Previously: Roger returned. So did Sammi. JWOWW was happy. Ronnie, less so. At least until Sammi decided that he was somehow "different," a.k.a. exactly the damn same. How long can we endure this cycle of abuse?! I'm not talking about SamRo 2.0. I'm talking about that which the producers inflict upon us...
We open this week with a road trip as Vinny and Pauly accompany each other to Staten Island -- "an actual island," Vinny reminds Pauly, Rhode "Island" native. As they make the Iliad-esque hour-long journey, SamRo 2.0 go for manis and pedis (seriously, it happened), and The Situation shares some shenanigans with Lean Cuisine (apparently this is the name of one of JWOWW's foofy dogs) and "the big one" (JWOWW's other, likely chubbier and more bitter, dog). There is pizza from the trash. There is peanut butter and fluff slathered on the floor of the shore house. All in all, a good weekday afternoon if you ask me.
Staten Island. The "Guido circus" (Pauly's description of Vinny's family) warmly greet our two journeymen. One of Vinny's uncles asks Pauly what's up with his hair, declaring, "Bride of Frankenstein ain't got nothing on you." That's right, Bride of Frankenstein. You're not motorcycle-proof, bitch. time, come correct with that hair, hooker.
As the Staten Island contingent (name your band that... NOW!) sits down for a bountiful Sunday dinner, we flash back to the shore house, where Sitch encourages the fluffernutter engorged Lean Cuisine to piss and shit all over the house. Wow, they're really stretching for content, hey?
Wow, and then literally nothing happens in Staten Island. Honestly. They had dinner and left. Refer to last paragraph.
The girls return home and JWOWW immediately pronounces, "Something smells like poop." Sammi says it's disgusting. And she knows from disgusting. She has slapped uglies with Ronnie. Hundreds of times. The girls clean up, and JWOWW immediately fingers The Situation in the misspent afternoon. Deena and Sammi smell the dogs and confirm that they smell like knock-off Axe body spray, a.k.a. Sitch. And then that vignette is over. Okay, it's officially been seven minutes. Way to pack 10% of the hour with momentum, editors!
Everyone gets ready to go out to da club. Snooki announces that she's going to get it in tonight and promptly meets a cheap Pauly imitation on the dance floor. She makes sure his last name ends in a vowel, then gets to grinding. Across the floor, Ronnie is also getting down to business. He leans in for a kiss with Sammi, and she lets him kiss her for about 10 seconds before dismissing him for being drunk. He says it doesn't matter and escorts her out the club so they can reignite the dysfunctional flame.
High jinx ensue as everyone walks home, including Snooki scraping her knee. Waaaaaaaah! Luckily, her second-rate Pauly is there to carry her home. On a more dramatic front, Sammi suddenly realizes that she was drunk enough to let Ronnie kiss her, and she starts to recoil. A good response. Surely a fluke. She asks Ronnie what she ever did to him. Which is a wildly valid question. He blames her for walking out on him. She wonders why he didn't chase her. And the kicker: He claims he loves her that much. That he was thinking of her and doing what was best for her. And also breaking her fucking glasses. Ack! Regardless, Sammi seems to buy into it -- as ever -- and agrees with him (and the rest of humanity), saying "I had to get away from you." And then he takes recovery for her recovery from her breakdown (that he caused). That Ronnie, he's a one-stop shop of fuuuuuuucked up.
The kids arrive home. While Sammi flees Ronnie as fast as humanly possible, Snooki lets Pauly Jr. attend to her wounds. He proves a good enough nurse that she hands him Crocadilly, with which to get it in. Because that is truly the best seduction line ever: "Lay the fuck down and lay with Crocadilly." Vinny doesn't know what sorts of plushy goodness he's missing, y'all. As they roll around in Snooki's bed, Sammi goes to sleep in the mattress on the floor of her room (because, if you'll recall, Ronnie fucking obliterated her bed frame). For some reason, she deems it "too soon" to return to a relationship with Ronnie. I wonder why... Maybe because he Tazmanian Deviled through your life for the last two years, the climax of which was a literal hurricane of destruction that happened, like, four days ago? She doesn't elaborate, so I guess we'll never know.
The day, Vinny goes with the girls to get spray tanned, because he's sick of being called Casper the Ghost. He brags that he even showered and exfoliated, then tells the spray tan technician that he wants to be "black." We get a full show as the tech sprays the Moby Dick-shrinkingly cold dye on Vinny's high-and-tight boxer brief-clad body, and I'm here to tell you that Vinny is rocking a pretty good body. I mean, it's no cartoon-character-absurd mess like The Situation, but for a normal person who has other interests besides GTL, it's on point. I'll just ignore whatever weird tattoo he's got going on his right shoulder blade (is that a cockroach?) and skip to the fist pumping goodness. In short, Vinny approves. JWOWW jokes that he looks like he belongs.
As they head home, JWOWW sees Roger driving in his car in front of them. She honks several times to no avail, then pulls up beside him. Ronnie and Vinny immediately start laughing that Roger has a girl with him who is doing "the ill dip." JWOWW adds that Roger's car was suddenly zigzagging, and Sammi laughs uncomfortably. I thought this was some sort of oral sex reference, but after Roger speeds through a red light, it seems the dipping was just him avoiding her to hide the girl in his car. Who was giving him head, hopefully. JWOWW laughs along with the others, but Vinny notices she's starting to spout steam from the ears. She immediately calls Roger -- who doesn't answer -- and leaves him a message that she's done with him. Which, unlike SamRo 2.0, actually means something.
Pauly and Ronnie laugh at the havoc they've wreaked as they make dinner for everyone. As the food is laid out, Sammi gives Vinny a playful noogie, and he growls, "Don't touch me, I'm tan." JWOWW emerges from her pity palace and asks for feedback about what actually happened with Roger earlier that day. Shock of all shocks, Sammi is the first one to jump forward and make excuses for a guy. In this case, though, it turns out that her justifications might actually be true. JWOWW remembers that Roger was getting a haircut at the time she left him the nasty voicemail, which explains why he didn't pick up. And perhaps the person who did "the dip" just wanted to get away from her crazy ass. Everyone squalls at JWOWW for being crazy, which is like a bunch of rain drops screaming at another one "You're wet!!!" during a thunderstorm. God, these people have no perspective. Also? Don't take away JWOWW's fiery spirit, jerks. It's the only thing that keeps me going some Thursdays.
That evening, the guys go outside to play with kites and remote-controlled helicopters (and who said this show wasn't thrilling?), so the girls pull out water balloons to pelt them and get back at them. For what? I don't know. Except Deena is useless at water balloons... and life. Her balloon pops in her hand as she throws it across the roof, then she wipes out on the floor of the kitchen when they go downstairs to restock. Ohhhhhhh, Deena. As the girls put on trash bags -- in homage to Angelina (at least in my dreams) -- the guys stage their own theater of retaliation, proving infinitely more effective at water balloon warfare than the girls. And this goes on for what seems like hours, with narration by Vinny, who is hiding because he just got spray tanned. Things climax when Ronnie throws Sammi and Deena into the hot tub.
Things take a turn for the ugly when Roger returns JWOWW's pissy message. He explains that she did see him on the road but that he was alone and running late for his haircut. He tells her to cut that shit out and give him some breathing room. She apologizes and confessionalizes that Roger has become more than the rebound guy she expected him to be. She's actually developing feelings for him.
The day, Ronnie tells Sammi that he misses her and asks her to work things out. Sitting on a mattress on the floor (because, again, he broke her fucking bed frame in a 'roid rage) and wearing her brand new pair of glasses (to replace the ones he broke in a 'roid rage), she seems skeptical. He insists that they've both changed, as if both of them needed to change and not just him. Sammi says she's happy right now and liking the person who he has been. She assures him he's her best friend and that she does love him. She interviews that she's anxious to walk away from him now that she's seen his good side again. To his face, she says she's scared. He straight-up pressures her for an answer, saying he "needs to know." And while he doesn't overtly say that he will move on if she's not interested, the threat is there. And if that threat isn't enough of a deterrent for her, then nothing will be. Regardless, she gives him the opportunity to prove himself to her while they're working things out between them.
Sammi heads downstairs, where Snooki and JWOWW take her outside to subject her for the inquisition for pandering to Ronnie. She trots out her bullshit about things being different and insists that she's going to continue sleeping in their room, but JWOWW isn't swayed. "It's the same shit, different toilet," she says. But does this one have Vinny's underpants in it?
Everyone takes a break from drama to go to Jenkinson's, a.k.a. the place that Snooki and Deena were supposed to go when Sitch sent them to Times Square. Since Sitch is weirdly missing from almost this entire episode, no such ridiculousness occurs, and everyone gets to the club unscathed. While the boys hit up a nearby batting cage, the girls hit up the bar for actual pitchers of drinks (each) and then assess the throbbing crowd of gorilla juiceheads populating Jenk's. The ladies quickly realize that all the guys at Jenk's are classic Monets. I believe the words she uses are "jacked" and "hideous."
JWOWW says beckoning a juicehead at Jenk's is like tapping on the glass at the aquarium door. The moment the creatures come your way, it freaks you out. And with a fitting shot of an ugly-ass fish, we journey over to the aquarium, where Ronnie, Sammi, and Sammi's friend Drea meet a penguin. The penguin sitter asks the boys and girls what kind of animal a penguin is, and Sammi and Ronnie are shocked to find out that a penguin is a bird, not a mammal -- because there are so many mammals with beaks... American public education, folks!
Everyone heads back home to have a face mask slumber party with The Situation. Apparently the man loves his mask. Sitch puts a white clay mask on Snooki, and she claims that she looks like a "pale freak" like Vinny. Heh. She insists she doesn't want to look at any mirrors until the mask wears off, then parades in front of the rest of the roommates. Vinny says she looks like The Crow, but my money's on "squished Michael Myers." Pauly eventually comes up with the bright idea that Snooki, the darkest girl in the house, actually looks like a mime, and much fun is had with this panto act. Such commands are shouted as "Get in the box!" and "Pull the rope!" and "Jack me off!"
Night falls, and it's Karma time! As soon as the gang arrives, Sitch runs into a friend, who shows him texts that Sammi supposedly sent him during her Ronnie hiatus and perhaps this very night. Cue between scenes flashcard: "INSTIGATOR." S(n)itch calls Sammi a "sneaky bitch," then consults JWOWW to weigh in impartially. Because JWOWW is clearly impartial. Witnessed by the fact that she laughs her face off at seeing the texts, then drags Sitch's friend around da club to show him and his texts to all of the housemates.
Snooki is the only one who doesn't take this indictment at face value. She takes Sammi aside to give her a heads-up that the shit storm is just a few seconds away. Sammi angrily insists she didn't text anyone and goes to Ronnie's side to head off the fireworks. Once there, JWOWW and Snooki dole out the relevant details, including that the guy has Sammi's picture (presumably the one she uses for friends) on his BBMs. Sammi maintains her innocence, but Ronnie wants to see things for himself. They find the guy, who confirms that he has texts from Sammi because he's her friend. Ronnie swiftly moves to exit the scene, which Sammi takes as distrust. And Ronnie's interviews suggest as much. Do you love how quickly he doesn't trust her? He tells her they're done (again, take a shot) and throws it in her face that he could have brought the hottest girl in da club home a couple nights before. To her credit, Sammi basically tells him to fuck off. Then she says the same to Sitch for stirring up this tempest in a teapot in the first place.
The guys head home grenade-free. Ronnie heads upstairs while Sitch defends himself and Pauly makes a fluffernutter, the official dog snack of the Jersey Shore. The guys agree that Sitch was looking out for Ronnie and that Sammi was caught red-handed. Pauly coins a new term: "GTF -- Gym, Tanning, Find Out Who Sammi Was Texting Behind Ronnie's Back." He adds "GTI -- Gym, Tanning, I'm Not Buying It" in response to Sammi's claim that the other guy was just a friend. Vinny notes that irony that Ronnie is usually the one in the dog house, and the guys think it's funny that Sammi was actually sneaking around behind Ronnie's back and looking like an innocent this whole time. Which, strike me down if I'm wrong, but I don't buy: LPI -- Lazy, Pale, I'm Not Buying It.
Pauly puts some popcorn in the microwave in anticipation of the bust-up between Sammi and Ronnie. Instead, she comes home and nothing happens. They agree that it's lame, totally not realizing that they are the ones making this whole situation lame and overplayed. They actually sit there for a good hour or so just waiting for shit to blow. When Vinny chants, "Shady, Shady, Aftermath..." Sammi can't take it anymore and calls out Sitch for being the shadiest person in the house, not to mention grimy and two-faced. They go back and forth, calling the other more shady than themselves. Sammi sticks to her story, and Sitch pointedly claims he's just honoring "Boy Code."
Ronnie finally jumps in on Sitch's side. Pauly and Vinny bob their heads back and forth with no small amount of satisfaction. Sammi calls on her girls to back her up, but they don't have a chance because Ronnie explodes. He starts railing about, essentially, how he had to do penance for about 36 hours for months of cheating and acting like a shit. And she should feel bad because he feels bad! And if this little outburst isn't the operative philosophy of their relationship, then I don't know what is. Sitch thinks Ronnie is getting played while he's "calling for roses, crying on [Sitch's] shoulder... listening to Michael Bolton!" Which leads me to believe that The Situation didn't instigate this fight because of Sammi or Ronnie or anything to do with the Jersey Shore. I think he started it because he's secretly angry he had to spend but a few hours of his life with Michael Bolton. Wouldn't you be?
Ronnie follows Sammi into her room and physically manhandles her to talk to him -- by which I mean let him make her feel like shit some more. As they fight, Sitch insists he was right to tell Ronnie about the supposed wrongdoing. Vinny agrees that he "wasn't wrong" (says the Harvard Law School applicant) but does acknowledge that he stirred up a serious shit storm. Deena and Snooki look on in the distance, like, "We are. Over. This. Bullshit." And Pauly, as ever, voices the frustration of the gang (and perhaps America at large): "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." As the screeching continues, everyone reaches the consensus that SamRo 2.0 is dun-to-the-zo.
week: The Snooki-Vinny tango continues, with more insults and innuendos! Sitch does some more sleuthing, only to uncover that Sammi wasn't shady after all. And Ronnie still doesn't believe her!
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