Shout-out to Queen B.
Joan's in Doctor Dan's swanky, earth-toned, mid-century modern office, telling him about a dream she once had about a talking sea turtle named Lady. She says they did everything together: talked, played cards, swam, and ate junk food. "When I woke up, I missed her so much. Even thoughshe was never real. I mean, especially becausebecause she wasn't real." Doctor Dan helpfully points out, "But Judith was real, Joan." Joan says Lady was an exotic, magical creature: "She belonged to me; nobody else had a friend like her. And then I actuallyfound someone who was likea talking sea turtle. I mean, she wasmagical, andexotic." Joan glances anxiously at Doctor Dan, who's busy scribbling notes. "You're totally not following me, are you?" Doctor Dan looks up: "It's normal to be angry with someone who dies. You feel abandoned." Thanks, Doctor Dumb. And could you also tell me: when I feel full, is that a good time to stop eating? Joan's a little peeved, too: "So what happens in psychiatry school, hmm? What, they suck out every original thought?" Doctor Dumb informs Joan that she's transferring her anger onto him. Joan: "No, I'm actually angry with you." Doctor Dumb: "You know why?" Joan: "'Cause you're a jerk." Heh. Doctor Dumb: "I took God away from you. I destroyed that magical and exotic friendship. More than ever, you wish he were real." Joan leans forward: "Lots of people believe in God who are not crazy: Isaac Newton. Bono. Pretty much anyone who wins an award." She kinda runs out of steam there. Doctor Dumb: "Believing is one thing. Seeing is another." Isn't seeing believing? He adds, "Are you seeing him again?" Joan sits there with her arms crossed. She doesn't meet his eyes, but she allows the barest trace of a smile to begin crossing her face.
Outside, Helen asks if it went well. Joan says it went fine. Helen asks if it helped. Joan: "Mom, my friend died. I'm sad. Apparently that's normal." Helen: "Joan" Joan says she went and talked to Doctor Dumb like she wanted, but she doesn't want to see him anymore. Helen: "Why not?" Joan: "He has nose hair." Helen does not think that's a reason. Joan says Helen can't keep dragging her to the shrink every time something bad happens. Helen approaches their car, only to find she's getting a ticket. The meter reader dings her for $28. Helen can't believe it: "I was just taking my daughter to see a counsellor." Joan: "Mom!" Like Lovely Rita cares, anyway. She tells Helen she's just doing her job. Helen declares, "Unbelievable!" and Joan gives Lovely Rita a dirty look. Lovely Rita says her meter ran out. Joan stops getting into the car: "What?" Lovely Rita: "Her time ran out." Joan comes over: "Oh, really? That's your defense? 'Her time ran out.' That's the best you can do when it comes to the point of human existence?" It seems clear Joan thinks Lovely Rita is God, and at this point, it's anyone's guess. She continues, "'Sorry, time's up. Too bad about all those people you loved and all the plans you had.' You know, it must be really great to know that your time's never gonna run out." Lovely Rita is puzzled but not particularly perturbed: "What?" Helen honks impatiently. Joan: "Coming!" She gets in the car and tells her mother, "Just drive." As they back out of the space, we see Joan's troubled face in the rear-view mirror. Frink: "There's no way we should be seeing Joan in the rear-view mirror." Yeah, I'm thinking Helen might want to adjust that. Theme song.
“ Hey! They decided to stick with the shark, Chuck Kroner. I'm really surprised Helen went along with that after their initial meeting. She's sitting as far away from him as she can, though, just so he doesn't get any ideas that she might care for him or his approach. She might have poisoned those muffins, though. I notice Will and Kevin aren't touching them. ”
The Girardis are having a meeting with their lawyer at the house. Hey! They decided to stick with the shark, Chuck Kroner. I'm really surprised Helen went along with that after their initial meeting. She's sitting as far away from him as she can, though, just so he doesn't get any ideas that she might care for him or his approach. She might have poisoned those muffins, though. I notice Will and Kevin aren't touching them. He informs them the Bakers have agreed to do the depositions in his office: "'Too emotional to travel?' That's going to sound great in the court when the jury's staring at my client. End of the day, they would have done it in your living room." Helen says she still doesn't understand why the kids have to participate. Kroner thinks it's great: "It'll work for us. The more kids you have, the more lives that are ruined. Tell them to load it up, too. Usually the deposition rule is: monosyllables. When it comes to describing the night of this accident, I wanna hear violins playing." To Kevin: "That goes triple for you, kiddo." Kevin: "No problem." Will says, "Chuck, we're on board with the aggressive approach but this language upsets my wife." Helen says she can speak for herself. Will: "Okay, then it upsets me." Kroner: "Litigation, people, not synchronized swimming." Joan interrupts to say, "Mom, no pressure, but all the clothes I like are dirtysorry" You know, I strongly believe any teenager ought to be able to do his or her own laundry, but we've already seen that Joan is exceptionally deficient in that area. Will introduces them: "Joan, Chuck Kroner. Our daughter is wearing her least favourite clothes." Hee. Chuck says it's nice to meet her, and informs everyone he really has to run: "In my profession, time actually is money." Unlike writers, who get paid by the letter? Shut it, Kroner. As he leaves, Helen gives Will a sour look, which is met with a slightly sheepish glance of his own. Joan: "What's with Captain Creepy?" No one speaks. Kevin sighs, shrugs, and shakes his head. Joan: "Whatever it is, I am not going to therapy." She hustles upstairs.
School. Luke is trying to persuade Grace to come to his birthday dinner: "I know it's a lot to ask" Grace: "Dudelicking your floors would be a lot to ask." Luke says it's one dinner. She refuses. He pleads that it's his birthday dinner, and says his dad makes lasagna. I suppose Grace doesn't keep kosher, because she fails to object to the menu. Maybe Will would make veggie lasagna. Grace says, "I'll get you a present. Besides, someone we knew is actually dead. How can you even think of celebrating?" Luke retorts, "It's dinner, Grace. You know, nobody's going to limbo, or wear stupid hats." Grace: "You know, once your sister knows, the world knows. We might as well get married." Luke claims Joan won't figure it out. I knew it! I knew she didn't see them holding hands last week. Grace chortles, "She's not that stupid." Luke: "Stupid, no. Self-absorbed? Paris Hilton has more perspective." Luke says he'll just say they have to study later: "It's my sixteenth birthday. You know, the one where you get a car. I mean, I'm just getting a diving watch, but still, it's a watershed event." Grace says she thought he was afraid of the ocean. Luke doesn't address that. He just insists that her attendance at dinner is what he wants for his birthday: "Not a present, not a rain cheque, not five more minutes of make-out time!" He's being a little loud, there, and she tells him to shut up as she walks off. He calls after her, "This is a deal-breaker, Grace." Just then he runs into Joan and Adam, and takes off so quickly Joan makes a face, wondering what his problem is. I think his problem is that he didn't have a birthday at all last year, since when the show started, we were told that Luke was fifteen, Joan was sixteen and Kevin was nineteen. In this episode, we learn that Luke's birthday is November 19. Which means that unless the first eight episodes or so of Season One all occurred in the first two weeks of November -- and they clearly didn't -- they're fudging the age thing. Which, okay, I can roll with it. (As long as they stick to it from here on out.) But there are other timeline/continuity issues here, too, related to the date of Kevin's accident. We'll get to those. Date stuff drives me crazy. (Also, as far as anybody with HDTV could tell, Joan's birthday is in November, too. Not to mention both the birth and death dates of Adam's mother. What's with the November fetish on this show? ["I can't speak to the death thing, but I know more people with birthdays in November than in any other month. So much for the 'Valentine's Day is a meaningless consumer construct' theory. Heh." -- Sars])
“ Egad, is it the range hood that's got that scallops on it? Yucko. They've got a huge old double oven, though. That'd come in handy. Man, I want one of those Maytag Gemini ovens with the two compartmentssorry -- there's no staying on topic once I start thinking about interiors. ”
She complains to Adam that she's still having nightmares about Judith: "And now I have to go to this lawyer's office and talk about Kevin's accident." Look! "Written by Barbara Hall." Yay! More of that, please. Joan wonders, "What did I do in my past lifetime, kill puppies?" Adam: "Truly, yeah. You know, plus this is the week Price is gonna analyze the college counsellor's report." Joan: "Are you kidding me? How could I hate my life more?" Uhyou could be Judith? Or her parents? Friedman pushes past them to get into Lischak's classroom, singing, "Tests are back today!" Joan: "What?" Then: "Way to bounce back after Judith!" Adam: "It's a classic coping mechanism." He assures her she did fine on the test: "I quizzed you."
shot: Joan holding up her physics test in front of her face, with a big fat red F, and lots of errors, all circled. And a "NO!" Yikes. Grace and Adam, on either side of Joan, are staring at the paper. Grace: "Wowdid Lischak use her own blood?" I think it's more likely the blood of some hapless science student. Joan's incredulous. Adam: "What happened? You knew it." Joan guesses she froze. Adam tries to conceal his paper, but Joan snatches it and sees that he got an A. She and Grace seem equally surprised. Adam claims he got lucky: "Look, it's just 'cause you're under a lot of stress." Joan tells him, "Luke is stressed. Friedman is heartbroken." Joan's interrupted by the sound of Luke and Friedman noisily congratulating each other with complicated handshakes and high-fives. Joan continues, "I am incrediblystupid." Adam: "Physics is hard." Joan: "'Physics is hard?' That's like the intellectual version of "you're not fat.'" Hee. Adam says it's just her first test and there's lots of time to compensate. Friedman turns around with a piece of paper and stands in front of Joan, who snarls, "sentence could be your last." Friedman just looks sad as he hands Joan a test, saying, "Lischak gave it to me because I helped her study. That's all I was gonna say." He returns to his seat. It's Judith's paper, with a C grade. Joan looks upset, and runs her hand through her hair, finally letting her chin rest on her hand. Grace and Adam say nothing. Okay, wait a minute: obviously this test was given before Judith died. So then what's all this exceptional stress Joan was under?
Will's being deposed. The other lawyer wants to go over basic details like name and address. Will glances around the office, noticing some football helmets on display. He lapses into a memory of the day of Kevin's accident.
Flashback time. Will opens the fridge and takes out a beer. He drinks it at the kitchen table as Luke raves about a kite he wants. When Frink and I get a load of two-years-ago Luke, we just explode in laughter. He's so adorably gawky, with the massive orthodontic apparatus around his head and his hair all combed down straight. He'sadorkable (tm Queen B). Frink and I are freaking so much we can barely hear the dialogue, which consists of Luke exclaiming, "Dad, it is so cool! It's got ram-air traction, ripstop nylonI mean, you barely need a breeze to fly it! It's, like, the perfect display of positive/negative airflow!" Great, now Frink wants one. He loves kites. Maybe I'll get him one for Festivus. Will's basically ignoring him. Imagine that. Joan, sitting on the counter making a friendship bracelet, says, "It's a kite." Luke: "Yeah, and it's smarter than you." Joan: "And it's more interesting than you." Joan looks like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, with her hair in two tight braids. She's wearing overalls and dumpy-looking shoes. Kevin comes into the kitchen and flings his gym bag on the counter as their father tells them to knock it off. Kevin: "Where's the Gatorade?" Well, it's probably in the fridge, but with all the jock sense of entitlement in the room, it might be hard to, you know, see the fridge. Wow, the Girardi kitchen is reallywell, fugly's too strong a word, but...let's just say the Girardis sure got it together taste-wise when they bought the house in Arcadia. The kitchen's a bacchanal of knotty pine, and there's at least one shelf that has scalloped trim carved along the bottom. Egad, is it the range hood that's got that scallops on it? Yucko. They've got a huge old double oven, though. That'd come in handy. Man, I want one of those Maytag Gemini ovens with the two compartmentssorry -- there's no staying on topic once I start thinking about interiors.
“ 'Is this about the Playboy magazines in your underwear drawer?' Direct hit. Luke shuts up immediately. Without looking up from his notes, Kevin gives Luke a big thumbs-up for that. Okay, first, even if you're looking for dirt on your brotherhis underwear drawer? Yecchh. ”
Kevin grabs a bottle out of the fridge as his father says, "It's 4:30 and you're not suited up." Kevin says he'll suit up at the gym: "I got time." Will says he'll get benched. Kevin: "Henderson pulled a groin muscle. Nobody else to carry the ball." Will: "That's your work ethic?" Kevin says it's football, and not even his sport: "Baseball, I give 110 percent." Will starts riding him: "So you skim off the top elsewhere? What kind of a man are you?" He rags on Kevin as Joan and Luke decide to quietly slip away. It's obviously not all that unusual for Will to be on Kevin's case like this. Kevin asks if he can get the "abbreviated lecture," because he's going to be late. Will: "You're already late, and this is not how I raised you to think." Kevin: "You've been on me all day!" Will says that's his job. Helen comes in and wonders what the problem is now. Will says it's between him and Kevin, who's trying to leave. Will stops him, saying he's not finished. Helen says Kevin will be late for the game. Will: "Helen, please! You're always making excuses for him. You encourage him!" Helen sets the table, asking, "That's my crime? I encourage my son?" Will says she babies him: "He's a man and he needs to act like it! And he can't do that if his mother's still making his bed." Man. Will needs to calm the hell down. Helen sighs, "Will, it's homecoming. Try not to ruin it for him." Will: "I'm ruining it?" Kevin tries to get going while the going is good: "Bye!" Will goes after him: "Kevin, don't you walk out on me!" Kevin calls back, "I'm a man! I'm acting like it!" Will stands at the door, hollering that they're not finished: "One day, you're gonna get your ass kicked and there's a part of me that's looking forward to it! Do you hear me? Kevin!" He slams the door and stands there with his hand on the knob, exhaling heavily. It's a lot of work being a hard-ass.
Back to the deposition. The other lawyer has to pull Will out of Flashbackland to spell his name. Kroner wonders if Will's okay, or needs a minute. Will says he's ready, and spells his last name.
After the commercials, Joan comes into the kitchen where Kevin's writing something, declaring, "I want sugar and I want it now!" She asks Kevin, "The latest expos? Did someone double-park?" He says he's making notes for the deposition. Joan's surprised to hear he's preparing: "I thought we just show up and say yes or no." She brings a Pop-Tart and some chocolate syrup to the table. Kevin says, "That's your job. My testimony's going to count for a lot." Joan: "Well, that's good, because I'm the dumb one." Kevin does a half-hearted Spicoli imitation: "Fast Times at Arcadia High." Joan thinks, and says, "Guess I'm still just dealing with Judith." Kevin nods. She tells him she failed her physics test: "Failed. I've had Ds before, butonce you see that F, it's like a whole other part of the alphabet." Kevin wonders why she's even taking physics. Joan: "'Cause I'm into quarks and stuff." Yeah, Kevin's buying that. She says it's because of Adam. Wait -- I thought he was taking physics because of her? Joan: "He's such a brainiac. I feel like I'm supposed to be one, too, because he deserves a girlfriend who's as smart as he is." Geez, Joan, he's got an eidetic memory. It's hardly a level playing field. Kevin gives her a concerned look, and Joan wonders, "Are we actually talking about stuff? It's not even eight o'clock yet." Kevin dispenses some brotherly advice: "You can't do things to impress other people." Joan sneers, "Yeah, because nothing in our society encourages that." Luke comes zipping down the stairs into the kitchen playing air guitar and making guitar sounds. I can't say as I recognize the riff. Joan: "No singing!" Luke laughs: "Sorry, but sometimes life is good." Joan: "Not in here, it isn't." Luke: "Is this about your F?" Joan snipes, "Is this about the Playboy magazines in your underwear drawer?" Direct hit. Luke shuts up immediately. Without looking up from his notes, Kevin gives Luke a big thumbs-up for that. Okay, first, even if you're looking for dirt on your brotherhis underwear drawer? Yecchh. Second: we know Helen's a control freak who doesn't require/allow her children to do laundry. Sowould you really keep porn magazines in the place your mommy puts your Underoos?
“ Joan says she wants to go where he goes: 'I mean, that's still the plan at least, right?' Okay: they don't use tongue yet, but they're already planning to go to college together? ”
School. Adam and Joan are standing around waiting. Joan's head is on Adam's shoulder and she looks bummed. Adam (who's wearing a long-sleeved black T-shirt that he looks really good in) wonders if it's really a big deal if Joan doesn't make Ivy League: "I mean, if George Bush is any indication" Joan says she wants to go where he goes: "I mean, that's still the plan at least, right?" Okay: they don't use tongue yet, but they're already planning to go to college together? He agrees, and says he's thinking of second tier: "University of Texas, Austin. A lot of great filmmakers came out of there. Wes Anderson, for example." I'm all, "Mention Richard Linklater. Mention Richard Linklater!" He doesn't. I'm all bitterly disappointed in my boyfriend. Come on, how can you overlook Richard Linklater? That is numerous kinds of wrong. I love Richard Linklater. Also, his name is fun to say over and over again. Anyway, Joan brightens up, saying, "I could do Austin. We could learn how to two-step." Adam laughs, too nice to tell her, "Over my dead artsy body." Joan: "You know what I think about? How much Judith is missing out on all this." Some pretty blond guy we've never seen comes out and calls Joan into Price's office. Is he Helen's replacement? Perhaps. Joan asks Adam to wish her luck, and kisses him. The secretary taps on the window behind them, announcing, "Watching the PDA." Joan makes a face about that at Adam and enters the office.
As she's signing in, the secretary tells her, "Try to remember who you are, Joan. 'Coyly stated by the Almighty.'" Joan seems to know it's God as soon as he said "Joan," though -- but how odd is it that the guy calling students into Price's office would know her name? Usually that's the giveaway, but here, it doesn't make sense. Joan asks, "Remember who I am: that's my assignment?" The secretary manifests some stereotypically gay mannerisms, and normally I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but since I know this role was described as "Gay Male Secretary God," we can just cut to the chase and call him Queer Deity for the Straight Girl, or QDftSG for short. (And if Joan turns out to beflexiblewe'll change "straight" to "self-absorbed.") I'm all for God being gay, but what's with the "male secretary" thing? Aren't we past the era of "lady doctors" and "male nurses" yet? As some old second-wave feminist used to say, there are only two jobs that are sex-specific: sperm donor and wet nurse. And frankly, even the latter seems to be up for grabs. Frink wants to know why they didn't just get Scott Thompson for this role. Me: "Because Scott Thompson probably costs ten times what this guy does?" QDftSG says, "It's easy to get derailed when confronting your future. Try to stay grounded. And stand up straight. I didn't create you to slouch." Joan complies. QDftSG: "Go." Joan: "Wait. You know my future. So why do I have to go discuss it with Price?" QDftSG: "That free will lecture just doesn't land with you, does it?" Hee! Before she can reply, Price emerges from his office, clearing his throat loudly: "Growing old and dying in here, Ms. Girardi." Yeah, that oughta light a fire under her. Joan: "Works for me."
“ Will says it was a horrible thing to say. Lucyfer: 'People say horrible things to each other all the time. Saying it didn't make the accident happen.' Who's she, his therapist? Back off, lady. ”
In his office, Price tells her he's received Mr. Tuchman's evaluation: "You've listed one of your major considerations for your destination of higher learning as 'weather.'" Joan says she's not good with cold. Sing it, sister! I wish I'd gone to university in San Diego, or Fiji or someplace. The one year I spent in a dorm, I lived by myself in a 10' x 10' room, and for most of the year, I had a loud, scary old space heater running constantly and was wrapped in an electric blanket turned up as high as it would go. My best friend Margaret, who lived across the hall, would come over and freak out about how hot my room was. She's a nut who'd have her window open on even the most frigid days. (M, if you're reading this, which I doubt, you know I kid because I love.) I'm sure between the two of us, we were responsible for a hefty hike in the cost of residence the following year. Price points out she failed her physics test. Joan: "Physics is hard. Look, why don't you just tell me what schools you think I have a shot with." She mentions UT Austin as her first choice. Price: "UT is a fine school. Unfortunately, they do have as one of their admissions criteria evidence of brain activity." Whoa. Price, dude, that's harsh, even for you. Joan: "ButI got straight Bs last semester." Price: "Mmm. You were somewhat farther down the musical scale the year before." Wouldn't that be the year of Kevin's accident, arsewipe? I find it hard to believe he's unaware of that, given that Helen used to work in that very office. Joan says that was her old school: "I was different then." Price is completely devoid of sympathy or even humanity: "There's a reason they call it a permanent record, Ms. Girardi. Any four-year school is out of your range. I'm recommending Arcadia Community College." Oh, come on. There must be any number of four-year schools Joan could get into, especially if she really pulls up her socks between now and graduation. Joan starts panicking, saying she can't stay here: "I'm going wherever Adam goes." Price: "Adam Rove is a gifted student. He has a promising future. I'm sure you don't want to hold him back." Man. Talk about violations of ethics and professionalism. Discussing another student's prospects, completely discouraging (and ignoring) JoanI just want to smack him into week. He dismisses her by handing her the brochure for Arcadia Community College. She's speechless.
Lucyfer holds the door of her office open for Will. She closes it behind him, saying, "Sotalk to me." And Will obeys: "I was deposed yesterday. It brought a lot of stuff up. I don't feel comfortable talking about it." Like she's going to leave it at that. Lucyfer: "Okay. I just thought I'd ask." Will says he'll redo the reports. I guess he bollixed something up. She says that's not the point. And Will, hand on the doorknob, just caves, telling her, "The night of the accidentit was homecoming weekend." He tells her how he and Kevin had been sniping at each other the whole day and what he said when Kevin was leaving: "That's the last thing I said to my son before he was paralyzed." Wait, wasn't there a phone call that night? Lucyfer's the picture of understanding: "Soyou're guilty for being human?" Will says it was a horrible thing to say. Lucyfer: "People say horrible things to each other all the time. Saying it didn't make the accident happen." Who's she, his therapist? Back off, lady.