Previously: Sammi supposedly carried on a DL text fling with some Cro-Magnon-looking guy named Arvin, and The Situation reveled in snitching on her to Ronnie. Snooki cried over Vinny's wandering eyes (and hands).
We open on Ronnie literally cornering Sammi and screaming in her face. After Ronnie works his table-turning mumbo jumbo on Sammi as per the usual, she apologizes for hitting up Arvin and admits she would kill any girl who showed up looking for Ronnie. Satisfied, he goes outside to smoke.
Inside, Deena rolls around in a box. Truly. Then Snooki falls over backwards punting it around. Sitch says Deena "Defies the laws of intelligence." Whatever those are. He adds, "I never thought somebody would make Snooki look like a rocket scientist, but Deena takes the cake."
Outside, Ronnie asks Sammi why she would call Arvin after months in the house and all they've been through. Number one, I think you just answered your own question. Number two, because she was SINGLE! How does it escape his notice that he was motor boating other bitches while they were still together, then going home and having sex with her? How is a BBM worse than that? Why do I even try to make sense of Ronnie's warped idea of relationship etiquette? Ronnie says he no longer knows whether he loves Sammi and questions if he can be with a girl like her. He rejects her invitation to go to bed together.
The morning, all the girls minus JWOWW show up to work 10 minutes late. It's Deena's last day, and their boss is intent on getting some productivity of her. She would rather make free shirts for herself, though. He deems her the worst employee of the 2010 season. Ohhhhh, just you wait, Danny. There's still another day.
After work, Snooki and Vinny go on a burger date. Snooki is particularly keen on the beer-battered onion rings. Vinny starts to talk about his DTF girl from the night before, and Snooki interviews that their "friends with benefits" arrangement isn't working out now that she's developing feelings for Vinny. She talks shit about Vinny's grenades, and he gets the drift. He tells her it would be weird to hook up with her since he sees her every day. I.e. I'm just not that into you. He interviews that their relationship is a roller coaster and that he sometimes lies that he's sorry to make her feel better about herself. Nice. Just what I want in a man. Dishonesty and patronizing. Interestingly, he does admit that there's a chance he could get serious with Snooki... "just not any time soon" is the operative phrase he doesn't include. He essentially says it's nice to have her as a back-up. Oof!
That afternoon, the guys report to work. And by "work," I mean piercing both of Vinny's ears in the middle of the Shore Store. Gross. Vinny takes the pain without a flinch, and Pauly declares him Fresh To Death. He thinks Vinny is more gangster now. Because looking like a girl is totally street, yo.
The guys come home and prepare to go out, making fun of Deena's low-cut, denim shortalls along the way. Pauly says he doesn't think denim is in anymore. Did a guy with a 25-minute blowout really just imply he's an arbiter of fashion trends? The gang goes out -- minus SamRo 2.0, who decide to get wine and stay in -- and are getting their grenade on when Danielle the Israeli stalker pops up again. She tries to weasel her way back into the house (because she was treated so well last time?), but is rebuffed. Sitch thinks she "has plans to kidnap Pauly and slowly, slowly cut his blowout down to nothing." A modern day Sampson and Delilah, those two! Pauly assures her that he will not go anywhere alone with Danielle ever again.
Back at the house, SamRo 2.0 have a heart-to-heart. Or rather I should say that Sammi apologizes profusely while Ronnie stuffs his face with condiments. Appropriately, he says he has had a taste of what she went through in Miami and concedes that they have trust issues. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Sammi thinks her night with Ronnie is going splendidly. They head up to the smush room to get it in.
Back at da club, it's slim pickings. A heavier, blur-faced girl offers her services as a grenade. Pauly and Vinny politely decline, only to be met by some 50+-year-old lady that Pauly deems "the mother of all warriors" dancing up on them for the rest of the night. He thinks she's an atomic bomb about to blow. Watch out, Vinny, you might get pink eye! They eventually pick the least horrific girls in the crowd and bring them home. It's worth pointing out that even Sitch deems the girls that night not worth it, which does not speak well of Pauly and Vinny.
All's well that bends well, though. Unfortunately, Vinny fears he won't have the chance to figure that out when his chick invites her brother back to the house. Vinny thinks it's weird to hang out with a guy, then bag her sister. He gets straight to it, asking why the brother is hanging around. The brother says he just wants to know how his sister and her friend are getting home. Pauly sees this as his chance to get out of a grenade-tainted night, so he sends his would-be trick home immediately. Vinny, however, tells the bro he should pick up his sister the morning. Guess it's not that weird, then, huh? Pauly's would-be trick calls him out for being a dick. Seeing that drama is a-brewing, Vinny cuts his losses and sends both girls home. Pauly's near-miss starts to talk, and Deena shushes her, saying, "I think it's better if you don't say anything." Now that girl is going to know a unique form of humiliation, being shushed by the person who didn't realize she had no swimsuit bottoms on.
After the girls leave, everyone is laughing about them. Vinny publicly stands up and drags Snooki toward his bedroom as he says, "All right, come on..." Everyone thinks he just did something fucked up, and he immediately backpedals, claiming he was just kidding. Snooki interviews that she's not anyone's last resort. She thinks she should be a first priority, especially with someone like Vinny. She refuses to deal with his antics and storms outside.
Sitch thinks Snooki has every right to be mad since she's the one getting played. Snooki takes issue with the fact that Vinny feels one way drunk and another sober. She tells him it feels like she's being put in second place. Literally pinning her against a wall, which, ugh, he apologizes. It's almost well enough, but he can't resist suggesting they go have sex. She says this is exactly what she's talking about and giving in to him will just make her look like a stupid asshole. Grant you, as she's saying this, he is literally humping her against the wall. All while Deena and Sitch watch under the pretense that they've come outside to smoke. Transparency be thy name!
Vinny picks up Snooki caveman-styles under the assumption that they're going to go back to his room and smush. She throws out her arms to stop him at the threshold, so he continues humping her in the air. Pauly wonder what he had to drink, especially because he only had two of them. Whatever it was, I could probably use it, too. Snooki insists this joke is not funny because it makes her look bad. Vinny tells Snooki he thought they were closer than this and walks away pouting. He quickly gets into a spat with Deena, and Sammi declares him "the ultimate douchebag." Takes one to know one, Giancola. And then they have the world's shortest rap battle, which Sammi declares over after Vinny declares her "the sneakiest bitch you'll ever meet," then slips in his socks and falls on his face.
The day, Pauly, Sitch, and JWOWW report to their last day of work at the shore store. And by "work," I mean that Pauly tells people JWOWW is pregnant while Sitch literally sleeps on the job. He has found such a crafty napping spot, in fact, that their boss searches the boardwalk for him before finding him back in one of the changing stalls. Situation = fired. Yells Pauly, "BUSTED!"
Later, Sammi is feeling the pain after last night's drunken carousal, not only because she had sex with Ronnie, but also because she slept in her contacts and is practically blind now. Ronnie offers to take her to the doctor for the latter affliction. While they're gone, Ronnie's mom (who is awesomely named Connie) drunk dials the duck phone. She gets Deena, who learns that Connie loves her and that she's tan like an Indian. Deena passes the phone over to JWOWW in time for the weepy recap of SamRo 2.0's Miami drama. JWOWW eventually passes the phone over to The Situation, who at first claims there's no spin to get out of a phone conversation but then is all too happy to shoot the shit about Sammi's supposed texting adultery with Arvin. Ohhhhh, Sitch. Then again, I can imagine one would stir the pot if they were in the middle of such a boring season.
That evening, Deena makes Jell-O shots that Pauly announces he "wouldn't touch with your dick." Sitch joins the fold to tell the kids about his conversation with Connie. Speak of the devil, Ronnie walks in just as Connie calls yet again. JWOWW tells Sammi that Sitch spilled the beans about the latest episode of the SamRo 2.0 saga. Sammi thinks it's weird (I would add inappropriate) that Sitch would be on the phone with Ronnie's mom for nearly half an hour. She wants to punch that "dirty little grimy scumbag" in the face and immediately goes to Ronnie -- who is drunk-shaming his mother at that very minute -- to fill him in and express her rage.
She walks off to cool her heels, giving Ronnie the opportunity to go outside and talk it over with the housemates. Sitch tells Ronnie he heard rumors that Sammi very likely hooked up with the text-message lothario. JWOWW pragmatically suggests SamRo 2.0 call it even considering his (actual) indiscretions in Miami. Pauly and Ronnie both insist this summer in Jersey was supposed to start with a clean slate. Pauly adds that Sammi won't admit to what she did, which is off-base on multiple levels, including the fact that Ronnie only admitted his bullshit after being forced to and also the fact that there is no proof that Sammi actually did anything wrong. Not to mention the fact that they were broken up (albeit for about 36 hours) at the time of the supposed text affair. Ugh. It's too stupid to parse any further. But I'm sure they will for the rest of the unholy lives, even after the damn cameras leave. Vinny likewise goads Ronnie's insecurities. JWOWW says she thinks the guys are brainwashing Ronnie. To wit, Ronnie insists it only looks like The Situation is stirring the pot when, in fact, he's being a true friend. Unlike those note-writing hussies in Miami. It just goes to show for the bazillionth time that the loudest person at the Jersey Shore is the right one. Argh.
Inside, JWOWW fills in Sammi about the trash Sitch is talking. Sammi bursts outside, and the guys clam up. She calls Sitch a scheming, shady scumbag. Sitch sticks to his story and there's lots of overlapping screaming that ends with Sitch telling Sammi she's a bad arguer. Fair enough. Her main point does seem to be "You're a liar," though she can't prove irrefutably that she didn't do anything wrong. Then again, how do you prove the absence of something? She insists she has nothing to hide, so Ronnie tells Sitch to find Arvin's phone number so they can have a little conference call. And they call Sammi a sneaky bitch. A lot.
The guys head inside, where Vinny basically says he wouldn't trust a girl to text another guy about anything, even the weather. All the guys agree heartily, which pretty neatly sums up the unwinnable mindset Sammi is up against. Pauly calls shenanigans that Sammi was good friends with this guy and Ronnie had never heard of him. Because, as we know, all girlfriends must report to their abusive, 'roided out boyfriends before they even consider breathing.
While Sitch gets the number, the girls sit outside and talk shit about the guys. JWOWW rightly notes that Sammi was technically single, and Snooki puts Sitch on blast for being fake. Sammi thinks it's over with Ronnie -- then awesomely acknowledges the verbal landslide of "done" that she has inflicted upon all of us. Back inside, Sitch reaches Arvin. He corrects The Situation's misapprehension that they've known each other for more than year but confirms to Ronnie (with a swagger that I consider suspect) that he has made out with Sammi on a couple of occasions. Ronnie also says he's done, but with much less self-awareness. What's new?
week: JWOWW and Roger become exclusive. More dog poop. More verbal diarrhea from Ronnie.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then play the Shore edition of Would You Rather! And see what our vlogger thinks of the show, below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!