Adam catches up with Joan at school and asks about her tutoring session with Roger. Joan's happy; he helped her with her history paper and she aced her math quiz. Adam shows her a catalogue from Bennington, extolling their art department: "Plus all the liberal arts stuff for you." Joan's all, "Vermont?" Hey, don't slag Vermont: it snagged apple pie as its state pie. (State pie? That was a new one on me.) What, were all the other states asleep at the wheel? Its state beverage is milk. Apple pie and milk: how much more American can you get? And you gotta love a state song with lyrics like these. ("Sing we a song! / Sing loud and long! / To our little state so peerless!" Ha ha ha! I'm dying to hear the melody to this.) Okay, that's the old state song, but it's way better than the new one, if you ask me. And you gotta love a place that names "talc" its state mineral. Joan dismisses Vermont as having way too much snow. Maybe it's not snow, Joan. Maybe it's talc. Adam: "Yeah, but they don't have grades there." This elicits much derisive snorting from the guy on the other end of the couch, the one with the engineering degree from the prestigious school. (The guy, not the couch.) Now Joan's interested: "Really? I do love maple syrup." Glancing at the Bennington catalogue, she makes a sound of disappointment: "Hold the pancakes. Tuition's, like, a car and a half. I think my family's going to be living out of a barrel after this lawsuit." Adam suggests Berkeley, but Joan dismisses it as totally impossible to get into, and adds that Roger suggested she try to get into some small places: "You know, like Oberlin…" Adam: "Oberlin? Isn't that in the middle of a cornfield? I mean, what are we gonna do, shoot squirrels and join a militia?" Heh. Is it in the middle of a cornfield? I wouldn't know. But I'll bet Oberlinites (Oberlinians? Oberliners?) are complaining about this on their campus message board. Adam insists they've gotta be to a city, and Joan agrees.
The bell rings. As he's waving goodbye to her, he bumps into the school secretary, a.k.a. Queer Deity for the Straight Girl. QDftSG hands Joan a flyer advertising chorus auditions for the school musical: For the Love of Zombies. Joan can't believe God wants her to audition for a musical. QDftSG: "The chorus. Where it all begins." Joan objects weakly: "You're not serious." QDftSG: "I'm always serious. Which doesn't mean I'm not fun." Yeah, that's what I tell people, too. Which doesn't mean anyone buys it. Joan lights into him about how hard she's working to get into college so she can have a future. QDftSG: "The future includes more than just you." Joan knows, adding that's why she and Adam are applying to schools together. She asks for some help with her essay. QDftSG declines on that front and tells her, "You'll need an up-tempo and a ballad. Anything from Les Mis[érables] is fine." Obligatory Hatred of Musical Theatre Warning: I hate musical theatre. I'm not even all that big on theatre, though there are times when I don't have to be dragged at gunpoint to Shakespeare or experimental theatre. But most theatre, and musical theatre in particular, makes me feel like I'm a conscript in a trepanning study. Or wish that I were. I hate Broadway music and show tunes and all that jazz. So please, abandon all hope that I'll point out things like whether or not there are any up-tempo pieces in Les Mis, or whatever. Please don't write to tell me how if I just saw [fill in the blank] it would change my mind, because it ain't gonna happen. Anyway, QDftSG wanders off to hand out more flyers (giddily proclaiming, "Singing, dancing, zombies, oh my!") as Joan shouts after him, "Do you remember in fourth grade when they dressed me up like a daisy?" She sighs, "That didn't go well." Theme song. Which, thankfully, is nothing like a show tune.
The director of the play -- the drama teacher, presumably -- is leading a bunch of students through some dance steps when Joan arrives to find him shouting, "Now kick it! Now kick it! Now kick it! Now kick it!" He backs them up and turns around to face them, kneeling. They all dutifully kneel. He tells them, "You're reaching up from eternal damnation. People, let me see those zombie hands! Grrrrrrr!" They all gesture menacingly with their hands, at which point the teacher turns and sees Joan. He tells her she's late and starts in again on another routine as she joins the group. Joan asks Friedman, who's shuffling around clumsily at the back of the group, "Who's Ryan Seacrest?" For the benefit of viewers who did not actually, you know, view this episode: I find this guy to be nothing like the overly coiffed, unfunny lump of smug who hosts American Idol. I find him more reminiscent of Jerry Seinfeld, but less smarmy. Much less smarmy. Friedman says, "He's the guest musical director. Rumour has it he was in Rent, or he needs rent, or something. I don't know." Okay, so he's not a teacher. Friedman: "The drama geeks call him Johnny Broadway." I can work with that. Joan wonders what Friedman's doing here. Other than flailing around awkwardly, I guess she means. He replies, "Musical theatre? It's the straight man's paradise." Joan: "Gross."
Johnny Broadway calls a halt and says, "Good. But I need passion, people. This is a love story. Danny…is a zombie. Suzy…offers her brain to Danny, so they can be zombies together forever." So it's a trenchant feminist commentary, with a Rocky Horror-esque edge? All righty. Suzy, by the way, is Elizabeth "Attention Whore" Goetzman. Oy. Johnny Broadway exhorts them, "Dial into the richness of it! Show me how undead you can be? Carlos!" Carlos is the pianist, apparently. He's wearing a brown t-shirt that says "Dreams Do Come True," which isn't as cheesy as it sounds, with what looks like line art of a yellow RV on it. ["I think you can get a similar shirt here." -- Sars] Joan interrupts, "Excuse me, Mr. Broadway…" He replies cheerfully, "Miss Tardy. Yes?" She looks troubled: "You're just adding a chorus right now? Aren't the performances this weekend?" Johnny Broadway asks, "Who can fill her in on what we're doing here?" Elizabeth snots, "Oh, we're staying open to the creative process." Johnny Broadway echoes her immediately: "We're staying open to the creative process. Let's see how well these zombies can sing!" He tosses his sweater at the pianist, and says, "Carlito!" "Carlito" informs Johnny Broadway that it's Carl. Johnny Broadway just ignores him and starts counting for him to play, as the students sing along, "He'll be yours forever / If you let him eat your bra-a-a-a-in!" Joan and Friedman struggle to keep up.
Glynis, Luke, and Grace (wearing her tiger t-shirt) are working on a physics project together. Well, actually, Glynis and Luke are having a grand old time getting their geek on, and Grace is struggling to contain her feelings of exclusion and jealousy, to say nothing of her tendencies toward homicide. Glynis and Luke blither on about chaos and fractals, ignoring Grace, until she snaps, "Could we just speak English for a second here?" Luke: "Sorry, we were just -- " Grace: "I know." Glynis: "Feel free to jump in." It sounds like the empty offer it is. As Grace gets up to leave, she says, "I don't think so. Shouldn't have agreed to do a lab with you two, anyway. It'll just screw up my C average." Luke asks her to reconsider: "Friedman ditched us to be in the musical." Glynis pipes up: "Ditching. Seems to happen to me a lot." Oh, God. Get over it, already. Could you just actually move on, as you've claimed to have done? Or shut it? Either is good. Grace sneers, "Yeah, right. That's it. Later." Glynis: "No, please: you can recalculate the differential analysis of the six remaining fractals all by yourself." Grace: "I'd love to…I just gotta go…jab a railroad spike into my head." Luke: "Grace, you can't leave; we have to go over Civics." As she walks out the door, Grace sums it up for him quite nicely: "Power, corruption, revolution. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm sure you two can handle it." Ha! Luke stares at the doorway as Glynis chirps, "Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke…" The second he turns his head toward her she launches back into her geek blather.
As Joan and Adam (wearing a camo hoodie) emerge from a classroom arm-in-arm, she shows him the poster for the auditions. "For the Love of Zombies?" Joan says it's actually Zombies in Love: "The director keeps changing the title. Probably because he's mental." Adam reminds her they have midterms coming up, and wonders how she'll have time for this. Joan says her college counsellor is stoked because she'll have another extracurricular. Good golly. One thing this girl is not short on is extracurriculars. What she should work on is getting her grades out of the crapper. Adam says his extracurriculars suck, being nonexistent and all. Joan: "I think you'd make a cute zombie." Adam swings her hand and says semi-sarcastically, "Aw, go on." They agree to meet after rehearsal.
Will's on the sofa reading when Helen comes home. He's surprised to see her; he thought she had classes all day. Helen: "Well, they give us lunch. It's a new union rule." She thought he was going to a movie, but he said he wasn't in the mood. He tells her their lawyer called and the Bakers have a court date -- and it turns out they've got a tough judge, too. Helen finally notices the book Will put aside when she came in: "My catechism book?" Will looks sheepish: "I feel like I just got caught with porn." Hee! Helen smiles a sort of hopeful smile, prompting Will to say, "Don't, Helen. Don't read anything into this." Helen: "When you told me you were taking sick day, you never really said why." He said he told her they were going to expire. Helen knows that, but she obviously didn't buy it. He says he just had to get away: "'Cause my, um…job…has been, uh, ugly. But then here, we get hit with this lawsuit. So…I guess the truth is we can never get away from things, can we?" Helen doesn't know. Will: "I was just hoping for one moment when things make sense. Where people weren't cruel for no reason. Where they don't die for no reason. Just a moment of decency." Helen doesn't say anything, because really, what could she say? Will: "Yeah. Stupid, huh?" Helen gestures to offer the catechism book back, but he declines, saying there's a game on.
The cast is rehearsing. "I don't care, it's all the same / I just want to eat some brains!" Johnny Broadway, watching from the seats, groans and waves his hands, telling them to stop. He stands up and says, "Three words, people: Audience in five days." Friedman, of course, is on the verge of telling Johnny Broadway that it's four words, although it seemed like he had to count on his fingers to be sure, but Joan slaps her hand over his mouth saying, "Can it. I want to get out of here." Johnny Broadway gestures to the pianist, saying, "Carly Simon, from the top!" Johnny Broadway wants to hear it at the back of the room. The cast starts again and Johnny Broadway gyrates down the aisle backward, past where Adam is sitting and sketching while he waits for Joan. He looks at Johnny Broadway, taking in his exuberant physical gestures with a slightly puzzled look. Johnny Broadway is suddenly distracted by what Adam's sketching, which is a graveyard scene with lots of skulls in it and bodies climbing out of graves. Johnny Broadway's all excited, saying it's perfect for the finale: "Can you build it?" Adam: "You want me to, like, build a set by this weekend?" Johnny Broadway politely calls a halt to the rehearsal and asks Adam, "Why not?" Adam struggles with which of the fifty reasons why not to state first, as Johnny Broadway says, "Simple. Stylized. Inspired. You'll have the crew, and anything you need. Up to $300. Thank you. Carlissimo!" He walks off as Joan, who's been hanging about nearby, runs over, gleeful: "You're going to do the sets? That's so perfect!" In the background you see Johnny Broadway bolting toward Carl, telling him they need a song about the moon, and Carl trying to grab his stuff and get out of there. Adam protests that he doesn't know how to build a set. Joan: "Just use your hammer and stuff." Adam shrugs, overwhelmed by both the task and the fact that no one else seems to find it as such. Joan says it would be an extracurricular: "I so knew this play was about more than just me. It was so meant to be!" Adam, still looking doubtful, leans forward to kiss her. He sighs as he puts his hands behind his head: "Oh, man." Man, Amber Tamblyn's hair's gotten a lot redder. I like the colour a lot, but I think I like her hair best when it's a really rich brown with a bit of red in it. I'm thinking of maybe finally colouring my hair, in honour of my fortieth birthday month. It seems like a good time to do something I've always been scared of, or something I've always wanted to do, or both. It's either that, or go parachuting. And if you don't think those are on a par, you have no idea how afraid I've been to colour my hair. I've never done it, even though I've always wanted to, and my hairstylist has been trying to talk me into it for ten years. She's even offered to do it for free herself, though she's not the salon's colourist. I dunno. I think I need God to come along and give me a pep talk about risk. Frankly, I'm leaning toward parachuting. Or maybe I should go swimming with dolphins. I would love to do that. Y'all can vote in the poll on this page and let me know what you think. Frankly, I'll be lucky if I just get my driver's license before I turn forty.
Kevin comes out of a courtroom at the courthouse and is surprised to run into Andy. Kevin says he's not talking to him. Andy says he's dropping the suit, and his parents are pissed, but without his cooperation, they've got no case, so it's over. He adds that he left home and is staying at the Y. Okay, but in Arcadia? Four hours from where he lived? Where he only knows the Girardis, presumably? Seems like an odd choice. Kevin doesn't believe him. He starts to wheel off as Andy says, "I was in the middle of my deposition, Kev, and I remembered." Kevin turns around. Andy: "When the car spun out…and I realized that, uh, I'm driving this one, too. Only this time I can stop it. So I am. I'm just stopping it." Kevin, looking extremely skeptical, comments, "That's beautiful. But see, I don't believe a word you're saying. And it's probably just another way to jack us for money. Just stay out of our lives, dude." He wheels off as Andy says, "Come on, Kev, you know me. You know I'm telling the truth, man." Kevin: "Not anymore."
Why do the soundtrack music and voice-overs on these toilet cleaning product commercials sound like they're advertising monster truck rallies?
Dinner at the Girardis'. Will brings in a big plate of food and says he hopes everyone's hungry. As he pours some wine for Kevin, Joan remarks, "I love it when Dad's home. Maybe you should think about getting fired." Kevin: "Hey, what's with the vino on Wednesday night?" Joan: "Are we gonna become drunks now? That's so Osbournes." Helen says it's a celebration: "A little surprise." Will: "We are no longer being sued by Andy and his barely-human family." Joan and Luke exult while Kevin looks puzzled: "Wait, wait, are you sure about this?" As Will pours a thimbleful of wine for Joan and Luke, he tells Kevin that Kroner called, and the Bakers have signed a release. Joan regards her piddly ounce of wine, dismayed. Will: "Hey! How about a smile, Kev?" Kevin says it's great, but he's not doing a very good job of putting on the happy face. He takes off for the kitchen to get a glass of water. Joan snatches a gadget out of Luke's hands: "Luke! No text messaging at the table! That's twenty-first-century bad manners!" I figured he was sending the good news to Grace, but he says, "I'm in a bit of a situation." So I guess he's trying to mollify Grace. Or maybe Glynis has something particularly riveting to say about fractals. Joan: "Grace holding out on the sugar?" Because if there's one thing Grace is usually lavishing on people, it's sugar. Will wonders if they could have five minutes to celebrate the survival of their life savings. Joan: "I'm in." Kevin comes back and says he saw Andy today. Helen's surprised to find out he's in Arcadia. Kevin tells them what Andy said, and that he didn't believe him: "I guess he wants me to tell him everything's okay now." Will: "Almost ruining us? He wants a pass on that?" Kevin: "Don't worry, Dad. I told him to get lost." Helen wonders why Andy changed his mind. Will: "Are you feeling sorry for him now?" She says she's not, but that this seemed to come out of nowhere. Will just wants to be thankful that the whole mess is done with and enjoy the moment. Will proposes a toast, and everyone clinks glasses. Joan's toast is: "To drinking wine without getting grounded!" Luke's is: "To Joan being in a musical about zombies at school this weekend which you will videotape and use to humiliate her for the rest of her life." Kevin: "Yes! Humiliation." Helen: "Really?" Will: "A musical…what?" Luke whispers to Joan, "Should have let me text-message."
Adam and Joan are in his shed, looking at a miniature model of his set for the play. He thinks he might be getting in over his head. Joan: "Adam…you've been building things since you were teething. And you need to expand your portfolio. This is your chance." Adam thinks Johnny Broadway seems pretty much like "a loon." Joan: "Totally, but look at this, it's brilliant. I mean, how stoked are you to see this big, you know, with zombies walking all over it?" Adam thinks that would be pretty cool. He discusses how the headstones are going to light up, and demonstrates how they move and the graves open up like the dates on Advent calendars so the zombies can come out of them. He asks Joan to glue something together for him. She says, "You know, this is what it's gonna be like at college: us helping each other out." Spoken like someone who's clearly never been to college. She goes on, "We'll share a house with a group of very cool people, because of course, we'll be cool." Well, that part could well happen. But it'll be more like this: you'll share a [grotty, crowded, overpriced] house [in dire need of attention from the greedy, absentee landlord] [in a sketchy neighbourhood] with a group of very cool people [who also have no shortage of neuroses, hang-ups, personality disorders, disgusting habits, seriously weird family issues, alternately amazing and revolting taste in music/films/books, and crushes on/relationships/one-night stands with people you either can't stand or are secretly in love with yourself] because, of course, you'll be cool [as it's possible to be when you're homesick, overwhelmed, lonely, broke, hungry, and/or completely freaked out and confused]. Not that I would know anything about this. I'm just surmising. Adam's not really focused on Joan's college-daze dream: "Hey, what if the stage was blanketed in fog?" Joan thinks that's a good idea.
A quick cut to Adam demonstrating his model set to Johnny Broadway, Joan, and Friedman. Kudos to the hair people: Adam's hair looks just awesome in this scene. I think the layers on top were cut a little shorter and choppier, and that, combined with the judicious use of whatever product and some skilled styling, has resulted in his hair -- which has often been an iffy proposition -- looking better than I think it ever has throughout the series. He is just so cute here. So. Cute. Rock on, hair people. Also, I'm really impressed that he put this model together basically in one evening. But more with the hair. Anyway, Friedman, about whose hair the less said, the better, wants to know how they fit under the stage to emerge from the graves: "Not that I'm complaining or anything." Adam points out that that part is raised: "Now check out the lighting." All the little graves light up, outlined in tiny blue lights. Johnny Broadway: "I'm getting chills, here." Joan beams. Elizabeth, on stage with the rest of the cast and wearing a giant red skirt that looks like a crinoline, interrupts to ask, "Excuse me, do you think that maybe we could rehearse the show at some point…since…my aunt is driving in from Indiana…" Johnny Broadway replies, "Elizabeth, this isn't about your aunt…this is about the process!" He suddenly shouts the last word and bangs the table, causing Joan and Adam to jump. Elizabeth whines, "Well, how come you keep changing the show four days before we open? I mean, this is not how I worked in Godspell." She crosses her arms. Adam tactfully suggests, "You know, I was thinking that Elizabeth would rise up on this moon thing, and she's the queen of the zombie prom, or…" Elizabeth agrees: "Okay, well, that needs to happen." Joan makes a bit of an exasperated face that Elizabeth can't see. Johnny Broadway: "You see this, people? Inspiration doesn't follow a schedule." He puts his arm around Adam, who looks uncomfortable. "When it shows up, you better follow it! Otherwise, who are the zombies?" Friedman bellows: "We are!" Everyone looks at him. And proceeds to ignore him. Johnny Broadway tells Adam to find the "tool belt people" and get building. He tells everyone else to get back to rehearsal. Joan leans toward Adam, smiling: "Congratulations." Johnny Broadway leans back in to whisper, "I'm missing a zombie." Joan heads for the stage.
Kevin wheels through some crunchy ice and slush to find Andy shooting hoops by himself outside. Andy wonders how Kevin found him. Kevin says he's an investigative reporter: "And you said you were staying at the Y." Andy: "So what do you want?" Kevin first says he doesn't know, and then says he does: "I want to say, uh…thanks." Andy: "For being a bastard?" Kevin: "No, not for that part. That part is, uh, yours to live with…like I have to live with this." He indicates his wheelchair. As Andy's about to shoot the ball again, Kevin says, "Man…why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me? This happened to both of us." Andy doesn't know; he was waiting for the right time: "And then it was too late." He shoots the ball, and Kevin catches it when it bounces back. He fires it to Andy, who holds it for a moment, slaps it, and then passes it back to Kevin. Andy: "Shoot." And he does, and gets it in the basket. As "I Shall Be Released" starts playing, Andy tells him he's still got game. They keep playing and are laughing together already. Me: "Aw. Sports fix everything." Frink just shrugs. Seriously, Kevin must really want to patch things up with Andy badly to get past this so easily.
Adam stands on the stage, chewing his little finger pensively, as lots of set-building activity goes on around him. Joan comes in as he's playing with a headstone: "Oh, my God." Adam smiles: "It's better than the model, huh?" Joan admires Elizabeth's moon and the "freaky trees." Adam suddenly decides the branches need to be higher and runs off for a ladder, but stops to tell Joan, "You know, I was talking to some crew guys about schools. We totally forgot about Canada." Yeah, that happens a lot. We're only the second-largest country on the planet, but whatever. Frink makes a Joan of Ajax joke that only southern Ontarians are going to get. Joan: "That's colder than Vermont. Plus the money's way different." Sure, but it's not like we use beads and shells, for gosh sake. Anyway, wouldn't they have to pay foreign student rates? Even with the favourable exchange rate, it would probably be quite expensive for them. As far as the cold goes, well, I got nothing. It was at least -21 degrees Celsius last night; -29 with the windchill. (That's -5.8 and -20.2 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively.) I'm wearing so many layers of clothing I can barely get undressed in time when I have to pee. I'm thinking of looking into a catheter. Anyway, Adam says he'll keep thinking. Joan says she will too.
As she leaves the auditorium, she runs into Female Custodian God, cleaning a display case in the hallway. "Pretty nifty set, huh, Joan?" Joan: "Ha! Not even God can bring back the word 'nifty.'" Female Custodian God: "Don't tempt me." Please, please don't tempt her. That word bugs. Joan wants confirmation that this assignment is meant to be about Adam building sets so they can be together in college: "I mean, I know it's never that direct, but it's sort of about that, right?" Female Custodian God: "Right. It's never that direct. One action always has a chorus of consequences." Some zombies emerge from the auditorium, still in character. You can also hear Johnny Broadway hollering in the background. File that away, would you? I'll come back to it. Joan: "Okay. So it's about more than me and Adam." Female Custodian God: "Hard to believe, I know. Don't you just love the theatre? People finding joy in creating whole new worlds? I couldn't keep that one to myself." Joan wants to get back to her: "This 'chorus of consequences' -- can I have a few details? Because I'm trying to stay on track." Female Custodian God swipes Joan's hand away from the glass she's just cleaned that Joan's decided to lean on, and tells her, "You're on track. Just stay open. You'll know your moment when it comes."
Joan's sitting in the auditorium watching rehearsal. Adam's sitting in another row taking notes and sketching. Johnny Broadway is watching, too, hands on his hips, bouncing along to the dance number. He seems a little manic, but engagingly so. I don't know what it is, because he is the kind of character who normally makes me grind my teeth down to the gums, but I find him incredibly likeable. I'm going to attribute that to the actor, Mike Damus. Well done, my friend. Grace comes in and sits down behind Joan, and leans forward, asking, "So, your freak show brother and Glynis…what were they like together?" She doesn't remember? I guess she wasn't paying any attention. Joan: "I'm kind of in the middle of something here." Grace persists: "Because, before, I could make myself miserable all on my own. Now they make miserable. I have a problem with that." Joan: "You're not gonna stop, are you?" Grace: "Every time he and Glynis talk science, it's like, he -- he -- he -- he acts like…Captain Kirk getting it on with a hot alien." Joan: "That is gross on so many levels." Grace sits back in her chair, annoyed: "Tell me about it! Nothing makes sense, dude." She leans forward again: "The inside of my head is like some gross stew the cafeteria wouldn't even serve." Joan explains blithely, "You're jealous! It happens to everybody. Othello, the green-eyed monster. Remember?" Grace: "Yeah, well, I hate it. It's like I'm a girl." Ha! The current musical number concludes and Johnny Broadway claps, and tells them it's fantastic. He asks, "Are we all thrilled?" The cast members shout their agreement. Grace bitches to Joan, "I think this sucks!" Everyone hears her. Johnny Broadway turns: "Excuse me?" Joan laughs a fake little laugh and says Grace is kidding. But Grace is hardly ever kidding: "Well…you got a girl up there singing about how she wants her boyfriend to eat her brains. Not in my world." Johnny Broadway asks, "What happens in your world?" Grace: "I'm not trying to rewrite your show, dude." Johnny Broadway: "No, please…go ahead!" He's not being sarcastic. He looks around at the cast, who all look troubled. Carl, the pianist, openly moans, "Oh, God…" Elizabeth looks anxious.
Grace: "Well, the zombies represent the oppressed, right? So they should rise up and demand equal rights from the living." Johnny Broadway: "A zombie rebellion?" Carl's head drops dramatically. Grace: "Totally! And if Suzy there really did have a brain, she'd join with the people who needed her as they defeat the forces of tyranny. Now that would be something to sing about." Elizabeth makes some small effort to conceal her opinion of this idea. Everyone waits nervously but no one says anything. I expected a huge outcry given how close they are to opening night, but I guess Johnny Broadway's got them well-trained to stay open to the process. Everyone just waits for his reaction as he considers Grace's idea. Finally he says, "It's brilliant. Let's do it. 'Zombie Uprising.' There's your song title." He rips up some papers that were in front of him. Poor Carl bangs his head on the keyboard. Grace, not satisfied with the havoc she's already wreaked, muses, "Of course, you need a new queen…" Elizabeth's all over that, naturally: "Why? I'm the queen." Grace: "Eh, prom queen. You need a real queen of the zombies who will rise up and lead the revolution!" Johnny Broadway's all over that: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" He points at Joan: "You!" Joan: "Me?" Johnny Broadway: "Yes!" Joan: "No!" They go back and forth and he declares that she's perfect. He puts his hands on the side of his head as he exults: "She's gonna rise up from the moon at the end, and sing to her subjects about justice." He doubles over and bounces back up in glee. I cannot believe Elizabeth isn't throwing the world's largest snitfit. Friedman announces, "Ooh, I want to be the military!" Adam suggests, "Dude, you could fly in on a chopper!" Joan: "Wait! What just happened?" Elizabeth: "My aunt is driving in from Indiana!" She says it with a tight, pleading smile. Joan argues that Elizabeth should definitely be the queen. Johnny Broadway orders everyone to take five. He tells Adam, "You: Choppers. Run with it!" Smiling in Carl's direction, he says, "Carmel, sweetie…don't you feel a new song coming on?" Carl just rubs his forehead. Carl is awesome. What a great bit part. He's got almost no lines but he's done so much with his small role. As everyone scurries around to regroup, Joan crabs at Grace, "What did you just do?" Grace says, "I am still upset about the election." Heh. I think she means the Arcadia High student council election, but maybe she means the other one. As Adam's running out, Johnny Broadway asks if the moon can rise from the depths of the earth. Adam thinks for a moment and then says it can. Joan sits there shaking her head and looking freaked out as Johnny Broadway gloats about the moon in the background.
Grace is shoving her knapsack into her locker when a grim-faced Glynis walks up to her: "What is your problem, Polk?" Hee. "Polk." Grace is instantly in Sipowicz mode: "What was that?" Glynis, who's about a head taller than Grace, doesn't back down: "How about you just get over yourself, okay? Everybody knows Luke adores you. I'm willing to work with you. And if anyone should have a problem here, it's me. So you sulking and refusing to talk to Luke is just arrogance! Either that, or you actually believe that anything could happen between me and Luke, which couldn't be further from the truth -- no matter how much I might fantasize. So why don't you do everyone a favour and take the giant stick out of your butt?" Whoa. Grace: "You are way more intense than I ever knew." Glynis hands her a piece of paper: "Here are the formulas you can work on if you can successfully remove that stick." As Glynis walks away, Grace asks, "Did he tell you to do this?" Oops, wrong question. Glynis turns around and sneers, "You think I'd involve him in our business? Have some respect for me as a woman!" Whoa, again. Grace turns around, smiling to herself, even though Glynis just tore a strip off her. Forget Rocket Boy. Now she wants Glynis.
Will's in the den sorting through files about the Baker lawsuit at home when Kevin comes in: "You really know how to take a vacation." Will says he wants to put all this stuff away: "I don't want it near us anymore." God, I want that desk. Kevin tells him he saw Andy again. Will threatens to get a "damn restraining order." Kevin explains he went to see Andy at the Y: "His parents kicked him out." Will says that's not Kevin's problem. Kevin: "You know, he pulled the plug on all this. He did the right thing." Will: "What about all he's been doing this past year? Stay away from him, Kevin. You can't trust someone like him, ever!" Kevin says there's more between them than just the accident and all its fallout. Will: "No, there isn't. Not anymore. I've been around people like this my whole career. All you have is family. Family is all you can rely on." Kevin: "Doesn't that make the world pretty small?" Will agrees: "Yeah. It does." He sighs. Kevin looks sad and thoughtful.
Joan walks out of the school, carrying what I presume is her new costume. She doesn't look too happy. She tries to go out a locked door. Female Custodian God comes around the corner and sees her struggling with it: "Don't be frustrated, Joan." Joan: "Why not? Things are a little bit out of control, don't you think?" Female Custodian God acknowledges it must seem that way to Joan, but from her viewpoint, everything's perfect. Joan: "Have you seen Johnny Broadway? He's insane. Every day it's something new. It's chaos!" Female Custodian God smiles and nods. "You wanted me to join the chorus, so I did. But now I have a solo. I don't even want a solo! This is not what I signed up for!" Female Custodian God knows: "Just when you get comfortable…bingo! A new surprise." Joan tells her she sounds like Johnny Broadway: "Look, I was just trying to do the right thing. I was. But everything just seems so random." Female Custodian God: "And you wanna know what it all means." Hasn't Joan learned yet that she's not going to get a satisfying answer directly from God? Joan: "Yes. Thank you. I do." Female Custodian God tells her to learn the song. Joan: "That's it?" Female Custodian God: "Of course not. I'm a kind and benevolent God, remember?" She offers to open the door for Joan, and tells her to stand back. She goes through an exaggerated routine of rubbing her hands and shaking herself around and then opening the door. Joan: "So now you do magic?" Female Custodian God jangles some keys at her: "Nah. Just having a little fun. Best way to open doors." Not sure what all that was about.
Johnny Broadway has jazzed up his black clothes with a bright red jacket for opening night. He comes bounding down a spiral staircase and encounters Friedman in camo gear, with a big plastic gun, rehearsing his lines: "Eat lead, zombies! Eat lead, zombies!" Johnny Broadway tells Adam, "Loving the trees!" Adam's setting up a large board featuring the periodical table on an easel. A student in a blond wig and white lab coat seems ever so slightly Lischak-esque. I'm starting to miss her. We haven't actually seen her since the third episode this season, have we? She's been mentioned a lot and there have been scenes in the science classroom, but I don't think we've actually seen her. Did she get a role on another show or something? Carl approaches Joan, whose hair is pulled back and who's all made up with white face paint, and it turns out he's about six and a half feet tall. Or maybe Joan's only four feet or something, but either way, he towers over her. He asks if she'd like to run her song with him. Joan frets, "I'm totally going to forget the words." She's wearing a sheer white dress with a high neck and long sleeves, and a sparkly red belt. Elizabeth, wearing a very pink off-the-shoulder dress and very bouffant hairdo and sitting nearby in front of a mirror, says, "You have to visualize it…written in the lights." She looks up at the ceiling to emphasize her point. "So, instead of looking at the audience, you pretend that you're reading it, up there. Like it was written just for you. Because it is the best song." Joan insists, "Elizabeth, I didn't want this." Elizabeth says it's okay: "My therapist says that with a voice like mine, I need to work on humility." Oy. She takes Joan's hands and says, "Break a leg. That's just a saying." Joan: "Mm-hmm."
Outside the auditorium, Grace is walking along looking at posters for the play in a display case. The play has been renamed for the final time: Zombies Arise! She looks around when she hears Luke's voice saying, "Joan in a zombie costume. Dreams can come true." Just like Carl's shirt promised. He's talking to Glynis, who says, "I wanted to be a zombie for Hallowe'en once. My mom made me go as the Little Mermaid." She gestures with her chin at Grace, who's come over to stand behind Luke. Grace: "Mm, typical. From the undead to an objectified corporate icon." Luke: "Grace." She says, "Correct." She hands a paper to Glynis: "Uh, did the formulas." Glynis primly attempts to make conversation, if by "make conversation" you mean someone busts out with this: "Did you ever participate in the commercialization of the former pagan ritual?" Grace: "Figliola, way to get radical." Luke looks back and forth between them: "What? Does this mean…?" Grace: "Don't push it, dude. It's an organic process." She walks away. Glynis: "Yeah. Dude." They all head for their seats. Frink: "Now he's thinking, 'Threesome!'"
Johnny Broadway calls everyone together backstage: "All right, kids. Circle the wagons! Circle the wagons!" Adam tells Joan her moon's ready. Joan: "Your set's really awesome!" It seems like they want to kiss, but Joan's wearing too much carefully applied makeup to risk messing it up, so they just rub noses instead, which is…weird. Sorta cute, but more weird. Johnny Broadway keeps yelling at them to circle the wagons. I don't think that's really the cliché he's looking for, but whatever. Once he's got their attention, he lapses into one-word sentences: "Okay. Trust. Spontaneity. Love. Vo o-o-o-l-u-u-u-u-ume…! What else is there?" He raises his hands: "Carpe show-em!" The cast members all raise their hands and echo his cry.
Will and Helen take their seats as Will admonishes his wife, "Remember, it's just a school play. No crying." Helen: "It was one time. And she was dressed like a daisy. I couldn't help it." Elsewhere, Luke is sitting between Glynis and Grace and wielding the video camera. The curtain rises, and Elizabeth and the guy playing the prom king push open the doors of a large funky coffin-shaped doorway and begin singing a song about their impending graduation and promising to love each other. One of the trees falls over, and the audience laughs while Adam puts it back into place.
Backstage, Johnny Broadway's exhorting a couple of zombies to get onstage. Joan's quietly rehearsing her song to herself when suddenly she's startled by a pair of booted feet dangling above her head; it's Friedman, suspended from some kind of harness. He directs the guy working the pulley to move him up, not down, but instead he goes flying onto the stage and crashes into Elizabeth, who's singing away in her duet with the prom king. The audience starts laughing. Furious, Elizabeth pushes Friedman hard. Will tells Helen, "Maybe I'll cry this time." Someone offscreen -- I think it's Johnny Broadway -- hisses: "Get off the stage!" Friedman announces, "I'm looking for my unit!" Which, of course, gets big laughs at my house, because we're nine. Friedman looks to his right and says, "There they are. I found them." He runs off.
Joan runs up to Johnny Broadway: "Do something!" He's giddy: "I don't have to! They're loving it!" She marches over to Adam to complain about Johnny Broadway: "He's psycho!" Friedman comes rushing backstage at the pulley guy: "You are an inexperienced buffoon, Tuffy!" "Tuffy"? And I guess Friedman's the experienced buffoon who would know the difference. Elizabeth comes running backstage and punches Friedman in the face. Love it. Let's stay open to that process.
Onstage, lots of zombies are doing a rock-y number called "Bad Science." Helen and Will seem to be rather enjoying it. Shot of Johnny Broadway mimicking the routine backstage. As the number ends, another piece of the set is knocked down.
Backstage, Joan has her wig on now, and it's quite an affair: a long mess of curls with a big ratty crown. The blue lights around the headstones suddenly start flickering and buzzing alarmingly and Johnny Broadway bounces up and down, calling for Adam, who doesn't know what the problem is. Adam pulls his hood up and sneaks out behind the set to try to fix the problem as another number starts up. Crawling through the swirling fog, he tightens a connection and everything seems to be okay. As he starts to crawl back, the sparking and flickering gets worse and suddenly a small electrical fire breaks out. Johnny Broadway is concerned but relatively calm; Adam starts to freak but runs and grabs a latex mask, which he puts on his head, and a fire extinguisher, and crawls toward the fire. Johnny Broadway hangs by the side of the stage, happily gyrating along with the dance routine, as Adam stumbles between bits of the set to put out the fire. The cast is startled and then begins to choke on the spray from the extinguisher which Adam's spewing all over. Joan watches with horror, begging Johnny Broadway, "Stop this!" He smiles: "And miss what happens ?" She completely doesn't get him. The stage breaks into further chaos, as a couple of zombies hit the deck and Friedman -- and his unit -- get lowered from the ceiling, most of them landing hard, or hanging upside down a few inches short of the floor. Joan's mouth is wide open. The audience seems to be enjoying it all, however. Johnny Broadway tells a stagehand, "Cue the rise of the Queen." Joan asks him, "Are you crazy? Everything's falling apart!" He suddenly ducks down and says to Joan, "Come on."
As they crawl behind the set, he says, "I know it all seems so random to you, but you want to know what it all means, don't you?" Joan finally twigs, and grabs his arm: "Johnny Godway?" He smiles: "I can still surprise you." Hee! Awesome. I have been waiting since the pilot for God to pull this on Joan -- the delayed reveal. Thirty-six episodes later, I finally get it. I thought when we first saw Johnny Broadway that it was God; then I decided it wasn't. Somewhere along the line, I started to think he was again -- probably during one of his pro-chaos declarations -- but since the show's never done the delayed reveal, I dismissed it. As soon as he said, "And miss what happens ?" I knew it had to be him. And remember when I pointed out that Joan was talking to Female Custodian God and you could hear Johnny Broadway in the background? That was a nice little nod to God's superpowers. The only other time I think we've seen God in more than one place/avatar at once was in Joan's hospital room in "Desolation." But I'm kind of bummed that Johnny Broadway/Godway isn't a real teacher, or even a real guest musical director, because it was so nice for there to be someone working at Arcadia High -- other than Helen -- whose primary attitude toward the students wasn't one of contempt and/or irritation. Well, I suppose Lischak's also reasonably supportive and encouraging, but there's so much vamping that comes along with it that it makes me slightly nervous. Anyway. Joan sighs as she crawls and he says, "Aw, it's cute. Come on, come on, Joan." He helps her into the moon-swing and tells her, "This is your moment. Go with it." And then crawls away.
Onstage, things are going from bad to worse. Pleased, Grace growls to Luke, "Anarchy lives." Friedman suddenly shouts, "Stop!" Pointing up, he asks, "Who is that magical creature?" We see Joan rising on a large, funky, glittery crescent moon. In a lovely, strong, confident voice, she sings, "Stop your fighting / End this war / Look upon your friends / Don't you know the reason why / You called us back again…" Will looks like he might get sniffly. "The night is long / And getting longer / There's darkness from above…" Adam watches from backstage, the latex mask pushed up on his head and his mouth slightly open. He's clearly dumsquizzled by Joan's talent. "And hate is strong / But love is stronger / We are alive as long as we love / For every moon must have its shadow / Every noon its night…" Luke is so taken aback by Joan's moving performance, I figure it's all he can do to hold the camera straight. "When will you realize? / We are your children / Won't you let us share your light? / We are your children / Won't you let us share your light?" Unasked, Helen hands Will a tissue. The chorus sings, "We are your children," and Joan finishes with, "Let us share your light!" Then everything goes haywire again as the moon comes crashing down, and Joan is grabbed by a couple of zombies who escort her toward the front of the stage where the rest of the cast has begun its dance number. Johnny Godway and Adam pat each other's arms, and Joan sings along with the chorus: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust / When will you see we're made of the same stuff? / We are not flesh, we are not blood / Why can't you see / We are love / We are love / Let us share your light / Let us share your light!" Everyone raises their hands and poses for the big finale as another piece of the set comes crashing down. The audience applauds enthusiastically. She really did do a nice job, and for all the doubters: by all accounts that was definitely Amber Tamblyn singing. Don't hate her because she's multitalented.
Backstage, Joan calls to Adam but he doesn't seem to be around. When Elizabeth sees Joan, though, she rushes over to her: "Joanie! Joanie! You were…oh, come here!" She hugs her tightly and rushes off. Johnny Godway turns to Joan and says, "Carl told me he never thought he could write a song that beautiful. Even I got a little tear." Carl stands there grinning from ear to ear: "You made it wonderful. Thank you." When Carl walks off, Joan complains to Johnny Godway, "But it was a total disaster." Oh, Joan. When did you get to be so Type A? You'll drive yourself into an early grave. Trust me, I know. Johnny Godway: "Nothing of value comes without a little struggle. Some of the most beautiful flowers in the world only grow after a forest fire. Literally out of the ashes, they blanket the ground with colour." Joan: "Yeah, but you could make that happen without the fire. People would like you more." Johnny Godway shakes his head slightly: "They'd just find something else to blame me for. You can't control everything, Joan. Turmoil. Conflict. Chaos. This is part of life. Look at any playground: the screaming, the laughter, the tears." The wedgies. "Out of that mayhem comes relationships, and love, and the simple joy of being surprised by life." And the occasional trip to the emergency room. Joan half-laughs, half-sighs: "So more surprises?" Johnny Godway: "Oh, yeah. There's always more surprises."
Adam comes rushing over at this point: "Jane! Hey! It was all falling apart --" Joan: "I know, I saw it!" He continues, "And then it was burning, and then you know, it got foggy, but then when, you know, you sang that song…Jane, that amazing song…" He takes her face in his hands and kisses her. "You know what would be the perfect school for us? North Carolina School of the Arts. Okay? You can sing, and I'll do art…" Joan has a look of trepidation on her face. Adam: "What?" Joan doesn't know if she wants to sing. Adam: "Oh. Okay…" Joan: "I mean, you know, if you wanna go there…" Adam: "No, no, no, no, no, no. We're picking a place together." Joan: "Adam: are you really gonna be happy if you don't go where you want because of me?" He doesn't know what to say because he knows she's right. She adds, "We want to control this because we love each other but that's exactly why we shouldn't." Adam looks sad: "But if we go to separate places…" Joan: "I know, we won't know how things turn out." You wouldn't anyway. "Just like tonight, but…tonight turned out to be pretty amazing. I want that for you; don't you want that for me?" Adam: "Yeah…it's scary." Joan: "I know. You know I could never get into Berkeley…and California is just…way too Beach Boys for me." Adam, not ready to let the dream die, says softly, "You might like it." Joan says she'll visit. She might be strong enough for this, but I wonder if Adam is.
The Girardis (minus Kevin) are all having a post-play snack in the kitchen. Joan: "Weren't Adam's sets amazing…when they weren't falling down?" Helen: "They were magnificent…because he has such a good teacher." Will: "Halfway through I thought they should have had paramedics standing by." Luke says it was like watching Fear Factor. Joan smiles: "And I was losing!" Will: "No. You didn't lose." Joan and Helen and Luke look at each other but say nothing. Will continues: "I took some time off this week, you know, to try and clear my head." He sighs. "Because I was starting to think…nothing was gonna feel right again." The other three look slightly sad. "But seeing you…up there…I don't know…when that light hit you, and everything else disappeared…I started to believe again. I don't know what I'm saying. It was just…thank you." He takes Joan's hand and kisses it just as Kevin arrives home. Joan smiles warmly at her dad. Luke says to Kevin, "Dude…you missed, like, the greatest show on earth." Kevin apologizes: "I'm sorry, I tried…" Helen asks where he was. Will: "You should have seen Joan!" Kevin: "Uh, things came up…I lost track of time…" Helen puts a bowl in front of him for some ice cream. Will: "Andy?" Kevin seems nervous, but admits: "I called…to see how he was doing, and…we went out to talk…I mean, I know he screwed up, but…" Will: "He still at the Y?" Kevin says he is. Will: "You should, um, have him stay here." Helen looks at Will, surprised. So do Luke and Joan, who stops her spoon halfway to her mouth. Will: "It'll be more comfortable, you know, until he figures out what he's going to do." Kevin makes an "are you serious?" gesture with his hands, and Joan smiles at him. Kevin smiles in his father's directed, pleased and puzzled. Will breaks the tension by saying, "Hey, have some ice cream, before I eat it all." I don't think there's much danger in this family of any one person hogging all the ice cream. Kevin just keeps looking at his father, wondering what changed. Luke: "Kev, the whole set imploded." Kevin: "What do you mean?" Helen: "And Friedman dropped from the sky and clocked Elizabeth Goetzman." Joan's gotten up and walked around the table; standing behind her father, she hugs him and whispers something in his ear and then kisses his cheek. I think she says, "I love you, Papa." The other family members regale Kevin with tales of the musical's many mishaps as "I Shall Be Released" plays. "I see my light come shining / From the west unto the east / Any day now, any day now / I shall be released."