Kevin's outside the bathroom door, hollering, "Okay, Joan, here's the thing: it's the face you were born with. There's only so much you can do!" He asks Luke, who's waiting in line behind him, to tell her about the law of diminishing returns. Luke, who's busy with some flash cards, informs Kevin that it's actually an economic principle, not a law. Kevin claps Luke on the arm to prompt him, and Luke continues, "Which states that if one factor if one factor of production is increased while others remain constant, the overall returns will relatively decrease or diminish. Thus, the term." Inside the bathroom, we see Helen sitting on the toilet (oh, the lid's down, grow up), holding a pregnancy test and checking her watch. She's wearing a little cotton nightie and a plaid pyjama top and some weird little...boots? Don't ask me. Back in the hall, Kevin says he wanted Luke to get Joan out of the bathroom: "Not bore her into a coma." Back inside, Helen looks at the result, and exhales sharply when she sees that it's positive. Yikes. In the hall, Kevin inquires about Luke's flash cards. Luke explains that they're polynomial cards for the TriMathlon: "Calculus, trigonometry...and the real bad boy, probability theorem." Kevin yells again at Joan through the door that he's going to be late. Surely they have more than one bathroom in this house? Joan walks out of her bedroom, wondering why he's yelling at her. Kevin, puzzled, starts knocking and asking who's in the bathroom. Inside, Helen is hiding the pregnancy test under some Kleenex in the wastebasket. Yeah, in the history of television...that has never, ever worked. There has never been a home pregnancy test taken and not discovered. It's a law. If you really don't want someone to discover your pregnancy test -- especially if you live with four other people -- you go to greater lengths than tucking it under some tissue and dental floss.
Will walks up to his kids in the hall and says, "We've, uh...got no water." Joan asks why. Will says it's because they have no water, and if she wants a technical explanation, she should ask the plumber in the bathroom. Helen comes out, and Will tells her there's no water anywhere in the house for at least a couple of hours. She says she noticed, and asks if anyone wants breakfast. Joan zips into the bathroom and slams the door, leaving Kevin and Luke hollering outside. She says she needs the mirror more than they do, because she's getting her driver's licence today. Luke asks Kevin, "Do you think I should start shaving?" Kevin examines Luke's face, and says no, giving it a bit of a smack. Will heads downstairs, telling Kevin to thank his boss for the great editorial that called him a racist. Luke pipes up, "I have heard you mention that Asians drive badly." Kevin says the editorial called his policies, not him personally, racist. He adds that it's his job to verify the facts for everything that appears on the op-ed page, and the facts checked out. Will: "Now my son thinks I'm a racist?" Kevin: "Policies, Dad, not you." Will replies, "I'm not defending myself to you." Kevin says he's not, either. Will: "I'm not a racist." Kevin shrugs, "The facts checked out, Dad." Will's had enough; he walks away without a word. Kevin turns back to Luke, who says, "Harsh...very harsh." Kevin: "Facts don't lie." Luke argues, "Well, agreed, however, the interpretation of facts..." But Kevin's already wheeled away. Joan emerges and complains, "There's no water." Luke: "That's the rumour." Joan: "What about my hair?" It's a little roughed up and dirty-looking. Luke tells her to wear a hat. Joan: "Hats don't work on girls! I have to talk to that plumber." Luke goes into the washroom.
Joan goes into another bathroom and asks the plumber, who's lying under the sink, how long before there's water. The plumber asks, "How long is it going to take you to get your driver's licence?" She understandably wants to know what that's got to do with anything. Plumber God sits up on his elbow and points out it's the fifth test she's scheduled: "And this will be the fifth time you cancel, and I want you not to do that." Joan: "I want to wash my hair!" Plumber God: "Well, I'm God! My needs come first. So take the test." Heh. Joan leans down and says, "You're in my house. You've never come to my house before." Well, except the time Cute Guy God was in her yard, and Postal Worker God came to the door, and then there were the radio and television announcers...but I suppose, strictly speaking, none of God's avatars have ever actually been inside the house. Plumber God says, "Of course I have!" Joan says she'll take the test, and wants to know how long before there's water. Plumber God says he's working on it. Just wondering: Would Plumber God have ass crackage?
In the bathroom, Luke studies his incredibly hairless face in the mirror, discouraged. He starts to brush his hair, and then decides to clean some hair out of the brush. Then he gets a bright idea, and decides to hold some of the loose hair up to his face to see what kind of mustache or beard it makes. Yecch. It's sort of funny, though, too. He knocks the brush into the wastebasket, and when he's fishing it out, he notices the pregnancy test box. He pulls it out and studies it for a moment, finally looking up at himself in the mirror with a confuzzled expression. He asks, "Uncle Luke?" Credits.
Helen's on the phone at school with some lying truant or other: "First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday, and second, his birthday was October 17, so you have to come to school." Heh. Luke's waiting to talk to her when she gets off the phone; he asks for a "maternal dispensation" in order to drink coffee. She reminds him their agreement was that he couldn't have coffee until he could shave. Luke explains that his TriMathlon competition is this afternoon. Helen: "Waiting for the relevance..." Luke argues that caffeine is a "proven smart drug." Then why are so many people paying five bucks a pop for a cup of coffee? Luke: "Mom, none of the other competitors have to ask their mom if they can drink coffee. Of course, most of them are seniors who shave. If I medal in this TriMathlon, it's $30,000 toward a scholarship at MIT." "Medal" in it? Yeesh. Math's important, bud, but so's English. Helen: "Fine. For thirty grand, drink coffee." Luke: "Plus, unlike most of the competitors, I'll need a ride home from the event." Frink yells from his office door, where's he programming an Access database for a client but can overhear me recapping, "Tell them to stop making Luke such a loser!" Then we get into a ten-minute through-the-walls discussion of whether or not Luke's being stereotyped or characterized as a loser, my point being that I think we need to give the show a little more time to develop all the characters. We're only ten shows in, and there are five major characters and about twice as many secondary characters (not even counting all of the God avatars) and there's only so much screen time to go around. But I think the show requires -- and will reward -- the patience of viewers. I think I've won Frink over, but I can hear him singing softly, "All we are saying...is give geeks a chance."
Anyway, Helen asks, "Won't the cheering crowd bear you home upon their shoulders?" Geez, Mom, cut the kid some slack. You think Joan's going to win any five-digit scholarships? Weren't you worried about paying for the kids' education just a little while ago? You'd think she could be a little supportive or excited for him. Luke: "You're mocking..." He starts to walk out and bumps into Joan, who's coming in wearing a toque. Wow. It's a bad hair day and a bad hat day all in one. Luke's all nervous about bumping into his "pregnant" sister, asking, "God, are you all right?" Joan: "Step off, weirdo." Luke cautions her to be careful before he leaves. Joan asks her mother, "What's with him?" Helen says fondly, "He's the nice one in the family. And no, you can't go home just because your hair looks funny." Joan asks if she remembers that her driver's test is today at lunch. Helen forgot: "Well, I'm not going to give you an excuse to cancel. I'll get Marlene to cover for me." Joan waves a limp hank of hair at her mother and asks sadly, "How funny does my hair look?" Helen says, "The hat is cute." Joan sighs, "I'm never going to get a boyfriend." Helen says she's okay with that. Joan gives her a stink-eye and leaves. Helen: "?" A kid steps up with his finger stuck in a volumetric flask.
Toni comes into Will's office with the newspaper and asks if he read it. He says he did, but she reads it out loud anyway: "'Chief Girardi's zero tolerance for graffiti misdemeanours and moving violations is nothing more than institutionalized racism targeting the young African-American male." Will says, "I read it." He's putting on his coat, prompting her to ask where he's going. He's off to speak at an elementary school. She asks if he's going to show them his gun, but he says he's going to lock it in his glove compartment: "I don't want them staring at my gun and asking me how many bad guys I've killed." As he's about to leave, she says, "Chief...this is a good policy." She pauses. "Not that you asked." Will says, "According to my son -- a fact checker -- we arrested 107 men between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four last month. Eighty-two of them were either black or Hispanic." Toni: "Tagging leads to gang wars, gang wars mean drive-bys, which definitely count as moving violations." Will asks, "Can I ask you something?" Toni replies, "As an African-American?" Will: "No, as a cop. Is that article going to stop my guys on the street from doing their job?" Toni: "All they need to know is that zero tolerance is zero tolerance, no matter what colour the perp behind the wheel. Tell you what: I will personally bust a rich white guy today." Please let it be the mayor. Will laughs and says he'll be back in an hour.
Marlene notices Helen working absentmindedly, and points out she ran out of staples five minutes ago. Helen claims she doesn't know what's wrong with her today. Marlene: "Are you having an affair?" Helen: "No." Marlene: "Is it Price?" Ewww! She adds, "You're covering up, pretending you hate him?" Helen: "No." The hate is real. Believe me. Helen whispers that she might be pregnant. Marlene: "By Price?" Geez. You just know she's sitting around writing Helen/Price fanfic. Helen tells her to stop it or she'll staple her. Marlene asks if she's gone to a doctor; Helen tells her about the home test, but questions the accuracy of such tests. Marlene says, to Helen's dismay, that they're about 99 percent accurate. Marlene adds that the Pill is only about 90 percent effective, "Which should be plenty, for a woman who's been married as long as you have." Helen: "Oh, well, you don't know my husband, he's really..." Okay, too much information there, for us, and definitely for Marlene. She leers, "Oh, well, serves you right, then..." Helen agrees: "It sorta does." She tells Marlene to keep it on the down low; Will doesn't even know. Marlene tells her not to look so happy: "Remember having your last baby?" Of course Helen does: "It's only...fifteen years ago." Marlene laughs: "The realization sinks in!" Helen looks serious and says she's not all that great a mother. Marlene tells her she's hormonal.
Joan and Grace are at their lockers, and Joan gets up the nerve to ask Grace if her hair looks funny. Grace: "Your hair always looks funny." She laughs, and says, "Sometimes it just pops into my head, and I just laugh." She laughs some more. Come on, just kiss already. Joan looks down the hall, and notices Adam shuffling along, wearing a black hoodie with the hood pulled up over his head. I'd say he looks like the Grim Reaper, but the Grim Reaper is usually depicted with a jollier expression than Adam has. Joan calls out to him, but when he hears her, he gives her a sad look and walks the opposite way. Luke's down the hall at his locker, watching all this go down. Joan sighs to Grace, "He's never going to forgive me." Grace says, "The dude has a photographic memory. Every time he thinks he's going to forgive you, the image of you smashing his artwork just pops into his head. Not that I've...discussed it with him." She hustles away. Joan looks down the hallway toward Luke, who's standing awkwardly near his locker, staring at her. She gives him a "What's your problem?" glare and stalks off.
Will's driving to the school. At a stop sign, he decides it's a good time to put his gun in his glove compartment. Unless this is absolutely the first time you have ever watched a television program or a movie, you know this is a bad idea that can only lead to something horrible. I don't know; I just don't believe too many cops would ever do this. While he's at the intersection, a 1989 Mercedes 420 SEL runs through without stopping, and Will gives chase, while calling dispatch so they can run the license plate. He relays, "Java Rocket Lucky, One Adam Nine." "Java Rocket" whuh? He's just making up his own phonetic alphabet? This guy is just all over the map, normal police protocol-wise. Though the use of "Adam" is...interesting. I do know the NATO phonetic alphabet -- come on, I've been married to Frink for over six years, I would have to know it by now -- but Frink enjoys pointing out that it should be "Juliet Romeo Lima One Alpha Nine." Within about three seconds it's determined that the car belongs to Judge Donald Baker. The dispatcher tells him, "Chief, if you decide to let him go, your secret's safe with me." Will reaffirms the zero tolerance policy.
Luke, with a fistful of flash cards and a big cup of coffee, is walking along with Friedman, who's also gulping coffee. Friedman brags, "I rule trig the way Britney rules Justin." Well, that ain't saying much. Luke says, "Silver's mine, unless that albino kid from Blakelock edges me out." Friedman assures Luke that that kid will take the gold in calculus. Luke says it all comes down to probability theorem. Friedman says there's no studying for that: "It's all about how fast you are on your feet. Hit the caffeine, that's my advice." Luke sees Grace talking to Adam up ahead. Actually, they seem to be having a mild disagreement. Friedman sees him looking and complains, "You are so fixating on that marge." Luke says he's not: "I'm fixating on Adam Rove." Friedman: "Natural step, my gay friend." Oh, shut it, Friedman. Luke says he has to talk to Adam for Joan. Friedman: "Dude! You are TriMathloning. Splitting your focus is bad tactics. Plus, do you even speak -- bebop bebop -- spaceman language?" Because it can never be said enough: Shut it, Friedman.
Will walks up to the driver's door. We can presume he doesn't have his gun. Come on: an unarmed cop approaches a car he's stopped -- alone? A twenty-year veteran of the force? I don't care if he thinks it's the Archangel Gabriel driving the damn car; I just don't buy it. Beside which, if he thinks Judge Walker's such a stand-up guy, why's he driving like that? It hasn't crossed Will's mind that the car could be stolen? The Credulity Strain-o-Meter is not happy, people. It's grimacing under the load. The driver rolls down the window as Will approaches, and has his hand up over his face. In the driver's side mirror, Will can see an extensive spider-and-web tattoo on the driver's hand. Hmm. Probably not Judge Walker. Will reflexively reaches for his weapon, but even if he had it, he'd probably have been screwed, because the perp's already pulled a gun on him, saying, "I'm gonna tell you everything just once. Get behind the wheel. That was your last freebie!" The gun is cocked, and the guy moves over. Will complies, and the guy says, "All right: buckle up! We don't want to get pulled over." The perp, a young white guy who apparently played Cheddar Bob in 8 Mile, which I haven't seen yet, is here named Bob Morrison. So I think we can just keep calling him Cheddar Bob. He says, "Let's vamoose." Will calmly asks, "Where to?" Cheddar Bob says, "Oz, Neverland, I'll decide when we get there. Let's go!" Will drives off, leaving his car behind, blue lights flashing.
Kevin's at work. Rebecca asks, "How was breakfast this morning?" Kevin taps a wrapper on his desk and says, "Tasty." Rebecca: "I meant with your father." Kevin: "Testy." Heh. She gives him a questioning expression, but Kevin says he's not comfortable discussing it. She replies, "Fair enough...it's just that I'm not usually in a position to hear the firsthand effects of my editorials." Kevin: "Well, no offense, but you still aren't. I have to think of my family." Rebecca: "As long as it doesn't affect your job. You're a fact checker, you have to be objective." He says he checked the statistics she gave him: "And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find out if an ostrich's eye really is bigger than its brain, and if there's any word that rhymes with 'silver.'"
Even though they're not in the police station, the scene's all blue and grey. Will suggests that maybe Cheddar Bob could point his piece somewhere else, though he refrains from suggesting that he stick it in his gob and pull the trigger. Cheddar Bob says, "Ten and two, buddy, let me see ten white knuckles." He reaches into Will's coat and pulls out his wallet. He gets it on the first try, which strikes me as odd, since men seem to keep their wallets all over the place. He asks Will why he pulled him over. Geez, not exactly a Rhodes scholar, is he? He was only driving like a maniac. Will says he ran the stop sign. Cheddar Bob says, "You're not a uniform." Will thought he was somebody else. Cheddar Bob: "Well, you got that right: I am definitely somebody else." He checks out Will's wallet and finds out he's Chief of Police. He's pretty pleased with his catch. Then he complains, "Thirteen bucks?" Will: "I got a wife and kids." Frink laughs himself silly over this. Cheddar Bob: "Oh, that changes everything. Wife and kids? There's a free pass for that one." Will says he was explaining why he only has thirteen dollars: "But I do advise you to let me go." Cheddar Bob (who's waving the gun pretty high; if I were a passenger in the car behind them, I think I would notice that the driver was being threatened) says, "Multiple choice: A, I shoot you in the face and let you go; 2, I shoot you in the heart and let you go. D, you shut up, you drive." A, 2, D? Like I said: not a Rhodes scholar. Will: "Hell, a full tank and thirteen bucks, I'd pick C." Cheddar Bob: "Don't forget about the 'shut up' part."
Luke, still slurping coffee and studying flash cards, passes Adam on the stairs and decides to intervene. Oh, God, this should be weird. He asks, "Do you know who I am?" Adam studies him like it's a trick question and replies with uncertainty, "Luke Girardi?" Luke is aware that Adam knows his name, and asks, "Do you know what we have in common?" Adam: "Um...we're in AP Chem together and...we're both guys." Luke: "Yes, yes! We're both males. We're not females." Adam looks around like he might be on Candid Camera or something. Luke continues, "And as such, we find females difficult." Adam: "O...kay." Luke: "One girl in particular." Adam's not following. Luke says he's Joan's brother. Adam knows. Luke: "I would like to speak to you on her behalf." Adam's listening but not following at all. Luke: "Okay, you're not gonna help me through this at all, are you?" Adam: "Through what?" Luke: "Maybe it's none of my business, but I know what I know, and I can't un-know it, so I'm trying to help." Adam's tired of this and walks away, saying, "She smashed my art, man." Luke follows him, saying she's really sorry about that, but that he has to get past it. Adam would like to know why. Luke: "Because one smashed sculpture looks pretty small given other upcoming issues you guys have to face together." Adam: "What happened, happened, okay? There's no taking it back. She has to deal with the fallout. I'm out of her life, man." He wanders off, leaving Luke looking like he's not especially impressed with his sister's taste in boys. Speaking of which: I know Adam is the more likely suspect for father, but how does he know it's not what's-his-face, KleptoBoy...Clay? It easily could be.
Joan and her mom are at the DMV or MVA or whatever it's called in Maryland, and Helen's quizzing her before her test. Joan's sitting there with that bored, glazed look she does so well. She doesn't answer her mother, and eventually complains that she doesn't even want to get her driver's licence. I don't blame her. I'm almost 39 and I've never gotten mine. Helen wants to know why they're there. Joan: "Exactly." Some guy calls Joan's name. Do you think she'd get God as her driving examiner? That'd be rough. Helen points Joan out (with a "yoo-hoo," which cracks me up), and Joan schleps off to take her test. Helen: "Knock 'em dead, honey." Nice. Joan waves her keys apathetically at her mother.
Cheddarmobile. A phone rings, and Cheddar Bob looks nervous. Will: "Relax. It's called a cell phone. How long were you in for, anyway?" For some reason, Will's cell phone is perched up on the dashboard. Cheddar Bob picks it up and demands, "Who's Helen?" Will tells him. Cheddar Bob: "Well, let's say 'howdy' to Helen, huh?" Will asks why. Cheddar Bob thinks she might know if they're out looking for Will: "What's our phrase of the day?" Will: "Good judgment." Cheddar Bob holds the phone up for Will, who says, "Hi, honey!" as naturally as possible. Helen tells him Joan's taking her driving test, in case he wants to alert the force. He thanks her for the warning. She says, "I need to talk to you about something." He tells her now's not such a great time. She agrees; she wants to see his face, anyway. Will: "I need to see your face, too." Helen: "Was that a little bit romantic?" Will: "Best I can do in my current situation." Cheddar Bob's watching him carefully. Will says, "Listen, I had a little argument with Kevin this morning..." Cheddar Bob loses it and tosses the phone out the window. Frink and I agree that that was pretty stupid, since he might want a phone himself for any number of reasons. He could have just hung up. This fellow certainly exhibits the poor impulse control and lack of foresight typical of the criminal element. Helen: "Will? Will?" Cheddar Bob chortles sharply and asks, "Can you hear me now?" Frink and I laugh, but I wonder how many Verizon commercials this guy could have seen in the joint. Interesting that it was more important to Will to make sure he said something about the argument with Kevin than to tell Helen he loved her. Also, I'm wondering if Frink and I should work out some sort of "something's seriously wrong" or "I've been abducted" code. I don't mention this to Frink, though, because my paranoia doesn't always align with his "be wildly overprepared" ethic, and I think this might be one of those times when it doesn't.
Luke and Friedman are at the AP Chem desk, though no one else seems to be there. Luke's leg is bouncing like crazy, and he and Friedman are discussing the TriMathlon questions. Luke is really hyper and has obviously had way too much caffeine. Friedman: "Why are you talking so fast?" Luke: "Why are you listening so fast?" Hee. Friedman declares Luke a nervous wreck. Luke says it's not about the TriMathlon. Friedman: "You're going to choke, man! You gotta find that cerebral place..." Luke: "My sister had sex with Adam Rove." Dude. You so did not just tell one of the worst people you could tell that to. Oh, man. Friedman asks, "What?" at the same time as Luke says, "What?" Friedman: "Your sister did the big bang with Adam Rove?" Luke: "Shut up! How do you know?" Friedman: "Does Rove even have all the necessary...equipment?" Luke: "Quit talking about it!" Friedman points out that Luke brought it up. Luke says he didn't mean to: "And you should hear what I'm not telling you, okay, so shut up!" Friedman: "Dude...let the caffeine flow through you...don't fight it."
Joan shuffles morosely toward her mother, and Helen says, "Don't worry about it, honey. Everybody fails it the first time." Joan says she didn't fail. Someone calls her name in a strangely familiar voice. Joan goes over to the counter. The MVA clerk is the woman who played Joey's museum co-worker Rhonda in the Friends episode where Joey attempts to break down the class barriers in the cafeteria between the scientists and the low-level employees. She was the one who stood up and yelled about her breasts not being real. She congratulates Joan: "This is a significant milestone in your life. You're apprehensive -- just like you were when you got a training bra -- and that's good." Joan looks slightly mortified and kind of clutches at her cardigan. MVA God continues, "Driving is a big responsibility." Joan asks if MVA God arranged for her to pass. MVA God: "Uh-uh. I don't interfere in that way. You passed fair and square." I don't know. I've seen some drivers out there who couldn't have passed their test any other way than by the grace of God, so I'm not sure I'm buying this. MVA God takes Joan's picture as Joan babbles about having a bad hair day. MVA God so does not care about that. She says, "Now that you have your licence, I want you to use it -- today." Joan wants to know what the rush is: "Sixteen years I haven't driven, and you know what? It's been great." MVA God: "Your licence will be ready in five minutes. !" Joan gives MVA God a shirty look.
Outside, Helen studies the picture on Joan's licence, telling her it's not so bad. It ain't good, either. From the licence, we learn that Joan's full name is Joan Agnes Girardi. Agnes? Should we be concerned that she's named after not one, but two martyred virgins? (Particularly in light of her later remark in this episode.) Also, if I can make out the date correctly, her birthday is April 21 or 23 or 25. Taurus? I would totally buy that. Amber Tamblyn is a Taurus herself, though her birthday is May 14 (same day as Professor Frink's). Now that I look at the licence a few more times, on this low-and-getting-lower-definition TV, I wonder if it says 11-04-1987. Also, I suddenly remember that in the American system, they persist in putting the months first (which makes no sense to much of the rest of the world), which would make her birthday November 4. Which would be a continuity error, since she was already sixteen when the series started and the months seem to have matched up to real months. Plus, she's cancelled four driver's exams in the last month? Seems unlikely. But I'm probably wrong about the April date, unless Maryland has decided to go against the grain and adopt the sensible system of day-month-year. Argh. Characters' birthday continuity issues drive me crazy. I can overlook a lot, but these make me nuts. If you can't even plan and commit to birth dates for your major characters, how much else are you going to get right? ["MVA has a graduated licensing program; the provisional license is the one Joan is presumably taking the test for, and the minimum age for that is sixteen years and one month. The episode aired on December 5, so the birthday thing is about right if her birthday is November 4, but if that's correct, then the cancellation thing is a factual error." -- Sars] Joan complains, "I look like Coolio." Well, I don't personally see that. Helen: "Well, Coolio, you wanna wheel us back to school?" Joan begs off. Unlike almost every other kid in the universe, who can't wait to tear off in a car the minute they're allowed to, she's not interested. Helen: "I see what's happening..." Joan: "Mom!" Helen says that when they first removed her training wheels, she chipped a tooth: "Roller blading, you broke an arm...snowboarding, you tore a groin muscle." Good thing Dad probably has decent health insurance. Joan: "Are you saying I'm a klutz?" Helen: "I understand. You're scared. Having someone in the family who was hurt so badly in a car accident, well, it's -- it is a caution. Sometimes I'm scared to get in the car, but I do, because...it's a necessary part of life, so..." She holds the keys out to Joan, who says, "Maybe time." Helen doesn't push.
Will tries to elicit information from Cheddar Bob: "You on parole?" Cheddar Bob replies, "Listen, this ain't a date. We don't gotta conversate. You drive, I point the gun." Will: "You got that jailhouse stink. How long you been out? Did you even make it a month?" Cheddar Bob bashes Will on the neck with the grip of the gun. Of course, Will crumples in pain and swerves all over the road, but somehow doesn't hit anything. Cheddar Bob laughs, saying, "Watch the road there, Chief. We don't want to get in an accident!" Will, his shoulder wrenched in pain, says, "I think you broke my collarbone!" Cheddar Bob: "No. But I will time. Ten and two!" Will says he can't: "My arm is numb." Cheddar Bob pokes him, and Will says, "Okay, okay. You made your point." He keeps driving.
Helen hurries into work, apologizing to Marlene, "MVA." Marlene, grim-faced, says, "There's someone here to see you." Helen looks up, as Toni and a uniformed officer come in. Helen sees the carefully composed look on Toni's face and stops breathing; Toni puts her hands together in a gentle gesture, and Helen starts crying. She backs up into the corner created by the file cabinet and the window, saying, "Oh...no! No!" She clutches the window blind, sobbing, as twenty years of being a cop's wife come crashing in on her. Man, if Mary Steenburgen doesn't get an Emmy, it will just be a total joke.
Rebecca walks over to Kevin's desk, but before she can anything, he says, "Hey, tell me some fairy tales about 'objective.' I went into the stacks to find the statistics you didn't use: eight fewer gang-related deaths throughout the county?" Rebecca tells him he has to go home. Kevin's not listening: "You said there was nothing to support the police chief's policies. What are these? You just chose not to see them, so you could smear my father?" Rebecca leans down and says, "Kevin, your father is missing." Kevin, after a moment: "What's that mean: 'missing'?" Rebecca says he may have been taken hostage: "The city desk heard it on the police scanner." Kevin asks if his mother knows. Rebecca says they've taken her home in case there's a call. How does she know that? Kevin says he has to go, and wheels out in a hurry.
Cheddar Bob fiddles with the radio and asks, "Are you sure you're the chief of police? Somebody should be missing you by now." Will: "I'm not that popular." Cheddar Bob: "Well, that's good to know when the shootin' starts." Will mentions that there's an upcoming on-ramp. Cheddar Bob doesn't like the idea of being on the highway, and says they're going to go the back way. Will asks if there's someplace particular he wants to go. Cheddar Bob: "There's someplace particular I don't want to go." Will asks what he was in for: "Manslaughter, that's the vibe I'm getting...not murder one." Cheddar Bob: "Yeah, well, dead's dead. Why quibble?" He tells Will to go straight. Will tries again: "I've got a wife. I've got kids. They still need me. I'm not like you. I've got others who depend on me. People I've gotta worry about." Cheddar Bob's deeply moved by all this: "Hmm. Well, the only person you gotta worry about today is me, Chief. Go straight!"
The cops are setting up computers and wiretaps all over the Girardi house. Helen's asking Toni why Will would have made a traffic stop without his gun. Kevin's there, too. Toni explains what Will thought. Helen: "Obviously, Judge Baker didn't take my husband hostage." Well, just how well do we know this Judge Baker? If he's anything like some of the wacky judges David E. Kelley comes up with, who knows? Toni says the car was stolen by a man named Robert Morrison. Kevin: "What kind of judge doesn't get LoJack?" Helen asks how the judge knew who Bob was. Toni says that Morrison was meeting with his parole officer and Judge Baker, who was going to send Morrison back to prison. Helen asks about how bad a guy Morrison is. Toni: "Nobody the Chief can't handle, Mrs. Girardi." Helen: "Please...I've been a cop's wife for over twenty years..." Toni tells her the guy shot both the judge and the parole officer, and the parole officer's dead. Both Helen and Kevin draw back a bit. Helen: "So...my husband is with an armed killer who's desperate to get away?" Kevin: "Well, I feel better, don't you, Mom?" Helen stands up and asks why there are so many cops in their house: "They should all be out looking for Will." Toni: "We've got everybody mobilized; the staties are covering the freeways. We'll find the Chief." Toni starts to leave and Helen says, "Hey, I -- I don't want my kids to hear about this on the news." So, shouldn't someone go get them to make sure that doesn't happen? Toni says they've got a media blackout for another two hours: "Give the chief a chance to persuade Morrison to let him go." Huh? Shouldn't they be splashing the license plate and car identification info all over the place? Toni asks if Helen wants her to send a unit to get the kids. Helen declines: "My son has this math thing..." Kevin: "TriMathlon." Helen: "Very important to him. He asked me for special permission to drink coffee." Kevin and Helen laugh gently about this. Helen: "No, we'll -- we'll let him do his math. Joan can drive him home." In what vehicle? Toni leaves. Kevin gives her a questioning look, and Helen says, "She got her licence today." Kevin: "God, it's just one disaster after another." Helen doesn't say anything, and he apologizes. She puts her hands on his arm.
Time for some comic relief, and Friedman...needs to be dope-slapped (tm DrForkius). He sidles up to Joan at her locker. Oh, God. This should be painful. He asks, "You coming to watch the TriMathlon?" She titters weakly and replies, "Yeah, right." He's got one arm straight up the wall of lockers as he "seductively" brags, "I intend to walk away with the gold in trigonometry." No doubt there are girls who might swoon over this, but what on God's green earth makes him think Joan is one of them? Joan: "Good for you." Friedman, undeterred: "Trig is..." He looks around. "Triple-X extreme...math." Frink and I are just cringing and snorting. Joan: "I guess that makes you...Tony Hawk then." He says, "If you give me your digits I'll reduce them to an imaginary number." I really and truly am not making this up. Frink finds it all very comical. Joan: "You're Luke's friend; you know my number." He drops his hand over her locker door and says, "That's not the same as you giving it to me." Luke comes along just in time to see this: "What are you doing? Are you hitting on my sister?" Friedman: "It's just a conversation between a man and a woman." Luke sputters, "More like a woman and a boy with aspirations to manhood! Aspirations which sprung from a very private and extremely sensitive conversation!" He asks Joan, "Is he hitting on you?" Joan doesn't quite know what to say, and Friedman starts backing away, making that phone receiver gesture with his thumb and pinky, and mouthing the words, "Call me." I hate that gesture, and no, I don't have a good logical reason why. I just do. Joan just gives him a dubious look and then asks Luke why he's talking so fast. He trips over his words as he tells her she has to drive him home: "Mom left the keys in the office. Congratulations on getting your license although it really does confirm my skepticism about the testing criteria." He babbles on about trying to hold off peeing for the two hour TriMathlon thing while Joan gently takes away his coffee cup. She tells him: "Luke. Stop. Drinking. Coffee." Luke: "Why? My mind has never been so clear!" He grabs the cup and zooms off.
Will pulls the Cheddarmobile into some kind of industrial area, construction site, what-have-you. Will says, "You're not a killer. If you were, you would have shot me when I pulled you over." Cheddar Bob puts the gun up to Will's head and says, "Ding ding, this is my stop."
Out in the garage, Kevin is sanding the framework of the boat hull. I'm sure there's a technical term for these pieces, but I can't think of it. If it were a house, they'd be joists. Frink: "Wow, Arcadia's got everything, even dinosaur ribs." Maybe they're called ribs, actually. While I'm musing about this, Frink is going on about how the thing looks like the plates of ribs on The Flintstones. Anyway. Bet you didn't think you'd ever see or hear of this boat again, did you? Helen comes out and stands there a bit before saying, "The last time I felt like this was the night of your accident." Kevin: "Yeah, but...you knew I'd be okay...and that I'd live." Helen admits that's true. Kevin says he knew he'd make it, too. Kevin says, "I remember the car flipping, and it was noisy...it was really noisy...and then, I must have been unconscious, because the thing I remember was quiet...except for the radio, which got stuck on a classical station, which was weird, because it wasn't what we'd been listening to." Good thing it didn't get stuck on Black Sabbath's "Trashed." Kevin: "It was like a -- a dream, this -- this beautiful music in the dark...and I didn't feel any pain." He pauses. "I was glad then, but now I know pain would have been good. And then when I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's...face...and I wondered, 'Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?'" Hee! Jason Ritter is really good at mixing humour and pathos. Helen smiles. Kevin: "Why do I keep making jokes?" Helen says, "You had a fight this morning." Kevin nods. Helen: "Times like this, we all have something that we wish we'd said, or something we wish we hadn't said. The night of your accident, you and your father argued. Do you remember?" He doesn't. I think the moral of the story is: Kevin and Will should not argue. Badness ensues. She says, "At the hospital, your father asked me, 'Kevin knows that I love him, right? That I'll always love him?'" Kevin asks, "Did you tell him 'yes'?" His mother says, "Of course. And that's what I'm telling you. He knows." Kevin nods. His eyes are watery. God, it's really hard not to think about John Ritter and feel sorry for Jason Ritter here.
Cheddar Bob's got Will out of the car now, and Will's walking ahead of him at gunpoint. Will tells him he's got three kids, and his oldest is in a wheelchair: "My wife's a good woman, she doesn't deserve any more tragedy in her life." Cheddar Bob's all sympathetic: "Come on, you're insured to the eyeballs!" Will asks if he ever depended on anybody. Cheddar Bob instructs him to walk "over there." Will: "Anybody ever depend on you? If nobody ever depended on you, then you're a child -- you're not a man." Cheddar Bob: "I'm not the baby pleading for his life!" Will says he's not pleading for his life: "I mean something to people. I don't expect you to understand what that's like." I presume this is Will's approach to psyching out Cheddar Bob, and provoking him to identify with his responsibilities. Either that, or it's a pretty wack attempt at not getting killed. Cheddar Bob comes close to Will, and Will manages to knock him to the ground and start running at him, but Cheddar Bob collects himself quickly and has his gun on Will again right away. Suddenly some loud music starts blaring nearby and you can hear party voices. Cheddar Bob moves to take a look and sees that there are a bunch of teenagers having a little bonfire party nearby. He orders Will back to the car.
Joan's sitting on the stairs at school, waiting for Luke. Man, if she's got so little to do anyway, why not watch the TriMathlon? The hallway's empty except for some weird academic type, surveilling the hall with some kind of radio wave-intercepting equipment that looks like an exaggerated megaphone. Man, you just know this guy's an avatar. Joan smirks to herself and asks what he's doing. He pulls his headphone aside, and says in a very John Cleese-ish voice, "Checking for radio emissions." Must have left his tinfoil hat at home. He's not unlike a grey-haired John Cleese in physical appearance and mannerisms. He explains that at last year's TriMathlon, a participant was having data "beamed to him by an accomplice." He waves his Whatever Technology (tm Gustave) thingamajig over Joan, who says she's not beaming anything: "I'm just waiting for my brother to finish." TriMathlon Cop God says, "At which point you will drive him home. Correct?" Joan: "I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?" TriMathlon Cop God: "Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?" Joan says he knows everything: "Why don't you tell me?" He sits down beside her, positing that maybe Helen's right, and she's afraid of ending up like Kevin. Joan says maybe her mother's right. TriMathlon Cop God: "Balderdash! You've always been a headstrong, brave child, not overly concerned with your own well-being -- a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgment might entail consequences...consequences like those..." Joan: "Like Kevin?" God silently assents. Joan: "That's -- that's why I don't wanna drive...I mean, isn't that -- isn't that a pretty good reason?" TriMathlon Cop God: "Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being...it means risking others'." Isn't that kind of at odds with what Will's been telling Cheddar Bob? He continues: "In cars, in love, in family...hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others, even when you don't want to." Joan replies, "Then there's a flaw in the design -- and whose fault is that?" TriMathlon Cop God: "It might help if you think of the universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design, it's just -- " Joan: "Obstacles?" TriMathlon Cop God: "Time's up!" Before he goes, he tells her firmly, "Take your brother for a drive in the country."
The TriMathletes start shuffling out of the room. Friedman, luckily, doesn't notice Joan. Luke comes over to Joan, and he seems happy: "I went to another place. Like, I reached another plane of crystalline thought in probability theorem." Joan says if she wants to hear about his genius, she'll ask. Luke: "Of course. Boring. Sorry." She stands up, and Luke leaps forward to help her, eliciting a puzzled look from Joan. As they walk slowly along, Luke tells her he talked to Adam about their relationship. Joan: "Who told you to do that?" Then: "What did he say?" Luke: "He's not going to be a part of this, Joan." She looks unsurprised and says, "Oh." Then she asks, "Part of what?" Luke: "I know, okay? You left evidence in the bathroom." She doesn't know what he's talking about. Luke says, "I know you're pregnant." Joan looks utterly shocked and horrified, and quickly looks around to see who might have overheard. Luke continues, "And obviously Adam is the father." Joan gasps, "Oh my God...you are really on another plane, aren't you?" Luke: "Adam's not the father?" Joan quickly explains, whispering the last word, "I'm not...pregnant." He wants to know why there was a pregnancy kit in their bathroom: "Because I'm not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves..." Joan: "Mom." Luke: "Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three..." Joan puts one hand over her ear, and says, "Aaah! Eww?" Luke, the big expert, insists the probability is low. He asks, "So what do we do with this?" Joan: "Nothing. Nothing. We're going to let her tell us, and...be grossed out...but really happy." Luke: "Yeah, I'm comfortable with that."
Dusk has fallen over Arcadia. Now Will and Cheddar Bob are driving through the dark, outside of the city, I guess. Cheddar Bob insists there is someone who depended on him. Will asks, "You want the man you're going to murder to have a good opinion of you? Screw you." Is that good psychology, to talk as if the deed is a foregone conclusion? Even if you believe it is? I wouldn't do that, personally. Not in this situation. Cheddar Bob says it's Will's own fault: "No gun, no uniform. What'd you pull me over for? Dumbest cop I ever saw." Will explains, not that Cheddar Bob's going to get it: "I had something to prove to my son. So I pulled over a rich white guy. You couldn't understand. You don't care about anybody's good opinion, and nobody cares about yours." Cheddar Bob: "Shut up." Will: "What are you going to do, kill me twice?" Cheddar Bob shouts at him to shut up: "I got people that care! Quit sayin' I don't! I got a kid! I'm no use to her in jail." Will: "You don't have anybody." I can't tell if Will really believes this or not. Cheddar Bob replies, "If I gotta hurt your family for my own...tough! That's the way it goes." Will insists Cheddar Bob doesn't have a family. Cheddar Bob says he's going to show him what he's dying for. He takes off his seatbelt, and, trying to keep the gun on Will, starts fishing in his pocket for his wallet. He turns his head a little and Will, seeing his opportunity, takes it by steering the car sharply so that Cheddar Bob's head is thrown against the side window; then he keeps flooring it, and heads straight for a tree. He tries to hit it so that there's more impact on Cheddar Bob's side, and pretty much manages it. The car crashes and bounces back a couple of feet. It sits there, steaming. The windshield on the passenger side is broken and there's blood in the glass. Both Cheddar Bob and Will are unconscious. No airbags deploy.
After the commercial, Will comes to, slightly. He's got a bloody hairline gash on the left side, as does Cheddar Bob, who's still out, or dead. Will reaches over and takes the gun, and then looks at his abductor for a moment. Then he takes the wallet out of his hand, and opens it up to a picture of Bob with a young blonde girl, maybe eight or nine. He tucks the wallet back in Cheddar Bob's hand.
Joan and Luke are driving through the dark. Luke sighs and suggests they go home now. Joan: "Relax! Who knew I'd be such a good driver?" She starts fooling with the radio (and we notice it's 6:37 PM). Luke lectures her, "The probability of an accident is directly proportional to the number of distractions." She asks why he's so nervous. He explains that for the TriMathlon, he designed a probability scenario, factoring in age, gender, driving experience, temperament, and familiarity with the vehicle: "I computed the probability of my sister having an accident on her first day of driving, and guess what? We're on borrowed time." Joan wonders if having an accident is as likely as getting struck by lightning. Luke says it's higher. Joan: "Shark attack? Drowning? Meteor hit? Mom getting pregnant?" Luke replies, "Yeah, more likely than all those."
We see Will trudging along a dark road, exhausted and bleeding.
Luke: "Why does Mom have a map of Florida in her car?" Frink: "'It's America's wang!'" Joan says, "Oh my God. Friedman was hitting on me because he thinks I'm a goer." A goer? That's a nicer word for it than any of the words we had back in the day. Luke starts to deny telling Friedman any such thing, but Joan interrupts, "I am not having sex with Adam Rove!" But it's only a matter of time, right? Right? Luke: "Then what's with this intense relationship you have with Adam?" Joan: "It's something else. I don't know." Luke sighs. Joan asks, "When -- when do you plan to start having sex?" Luke: "Oh, at my first opportunity. You?" Maybe you should do a probability study on teenage pregnancy, kid. Joan: "I don't know. It may not be up to me." What a great line. She says it lightly, but given her relationship with God, there are a whole lot of ways you can take that line, a whole lot of implications -- up to and including the idea that she recognizes she could be raped, like her mother was. I don't know if the writer meant the line to be as ambiguous as that, but I love it anyway. Luke sneers, "Who do you think it'll be up to, Joan? An arranged marriage? We're not Hindu." I know some viewers were offended by the reference to Hindus here, so I just want to say that I think if you're going to equate anything with the idea of arranged marriage, "Indian" would be more appropriate than "Hindu," since arranged marriage is very common amongst Indian Muslims and Sikhs (and possibly, for all I know, Christians and Jains), not just Hindus. I think a lot of Westerners have a somewhat distorted notion of what arranged marriage is, so I'll just clarify that by "arranged" I mean that parents and/or other family members are at the very least consulted and their input, especially a veto, actually counts. There are, of course, much more extreme (and oppressive) forms of arranged marriage, and while I don't personally agree with the custom, it's not necessarily always something horrific, so I don't think it needs to be taken as a huge insult. It is also common in a number of other cultures, but India, probably by virtue of its populousness and the Bollywood movie industry that props up various romantic myths, is the pre-eminent representative of countries with arranged marriage.
Joan: "What about Kevin? I mean, do -- do you think he'll ever be -- I mean..." Luke: "A, Kevin is probably still fully functional, and B, it's not as if he hasn't --" Joan: "How do you know?" Luke: "I caught him." Joan laughs. Luke: "Once with Maggie Fraser, and -- and once with Maureen McKeon." Joan's greatly amused and asks if he's sure. Luke screws up his face at the memory and says, "Absolutely positive." Joan: "Twice? What are you, some kind of Peeping Tom?" Luke says it's not his fault that he has a naturally quiet tread. He looks up and says suddenly, "Watch out!" There's a man in the road ahead of them. Joan gasps and slams on the brakes. Luke, perhaps a little too wired on caffeine still, says, "Don't stop! Go around him! He's got a chainsaw!" Joan, more in possession of her wits, says, "Oh my God, it's Dad!" Luke doesn't move, shouting, "Come on, the probability of that is --" Joan's already out of the car, screaming, "Daddy!" as he collapses to his knees in front of the car. They're both running toward him now; Joan gets there first and hugs him. They huddle there, panting, confused and relieved. I'm all blubbery. And no, I'm not talking about my ass right now. Obviously she knew there was some reason God sent her out there, but I'm sure she never imagined that this is what she'd find.
Helen's staring into space when the phone rings. She's made to wait to answer it until the cops can do whatever it is they have to do to trace the call. She answers, and Will says, "It's me." She exhales and says, "Will?" He says he's all right. He tells her there was a car accident, and the guy he was with died, but he's okay. Kevin comes wheeling in. Helen says she can tell Will is hurt. He asks if Toni's listening. While he gives Toni instructions on where to find the car, Helen wipes away a tear and nods, smiling, at Kevin. Will says, "Now, Toni, get off the line. Helen, I love you. I love the kids." Helen tells him there are still people listening. Will: "I don't care. I'll tell the world." Okay, that's pretty cheeseball dialogue. He says it again: "I love you." Helen cries some more.
Helen comes in the house late, and Joan, sleeping on the couch, wakes up. Helen tells her it's almost 3:00 AM. Joan asks where her father is; Helen says they're keeping him overnight at the hospital: "But he is fine, honey, you don't have to worry." Joan asks if anything was broken. Helen says, "No, but apparently everything is almost broken. Was that really the best he could come up with: ram himself into a pole?" Hey, it's easy to talk when the gun's not pointed at your head. She asks, "I mean, what are the odds?" Joan thinks, and says, "One in 22,957,480." Helen gives her a look. Joan explains, "I spent most of the day with Luke." She adds, "He won. The TriMathlon?" Helen obviously forgot all about it. So Luke won, but he didn't say anything to Joan right away? If he didn't know right away, when did he find out? Wouldn't it take a while to grade these things? Maybe it's computerized. What do I know? Do I look like a TriMathlete? Also, $30,000 at what seems like the local level strikes me as an astounding prize. If this were a qualifying competition for a higher state or national level round, I could see it. But a $30,000 MIT scholarship is pretty substantial. Helen seems somewhat excited, but not thirty-grand excited. Helen tells her about his probability scenario. Which reminds Helen: "Tomorrow we will have a talk about the rules, about how we don't just drive around for the fun of it." ["Did anyone else find that line really odd, given that Joan found Will while driving around 'for the fun of it'? That's not mentioned in this scene at all, which annoyed me. Anyway." -- Sars] Joan changes the subject: "Mom...you left a pregnancy test in the wastebasket." Helen, mildly annoyed, asks her why she went digging through the garbage. Joan says she didn't; Luke did: "He thought it was mine." Helen: "Why, are you sexually active?" Joan wrinkles her nose: "Why would you think that?" Helen: "Well, Luke thought it, and evidently he's a genius." Joan: "Not at everything. And you're changing the subject." Helen says she got her period, and she's not pregnant. Joan: "But you were...pregnant?" Helen thinks it was "too soon to know for sure maybe." Joan wonders if she's sad. Helen smiles: "My husband's alive; I have no right to be sad." Joan keeps looking at her, like she knows there's more. Helen admits to "a little sadness. Beneath the joy. A little sadness." Joan puts her hand over her mother's.
Will's in his hospital bed, sleeping; Kevin's at his side, having fallen asleep in his wheelchair. Will stirs, and so does Kevin. He looks over and sees Kevin, tired and kind of squinty-eyed. Kevin smiles and kind of gives his father a little wave. Will says, "There's my boy." Ryan Adams's (that's Ryan, not Bryan, thank God) song "In My Time of Need" plays as Kevin takes Will's hand. "Will you comfort me in my time of need / Can you take away the pain of hurtful deeds / 'Cause I will comfort you when my days are through / And I'll let your smile just off and carry me."