Previously: As the gang readied themselves to return to the Shore, suddenly it was "Let's all rag on Sitch night!" Which, to be fair, was coming for a long time. Nonetheless... arbitrary. You schmoes couldn't wait a week more to give yourself some distance? Nope, such is not the behavior of the Jersey animal.
La casa. The Situation is passive-aggressively taking out his anger at his roommates by randomly ninja kicking walls and muttering things about eating faces. Snooki sums it up best: "I hear Mike walkin' around, bein' a fuckin' weirdo." It's not even like he's drunk. He's just slowly, gradually dissociating with reality. Then again, if I were The Situation, I'd probably need a break from myself (and my jackhole roommates) every now and again... He decides to pay his lil' Snickerdoodle a visit because she's the only roommate who has stayed in that night. As he talks to her, she puts on her sleeping mask, curls up with a stuffed animal, and goes to bed. Not a word of acknowledgment. It's like he's not even there. Thought: What if all this time The Situation were Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense or one of the characters in American Horror Story? What if he rammed his head into the wall and went to the hospital -- as we saw -- but never actually came home? Or maybe she just hates his ass.
A moment later, the rest of the housemates get home, and Ronnie's in a fighting mood. Sammi encourages Ronnie to confront Sitch right then and there. Ronnie actually wakes Sitch up to talk to him. Because that's definitely a good idea. Even I would be ornery at that kind of intrusion. They head out to the smoking porch, where Ronnie reiterates all the drama Sitch has caused in Italy. He tells him to redress all problems with his roommates and delivers and ultimatum: "If you can't fix [your issues], you gotta go." Sitch is at once aware that he's suddenly the villain of the house and baffled by it. Sitch says he's over it, that he's been alone the last few days and prefers it that way. At this, Ronnie dishes out the greatest insult of all: "If he wants to act like Angelina, let him act like Angelina." Pivarnick burn! Ronnie goes back inside, where Sammi validates him, saying that Sitch "needs a man to tell him what's right." The implication is that Ronnie's a man... a fallacious supposition if I ever heard one. I'm pretty sure any other person in the house, including Deena, would have been more up to that task. She concludes, "If he fucks with me in Jersey, I'll fuckin' kill him." And in case we didn't hear the first time, "I'll fuckin' kill him." Note that folks, if Sitchy's body ever goes missing, you know where to look first.
The day, Pauly, Vinny, and Sammi report to their last day of work. This consists of Sammi working while Pauly and Vinny play around on megaphones and scream in customers' ears. I'm so glad I spent two minutes of my life watching that.
That night, the whole house hangs out and eavesdrops while SamRo 2.0 smush in the middle of the evening (which is like midday for guidos). The fuckbirds can't even bother to actually make the bed. They lay down a flat sheet that's folded in half and bang under a quilt. Gross. And, if you ask Pauly, they were finished five minutes later. "No wonder why Sam never smiles."
Sitch calls his sister Melissa. He admits he wants to get out of Italy and never look back. He says he's even considering skipping out on the return trip to Jersey. Of course this is a lie. Sitch would still find a way to cling to fame if they chopped his fingers off. Meanwhile, Snooki (in yet another pair of Yeti boots) heads into the bathroom to talk shit with Deena as she dries her hair. Deena thinks that Sitch's threats are idle and that he only stirs the pot to avoid getting lost in the shuffle. They vow not to play into The Situation's mind games by feeling guilty.
While the kids prepare to go out, sick JWOWW decides to stay home and recuperate. The rest of the gang head out, where Sitch gets his game on and Team Meatballs quickly decide they want to go somewhere else because boob, cuca, and a-hole sweat does not a happy Meatball a-make. They head to another and vow to "go frickin' hard." Unless all those other times this summer. Those were just practice rounds. Alas, at the club, they run across this drunken skeeze who makes them realize what they must look like when they're drunk. Deena squawks at the girl, "You're being annoying!" The girl responds by sticking Deena's purse up her skirt. As you do. Deena: "She just fucked my clutch!" Vinny and Pauly soon arrive, and the foursome has a grand old time
The crew from the other club head home, and soon so do the Meatballs and VP. Pauly has found himself a girl whom he deems is "kinda okay." I would argue that she is royally busted, but it's no matter because she's DTF. As they walk (read: stagger home), Pauly realizes that she's quite possibly too drunk to legally consent and calls her a cab. "I'll see her another time," he says, "...or never." Speaking of drunken ninnies, Deena walks barefoot through the streets of Florence with Snooki. They are ridiculously lost, so Deena decides to pass the time by smooching on trees. True story. They finally get home, and Deena's feet are literally black from the dirt and grime of the street. Even Britney Spears would be grossed out.
The morning, JWOWW wakes up after 21 hours of slumber feeling refreshed and recovered. As a last rite, the kids each take a piece of clothing to the pizzeria so Marco can hang it up on the clothes line in the shop. As you would expect, Deena decides to give him a hot pink thong. Ronnie: "I didn't even know Deena wore underwear to be honest with you." At least it'll be clean then! They head into the pizzeria, where Deena presents her mutandine. Pauly asks, "Come se dice skid marks?" Apparently it's skid marchi -- easy enough for a Meatball to remember! Marco begins the hanging of the clothing. All the guys played it safe with T-shirts while JWOWW brought one of her shredded "boobie shirts," Snooki sacrificed an animal print bra, and Sammi handed over some hot pink short shorts. I'm pretty sure that pizzeria just lost its license on health code violations. As the kids bid their sad goodbyes, Snooki breaks up some of the sentiment by munching on one of Marco's balls (of mozzarella).
They usher in their return to America with a proper Jersey barbecue and dreamsome discussions about their first trip to the tanning salon back in Jersey. Dinner winds down, and the girls offer to clean up for once. It is occasion for these gems: Snooki -- "I'm gonna put this hot dog up my [unclear but definitely something cuca-related] 'cause I'm so horny." Vinny -- "Seeing Nicole cleaning is like seeing Mike with a condom. It just doesn't happen." And, I've officially thrown up for the third time this episode. And it wouldn't be a complete day if Deena didn't have a faceplant, so down she goes.
As one last nod to the foreign surroundings, they decide to do a perfunctory round of sightseeing to make up for the months they skipped because they were too busy sleeping all day long and getting wasted all night long. Vinny calls a tour service. The guide naively asks whether they like art or history more. Vinny asks the roommates, who literally laugh in his face. He asks, "Maybe a little of both?" Pauly: "This tour guide doesn't have any idea what he's getting himself into."
The day, before the tour, Sitch starts singing his swan song. He reclines on the chaise longue and puffs away at his cigarette as he manipulatively says his (bullshit) goodbyes to his roommates, starting with Snooki. "If Mike weren't in New Jersey, it wouldn't break my heart," she says coldly. "He pretty much fucked himself." Dispirited by her indifference, Sitch realizes he's turned a corner with his roommates and claims grandly that they won't "be able to take advantage of The Situation anymore." And by "take advantage" to you mean "put up with"?
Tour time! Big shocker, Snooki is unenthusiastic about anything that requires the slightest bit of effort and isn't accompanied by liquor. Sitch is similarly bothered to realize that a walking tour involves actual walking. They do get excited when the guide, an adorable roly poly of a man with a hobo beard, shows them the building where Leonardo da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa. Vinny responds in a typical Jersey/Staten fashion: "Get the fuck outta here! Pass that shit every day!" they see the David statue, and Deena comments, "I would do him." Exactly the response Michelangelo was hoping to elicit all those years ago. Snooki, on the other hand, thinks he's not guido-y enough and "his wiener doesn't cut it."
They head into a church, where they see frescoes with cherubs. Snooki asks, "So they're real? The babies with wings?" As the tour continues, Sitch continues to distance himself from the group in the most blatant, five-year-old brat kind of a way. He literally sits down at every chance and puts a sour expression on his face. His roommates only notice to the extent that they're murmuring to themselves that he should stop being such a damn weirdo. Pauly says, "We're not gonna hold his hand. That's all I know."
The kids says "Ciao" to their tour guide and load into a van to head to a place atop the hill where they can take in the view and have a cocktail. Pauly wraps his arm around Vinny's shoulder like a lover and asks, "This is beautiful, huh babe?" Vinny says serenely, "Yeah, it is." Then they get fruity drinks, entwine their arms, and take a picture sipping and gazing into each other's eyes. I'm pretty sure the Italian for bromance is l'amore fraterno, but I don't even think that begins to cover it.
As night falls, Vinny sums it up in the Hemingwayesque prose of a guido: "Ahhhh, well... Italy was... interesting." As is contractually obligated, they sit around reminiscing. About JWOWW and Snooki's street brawl. About Snooki throwing a wine bottle at Sitch's head. Snooki wonders what would have happened if she had hit him. He says he would have gone to the hospital. Deena: "Again!" Snooki notes they're all enjoying each other's company (even Sitch) and thinks this is as perfect a last night in Italy as they could want. Hoping to make things even better, Sitch takes the moment to apologize to everyone for all his misdeeds and buy the ladies flowers. They thank him to his face, but JWOWW thinks it's a case of "same shit, different country."
They leave the hillside and head back home to primp for their last night out. They get to il club to find it's practically empty. This turns into a positive because they have the entire place to beat up the beat together... or whatever the frig Sitch is doing. And I was just talking about his dancing. Soon enough, he's starting a fight with some random guy who just wanted to buy Pauly a shot. Vinny thinks it was a cheap shot because the guy was a lot shorter than Sitch and calls him out. Sitch carries on with his douchery, and the housemates realize nothing has changed at all.
They head home where Deena packs and falls, falls and packs. At some point in the middle of the night, she and Snooki decide to put all the flora in the house on the kitchen. Why? Why not?!
The morning, Snooki is as chipper as her high school cheerleading days as she wakes up all her roommates for the day on which they can return to Jersey at last. Sitch makes everyone breakfast, which they immediately recognize as a blatant manipulation. But also? Nom nom nom, bacon. He gets them drunk on plastic cup mimosas and scrambled eggs, then tells them he's had a change of heart and will be coming to Jersey after all. Surprise! He lifts his shirt up ceremoniously and says, "I always have something up my sleeve, and it's gonna be a Situation."
The kids toast to Jersey, then disperse to pack (which involves Snooki vacuuming her face) and VP making a suitcase luge out of bare mattresses. When Snooki and JWOWW try out the luge, it doesn't end so well as Snooki plummets face-first down the stairs. And Deena manages to fall even on this -- in which the entire point is falling -- thus doing something right and screwing it up all at the same time. As they head out the door, Sammi remains down on Sitch. She insists, "Something has to be done before it turns into something crazy." And what were the last three years? Did they mean nothing to you Sammi? I thought they were special. The Situation interviews that he has no problem being the villain and declares, "I'll take on the whole house. Say hello to the bad guy!"