Previously: The Situation stirred up all sorts of trouble amidst SamRo 2.0.
We return to the scene of the grime, where Sammi's rumored hook-up Arvin is confirming that, at the very least, he's made out with Sammi a few times. Ronnie walks out proudly -- like this somehow validates him (when in fact, it's quite the opposite) -- to tell Sammi that Arvin is on the phone. She continues to insist that he's lying and that she's innocent. All the while, Sitch laughs at the drama he has created. Sammi gets on the phone and chews out Arvin for causing problems. Arvin insists he's telling the truth, and Sammi insists she's telling the truth. There's a lot of screaming, all of which is neither here nor there because who believes these disgusting people in the slightest?
More to the point, who thinks that Sammi and Ronnie should be together? Answer: No one. Despite the hubbub, it clearly becomes obvious that no one thinks Sammi and Ronnie should be together because they go about making dinner like nothing ever happened. Steaks are sizzled, peppers are sautéed, and life goes on at the Jersey Shore. Everyone cheers to their last nights at the shore and discusses the barbecue for Shore Store employees that their boss Danny is throwing.
While the others go about their business, Sammi follows Ronnie outside to clear the air. She finally admits that she did hook up with Arvin a full two or three years ago. He uses this as ammo to perpetuate their abusive relationship, insisting that she can show him that she's invested in this relationship more than she already has.
The day, Ronnie continues to demonstrate what a dick he is by showing up to the Shore Store wearing a shirt of the competitor T-shirt shop on the boardwalk. He calls this "going out with a bang." He also considers sleeping on the job going out with a bang. He literally lies there, occasionally getting water poured on him by Danny, until the shift ends. Words cannot express...
That night, all the friends and family of the gang come in for one final hurrah. Highlights: Pauly's worm-dancing bodyguard Jerry, Vinny's ridiculous Uncle Nino, and JWOWW's strangely hippy dad. Also? Of course Snooki is sicced on a piñata.
As soon as Vinny immediately sets his sights on Deena's friend, Deena sets about cockblocking him because of her allegiance to Snooki. While Snooki insists she's okay with Vinny screwing around, Vinny thinks Deena is being disingenuous that she's one of the guys. Either way, ain't nobody happy.
Speaking of which, Sammi is still hung up on Sitch's interference. She calls him "somebody who loves trouble and drama." I think it's the clearest that Sammi has ever expressed herself. Regardless, Ronnie turns things on her, insisting that she was actually the one who wanted trouble and drama. Despite this being patently not true, Sammi is weak, and Ronnie is overbearing, and they go back to status quo.
The party ends, and the gang drunkenly heads home. Deena asks Pauly why Vinny is upset with her. Vinny chimes in that Deena "let [him] down," then he calls her Angelina. As we know, this is the ultimate insult at the Jersey Shore. Vinny interviews that, like Angelina, if Deena isn't having fun, ain't nobody having fun. Deena tells Vinny never to say such things to her again, then drags her friend out of the room, inadvertently proving Vinny's point. As if that weren't enough, her friend calls her out for being a cockblock once they get into the bedroom. Deena angrily marches back out to the common room to insist that she never blocked any cocks until now because it was her best friend. Perhaps it's an echo of the unfortunate Snooki-Ryder situation, or perhaps it's a reference to how shitty the guys in the house treat women. Either way, she tells Vinny to go fuck himself, which is pretty necessary if we're being honest. Of course, the guys (and Sammi, ugh) pawn it off to jealousy.
The morning, Sitch apologizes to Sammi. Sammi wonders what she did to him to deserve this interference. He pawns it off to the tense circumstances, and she pretends to be okay with everything while remaining skeptical of his true intentions. And speaking of abiding tension, Vinny remains upset with Deena.
After the friends and family leave, the gang goes out for dinner. Pauly tries to cut through the tension, but it's clearly an uncomfortable scene between the girls and the guys. Deena tries to move past the awkwardness by thanking everyone for welcoming her and giving her a great summer. They slurp up their wine and head back to the house for cuca cartwheel checks. Snooki says this is their last night and their last chance to "get it all out, have sex," etc. In other words, watch out!
Da club. Instead of a bunch of drunken carousal, we first find JWOWW having a serious chat with Roger about the future of their relationship. He wonders what's going to happen after she leaves the shore and suggests they become exclusive. She thinks the sex and Roger's appearance are enough, so she agrees to it. News spreads throughout da club, and the girls congratulate JWOWW on being smitten with her very own juicehead gorilla.
Meanwhile, Deena and Snooki are both DTF. They find themselves guys. While Deena stumbles around the floor in a mating dance, Snooki brings her fellow back to the house to seduce him by making grilled cheese. They soon enough head up to the Communal Smush Room, where she deems "whiskey dick... the best" because "it's when a guy can't have sex for, like, five hours because he's so drunk." Ahhhh, romance!
Back at da club, Sammi chats with a couple of guy friends. Ronnie naturally takes this as an excuse to mindfuck her about what a horrible girlfriend she is. Even as she is realizing what a d-bag he is, he lets her stumble drunkenly through the streets of Seaside by herself. You know, like an honorable gentleman.
Happily, no one is murdered or assaulted on this particular night, and we have a brief comic interlude where Roger attempts to call in a sick day at work, only to be interrupted by an inebriated JWOWW screaming, "It's Jenni!!!!!" in the middle of the message, then joking about chopping off his balls now that she's his official girlfriend. As you do. She later jokes that she might have to be his sugar mama from now on since he might be unemployed.
All the while, Ronnie goes up to bed alone, still angry with Sammi for... um... I honestly have no idea. He insists he's been "nothing but good" to her (direct quote, no irony) and calls her a stubborn bitch. The girls wonder why the two of them are fighting while the guys, The Situation in particular, lick their chops and wait for the spectacle to begin. Ronnie continues to scream at Sammi about what a good-for-nothing girlfriend she has been (as per usual). As they agree that they are each other's biggest regret, the screaming gets so bad on both sides that even those who are smushing stop mid-thrust to check out what's going on. Just before Deena makes peace by making him drunken grilled cheese, Vinny echoes the unhappy couple in saying he's done with all of this chaos.
The day, hangover shame sets in as the booty calls head out of the house. For her part, JWOWW is embarrassed about her drunk dialing but happy to be Roger's girlfriend. On the heels of that happy thought, we get one last gratuitous caca reference of the season as JWOWW's dog shits all over the carpet at the house. Sitch compares the carpet to SamRo 2.0's relationship.
Upstairs, Ronnie tells Sammi that the night before (and all the nights before it) are "not okay." They head outside to talk about it. She once again takes the blame, assuring him she loves him and that he's her best friend. He once again insists that she doesn't show him her love. Question, Ronnie: What is showing one's love for another person? Motorboating another girl in a night club? Hitting it with other ladies, then coming home to spoon and/or screw your significant other? Regardless of those answers, Ronnie gives Sammi the full court press of guilt about their relationship. She asks him if they're together or not, and he says he needs his space. She asks, "So this is over?" Ronnie: "Yeah."
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Inside, the gang makes one last meal, and JWOWW's dog lays one last turd on the floor. Everyone exchanges loving jabs before they pack up.
Sammi and Ronnie are the first to leave. Independently. Snooki admits she would rather have Ronnie back if given the choice, then whispers, "Don't tell Sam that!" Ronnie thinks he never should have broken his rule "Don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore," especially since what he had with Sammi was "never real." Tell that to this loyal recapper, bitch. For her part, Sammi says, "There is no Sam-and-Ron. I'm alone now. It's not a good feeling." Which is sad on levels that I can't even begins to explicate. Moving on...
Back inside, Vinny wishes goodbye to Snooki and Deena. Snooki admits that she and Vinny have a rollercoaster, friends-with-benefits type of relationship. They insist they're not like Ronnie and Sammi and leave it open that they could be serious in the future.
Sitch leaves , happy with what he begat and ready to go learn him some cha cha.
JWOWW leaves, gratified that she got a boyfriend and prepared for a few more months of Filthy Couture. Her departure is hardest on her best friend Snooki. They agree that they can't wait to come back summer and harass Danny some more.
Pauly bids his adieus, claiming they have unfinished drama and that this has been the best summer yet.
Finally Deena and Snooki leave. Snook sees big things in their future, including perhaps a Polizzi-Cortese ballot in 2012. Promises Snooki, "I would get shit done in this country. The economy would rise... everyone would be tan... and all the radios would play house music!" And, really, what more can you ask than that?
Discuss the finale in the forums, then play our own version of Jersey Shore: Would You Rather?
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