Joan wheels a book truck through the bookstore. There's a ridiculously precarious stack of books on it -- Professor Frink calls it "Joan's tower of babble." She's quietly shelving a book when she hears Judith's voice: "Hey, girlfriend." Joan turns and sees Judith sitting on the nearby sofa with her back to her, reading a magazine. Judith turns around on the couch, allowing us to see that she's reading something called Living Times. Har. I announce that I usually hate it when people come back from the dead on TV, but Frink and I agree that it's better if it's in a dream or flashback than if they appear as a ghost or some other paranormal whatever. Really hate the ghost thing. I had a root canal the day before this episode, so I'm in no mood for stuff I hate. Judith smiles at Joan and says, "I'm so bored. When can we get out of here?" Joan asks: "Judith…what are you doing…alive?" Judith says she's waiting for Joan: "Come on. Joanith can be together all day. You know you want to." There's some wonky dream music and Joan sighs, looking back at her tower of babble, which is now at least twice the height it was. She looks up at the stack, and the camera angle makes it seem even taller. Judith grabs her hand, telling her, "Don't be scared, JoJo. Come on!" Judith pulls her through the bookstore, and they knock similar stacks of books off the tops of bookcases as they go. They run slo-mo through the avalanche of books, giggling as they try to avoid the falling volumes.
Cut to Joan stirring in bed, smiling, as she wakes up from the dream. Her smile fades as she realizes she was dreaming.
Adam, Joan, Grace, and Luke arrive at school to find the hallway filled with sports equipment and trophies, and a bunch of jocks recruiting people. Adam's excited: "Aw, great. Another chance for us to feel like a subdefective." Luke mutters, "Fighting over balls, adding muscle mass for no socially productive use…it's an evolutionary anomaly." Joan: "Friedman tried gymnastics." Grace: "Yeah, and almost lost his jewels on the vault." Grace laughs at the memory and asks where he is. Since when does she care? No, seriously. Of these four, she's the least likely to give a crap. Luke says he's on a cruise with his family celebrating his grandmother's new kidney. That is an incredibly specific piece of information regarding his whereabouts. What's that about? I mean, it's not like most viewers would have thought anything of his absence from this scene. Perhaps that's going to figure into a later episode? Helen crosses their path and tells them that Judith's mother called to let her know that Judith's headstone is finished, and she wondered if any of them wanted to come along to the cemetery. Joan giggles, which I totally don't understand. Adam: "Sure." Helen gives Joan a questioning look, and Adam looks at her, too. Joan: "I'm sorry. Judith would just think that's lame." Helen doesn't know what to say, nor does anyone else. Joan: "What, going to look at a rock?" Helen says it's up to her, and offers to drive anyone who's interested to the cemetery on Thursday after school. The other kids mutter their thanks and Joan turns and faces all of them with a bored, irritated look: "Oh, come on, don't you think that's dumb?" Adam decides to avoid the whole thing: "Meet you after school?" Joan says he'd better as he kisses her quickly and walks off as the bell rings. Luke tells Grace he'll see her later, moving in close enough to try to kiss her, but when Grace realizes what he's up to, she quickly moves out of range and tells him, "Oh, yeah, later." Frink: "Come on! You tore up the contract!" Luke looks disappointed but not particularly surprised. He sure is tenacious. Tenacious G.
Joan wanders through the hall and runs into Cute Guy God. I just found out this past weekend that Kris Lemche is a friend of a friend. Who knew? As he says hi to Joan, we can hear two giggling blonde cheerleaders in the background noticing how cute he is. Joan: "Do girls always hit on you with that look? Oh, they do. Hitting on God. That's gross." Um…they could do worse? Cute Guy God wants Joan to do something that scares her. Joan: "Lots of things scare me. You, actually -- you scare me." (Insert your own joke about doing God here.) Joan asks if he could be a little more specific. Cute Guy God: "For me, that's pretty specific." Joan: "And I still can't ask why?" He replies, "You can ask..." He walks off with a Godwave. One of the jocks catches Joan's attention and introduces himself: "Tommy Belkin." He looks really familiar to both of us, but neither of us can place him. He's played by Sam Horrigan, and the only thing I could have ever seen him in is Grace Under Fire, playing "Quentin #2." I don't know if I even watched that show long enough for there to be a second Quentin. Anyway, I guess they cast him for his ability to play the big smug jock who's really pleased with himself, because he sure is: "I'm captain of the diving team. You can call me Captain Tommy." "Captain Tommy"? And that doesn't get you beat up on a regular basis? If you cubed the look of disdain on Joan's face, you might approximate my expression. He asks if she's interested in diving. Joan figures this is what God wants her to do, so she says, "Well, Captain Tommy, I was watching the Olympics -- you know, as I flipped my way to MTV Cribs -- um, so tell me: is the high board still really…high?" Joan gestures with her hand. Captain Tommy laughs: "Are you kidding me? Really high?" He laughs at Joan as the theme song plays.
Breakfast in the Girardi kitchen begins with an odd overhead shot of Helen, Will, and Luke laughingly jockeying for space over the stove. Kevin wheels in and Helen says he looks nice: "Is that a new sweater?" Luke: "And a litre of cologne?" Will: "Oh, I smell romance." Romance? Is that what they're calling it? I think of it as a migraine in a bottle. Kevin says, "Someone's in a disturbingly good mood." Will: "Gotta enjoy the good days!" Joan comes down the kitchen stairs, sniffs, and asks, "Who bathed in Drakkar?" Ugh. That stuff is revolting. Kevin: "Said, 'Apply liberally.' Pardon me for following directions." No, pardon you for paying money for that putrid stuff. With obvious delight, Helen announces that Kevin has a date with Beth tonight. Joan smacks Kevin amiably on the arm as he says, "Spokeswoman. Cool. Makes it so much easier than talking for myself." Helen wants to know what's with Joan and the diving team. Apparently Coach Keady told Helen she saw Joan's name on the tryout list. Luke is surprised to hear it, too. Helen reminds Joan of her acrophobia. Joan wonders if her mother wants her to be scared for the rest of her life. Helen: "If you have vertigo, you can lose your balance, fall, hit your head." Will: "Helen…" Helen complains that the school shouldn't allow things that dangerous. Will tells Joan, "Good for you, sweetheart." He tells Luke he should try out, too: "You loved diving when we used to go to that pool in Farrington." Helen: "Will…" Will shrugs at her, wondering what her problem is. Joan: "Luke in a Speedo. They don't make enough blindfolds." Kevin helpfully pipes up: "Dad, you're thinking of me. Luke was terrified." Luke replies, "No, no, actually I was just afraid I'd never be as good as you." Will says Luke should get back into it. Helen insists he's not interested. Frink: "What's wrong with her today?" Me: "She's afraid she's going to have three children in wheelchairs." Will: "We're just talking." Helen: "Haven't we all had enough to deal with lately? Jumping a thousand feet into a puddle is ridiculous." Kevin: "Actually, Mom, they replaced the puddle with a swimming pool because kids were getting muddy." Joan giggles. Helen's not amused: "You of all people should understand caution." Yeah, gotta enjoy the good days. Joan tells her mother it's just diving: "See ya! Don't want to be late for my…lion tamers' club." Frink mumbles something about a Monty Python sketch, but I don't ask for clarification, because…you know, I'd probably get it.
Police station. Chewy's back, and he's stopped eating everything not nailed down just long enough to play the Exposition Fairy: some other cops have grabbed up a street dealer in a routine bust, and on a hunch, offered him a deal in exchange for information about Judith's murder. He corroborated the description Ryan Peters gave: "To the birthmark on his cheek. Joey Edwards. Street-level dealer. Narcs know him." Lucyfer walks up to Will and Chewy to tell them, "It just got better. The guy's been AWOL since the girl's murder." Will says he'll get a warrant, send a couple of uniforms to his apartment -- if he can get Lucyfer's okay. Lucyfer: "Oh, gee, let me think…yes, I think I'll be giving you a blank cheque on this." Will smiles and pats her on the shoulder. He must have asbestos palms.
Helen and Lily are at a café, and Lily seems to be enthusiastically regaling Helen with the details of an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. When Helen wonders why, Lily says, "Modern-day David and Goliath." More like a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. Lily adds, "Look, it's about courage, and our overwhelming need to confront odds." Helen: "So shouldn't there be a part where David's mother tells him how dangerous it's gonna be? And where's the part that urges caution? It's like the Bible was written by Johnny Knoxville." Hee. Well, there's the Gospel according to John. Maybe he had something to do with that. And if it's caution she wants, Helen should check out the Qur'an. There's a fair bit of cautioning going on in there. Lily's surprised: "You like Jackass, too? Okay, did you see the one where Steve-O, he put chicken in his pants and alligators were, like, snapping at him, and he was…" Lily can see Helen's not that interested in this. Helen says, "We just buried one of Joan's friends. I can't see Kevin getting in a car without thinking about --" I suppose the lawsuit has made things that way, because Helen was the one pushing Kevin to get a car and re-learn how to drive last year. She asks, "Why does God put kids in harm's way? Why would he do that?" Well, I figure there's either a really good -- if vexingly ineffable, incomprehensible -- reason, or God's a sick old bastard. What do you believe? Lily: "Hey, why does he always put a cigarette machine in front of me when I'm trying to stop? Look, Helen, the truth is, we never get out of school. There is always another test that we're afraid we'll fail. It's natural to be a little pissed at the teacher." Helen doesn't find that especially satisfying, but it brings to mind a C.S. Lewis quotation, which is currently my screensaver: "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable; think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad."
Grace and Luke and many jars of specimens in formaldehyde are in their secret science storage room hangout, and Grace is regaling Luke with the details of what happened at home after her bat mitzvah. I guess this show must follow very closely on the heels of that one, time-wise, because it's hard to believe she wouldn't have discussed this with Luke on the phone or through IM if very much time has elapsed. ["Which means that Arcadia has the fastest marble-cutters on the east coast. It always annoys me on TV and in the movies when the stone is already done, or done in, like, a week. It's my (fortunately, limited) understanding that those things take months; my grandmother's didn't go in for nearly a year." -- Sars] Anyway, Grace says her mother got out the photo album: "And got totally hammered while narrating the complete Polonski family history, starting in Poland. I heard her even through the headphones in my room." Luke: "I don't know how you just put up with that." The way he says it feels more judgmental than sympathetic. And Grace doesn't miss that either; she gets defensive right away: "She's my mother. Like I have a choice?" Luke: "Grace, isn't that what your bat mitzvah was all about? Taking responsibility?" Doesn't the Alateen literature tell her she's not responsible for her mother's choices? Grace: "Hey, you don't wanna go there, dude." Luke apparently does wanna go there: "Of all people, I'd think you would have the courage to make her get help! What are you so afraid of?" What? Seriously: what? First of all, I don't think a lack of courage on Grace's part has much to do with this. You can't make anyone change if they don't want to, and it's pretty hard for a child to even make a dent in that project when it comes to a parent. Second, it's been at least implied previously that Grace has confronted her mother about the problem, and not just once. Otherwise, what's all that "I'm not going there this time" stuff? Sarah's comments to her daughter at the bat mitzvah about not thinking she can change suggest that the topic has been discussed openly between them. If he's just picking a fight because Grace wouldn't kiss him in the hallway, he needs to learn something about proportionate response.
Grace is really pissed: "What the hell do you know about courage, dude? You hide in your head. You're obsessed with science and formulas and mind games so you don't really have to live. I mean, have you ever taken a risk, ever?" Luke seems surprised to have stepped in this particular snake pit: "Grace…" She packs up her stuff as she declares, "The most you're ever going to be is a pathetic science teacher who never really went for what he really wanted." She leaves. Well. I don't even know what to say. First of all, I think Grace has shown all kinds of courage: by being willing to go out with Luke, even secretly at first; by telling Luke about her mother; by going to Alateen; by going public with their relationship; by going through with her bat mitzvah. And he knows about every bit of this; where does he get off accusing her of not having courage? Seriously, he's just not that stupid or insensitive. It's just bad writing to put Luke in the position of considering his degree of risk-taking. And while I understand how pissed off Grace is, it's kind of silly for her to lob that "ever taken a risk" stuff at him, when pursuing her was a huge risk, and most of the time, just opening his mouth around her is a big risk? Not that I expect her to particularly credit the latter. Oy. I just don't like to see writers play fast and loose with characterization in order to generate plot. Who's supervising these scripts this season? Someone is supervising the scripts…isn't someone?
Swimming pool. Diving team wannabes are doing leg lifts. Captain Tommy's counting them off as Coach Keady wanders around making helpful comments. We hear Glynis emit a forceful groan, and the coach asks, "Feel the pain, Ms. Figliola?" Glynis agrees that she does. To Joan: "Higher, Ms. Girardi. This isn't gym class. I can put you out of here outta on a whim." As Captain Tommy counts off the twenty-fifth lift, Joan makes a sound like she's in labour: "Si-i-i-i-i-x!" My screwed-up sacrum is aching just looking at this; I don't need the sound effects. Keady tells them to relax. Captain Tommy sits up, pats his abs, and says, "Hey, you want a stomach like this, you're looking at 200 of those a day, not to mention situps." Shut up, Captain Washboard. Try to evolve a personality beyond your six-pack. Joan struggles to an upright position, and says, "I think I'll do most of mine at home -- that way…when I get here, I'll only have a few left." Suddenly Luke comes in, and Coach Keady yells, "Can I help you, Mr. Girardi?" He says he'd like to try out for the team if he's not too late. Joan: "You are. Go away." Coach Keady: "Clamp it, female Girardi!" Hee. How come she's always "female Girardi" or "alternate Girardi"? She's the older one. Although Luke was in Lischak's class first. Joan whines that Luke is "totally copying" her. Luke: "I am not." Coach Keady comments, "Sibling rivalry. Healthy motivator. The Williams sisters, the Carpenters…Donny and Marie, not so much. Grab a spot on the floor, Mr. Girardi." As he walks to a spot, Joan snaps her fingers at him and whispers, "Hey! You! You're going down!" Luke ignores her. Captain Washboard announces dive rolls, and demonstrates a couple of somersaults along the mats. Joan and Luke follow shortly after. Joan does one, then runs a few extra steps before the one, so that when she does the second one, she ends up landing with her butt up on the pile of thicker mats. She flails there like an overturned turtle for a few moments until Coach Keady scurries over and pushes her forward again. Joan does one more, but she's still kind of unsteady, so when she stands up after that one, she ends up falling into the pool. Predictable, but Amber Tamblyn executed it quite well. People laugh, but not as much as you'd expect. Glynis smacks Luke lightly to chide him for laughing. In the pool, Joan grimaces at Luke and jabs her pointed finger in his direction, giving him her "you're going down" gesture again.
Beth (wearing pink) and Kevin (wearing blue) are on their date. It's a busy pub-like place. Beth sighs and asks if Kevin wants to finish hers. Kevin declines: "If I eat any more grease, I'll be flammable." They both take a sip of beer. Since when is Kevin legal to drink? Is the age limit the same in all the states? Last we heard, he was twenty. Unless maybe his birthday is in November, too -- like Luke's, and apparently Joan's, and Adam's mother's. Also, it's the month Judith died, and the month Adam's mother killed herself, and the month of Kevin's accident. Joan of Arcadia writers: There are other months. Some of them are even perfectly lovely months. Not all of them suck icy rocks, like February. What's with everything happening in November? ["And February, and May? …Oh, right. (Hee.) Your point still stands, though." -- Sars] Kevin asks her how school's going. She says it's great: "I mean, as great as studying economic structure using linear algebra can be." Frink is hurt: "Linear algebra's not that bad." Kevin smiles and says, "I'm really glad you wanted to come eat…bad food with me." Beth: "Me, too." They burst into nervous laughter. Kevin confesses, "You know, I stared at the phone for, like, an hour before I called you." Frink: "'Then I picked it up with my erection.'"
Beth smiles like she's happy to be there, but maybe not as happy as Kevin is. He takes her hand, but she gently withdraws it after a moment, and says, "Uh, Kevin…" He decides to grab the bull by the horns: "Is it…uh…" He gestures to his wheelchair. Beth: "Of course not. How could you even go there?" Frink: "How could he not?" Kevin shrugs and says it's the one big thing that's changed since they were together: "I mean, I'd -- I'd understand…" Beth: "Kevin, it's been two years. I can't just pick up like it was yesterday." Two years, hmm? Well, I guess that's what we're going with. Given how central Kevin's accident is to this show, I wish Barbara Hall had pinned down a date from the start and tattooed it on all the writers' hands. Also: you cheated on her and basically blew her off when she confronted you about it. The accident doesn't give you a pass on that. And we also know you haven't exactly changed your ways, either, though Beth doesn't know that. Kevin apologizes, saying she's right, and that maybe he thought this was a date. Beth shrugs: "Maybe I thought it was a date, too. I just need time." Frink doesn't find Kimberly McCullough convincing in this role. I tell him he's not alone, thinking of comments in the forums, but I personally think her role is a little underwritten. I wish we could get more of a sense of why they were into each other. I mean, she's nice, and she's pretty, and maybe that's enough for Kevin, but usually there's a little more than that going on between couples on this show. ["She looks a little too old for Kevin. She's pretty and everything; I just don't buy her as a college student." -- Could Sars interrupt Deborah any more today? Let's find out!]
Joan's standing on the diving board, looking apprehensive. She's wearing a red one-piece bathing suit. Coach Keady drones, "Before the water evaporates, Miss Girardi." Then some wacky-scary dream music starts playing, as Joan bleats, "I can't!" We see the rest of the diving team pointing at her and laughing. Joan stares down at the water. Frink notes that there's a cruciform shape in the pattern of the tiles. She hears Judith's voice saying, "It's okay, JoJo. So are you gonna dive or what?" She looks down at the deck of the pool and Judith is casually standing there in her street clothes, smiling up at her. Joan doesn't seem happy to see her: "Great. Now you're gonna get on me about this, too?" Judith advises her, "Just let yourself go. You can do it." Joan looks doubtfully at the water. Suddenly, behind Joan, Captain Washboard's there, wearing a pair of paints, no shirt, and dark swimming goggles…brandishing a circular saw. Joan turns and looks horrified. He starts sawing the diving board and cackling maniacally as Joan pleads with him to stop, shrieking that she can't do it. Frink: "That's so Wile E. Coyote."
Joan wakes up to the shrill sound of her alarm clock, disoriented and panting slightly.
Will says to Chewy, "Who knew I'd love the narcs?" Chewy: "They found our guy." Will says they found their guy's supplier, Vladimir Karpovich, and that they were waiting to take him down to see if he'd hand them a bigger fish. Chewy exposits, "But we're taking him now because he'll lead us to where Edwards is." Will says there are a couple of narcs waiting outside Karpovich's for them. He advises Chewy to put on a bulletproof vest: "Guy's got company. Does small arms on the side."
Pool. Captain Washboard and Luke emerge from the boys' locker room. In Speedos. Yes, there's Luke all but naked. Joan emerges from the girls' locker room just after them, and Coach Keady starts bellowing at them: "Okay, tadpoles, swan dives, off the low board. Keep 'em simple and straight. Line up!" The first guy does his, and it doesn't look that bad to me, but some of the team members giggle. I really don't know squat about diving. I think Glynis is up …or it might be Clara Bow. Seriously, she's wearing a dark blue bathing suit with red trim and a little red hip belt detail, and on its own it wouldn't be especially weird, but coupled with what she's wearing on her head, which is a beige or pale pink bathing cap with big jaunty pink flowers on the side, the effect is very 1920s-flapper-out-to-shock-her-father-at-the-beach. Or something. She makes her way carefully to the end of the board, and seems to start the dive well, but then kinds of twists sideways and concludes very clumsily on her back. Coach Keady instructs the rest of the team: "Don't…do that." We get a shot of Luke, and I think he's looking sad for Glynis, actually. Keady blows her whistle and summons "female Girardi" to the board. Joan scampers onto the board and runs to the end of the board, bounces once, and confidently does a belly flop into the pool. Ow! Oh my God. That's just brutal. I find that hard to watch in the way other people don't care to view, say, colorectal surgery. Nonetheless, I replayed it about ten times, trying to determine whether Amber Tamblyn did the jump herself or not. I think she did, but if it was a stunt double, it was a damn good one. Of course the teams yuks it up at her expense, while Joan comes up spluttering and gasping. Coach Keady instructs Luke: "Male Girardi: don't emulate." Luke approaches the board and takes his glasses off, leaving them at the back of the board. Seems like a good place for them to get stepped on. He walks to the end of the board slowly as Joan climbs out of the pool, grunting and ow-ing. He pauses there while the camera drifts from his feet up to his head, giving us all a damn good look at his body. I'd tell you all about it except I'm afraid I have to refrain from commentary until at least July 25, 2005. Let me just say this: Merry Christmas, Michael Welch fans. He stands there, anxiously contemplating the water. Joan's clutching Glynis now as they watch him. Keady blows her whistle: "Mr. Girardi…" Luke still stands there. Keady prods him, pointing out, "I'm not known for my patience." Luke finally bolts, grabbing his glasses on the way, and saying he doesn't feel well. He runs past his teammates into the locker room, as they mock him: "Don't forget to adjust your bra, Girardi!" Much guffawing. Joan and Glynis look concerned.
Will and Chewy are getting their 12-gauge pump-action shotguns out of the trunk outside Karpovich's place. Chewy offers Will some gum. Will declines, so Chewy puts it in his mouth along with the wad he's already ruminating. Will tells him, "Hey, take it easy: guy actually has to understand his Miranda rights." Heh. Will's cell phone rings, and it's Lucyfer calling to tell him that it turns out there are five guys inside Karpovich's. She's calling them off because she's decided to send in the SWAT team. She wants him to come back to the station. Will doesn't take this too well: "You want SWAT, fine. But this is my case, I'm making the arrest." Lucyfer replies calmly but firmly, "No, you're following orders. I want you to come on back to the station. Do you copy that?" Will balks: "Yeah, but we're already here! I'm running the scene now. You signed off on it!" Lucyfer loses a little patience: "I am your commanding officer, Detective Girardi, and I am telling you to get your ass back to the station right now or I will suspend you. Do you copy that?" I dunno, maybe her ex-husband went in for that sorta talk, but I don't think it does much for Will. He replies, "Yeah. I copy." He hangs up and walks back to the car, ignoring Chewy's question about what's going on. We cut back to Lucyfer sitting in her office, with her hand on her chest, as if she found that kind of difficult.
A custodian is in the hallway, putting away one of the folding tables used for the team recruiting effort, when she suddenly starts laughing a deep belly laugh to herself. Joan comes walking stiffly along the hallway, holding her arms away from her body and trying not to let her legs touch each other. The custodian comments, "Great dive, Joan." Joan stops and looks at her, as God continues to laugh in her face. Since there are so many janitorial avatars, I guess I'll have to use the official title for this God, which is Female Custodian God, even though I think I've made my views on such modifiers fairly clear. Despite that, I really like this God, who is played by HITG! Sonya Eddy. Something about a black female God enjoying an irresistible laugh at human expense is quite appealing. She's my favourite new God. Joan, whose skin is looking somewhat more pink than normal, complains, "God mocking humans? That's nice." Female Custodian God: "Belly flop. Eternally funny. Nothin' I can do about it." Joan: "Funny? Look at me. I'm a beet!" God: "Yeah. Ha ha ha! But the low board doesn't scare you. You didn't dream about the low board." Joan: "If I did a belly flop from the high board, I could have exploded! I take physics! I know these things. And don't mess with my dreams. Using Judith to get me to do this…" Joan sighs: "If there was someone over you, you'd be in a lot of trouble." Way to threaten God, Joan. Female Custodian God just walks off with a Godwave, laughing to herself. Joan trudges off in her pained, awkward fashion. I like thinking about God, hours later, still laughing her ass off every time she remembers it. Maybe God and Satan IM each other sometimes:
TheTerminator: Did you see her? SPLAT! Man, she smote that water like I did the Egyptians. ROFLMAO!!
Beelzebubba: HA HA!! LOL!!!!!!!! Fo'shizzle, my nizzle. That was so freaking kewl, dude!!! Gotta hand it to ya…the belly flop is something I wish I invented. Okay, got a meeting with a cute li'l redhead. CUL8R!
TheTerminator: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Beelzebubba: BWAH!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!! You kill me, dude.
Helen and Will are getting ready for bed as he complains about Lucyfer's decision. Helen says that Will still gets to interview the guy who was arrested. Will: "Yeah. When he lawyers up." Helen wonders what difference it makes who physically apprehended the guy. Will: "It's my case, Helen." Helen: "So? In a dangerous situation your boss chose caution over putting you at risk? I don't even like her and that sounds like a good call to me." Will: "You don't understand. I shouldn't have said anything." Helen's pissed all of a sudden: "Oh…so…I don't get to have an opinion? You're just gonna keep running around busting down doors without a thought that you have a family that might actually want you to stay alive?" Will's a little bewildered: "Helen…what just happened?" She looks at him with a mixture of hurt and anger on her face, and then sits on the bed with her back to him: "I'm scared. Okay? I'm scared." Will says he'll be careful. She says it's not just that: "It's Kevin, the lawsuit, Joan going…nuts from Lyme disease, it's Judith…everything. Every time the phone rings -- " Will: "I know we've been hit with a lot…" Helen: "I can't talk about this with you." Will: "Helen!" She turns to face him: "I can't. You won't understand." He agrees: "No, I won't -- not if you shut me out." She tells him: "It's God. I'm…scared of God. Okay? I'm afraid of what he'll do ." Indeed, Will does not know what to make of this. I agree that God can be scary and all, but what's really scary in this scene is how much makeup Helen's wearing to bed. Lady, wash your face. Helen turns her back to Will again and broods at the edge of the bed. Hmm. One's involved with God, the other's involved with Satan. Can this marriage be saved?
After the commercials, Helen comes down to the kitchen in her robe to find Kevin sitting at the table with four open containers of ice cream and a very large bowl full of it. Man, the Girardis sure like their ice cream, especially when they're depressed. Helen says she didn't think she'd find anyone still conscious. Kevin: "Beth on the brain. She isn't sure about us. She needs time." Helen looks sympathetic and says she's sorry. Kevin: "What do you think of that…needing time?" Helen says it's normal: "Means she really cares about you." She sits down at the table with a bowl of her own. Kevin wonders, "So what exactly happens during this…'time'?" Well, apparently you eat one heck of a lot of ice cream. Helen helps herself to some ice cream as says thoughtfully, "She searches her heart…and she…thinks about her life, and…what the future would look like with you and without you." Kevin: "Girls really think about all that, huh?" Helen: "We can spend two hours thinking about shoes." Kevin replies, "Man, guys are just, like, either into a girl, or not." They chuckle about that. He adds, "It's just…when I'm thinking about her, I…get this dull ache in my gut, and it only goes away when I'm with her." Helen calls this "the wound that can only be healed with the sword that inflicted it." Kevin doesn't know what the hell she's on about, so she elaborates, "It's the troubadours. They wrote that the only person who can heal that wound is the one who caused it." They eat ice cream in thoughtful silence. Apparently, those with HDTV could see a crew guy off to one side in this scene. I like to imagine it was God hanging around, waiting for Helen and Kevin to extract their faces from their ice cream bowls long enough to notice.
Joan's standing at the edge of a high diving board in plaid pyjamas, so we know this is a dream. From the back of the board, Judith calls, "You know you have to do it, JoJo." Joan replies, "Why? Have you been talking to God?" Cute Guy God walks up and stands to Judith: "We know you can do it, Joan." Joan mutters, "I should have known." Judith tells her to "just let go" and seems to move toward Joan. But the camera angles go all screwy so it's hard to be sure. Joan lets herself fall backward off the board and screeches all the way down. When she hits the water, she awakens and sits bolt upright in bed, panting slightly.
She gets out of bed, and in the hallway, we hear the sound of a young male voice grunting and straining. Hard to tell at first whether it's Luke or Kevin. Joan hesitantly opens the door to Luke's room in the attic and asks, "Luke, you're not naked, are you?" Boy, that is a door I so would not have opened and a question I so would not have asked. I would have gone directly to the laundry room to pour bleach in my ears. Anyway, Luke says he's not, and as Joan comes up the stairs, we see him lying on his floor doing situps in his undershirt and pyjama pants. Frink's the first to notice: "What are those on his pyjamas -- dinosaurs?" I think they are. We're all chuffed about that. As Joan shuffles in, she remarks, "Wow. Dedication. You feeling better?" Luke grunts that he wasn't sick. Lying on his bed, Joan ventures, "Look, if you're still trying to prove yourself against Kevin…" Luke tells her Grace called him a coward. Joan: "Grace rags on everybody." Luke: "She's right." He admits, "I couldn't dive because I was afraid I'd look stupid." Joan: "Hey, if I let that stop me, I'd never do anything." Indeed. We wouldn't even have enough material for two episodes. Luke: "You know, I've structured my whole life to be risk-free -- never allowing for a situation where I might fail." Frink: "And this is bad…why?" Luke: "So I've cut out whole realms of experiences I want to be a part of." He starts to choke up. "I just…I just don't want to live half a life anymore." He sniffles and starts crying a little bit, quickly turning his back to Joan. She says softly, "Hey…" Luke: "Forget it." Joan: "Luke, it's not like it's over for you…" Luke: "Just go, okay?" He starts doing leg lifts, grunting and sniffling, as Joan leaves. Near the door, she decides to stay and do leg lifts with him. Luke seems a little surprised but doesn't shoo her away.
Will enters a coffee shop, the natural habitat of the UnNun. He walks up to her at the counter and asks, "Lily Waters?" She asks, "Yeah. Am I all you expected?" He tells her she's hard to miss. As is her coffee mug, which is the size of my cereal bowls, if not larger. As he sits down, she says, "You guys are four for four." Will doesn't know what she's talking about. She explains, "Good-looking family. I met Kevin, too. He could be a model. Well, you know: for handicapped crap." I wonder what her verdict will be when she meets Luke. Will tries to cut to the chase, but Lily urges him to take his time: "You saved me from spin class. Talk about hell on earth." Will just wants to get to it. He says he doesn't believe in God, and tells her what Helen said about being afraid of God: "It's big for her, not something that's gonna go away on its own. And she seems so sad…I don't know to help her." Lily: "Bummer." Constance Zimmer has beautiful eyes. Will says he was hoping Lily could help her through this. Lily: "Me?" Will: "Well, you're her spiritual advisor, right? I mean, you're the one who's leading her down this road to this God who seems to be making her miserable." I'll bet Will wanted to say "garden path" instead of "road" there. Lily says they talk about stuff. Will: "So talk to her! Tell her not to be scared of your God anymore!" Lily: "There's no magic switch." Will: "Then what the hell good is a religion if she's scared of it? Isn't the whole point of God to provide comfort?" Well, in a word, no. That's not the whole point. It's part of the point. I don't think Will probably wants to hear about the rest of it, though. Lily says he raises some good questions. Will interrupts: "I'm not here for a panel discussion. I want to help my wife!" Lily: "Questions about faith and God -- they're backbreakers, man! I mean, they're filled with contradictions. Like a cop who doesn't believe in God, asking for spiritual help. Blows my mind. I mean…it must mean something, right?" Will sees he's not going to get any satisfaction here: "So that's it, that's all you've got?" Lily: "Pretty much. Yeah."
At school, Joan and Adam are walking through the hall together. She's very clingy with him this season, I notice. Adam mentions that he's going with Helen to see Judith's headstone, and points out that it's a chance to stop by his mother's grave, too: "You could come, even if you think it's dumb." Joan says she can't, because she has to dive. She asks Adam to wish her luck. Adam: "Wear a parachute." As she walks off, she turns to say, "Say hi to Judith for me." Adam watches her go, and says "yeah" quietly. Christopher Marquette looks really good in the soft, dull oranges he's wearing.
Will's standing in his office reading something when Lucyfer wanders past. She decides to stick her head in to ask, "So [are] we still not talking?" Will: "No. I mean…we never were not talking." Lucyfer: "Sure could have fooled meeee." Will says she gave an order, cops to being unprofessional about it, and says it won't happen again: "Oh, and for the record: Helen sided with you. Caution: she's your biggest fan now." I don't know that I'd go that far. Lucyfer says she doesn't mind going head to head with somebody every now and then: "I think that's healthy. It's the passive-aggressive jerks that really piss me off." Since she seems to want to get into it, Will replies somewhat angrily, "Look, you knew I could handle it. Dragging me off like some damn rookie was just wrong and you know it." She claims she had to. Will wants to know why she had to pull one of her best officers. Lucfyer: "I don't have to explain myself to you, Detective." She turns to walk out, but Will stands up and demands: "Why?" She faces him and says softly, "Because I thought that -- I thought that if -- and I know it's part of the job, but if something had happened, I --" Will has the barest, and I do mean the barest, glimmer of comprehension on his face. Frankly, I'm not sure I believe even yet that he understands what she's driving at. Meanwhile, I'm cringing to within an inch of my life, here.
Nonetheless, Lucyfer forges onward: "Well, don't look so surprised, Will. Everybody has feelings. Even me." Will is too stunned or puzzled or something to say anything, so she finally leaves. Will's face twitches, but not nearly as much as mine is. God, could Will be any denser? Argh. I can't believe this whole storyline. I don't like the way Roebuck was dumped and she was brought in. I don't understand why she couldn't have been yet another new partner. He's only had three in the last year. Why not four? At least then there might have been a slightly more convincing foundation for her feelings, given the intimacy of that kind of work partnership and the amount of time they would have spent together. (Mind you, we wouldn't have gotten all the vicarious enjoyment of Chewy's snack-food addiction.) As it is, it seemed like she had designs on Will practically from the moment they met, despite his hostility toward her and a complete lack of any real good reason for her to feel that way. So did she just fall instantly in love with his pretty face, or what? Whatever. The whole thing feels very poorly contrived to create a crisis for Will. Also, I sure hope Will files a sexual harassment suit. It'd certainly be the case if the sexes were switched. Also: could Will be any denser? Also: is she serious, making this confession in the office with everyone around and the door open? Finally, could Will be any denser? Oh my God, Detective: Get. A. Clue.
Captain Washboard's doing exercises for the "edification" of various girls on the diving team. Joan's lying beside him, completely zonked out. Glynis is wearing yet another curious bathing costume, this one with even more of an anachronistic flavour than the one. And another beige swim cap, with blue flowers this time that coordinate with this suit. Just as I've had to hand it to Aaron Himelstein, I also have to give Mageina Tovah props for her willingness to play the gawky geek so thoroughly. Glynis is kneeling to the Captain's abs and commenting, "Amazing. Transcript value." He pats his abdomen and boasts, "Hardest substance on earth, ladies! You can touch it if you want." Coach Keady arrives: "You'd better be wearing a bathing suit, Mr. Belkin." Hee! They all scurry to their feet. Captain Washboard: "Hey, Coach!" She asks, "What'd I tell you, Tommy?" He replies, "Uh…no situps in front of the girls. Won't happen again." Coach Keady's all excited because they're going to dive from the high board today. Somehow Joan's woken up and joined the land of the living. The team members line up; Luke's first. This time he's wearing boxer-style swim trunks. Frink thinks they're bound to come off when he dives in. As he's about to go up the ladder, Joan grabs his arm and whispers, "Hey…I remember you in Farrington. You were awesome!" He doesn't say anything. The coach comments, "Glad to see you're feeling better, Mr. Girardi." He makes his way to the end and stares down at the water, as the Coach barks at him to dive. He bounces slightly, hesitating. Coach Keady tells him that if he still doesn't feel well, maybe he'd feel better on the bowling team. Everyone laughs. Well, Joan doesn't. She looks fretful. Finally Luke bolts again, running out of there as fast as he can. Frink: "Oh, dude…" One big yob calls after him, "Don't forget to change your panties!" Joan pushes the yob in the pool. Keady tells her she's outta there, but Joan insists, "No, no, I have to do this!" Keady threatens her with suspension if she doesn't move her ass. Joan begs for one dive and promises that the coach will never have to see her again, but Keady barks her out of the pool area.
Someone knocks at Luke's door. Staring at his computer screen, but obviously not working, he mutters quietly, "I'm working." Grace sticks her head in, and enters slowly, saying casually, "I was in the neighbourhood." Luke seems doubtful: "Really?" Grace: "No, but…makes this easier so go with it." Luke agrees. Grace: "Look, just…forget that stupid diving team. That whole rant, that was -- that was -- I mean, I --" Luke just looks at her sadly, without much in the way of expectation. She asks, "Are you gonna make me go on?" Frink: "I would." Me: "Damn straight." Frink: "Do it, Luke!" Luke just barely smiles and says, "No." She quietly says okay, and steps down to leave, but turns to say, "I talked to my mom." Luke seems surprised, and like he wants to comment, but is reluctant to. Grace smiles a little bit and says, "Finish your homework." Luke smiles a bit to himself once she's gone. Well, that was…not especially satisfying. Frink: "They have an odd relationship." Me: "I'll say."
Kevin and Beth go back to her fairly messy room, and Kevin praises her: "Wow, you are a slob! I love that in a girl!" Beth laughs: "You're sick." He says it's exactly like her room back home: "Same Cake sticker on your Discman, Ben Folds Five poster." Beth gestures to a shelf: "Yes, but the bobblehead collection is new." Kevin: "And very impressive." He thanks her for letting him come over, saying he didn't know if it was ever going to be possible to just hang out again. Then, pretending to be casual: "So…how's that 'time' thing coming?" Beth laughs in an encouraging way. He quickly adds, "I want you to know as you take this time, I'm already at…pathetically crazy about you." She tries to say something but he rushes in, adding, "And I want you to know that I am a different person now. I floss every day, except for weekends, but even dentists…" She quickly kisses him in order to shut him up. Kevin keeps his eyes open for much of it, obviously not quite believing it was that easy. She eventually climbs carefully onto his lap and they make out some more. This show needs more making out. Less trouble to recap. ["So that's why you don't recap West Wing anymore." -- Sars] But Beth quickly gets back off Kevin's lap, and flops on the bed, embarrassed, saying, "Oh, God." Kevin: "Man, from a simple conversation about dental hygiene…weird things turn you on, huh?" She throws a pillow at him. He wheels closer to the bed to kiss her again. They sort of smile nervously at each other. Kevin goes over to her CD player and puts on some makeout music. But while his back's turned to her, Beth finds herself focusing on his wheelchair, and all it implies. She looks apprehensive, but is smiling again when Kevin turns around.
Another dream. This time Judith's standing at the edge of the high board in a knee-length, pale yellow or vanilla-coloured sleeveless dress. She says, "It's easy, JoJo. Don't let the fear hold you back." Joan's down on the deck in her plaid pyjamas. Joan replies, "Maybe if you'd been a little more afraid, you'd still be alive." Judith shakes her head: "Mm. No, see…I think what my problem was…I was running from what I was afraid of." She glances back at Joan: "Don't do that. Just surrender and…" She laughs a little. Then Judith glances back at Joan, raising her eyebrows playfully, and launches into an incredible slo-mo dive, doing a complicated twist in the air before positioning herself for the dive down. But before she hits the water, she explodes into a burst of golden white sparkly light, which disperses the way a dandelion does in a strong wind once it's turned to fluff. Joan stands there -- still, stunned, breathing heavily at what she's seen, and then barely breathing at all. She wakes up with tears in her eyes and running down her cheeks. That was quite beautiful, but I would have enjoyed it more if there hadn't already been so many CGI moments this season. They're almost predictable now instead of special.
Pool. Frink comments again on how well-outfitted Arcadia High is. Everyone emerges from the locker rooms. Glynis is wearing a relatively normal black bathing suit and no bathing cap. Keady orders ten minutes of stretching: "Find a partner." Glynis quickly grabs Captain Washboard. I really cannot tell anymore if they're writing her weirdly confident and confidently weird, which would be a cool thing, or if the writers just can't decide how they want Glynis to be from episode to episode. I suspect the latter. Keady suddenly notices something amiss: "Mr. Girardi, what are you doing up there?" Luke's on the high board, looking nervous and determined. There's some minor tittering from the other members of the team. Luke keeps staring at the water, with occasional glances toward the people in the area. For no apparent reason, Grace and Joan suddenly come through the girls' locker room, both in street clothes. Joan's looking especially beatnik-y in a black turtleneck. They watch Luke. Keady tells him to get off the board right now, and blows her whistle to show she means business. So Luke gets off the board: with a little sound of panic, he pushes himself forward into a clumsy dive -- but at least it's not a belly flop. He comes up hooting and hollering: "Woo-hoo!" Grace and Joan kvell. Luke keeps pumping his fist and hooting. Grace glances at Joan, who's got her hands crossed over her heart and is looking all schmoopy, and she runs over to Luke. I understand that apparently there was a scene where she makes their relationship even more public, I presume by kissing him poolside, but it got cut. I'm just really glad they didn't have him do some perfect dive -- that would have just been ridiculously clichéd.
Helen's reading on the couch when Will arrives. She mentions he's home early. He says it was a slow day, and the supplier in Judith's case is still making deals before he'll give up her murderer: "I'm on call." He sits close to Helen on the sofa and inspects her reading material: "Emily Dickinson. Uplifting." No sneering about Emily Dickinson, bub. Helen says she felt like poetry. Then she says, "Heard about your little fight." Will, suddenly even more tense and nervous than he already was: "Oh, yeah?" Helen nods: "When were you gonna tell me?" He doesn't say anything. She prods him: "Will…I had a session with Lily today. Did you think she wouldn't tell me you two talked?" He laughs with relief when he realizes she doesn't know about Lucyfer's confession, and says he thought she'd get mad. Helen: "Mad?" Will says he yelled at Lily. Helen: "She's very annoying." They laugh. She caresses his face a little and says, "I've been so alone, because…I knew how you felt. But even with that, you heard me." She kisses him. She apologizes for not trusting him. They hug, and rub each other's backs lovingly. Frink: "Don't cheat on her, dude."
Joan comes out of the locker room and runs into Cute Guy God: "You really are omnipresent, aren't you?" Haven't we pretty much established that? That's a pretty lacklustre bit of dialogue. He says, "I get around." Wow, even better. He tells her, "What your brother did took a lot of guts." Joan says she had her doubts, right up until the end. Cute Guy God: "Everyone does. Fear is very powerful. It paralyzes people. They don't see the value in it." Joan: "In being terrified? No, we don't. Because we're not insane." He replies, "But you saw Luke, how happy he was. He found that other half of his life he wanted. You think that would have happened if he kept running from what he was afraid of?" Joan: "Okay, okay, I'll suit up and dive." Cute Guy God: "I never said you had to dive." Joan claims he's been all over her about it: "What about the dreams?" He says the dreams weren't about diving: "You know that." She looks annoyed as he walks off, and then pensive. That was…meh.
Joan and Adam are walking through the cemetery, past another burial service that's going on. The ground is squishy with leftover snow and slush. She says, "If you need to go to work…" He says it's all right; he called in. He points out Judith's grave a few feet away. Joan looks very troubled: "I don't want to see her name…the date…" Adam says she doesn't have to. Joan insists she does have to: "I have to do this part alone, though." He nods, ever understanding. He wanders away a little while Joan approaches the headstone, which reads "JUDITH MONTGOMERY / BELOVED DAUGHTER / MARCH 9, 1988 / NOVEMBER 12, 2004." Joan tells the headstone she didn't think to bring anything: "'Cause…well, what are you gonna do with flowers?" She then launches into a kind of awkwardly chatty monologue: "Things are pretty much the same which is weird. Although Luke did this, uh…this awesome dive off the high board, which wasn't really a dive dive -- it was more like…Will Ferrell falling out of a plane. You would have peed yourself." Joan crouches to the headstone and wonders if she can say that in a cemetery. She clears some slushy snow ("snush") off the top of the headstone, and Frink and I agree it looked very realistic, for Hollywood snush. I know some posters in the forums disagreed, but believe me: I come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow…okay, really just from the land of ice and snow. No midnight sun, no hot springs, no hot long-haired British rock stars wailing about Valhalla, no genius guitarists dissipating before our very eyes. Just months and months of ice, snow, slush, snush, hail, freezing rain, and cold grey darkness. Oy. Is it May, yet? Anyway: good job, snush people.
Joan continues, "Anyway, Luke did it." She clears some more snush and then adds, "Oh, and he and Grace are a public item." She's sounding like she's going to cry, but then laughs a bit: "Ah, it's a freak show." Now she is starting to cry, and her voice trembles: "And you're, um…you're, um…dead, and I didn't come before because, um…" She's sobbing. "…I was so scared that if I had to say goodbye -- you know, the real one where I have to admit that I'm never gonna see you again…it would hurt so much…to let go like that…and it might never stop, but..." Joan runs her fingers along the carved letters on the headstone, just like she did when she stumbled upon Adam's mother's grave last year. "But I have to. Goodbye." She manages a small smile, and then she kisses her gloved hand and places it over Judith's name, her lips and jaw quivering from both the cold and her emotion. Kasey Chambers's song "A Million Tears" begins to play: "Take my hand / Break my stride…" Finally Joan says, "I love you," just before getting up. "Make me smile / For every time I've cried / My hands are tied / My head is reelin' / My eyes have cried / A million tears / From wishin' you were here…" Joan walks slowly back to Adam, who embraces her and then escorts her away.
And that's half the season in the can, folks. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!