Luke, Joan, and Grace are walking through the hall at school. Grace is haranguing Luke about his decision to get his driver's license. Great. Just what I need. It takes me nearly forty years to get around to getting my damn driver's license -- my road test is on February 7 -- and as if I don't already feel like I'm selling out to the Man and swimming in rivers of Iraqi blood, I have to have Grace's input on the matter: "Dude, you're contributing to global warming -- and you're handing over vital information to the CIA. When they take that picture? That's really a retinal scan." Oy. Mind you, Frink's wanted to convert our Golf to biodiesel for ages, and now that I have a rusty fifteen-year-old heap of my own, I guess we can sacrifice the trunk space and rack up some environmental brownie points. Joan walks between them, apathetically flapping her mittens in her face. Luke: "I'm getting my license, Grace. I'm not starting a covert war." Joan: "Is this, like, pillow talk for you two?" Grace: "Fighting for the environment is not a war." I think it might have to be. At least it would be something worth fighting for. Luke sighs: "I just wanna drive a big machine." Grace wonders if that's all men are really about. Joan: "Apparently."
They're about to run into a gaggle of bitchy girls, one of whom is Hilary Duff, but first, we have to get a snippet of their conversation in order to establish that they are essentially superficial, insecure, and competitive. Just in case you didn't discern it from their blonde, flat-ironed, pastel-wearing prettiness. The Duff suggests that they attend a one-day Ugg boot sale at the mall: "We should clear them out." One of the other girls snots, "Uggs are so five minutes ago. I'd rather wear Nine West…or die." Uh…whatever. I mean, I like Nine West and all, but I can't imagine it's the trendiest label of the moment. I wear it. How cool can it be? If you want to know what's going on shoe-wise, you need to read Manolo's Shoe Blog. No argument on the five-minutes-ago-ness of Uggs, though -- one of the most aptly named products in recent memory. They giggle, and The Duff tries to cover her tracks: "Like I was serious!" They're blocking the path of the subdefectives. Joan asks if they can get through. The Duff sneers, "Look! It's a pack of angry weirdoes." They walk off as Grace remarks, "Maybe ending the assault weapons ban wasn't such a bad thing." Hey, at least The Duff isn't playing herself. But would she be any better at it? I wonder. And at least the makeup artist wrested the black eyeliner away from her.
Joan's walking down the street later the same day. She's wearing some kind of scarf under her jacket -- or maybe it's a sweater with a really complicated collar -- that has a bunch of big pearls sewn up the side in a long cluster. (I'm not explaining this very well.) I didn't know what it was at first and I still don't, but it's kind of growing on me. Not that I could wear anything like that. It would look like it was growing on me. She sits down at the bus stop to some loony lady you just know is God. She's played by HITG! Veanne Cox. She makes a production out of moving her bag, and asking Joan, as she returns to her cross-stitching (or whatever), "Comfy?" She smiles a big, toothy, almost creepy smile at Joan, who just rubs her hands for warmth and doesn't reply. If I were Joan I would be suspicious of absolutely every stranger who spoke to me for any reason. Well, actually, I'm like that anyway, but if I were Joan, people wouldn't call me distrustful and paranoid. Freaky friendly lady: "They should really put benches at all the bus stops. Make the world a better place, one tush at a time." Yeah, and you know what we need even more than benches? Shelters. Hello? What good is a bench if I have to sit in the rain, snow, or freezing cold? Oh, what do I care? In a week, I'll have my license -- God willing -- and I'll turn into a lazy, pollution-spewing, big-fat-environmental-footprint-leaving, to-the-gym-driving car potato like everybody else. She adds, "What do you think, Joan?" She smiles creepily at Joan, who just looks at her, and finally says, "God says 'tush'?" Which is the best possible thing she could have said.
God, called "Personable Woman God" in the script, but called "Freaky Friendly God" in the recap, blathers on about what a crisp day it is and whether Joan had a nice day in school. Joan: "Okay, homework overdose here…" What? This God seems like a hybrid of 1970s Mary Tyler Moore and Marcia Cross on Desperate Housewives (leading one poster -- tljgator -- to refer to her as "Bree Van De God"). Freaky Friendly God: "Just thought I'd ask…show I care…'cause…I do." She sounds on the verge of tears for the last two words. But she's smiling. She may be the weirdest God yet. Joan: "And you always want something. What is it this time?" But she sounds more good-humoured and less petulant about it than usual. Freaky Friendly God wants a latte. She glances toward some street vendor where the pastel posse is hanging out and chewing the fat. Ew -- the one in the light blue coat is wearing pink boots and carrying a slouchy gold -- yes, shiny gold -- shoulderbag. Is that the in thing? I sure hope not, because it's goshdanged fugly. Uggs, low-rise pants, can't I catch a visual break here? Joan: "Oh no…not them. And the Lord sayeth, 'Get me a latte…'" Freaky Friendly says a little act can mean a lot. Joan: "Wouldn't the three dollars be better spent helping the poor?" Freaky Friendly knows Joan was going to spend that money on Slim Jims. Joan gets up in a huff as Freaky Friendly adds, "Two sugars, please." Frink: "I guess God doesn't believe in The Maker's Diet."
Joan hesitates near the cart, and then sacks up and marches over to the counter. She hoists her dark plaid shoulder bag up on the counter and starts rooting around in it as The Duff remarks, "Nice bag. Bargain bin? K-Mart?" Joan: "And your heads, I assume, are from Mattel?" Ha! The Duff glances back at Nine West, who whispers something to The Duff as Joan places her order. The Duff "accidentally" knocks Joan's bag to the ground and says, "Sorry," as the three of them wander off cackling. Joan is too taken aback for any witty ripostes. Too bad Grace wasn't there. She would have taken all three Barbie heads and switched them around. Frink thinks she should throw the bag in The Duff's face. He doesn't react well to bullies. As Joan crouches to gather up her bag, she sees The Duff trip as she's crossing the street. Her coffee goes flying and she takes an inordinate amount of time to collect herself. Joan mutters, "Oops," under her breath and smiles a snarky little smile to herself. When she stands up, she sees an SUV coming down the street. The driver is blathering away on a cell phone -- with no headset, so only one hand on the wheel; can't wait until it's illegal everywhere to drive and talk without a headset (mental note: remember to buy headset really soon) -- and Joan realizes he's not paying that much attention to where he's going. The Duff is still floundering cluelessly in the street, and it'd be a hard scene for a good actor to play convincingly, and here we see what the results are when you don't have a good actor…and Joan realizes she'd better do something. She runs over and saves The Duff's duff by grabbing her out of the way toward the sidewalk. They hit the pavement just as the SUV runs over her coffee cup. Nine West and Gold Bag watch with mild consternation from across the street. As Joan and The Duff gather their wits and brush themselves off, Joan sees Freaky Friendly getting on a bus down the street and giving her a Godwave. Theme song.
Oh, God, this Heffalump movie. Every time I hear that word it gets stuck in my head for days. What in the blue blazes is a Heffalump? I want to dig up A.A. Milne and clock him just for inventing that word. And while I'm at it, because one of the last things the world needs is some more Disneyfied crap, let's dig the old Nazi up, too, so I can kick him in the nuts for starting his miserable empire.
Huh. Good thing I'm mellowing out as I age.
In the Girardi kitchen, Will's reading from the newspaper story about Joan's heroic act. Kevin beams, "Nice, huh?" Joan complains, "You made me sound like Catwoman." Kevin wrote the story about Joan? I find it hard to believe that any newspaper that would be large enough to hire a fact-checker -- Kevin's original job -- would also allow staff to write stories about relatives. I find it hard to believe many papers too small or poor to afford a dedicated fact-checker would do it, for that matter. But if I start talking about all the bogus things related to Kevin's career trajectory we'll be here all day, and I still have two driving lessons to get through. The story says that Joan knocked The Duff out of the path of an oncoming truck, and Helen says, "I thought it was an SUV." Luke pipes up: "Actually, the Transportation Safety Administration classifies all SUVs as light trucks. Taking my driver's test Thursday." No one comments. Will tells Kevin he used the word "hero" seven times. Apparently they've fired all the editors at the Herald. No wonder reporters are allowed to write about their relatives. Helen comes over to kvell over the story some more: "In the Metro section? I thought you said last night they'd bury it on the comics page." Kevin: "Well, my editor thought Joan the Hero was too good for Hagar the Horrible." Joan: "It was more like a momentary loss of brain function." Luke: "Well, bravery can be seen as having a correlation of impaired judgment: Napoleon marching on Moscow…" Joan: "Grace going out with you…" Joan tells Kevin: "You forgot to mention my face full of latte…and Dylan Samuels* is not my friend. She's a total skank." (*Hereafter known as The Duff. Yeah, I know this should be at the bottom of the page. You think Sars doesn't have anything better to do than format footnotes? Deal.) Kevin says he focused on what readers want: "That's how journalism works. The public wants heroes." I thought the way it worked was: Your corporate overlords tell you what to do, and you do it. Joan thinks they could have found something better. Helen tells Joan she's very proud of her: "And if you ever do it again, I will kill you."
Joan and Grace walk through the halls as Joan complains about being a celebrity now, and responds to greetings from strangers. Grace: "Adored by drooling morons everywhere." Joan: "Oh, and barf watch: I have to get my picture taken for the school newspaper with [The Duff]." A small kid walks past Joan and says, "I want your action figure." Hey! It's That PeePeeDance Kid! At least I think it is. I have no idea where to dig that tape up right now. Grace mutters, "You so know he'd undress it." Joan: "Don't worry: the insta-fame's only gonna last for about another fourteen minutes." As she walks down the hall, practically every single person is looking at her, greeting her, noticing her, or smiling at her. Not at all believable. Some chirpy cheerleader types come bombing at her and Grace bails: "That's it. Now you're a Beatle. I'm out of here." Joan tries to grab her arm but Grace barks, "Girardi, I'm not your posse!"
Just then Adam, in toque and some really flashy silver-framed sunglasses, comes running down the hall toward her, excited. Joan tells him she doesn't want to talk about it. Adam: "No, come on, my girlfriend is the Wonder Woman of Arcadia High." She asks, "What, are you wearing those shades to avoid detection?" Adam's all jazzed because he's moved up from getting coffee to working on an account with his boss. So he went out and blew some money on expensive sunglasses? Adam gets to work on the campaign from concept to layout. Joan thinks that's "Enormously huge, like Marlon Brando, but before he died." He asks her to guess what the account is for. She says she hopes it's for the sunglasses: "Unless you're channelling Bono." Which I sure hope isn't the case, because Adam's one of the last people I'd want to have to slap upside the head. Adam preaches his boss's gospel of living with your product and making it part of you. Joan: "I hope you don't get an adult diapers account." Suddenly The Duff comes up behind them and seems real happy to see Joan. Joan introduces her to Adam and asks, "Where's Tweedledum and Tweedledee?" The Duff replies, "Off somewhere trying to pretend like they care." She says Brian's waiting to take their picture, and asks if she looks okay. Joan: "Oh, yeah. It's just the school paper. Kids don't really read it. Let's get this over with." Adam says he'll call Joan after work, and then there's an awkward little moment where he'd have kissed her except The Duff is right there making it weird, so Adam just takes off, telling The Duff, "I'm glad you're still…alive." She calls out after him, "Cool shades!" Joan tells her, "They're for work. He's a spy." The Duff titters: "That's funny."
As they're about to enter the newspaper office, The Duff tells her sincerely, "I just wanted to say that…what you did was really amazing." Joan: "Sure. Anytime. Not really." The Duff doesn't know how to sufficiently thank her. Frink: "You could apologize for being such a bitch." The Duff got her a gift. She hands Joan a chunky gold box. Inside is a watch with a red face and a red strap. It's a reasonably substantial watch, but compared to the one Joan normally wears, it looks almost delicate. Joan: "Wow, it looks like I retired from some job after thirty years." Joan tries to refuse the gift, but The Duff insists, saying it's the nicest thing she thinks anyone's ever done for her. Joan reluctantly accepts it and thanks her, adding, "If you really want to do something for me, don't…knock over my stuff. That would be helpful." Frink: "Thank you! Eat that, Duff!" He really has issues with bullies. And rude people. Often one and the same. The Duff responds to this with a halting sound that's sort of a chuckle, accompanied by a nervous look, and says, "You're hilarious." Okay, I was tired of Hilary Duff in her first scene. Now I'm really tired. Seriously, there was no good reason to cast her in this role, other than to try to attract her fan contingent to this show. Which I know seems like a "good reason" to network executives, but newsflash: it's not. She could barely hold her own against a Heffalump, never mind the mad acting skillz of the principals on this show. ["And is there really such a huge overlap between JoA fans and Duff fans? Not only does this casting kind of alienate viewers who aren't teenage girls, it also just assumes that all teenage girls are the same and have identically unnuanced tastes in culture. In short: boo." -- Sars] Any stunt casting on this show ought to at least take that into consideration. And I'll presume to speak for much of the audience when I say: spare us the stunt casting altogether. These people can almost never disappear into their roles, which means you're always conscious of their celebrity in the most annoying way. It's the same objection I have to seeing any film with people like Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts or any of that ilk in it: I never stop seeing Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, etc., no matter how good they might manage to be. Whereas I watched The Contender in its entirety and did not realize until the end: That was Gary Oldman? (Despite the fact that I vaguely registered his name in the opening credits.) Now there's a guy who can disappear into a role. Likewise Tilda Swinton, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren... Tip to actors who would like audiences to focus on their roles instead of their celebrity: Stay the hell out of the spotlight. It really helps. Yes, it is your fault. Gary Oldman isn't on the cover of US Weekly every time he buys a pair of shoes. Also, be British. That helps, too. Jude Law, you can just sit right back down. You crossed that line last year. Six films in one year? Sod off, mate. Your very ubiquity is pissing me off.
What the hell was I doing? Oh, yes. The Duff. And you know we have to put up with her sister in the three episodes, right? How I wish I were kidding. ["And if you think Hilary looks like a pie that got stepped on, wait 'til you dig Haylie. Troll-o-rama." -- Sars] Anyway, Joan doesn't know how to respond to The Duff's idiotic "You're hilarious" response, so they go into the newspaper office, where, of course, Brian is there, directing them to stand by the school seal. (As in insignia, not as in carnivorous marine mammal. Though the latter would be much more entertaining.) Joan asks The Duff if she's sure she wants to be photographed with her: "I know you have a reputation to protect." The Duff gives her a light "go on with you" tap on the back and puts her arm around Joan, smiling for the cameras. While the photographer snaps away, Brian, wearing a horrendously mismatched checked shirt and striped tie, interviews Joan: "Do you feel like a hero?" Joan makes an extremely weak joke about having left her cape at home, which Brian duly writes down as The Duff giggles. Joan looks apprehensively at the camera while The Duff beams.
Will's office. It's a good thing we see his nameplate, because everything isn't saturated with blue and I wouldn't have had a clue where we are. He phones somebody named Reggie and makes a secret request for this guy to pull some phone records for him: Lucyfer's. She suddenly busts into his office without knocking and says, "Grab your coat, Willie." "Willie"? I think not. Will tells Reggie, "Let me call you back, Helen." He asks Lucyfer, "What's up, Lieutenant?" She tosses him his coat: "Lunch. Why so formal? There's nobody else around. Lucy[fer]'s fine." Will claims he's swamped, and getting nowhere in the murder investigation. Lucyfer: "The guy killed your daughter's best friend! You really care if he was found in the bottom of a dumpster? I'd think you'd be celebrating. Come on. Lunch. Now." Yeesh. I don't think that whole domineering, aggressive thing works for Will, Lucyfer, but I highly recommend you check out Rex Van De Kamp. She walks toward the door, turns on her heel, and says, with an intimidating smile, "That's an order." Will: "I'm sure that's not an order I have to follow." Lucyfer: "Suit yourself, Detective." Yikes. I'll bet Chewy turns up dead . He'll mysteriously choke to death on an Everlasting Gobstopper. Lucyfer will pin it on an Oompa-Loompa.
Luke and Friedman are walking outside the school. Friedman's quizzing Luke about his driver's test but Luke pleads with him to stop. Friedman: "If I were sixteen, I'd want you to do it for me. There's a lot riding on this, man: us on the open road, wind in our hair, two gorgeous babes in the back seat…" Luke points out he'll be driving Helen's station wagon: "There's paint cans in the back seat." Friedman: "Okay, it's a fantasy, dude. Don't kill my buzz." Luke says Grace is right, that there are ecological ramifications. Friedman hopes Luke isn't seriously considering not getting his license because of Grace. Don't wait until you're forty, man -- that teenage feeling of invincibility? It goes away. Trust me, it does. It's a lot harder to learn to drive after you've seen several decades of highway carnage. Mind you, you'd do a lot better on insurance if you weren't a male aged 16-25. Friedman: "You cannot let her put your you-know-whats in a you-know-what. You know?" Luke: "I'm at once confused and disturbed by what you just said." Friedman rambles on with some macho baloney about virility and driving which makes me wonder if I'll need to start estrogen supplements soon. They both suddenly notice a fabulous red sports car, a Viper, I guess. An $85,000 car in the school parking lot? Sure thing. No doubt it's Mr. Price's. Actually, it's probably Lischak's. Whatever. They walk closer to it, gasping in shock and awe. Luke: "V-10 engine…500 horses…zero to sixty in 3.9…seconds." Frink: "Oh. My. God." Me: "Try not to soil the sofa." Friedman, chortling nervously: "I'm gonna pass out." Luke: "Quiz me." Friedman turns to the book: "Okay. Road rage."
Kevin's watching a weather forecast by someone named Storm Summers (or maybe "Somers") when Joan gets home. Joan wants to know who names their kid "Storm." People who watch a lot of dumb soap operas? ["Frank Field, a local NYC weather guy, named his son Storm, and then Storm became a weather guy on a competing station. This relevant yet uninteresting factoid was brought to you by…" -- Sars] Joan: "Was his dad in the X-Men?" Through a mouthful of potato chips Kevin says, "Hey, being glib and vapid is harder than it looks." Joan snatches the bag of chips, which is huge. The guy's forecasting ninety degrees tomorrow, which puzzles Joan. Kevin says it's a tape; he got the tape from the "TV people" at the courthouse: "They said if I ever have a decent story to pitch, they'd give me a try." Joan: "Oh, so you want to be Storm Girardi?" I actually think Kevin Girardi sounds exactly like the name of a sportscaster. Kevin says "Storm" also does man-on-the-street spots, too, like the guy who can belch "God Bless America" and the woman who baked Arcadia's largest croissant: "Or…the girl who saved her friend from certain death." Joan figures out where this is going: "No." Kevin beams at her. She refuses. He says, "They saw my article. They wanted to talk to you and [The Duff]." Joan says it's already all too much for her. Kevin sighs: "Relax. I already said you wouldn't do it." Joan: "Good. Thank you." Kevin: "Unless I did the interview myself." Joan: "You used me. That's nice. Nice." Kevin laughs: "Hey…what good is a sister if you can't take advantage of her?" Frink: "Uh, dude, you want to maybe…rephrase that?" Joan: "You really want to be a newscaster?" Kevin: "I'm charming, I'm cute, I can sit for hours in a chair…" Yeah, who needs J-school? That's for Twinkies. Joan: "You don't care about the facts." Kevin: "It's perfect, right?" Frink: "Yeah, you should be able to get a job at Fox News, no problem." Kevin talks into the remote control: "'So, Joan, how does it feel to be revered by the masses?'" Joan smiles in spite of herself -- she's so susceptible to him -- and says, "You so owe me." She knocks the remote out of his hand.
After the commercials, Joan's backstage at some TV studio, sitting at a mirror. A makeup artist comes over and tells her she did a wonderful thing. Joan: "And now I'm paying for it." The makeup artist says, "All the attention getting you down, Joan?" She gives Joan a big toothy smile. All I can say is, that should be one hell of a makeup job. Maybe God could teach me how to apply blush. As it is, I gave up in high school. Joan makes reference to God's omniscience, asking, "What do you think?" Makeup Artist God: "When someone shows the world what people are capable of, they become an inspiration." Joan says, "But now they expect me to be one. I was just on a latte run that went bad." Makeup Artist God: "Went well for [The Duff]." Joan: "Yeah. She's fine. She's alive. Why do I have to go through all of this now?" As Makeup Artist God fiddles with Joan's hair, Joan asks, "Can't I just go get you that latte, and Kevin can bring you Arcadia's largest croissant?" Makeup Artist God: "You set a lot in motion, Joan. You have to see this through." Joan: "She's alive. Isn't that enough?" In this particular case, seems like more than enough, if you ask me. Makeup Artist God: "You saved a life. Don't you want to get to know the life you saved?" What if she doesn't? Is that really such a problem? Makeup Artist God tells Joan to close her eyes. Joan complies, asking, "Are you going to let me see what it is I'm supposed to do? I mean, are you gonna show me how it's all gonna work out?" Makeup Artist God: "I'm gonna do your eyeliner."
Luke catches up to Grace in the hall at school: "I'm getting my driver's license, Grace, and there's nothing you can do or say to stop it. The missile has been armed, the launch codes have been keyed in, and that sucker's gonna fly. You hear me?" Grace is eating something, and through a mouthful of food she calmly says, "Fine." Luke sighs: "Look, I love the planet, Grace. But I also love the spirit of discovery that's brought us precision engineering and automotive excellence." Perhaps some of that precision engineering could be applied to less destructive automotive excellence. I'm just saying. Luke blathers on about the car being the cornerstone of economic advancement for the last century. Friedman comes bombing up behind them. Luke rambles on: "And I am not going to be the one to plunge our global economy into chaos and ruin." The Bush Administration is doing just fine with that without your help, anyway. Grace says, "Fine," and keeps on walking. Luke and Friedman stop and watch her as she hustles up the stairs, with a brief glance at Luke. She doesn't look all that pissed, but she's not happy either. Luke tells Friedman, "If she wants to break up over this, fine." Friedman slaps him on the shoulder: "That was manly, dude. I think I'm tingling a little." Ew.
Joan's standing near a table of food, snacking away, when Kevin wheels up. Frink: "Well, they heard you about the hair." Me: "I don't think that's what I was saying…" Actually, I had to do a double take, because suddenly Kevin has Rob Lowe's hair. (And not the good, short, snappy, The West Wing Season Two hair. You know the hair I mean.) This? I…dunno about this. I mean, I've been lobbying for a haircut forever, but this isn't quite what I had in mind. It's pretty…poufy. Lotta mousse and spray, I'd say. Which, after the flat pudding-bowl cut, is rather a shock. It's total anchorman hair, but maybe for someone twenty years older. I wonder what Lily will think of it. I imagine she'll have something pithy to say. I also understand that some of the cut hair was sold by someone on eBay to raise money for a Huntington's disease charity. Apparently someone spent $51.00 USD for a bag of Jason Ritter's hair and an autographed set of sides. I can't imagine buying a bag of anyone's hair, but whatever. Joan (who's wearing the watch The Duff gave her): "What's with the Storm hair?" Kevin: "Oh, they like the way it catches the light." Uh, what? He also seems to be wearing clear lip gloss. Joan: "Are you wearing eyeliner?" Kevin coughs nervously and changes the subject: "Look, I know how much you hate doing this, so…thanks." As they head for the set, Joan says, "I'm sure Barbie's over the moon. She actually likes being the centre of the universe." Kevin tells Joan not to be so hard on The Duff: "We were talking earlier. She said you changed her life." The director asks everyone to get in place, and Joan asks Kevin what else The Duff said. Kevin says it was off the record, adding, "Let's just say, if I gush over you a little during the interview, it might actually be sincere. I said 'might.'" Joan looks a little panicked as the director starts counting down.
Joan and Adam are walking through the halls together. Adam's got his shades on and people are still marveling openly at Joan and greeting her. Adam: "You know, if we were married, I would be Mr. Joan Girardi." And he seems really pleased about it, too. I love Adam. Joan says this is about as much fun as walking around there naked. Adam says she did look good on TV. Joan: "I forgot my brother's name! How's your project going?" Adam: "Ah, it's okay. Michael uses words like, 'incredibly talented' and 'heir to the throne.' So it's stoke-a-rama for the Rovester." If those glasses are making you talk like that, take them off now. Joan: "Who?" Adam: "I have no idea. But you know, I do know that if my name is on a real ad campaign, I could probably write my own ticket to any college in the country." Joan, opening her locker, "Mmm, don't get ahead of yourself there, Rovester." Adam: "What, you don't think that'll happen?" Joan looks at Adam's hurt expression: "I -- I didn't mean to -- of course it'll happen." Adam smiles and puts his arm around her as they walk off.
Will's looking through a printout at his desk when Chewy -- and his snack of the moment -- walk in, asking what's up. Will tells him to close the door. He asks Chewy to look into something for him: "Sort of unofficially." He wants Chewy to dust all the coins in the coinbox of the phone booth near where Edwards's body was found. There was a call made from there the night of Judith's murder. Chewy wants to know who received the call. Will covers up the printout: "Still working on it." Chewy goes off to do Will's bidding.
Joan snatches some books off the shelf at the bookstore and suddenly The Duff's face appears in the void. That'd scare anybody off reading. Joan asks what she's doing there. The Duff: "I saw your angry friend and she said that you'd be here." Joan: "Oh. Her name is Grace." Then: "So…no cappuccinos today?" The Duff: "With Elle and Gabby? I don't think so." She tags along as Joan wheels a cart around the store, saying, "I can't be with them anymore, I mean, they're so jealous of you. And what do they expect? Of course everyone's going to be talking about you." Joan: "They're your friends. You were like conjoined blondes." The Duff notices that Joan's wearing the watch she gave her. I wonder why she didn't notice during Kevin's interview. "So you like it?" Joan claims she dropped the other one in the bathtub: "So I guess it's a good thing I saved you, huh?" Keep looking for that silver lining, Joanie. The Duff keeps trying to suck up/make conversation by saying how cool Kevin is, and that Joan's mom seems really great too: "You know, I was gonna take art, but Gabby and Elle said that it was dumb. I don't know why I listened. It must be really amazing to have such a great family." Joan: "Well, we're your typical freakazoids. Your family's probably much less lame." The Duff says her father abandoned her and her mother when she was much younger; she doesn't really remember him. Then she pours out this big story about how she tells everybody her mother's a lawyer because that seems respectable, but actually she waits tables at some steakhouse by the airport, and they move around a lot and she lies because it's easier than telling people the truth. Joan doesn't see what the big deal is. The Duff: "I can't believe I never knew how cool you were." Joan pooh-poohs the idea of her coolness. Joan: "Me -- not cool. Me -- totally room temperature." The Duff repeats that and laughs, saying that's so cool. Oy. God. Tape counter check…I'm not even at the halfway mark. Probably too late to get someone to cover this recap for me. The Duff plops herself into a nearby chair: "You must read a lot, working here, huh? Do you have, like, a favourite book or something?" While I would love to hear Joan's answer to this question, Joan just kind of simpers at The Duff and doesn't say anything. People: if you're going to save someone's life, make sure it's someone you have something in common with. Otherwise it's just going to be unpleasant for everybody.
Helen's making dinner when Will comes in, saying, "Smells good!" Helen: "Me, or the stew?" Will kisses her, saying, "Both." He asks what the occasion is. I'm gonna guess…dinner? Helen says it's in honour of the award that Joan's getting at school tomorrow. Will hasn't heard about it, which puzzles Helen, because Lucyfer's arranged for the police department to give Joan an award for her bravery. Will struggles to keep his expression neutral as Helen says Lucyfer called this afternoon. Will: "Lucy[fer]? She called you?" Helen wonders why she wouldn't tell Will first. He makes up a story about being out all day and leaving without checking his messages. Helen says softly, "I felt a little ashamed when I was talking to her. I mean, this was a really nice thing for Joan. I guess she's not as bad as I thought." Will: "Yeah, she's really something." Hide the pet rabbit, Will. Now. You might also want to look into a Kevlar jockstrap.
Joan and The Duff are in line at the cafeteria. The Duff asks if Joan's excited about the award ceremony. Joan: "Making Price kiss my butt in public? I couldn't make that one up in my dreams." Joan hands her what looks like an agenda book and asks, "So how'd you get so organized?" The Duff says, "Nobody likes mistakes, so it's easier to just do things right. Besides, then everybody will stay off your back." Joan: "So that's what I've been doing wrong." The Duff says she's been thinking about tossing the whole thing, anyway: "I mean, who needs to be perfect, right? Look at you." Joan wonders if that was a compliment. The Duff: "Totally." She's starting dressing more like Joan, with a scarf around her neck and a frilly sweater. Joan: "Okay. So what do I want to make me sick today?" She selects a tray of nachos and some grape juice. The Duff takes the same thing. Adam comes rushing in as they're heading for the cashier, saying he only has ten minutes: "You want to have lunch?" The Duff tells Adam the nachos look awesome. He says he brought something. Joan: "Let's go, the meter's running…" She tells The Duff she'll see her at the "award thingy." The Duff thought they were going to eat lunch together. Joan explains she only has ten minutes with her boyfriend: "He's a mogul." God, I hate cling-ons. I just don't know what to do with people who can't be by themselves. The Duff says she'll see them at the award ceremony. As Joan and Adam take off, she sees Gabby and Elle giving her cold, haughty looks. The Duff turns away and just stands there with her tray, instead of going and sitting somewhere and reading something like any functional person would.
Joan and Adam sit down as he apologizes for having to miss the award ceremony, because he has to go over some stuff with his boss. Joan doesn't care; she's only doing it for her parents: "And [The Duff]." Adam shows her his visual concept for the sunglasses campaign, the slogan for which is "in your face." Adam: "I'm telling you, Jane, the way we work…we're like equals." Well, this is hardly anvilicious, is it? Joan: "I could date those glasses." They're all smiley and about to kiss when suddenly The Duff's there, interrupting: "You know, Joan told me how important this ad thing was, and I just wanted to say good luck. It looks awesome." Send him a text message, missy. She glances over toward Gabby and Elle, who are watching her and practicing their bitchfaces. Adam, ever sensitive, notices, and suggests that The Duff take his seat, since he has to run anyways. Joan pleads, "Adam -- don't you have a few more minutes?" He says he doesn't want to be late for hearing Michael tell him how great he is, so he kisses her and takes off. The Duff plants her duff: "Don't worry…I'll keep you company."
Will's at the vending machine (yes, you read that right, Will -- not Chewy) when Chewy comes up to tell him the coins had already been dusted. He starts putting money in, even though Will had just been chucking coins in and hadn't gotten anything yet. Will's too surprised to care: "What? Who ordered them?" Three guesses, and if you pick Satan, Beelzebub, and Abaddon, you win the little plastic pitchfork. Chewy says he can get Will the report. Will tells him not to bother: "Must have come up dry. Sorry to waste your time." Chewy asks if there's anything else. They're both distracted by the sight of Lucyfer down the hallway. Will tells Chewy there's nothing else and walks away. Chewy, ever mindful of the importance of snacking, tosses Will the can of soda I guess he'd selected. Lucyfer comes up to ask whether Will wants a ride over to Arcadia High: "I'll let you take a sneak peek at her award." Will says he has a few stops to make on his own: "Thanks." Lucyfer: "Sure."
Friedman's at his locker when Luke comes down the stairs with a huge smile: "Look! I got my license, dude, I did it!" Friedman: "Yeah, baby!" They hoot and jump up, bumping their chests together. Grace is on the stairs behind them, watching this display with a grim expression: "So you did it, huh? Who cares about the polar ice cap melting? You just pack the penguins in your car. You can all do a drive-through for a burrito grande." Luke: "Can the preamble, Grace. If you're gonna do it, just do it, okay? I am a gas-guzzling, smog-spewing tool of a corrupt oil-based economy. So just break up with me! Because I am never gonna live up to your expectations." Grace is slightly dumsquizzled: "Dude, you've endowed me with entirely too much power." Luke: "But, you said…" Grace: "I say a lot of things. I'm just a simple anarchist trying to get through my day. You do your thing, I do mine." I love Grace. Friedman is thinking, "Dude, that is so hot," but wisely chooses not to vocalize that thought. Luke: "So you'll ride with me?" Grace laughs: "Yeah, right. Let me go get my fur coat." As she brushes past him, she touches his shoulder and says quietly that she'll meet him in the biology closet at 3:00. Luke stares after her, asking Friedman, "What just happened?" Friedman: "Who cares? Shotgun!" They run out.
Overhead shot of various toilet stalls. Joan's in the last one, hiding from this year's barnacle. Didn't they learn anything from Iris? No one likes a barnacle. Someone knocks on the door and Joan says it's taken. The knocking persists, and Joan points out the other stalls are free and asks for a little peace. Under the door we see little pair of orangey-red boots with fringes and we hear a familiar voice: "I'm all about giving you peace, Joan." Joan bangs her head gently against the wall and laughs silently to herself before reaching over to open up the door. There's Little Girl God, who's really growing up fast. Little deities do that, don't they? One minute they're all drooling and pooping themselves and the thing you know it, they're smiting people and turning them into pillars of salt. Where do the millennia go? Joan throws up her hands: "God isn't familiar with my right to privacy?" Uh, you're not familiar with the concept of omnipresence? That's the creepy thing about God: there is actually no privacy. Well, one of the creepy things. Little Girl God: "Things must be pretty bad for you to seek solace in a bathroom stall." Joan says she's gotten to know the life she saved, and it's creepy: "She won't leave me alone." Joan tries to close the door, but Little Girl God pushes it open: "She looks up to you. She needs a hero." Joan: "Why? She's already been saved." Joan comes out of the stall. Little Girl God says some people can't see their own lives: "They live in a kind of darkness. They think that the only way they can see is by using someone else's light. That's what she's looking to you for." Joan whines that she can barely see herself. Little Girl God knows. Joan: "Nice. You know, a little pep talk every now and then wouldn't kill you." Little Girl God says she's doing just fine. Joan: "So how do I make her see? What do I make her see?" Little Girl God just walks out with a Godwave. I notice in this scene that although Joan and Little Girl God aren't dressed at all similarly, they're wearing the same unusual colour scheme: orangey-red, a purpley-fuchsia, and browns. Joan gives a snarky little Godwave back.
Auditorium. Lucyfer, Joan, The Duff, and Price are all onstage. Lucyfer presents a certificate for outstanding public service to Joan and gives her a little embrace. Will watches warily. Everyone applauds. Nine West (I don't know if that's Gabby or Elle, so we're back to that) leans forward and says something to Brian. Price thanks everyone for coming and as people stand up to leave, he says to her, "Very uplifting, Ms. Girardi. An oasis in the desert of your permanent record. Well done." Joan: "Excuse me?" Price: "Well done." Joan: "Once more?" He starts to leave the stage as Brian starts asking questions: "[The Duff], there were other witnesses at the scene who said the vehicle was never in any danger of hitting you? Is that true?" Price tells him not to waste the sheriff's time: "I'm sure that the streets of Arcadia are teeming with felons." Hee. The Duff says Joan pulled her out of the street. He asks her to verify that she saw that the SUV was going to hit her. She says she heard tires squealing. Joan tells Brian the car was going to hit her. Brian: "But if you didn't actually save her life…" Joan says she didn't ask for "this whole fiesta." She says she was just there and The Duff was going to get hit. Helen pipes up: "That was the account written up in the Herald." Brian: "By your son. Do you consider that to be objective journalism?" Oh, now we care about that? Chah, whatever. Do you consider that bright yellow sweater vest over the blue shirt to be a non-eyesore? Also, way to wear the school colours, dweeb. Kevin, who's also there -- with his poufy new hair that makes him, no joke, at least two inches taller -- says, "Dude, I checked all the facts." Lucyfer pats Joan on the shoulders, saying, "I think we can move along here. This is a celebration." Brian wants The Duff to definitively say that Joan saved her life. Good gravy, who really cares? It's not like an entire political party stole an election leading to someone who was never actually elected being in office for eight years while he freedomizes the world. Everyone looks at The Duff. She stands there like Bambi, caught in the bitchface glare coming from Gabby and Elle. She caves, of course: "I don't know, it happened so fast, and…" Joan: "[The Duff]…" The Duff points at the bitches and says, "Ask them…they were there, I guess they would know." One of the other reporters -- and there seem to be some there apart from Kevin; I mean, my God, is there absolutely nothing else going on in Arcadia this afternoon? -- says the driver of the SUV said there was plenty of time to stop. Will points out that this is because The Duff could sue him. Another reporter asks Will if he doesn't think it's a conflict of interest to get his own police department to give his daughter an award. Lucyfer says firmly that it was her call. Price tells them they're done and everybody should get back to class. Joan, listening to the mild bickering that's going on, turns to The Duff and says, "Tell them!" The Duff just gives her a "can't help you" look and walks offstage. You know, it's not like a better actor would have made this weak, implausible storyline much better, but at least it wouldn't have hurt to try that.
After the commercials the Girardis are at the kitchen table. Joan's reading a news story: "Questions Arise About High School Hero." Helen says it's ridiculous and that she's cancelling their subscription. Man, if I did that every time someone wrote something I didn't like, there wouldn't be a magazine or newspaper left in the world I could read. Kevin: "Don't look at me, it's not my byline." Helen: "How can they print such garbage?" Luke: "Well, technically the article's true. Questions did arise." Will tells her not to worry about it. Joan: "'Don't worry about it'? Everybody thinks I'm walking slime now!" Kevin says he tried to get them to kill the story: "But they said I wasn't being objective." Joan says they could have talked to the coffee cart guy: "He saw!" Kevin says that was in the first piece: "This is the new angle for the follow-up." Joan gripes about her life being an angle. Luke: "Classic case of yellow journalism. Sensationalism unclouded by fact." Joan claims she's going to school with a bag on her head. Will says she's not any different: "They are." Joan tells him she hopes she didn't get him in any trouble with his boss. Will tells Joan not to worry about that.
Joan walks through the halls at school, with everyone staring at her, gossiping about her, calling her names, and passing judgment on her. Honestly, isn't there anyone at Arcadia High who's just indifferent, or out of it, or not part of the hive mind? As Joan reaches her locker, some girl tells her, "Lying so you have something to write about on your college essay? You make me sick." Joan calls after her, "Have a nice day!" Then she mutters to herself: "Now I know how JLo feels." The Duff walks through the hall behind Joan with her bitchface posse. Gold Bag snots, "Oh my God, someone's in peril! Oh, never fear, SuperJoan's going to take credit." No way does Gold Bag know the word "peril." Joan asks The Duff, "So you're back to making fun of me? How does that work?" The Duff squeaks, "Don't rag on me!" Joan: "You were there." The Duff: "I wasn't looking, and they said --" Joan: "You're incredible! Yesterday you said I was the most important person in your life, but the second these clones take me down, I'm just something on your shoe?" Nine West asks The Duff: "'The most important person in your life'?" The Duff claims she didn't say that. Joan huffs that she tried to cut The Duff some slack: "Thinking there was a decent person in there." She takes off the watch and gives it back to The Duff: "Why don't you give this to the most important person in your life?" The Duff: "I don't want that thing! It was just some cheapie off of a cart in the mall." She tries to walk away again but Joan's pretty mad: "But you know what it meant when you gave it to me!" The Duff claims it was a joke. Joan: "Oh my God, I can't take this anymore. The whole sob story about your mother being a waitress -- was that just another lie, too?" The Duff looks scared now -- and the clones look suspicious. The Duff says Joan doesn't know what she's talking about. Joan: "'Oh, Joan's a subdefective. She'll buy that waitress story. Hmm, Don Thornberry's by the airport…that's good and sad.'" Nine West: "Your mom's a waitress?" The Duff's little eyebrows keep bunching up and now she's all teary as Joan rants on: "Yeah, what's it gonna be week? Oceanographer? Oh, I know: a princess!" The Duff just stands there looking like a smacked puppy. She finally turns and walks away without a word as Joan realizes what's happened. She calls out, "I thought you were making it up! I'm so --"
Adam's in Helen's classroom, angrily cutting his ad campaign to pieces. Helen comes in and asks him how the big meeting went. Looking at what he's doing, she asks, "Was that your mockup for the presentation?" Adam: "Yeah. Mockup. That's the perfect word." Helen, assuming they hated his pitch, says she's sorry. He says they loved it. He's mad because Michael took all the credit for the campaign, and then sent him out for coffee. Helen looks like she's not all that surprised, and says she's sorry. Adam continues slicing and ranting and flinging stuff around. Helen reminds him that he's just sixteen: "What'd you expect? This is the real world?" Adam: "So people pump you up just to steal your ideas?" Uh, yeah. He can't believe that's the real world, and says he's going to go back to his cleaning job at the hotel, which was at least an honest job. Helen says maybe Adam pumped Michael up, thinking he would change Adam's life when he's just some guy who's out for himself. Adam calms down a little, but says he just thought that maybe he'd have something to show for all his effort. Helen says that he does: "You know your work is good enough to steal." That had clearly not occurred to Adam.
Biology closet. Grace is already there when Luke comes in with a gift for her. I hope that's not a set of car keys. He holds it out. She regards it, stonefaced: "I'm gonna make out with you anyway." Luke tells her to just open it. She does, and finds two green transit passes. Luke: "It's the natural gas bus line. I thought we could celebrate my driver's license by walking thirty blocks out of our way and taking a bus to the Save the Earth Rally." Grace smiles a little and kisses him. Luke stops for a moment to confess: "Okay, I drove ten miles to get them." Grace giggles. Man, she's crazy about him. They go back to making out. I do believe he's getting the hang of this boyfriend thing.
Will knocks and enters Lucyfer's office. She says immediately, "Sorry about yesterday. My intentions were pure." I don't even know how she can say that with a straight face. Will: "I want you to stay away from my family. Do not contact my wife or children again. You're crossing lines I will not allow to be crossed." Man, I wish he'd used his Fat Tony voice for that. He opens the door to go, as Lucyfer says, "I hear you wanted to run some prints on the coins from the Edwards scene." He closes the door and turns around. "You know, it must be awfully frustrating for a guy like you to have a woman like me always be one step ahead of you." Will: "What do you want?" Okay, that was almost Fat Tony. Lucyfer: "Don't play the fool, Will. You've been a part of this dance. I couldn't do it alone. I believe you've enjoyed our lunches and working late. Confiding in me." Will: "That's crap." Lucyfer leers at him: "Really? Have you told your wife everything?" She widens her eyes knowingly. "I bet you kept some secrets, huh? 'Cause you've been thinking about it. Let's have a little reality check, here, Detective. You're no Boy Scout. You stood right alongside me when we brought that witness in on false charges." Will says he's not like her. Lucyfer: "No. You'll never be as good as me." Is it just me, or is your skin crawling too? She laughs and her smile gets even creepier: "Well, that's too bad. We could have had some fun." Will turns to leave with a grimace. She adds, "But cheer up -- you can leave here believing you're still a decent man. I'd like all the arrest reports from last week on my desk by 5:00." Will walks out without a word, marches straight up to Human Resources, and files a sexual harassment suit. Then he quits his job and on the way home he buys a struggling little Italian restaurant he plans to reopen as Papa Girardi's, a humble little place free of insidious blue filters and soul-destroying corruption. Well, not really. But wouldn't all that be great?
Nighttime. Adam's walking along a street looking kind of disillusioned. Joan catches up with him. She's wearing the cutest coat. I keep mentioning that to Frink, who thinks it doesn't look very warm. Me: "Could you stop being an engineer for, like, one minute? Look how cute it is!" Frink: "Yes, it's adorably impractical." Joan says she heard from her mother about what happened in the ad meeting: "I'm sorry." They walk slowly down the street, arm in arm, as Marc Cohn's song "Walk Through the World" plays. Adam thanks her, and says, "I heard you weren't a hero anymore." Joan confirms this, laughing mirthlessly, and adds, "I'm mean, too. I yelled at [The Duff] and ruined her life." Adam shakes his head: "What happened? Five minutes ago, you know, we were amazing, and how'd everything get so low so fast?" Joan: "Not everything. The TV people really liked Kevin, you know, they've asked him to pitch a few more stories. Apparently he has TV hair. Has anything really changed? I kind of like it better just being us." They kiss. Adam apologizes, saying he has to go pick up Michael's dry cleaning.
He takes off and Joan walks a little further, finding Freaky Friendly God on a bench, drinking coffee, staring straight ahead. She sits down, and she and God slowly glance at each other. Joan: "Okay, so I was horrible to [The Duff]." Freaky Friendly God: "She lost her hero -- she didn't know where to turn…" Joan says the whole hero thing is totally fake: "I was never any different. She made me into something I'm not!" Freaky Friendly God says she's right: "If you're trying to get your worth from someone else, you can't fulfill your own true nature, which is what I'm all about." Joan wants to know why everyone has to hate her now: "They were all over me before!" Yeah, but you didn't like that either, as I recall. God says they like her: "And they hate you." Joan says that makes no sense. Freaky Friendly God: "It's a paradox. You're a hero. And you're not perfect. You were horrible to [The Duff] because you cared. Another paradox. If you accept that they both can exist simultaneously, then you can find peace in the contradictions, which is where you'll find me." Joan wants to know what she's supposed to do now: "You asked me to get to know the life I saved, and I did…it's messed up. I -- I can't change her. I'm no hero. I'm just me." Freaky Friendly God: "Maybe that's enough." She gets up and wanders off with a Godwave.
The Duff's standing in front of one of the food cases in the cafeteria. There are several different types of desserts in paper trays, all lined up. All looking equally unappetizing. She stands there with an empty tray as some guy takes a cookie. Joan wanders over and says hey. The Duff: "Hey." Joan: "Gabby and Elle?" The Duff: "Ditched me." Joan: "I'm really sorry." The Duff says she knows. Joan says she doesn't understand how The Duff could just turn on her like she did. The Duff: "Because they did. Because I'm always scared I'm gonna be on the wrong side. I'm not like you. I mean, throughout this whole entire thing, when everybody was into you and then they were against you, you never changed into somebody else. You were always just Joan." Joan shrugs: "And you're just [The Duff]." The Duff replies, "And who is that? I've been standing here staring at the desserts for probably five minutes. You know why? Because I don't know what I like. I mean, how pathetic is that? I have no idea who I am." Joan looks like she can't quite believe there's someone so much more insecure and addled than she is herself, but says, "Maybe it's time to find out." She starts putting one of every dessert on her tray -- including something in scary shades of pink and yellow not found in nature. Do you think they get a special price on all that, a sort of Bulimia Special? They sit down at a table -- not that I believe hardly any high school girl in North America would sit down in the middle of her cafeteria with six or seven desserts, particularly if she were as insecure as The Duff, but whatever -- and Joan watches as The Duff tentatively takes a bite of one and then another.
episode: More Dufftastic stunt casting! Because networks are exceptionally slow to learn. Here's a starting point: if you're going to stunt-cast, at least don't pick people who've got their own damn category on Go Fug Yourself. Well, I suppose Haylie is a slightly better actor than Hilary, at least. Still. Just stop it, willya?
And me? Look for me on Pimp My Ride, or Overhaulin', or whoever'll take me. I need some help turning my rustbucket into a funkmobile. You know, assuming my road test goes as well as Luke's.