Previously: Jionni was an abusive a-hole, but Snooki continued to love him and anticipate his arrival in Florence. But first! Snooki hit a police car!
We return to the scene of the crime. The boys are desperately trying to make their way through traffic as Snooki freaks out about the prospect of riding in the back of a police car again. And she doesn't even have the benefit of being bombed off her face this time. Unfortunately, the guys get there seconds after Snooki is carted away and see the car being towed. They worry what Snooki's possible arrest will mean for their own fates in Italy and fear they might be deported. They head to the police station and wait for several hours while the requisite paperwork is filled out. By the time they leave, Meatballs in tow, Snooki seems to have pulled herself together. She basically got with uno schiaffo sul polso (slap on the wrist) and is no longer allowed to drive in Italy again -- not that she'd want to.
As they head back home, Deena declares she needs a cocktail. You'd think she'd realize that kind of thinking can cause its on collision -- head-on (or should I say face-on? tongue-on?). She and Snooki fill Sammi in on what happened, then Snooki calls Jionni. She tells him what happened, and his first response is not, "Oh my God! Are you okay?" It's "Were you drunk?" He does eventually ask if she's okay, but frankly the whole conversation is a non-event. It's barely a beat before he gets back to talking about his impending trip over. Specifically: Roger won't be able to make it after all. Snooki gets off the phone and tells JWOWW what's going on, and JWOWW is super-upset. She gives Roger a tearful call. He confirms Jionni's news, and JWOWW breaks down. There's nothing much to say, so they hang up quickly. Deena and Sammi offer to take her out to cheer her up, though Snooki wants to stay home since she's still shaken up from the accident.
While the girls head out together, the fellows have a guys' night out. Says The Situation, "MVP plus Ronnie is MR. VP." More like MR. F. They head to Space Electronic, where I totally went when I was a 16-year-old on a Latin school trip. Let me tell you, it is an international douchebag cesspool. In other words, the guys fit right in. To wit, Sitch explains, "I have seen that Club Space [yes, he calls it "Club Space"] had such a good ratio of hot dog buns to hot dogs [yes, hot dog buns], that I am determined to get it in tonight."
And that may happen differently than he thinks... or not at all. Long story short, Snooki hears the doorbell ring back home. She looks down on the street to find Sitchy's DTF last resort Brittany. Snooki knows she could tell the booty call to buzz off, but she thinks it would be more fun to stick her in Sitch's bed so that, when he comes home with another girl, he'll inadvertently cock block himself. Being on the wrong side of the law certainly has made Snooki ornery. I like it. While Sitch and the guys get cabs back home, Snooki subjects Brittany to a round in the confessional booth. Brittany slurs, "I like Mike because... he's different." Snooki chimes in, "He's different! He's really out there!" Brittany carries on, "He's... spontaneous..." Meanwhile Snooki is spinning her finger around by Brittany's ear to show that she's a crazy bitch. Brittany turns her head, and Snooki gives out the most adorable squeal and quickly lies, "I was just playing with your hair. So cute!" Hahaha. As Sitch makes his way home, Snooki lays it on thick, telling Brittany that Sitch said he wanted her to come over every day and send him flowers. She interviews that Brittany is "beyond crazy" and deems her "a wildebeest." What a little devil is our Snooki! She needs to tango with L'Uomo more often.
The other girls arrive home and are immediately in on the joke. They send Brittany to Sitch's bed -- which looks like something out of Seventeen magazine's room makeover section circa 1993 under the category of "Girly," BTW. By the time the guys finally arrive home, Brittany is drunkenly rolling around under The Situation's duvet. He brings the girl into his room, and Brittany pops out like the badger from Caddyshack, all mischievous and crazy-eyed. But also, wasted. Sitch is understandably at a loss for words, as is the Australian trick Sitch brought home -- especially when Brittany just up and takes off her shirt. Sitch sees which way this is trending and dismisses the Aussie for Brittany, who is clearly GAS (giù a scopare). Arrivederci, bella! Ciao, brutta! Irritated that her prank has backfired, Snooki shouts angrily, "You're welcome, Mike! You fuckin' froot loop!"
The day, Brittany takes her walk of shame out of the house -- barefoot no less, ugh -- while back upstairs Snooki is flipping out about Jionni's any-minute-now arrival. She tries on a million different outfits, then has JWOWW spray her with bronzer. Something tells me JWOWW has used the phrase "Spread your legs, I'm goin' in" many a time in the recent past. Snooki settles on a cobalt blue number that, ironically, makes her look like a cop -- but really the kind that knocks on the doors of bachelor parties -- with a gigantic sparkly cross hanging between her tatas. You know, to add that understated touch of elegance. Pauly admits that he, too, is nervous because a lot could go wrong considering Snooki's half-truths re: her hookups with Sitch and Deena. That doesn't stop him and Vinny from delighting in faking her out that the doorbell is ringing.
Eventually Jionni actually does arrive, and Snooki sheds tears of joys at the sight of him. She explains, "Jionni is, like, my world. Jionni is like Crocodilly but alive." Well, Snooki why didn't you tell us before? I didn't know it was that serious. Jionni has barely set his feet in the door and said hi to the roommates before Snooki order, "Let's go in the Smush Room." While he showers and hangs up his clothes, she changes the sheets and Febrezes the Smush Room: "Just making sure, you know, like, we don't get diseases." Considering Sitch and Brittany were in their last night, that's probably a wise move. Make that definitely. Jionni is finally ready, and Snooki practically leads him by the ears to get it in (or by the "tan wiener," as it were). They run into Sitch along the way, though, and he gives Jionni a long up-and-down. He tells Vinny, "He's very curious about me. I don't like it. I think he knows..." While Snooki gets her rocks off, Sitch adopts a paranoid tone and tells the rest of the gang showily that, if Jionni approaches him with questions, he'll be prepared to defend himself. By running into a wall again? Or by busting out whatever bullshit ninja moves he leaps into the minute? These moves are not unlike the teddy bear cam footage from the end of Meet the Parents. Even Deena says dismissively, "Do your thing, Kung Fu Panda."
A bit later, everyone gets ready to go out for the night. For Snooki, this involves putting on a piece of hot pink leopard spandex that grazes the bottom of her cuca. It is seriously the sluttiest outfit I've ever seen on the show, and that's saying a lot. Jionni wants her to change, but she thinks she's looking hot. Meanwhile, Sitch is still going on about this supposed confrontation he's going to have with Jionni. I'm beginning to think that Jionni is The Situation's Tyler Durden. He tells JWOWW, "If Jionni came up to me and winked, I'd kick him in the head." JWOWW rolls her eyes because she knows Jionni doesn't give a damn about Sitch. Sitch claims he's only been caught with his guard down once -- in the "fight" with Ronnie. JWOWW calls him out, "You never fought. You hit yourself!" She interviews, "I can't wait for Mike to, like, kick in the air and slip on a banana and, like, break his ankle." Good call! That really is what this show needs: Some good, old-fashioned physical slapstick.
While Sitch practices his fight stance, which really looks more like something out of the "Bad" video, Jionni tells Snooki he's never loved "something" as much as her. She excited ponders how cute and tan their guido babies will be, though she concedes, "I hope I have a C-section because I don't want it to fuck up my vagina." They make out furiously at the bar while Sitch eyes them suspiciously. Some time later, Sitch spreads his delusion to Ronnie, claiming Jionni is giving him dirty looks. In fact, he should be worried about Snooki because she's noticed his constant scrutiny and reporting the weird behavior back to Jionni. JWOWW worries Snooki is basically lighting a match to a powder keg.
The gang decides to head to another club, so they hop in separate cabs. En route. Sitch reports an encounter he had with Jionni where Jionni was basically like, "Hi, nice to finally meet you. You seem like an all right dude," but which Sitchy took to mean, "I thirst for your blood." Vinny realizes that Sitch is paranoid and playing out both sides of "an imaginary confrontation." Pauly, of course, tries to keep things light by saying, "If you want to talk to him, knock yourself out!" Har har. They arrive at the club, where Sitch continues to be a weirdo. He finally approaches Snooki and threateningly orders her to tell her if there's a problem. Snooki tells him to relax, all the while rearing back her fists of fury in case Sitch gets out of line.
Things settle between the two guys for a minute, giving Snooki to piss off Jionni by flashing her underwear (and perhaps a bit more) as she dances on a platform. He tells her she's "dancing like a fuckin' whore," which she takes nonchalantly, so he tosses his jacket in her face. Class act. He storms out. JWOWW follows after him but fails to convince him to stay. Snooki begins to cry and takes off in a sprint to catch up with him, though she falls several times along the way. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing -- the drunken falling or the screaming out after someone in public. Either way, Snooki's got all the bases covered. Ronnie catches up and sends her back to JWOWW while he tries to find Jionni and calm him down. Since that worked so well on the phone that one time...
It's immediately obvious that JWOWW will not be able to calm down Snooki, who has launched into a screaming, sobbing meltdown out of nowhere. It really doesn't help when JWOWW starts screaming in Snooki's face that she's acting like an asshole. Snooki shrieks repeatedly, "Don't touch me! Don't get near me! I hate you!" Even Sammi, who has seen and been at the center of some really serious drama of this ilk, is all, "What the fuck?" JWOWW sees that finding Jionni is the only way to calm Snooki down, so she goes to look for him. Meanwhile, Snooki sits on a street corner screaming, "Where's my boyfriend?!!!" Then she begins to assault a taxi cab -- the actual car. It is Winehouse-level messy, y'all.
Finally Ronnie finds Jionni, explaining that he's advocating for the couple because he sees in them a bit of the old dynamic between Sammi and him. Jionni explains quite calmly, to his credit, that he doesn't want to be with someone who acts the way Snooki does. As they talking, by the way, you can hear Snooki wailing several streets over. Ronnie responds equally as calmly, "It's the life you walked into." He interviews that Jionni should have known what was coming to him when he got picked up by a girl in Seaside. He encourages Jionni to man up and talk things out with Snooki. I might add to that advice "tomorrow." He gives an exasperated sigh and keeps walking. Elsewhere, the housemates comfort Snooki as she walks around the streets sobbing. Several streets over, JWOWW has found Jionni's on his trail. She calls out to him while hobbling on the cobblestone streets in her spiky heels, which she finally takes off, saying, "Well... at least I got to say I walked fuckin' Florence barefoot." Is that, like, a bucket list thing? Back to the group, who pile Snooki into a cab, which she immediately begins attacking. What's with all the car hatred? The Fiat didn't do anything to you, girl.
They arrive home, and Snooki insists she wants to be left alone to roam the streets. Obviously Deena is having none of that. Then Sitch strolls up all, "Snooks, what's wrong baby?" Really now? You have no idea what is happening? Come on, man. He asks Pauly what happened, and Pauly says bluntly, "Who cares?" Vinny remains the only voice of sympathy and reason, telling her, "He has to come back here." It does the trick, and Snooki finally goes inside. He assures her Jionni just needs to cool down. Snooki heads upstairs to cry herself to sleep in the Smush Room, while Jionni sits in an empty piazza writhing in his anger, and JWOWW picks up all manner of foot diseases looking for him in the streets of Florence.
JWOWW finally gives up and marches her bloody feet home. She updates Pauly, who remains apathetic because, as Ronnie said, Jionni knew what he was getting himself into with Snooki. She heads into the girls' room where Sammi says she feels terrible and sees the parallels with her relationship to Ronnie. JWOWW's all, "Now you see!" Snooki return to the room to seek solace with Crocodilly. The girls ask if they can do anything to help, and she meanly tells them to stay away. They head into the living room, where Pauly offers to solve the problem like men do -- by cooking up some animal flesh. Ain't no problem can't be solved by cheeseburgers. Or ham and ham and water.
Snooki is still crying when Jionni buzzes to get in, but she jumps out of bed to let him in. She runs down the stairs to greet him, and he blows right past her. He tells her to stay away, so naturally she follows a half-step behind him screaming the transcript of a trailer park 911 call. Sample line: "I hate you! You're so mean! I fuckin' love you, you fuckin' dick! What is wrong with you? I hate you!" Jionni says he wants to leave, and Snooki screams that she wants to be with him. He tells her why he's upset, and she actually denies lifting her skirt up. He says he doesn't need a girl like that and tells her they're done.
Back out in the common room, Sammi retroactively apologizes for all the bullshit she put the roommates through during her drama with Ronnie.
Snooki flops back into her bed with Crocodilly, crying, "He's my boyfriend. It's not even funny anymore!" She whimpers that she wants to go home and doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. Jionni packs up his stuff as Snooki weeps into her pillow two feet away. He walks through the kitchen, where the gang eats burgers and tries not at all to convince him to stay. JWOWW has written him off at this point. Likewise Sitch, who says, "On the surface, Jionni looks like a nice kid, but at the end of the day, that kid was a fuckin' wankster." Jionni heads outside and into a cab (to where? who knows?). Snooki runs behind him, but he's gone.