Adam finds Joan at her locker. He has a little trouble getting her attention; Joan explains, "My mom burned a hole in my ear lecturing me about college." Adam wants to know what time to pick her up tomorrow for the field trip to Dawson State. ["Cute." -- Sars] Joan needs to be reminded of why they're going there. Adam explains that their guidance counsellor told him state schools offer more financial aid and advised him to use it as leverage for the Ivy League schools he wants to get into. Joan doesn't see the point in her going: her grades are crap so far this year, and the work is only getting harder. She shows Adam an Astrobrite yellow flyer advertising a seminar called "Hidden Rainbows / Alternatives to Higher Learning" offered by Mr. Dana Tuchman, the counsellor. She thinks it looks cool, and Tuchman said she was perfect for it. Adam: "No, this is the Slacker Symposium!" Joan: "No, don't say that! It could be interesting. Look, we'll still be together. I'll figure out a way to be wherever you are, just not in college. It's not for me. Why can't people accept that?" Adam says he accepts it, but thinks she's selling herself short. Well, I agree she has potential, but then…let's not forget that the girl sprained her ankle in a washing machine. We're not dealing with R. Buckminster Fuller here. Joan reminds him that he's an artist: "You of all people should understand that there are other ways of being happy and whole and creative outside of conventional education, right?" Adam: "I guess…" Joan claims to be really excited: "I just feel all these exciting new horizons unfolding." She opens the door to Tuchman's seminar and is hit in the head a couple of times with wads of paper being tossed around by the roomful of slackers, losers, and other underachievers. Adam: "Good luck, Jane." He takes off. Joan notices Goth God waving to her. He pats the empty chair to him. She sits down and claims, "I always knew God was an underachiever." Theme song.
The galoot in front of Joan turns around and stuffs some snack food into his piehole, leering at Joan as he licks his fingers. Professor Frink: "Dude, you're hitting on God's girl." Tuchman comes in, and it's the first time we've seen him. He's sort of a Poor Man's James Spader (tm Gustave). He greets them: "Good morning, dregs of society! I will be your guide to the narrow alleyways of alternative achievement. If anyone understands what that means -- it's an Ivy League educated man who works for the public school system." What is with the attitude of the staff at Arcadia High School? PMJS seems like he's been sucking at the snotty teat of Price's negativity and arrogance. Aren't there any sincere, earnest, supportive, die-hard, go-kids-go staff members at AHS? I mean, apart from Helen, I guess? PMJS goes on to say that brings him to lesson number one: "Don't be bitter." I'll bet lesson number two is "do as I say and not as I do." Joan whispers to Goth God to ask why he's there. He replies, "It's a guidance session. I'm all about guidance." Joan gripes, "Maybe if you were a little more specific." Goth God: "Yeah, but you didn't like it when I told you what to do." Joan: "I like it less when you don't." Interesting. PMJS would like Joan to share her thoughts with the class. Joan laughs weakly and apologizes: "Sorry, we're -- we're just being…rude. Continue." PMJS carries on: "The point is, each of you is unique, and has hidden talents." Well, he gets points for not sticking an adverb in front of "unique" and for using the correct verbs. His attitude still sucks, though. "Some of them more hidden than others…sometimes one might say they're invisible. But up until now, you've been pumped full of dreams, most of which that [sic] aren't even your own." "Most of which that"? Yeesh. I'm taking those points back. Starting up his AV show, he displays a picture of a sunset and asks, "How about a few less dreams…and a few more…goals?" Not crazy about "few less" either, though it's become pretty common usage.
He shows a picture of a team scoring or something. "Because goals are attainable…and dreams are what happen when you eat cheese before you go to bed." Indeed. If you have not read Winsor McCay's sublime Dreams of the Rarebit Fiend, which contains some of the funniest and most wonderful drawings in the history of comic art, you must rush out right this minute and acquire it. Forget the recap. Go, now. It'll be here when you get back. And while you're at it, get a book that includes the Little Nemo in Slumberland, strips and you'll thank me for introducing you to some of the most beautiful comic art ever. Anyway, the kids are completely underwhelmed by all of this, so PMJS moves on to show them pictures of some people who didn't get four years of college. He inserts a picture of Shakespeare upside down. Heh. This elicits only the mildest titter from the nearly comatose audience. He mentions Charlie Chaplin, Rosa Parks, and Abraham Lincoln. How about Joan of Arc? No one's especially moved. PMJS: "People who changed the history of the world because of their unique and singular vision, and their belief in that vision, and not because of a diploma." Joan considers this, and then leans over to Goth God: "Hey, that's kind of true, isn't it? Guidance counselors can't lie, right?" He replies, "Guidance comes in many forms, Joan. It can point you in a lot of different directions. You have to develop a little bit of discernment." PMJS: "Okay, now you're just starting to piss me off." Goth God gets up and walks out as PMJS drones on about how the TV commercials for DeVry and like institutions aren't making up their success stories. Joan glances at the guy to her, who's busy digging for treasure. I suppose we should be grateful he's using a Kleenex.
As the students exit Slacker Symposium, I notice one of the girls is extremely pregnant. Interesting. I can't remember ever seeing a pregnant teenager on a show like this where it was just incidental. PMJS calls to Joan as he's hauling the AV cart out of the room: "I was surprised to see you with…that guy this morning." He wonders if she broke up with Adam. Joan says that guy was "someone else," and is surprised to realize that PMJS knows who she's seeing. Well, she's been hanging all over Adam all semester. PMJS has probably seen them. Also, Price knows about Joan and Adam, and school staff members do talk. I can't imagine the subject of Joan Girardi doesn't come up fairly frequently in the staff lounge, at least when Helen's not around. PMJS says the Guidance department knows everything. Not in my experience, it doesn't. He glances at the brochure Joan's carrying and says, "I'm psyched you're gravitating toward design." At least that's what the closed captioning says. To me it sounded more like "Looks like you're gravitating toward design." Joan claims, "Well, I like it. I like interior design and furniture and you know…drapes." She sighs. Honey, if your lamps are any indication, the only future you've got in interior design is going to resemble that of loony Trading Spaces alumna Dez Ryan. He starts lecturing her: "You can't think of this as a failure. You have to think of it as pragmatism. Hit me on my cell phone if you just want to talk." Is this usual now, guidance counselors giving their cell phone numbers to students? I wouldn't know. Back in the early Reagan years, when I was in high school, there was generally very little contact between teachers and students outside of fairly well-defined parameters, usually involving school premises. (Regardless of what Sting was yowling about at the time in "Don't Stand So Close To Me.") Having given her his number, PMJS wanders off and Goth God approaches her, saying, "Design. I like it. That's why I put it everywhere." Hee. But God, why'd you have to put so much bad design out there? Joan sneers, "Aren't you perfect?" He says he has a specific assignment for her: "Since you miss them so much." Joan laughs. He tells her to go with Adam and check out the state college. He wants her to make informed choices: "They're better than the other kind. Besides, you already told him you'd go and I like follow-through." As he takes off, Joan calls out, "Well, I like privacy! Now that we're listing what we like -- privacy and autonomy!" He just gives her the Godwave. Joan says to herself: "I just used 'autonomy' in a sentence. Huh."
Will arrives home to find Helen on the sofa, reading. She says, "Hey, whoa, Lucy[fer] kept you late." Will: "She didn't 'keep me.' She's my boss. I had work." Helen says okay. He says there may be a breakthrough on Judith's case and that Lucy's agreed to sweat Judith's killer's drug supplier until he rats out the killer. Helen: "She's really something." Will: "You know, if you're gonna hate my boss for a hobby, this is gonna be a long year." Helen says mildly, "I don't hate her, Will." He points to her reading and asks, "So what's the Almighty up to -- passing out boils and leprosy?" He goes to the bar to fix a drink. Helen tries to change the subject by mentioning that Joan and Adam are going to Dawson State tomorrow. Will's not having it; he's clearly spoiling for a fight: "When do you take your vows? Isn't that getting close?" Helen: "I'm not…becoming a nun, Will, I'm getting confirmed, and we haven't picked a date yet." Will persists: "But you're on board with everything: God created us, God can destroy us, nobody asked to be here, nobody gets to know why." Helen's had enough, and closes her books: "Okay, so I'm not having this discussion with you." I don't blame her a bit. Will: "What kind of faith crumbles under a few questions?" Helen stops on her way out of the room, and replies, "These aren't real questions, Will. It's a hostile attack. I'll strike a deal with you: You don't pry into my higher power and I won't pry into yours." Yow. Also, burn. Good scene, very realistic.
Joan and Adam are walking across the Dawson State campus, talking about the interview process and his strategy for getting the most money from the best school. He tells her she should try to set up an interview while she's there. She claims she's committed to interior design, and PMJS told her that there are millions of schools in California: "What with earthquakes, things fall down, you have to redecorate them…" Adam says he kind of likes the idea of them at college together. "And Tuchman's such a…wart, you know? No, I mean, he's old, and has an earring. He called me 'rocker' once." Joan says he went to Brown. Is it my imagination, or is Adam getting cuter with each new episode? He replies, "So? All that means is he's smart enough to put a spell on you." She says she's not under spell, and not to worry about her: "I know what I'm doing." She kisses him: "Go get your scholarship." He leaves and she sits down, looking at the campus activity all around her: people postering, a happy couple playing Frisbee together…Joan drifts into a daydream, seeing herself and Adam as the Frisbee-playing couple, wearing their matching red Dawson State sweatshirts, laughing and frolicking and wrestling on the grass in slo-mo…I can just picture Adam trying to hold back the puke if he could witness this little reverie. He's already scared of her propensity for romantic idealization. Hell, I'm scared and I'm not dating her. Frink: "Aw, it's just like a Newport cigarettes ad." Her fantasy is interrupted by some guy handing out flyers: "Midterm fire sale: Sweet deals on the Mongol invasion, Byzantine Empire, M-brane theory…" Joan looks at him: "Selling tests? That's kind of gross. I could be some kind of narc." The guy looks so much like Jeremy London (or whichever London boy was on Party of Five -- can't remember anymore, don't care) that I'm fairly convinced it is him all through the show, although there's some Brendan Fraser mixed in there. It's actually Mark Matkevich, probably best known as Drue Valentine on Dawson's Creek. Except I stopped watching that show in late 1999, which was before he started on the show, so I had no idea about this until I read the forums later. But it makes the name "Dawson State" a little funnier.
He explains he's not selling tests, he's a tutor: "You good with all your classes?" She says she doesn't go there; she's still a junior in high school. She explains that she's going to interior design school. Jeremy/Brendan/Drue is wearing a jacket with the name "Ernest" on it. Jeremy/Brendan/Drue/Ernest nods, "Grades suck?" Watch it, buddy. Maybe you'd like to take it up with interior designer Vern Yip, with his four degrees (bachelor's in economics and chemistry, an MBA, and a master's in architecture). Not to mention that he started out pursuing a career in medicine, and moved on to interior design. There's more to interior design than picking out pillowcases. So, uh, shut it, Jeremy/Brendan/Drue/Ernest/whatever your name is. Joan replies, "Shouldn't you be moving along, Ernest?" He says his name's actually Roger: "This jacket's just a fashion statement." And that statement would be, "I'm still living in the mid-nineties, when it was cool and trendy to buy thrift-shop clothes with other people's names on them." He sits down to Joan, asking, "And you are?" The needle on my Skeeve-o-Meter is fluttering. All you need to know, buddy, is that her name is J. Girardi and the J stands for "jailbait." But she tells him her name and shakes his hand. He says if grades are the only problem, he can help: "Getting into college is a process, all a big game. You just have to be coached." She shrugs that it's just not her game. He presses a flyer on her, saying if she changes her mind, to call him. He tells her she'd be a nice addition to the campus, and gives her a big smile. She just looks at him, and he kind of sucks in some wind between his teeth and says, "Yeah." The Skeeve-o-Meter needle's on Creepy.
Beth and Kevin are taking a walk…and, uh, a wheel, I guess…and Kevin's commenting on how much better it is to be out in the cold than in her warm and cozy room or a coffee house. She lectures him on the importance of sunlight, vitamins, dopamine, et cetera. Kevin: "Yeah, but you know what else helps? Making out to Al Green records, so…" She says she's been studying all day and needed some air. Kevin says it's fine: "I'm only freezing from the waist up." Beth thinks for a moment and decides to ask: "So, uh…what does it feel like? I mean, do you get used to it?" He gestures for her to sit on his lap. She does, and he spins the chair around a bit as he says, "Uh…it feels like…you're carrying a drunk, passed-out friend around. You keep thinking he's gonna wake up, and uh…you know, you get used to it." He pops a small wheelie and Beth gasps slightly and laughs. Beth: "So…what's the rest of it like? I mean…assuming that you have…since." Kevin clears his throat: "Yeah, I have, since. Uh…it's fine. It's not that much…more awkward than…normal sex. My legs don't move. But pretty much everything else does." He kisses her. Frink: "'I'm really into woman-on-top now. Doggy-style, not so much.'"
Joan's looking through design school brochures in the kitchen, commenting as her mother makes dinner, "Interior design has so much school stuff in it: math -- you have to measure; and geometry -- shapes, angles; fabrics; colours…you even have to know what taupe is." Aw, taupe's easy. Let's talk about ecru. Helen says, "Joan, if you want to go to design school after college, I'm completely in favour. We won't pay, but I'm in favour." Joan sighs and wants to know why this is such a big deal. Helen says it just is. Joan: "What if I told you God said it was okay?" Helen: "Leave my religion out of this." Luke comes down the kitchen stairs complaining that he's starving and wasting away. Helen tells him dinner's in ten minutes: "You'll live." She asks one of them to please take out the trash. Without missing a beat or even looking at each other, Luke and Joan instantly begin a round of Rock Paper Scissors (RPS, hereafter). Joan beats Luke with scissors to his paper. Joan clears her throat in the most minimally triumphant manner. Luke: "Two out of three." They go again: she beats his scissors with rock. Luke: "Four out of seven." Joan: "No way, dude, I won." Luke: "It's algebra, Joan, you can't beat me --" Joan: "Algebra? It's a game." Luke asks, "What do you think math is? Come on, just four out of seven." She relents, and beats him again with paper over rock. Helen wants the trash taken out. Luke: "In a minute, Mom." Joan beats him again and announces, "You're out of there." Luke takes the trash bag, griping, "Uncanny. You defy logic." Joan considers that.
Later, in her room, she's looking up information online regarding careers in interior design, when she's interrupted by the most annoying popup ad ever: God. In the form of a toothy blonde woman in front of a palm frond/sunset background. Wait: I thought God didn't pop? Frink: "Gives whole new meaning to 'spyware.'" Joan grumbles about God being in a popup ad for a bit. Deus in Machina asks her what she found at college. Joan: "People playing Frisbee. Which I could do. But I also saw huge books, tons of homework and term papers." She wants God to get out of the way so she can get back to finding out about the big money in interior decorating. Deus in Machina: "You found more than Frisbees and homework." Joan wants to know if God expects her to call Tutor Man, as she refers to him. Deus in Machina smiles and gives her a little "toodle-oo" kind of wave and then vanishes. Joan fishes the flyer out of her bag and studies it.
After the commercials, Joan's meeting Jeremy/Brendan/Drue/Ernest/Roger at some coffee house. He's in a lime green bowling shirt with yet another name on it. I think it's Le Roy. I hope Le Roy looked better in lime green than you do, pal. Joan thanks him for coming "all the way up here" to meet her. Roger says, "Anything to encourage higher learning in someone who has great potential and incredible eyes." Yeah, he's all about the academic achievement. Joan doesn't know quite how to react to that, so she eventually settles on a nervous giggle and then asks what makes him think she has great potential. He says he was a high school goof-off too until his junior year, when he realized he was heading for aluminum siding school. Joan says it's interior design for her. Roger remarks, "Suggested by your oh-so-encouraging, mildly condescending, 'I'm your buddy' guidance counsellor?" Joan: "Tuchman? How do you know him?" Roger says every school has a Tuchman. It's news to Joan. Roger says, "The point is, everybody's ready to write you off every minute, especially if your skills are not on the surface." Joan: "Like I discovered last night that I have some idiot savant thing with Rock Paper Scissors, like, I never lose." Joan laughs and Roger keeps smiling like a game show host. Joan thinks that sounded dumb. Roger tells her, "No…you could have an instinctual feel for algebraic theory." Joan: "Yeah?" Roger says he figured out that there's always a way to work the system: "College is no different -- just figure out the formula." I really don't get what he's driving at. If she's not going to get in through the standard achievement-related channels, what's left? Nepotism and buying your way in through big endowments? Neither is an option for Joan, I'd imagine. What's the "game" that she can play? Joan wonders if he can teach her how to do that. He says he can tell she's a quick study. He hands her two papers: "Your syllabus/reading list, and my hourly rates and cancellation policy." Joan balks at the hourly rates and says, "I think maybe the dream dies here." He offers to cut his rate in half if she treats him to a hamburger once a week, and if she mentions him in her memoirs once she's famous. Well, how very skee-- I mean, "generous" of him. Joan laughs and thinks that sounds like a good deal. They shake hands. Roger keeps on smiling his game show host smile and Joan laughs nervously. Yeah, I feel good about this. You?
Lily and Helen are having a study session in the Girardi kitchen. Lily's ransacking the cupboards and cookie jars, putting together a snack for herself. It occurs to me that maybe Helen and Will should set her up with Chewy. They could have a good time wrestling over the last Devil Dog. She's telling Helen about her most recent date, in which her date learned she's never seen an X-rated film. He couldn't understand how that was possible, and she wondered, "What part of 'nun' don't you understand? They weren't screening them at the convent. So he says, 'We'll have to rent one.' And I'm all, 'Where's a time portal when you need one?'" Helen wants to get to the Beatitudes, "because I think I've finally memorized them." Lily says that Helen's favourite part is usually hearing about her pathetic love life. Helen: "I know, but I've been getting into fights with my husband and I'm not sure I believe any of this anymore." Lily: "Wow. Well, that will, uh, certainly interfere with your confirmation. You and Will are fighting about religion." It's not a question, coming from Lily. Helen: "Yes. Constantly." Lily: "And not about that babe who's his boss." Helen: "Are you suggesting that my husband is cheating on me? Because that's ridiculous…and offensive. Why would you even say that?" Helen's voice is in another octave than when she started. Lily: "I didn't! You did." Helen makes a constipated face. Lily: "So you're abandoning this to keep the peace? I mean, you were drawn to it for a reason, and now you're just gonna shut it down? All your questions, and curiosity about the point of existence?" Helen's defensive: "Hey, plenty of people get through their lives without needing to know what it's all about." Lily: "Get. Through." Helen closes her books, saying she doesn't think they're going to get much work done today. Lily thinks they got a lot of work done.
Luke and Glynis are standing behind Joan, who's at Grace's locker with her. He's telling Glynis about Joan's mad RPS skillz. "You might assume she wins because of random strategy, you know. Not knowing the math, she can't apply it." Glynis: "Chaos theory. Middle school stuff." Luke: "However, with that approach, one can only expect 50-60% accuracy. Watch this." Without looking away from Grace, Joan engages in a round of RPS with him, winning or tying each time. Luke complains, "She never misses. Never." Joan emits a little "huh, whaddya know?" laugh and tells Grace, "I'm totally freaking the geeks out with this." Friedman comes in wearing an adorable (you heard me) patterned toque, followed by Adam, yelling for Jane and complaining that he waited for her at the bus stop and then missed the last one, and had to hitch a ride on the back of Friedman's motorized Razor. Joan: "Sounds like fun, kinda like performance art." Adam's half-frozen and not amused: "Where were you, Jane?" Tell him about Le Roy. I mean, "Roger." Joan says she had an early meeting and tried to call him but got no answer. Adam says it was because he was on the back of Friedman's Razor. Grace leaves her locker, laughing, "That is not shouting material, dude." Adam wants to know what the meeting was about. Joan: "This guy's gonna tutor me so I can go to college with the rest of you gearheads." As they walk off, Glynis walks behind, positing to Luke, "Perhaps it's the psychology she's using, not algebra: you know, rock is id; paper, ego; scissors, superego." Grace complains, "You people are seriously warped. It's a game. It's about luck." Luke insists games are never about luck: "Everything has a strategy from government to romance. Such as the time when I gave you a gift -- a calculated gambit designed to throw you into a state of imbalance." Wow. Here's a good example of a really insufficiently considered strategy. Grace: "You worked me?" Luke: "No, no." Grace: "You used a gambit on me?" She hustles off. Luke calls out that he was making an analogy. Friedman, still all bundled up in his winter jacket and toque, says, "That was some bad math, dude." The geeks all walk off and we go back to Adam, who's asking Joan where she found "this guy." Joan: "I thought you wanted me to go to college?" Adam insists he does. Joan tells him to be happy for her, then adds: "I am."
At the police station, Will uncuffs some leather-jacketed guy named Vladimir Karpovich: "AKA Vlad the Inhaler. I see the cocaine business has a sense of humour." Lucyfer inquires about his accommodations: "Your wooden plank is comfy?" Vlad says he didn't kill "that girl" and they have no right to keep him. Lucyfer makes a drug-dealing-related threat to turn him over to the feds. Will appeals to his supposed conscience. Lucyfer shows him a mug shot page of some guy named Joey Edwards, who, at the weird angle we get, looks so much like the guy playing Roger that I think at first that it is him. Lucyfer says they've been doing business together for years, and Will reminds him that if he hides a suspect, he's an accessory. Vlad says he wants to cooperate but he needs a compelling reason. Will opens a file and shows him two photographs taken of Judith right after the stabbing and one candid shot of Judith smiling. He says she was his daughter's friend and tells him it's personal. Karpovich wants to lawyer up.
Outside the interrogation room, Will tells Lucyfer he doesn't want to make a deal with Vlad. Lucyfer says that once Karpovich has a lawyer, they're no longer in the driver's seat: "I think we need to focus on what we want out of this situation." I don't know what she means by that. Will: "What I want is Joey Edwards, eight pieces in the river." Lucyfer nods, saying they'll get him. Will: "Then no deals yet. We let him sweat it out for a few more days." Lucyfer sighs and puts her left hand gently on Will's chest: "I guess I could lose his paperwork." I can't believe she's doing that in the middle of the crowded police station. There are all kinds of people around, even if not within smelling distance of them. Will looks uncomfortable and says, "Back off, bitch." Oh, I kid. He says, "I told you before not to do that." So there's been a before, eh? Hmm. I notice she's wearing some kind of ring on her third finger. She takes her hand away and says, "Sorry. I thought it was harmless." Will: "It's not. You know it." She just looks ever so slightly hurt. She says nothing before walking away, with a look on her face that suggests he'll be sorry somehow.
Roger's at Skylight Books, telling Joan, "Working here is awesome. It's like a salad for the mind." Joan: "I guess I should put a sneezeguard up over the books." Roger urges her to take advantage of all the books to which she has access if she wants to get into a good college. Joan says she's already buried in homework. Roger: "Yeah…prepackaged factoids crammed down your throat, so you can be just like every other kid in the assembly line at college…" Joan laughs: "You would like my friend Grace." Roger, wearing a jacket with the name Fred on it, quotes Rousseau: "'I want to set before my fellow human beings a man in every way true to nature; and that man will be myself.' That's…Rousseau. He knew how to get into college." Probably helped to be a white man in a time and place when that was pretty much a requirement. Joan says she's heard about fulfilling her true nature before. Roger says that's what colleges want: the real Joan. She wonders, "What if I'm still trying to find out who that is?" Roger: "Start by finding out what turns you on." Right, Fred. Joan considers this: "Well…kicking geek rump at Rock Paper Scissors is pretty sweet." She adds, "Winning definitely turns me on." Roger: "A little militant, but…" He studies the shelves and pulls out a couple of volumes. Joan takes them: "Game Theory? The Art of War?" Roger: "Sun-Tzu. Kicking rump for more than 2,000 years."
He starts pulling out books by other authors: Kurt Vonnegut, George Eliot ("actually a chick" -- thanks, Rog), Leo Tolstoy, Langston Hughes, Plato, Thomas Hobbes, Friedrich Nietzsche…Joan's arms are loaded with books when Shammy comes along to inquire, "Does this look like a library?" Well, actually, now that you mention it…yes, it does. I can think of few things that look more like a library than a bookstore. Shammy: "They will come out of your pay." Roger: "Chill, dude, she's just sampling." Shammy walks away, warning Joan, "You schmutz it, you buy it." Points for bringing the Yiddish, but still…let's have the real Sammy back. This one's a putz. Joan sits down complaining that it's a lot of books: "I can't…" Roger tells her to read one page of each: "If you hate it, put it back. If you connect, you'll find the time." Okay, I have to admit, the pro-reading stance offsets the Skeeve Factor quite a lot. Joan sighs and looks doubtful: "You really think I can?" Roger replies, "I…see something…in your eyes. An intelligence." Joan, flattered and surprised, "You do?" Suddenly Adam comes in and Joan stands up guiltily, letting all the books slide to the floor. Schmutzorama. Adam looks unhappy. Joan introduces him to Roger as her boyfriend, the artist. Roger stands up to say hi, and Adam greets him as Fred, per his jacket. Roger explains that he's Roger, Joan's tutor. Adam nods, looking unconvinced. Roger says he has to get to class, and vamooses. Adam's expression is a mixture of hurt and accusation. He also looks really hot.
The geeks come out of a classroom. Glynis is playing with some colourful model of molecules. Is it made of pop beads? I can't tell. I think it's supposed to be a strand of DNA. Whatever. Glynis says Luke has to find some way to take psychology out of the game. Friedman: "Following a predetermined gambit like the Avalanche: rock, rock, rock; or the Scissors Sandwich: paper, scissors, paper." Luke: "Which takes the decision-making away from the player. Giving us the advantage in a zero-sum situation." Glynis: "Mathematical purity, statistical certainty. I have chills." They walk around the corner as Adam and Joan are coming down the hall behind them. They're both wearing toques. Joan: "What am I supposed to do, only get tutored by an old smelly guy?" Adam: "No, I'm just saying, it's obvious what the guy wanted! I mean, are you telling me you can't see that?" They stop in the middle of the hall, and Grace catches up with them. Joan: "Adam." He replies, "You know what? It's fine, Jane. Just do what you gotta do." He takes off as Grace says, "All guys are psycho. There has to be another way to procreate." Geez, since when is that her concern? Joan: "I can't believe this!" Grace: "Well…are you sure there's nothing going on? I mean, it wouldn't be a first. College boy dazzles impressionable high school girl so he can…do I have to go on? The word 'pants' is involved." Joan: "Is that what you think of me?" Grace: "I'm blaming the dude, dude." Joan: "He says he saw intelligence in my eyes." Grace chortles. Joan: "He gave me those cool books."
They run into the geeks. Friedman, wearing a really ugly yellow sweater vest, says, "Okay, Girardi, two out of three. Let's go." Joan: "Not now, toe jam!" She brushes past him as he says, "Oooh, scared! I guess she realizes that the analytical mind does in fact trump dumb luck." Joan: "Are you calling me dumb?" Friedman: "Oh, excusez-moi. 'Intellectually challenged.'" Joan looks at her brother, like, "Are you going to let him talk like that about me?" But Luke doesn't leap to her defense, which I think is rather out of character for him. Yeah, he wants to win and prove the superiority of his approach over hers, but I think Luke would have told Friedman to settle down or back off or watch it or something. He's usually reasonably loyal to his siblings. Joan's incredulous that Luke says nothing. Friedman: "Shall we dance?" Joan hands her bag to Grace, telling him, "Bring it." They go three times and Friedman wins on the last one. He and Luke bump chests, prompting much hilarity on Frink's part. Glynis claps and pumps her fist. Friedman: "Balance has been restored to the universe." They walk off and Joan says to Grace, "He's right. I am dumb." Grace: "Oh, easy, Girardi, it's a stupid kid's game." Joan: "Not to them. To them it's some bizarro math problem I'll probably never understand. Roger is such a poseur. I can't believe what an idiot I've been." She's getting really worked up, and Grace says, "Hey, pull up! The plane is spiralling out of control." Joan: "You know, I really wanted to be as smart as everyone else, but I'm not. You were right, Adam was right. I totally got scammed by Roger!" She takes off, and Grace chases after her.
Will barges angrily into Lucyfer's office as she's getting ready to leave, to confront her about the fact that Karpovich was traded to the feds before talking. She tells him if he needs to break something, he can break the clock her ex gave her. She tosses it to him and he flings it aside. He's mad, and she's perfectly calm. He says this isn't funny to him: "We agreed to let Karpovich sweat it out." That was before you spurned her, dude. She says he was willing to give up his European connection. Will wants to know if Judith's death means nothing. Lucyfer says she made this deal because he couldn't. He doesn't know what she's talking about. She says, "Trust me, Will: Judith's case is not over. I haven't let you down yet, have I?" She applies some lipstick to her top lip only and walks out.
Beth and Kevin are at some loud pub or burger joint. As the waiter brings them their beers, he asks Kevin, "Do you mind scooting in? This is the waiter's station." Beth asks angrily, "Where do you expect him to go?" The waiter glances at Kevin's wheelchair and says, "Sorry. I'll be back with your food." Kevin smiles and says it's okay. Beth's fuming: "I mean, is he blind?" This is so me and Frink, whenever I think someone's treating him differently because of his ethnicity or religion. Between being rather used to it, and also being the kind of person who gives others the benefit of the doubt to a very high degree, he tends to brush a lot of this crap off. Me, I want blood. Kevin: "You seem a little tightly wound today, huh?" She says she has a paper and stuff. Kevin: "Well, you know what they say: All work and no play makes Beth a cranky lady." She doesn't say anything. He pulls out an envelope and hands it to her. She removes a brochure for Pine Lake Cabins. He suggests that maybe this Friday after work they could go there for the weekend and get away from her roommate for a couple of nights. I don't remember her room looking like there could be a roommate, but whatever. Beth's not too chuffed: "This weekend? I can't this weekend. I just told you that I have a paper." Kevin's all whatever, maybe month. Beth: "Well, then I'll have finals, and…I mean, I have to get a summer job…" Probably have to wash her hair in there somewhere, too. "I'm just saying that I don't think I can…you know…make any plans." Kevin gets the picture and puts the brochure away, telling her to forget it.
There's a short, uncomfortable silence as Kevin tries to figure out how to move the conversation past that moment, when Beth says, "I'm sorry. I wanted it all to be the same…just like you did." Kevin: "I know." Beth: "I didn't lie to you. I mean, I…I thought I could handle it. When we kissed, I'd close my eyes, and…it was like it used to be." Kevin: "But then you had to open them again." He nods, knowing what's coming. Beth says she wants to be the type of person that can do this: "I mean…I love you." Kevin smiles, but it looks like he wants to cry. Beth continues, "But, um…I'm twenty-one." Kevin: "Don't. Don't. I, um…it's not your fault. I, uh…I get it. We're friends. It's cool." It's so obviously not. She leans over and kisses him quite passionately, and then gets up and leaves. Very classy to stick him with the cheque there, girlie. The waiter brings their pizza, apologizing for the delay. Aw, Kevin, man, I know it hurts, I know it sucks, but she's done you a favour, she really has. You really are better off with someone with the maturity to handle the situation. You need someone older, someone with more compassion, someone who knows herself better, someone who shares your sense of humour and who doesn't take a lot of crap. Someone like Lily. That's where this is going, right? Right? I so want to see her at dinner with all the Girardis as Kevin's girlfriend. Not to mention that it doesn't seem like either of you has dealt with your cheating. And I think if I were Beth, I'd need to deal with that in a major way, especially since the wheelchair would be a constant reminder of that night. Best for everybody to move on. I think Kevin and Lily probably have the best potential for chemistry of anyone he's been paired with on this show. ["They'd make a good pair visually, too, I think." -- Sars]
Joan's walking along outside when Smoove G calls to her from one of those outdoor chess tables: "Wanna play, Joan?" He's setting up the pieces slowly and carefully as she walks over: "What, now God wants to beat me, too?" Smoove G: "You have to stay in the game." Joan claims she is: "I'm a decorator. Something wrong with that?" He says there isn't, if it's what she really wants. She sits down on the concrete cylinder opposite him, saying, "You know, I have a very good colour sense. Even Adam thinks so, and he's an artist. Even though he hates me right now." Smoove G: "I know you've had a difficult time lately: losing Judith, questioning me…but you've learned so much. Use it." Joan: "How? Every time I think I've learned something, something else gets thrown at me, you know? Adam or Roger or…feeling like a loser. Just makes me feel clueless again." Smoove G explains: "It's because you see each event as an end in itself. But they're all just small parts of something much greater. Something that never ends." Joan: "You're very Matrix-y today." Hee. He continues: "You do everything that I ask without knowing where it will lead, because you have faith. Have some in yourself. Other people do. I do." Wow. Joan sits up and says, "You're being really nice to me. That's weird." He replies, "Because I want you to see how much stronger you are than you think. Failure and disappointment -- you've been through it before. It's all part of the game." Joan objects, "But this isn't a game -- this is my life!" Smoove G: "Every act you undertake -- working at the bookstore, helping someone, even playing Rock Paper Scissors -- each of those choices is a move. And every move informs the . And changes you, and everyone else. Likes moves on a chess board." Joan: "So there has to be a way to win." Smoove G smiles and gestures with the chess piece he's holding, which I think is a queen: "Sure. By playing." Joan turns toward the board and finally moves a pawn forward. Nice scene.
Joan walks up to someone's house and knocks. An older woman in a pink flowered housecoat with a slightly impatient air answers the door and says, "Yes? Can I help you, dear?" Joan seems surprised and states her name, asking if Mr. Tuchman lives there. Ew, she went to his house? I am skeeved. She invites Joan in and calls Dana, telling him there's someone there to see him. Joan and Ma Tuchman regard each other awkwardly until Joan says, "So he still lives at home. How…nice." Ma Tuchman: "Yes. They grow up so fast." PMJS comes out in his robe, too. I guess it's pretty early in the morning. I really don't want to contemplate the other possibilities. He's wearing it over track pants and his Brown T-shirt (as in the university, not the colour). Ma nags him about whether he put his oatmeal bowl in the sink or not, which he did, and he reminds her, "I'm with a student, Mother." She wanders off, telling him if he doesn't hurry he'll be late for school. You know, I definitely don't think everybody who lives with their parents beyond college age is automatically a loser, but some of them sure are, and if the shoe fits… PMJS says to Joan: "Mothers, huh?" Joan agrees. PMJS says something must be very important if she's coming over this early. She lays down the law: it's her life and she may have made some mistakes but she wants to go to a four-year college. PMJS: "Oh, Joan…I'm trying to help you avoid pitfalls and disappointments that could…" Joan: "What? Make me wind up living at home until I'm -- what are you, like, forty?" He says he's twenty-nine. And he's saving for a place of his own. Whatever. He says, "Look, when you…get out into the real world, you'll realize --" Joan: "Look, believe whatever you want about yourself, me, or -- or anything! I am back in the game, Mr. Tuchman, and I will be making my own moves!" From this kitchen we hear Ma Tuchman in an almost singsong voice: "You have to run water into the bowl, Dana." Joan leaves without another word. Once Joan's gone, he hollers, "I put water into the bowl!"
Will and Chewy arrive at a crime scene. Will's bitching about Lucyfer. "She manipulates you. Reels you in and then pulls rank." Chewy says she sounds like his ex. He complains about her giving Karpovich away. Chewy says Will used to have her job, and he should know there's only so much you can do when the feds start pressuring you. Will says if it had been for a friend, he'd have found a way to make things right. They enter the building where the body is; someone wearing a baseball cap that says "Sheriff" says that the victim is a twenty-four-year-old male with a single shot to the head, and there were no witnesses. Will says it sounds like a professional hit just as he gets to the body and sees that it's Joey Edwards, the guy who supposedly killed Judith. Chewy points this out. Will: "Yeah. Seems like deals were made."
Joan's marching into school, followed by Grace, who complains, "Slow down! I'm losing weight." They stop at the door to get wanded and Joan announces, "I'm making a move!" Grace: "Yeah, a fast one! What happened? I thought you crashed and burned." Joan says it's because she wasn't playing, and other people were making the moves for her. She stayed up all night reading the books Roger picked out for her: "Do you realize that a player gives off a hint of aggression when he throws rock and there are strategies in the The Art of War --" Grace: "Nodding off." Me: "Same here." Joan: "Bottom line: I am not giving up. Luke, Friedman, the whole mess of them are going down." Joan gives her bag and coat to Grace, adding, "If you want to stand by your man while I hand him his ass, I understand." Grace: "No way! Asserting female superiority? I'm there, dude." Joan elbows her way through the crowd, shouting, "Coming through!" Grace, impressed: "You should wear more leather." And a thousand new fics are launched.
Helen arrives home to find Will drinking in the dark. That doesn't seem like a great sign. She turns on the light and comments that he's home early. Will: "Found Judith's killer." Helen thinks that's good, but she can tell it somehow isn't. Will says he's dead: "Looks like a professional hit. The guy was a drug dealer. Occupational hazard, I guess." Helen sits down opposite him and asks softly, "Are you okay?" He says dismissively, "Work." Then: "I don't know what's right or wrong anymore." She offers her hand and he takes it. "I thought you'd be at confirmation class." Helen says she got halfway there and turned back: "I think I'm going to put it off for a while." Oh, man. Will: "Because of me?" Helen: "I've been having some doubts…and things are -- there's just been…such a distance between us. God'll wait." Will: "I miss you so much." He leans toward her and they embrace tightly. Will seems on the verge of tears.
The geeks are practicing RPS when Joan comes up behind them and gives Luke a good sharp shove: "Payback time!" Friedman: "Joan, I'm sorry, we don't handicap players here." Joan: "Button it, Fro-Man. Let's play." Grace: "Flatten him, Girardi." Luke: "There's no reason for hostility here." Joan: "You're , Squidboy! You and your friends think I'm some kind of bonehead? Think again. Let's play." There's a loud band practice going on in a classroom in the background. They sound like they need some work. Friedman says the music's a little distracting. Joan: "Well, not for me. Two out of three. Don't throw scissors!" They start: Joan throws rock, Friedman throws scissors. Joan: "Told you." She beats him the two times, too. She moves on to Luke: "Hey! Who's the bonehead now? ?" Luke: "Joan?" She circles around him, goading him: "What, you think I'm some kind of idiot? Huh? You think it would be easy to just take me out?" Luke: "I never said you were an idiot." Joan: "Yeah, but you let them say it!" Friedman: "Just do it, man! Redemption!" Joan says she'll cut him some slack: "We'll play sets. Two out of three." Luke: "Why are you doing this?" Joan: "'Cause I wanna win, just like you!"
Luke takes off his knapsack as we switch to an overheard shot and the band music concludes and the Rocky theme music starts playing. They start the RPS as a small crowd starts to gather. Luke wins, then they tie twice, then Luke wins. Joan turns around to Grace, looking distressed, and sees that both Adam and Goth God are there watching. Goth God gives her a supportive look. Grace: "No no no. Focus. Come on. Don't lose it, Girardi." Luke: "I thought you'd root for me, Grace." She replies, "Make out with you. Root for her." Heh. Joan smirks. They start again: Luke wins, then Joan does, and then Joan wins the round. She and Grace exult. Goth God suppresses a small smile. They start the last round, and the tie the first one. I can't see what the second one is, and then they tie two more times. Luke takes off his glasses and turns around to Friedman, who mops his brow with his sleeve. Now it kind of sounds to me like the band is playing over the Rocky theme. Friedman gives him some pep talk and Luke turns back to Joan, who starts circling around him again, pontificating, "As the probability of duplicating a tie, decreases with each tie thrown, human behavior becomes the deciding factor. This is the domain of the philosophers and the poets and not the mathematicians." Friedman: "That was so hot." Glynis smacks him. After the show, Joan's little speech prompts a twenty-minute Frinkian discourse on game theory and probabilistic analysis and a bunch of math stuff nobody cares about, at least nobody who's me. So thanks a pantload, Joan of Arcadia. They start again. A new song starts up, with some cheesy-sounding slo-mo vocals. I wish I could tell you what it was, but I haven't been able to find out. Joan wins. Luke wins. They tie.
The slo-mo and close-ups start. Luke's dripping so much sweat, it looks like he's been bobbing for apples instead of playing RPS. Frink's impressed that he's so sweaty and yet his glasses aren't fogged up. He shakes the sweat off like a wet dog. (Luke, not Frink.) Joan squeezes one brow at him. Close-up shot of Luke's left eye. Shot of Joan's right eye narrowing. Shot of Luke's eyes. Shot of Joan's mouth. Luke's eye, Joan's eyes, Luke's fist, Joan's fist, and then Joan throws paper…and Luke throws scissors. Oh, man. There's a moment of dead silence. And then as REM's "Everybody Hurts" starts up, Luke screams and rejoices in slo-mo, while Joan looks horrified -- also in slo-mo. Everything stays slo-mo as the geeks gloat and hoot and holler and Joan, Grace, and Adam look crushed. Goth God is looking sympathetic as the crowd begins to disperse. The camerawork goes back to normal as Luke and Friedman jump around, arm in arm. Joan says she had it. Grace assures her she did: "You see how much you made him sweat? I can't even do that when we're alone." Oh, honey, I think you just might not be trying all that hard. Yet. The geeks file past her and Glynis pats her, "Good try, Joan." Stuff it, Blondie. Joan looks at Goth God, who barely smiles and nods approvingly as he walks off. Adam says, "That was awesome, Jane." She points out she lost. Adam: "No, I don't really think so. I mean, that look in your eye…" Joan says, "Eye of the tiger." Adam says, "You know, if this guy Roger can help you like this, you know, help you get what you want, well, I'm sorry if I made that harder." Joan says she just wanted them to be together at college: "I didn't think that was gonna be possible. I'm not gonna think like that anymore." She kisses him, and they walk off together as Joan says she'll get him time.
Kevin's out in the garage, working on the boat. Is it my imagination, or is this boat less finished every time we see it? Also, people only ever seem to work on it when they're really, really bummed out, which in this family is fairly often, so shouldn't it be farther along? Just wondering. Joan comes out to the garage in her jammies to offer Kevin some caramel corn: "It'll get stuck in your teeth for a year." He takes some and asks what the occasion is. Joan says she's going for college: "People are going to have to pick their own colours." I'd be happy to help. Kevin: "All right!" Joan says the boat looks good. Kevin says it will sail someday. She asks, "You used to sail with Beth, right?" He confirms it. Joan musses his hair affectionately and says, "Mmmm! So that's why you're working on it again." Kevin tells her, "Beth dumped me." Joan wants to know why. Kevin thinks for a moment: "Envy. She couldn't handle dating someone hotter than she was. Uh, you know, all the stares, paparazzi…" Joan's not amused. With a look of great concern, she says, "Kevin…" He says, "Hey, you know, I had to face it sooner or later. I mean…I actually thought that being like this wouldn't make any difference, you know, that…what we felt for each other was all that really mattered." He starts to break down. Joan looks teary. She also looks awesome, with her hair up the way it is and in the jewel-coloured sweater she's wearing. (Dark raspberry red? Purple? Who can tell on this TV?) Joan shrugs: "Yeah, relationships are that easy. Kevin, even if you had twelve legs it wouldn't work like that." He nods: "I just shouldn't have…tried, you know? Not with her." Joan says, "No, you should have…because it was her." He nods and sniffles and cries some more: "I just can't go through this again." Joan: "Kevin, sure you can. Sure you can. You gotta stay in the game." He replies, "I guess. If you can go to college…" "Everybody Hurts" starts up again and Joan stands behind Kevin and puts her arms around his neck to hug him. The camera pulls away through the window and then somebody on the roof busts open a snow globe and dumps it out -- or something along those lines, because that is some of the fakest and most gratuitous snow I've ever seen. It looks like the crappy little bits of paper that are left in the bottom of a shredder. Maybe it's meant to distract us from the unsettling degree of physical affection between Joan and Kevin and the major chemistry between Amber Tamblyn and Jason Ritter. Or maybe the CGI department's on a well-deserved vacation…in a place without snow, real or fake.