offers to lend Joan her iPod, and Joan accepts. The bell rings, and everyone starts to disperse, but Adam catches Helen to ask if she wants him to do "the advanced art presentation." Helen smiles and says she got some other student to do it. She leaves, and Joan asks Adam what that was all about. He's all, "I don't want to do it anyway." Let's give that phrase props for finally graduating from elementary school. Stevie, seemingly sensing that Adam's miffed, bails, and then Adam kisses Joan and does the same. Joan heads off to class, but Female Custodian God falls into stride to her and tells her to "help Stevie get what she deserves." Oh, God. And here I thought Satan was the one who was supposed to lead people into temptation. Joan wonders if it's a Secret Santa thing. She starts babbling about how she doesn't know Stevie that well, like you don't say, and asks, "What about what I deserve?" But Female Custodian God has already given her a Godwave and left the scene. Man, I never considered that one of the benefits of omniscience is anticipating when people are going to whine, and therefore being able to bail in advance. I want some. Credits.
School, again. Luke, Grace, and Glynis walk as Luke exposits that Friedman is "on another cruise." I really think they could have come up with a more plausible reason why Friedman hasn't been around. Not to mention one that doesn't involve the possibility of him being shirtless. Joan babbles to Adam about ice cream until she notices that dessert doesn't seem to be interesting him. Of course, that could be because the last time he showed interest in dessert, said dessert complained about being in a camper. Adam calls Joan "Jane," and that needs to stop, like, yesterday. I understand why he did it for so long, but he really can't get away with calling her that unironically anymore, particularly not if he wants to sleep with her. You've got to be able to groan the right name. Adam asks if Joan told Helen about the concert. Joan snarks that she's sure he noticed that she was grounded for a week, but he's referring to his desire for S-E-X. Joan admits that she did tell Helen that part, and Adam's exasperated, sure that Helen hates him now, as the girl Helen asked to do the art presentation "paints sunsets over the ocean with seagulls." Heh. He bangs his head against his locker for good measure. Stevie bounds up and asks if it's a bad time. Upon hearing a resounding "yes" from both of them, she starts in about some problem she has. Well, thanks for asking if it was a bad time, you twit. She tells them that she's supposed to get her first paycheck from work, and that she needs to fill out a W-4. Joan, presumably having done that for her job at the bookstore, tells her all she needs to do is to put down her Social Security number. Stevie says she didn't know it, and when she asked her mom, she freaked about Stevie working, saying she had to focus on school. I had my Social Security card at her age, and I also had my number memorized, but I don't find it unrealistic that an airhead like Stevie wouldn't know hers. I mean, I'd be impressed if she even knew where the dashes go. She apologizes to "Ads" (uch) for having to quit, and Joan keeps her mouth shut and minds her own business. Right. I said it was Parent Teacher Night, not Opposite Day. Over Adam's objections, Joan says that Stevie "deserves" to work, and that she should demand the number from her mother. I can see why Joan is so cavalier about deciphering God's instructions. It's not like lives have ever hung in the balance or anything. Joan says sometimes they have to "stand up to their 'rents." Adam looks at her all, "Who am I dating here?" And it's an awesome expression, but he has had a lot of practice. Stevie smiles and says Joan's right. Adam's face does not agree.
Chez Girardi. Will takes a lasagna out of the oven. If this is foreshadowing that Will's going to give up being a cop and open a cooking school or something, it's even more delicious than that lasagna undoubtedly is. All the Girardis but Kevin are in the kitchen. Luke babbles about his presentation and super-string theory and general relativity. Helen patiently indulges him, but Joan fakes like she's dying of boredom. I think Grace is paying her to sub in when she's not around. Once Luke heads into the dining room, Joan asks Helen if she's mad at Adam for the whole S-E-X thing. Helen: "Of course not. He's a seventeen-year-old boy. He can't help the wiring." Hee. But I wonder if Helen's that understanding when she does Luke's laundry. Joan asks why, then, Helen didn't let Adam display his art at the presentation. Helen says she had other reasons, but firmly tells Joan that she would never take a personal matter out on a student. Joan doesn't seem convinced.
Inside the dining room, Luke is still babbling about string theory. You know, Luke and Helen have been in an irresolvable tug-of-war for my favorite Girardi since early in Season One, but at this point, I know he's a science geek. Having him go on incessantly about science at this point provides as much character advancement as Joan joining the basket-weaving club would. Kevin rolls in and announces that he's been offered the chance to do a human-interest story for a local TV station. Everyone's appropriately enthusiastic, and Kevin asks if anyone has an idea he could pitch, as he's going in the day. Joan suggests a story on Stevie battling her mother for the right to work. Kevin: "Local teen argues with parents. Riveting." Shout-out?
School. Joan finds Adam, who's wearing a ski hat. I'd say to thank God for small favors, but that would not be doing justice to just how bad his hair is. Adam's still mad about Joan talking to Helen. Joan tells him that Helen's not angry with him, but the fact that Joan asked Helen about it gets Adam all bent out of shape too. Dude, maybe these are things you should have talked about before you sent all thought processes below the belt. Adam and Joan are distracted from their little tiff when they get to the entrance to a classroom, in which Stevie and her mom are arguing about the work thing and then Joan and Adam come in and Joan butts in again and it's the same scene as before and BORING! Seriously, let's get it in gear, here. Adam says that Stevie's disagreement with her mom is a private thing. "I know that doesn't mean that much to you." Joan only reacts enough to make a mental note about how she'll handle things the time Adam wants a piece of her. She tells Stevie that they can call and get her SSN, but Stevie says that she tried, and since she's adopted, they couldn't find it. She adds that she's never seen her mom freak out like that, and they should just forget about it. She leaves, and Adam starts to apologize, but Joan snaps, "I needed my mom, so I talked to her. This is not my problem, it's yours." She leaves. I know it's unseemly to start death pools on relationships, but there's good money to be made here, and I want in.
Cut to a young boy in a Cub Scout uniform in what looks like a small public park. He crosses out of the frame behind Joan screen left, but then instantaneously pops up on her other side with a "Hi, Joan." Oy. Look, I know God plays pretty fast and loose with the way he or she appears to Joan, but flaunting teleportation in a crowded park is getting a little ridiculous. Maybe, age-appropriately enough, he can't resist showing off when he's in this particular guise. Joan tells Cub Scout God that he needs to handle the Stevie thing himself, as it's a mess. Cub Scout God sort of mangles his lines when he tells her, AGAIN, that Stevie hasn't found what she needs, and if it were made clear what exactly Stevie gains from Joan's actions in this episode, all this yammering about what she needs would be a lot less tiresome. Shut up, Cub Scout God. He doesn't listen to me, going on that the search is all that matters. "It allows people to discover the truth about themselves. Help Stevie find hers." This is implying that truth is what we all need, which is debatable at best. Here's a question: Does it make me an atheist if I don't believe in this particular avatar? Bring back Little Girl God! Cub Scout God does a Godwave with a discarded glove that he then tosses in a Cub Scout wagon. Okay, hee. Joan yells that Stevie's life seems fine. I'm saying.
Girardi kitchen. Kevin tells Joan that there's no adoption record for Stevie, and though he had an adoption investigator the paper uses do a country-wide search, he couldn't find any information about her at all. So this is the day Kevin was supposedly pitching story ideas, right? Wouldn't he already have found out about the story the station wants him for, in that case? It's not like I find errors of continuity like this bothersome if there's a good reason for them, but I don't consider "someone forgetting to type 'the day after' in front of 'tomorrow' in one of Jason Ritter's lines" to be a good reason. Will comes in and banters with Kevin about cold lasagna and peeing. I think Lucyfer's left a void in someone's life. A welcome void, but still. He tries to fill it by getting up to speed on what his two eldest are doing in regard to Stevie. Joan casually says that Stevie "deserves something," and she's trying to find out what. I'd wonder at the fact that the family doesn't even question these kinds of vague statements from her anymore, but I realize that I'd be handling them in the exact same way. Joan asks why Stevie's mother would tell her she's adopted if that's not the case. Will, intrigued, says he doesn't know as he picks up some of the records Kevin received. Joan just looks exasperated, not catching the snap that Will's interest could indicate that something sinister is going on.
At school, Joan sees Stevie from a distance. She hesitates, but Female Custodian God walks by with a pointed look. I really don't like this at all. Feeling like she has no choice, Joan heads up to Stevie. Stevie apologizes for getting mad at Joan, although her reaction seemed understandable to me at the time. After fighting down some more misgivings, Joan tells Stevie that she has to tell her something. Stevie looks mildly annoyed, although that could be because of Joan's use of the word "deserve" for the bazillionth time already. Joan tells Stevie that she wasn't adopted. That information goes over about as well as lasagna made without oregano. Stevie tells Joan to leave her alone, and stomps off past Female Custodian God, who gives Joan another look. Okay, seriously. You gave her the look when she was hesitating about following orders. Now that she has, you give her another look. But that's okay -- it's not like any bad in human history has ever come from mixed messages from on high or anything.
Okay, funniest scene ever. In what's presumably the biology storage closet, Grace, with her back to the door, is applying lip balm as Adam enters. In a voice far sultrier than I remember ever hearing from her, she intones, "Fire up those lips, whiz kid." Hee hee hee. I mean, this would be great anywhere, but the fact that Grace and Luke are hooking up surrounded by specimens that look like they belong in the Mutter Museum is both twisted and completely appropriate. Adam makes a series of hilariously horrified faces before saying Grace's name. Grace, in turn, takes a moment before offering, "Okay, you could choose to forget this, or I could inflict brain damage." Looks like the second option has already occurred, if Adam's hysterical struggle to form complete words is any indication. He finally pulls it together and tells Grace about the concert and the attempt at S-E-X. Grace: "There are certain images I don't want seared in my brain." Considering what just happened, I think that was just a bit of tit for tat. As it were. Adam goes on that Joan told Helen. Grace breaks into a smile. "Nice knowin' you, Rove!" Adam tells Grace that Helen supposedly doesn't care, but Grace scoffs at that assertion, and Adam agrees she's probably right. Grace: "You had to choose someone who had a good relationship with her mother." Adam complains that he's a good guy, and Grace agrees. "But to a mom, you're just another pimply pubescent horndog trying to get into her daughter's pants." Adam puts his head in his hands. Hee. I do think Adam is overreacting here. I mean, he's been going out with Joan for almost a year, Helen has a very close relationship with him, and she also knows that he turned down sex with Joan when she wasn't ready once before. Plus, he's stood by Joan through thick, thin, and partially skimmed. But did that detract from my enjoyment of the scene? Hell no. More Adam and Grace scenes, please.
Chewy catches Will at work and tells him that the kids were right -- Stevie Marx wasn't adopted, but died in a fire when she was two, fourteen years ago, in Dallas. Uh oh. And Joan thought this was a mess before. Will says it adds up to identity theft, and notes that the mother also died in the fire. The name? "Erica Marx." Oh dear.
Kevin, in a suit, wheels into the kitchen as Luke enthusiastically asks him how it went. Kevin, far too casually, says he turned them down. He goes straight for a beer. Have we seen him drink at home before? Luke: "Did they want you to do the news naked or something?" If that's the case, they're pretty ratings-savvy for a local affiliate. At Luke's further inquiries, Kevin wordlessly tosses him some literature on the story they wanted him to do. Luke reads: "Electrical Stimulation Therapy for Spinal-Cord-Injured Patients." Kevin says that it's a gimp story, so they wanted a gimp reporter, so they can feel good about themselves. Luke excitedly points out that the procedure probably has a waiting list, so by doing the story, Kevin could bypass it. Man, I love Luke. Kevin tells him to drop it, and tosses the papers in the trash. He leaves the room, and Luke looks at the papers concernedly.
And it's Parent Teacher Night. Stevie, Adam, and Joan are working as greeters. A tall, thin, bespectacled blonde woman wearing an ornate, funky sweater comes up to Joan and enthusiastically greets her by name. Joan looks at her appraisingly, and figuring, as I admit I did, that she's an avatar, snarks, "Great! I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away! Where'd you get that sweater, a dumpster?" The blonde woman is shocked, but Joan, taking out her anger about the Stevie thing, lays into the woman some more, until Glynis, also wearing a guide's badge, comes bounding up and says she's so glad Joan met her mom. HA! Oh, that's funny, even though it's sad, too. I love Mageina Tovah in this role, and from her reaction here, it's obvious she's told her mom all about Joan in fairly glowing terms. Anyway, Glynis's mom excuses herself right quick, and Glynis's smile melts into a look of horror before taking off after her mom. It's so wrong that an encounter I find fundamentally sad is making me giggle so hard it's interfering with my typing. And the fun isn't over yet, as Joan sighs to herself, "Oh, God," and behind her, an old man wearing a name label that reads "A.VATAR" pipes up. Heh. A lot of forum posters took that as a shout-out to Deborah, and given that I don't recall the use of the word "avatar" on the show before, I'm going to have to agree. ["Figures they'd wait to bust it out until she's taken a week off." -- Sars] Joan takesin Grandpa God (nickname not my creation, people), and asks, "What is the big lesson supposed to be here?" If the thing before wasn't a shout-out, that certainly is. Grandpa God tells her that Joan tried to share the truth with Stevie, which is hard to accept sometimes. Grandpa God continues in what's frankly a very tiresome rhetorical vein, prompting an eye-roll from Joan. I haven't felt this way toward your character much this season, but word, sister. Grandpa God charges Joan to make Stevie understand, and leaves, not too soon for me. As he goes, Will walks up to Joan. Joan surprised, as she thought he had to work, but that Luke will be psyched, as he's doing his "Geekapalooza speech." I'm surprised Friedman didn't swim to shore to get here for that. Once Chewy and a female cop who just happens to be black appear and flank Will, Joan realizes that something's going on. But before I do, did we ever even find out what happened to Toni? Because I really liked April Grace, and having her disappear with no explanation bugs. Will asks Joan if Erica is there, and then sees her down the hall with a man that's presumably her husband. Without further ado, the cops march down the hall. Will interrupts Erica's conversation with her husband and asks if she's "Alice Sokel" as he flashes his badge. Ericalice: "Call a lawyer, Charlie." Will offers, "We don't have to do this in front of everyone." Joan looks on in mounting terror as the five adults head into an empty classroom…
…where Will tells Ericalice that she's under arrest for the kidnapping of "Bridget Verken." Charlie thinks there must be a mistake until he sees the expression on his wife's face. Ericalice says Charlie didn't know what she did, but Chewy says they have to bring him in as a possible accessory. That's the second time we've seen him not eating in this episode. Isn't there some sort of cart food with your name on it right about now, Chewy? Joan and Stevie bust in. Joan asks what's going on, and Stevie can't believe Will's Joan's dad. If she wasn't aware of that, she really doesn't know enough about the group to be in their little hallway club. Stevie gets more and more upset as the adults work out the logistics of the arrest, and then Ericalice leaves, telling Stevie she loves her. Stevie runs after them into the hall, but her mom tells her again that it'll be okay, and the female cop tries to lead Stevie off for a chat. Before she can, however, Stevie sees Joan standing with Helen, and snarls, "You did this! Why did you do this?" As Stevie is led away, Joan gapes in shock and horror. I wonder how many flies have met their ends in Joan's mouth since God showed up in her life.
Chez Girardi. Joan and Helen are watching It Happened One Night. I happened to see that only a few months ago, so that's a funny pick for me, because it's one of the very few old movies I'd be able to identify without help from the forums. Yay for coincidences that obviate research! Will enters and explains what happened: Ericalice kidnapped Stevie from her mother fourteen years earlier. Helen disbelievingly says that Ericalice is the perfect mom. Joan reprovingly asks why Will had to arrest Ericalice in front of the whole school, but Will gently tells her that Ericalice had recently withdrawn a lot of cash and was planning to leave the country. Joan, near tears, asks what's going to happen to Stevie. Will tells her they're looking for her biological parents, but Stevie will be in foster care until they're found. Will suggests Joan go see her, but Joan says she already ruined Stevie's life. I give you a total pass on that, Joan. Helen supportively tells Joan that she was just trying to help Stevie, but Joan says she won't be doing that again. She leaves, and her parents look at each other, out of ideas.
School. Luke, Grace, Joan, and Glynis are our Hallway Brigade today. Luke says Stevie's situation is "Dickensian," and Grace chimes in that at least she knows who her mom is. Glynis tells Joan she did the right thing. I guess she wasn't a big fan of that sweater either. Joan barks that she didn't mean to do anything, and stomps off over to Adam. She asks why he wasn't in physics, and Adam tells her that his employer gave him some cash to give to Stevie. Joan asks how she's doing, and Adam says she's freaked, and "they sent her a shrink to make sure she's not gonna hurt herself." I hope they didn't send her to Dr. Dan, because that would be nine kinds of counterproductive. Adam takes a painting out of his locker, saying Stevie wanted his help with it for class. A closeup reveals that the painting is of Ericalice, although it's interesting that Stevie would want Adam's help now with artwork she clearly made in the fourth grade. This is all too much for Joan, who stomps away in tears, but Adam catches her and gives her a long, comforting hug. No matter what problems these two have, they always manage to elicit at least one "Aw" from me each episode. Which is nice in a season where such moments in general are slowly growing fewer and farther between. After they break apart, Joan says she thought Adam was still mad at her. Adam carefully says that doesn't matter right now. They touch foreheads, and then return to a tight clinch. Aw. Hold on, kids. I'll happily lose that pool money I kicked in earlier in the recap.
Chewy's on the phone and chomping away on a hot dog. Finally. He waves to Will, who comes over and tells him that every hot dog has meat from a thousand different cows in it. Chewy: "I am grateful to every one of them." Chewy's asking for a Brahmin avatar to show up and give him forty lashes with a wet noodle. He tells Will that the DMV turned up nothing on Stevie's biological mother, so they're sending uniforms out to her last known address "and run it through the system." I have no idea what that means, but having dispensed that information, Chewy's free to go back to eating his thousands of non-sacred cows.
Bookstore. Joan carries a box into the back to find a middle-aged electrician working on an overhanging light fixture. She asks when he got there, and he replies, "I'm always here, Joan." It does seem that way this episode. Electrician God tells her that it's tough what Stevie went through, and Joan asks what Stevie did to deserve that. In Hollywood, they call it "stunt casting." Electrician God: "I don't punish people, and I'd never ask you to harm anyone. You know that." Well, Electrician God, I don't really want to get into a semantical discussion with you, what with you being the Almighty and all. Let's just say I respectfully disagree. Electrician God talks about the power of the truth, and mentions the "shadows on the wall" section of Plato's Republic. You know, God isn't making philosophy look all that great here. Maybe he's still peeved at Nietzsche. Anyway, there's some nonsense about light, and scene.
Kevin's at home watching Jeopardy, and it's Teen Week. An answer comes up about British Columbia's flag, and Luke, who's just walked in, and Kevin argue the question and bet a bag of Bugles until Alex Trebek gives the nod to Luke. Well, he could stand a little meat on his bones. And I could stand to stop talking like my grandmother, God rest her soul, but that's another story. Luke notes that Kevin's home early, and Kevin explains that he had asked for a few days off to pursue the TV thing, and he decided to go ahead and take them anyway. Luke tells Kevin that he thinks Kevin bailed on the story because he's worried he might have "peripheral nerve loss." Kevin tightly asks Luke how he knows about that, and Luke says he did his "Geekapalooza" presentation on "electric stim," and used the materials that Kevin threw out. The two of them have the following exchange about the therapy that's much easier to transcribe than describe:
Kevin: They strap you to some shopping cart…
Luke: It's a wall nerve, with braces.
Kevin: …hook you up to a car battery…
Luke: Microprocessor!
Kevin: …which makes your legs twitch! For what, a few baby steps. Twenty percent of paraplegics don't even respond to it.
Let me just throw in this link describing the therapy Kevin's talking about, the Parastep System, which was kindly provided by Melle in the forums. Let me also mention (and thanks to JJ2440 in the forums for posting this) that Kevin mentioned electrical stim in the first season. I don't remember that, frankly, and from Deborah's recap it doesn't seem like the show explicitly stated whether he was trying the therapy himself, but it does seem weird now that they mentioned it as a throwaway almost a year ago. Anyway. Luke duhs that there's an eighty percent chance that Kevin will respond, then, but Kevin heatedly counters that if he doesn't, he'll know for sure that his nerves are "fried," which means that even if a cure for spinal-cord injuries is discovered in the future, he won't be able to take advantage of it. Well, unless they discover a cure for the nerves as well, but anyway. Luke asks if it isn't Kevin's job to find the truth, as he's a journalist. Kevin yells, "Spend a day in this chair and then we'll talk about the truth! Actually, you'd be okay with that, wouldn't you? You wish you were Stephen Hawking, just a big brain in a chair. Too bad this isn't you!" Luke stares at him, stunned, and then leaves the room. Man, what a bastard. Seriously, I can't imagine what Kevin's going through, but to say something like that to your little brother, and then not even apologize? Forget Joan -- Luke's the one that needs an iPod to even begin to forgive that comment. The Jeopardy question anviliciously has to do with neurons. Fire up the ones in the contrition section of your brain, jerk.
Joan's sitting in the foster home when Stevie appears and coldly asks what she's doing there. Joan says she wanted to see how Stevie was doing. Stevie: "Great. I share a room with Janie, who cries all the time, because her parents just died." Yikes. I really hope Aerosmith was wrong in a certain song title of theirs. Joan speculates that Stevie hates her, but Stevie abruptly changes her tune and tells her that's Joan's the only person who's been honest with her. She sits down with Joan, who asks her if she's talked to her mother. Stevie: "Don't know who she is, remember?" Ouch. A woman, calling Stevie by her birth name "Bridget," tells her she has more visitors. In come Will, his female associate, and Charlie, Stevie's dad. Will asks Joan to leave, but Stevie says she wants Joan there. Anyway, the full story is that Stevie's birth mom was a heroin addict, and never knew who Stevie's father was. Social Services was called many times in her case, and the social worker was Ericalice. Ericalice found Stevie bruised and hungry, and tried to get her into a foster home, but the court ruled in favor of the birth mom. It sounds awful, but I'm sorry to say I can buy that. A week later, a neighbor of Stevie's called in a report that Stevie had been crying for hours. Ericalice arrived to find Stevie's mom passed out, and she didn't want to risk that the courts would leave Stevie in her mom's care, so she kidnapped her. Sometime after that, Stevie's mom had a boy, who drowned in the bathtub at the age of four months. Stevie's mom went to jail, and died there. Man. I think Janie's going to be the one complaining about the crying after this. Will says the DA is agreeing to a light sentence, and Stevie will be able to see Ericalice. Stevie asks, "What if they could have helped my real mother?" Her dad says Ericalice tried. Stevie: "Is that why she was leaving?" And I certainly wouldn't have guessed that it would be Stevie herself who would bring up one of my problems with the A-plot, but I'll get to that later. Her dad says her mom didn't have a choice, which isn't true, and goes on that Will and Co. are sure that a judge will grant him custody so Stevie can come home. He strokes Stevie's cheek, but she recoils and says, "I don't have a home." She stomps over to the staircase, but Joan goes after her and tells her that her eyes will adjust, which is something Electrician God said before that I deemed not worth recapping. And given Joan's parroting of everything God says, it looks like I made the right decision. Stevie doesn't want to hear it, and runs upstairs into the last commercial break.
Joan gets some whipped cream out of the refrigerator and sprays some onto a gigantic sundae. Man, leave some for the rest of us, Joan. Or at least for me. Kevin enters and notes the "sunrise ice cream," and asks what the occasion is. Joan tells him that she was supposed to help Stevie, and she just ended up stealing her iPod. Well, Joan, I'm sure you can afford your own now -- you deserve a nice bonus for going the extra product-placement mile. Kevin takes the scoop and starts eating some of Joan's sundae, which doesn't cause her much consternation, considering that the thing is big enough to feed an average husband and wife and their 2.2 kids. Joan asks what's eating Kevin, so to speak, and Kevin tells her the TV thing didn't happen, and that he told Luke he should have been the one to be paralyzed. Joan mildly says, "Ouch!" and says that calls for more whipped cream. I'm surprised she can get any out, as they've obviously sucked the nitrous oxide out of the can to view that line so casually. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? Joan and Kevin muse that they used to be good people, and Joan says it was easier to dump on other people than deal with their own stuff, but you have to face said stuff eventually. Kevin asks why. Joan: "Well, [you] can't live in a cave." You know what I'm facing? Some weak-assed writing, right there. I mean, if she's using Stevie's example to get Kevin to face his demons, as it seems, the problems are twofold: One, again, Stevie's situation seems utterly bleak at this point, so the lesson Joan's trying to push is utterly at odds with what we've seen on the screen. And two, Joan isn't aware that there's any conflict for Kevin to resolve, as he never mentioned the stim therapy, which was the reason for the fight with Luke. From her perspective, he was just mad that the TV thing didn't work out, right? End of story. Not to mention the fact that if they're wondering when they stopped being good people, they might start with the fact that they seem to think saying "You should be paralyzed instead of me" to anyone, much less your kid brother, deserves ice cream instead of a slap in the face. Man.
Thank God. Helen enters her classroom to find Adam waiting for her. He gives her Stevie's painting. Helen sighs and says the whole thing is still so hard to believe, and that Joan says Stevie's "pretty destroyed." She asks Adam if he's okay, and Adam, not sure where she's coming from, says yes. He then asks her if he can take his painting home, and she tells him sure, as she's graded it. We see the painting is of him and a woman we soon learn is his mother, so it seems like that was the specific assignment. Helen tells Adam she gave him an A, and that it's great work. Adam finally overcomes his reservations and asks why Helen didn't use it for the presentation. Helen says it's not what he thinks, and that "that's between you and Joan." Adam disbelievingly asks if she doesn't care. Adam, it's a good thing you're below the legal gambling age, because you've got a couple of things to learn about quitting while you're ahead. Helen says of course she cares, as she doesn't want to see Joan get hurt or used. "But I choose to believe that you wouldn't do that." Aw. Adam haltingly says that he didn't want to mess things up with Helen. "It's complicated with me and Joan, but I don't have anyone else like you in my life either." Foreshadowing tells me that this remark doesn't bode well for Adam's relationship with Joan. I tell Foreshadowing to shut up, as he's ruining my favorite scene in the episode. Helen beams at Adam and tells him that she knows how hard it was for him finally to paint his mother, and she didn't think he'd feel comfortable sharing that work with so many people. She apologizes for not asking him first. Adam thanks her and leaves. Man, I didn't realize how much they needed to do an Adam/Helen scene until I saw that. I mean, obviously it couldn't approach the emotions of "Jump," but it's the nicest scene I remember them having since then. More, please.
Stevie's leaving the foster home when Joan calls her name. Stevie: "It's Bridget." Joan's like, riiiiiight. She returns Stevie's iPod (ch-CHING!). Stevie unenthusiastically thanks her and turns to go. Joan asks where she's going, and Stevie tells her she got her SSN, so she's got a couple of job interviews. Joan keeps after Stevie like a guy who doesn't know what it means when his date says, "I'm reeeeaaaalllly tired." She asks about school, but Stevie says she can't go back there, and she's going to get emancipated and get a job. I assume she means emancipated from the foster home, because Charlie doesn't have custody now, according to what they just told us in the last act. Joan tells Stevie she's a kid, and she has a family. Stevie demurs, but Joan goes off about how much Charlie and Ericalice care about Stevie, and again, her point would be a lot stronger if Ericalice hadn't been planning to leave the country. Joan continues, "Do you really think she's a criminal? All she ever did was love you!" Oh, Joan, you're not going to trap me into a debate about the ethics of what Ericalice did. Not at minute 51, anyway. Stevie looks sad and conflicted as Joan tells her that if she's going to run away without appreciating what she's been given, then she's getting exactly what she deserves. And y'all probably don't "deserve" yet another rant about this plot, but sadly, one is coming anyway, posthaste. Stevie's life was awesome before this happened. Now it kind of sucks. And shit like that happens, but for God to have basically tricked Joan into making this particular shit happen by framing it as something positive ahead of the fact, and then not providing a convincing reason for it after it blew up in Joan's face, feels disturbing and cruel to me. I mean, at least when God tested Job, he was honest about why he did it, and didn't cover it with bullshit about Greek philosophy and light bulbs. I don't know. Joan is supposed to learn and grow from her missions, and I just don't see how it's going to happen here. And what REALLY bugs me here is that this episode was still better than a lot of offerings this season. Haylie Duff actually wasn't bad, and the B and C plots were excellent, for the most part, and if the A plot hadn't succumbed to a bunch of problems that were incredibly distracting but also eminently avoidable, this episode would have been a real keeper.
But it's time for Kevin, who's getting ready for his treatment. He's in front of two metal rails that look like even parallel bars, and there's a film crew at the ready. An attractive young female is explaining to Kevin what will happen with the electrodes attached to his legs. Kevin translates the explanation as that his battery's dead, and he's getting a jump from another car. The woman agrees that that's basically it. "We'll send a signal to your perineal nerve. If it still functions, your leg will twitch." I'm twitching right now, but it's from anticipation, not electricity. After a slight hesitation, Kevin bravely hauls himself out of his chair and holds the rails as he says, "Light me up, Igor." The woman sends the pulse, and…nothing. After digesting that, Kevin fights to keep his voice even as he tells the camera that twenty percent of paraplegics don't respond to the therapy. Man, having to do a news story on your own heartbreak is rough. I don't know how the "liberal media" hacked the last two Election Nights. The woman kneels and tells him that sometimes you just have to adjust the electrodes, as Kevin jokes about her copping a feel. Dude, I know you wouldn't feel it, but I still think you don't want to encourage her to put an electrode in a particularly sensitive place. They try again, and after a few seconds, Kevin's right leg jerks forward. You wouldn't think it would kick through my TV and into my chest, but that's what happened, if my suddenly-pounding heart is any indication. As triumphant music plays, Kevin takes a few more steps, and then, overwhelmed, turns to the camera and says, "For WPFK, this is Kevin Girardi. I'm running the marathon at Hogan County Hospital." He sends it back, and that means I have to comment again. I can understand the apprehension of people of this storyline, but frankly, I think they've been out of ideas for this character for a while, so it might be worth a shot. From the link above, stim therapy is an arduous process and requires a huge commitment from the patient, so I don't think they're going to snap their fingers and have Kevin walking by the end of the season or anything. We'll see how this storyline is executed, but I'm kind of rooting for Kevin. As long as he apologizes to Luke, and means it.
Stevie goes in to see her mom at the station. Her mom's in a government-issue-looking sweatshirt, and it's very Prisoner: Cell Block H. Stevie stands away for a moment, but starts to cry as she says she was told why Ericalice did what she did. They take a seat, and Ericalice, with a sad smile, says that she had Stevie in her arms, and she was so small. "And you looked at me, and I couldn't let anything happen to you." They cry and touch foreheads. Outside, Joan asks Will what's going to happen, and Will says the DA cut a deal, and Ericalice will get three years in minimum security. Joan thinks the jail time doesn't seem right, and Will agrees. Well, if I wasn't going to get sucked into that discussion at Minute 51, you can bet your ass it's not happening at Minute 56. Joan sees Electrician God, and goes to talk to him. She wonders why Stevie has to lose her mom for three years. "They would have been fine if I'd just stayed out of it." Electrician God demurs, saying that their relationship was based on a lie, "and a lie, even if it's motivated by the best of intentions, blinds people from the light. One can't survive in the dark, Joan." Yeah, as I've already made clear, much like anything coming out of Condoleezza Rice's mouth, I ain't buying this. Joan asks how they'll get through this, and Electrician God says she made them see what they had, and what they were going to lose. He doesn't add, "After you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong," because shining light on the truth apparently doesn't extend to the kind of truth that would make the episode logic seem tragically flawed. I mean, if I give him the benefit of the doubt, he seems to be saying that Joan's interference prevented a worse alternative, that being Stevie's mom running away. But besides the point I already mentioned -- that Stevie wouldn't have pressed the issue without Joan's interference, nor would there have been an investigation -- is it really credible that Ericalice wouldn't have prepared better for this eventuality? The more I think about it, the more I realize this plotline was a straight-up mess. Having had enough of this avatar, for which I don't blame her at all, Joan goes back to Will. The camera pulls back to reveal Stevie and Ericalice sharing a long embrace. Those are going to be few and far between, but I'm sure the truth Stevie's going to wrap around her at night like a blanket will more than make up for it.
time: Goth God sets Joan up. At this rate, it's not going to take Lyme disease for her to dump him again.