Cherish the moments of levity of in this recap, folks, because they are few and far between. Lay in some Visine.
Judith's at Joan's house, juggling some colourful balls. Judith: "See? How cool is this? When you're in the zone, all's right with the world." Joan's on the couch in full-on bored teenager mode: "Yeah. Great. Cirque de Judith. Listen, where is Adam taking me for dinner?" Judith juggles on: "Sworn to secrecy. I already told Lischak you'd do the project with me. Try it again." She tosses the balls to Joan, who protests, "I would like to obsess over me now, okay, and not these stupid balls." She says it's her first real date with Adam. Judith counters that this is the only way to salvage her physics grade. Have we ever actually seen Judith in a class, since the beginning of the season? Judith pleads with Joan, asking, "Do you want me to get shipped off to boarding school?" Joan sighs forcefully and begins to juggle badly. Judith tries to be encouraging. As the doorbell rings, Joan asks, "Can't we just see if Styrofoam floats?" Judith promises that if Joan will learn to juggle, she'll spill about where Adam's taking Joan for dinner.
The doorbell rings again as Helen comes down the stairs to answer it, crabbing, "Deaf, are we?" Judith demonstrates as Helen greets someone named Fran. It's Judith's mother, played by Jayne Atkinson, who comes in saying, "Hi, honey." She's sort of a Poor Man's Helen Mirren (tm Gustave). Judith, clearly thrilled: "Hi, Fran." Her mother doesn't seem as monstrously indifferent as Judith's implied, but then, parents rarely do when they're on display. She's brought Judith some clothes. Judith, still juggling: "Joan's fit." Her mother replies in a pleasant yet pointed way, "You're welcome." Fran turns to Helen and asks if it's really okay that Judith spends the night again: "Bill's out of town and I have a lecture…" Helen insists it's all right: "She's like one of us now." Fran: "I'm just so grateful that she's spending time here. She hasn't always made the best choices in the past." I'm guessing you haven't either, lady, parenting-wise. Just saying. There's a mild crash behind her and Fran turns, reprimanding, "Judith." But it's klutzy Joan who's knocked the lamp over. Helen: "Joan. Take it outside." The girls shuffle out. Judith doesn't bother to protest her mother's assumption, giving the impression that it's happened too often for her to bother. Helen generously commiserates: "Teenagers are hard. Even when it's going well." Fran: "I guess being shrinks, we thought we could work it all out, but they have to rebel, and be independent…" Helen: "While we do their laundry…yeah."
Outside, Judith is continuing to instruct Joan, as Joan continues to pester Judith to tell her about the date destination. Judith just keeps on with Juggling 101. She hands the balls to Joan, who claims, "I hate you." Fran emerges from the house and says good night to Joan, and then puts her hands on Judith's shoulders, like she's going to kiss her, and says, "Good night, honey." Judith pulls back and says, "Yeah. 'Night, Fran." Her mother knows better than to make a scene and goes to her expensive-looking car. Judith: "Juggle, JoJo." Joan drops one ball, and a dog trailing a leash runs up and snatches it. Joan chases after it as Dog Walker God and his many pooches stroll into view. Joan: "Divine intervention. I should have known." Judith conveniently decides to take this opportunity to…lie on the grass in front of the Girardis' house? Okay. Dog Walker God is playing with the ball, saying Judith's right: "It's all about catching what's coming at you." Well, that explains my problems. I am the most hopelessly uncoordinated person alive. ["Second most." -- Sars] Joan: "Okay. But this is too hard for me." She glances around to see Judith flaked out on the lawn. Dog Walker God points out, "You're always going to be met with challenges you think you can never overcome, but everyone has the ability to surprise themselves." It's probably not a smart idea for me to fix God's grammar, is it? Especially when I need so much help in the hand-eye coordination department. Joan, impatient as ever: "So it's important to you that I juggle?" He just walks off, tossing the ball over his shoulder to her as he goes. She catches it. Judith conveniently wakes up from her wee rest now and comes over to Joan. I honestly can't imagine why her friends rarely ask her about these encounters, unless God is directly influencing their indifference or lack of interest. Joan's managing to juggle slightly as Judith comes over, pleased. She says, "Better!" Then she half-whispers, "He's taking you to La Cachette." Joan, breathless: "That place is fancier than real France!" She runs her tongue over her teeth: "I'm going to get stuff stuck in my teeth!" Well, keep a good thought. And…theme song.
At school, Joan complains to Judith, who's juggling away, "Can't we just…microwave popcorn and watch The Shining? I'll scream, he'll hold me…" Judith replies, "He's spending his bonus from work on you instead of an X-Box. You know how deep that is?" As Grace walks in front of them, blowing bubbles (gum, not soap), Joan says she doesn't need a fancy date: "We're fine the way we are." Judith sneers, "Yeah, real fine. You thought Adam and me were hooking up." Joan admits: "All right. Occasionally, not so fine…but…" Grace turns around and walks backward in front of them. Joan worries: "What if he looks across the table and realizes that…I'm not worth it?" Grace: "Could happen. The whole dating ritual is barbaric. It's all about compromise, the slow death of self…" Joan: "Way to make my first date special, Grace." Grace replies, "I'm going to have to start another women's movement. First one obviously didn't take." Hee! I'm afraid she's probably right. She takes off, and Joan continues fretting, saying she's going to break out: "He's going to be at dinner with a zit in a dress." Judith encourages Joan to try the balls: "Better than Prozac. You turn off your mind, all the crapola goes away. Very Zen-y." She hands them to Joan, who says, "Yeah. I have to catch what's coming at me, right?" Joan manages one cycle of tossing the three balls. Judith's pleased. Joan tries again and fumbles, but Judith says that was better.
Suddenly Adam's there: "Hey, Jane." Joan's all stammery and Adam seems kind of breathless and nervous: "Uh, so, tomorrow night…" Joan: "Yeah, tomorrow night!" Judith just stands between them with various expressions of pleasure, wistfulness, and concern passing fluidly over her face. Joan and Adam finally kiss, quickly, and Joan takes off. Judith: "Dude!" Adam turns to her: "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Judith: "Oh, a night she'll never forget? Girls kinda go for that." Adam: "So why can't I breathe?" Friedman, who's wearing a brown velour shirt with beige and orange horizontal stripes that Topher Grace's stylist rejected for That 70's Show -- and an orange dickie -- zooms up, throws his arm around Adam's shoulder, and says, more to Judith than Adam, "'Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear. When little fears grow great, great love grows there.' It's Hamlet. Act 3, Scene 2." Adam shakes his head slightly and wanders off. Judith calls out after him, "Get flowers!" She and Friedman are left looking at each other. He wiggles his eyebrows at her slightly and she says, "Don't lurk, dude." She hustles off. He follows her, saying, "I'm almost done. Just two more pages." Judith stops: "You memorized the whole play?" He doesn't say anything, and in profile, it's hard to read his expression. She touches him on the arm and says gently, "It was just a goof, Friedman." She walks away. Friedman catches up with her: "When Alexander Fleming found penicillin on a moldy plate, he saved untold millions. There are no goofs. Soon I will bathe you in sweet poetry, and you will know the true Friedman. Soon." He backs away into a classroom. Judith looks concerned. Probably because they're using the word "goof" two different ways. Speaking of words, I got curious about the etymology of the word "juggle" (because I am just that sort of person, that's why) and looked it up: it's actually related to the Latin word for joke. Which is sort of amusing, considering how sad this episode is.
Grace and Luke are in the science storage room, making out. Grace stops to complain about Joan's big date with Adam: "They are so seriously twisted, dude." Luke wonders why she cares. Grace: "Because they're just mindlessly following these random sociological constructs." Luke admits, "Well…I was going to ask you out…tonight." Grace: "Who do you think you're twisting tongues with, dude?" He shows her a poster for "Schlock-a-palooza," a festival of the all-time worst films: "Plan 9, Robot Monster, Catwoman From the Moon…I mean, these are serious classics." Grace says she's got a meeting tonight. She hands him a little flyer with an anarchist symbol on it and Luke reads, "'Anarchists Unite'? Isn't that contradictory?" Grace: "Anarchy is about shedding false conceptions, so it is not at all contradictory, brain drain. Maybe if you came, you'd be less politically dense." Luke's comeback: "Anarchists should have an appreciation for the chaotic ineptitude of schlock cinema. It's the very definition of anarchy." Um…no. Grace: "Don't twist political philosophy to manipulate me into a date." Luke thinks that's what she's doing: "Trying to get me to your meeting?" Frink: "His night would be much more fun." She takes his chin in her hand and says, "Find new lips, creep." She gets up as Luke says, "Come on, Grace." He refers to the flyer: "Look, we're supposed to, uh…'harmonize our divergent agendas.' You can see the strings on the flying saucers!" She waves as she closes the door.
Helen's in her classroom looking at a large lurid painting of an eyeball. Joan, juggling balls in hand, comes in and asks if she's busy. Helen tells her she has to grade papers and clean out the supply closet. Joan: "Yes, or no?" Helen decides she's not: "Sit." Joan pulls up a stool, shifting about in a protracted fashion, until her mother finally says, "Honey! What is it?" Joan: "All right, I'm going to ask you something, but you're not my mother, okay? You're just some random old lady." Good start. Helen: "Well, I'm not…old." Joan sighs: "Fine. Elderly." Helen wisely lets it go. Joan asks if she remembers her very first really big date. Helen gets all smiley and schmoopy: "Oh, sweetheart…" Joan: "No mother stuff!" She bangs the desk a bit. Helen sobers up and gives her testimony: "Yes, I remember. My memory is still quite good for an elderly person." Joan wants to know what it was like: "Because Adam's going to take me out tomorrow night, and yeah, you have this whole fantasy about how it's going to be all romantic, where you look at each other and you both know that this night was meant to be, and you say all the right things, and he looks at you like you're the only person in the whole world and all the other couples are totally jealous because they're just pure leftovers to you, and when he takes you home, he gives you that kiss, that kiss that never leaves you…was it like that?" Helen, whose smile has been slowly fading: "Sure." Joan: "Oh my God. You're totally lying." Helen claims she had a wonderful time. Joan wants to know what really happened: "Did you throw up on him?" Hee. Helen admits that her hair caught on fire. Apparently it's something she can laugh about now, because she's giggling at the memory of leaning over to kiss this guy in a restaurant, and igniting her hair in the flame of the candle. She jumped up, tipped the table over on her date, and the waiter doused the flame by pouring water on her. Now Joan's really glad she asked for advice. I personally love it when I talk to someone for support and I come away with anxieties I hadn't even thought of having.
Schlock-a-palooza. Kids are all dressed up in goofy costumes for the occasion. Friedman and Luke walk up to the theatre; Luke's got a totally cheesy 1950s-era silver astronaut helmet on, and Friedman's wearing a latex mask that's vaguely creature-from-the-Black-Lagoon, which has some kind of wiglike affair of black gorilla fur attached to it. Friedman tells Luke, "It's done, dude. The whole thing. It's right up here -- every line. And she wants to hear it -- I saw it in her eyes." Luke's voice is slightly deadened by the helmet: "What if you're wrong? You know, you've wasted weeks memorizing Hamlet just so she can dismiss you because she has no real appreciation of what makes you unique, just superficial judgments about you wrapped up in pretentious, dogmatic beliefs." Geez, Luke. Why don't you just wear something that says "I am secretly dating Grace Polk and all I've got to show for it is this lousy T-shirt"? Friedman, who's pulled his monster mask down at a slightly jaunty angle, regards Luke: "Whoa. Intense." Hee! Luke having this discussion with the mask is hilarious. Frink's gone into a dry wheeze, here. Luke apologizes, saying he doesn't want Friedman to be "emotionally eviscerated." Friedman, sadly, removes the mask, and says, "You do not get it, señor. 'This very ecstasy of love leads the will to desperate undertakings.'" I wish he'd delivered that line in the monster mask. Luke considers this and then hands his helmet to Friedman, saying he has to go. Friedman's thrown for a moment, then quickly recovers, putting the helmet on and going into the theatre.
Joan and Judith are in her bedroom deciding which dress Joan should wear for her date. Joan loops a dress on a hanger around her neck and studies herself in her cheval mirror, with Judith standing behind her. It's a yellow dress. I really don't think yellow looks as good on Amber Tamblyn as the stylists on this show seem to. It does weird things to her gorgeous complexion. Please don't wear that. Judith says it's hot. No, really. Please don't wear that for this date. Joan wonders what Judith's doing tonight. Judith: "Oh, hanging with some ass lumps from my old school." Judith finds the juggling balls underneath the blanket on Joan's bed and asks if she's trying to hide them. Joan claims she been practicing and that she's getting very good. As Joan pulls the yellow dress on over her clothes, Judith starts juggling: "Good. Joanith is so going to ace this project." Wandering to Joan's closet, she wonders about skirts and tops. Joan wishes she knew what Adam's wearing. I wonder, does he have a formal hoodie and toque? Joan: "I want to look like we fit." Judith guarantees that they will. Joan: "Did you dress him?" Judith: "Have you ever known a guy who could dress himself, unless it's for swimming or bed?" I might even take "swimming" out of that equation, what with the frightening number of Speedos still plaguing the earth. Joan smiles: "You are so saving my life." Judith: "And if I ever have a date, you'll save mine." I find it hard to believe Judith can't get a date. She's pretty enough, and she's a party girl. Seems like a lot of guys can content themselves with that. Judith explains, "I always seem to scare them off before they spring for the big night." She finds a sweater in Joan's closet and asks if she can borrow it: "I hate what my mom brought." Joan agrees blithely as she examines another dress. Judith suddenly pulls a simple black sleeveless dress out of Joan's closet, with two delicate pink fabric flowers on the left shoulder. It's very pretty, and I can't believe Joan was considering that yellow rag with this in her closet. Judith holds it in front of Joan: "Yeah." Joan: "Yeah?" Judith: "Yeah." She says she'll do something with Joan's hair, and makeup: "And then I'll give you some Botox and do your boobs!" Joan doesn't know what to say. Judith points out she's kidding. Joan, you need to lighten up a little, or this date is going to be one big ball of tense.
Helen's straightening up in the dining room when Judith comes downstairs and tells her, "The fairy godmother has completed her job." She says she's going home, and thanks Helen, who comes over to give her a hug. I guess all that stealing from the homeless stuff has been forgiven. I wonder how Fran would feel to see how comfortable Judith is with Helen's affection. Will comes in, with glasses of red wine for himself and Helen, and suggests that Kevin can give Judith a ride: "You shouldn't be walking around at night." Kevin says he's heading downtown anyway. Judith: "Everyone has a date tonight." Kevin says he's just covering night court. Judith mutters, "Oh…been there." Suddenly remembering herself, she turns to Joan's parents: "In my youth." They nod indulgently. Kevin opens the door to find Adam standing there nervously. He's in a suit and tie, with a slightly too-big overcoat, and his hair greased back. Not loving the hair. And for anyone who hasn't been able to see the John Cusack resemblance I mentioned well over a year ago…come on, you must be able to see it now. He's carrying a single red rose in a cellophane sleeve. Kevin wraps his coat around himself, crosses his arms and looks at Adam expectantly. Adam's confronted with his date's older brother, her best friend, and her parents -- one of whom is his teacher and the other, a cop. Poor kid. To his credit, he doesn't get too flustered: "Uh, I'm here for Joan." Nobody says anything; Helen and Judith beam at him. Will suppresses a smirk with a slightly disgruntled fatherly look. You can tell Kevin wants to give him a hard time, but lets him off with a firm clap of his hands and an "Aw!" As he passes Adam, he slaps him on the shoulder a couple of times. Judith tells him, "Dude. You are the shock and awe of cute." Aw! Adam's nervous expression hasn't changed. Will: "You can come in, Adam. You have before." He finally relaxes a little as he crosses the threshold and closes the door.
Helen calls to Joan. Will asks where they're going. Adam: "Uh, La Cachette. It's a surprise." Helen and Will smile; Helen says, "Wow." Adam looks up when he hears Joan's footsteps on the stairs. We see her feet, in open-toed black heels, first. The camera drifts up to show Joan wearing the black dress -- which actually has pink fabric flowers stitched randomly over the skirt, too, which I couldn't see before -- and carrying a little pink bag. Her hair is long and pulled back, with her long bangs parted in the middle and styled softly to one side. There's a pink flower in her hair, too. She's seen fit, for reasons best known only to her and one wacky God avatar or another, to drape a length of filmy pink lace around her neck -- and it's very Joan, but I think it kind of ruins the look. The dress doesn't need it, and it totally interferes with appreciating the dress. Still, to Adam, she looks like Botticelli's Venus. She could have sausage links draped around her neck, and Adam would still see her that way. I remark on this to Frink, who says, "Yeah, love is blind." I roll my eyes: "No. Love is kind." Joan pauses on the landing and smiles at Adam, who's dumsquizzled. She walks toward him, smiling awkwardly, waiting for him to find his vocal chords and give her some reassurance. He finally remembers the rose, and offers it to her. Nobody says anything. Will and Helen smile and gulp and are the greatest parents in the world for refraining from saying anything dopey or embarrassing right now. Adam finally says, "Uh, uh…we should go." He helps Joan put on her coat as her parents tell them to have a good time. Once they leave, Helen and Will turn to each other. Helen's waterworks are T minus one second. Will: "I'll get the Kleenex."
After the commercials, Adam and Joan are ensconced at La Cachette, and placing their order. There's a pianist playing a grand piano near them. The waiter says to Adam, "Filet mignon and steak au poivre." Adam: "Uh, steak." Waiter: "How would you like your steak prepared, monsieur?" Adam: "Um…in a pan." He affirms this with a nod. Bwah! Joan beams at the waiter. She clearly can't imagine what else the waiter could have meant, either. The waiter only misses half a beat and then says, "Very good, monsieur. Merci." Oh! How sweet. I want to reach right into the TV and leave this guy such a big fat tip for not humiliating Adam. He then takes Joan's order; "mademoiselle" decides to have the duck. The waiter collects the menus and leaves. Joan: "Awesome ordering." Adam laughs: "Thanks. So you ordered the duck. I've only seen that in the movies." Joan says the waiter recommended it: "And I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I just hope it doesn't come in a little sailor suit, like Donald." Heh. Adam laughs. Joan comments, "So…the last time we ate together, our meal came with a toy." Adam sighs, and man, if I spent the rest of the recap on it, I don't think I could tell you everything that was in that sigh. He says very earnestly, "You look so pretty, Jane." And she really does, despite the silly pink lace now wound around her neck. Joan whispers, "Really?" He nods: "Beautiful." Joan replies, "Look at you. You look like that guy from The Hives, if he wasn't such a poseur and his songs didn't suck." Good compliment, Joan. She seems to realize that didn't come out so well. Adam appreciates it nonetheless. From looking at pictures of The Hives, I can't even tell what guy she's talking about; none of them looks like Adam to me. Honest to God, has this girl never seen Say Anything? Adam: "You know, we've been stretched so thin lately…I -- I was afraid we were gonna break." Joan: "Me, too." She glances around and then asks quietly, "Can I have a kiss?" Adam's happy to comply. They stand up and lean over the table. Joan suddenly thinks about that candle in the middle, and her mother's hair catching on fire, and moves to one side. Adam follows her and gives her a quick kiss.
They sit back down, and Joan suggests they should have another roll, since there's no one around to complain they'll spoil their appetite. Suddenly Joan's distinctive cell phone ring interrupts the quiet, romantic atmosphere of the restaurant, earning her some stares from other patrons. She quickly answers it, ducking down beside the table to take the call. It's Judith, calling to find out how it's going. Way to interfere, Judith. Joan tells her it's not a good time. Judith: "Figured. That's why I called!" She giggles. Judith's outside in a slightly rough-looking neighbourhood. Some guy walks past her saying, "Dude. Get off the phone." She tells him, "Bite me, Ryan." Joan whispers, "Where are you?" Judith claims they're picking up some snacks on their way to some party. I should probably spell that "SnaX." There are two other guys with Ryan up ahead of her. Ryan tells them to hold up and comes walking back toward Judith, who's asking Joan, "So?" Joan: "It's like I won a contest!" She giggles. Judith: "Oh, yes!" Ryan tells Judith: "If this guy takes off and we don't get our stuff --" Judith smacks him on the chest and says, "Hey!" He glares and walks back to his skeevy buddies. Judith tells Joan she has to go: "Be in love, Joanith, and eat lots of dessert." ["I might have to stitch that on a pillow." -- Sars] Joan hangs up and whispers to Adam: "Judith. Sorry."
In some fairly empty, high-ceilinged room I can't really place -- an art gallery? -- a bunch of people are sprawled around, mostly on the floor, a few on the rare chair or sofa. There's some kind of balcony, with some people sitting on the edge with their legs hanging through the railings. A guy is saying, "Government doesn't care, because power only cares about itself. Corporations don't care, because they're too busy gouging you. So what's this all about? This is about us." Hmm. Gentle reader: I have been to many, many anarchist meetings and this one? Not so convincing. I spent several of my early adult years in the anarchist community so I know that most people have an incredibly addled, misinformed idea of what anarchism is about. Mind you, I've seen much worse representations than this, so I'm not going to carp too much. Luke wanders in at this point, looking for Grace. Me: "I bet this is going to be 'The Gift of the Magi,' Arcadia style." The guy continues, "It's about you and me. It's not about hierarchies, it's not about authority…" Luke spots a blonde woman in a black leather jacket and steals over to her, tapping her on the back: "Grace." She turns with a somewhat fierce look; it ain't Grace. Luke shrinks back, surprised. He approaches another woman with a similar jacket and hairstyle: "Grace?" That's not her either. Frink: "He should know by now what the back of Grace's jacket looks like, since she's got stuff painted all over it." Luke asks this one if she's seen Grace Polk. NotGrace#2 asks, "Yeah, well, what does she look like?" Luke hesitantly explains that her jacket and hair are kind of like NotGrace#2's, summarizing: "Well, kind of like you. Um -- and her, and… well everyone here, I guess." NotGrace#2 takes offence: "Are you saying we're conformists, dude?" Luke backpedals: "No! No, no, no, no! You all have very subtle differences, very distinctly subtle --" Peeved, she turns back to the speaker, who's now noticed Luke -- and unfortunately for Luke, his shoes. "Dude…those sneakers were made in Central America by children working twenty-hour days in rat-infested factories." Okay, this part is convincing. Luke: "My mom got 'em for me." The guy tells everyone to look at "the dude's" shoes. There's muttering about "selling out to the man." Luke says, "I'm just looking for my friend…" The cold reception doesn't change. Luke starts to slowly remove his shoes: "To give her these shoes…for you to burn." He tosses them on the floor. The peanut gallery murmurs, "Righteous."
Meanwhile, Grace is at the theatre, looking for Luke in an audience full of space-helmet-wearing geeks who are reciting dialogue along with the movie. She whispers, "Girardi?" She sees one blond, bespectacled pencil neck and leans in: "Girardi?" Wrong. She creeps along the aisle, pausing to quickly snatch up one kid's latex mask and then remark, "Thank God," when it turns out not to be Luke. Professor Frink refers to the fake Lukes as "fLukes." She keeps going, stage-whispering, "Girardi! Girardi!" Friedman turns around and stands up to face her: "Missing someone, Marge?" He eats popcorn. Grace enjoys some hot buttered crow. ["I don't know why, but something about the way Friedman dramatically ate his popcorn at that moment was hilarious. I rewound it about five times. I think it was the way he was sort of firing it over the transom of the helmet. Hee, Friedman." -- Sars]
Whoa, blue filter. Will drives up to some crime scene, to find Lucyfer running toward him, distraught and breathless. He's all, "What? What couldn't you tell me on the phone?" Lucyfer talks in fragments, "Teenage girl. Multiple stab wounds." Will: "And?" Lucyfer: "No ID. Just -- just a nametag and a sweater." Will looks up and sees the paramedics wheeling out a gurney, and says, "Oh, my God!" as he dashes toward it. He looks at Judith's blood-covered body and the oxygen mask on her face and asks, "Is she gonna make it?" One paramedic says, "Multiple wounds to the chest and midsection. Significant blood loss." Will grabs the guy: "It's a simple question." The paramedic replies, "She's a mess. I really don't know." Will stands there as the ambulance drives off, then turns to Lucy and says, "She goes to school with my daughter. Her name is Judith Montgomery." Lucyfer: "The name tag said Joan Girardi." Will seems puzzled. Lucyfer sobs, "I thought I was going to have to tell you -- " She turns away. Will: "Lucy[fer]…" She keeps her back turned. Will yells, "I want this whole area cordoned off! Get some lights down here! A lot of them!" Will springs into action while Lucyfer tries to pull herself together. Um, overly invested in Will, much? And: what's she doing on this investigation? Why would she have been called? And even if it were Joan, is it really smart to call her father to the scene of the crime, even if he is a cop? Wouldn't he just be instructed to go to the hospital where the victim's being taken? What is Lucyfer's deal?
Joan and Adam walk up to her door as Joan says, "This has been, like, the best night of my entire life, Adam." He smiles: "Yeah." She stops on the doorstep and says, "Um…well, I -- I know you're going to come inside, but do you think maybe we could do the goodnight kiss thing out here first?" Adam is, of course, agreeable to that. They lean in slowly and start kissing; Joan puts her hand on his shoulder and then touches his chin as Adam brings his hand to the side of Joan's face, too. Then she gently reaches back and curls her hand around his as their lips separate. You know, it's going on a year. Shouldn't these two have discovered tongue by now?
They go inside as Joan calls toward the kitchen, "Mom! The place was so good. I stole a roll for you!" Helen's on the sofa looking grim. She stands and turns toward them. Joan spots Helen and says, "Hey!" She sees her mother's expression and says, "What?" Helen just tries to steel herself: "Honey…" Joan: "Oh, God. Is it -- is it Dad?" Helen walks toward her: "No, he's fine. It's…it's Judith." Joan looks at Adam. Helen: "It's serious."
Joan, Helen, and Adam arrive at the hospital and find Judith's mother there alone, worried. Joan and Helen sit down on either side of her and Joan asks how Judith is. Fran: "They don't know. They operated, but there's so much internal bleeding. They tried to stop it, but --" Joan hastens to reassure Fran that Judith will be okay: "She'll be fine. It's Judith." Well…even a cat eventually uses up its nine lives. Fran tells Helen that her husband's coming back from the conference, but can't get a plane out until tomorrow: "But I'll -- I'll be fine." Helen says they'll stay with her. A doctor comes up and says that Judith's awake and seems to be stable "for the moment," and asks, "Is one of you Joan?" She tells Joan that Judith's been asking for her and that she should only stay a few minutes. Joan looks at Fran, who says, "I was just with her. You go. She'll be glad to see you." Joan gets up and takes Adam's hand, and they walk toward Judith's room. Adam shoots some worried glances over his shoulder at Judith's mother.
Man. For a non-medical show, this show sure has a lot of hospital scenes. Joan and Adam slowly approach Judith's bed. And for someone who's been stabbed multiple times, and suffered a ton of blood loss, Judith sure does look good. And clean. Very, very clean. A little pale, maybe, but frankly she looks better here than I do on a daily basis. I highly doubt the nurses would have had time to wash and dry her hair. Not to nitpick too much, but Judith was going into this drug deal near the beginning of Joan's and Adam's meal. Even if they stayed at the restaurant for three or four hours, which seems unlikely, or went for a walk afterward, and were out for maybe a total of five hours, that still isn't a lot of time to get stabbed, get found, get transported to hospital, get operated on, come out of anaesthesia, and be scrubbed up for visitors. Even if we add a couple of hours of waiting around the hospital, it's still not a lot of time. She only has a tube up each nostril, too. Frink can't believe she doesn't have a punctured lung, or something. And…if they haven't stopped the internal bleeding, shouldn't they still be trying to do something about it? Geez, it's not like she's a crack whore with no medical insurance. Her parents seem quite affluent. Where is the medical care, here? Adam stays near the end of the bed, looking anxious. Joan reaches down and curls a finger between Judith's fingers, gently prying her hand off the sheet. It's the same tenderness with which she touched Adam's hand when they were kissing, even if the intent is different. Judith's eyes flutter slightly and then open slowly. When she sees Joan, she says, "Hey." Joan makes an effort at a smile and returns the "hey." Judith's first question: "How was it?" Joan says it was fine. Judith looks disappointed: "That's all? Come on." Joan says it doesn't really matter now: "You should just rest." Judith: "It totally matters. Was it great?" Joan nods. Judith weakly pulls Joan down toward her: "How was the kissing?" Joan emits a small chuckle and then glances in Adam's direction, though not far enough to make eye contact, and whispers, "It was perfect." She smiles, and Judith laughs faintly.
Adam asks, "Why'd you go there, Judith? Didn't you know how stupid that was?" Joan admonishes him: "Adam." His eyes are glistening as Joan moves her eyebrows questioningly at him. In a remorseful tone, Judith replies, "I didn't really think about it." Adam: "Well, you should have thought about it." Judith nods almost imperceptibly. Adam: "You should have." Joan tells her she's going to be fine. Judith nods, but she clearly doesn't believe it. Joan shoots Adam a look. He says, "I don't think…there should be this many people in the room. I'll be outside." He leaves. Joan turns back to Judith, who tells her to forget it: "I did sorta bring you guys down." Joan denies this and sits on the bed. She tells her, "You were a bad girl. I'm gonna have to ground you." Suddenly you can see in Joan's face that the girl really has aged a bit. Judith struggles not to cry, squeezing her brows together as she confesses, "I might've really blown it this time, JoJo. Doctors, they won't look at me. And my mom, she has this look on her face." Joan: "No…" She insists Judith is going to be fine. Judith: "I think…this is the first time in my life…I ever really wanted to live. It's bad timing, huh?" Joan hears footsteps behind her; it's her father and Judith's mother. She asks what's going on. Will comes in while Fran lurks by the door. Will says he has to talk to Judith and that Joan should wait outside. Joan leaves reluctantly.
Will sits to Judith's bed. She says, "Papa Girardi." Wonder how Fran liked that? He says he'll try to be quick, but he needs her help: "Do you know who did this to you?" She doesn't: "Some slug who was gonna sell them X. I guess he thought it'd be easier to rip us off. I shoved him away. But I got in the way of his knife, I guess." Will wants her friends' names, so he can speak with them. Judith: "They didn't stay?" Man, did Sprague Grayden ever nail the perfect mixture of question and statement in her delivery of that line. Fran's face crumples when she hears that. Will says they must have been very scared. Judith nods. Fran continues trying to suppress her crying. Judith sobs a little, and noticing her mother, says, "You can lose it, Mom." Fran nods, still crying silently. I'll bet it's been a long time since Judith called her anything but Fran. Judith: "It's okay." Fran nods madly, her face contorted. She covers her face with her hands. Judith: "It's okay. It's okay." Will realizes he should leave, and gives Fran a consoling hand at the door. Fran comes over to the bed and sits to it, crying. She strokes Judith's forehead: "I -- I'm so sorry." Judith whimpers: "I'm sorry." Fran tries to shush her but Judith apologizes again, and cries some more. "I'm sorry, Mom."
Luke returns to the theatre in his sock feet. Inside, Grace is eating popcorn to Friedman, commenting, "This is totally inept, dude. It makes stupid look stupid." Friedman: "I know. And yet it endures. An evolutionary marvel." The audience is reciting the dialogue. Grace is shaking her head, saying, "I'm so on board." Friedman turns to look at her -- as best he can with the giant helmet on his head -- and says, "Yes." Grace: "What?" Friedman: "I can see it now. You and Luke." Grace: "You know, if you give us up, you'll never have kids." Friedman: "Yeah, I got that." Luke comes in at that point, and finds her sitting to Friedman: "Grace? I went to the anarchy meeting looking for you." She stands up: "I came here to the movies." Luke: "Yeah?" She nods, and glancing down, adds, "What happened to your shoes?" Luke: "They were made by, uh…kids in Central America. I burned them." Grace gets a warm look in her eyes. I cannot believe no one is shouting at them to shut up and sit down. Luke walks past Friedman and over to Grace. He kisses her. There are cheesy little electricity sounds coming from the film, which is awesome. Finally someone on the audience tells them to sit down, while others hoot their approval. Grace flings all her popcorn at them.
Out in the waiting area, Joan's fallen asleep against her mother's shoulder. Fran comes out and tells her Judith wants to see her again. Fran sighs heavily and sits down to Helen.
On her way to Judith's room, Joan pauses, closes her eyes, and prays quietly, "I know you call the shots. But I need you right now, okay? I…really…need you." She kind of nods to herself, as if to say, "That ought to do it."
When she gets to Judith's room, Doctor God is there taking her pulse. Without even looking at Judith, she walks right over to him. He says, "I'm here, Joan." She asks, "Why did you let this happen?" Judith: "It's not his fault, JoJo." Joan: "You make sure that she's okay." Judith: "JoJo." Joan tells Judith confidently, "No, he can fix this." Joan knows he can fix it, but she doesn't seem so sure he will. Judith says weakly, "Chill…don't piss off the only doctor I like." Doctor God looks at Judith and smiles. Judith: "He's the only one that'll look at me." Doctor God: "It's difficult not to look at such a beautiful person." Judith: "See? He's my angel." Does Judith recognize him, finally? From the very first episode, this show has always insisted that God doesn't appear to us; we see God -- or, more typically, we don't. Is Judith finally able to see what has been there all along? I think she is. For that matter, does she even know the truth of why Joan was at crazy camp? I've always suspected Adam's the only one she told the exact truth. And maybe Doctor Dan. I figure she hedged with everyone else. Doctor God decides to leave them alone.
Joan follows him out and demands to know why he didn't tell her this was going to happen: "I could have stopped it!" He replies, "Events unfold after choices are made, Joan." She wonders, tearfully, "But why couldn't she see all the other choices she had?" Doctor God glances at Judith through the glass: "It's about juggling, remember? Good choice, bad one. Good friends, bad ones. Light, dark. It's hard. You said so yourself." A nurse enters Judith's room, and while the door's open, she says, "Hey…Doc…don't take away my only friend…" Joan comes back into the room, as Doctor God gives Judith a smile and a fluttery Godwave. Joan's upset: "Oh…no, that's not true. You have lots of friends. Good ones." She's crying a bit. Judith: "Do not cry. I will be officially pissed if you cry." This strikes me hard, because my mother wouldn't let us cry in her hospital room when she was dying, either. Joan tries to pull it together. Judith suggests that she juggle. Joan: "What?" Judith: "You said you could do it. I wanna see." Joan's a little irritated: "No, not now." Judith's dead serious (pun definitely not intended): "You promised. You gonna back out on me when I'm in this shape?" Judith looks over at a table near the window and says, "Use those." Sniffling, Joan complies by grabbing three bandage rolls. She laughs a little before starting to juggle. She gets through one cycle before fumbling. She says she had it before, as she retrieves the bandage roll she dropped. Judith tells her she's too tense: "You need to relax." Joan tries again, goofs it up, and says, "I swear I had it before." Judith: "Don't try to control it. Just focus on the catching." Frink thinks they should be using the Chariots of Fire music here. Joan tries again, and gets through a couple of cycles this time.
Joan smiles at her improvement, saying, "Better, huh?" Her expression is glowing. She looks at Judith, who, having seen that her one true friend is getting better at catching what's coming at her, feels it's safe to go now. She says nothing, but her eyelids close in a couple of brief increments, and the machine she's hooked up to goes crazy. Joan looks at the flat line, and her face collapses: "Oh, my God! No! Judith, please! No, Judith, please!" She takes Judith's face in her hands and shakes her head. You can hear staff shouting in the background. Joan turns and shouts, "Oh, my God! Somebody! Please! Oh, God!" Medical people burst into the room and hustle Joan out. Helen and Fran rush over; Fran wants to know what's going on. They're all pushed gently outside by one of the many people attending to Judith. Fran and Helen watch through the glass in sad shock; Joan stands to Fran, coming completely unglued. She's bouncing up and down, trying to contain her panic, crying and holding her hands over face. She wails, "Oh my God…oh my God, please…" It's just agonizing. Somewhere, Allison Janney is starting to get a little nervous.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Deborah Birkett" deborah@televisionwithoutpity.com
To: "'Sarah D. Bunting'" sars@televisionwithoutpity.com
Sent: Tuesday, November 16, :16 AM
Subject: Joan of Arcadia
Sarah,
I would like to put in for a Kleenex stipend. Please advise. The sooner, the better. I'm going broke, yo.
Deborah
Joan and her mother drive up to a gas station. Joan seems to be in shock. She's absently twirling a flower in her hand. I think it's the one from her hair, because it's pink. As Helen fishes out her wallet, Joan says, "She was gonna come over tomorrow morning. We were gonna work on our project. She -- she was going to…" Joan can't continue. Helen strokes her head as Joan wells up. Joan asks, "What are we doing here?" Helen: "I need gas. And I don't want us stuck by the side of the road after all this." Joan turns to watch Helen go, so dazed she almost seems drugged. She notices Doctor God pumping gas a few feet away. She gets out of the car and walks over to him, breathless with grief and her eyes filled with tears: "How could you just do that? She's gone. How can you just fill up your stupid car?" Doctor God: "I was empty." A happy-looking couple walks out of the store at the gas station and walks past them, laughing and enjoying life. Joan shouts, "Shut up!" The couple is stunned but just moves along. Helen comes out from behind the pump and says, "Joan?" Joan goes back to berating Doctor God as Helen walks over: "You just can't go on like this! She's gone. You let her die!" Helen looks at him apologetically; Doctor God says quietly, "It's all right." Michael Chinyamurindi is a great choice for this part. He has the look of someone you could shout at for hours and he would simply gaze back at you, sympathetic but unperturbed. He rocks that majestic dignity thing. Helen gently steers Joan away to the car. Joan mouth works a bit as if she wants to say more, but nothing comes out. Helen gets Joan into the car. Doctor God looks in Joan's direction with great concern as he finishes pumping his gas.
Back at the Girardi house, Luke, Grace, and Friedman sit on the steps. It's obvious they've heard the news -- from Will, I guess. Friedman's crying a bit. Helen and Joan pull up. Joan just sits there while Helen gets out of the car. Grace walks toward the car; Helen touches her hand briefly as they pass: "Hey, Grace." Luke walks up to Helen . She sighs and touches his shoulder and asks, "Why don't you guys come inside?" Luke: "In a while." She touches Luke's face and walks toward the steps. Friedman stands up in a daze and Helen embraces him. Friedman responds gratefully.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Deborah Birkett" deborah@televisionwithoutpity.com
To: "'Sarah D. Bunting'" sars@televisionwithoutpity.com
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, :48 AM
Subject: Kleenex stipend
Sarah,
I know you're really busy trying to explain bigotry to idiots, among many other worthy projects, but this show is killing me, here.
thanks,
Deborah
Joan's managed to emerge from the car now, looking like nine kinds of hell. When she gets to where Grace is standing, waiting for her, Grace says, "Sucks." They stop on the sidewalk in front of Luke and Friedman, who says, still crying, "I coulda done the play for her tonight. I should've just asked her." Joan: "Are you saying it's your fault?" Friedman doesn't know how to respond. "Is that what you're saying, Friedman? What, do you think you're God?" Grace looks concerned for Joan. He replies, "I just meant, if I would have asked -- " Joan, angrily: "How about me, huh? Maybe if I hadn't gone on that stupid date -- maybe I killed her!" Grace: "Dude, chill." Joan shrieks: "Why? Why should I chill?" Friedman wipes away some more tears. They stand there in the damp night, trying to cope with their grief, without a clue in the world of how to do it or even how to help each other.
Inside, Helen walks over to Will, who's having a good stiff drink. "All we've been through with Kevin…he's still here." They hug each other.
Out on the porch, Grace says, "You know what I hate? Monday morning, there's going to be all these…memorials, and flowers, and stupid-ass teddy bears." I'm with her. She sits on the steps between Luke and Joan. Friedman's leaning against a short wall, looking broken. Joan agrees: "From a bunch of people who didn't even know her." Luke says Judith told him she collected PEZ dispensers. Grace smiles ever so slightly at him. Joan looks at him, not knowing what to make of this information she herself seems not to have known. Adam approaches the house slowly, and sees the four of them sitting there: "Hey." Joan, who's changed from high heels into running shoes, gets up and marches toward him. Fresh tears in her eyes, she shoves him hard and demands, "How could you? How could you just leave me?" Grace and Luke stand up, worried about just how completely Joan's going to lose it. Adam says softly that he's sorry, and walks toward Joan to make amends. She's not having it; when he comes near her she grabs him and shakes him a little: "No! How could you just leave me there?" Adam says softly that he tried, and then reiterates that loudly: "I tried, okay? I couldn't do it! Not after my mother...I couldn't…I just couldn't see someone throw her life away like that. Not again." Joan, through her tears: "She didn't…she didn't kill herself." Adam replies, "Some people do it all at once…and some people do it a little bit every day." Joan needs to remember that this is November, too. There's the faint sound of barking in the distance as Joan struggles with that: "I…I loved her. I…" Adam: "I know. And I don't know why that doesn't matter." God, neither do I. Joan sighs and lets herself fall into Adam's embrace. Friedman: "'Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love. / O dear Ophelia, I have not art to reckon my groans: but that I / love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.'" He puts his hands over his face and sniffles. Not to, like, ruin the moment, but didn't he miss a line in there? "I am ill at these numbers," right after "dear Ophelia"? Then again, it's not like I've more or less memorized Shakespeare's longest play, so maybe I should shut it. Grace gives Friedman the most sympathetic look he's probably ever going to get out of her. Adam strokes Joan's hair and holds her. Friedman walks off the porch, telling Grace and Luke, "Just give it up. Hold hands or something." He physically puts their hands together. Then he hugs them both at the same time. Boy…is that a strange picture. But wait! Did Joan see that? Was she even looking? I don't think so. Maybe she still doesn't know about Grace and Luke. Oy. Grace finally gets a little weepy, and complains, "Okay, this is just weird." Friedman lets go, smiling awkwardly through his tears.
Adam pulls something out of his pocket to show Joan; he's got some small plastic balls that light up when you switch them on. They're a light, bright blue colour when lit. "I was gonna give them to Judith for your project." Joan starts crying again. "Kind of a…thank-you…you know, for our date." He hands her the three balls, all lit up. Joan takes them and looks at them, and looks at Adam with appreciation. Dog Walker God comes cruising past and stops in front of Joan's house. Joan walks over to him with no explanation, as Adam stands there watching her. He eventually wanders back to the porch, in the standard "no curiosity whatsoever about what my wacky girlfriend Joan is doing" trance. Joan asks God, "What are you doing here? Haven't you done enough?" He says, "She loved you, Joan." Joan says she loved Judith, too: "What am I supposed to do with that now?" Dog Walker God wants to know if she ever heard a riddle about a man, his boxes, and the bridge. Joan has no patience for conundra: "S-s-s-stop. I…just want my friend back." Dog Walker God is persistent: "A man had three boxes. Each box weighed five pounds. The man weighed 190. The bridge could only support 200. How did the man make it across the bridge with all his boxes?" Joan cannot believe God is putting her through this: "This is just cruel." He insists: "How did he get across, Joan?" She waves the light balls around furiously: "He juggled. Yes. Okay! I get it! He keeps one box in the air the whole time. Yes, I get it. What -- what -- what are you saying? That if -- that if I juggled boxes across a bridge I'll see Judith again?" She's really angry. Personally, I hope if I start seeing God, and God asks me riddles, they're those ones that go, "Mr. Brown lives in a blue house with a green car. Mr. White lives in a brown house with a grey car. There's a white house to the blue house…" You know those ones? I'm good at those. ["I wish I'd had you in my pocket for the GREs; I hate those." -- Sars]
Dog Walker God starts taking the balls from Joan, explaining, "The bridge is life. The boxes hold your feelings -- your love, your joy, your pain, your loss. Everyone is crossing a bridge with more weight than they can bear. So…you juggle." Warren Zevon's song "Keep Me in Your Heart" (as performed by Jennifer Warnes and Jorge Calderón on the Zevon tribute album Enjoy Every Sandwich) begins playing. "Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath / Keep me in your heart for awhile / If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less / Keep me in your heart for awhile…" Dog Walker God starts juggling the balls, showing off a little by throwing in a trick move or two. Frink: "God needs a punch in the head." I shush him. Joan watches, until he says, "Catch." He throws her a ball, then another, then the last. Joan starts juggling; not quite as gracefully and confidently as he did, but without goofing it up, either. She's amazed at her ability and keeps tossing the balls higher and higher as Dog Walker God smiles and walks off. "When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun / Keep me in your heart for awhile…" Kevin, who likely has no clue about what happened, drives up and sees Joan managing to keep all the balls moving. From inside his car, he remarks, "All right! You got it." Joan allows herself to focus on catching the ball that's coming at her, and not to worry about the others. Luke, Grace, Adam, and Friedman all watch her, fascinated that Joan's managing this juggling act. Helen and Will look out the window to see what the kids are up to, and they smile when they see what Joan's managing to do. The camera shot switches to an overhead one, as Joan throws the balls higher and higher, and the balls soar closer and closer to the camera until finally one bright blue ball blots her out. "Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo / Keep me in your heart for awhile / Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo / Keep me in your heart for awhile."