" Whaddayagonnadowhadeva... "

S04E07

The girls keep making out, with more and more fervor until they're basically gouging at one another with their tonsils. Vomit starts seeping from the walls Shining-style. In a later interview, Snooki declares herself "like, the best kisser in the whole planet... wait, 'on' the whole planet? [Pause] On the whole planet." Since they just threw up their six-course Italian dinner, the rest of the guys decide to head home and take Team Meatballs with them. The girls barely get two feet out of the club before they both fall in separate places (honorable mention to Deena who takes down a velvet rope with her). As she piles them into the cab, JWOWW kicks rocks violently and says, "Why do I always have to be the mom? There goes my night!" Say it with me now: "Whaddayagonnadowhadeva..."

Once they're settled in the car, Snooki and Deena pick up where they left off and make out like bandits. JWOWW says "this isn't an ordinary girl make-out session, this is like, 'We're going to fuck when we get back home," then adds, "and I have to share a room with them." Sammi chimes in, "I don't even make out this long with Ron." [Note: "...without having an insane fight beforehand, during and after." -- RS.] A few minutes later, the cab arrives at the hotel, and JWOWW and Sammi run like the wind to get out of there. Inside the room, Team Meatballs continues to make out, eventually ending up under the covers in the same bed.

The morning, Ronnie wakes up early and "swacks" ("swagger jacks") Pauly's wake-up call by running around the house and yelling in people's faces like a jackass. Frankly, it's a better look on Ronnie. This trend becomes a concern for Pauly, though, who thinks Ronnie is getting a little Single White Female on him. Back at the hotel, Team Meatballs are still passed out in each other's arms, so Sammi and JWOWW head out for a shop-and-moan. Thus begins the cross-cut. Ronnie says he's now on Team Jionni after seeing how embarrassing Snooki can be. He interviews "Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating." Really, Ronnie? This coming from you? The guys all agree that Jionni is within rights to break up with Snooki.

On a lighter note, the boy and girl crews separately go shopping, where JWOWW busy the biggest pink straw hat ever, and Ronnie tries on a blinding white mesh wife beater. When they arrive, the meatballs are still sleeping. Vinny declares, "It smells like hot sweat and regret in here." Deena emerges from the room looking like a hard-boiled zombie, and Vinny makes all sorts of lewd double entendres that I shan't repeat. I am a Lady (look, it's in my name)! Long story short, neither of them remember anything past dinner. Deena takes the comfort of the potentially date raped, saying, "I don't know... usually when I do sex, even if I'm blacked out, I know I did sex." JWOWW and Sammi waste no time in filling them on the night's cuca-filled, tongue-tangling lowlights. JWOWW suggests she saw a blanket prop-up that resembled cunnilingus knees, but Snooki won't believe it. She also refuses to believe that Jionni might be mad at this little indiscretion. All the while, she is brushing her teeth with her finger because she couldn't be bothered to bring a tooth brush. This is the pinnacle of class, friends.

The day, the gang packs. For Sammi and Snooki, that involves comparing panties. For JWOWW and The Situation, it basically means repacking their respective closets. Twenty-four hours requires at least 45 outfits, no? For Ronnie, that involves throwing some bananas and underpants into a plastic bag. The girls wrap up their final confessional with a "Team Cuca!" cheer before setting off. Seeing all the bags the ladies and Sitch are carrying, Pauly asks, "You do realize we've got a Fiat, right?" They get outside, and Snooki wonders, "Why do we have toy cars?" Then hilarity ensues as the kids strap their bags to the top of the tiny cars. Not satisfied that the roof has a high probability of caving in on her, Snooki asks as they roll out, "I wonder if there are shops where we can buy clothes?" They hit the road, and it's basically every embarrassing road trip stereotype you can think of, including but not limited to Dina shaking her ass at the dash camera and Sitch declaring, "Holy macaroni, we're going to Riccione!" Ugh. These kids are really running out of material, eh?

They arrive at their hotel and immediately get to drankin'. Pauly thinks it looks like Seaside, but Snooki thinks it's more like Hawaii or like "the border of a continent. You know, like, by... ocean?" The guys head out to explore and final La Situazione, Mike's Italian doppelganger. Seriously, it's uncanny. I suspect La Situazione would fare better on Ballando con le Stelle if given the chance. (Then again, a coat hanger would have been better than Sitch.)

Meanwhile, the ladies head beachward in their big hats and tiny swimsuits. Facing a stiff breeze, Snooki jokes, "My nipples ah hahd." Deena teases, "Can I lick them later?" Pay attention to those words, people. The show just discovered foreshadowing. They dip their toes in the water, and Snooki screams, "Italian whale sperm!" Still holding fast to that belief, I see. Having officially seen the beach, the ladies (mainly Snooki) decide they need to get wasted, stat. They give the beach bartender his marching order to get them blasted, so he makes them some shots. Then some more shots. Then some more shots. They shout and slobber and do no-hands shots and introduce the bartender to the phrase, "Blast in a glass! Blast in a glass!" Or as he would know it, "Esplosione in un bicchiere!" Deena tells the locals, "I had no idea Italy had, like, a Caribbean island in it." She also says she has no idea what the night will hold. Cue yet more shots.

Elsewhere, the guys are getting their drink on, though their mission is less singular than the girls, and they spend several minutes laughing at some big ol' lady butt and finding Speedo-wearing schlubs as fodder for making fun of each other (Vinny: "I'd say that's Pauly in about 10 years").

Back to the ladies, who are completing their show-mandated community service hours by teaching the bartenders more English. And by "English" I mean guido-speak. He now knows what "cuca" means, for example. Snooki asks how you say "vagina" in Italian. Well, Snooki, it's... drum roll... vagina. This exchange is not unlike the scene in Love Actually when they're all, "Say table!" -- "Table!" -- "Oh... same." Except Snooki doesn't have the presence of mind to realize the sameness and is all, "Vah-zheeeeeen-ahhhhhh!" A passer-by takes issue with the girls' wanton use of anatomical language and tries to share his culture with them (not unlike the priest did last week), and it goes over about as well as you'd image. Their response, "We can be as trashy as we want. We're from Jersey!" That's not exactly what they said, but it gets to the heart of their argument, really.

They leave the bar (telling the bartender on the way out, "I hope you get laid tonight!") and go drunk shopping. There's some stiff competition, but Deena wins the day with a pink floral ukulele. Quite quickly, though, JWOWW and Sammi realize they are not nearly as drunk as their companions. And, as you do when you're a good friend to someone who's on the verge of disabling drunkenness, they start hoofing it faster than the little meatballs' legs can carry them. Never fear! Snooki and Deena are scrappy. If they can't join 'em, they're gonna beat 'em, and they vow to trail behind the other girls making lewd remarks about their asses.

Eventually, JWOWW and Sammi lose the other two, and Snooki calls out, "How can moms leave their kids?!" It's no matter, though, because Snooki and Deena have become distracted in the way that kittens are by laser beams when they hear house music in the distance. They literally sprint toward the music. It's in a tent in broad daylight where literally no one else is dancing, and the scene quickly devolves into Snooki of Season-One-dancing-by-herself-on-the-boardwalk vintage. Only now, there is solidarity. Team Meatballs, attack the beat! God, that would make an amazing Saturday morning cartoon.

Lord only knows how long they've been at it because eventually the guys have changed and located them. Ronnie rams his junk into Snooki's ass as a greeting. As you do. They tell them need to head back to the hotel to change because dinner is in less than two hours, but the girls are on the party train, and they're not about to get off in Boringville. So the dance party continues, including Snooki playing the bull in a very rudimentary paso doble. So into character does she get that she charges right past Deena and into a bush. Vinny worries the two of them won't even make it to dinner at this rate. In case you were worried, she's fine. She simply keeps yelling, "I couldn't stop! I couldn't stop! I couldn't stop!" And that, my friends, will be the thesis statement of the night.

Back at the hotel, JWOWW and Sammi get ready for the night and talk about Team Meatballs. JWOWW thinks they're "so similar it's creepy." Back at the... ummm... tent? For brevity's sake, let's just call it the shitshow. Back there, Snooki has crafted a new dance move. I like to call it the "Kitty Likes To Scratch." She is literally lying on her back, pawing her hands and feet like a cat. Even The Situation thinks she looks like a buffoon. Snooki, you in danger girl. Not one to be outdone, Deena crafts her own dance move, the "Whoops, I Lost My Pants!" Basically, you dance so hard your damn underwear (or, in this case, string bikini) fall off. Pauly gives her credit for her tenacity, and even Deena wonders later in an interview, "It's only Jersey girls who can dance so hard their underwear comes off. Who the hell does shit like this?" You, Deena. It's always been you.

Embarrassed by this unfolding disaster -- and probably realizing, as Sammi and JWOWW did, that they'll be holding hair back soon enough if they don't cut loose -- the guys make tracks. One of them says, "Holy shit! One more shot and she's blacked out!" Really?! One more? Snooki has been way less drunk than this and blacked out. I'd say we're well past that tipping point. Witness: Snooki has pulled down her top low enough to reveal nip like she's at friggin' Mardi Gras. On the upside, the couple wearing American flag T-shirts nearby seem to be enjoying the spectacle. Did I mention it's still daylight?

A bit later, everyone else is talking trash about Team Meatballs on the way to dinner. Proving my theory about the dedication to friendship these guys have, Sammi says she and JWOWW have formed a theory that Snooki and Deena are "gonna be abducted [and] we don't want to deal with it." Nice. Very nice. Everyone arrives at dinner except for the Meatballs, who have finally decided it's time to go home and get gussied up for the night out. At the restaurant, Ronnie reports how he saw Snooki barrel into the bush "like how Mike ran into a wall." While they order and get excited for il club, the girls arrive home, where Snooki wets herself. The gang is paying for their dinner when Team Meatballs arrive, drinks in hand. Everyone sits around pissily while the Meatballs eat their dinner, belch loudly, and spill their drinks all over the place. Sensing the tension, Team Meatballs strategize to stick together because, says Snooki, "If we both get crazy, it's not a big deal." Oh, sweet Snookums, that bridge is crossed and burned, girl.

They finally finish, and the kids get into cabs to head to the discoteca. Inside, Deena slurs something that I watched about five times and still could not decipher. I think the last word was "shop," but it might have been "shot." Also, the word "shiny" might have been in there. Either way, Deena is all kinds of pleased with herself and makes the cutest little drunk-smile after before her head becomes too heavy and falls forward like an infant's. Haven't we all been there? Leave it to Sammi to piss all over Deena's parade. She suggests Deena stay home for the night, which Deena refuses, then interviews about how miserable her night is going to be because she's going to "have to take care of [her] friend." Friends are the worst! Oh, shut up, Sammi. I get where she's coming from, for sure, but it's the fact that it's Sammi. Coming from anyone else, this sentiment would be fairly reasonable. But spouting from the lips of the biggest drama queen who has relied the most on her roommates over these past several years, it's shitty. Sammi sucks at life is what I'm saying.

To be fair, JWOWW is also dreading the night to come -- not helped by Snooki burping straight in her face and asking, "Smell that?" Deena rambles some more about missing her friends (who are in the car with her) and playing Frisbee. JWOWW's all, "This sounds like the car ride home, not to the club!" Snooki: "Whaddayagonnadowhadeva..."

That should be the new name of the show. Deena suddenly gets a rough edge to her, spitting out a bleeped string of expletives that ends with, "I have no shame." All Sammi can do is nod her head.

Inside the club, it's more shots for Team Meatballs and all sorts of crrrrrazy sparkler dancing for Ronnie. Please light yourself on fire, please light yourself on fire! Okay... not gonna happen, I guess. Bah. Snooki grows petulant when JWOWW tries to adjust her clothing so her underwear doesn't show. For her part, JWOWW's not happy to take on this maternal role either. While that battle is simmering, Sitch attacks some girl's face with his mouth. Back to the ladies, where Deena is dropping it low in front of a Plexiglas railing. Only, she is going commando. She says later, "Whatever! I forgot to put underwears on!" Like, "So what if I left the AC unit on all day" or "Yeah, I left the TV on. What of it?" Not like "Oh dear, a bunch of strangers just saw my cooch. I'll sure learn from that!" Like Snooki, Deena doesn't like being told what to do, so she keeps dancing as men all around her shatter the ground with their jaws. Sums up JWOWW, "All I know is that Deena needs a wax."

And if you think that will be the apex of the night's ridiculousness, you are just as unable to learn from the past as Deena. Team Meatballs decides to go take a wander over to the dance floor, where Snooki lays her sweet ass down and Deena begins fondling her up and down. At seeing this, JWOWW launches into an unstoppable emphysema cough-laugh fit. One minute Deena backs it up on Snooki, the they are full-on making out. And no one can really say it better than the roommates --

Sammi: What the fuck is going on? Because Nicole is all about Jionni, and Deena, like... are you lesbian?!
JWOWW: Nicole and Deena are digesting each other's tongues. I am so skeeved out, I want to throw up.
Vinny (to Pauly): Does that turn you on?
Pauly: No!

The kids pile in the car to head home, the highlight of which is Snooki driving for miles with the park break on. They arrive home, and Snooki immediately calls Jionni. All the roommates sit as close as possible so they can eavesdrop on the conversation. She opens with, "Are you done being mad at me?" Jionni insists he was never mad at her. Is one of the side effects of steroid use memory loss, or does he just have early onset Alzheimer's? Perhaps a couple of personalities like United States of Jionni? That would probably help if you're dating Snooki, actually. Jionni asks how the vacation went, and she's all chipper, like, "It was super-fun!" He asks if she did anything bad, and she has to come clean. As she circles around it, two things are happening: First, Pauly is pissing himself with anticipatory glee. Second, JWOWW is realizing that Jionni's reaction will determine whether Snooki stays or leaves Italy. Snooki finally comes out with it, so to speak, and Jionni takes a long pause before basically saying, "Whaddayagonnadowhadeva..." Snooki flashes a big smile and gives her roommates the thumbs-up. With that, they hang up on what was basically the most civil, functional, healthy conversation of their entire relationship (at least what we've seen of it). I cannot even begin to explain the levels on which that is fucked. So I won't.

The morning, Sitch leads the charge toward his and the meatballs shift at the pizzeria. Highlight of the morning: The boss makes fun of Snooki's Teresa Giudice Yeti shoes. Highlight of the afternoon: Snooki and Deena hide in trash cans. Also, even sober Deena falls over. As they leave, they switch up the refrain with a little more pep, Snooki saying, "Whateva," and Deena completing the thought, "Whattayagonnado?"

Since they had to get up early, the meatballs decide to make the most of their day and go to the gym. They get into the car and embark on what will become a harrowing journey. After many close calls with kamikaze cyclists, the collision we all knew was coming finally occurs. It's just like Season One, except replace a fist with a Fiat and Snooki's face with an Italian police car. Only this time, there's no blackout (which is more than we can say for two nights ago, hey-oh!).

Afraid that she'll go to jail again, Snooki tells Deena to call the guys to bring her license. To their credit, the guys don't blink before grabbing the license and jumping into the car. Unfortunately, they get stuck in traffic while Snooki has a panic attack watching the ambulance arrive to put one of the policemen onto a stretcher. Oh, please. The neck support is hardly necessary. It was a fender bender at worst -- not like one of them rammed his head into a concrete wall.

With the guys still en route, the police have Snooki take a Breathalyzer. When they tell her to come with them, she can't hold back the tears anymore. Begging them to wait, she says frantically, "I don't ever want to go in the back of a cop car again. Please!" The guys finally arrive and run to the car, but it's a split-second too late. Vinny worries, "If Nicole is locked up, they might kick us out of Italy." Cue card: "JAIL TIME."

week: Spoiler alert! The kids don't get kicked out of Italy, but Jionni does get let in. Which means the theatrics we've been enjoying over the phone now have a Napoleonic manifestation when Snooki gets her cuca dancing on at il club. Also, Brittany comes a-knockin', giving Snooki the chance to expose Sitch when he brings another girl home that same night.