Hey y'all! I'm subbing in for Lady Lola while she's no doubt taking an intensive language course so she can come back soon and just write these Weecaps entirely in Italian. I wish her buona fortuna.
Previously: Ronnie and Sammi are back together (but doesn't he have some sweet honey visiting him soon? Hannah? Is that just not going to happen?), Deena made out with a girl and passed her on to Vinny and Sitch is a snitch -- and I think I believe him about the whole Snooki thing. I don't know why, I just have a sensazione. (Okay, that's her thing and not mine!)
All of the roommates are sleeping, the sun is rising, and Twin One is rolling out of Mike's bed. Twin Two is still in bed with Vinny and I believe the soundtrack song is about double fisting. Some time (could be seconds, could be hours) passes and now the house is twinless. As Vinny recounts the story to Ronnie, he insults Deena's tag-teaming skills, accusing her of committing robbery. Ronnie immediately tells Sam and Snooki the story and they're sooo grossed out. The moon moves at a rapid speed and now the guys are out for Italian food. At least it's not like they're going to McDonald's; that's something to be happy about, because wouldn't it be so depressing if these completely overprivileged reality stars got flown out to Florence only to eat at fast food chains that also exist here? Think about it.
Mike yet again tells the humiliating tale of his and Snooki's hook up, swearing on that sister of his who Vinny hooked up with in Season One. Meanwhile, the girls talk over wine (Italian coffee) and band together. I like seeing JWOWW eat, I feel like they show a good amount of shots of that for the fans. I also like that big hat! Go JWOWW!
Blame it on the fact that it happened just a few hours ago and there's absolutely nothing for anyone to talk about, but everyone is obsessed with Deena's "lesbian moment". It's the new l****** a******.
Snooki gets on the phone with Jionni to clear the air before Mike does any damage, which is actually pretty grown up of her. I would've expected her to attach a cryptic letter to a pigeon's talon. He is suspicious, but seems to believe her and he's going to be here in three weeks! At the same time as Hannah? Uh ohhhh(?).
The guys cook a lovely Sunday dinner, while the girls are trying to dress as "40-year-old from the Yonkahs", but it kind just looks like what they normally dress like, expect for maybe Sammi wearing something besides a scowl. So things are awkward, as they often are after weekends of heavy drinking where everyone is terrible to one another. This conversation isn't as offensively homophobic as I would have feared, because everyone really seems to care less about Deena hooking up with another woman and way more about committing robbery. Pauly rises from his chair and screams in his theatrical voice, as he does. Vinny seems really hurt; it's lame and needlessly dramatic.
I don't think it's as lame that Deena is genuinely upset, because last year it was MVP D (or something), and now it's all, "DEENA'S A C*CKBLOCK" (apparently you can't say the words cock[block], rimjob or Guinea [tee] on this show, which is a good thing, really). So much back and forth with this. There's talk between Vinny and Pauly of moving Deena's bed, which they call a "prank," but obviously it's not one, and is just going to make Deena feel horrible. It does, and I fondly remember the days when a prank was just hiding cheese under Vinny's bed.
I can't believe there's this much fighting in the house and it isn't coming from Sam and Ron. Deena says she's having an anxiety attack, and given how fast her breathing is, it sort of actually seems like she is. Sam is an excellent Momma Bird, as is JWOWW. I wish Roger was in the house, wouldn't that be nice? JWOWW summons Deena so they can finally end this drama -- again, which is totally just Vinny acting weird and defensive, probably out of insecurity of not having shtupped enough women yet. Or maybe it's out of an entirely different sexual frustration and Vinny is upset at the double standard in our (his?) society that a girl can fool around with another girl and it's okay, but two guys -- say, roommates/reality show castmates -- would never be socially allowed to hook up on television without their reputations being forever tarnished. We're getting close to something, people. This is real.
JWOWW drags Deena out of her dark hole of misery, and Pauly calls Deena the ultimate C word one can say in the universe of Jersey Shore: "Changed." (The F word is "Fake", obviously). This kind of goes in a different direction than my twisted mind would have thought, and Deena starts crying because, why did she kiss that girl? She would have never done that, what is happening?* She expresses that her actions come out of feeling alienated and alone, which I wish is a statement that would come out of Mike's mouth rather than hers. We're getting real here, and it's nice. Also nice: Deena's stuffed animal. What is that, a green raccoon? We end with a healthy jab at Sammi's poor judgement and call it a night.
(*I think it's messed up when people make other feel guilty about their sexual choices, obviously. In some ways it's good that Deena is finding herself and logically working through her emotions, but it could just be her giving into Pauly's slut-shaming and now she's convinced herself that she is wrong for acting on a harmless drunken sexual urge. The reason I hate Dr. Drew Pinksy so much is in part because I once went to a speaking of his and I saw him slut-shame basically an entire freshman class of college women. They were all crying and freaking out and I raised my hand and was given a microphone and told him that it is sexist and unfair to say that girls only ever act on sexual urges because they're weak/insecure/confused/trying to impress men/etc. and then he called me a slut and rolled his eyes! That fuck.)
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Pauly, Deena and Snooki wake up at 5 AM to work at the pizza shop. Deena proves to have a decent sense of direction, which I find relieving, since "We can't find anything here!" is a trope that I am quickly growing tired of on this show. They get into cute pizza gear and Pauly starts his game. It's hard to tell if the girls are falling for him and his tan neck or just want to take pictures for when they come back home from study abroad.
Ronnie's on the phone with Hannah, because we're only halfway through the episode and he and Sammi haven't had some terribly violent brawl yet, and we can't have that, can we? JWOWW continues to be great and make strides towards avoiding future blowout fights. Ronnie's telling her to keep her nose out of his relationships, which is his go-to excuse any single time someone catches him red-handed doing something god-awful to his girlfriend.
Back at the pizza shop, Pauly's having a grand ole time while Team Meatball is complaining about their actual hard work and then stuffing themselves into a garbage bag. Hope that doesn't belong to Angelina, am I right?! The ladies pay off a customer and sneak some wine, which, truthfully, is not the first time I have seen a fellow Jersey girl secretly chug alcohol in a restroom. Snooki and Deena are quickly caught, but Snooki swears that they were only attending to Deena's period. Isn't she not allowed to handle the sauce now, or something? Their boss throws the rest of their wine down the sink, and that is literally all of the repercussion they get. A bird then immediately poops on Pauly.
JWOWW and Ronnie shop in tourist trap stands. Ronnie "actually buys Sam something for no reason, just to see the smile on her face," which I'm sure is not out of guilt or anything. Sammi's so happy. This is depressing.
Power duo Snooki and JWOWW go out to eat and talk about making rubber copies of their lovers' penises. Snooki asks if they could later compare dildos, which is awesome. Ron and Sam go out to dinner, too. No dildo talk, but Ron does call her "dude" and uses the phrase "winning" when referring to getting intimate later. Everyone is just really hoping they don't start fighting again.
Snooki remarks that Florence is, "Pretty at night, when you're like, sober and remember." Remember what I said about McDonald's? Let's hold on to that.
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Everyone but Snooki and JWOWW go to club YAB. The evening starts out dull, both for the viewer and for the housemates. Vinny unsuccessfully macks it with a girl who is very forward in rejecting his sorry ass. Ron and Sam plant the seedling of a fight over a girl allegedly standing near Ron's abs' vicinity -- but don't worry, she is simply a "fat chick" -- and we watch the little plant grow. Ron stomps home, soon followed by Pauly and Mike (with ladies in tow) and Deena and Sam. Ron says something disgusting to his friend TJ on the phone about where female genitalia belongs and whom it belongs to. The DTF girls leave before anyone gets lucky, Mike calls Brittany, and it seems like the night is ending without too much incident.
Except, that's totally not the case. Sam brings up Mike's factual comments about what Ronnie once said about banging mad chicks, and Ron starts flipping out. Like, the fighting Mike and pushing Sammi and cursing uncontrollably kind of flipping out. I believe we were shown a preview of this in the trailer for this season, but I couldn't really have imagined how quickly the violence escalates. We are only given a taste of the fight tonight, though it's already revealed that Mike at first doesn't want to be involved with Ron's relationship bullshit, but then accepts his challenge once he sees the destruction Ron has already caused to his stuff (just like he did to Sammi's last season).We also know that Mike gets the living crap kicked out of him and ends up in a stretcher.
This is... well, over. The episode is Sunday night before the VMAs, so check back to see the hilarious way Lady Lola will narrate this disastro.
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