Previously: Snooki had it bad for Vinny. Then she and Deena went on a bad trip to Times Square, courtesy of The Situation. And Ronnie was just plain bad for Sammi, so she left. But now she's baaaaaaaack!
We rejoin the scene in progress: Sammi rides back to the shore house, and Ronnie is blissfully ignorant as he prepares Ron Ron Juice for the gang. Sammi enters amidst one of Ronnie's corny jokes. Everyone hugs her, and he makes a point of cranking up the blender to underscore the chaos her return will bring about. As Sammi walks upstairs, Vinny asks the others if he just experienced a dream. Ronnie interviews that he wouldn't have minded if Sammi stayed away for a few more days. He says, "She walked into the door, and I was just like, 'F-M-L.'" You and me both, mister. Mark this as the second occasion ever that I have agreed with Ronnie. Because, seriously, who leaves on such a ridiculous note, then returns without a single word of warning? Sammi "Sweetheart," that's who.
Ronnie goes out for a stress smoke while Sammi goes upstairs to let a Snooki and Deena know she's back. Snooki spills a huge mug full of water (or, more likely, vodka) as she hugs Sammi, and Deena tells us that she was "huh-static," which she defines as, "you know, when you're, like, super-happy and, like... really happy." Downstairs, Vinny gives Ronnie a subtle but firm warning to cut out the fighting from now on. The guys discuss that they didn't even realize Sammi was gone. Which is a flagrant lie because Ronnie was moping around like a punk for the last 60 hours until Sitchy's little Times Square taxi prank. Nonetheless, it does seem that Sammi's return disturbed a delicate ecosystem that had finally reached its homeostasis.
In any case, both Sammi and Ronnie insist they're going to be their single selves. Sammi even paid a visit to the nail salon so she could come correct on her return to Seaside Heights. Ronnie lumbers back inside, and Sammi tells him that he looks very pale. He tells her that it's because he just saw a ghost, then laughs a little too hard and is joined by no one else. Aw-kward!!!!!
The girls head outside and tell Sammi how depressed and forlorn Ronnie was without her. Sammi feels like Ronnie should feel that way after all he put her through. Back inside, the guys are likewise sympathizing with Ronnie, including an extended session of imitating Sammi interrogating the other girls about Ronnie's comings-and-goings while she was gone. Based on this impression, I'd advise these guys to stick to their day jobs. Oh wait! They don't have any. Pauly sums it up best: "What a fuckin' joke!" And Ronnie ices the cake: "The joke's on me, huh?"
The shock subsided, everyone gets ready to hit da club. Deena: "Do I look embarrassing?" Pauly: "Only when you wake up." Snooki calls Vinny over to tell him that she wants to cuddle with him that night. She tries to pretend like she's cool if he brings home a girl, but clearly she's not. He even gives her the chance to forbid him from bringing home a girl that night, but it's probably just a reverse psychology ploy because he then suggests that she might want to bring home a guy herself. At any rate, I'm guessing that huge mug was full of vodka because Snooki is already well in the sauce. She interviews that she wants to try her luck again with Vinny and his Moby Dick. JWOWW and her breasts-to-the-ceiling (truly, they are higher this particular night than ever before) look at Snooki's bumbling maneuvering and just laugh. Pauly screams like a maniac at Deena for good measure. Because that's his entire function at this point. Yelling. And everyone takes a shot and toasts to Times Square on the way out the door.
Karma. The girls toast to their single status. Ronnie looks on anxiously from the side and swoops in the moment a guy talks to Sammi, to ask if she needs him to "save" her. She tells him everything's fine, so he tells her she looks beautiful and tries to grab her hand. She simultaneously recoils, rolls her eyes, and calls him out for sucking up to her. He braces himself for a night full of mutually passive-aggressive bullshit. She interviews that Ronnie deserves to suffer for at least a couple of hours for all he's put her through. It's game-playing, for sure, but kind of valid, no? I mean, I don't think any amount of suffering on Ronnie's part would actually justify her going back to him, but what can it hurt to string him on for a night or two just for kicks? If nothing else, do it for your glasses, Sammi!
Ronnie literally follows Sammi around like a lost puppy, which Snooki thinks makes him look like a douchebag. Sammi wonders what's up with him. Yes, Sammi. What is this treatment that is both respectful and attentive? Surely that can't be how a boyfriend behaves with the so-called love of his life? Ugh. He claims to be happy that she's back (despite bullshit, macho interviewing to the contrary). She asks if he's about to leave and essentially brushes him off by telling him to have fun. Ronnie finally takes the clue and goes home.
As the night goes on, Snooki gets drunker and more desperate for Moby Dick. Sammi thinks they need to reach some resolution to their sexual tension because "it could be dangerous to the health." To wit, Snooki tells Sammi, "If he brings home a girl, I'm going to kill myself." At that very moment, Vinny meets a Dominican chica named Laura who wants to have 10 of his babies that very night. Since she has a DTF gal pal for Pauly, they take the party back to the house. Minutes later, Snooki can't get Vinny out of her mind, so she convinces Sammi -- who warns her not to ruin her friendship -- to head home with her.
Back at the house, Vinny and Pauly are mutually macking with their girls. Snooki stumbles back in and straight into Vinny's room, all, "REALLLLY?" Ronnie immediately jumps in to stop the girls from cock-blocking his boy. He literally has to carry Snooki out of the room caveman-style and smash his hand over her mouth because she's making such a drunken stink about Vinny getting it in with this random. Sammi tries to convince Snooki that she can do better than Vinny and makes a special point of telling Snooki that "Guys are fucked," then looks pointedly at Ronnie. But Snooki has the unique focus of someone who is blind wasted, so it pretty much goes all over her head. As do most things... because she's 4'9". Ronnie brings up the fact that she had sex with Gianni, as if this is something that should sufficiently shame her into leaving Vinny alone. Also? As if the shame of Vinny making it entirely clear he's not into her like that weren't enough. (Then again... been there.)
Snooki notes the ugly irony of Ronnie giving her advice, since he is basically the worst boyfriend ever (aside from maybe Chris Brown circa 2009, though it's a really tight race). Snooki staggers off to bed. Ronnie tells Sammi he's just looking out for both of his friends, and Sammi awesomely tells him not to act "like a drunk fuck." I like brassy new Sammi! Somehow this devolves into a relationship conversation. She tells him it's not their time and that she's not just going to fall back into his arms. He gasps and holds back tears, then assumes his macho stance in a later interview, snarking that he doesn't know what Sammi means when she tells him she's done. Well, Ronnie, she said she couldn't be a relationship with a cheater and a liar. So, I think that's pretty clear.
Meanwhile, JWOWW and Deena have embarked upon the fool's errand of walking home from Karma all by their drunken lonesomes. In case Deena hadn't fully gotten some weird case of foot herpes from walking barefoot, she seals her feet fate by standing entirely too close to JWOWW as The WOWW pees behind a parked car. Worst of all, the gorilla digits Deena picked up at the club fall into a pool of JWOWW's pee when she scampers off to get out of the urinary stream. Sorry, random guy from da club, you lose, JWOWW's bladder wins.
The girls get home to find Sammi cuddling and consoling Snooki, who is bawling that Vinny brought home a girl. Out in the kitchen, the guys have their post-coital meal and condemn Snooki for daring to want to have sex with Vinny when she hooked up with Gianni the night before (or two nights before, if we're going for accuracy). JWOWW comes out to tell Vinny that Snooki is crying over him, and he calls her a hypocrite for getting mad at her for smushing when she "hooks up with all of Seaside." A.k.a. three guys in a month. OMG, y'all, I can't even get into the bullshit of this logic anymore. These guys would literally fuck a different girl every hour on the hour if given the chance, but if a girl wants to get naked with two guys within a 24-hour period, that is completely unacceptable. Well then, what is an acceptable mourning period for slapping skins? 72 hours? A week? A month? And since when, Vinny, did you become the fucking center of the universe? The hard-on around which all women must revolve? Shut. It. Down.
Vinny goes into Snooki's room to ask what's wrong. She says she only wants to be with him. So he does the natural thing and shames her for bringing home a guy a few nights before. She slams up a wall. He tells her she's drunk and promises to talk to her tomorrow. He tells her he loves her before he leaves to go the confessional, where he genuinely seems to feel a little bit bad that he's upset Snooki. Deena crawls into Snooki's bed and consoles her as she cries some more sloppy tears.
The morning (presumably afternoon), Sammi forcefully tries to wake up Snooki to join the gang on a bowling expedition. She politely declines, and we're treated to a few minutes of Deena's god-awful driving. Even unflappable Pauly gets anxious when she's behind the wheel. They finally arrive, and Sammi takes Vinny aside to tell him that Snooki has developed feelings for him. She advises him to have a serious talk with her and "do the right thing."
They head back home. JWOWW catches up with Snooki, who is embarrassed that she basically blacked out before. She admits that she might have real feelings for Vinny, which is a surprise to JWOWW. Snooki feels like she looks stupid, since Vinny is bringing home girls even after she said she wanted to spend the night with him. While she goes to wallow in her shame spiral, the other girls discuss her quandary. They isolate the problem to the fact that she's always looking for a boyfriend and isn't the type of girl who can cope with hooking up casually, like Vinny would prefer. He heads into her room to try to smooth things over, but she tells him to go away, and he complies.
While Snooki feels like shit, everyone else deals with literal shit. Yes, it's the thrilling final chapter of the weeks-long bathroom drama known as Guiding Shite. Ronnie sticks a couple of measly tissues up his nose and decides to address the scatological saga once and for all. But he doesn't get very far before retching and fleeing the scene. Apparently these bright young things have left the festering toilet bowl for so long that it has developed algae. The Situation seeks solace in the fur of JWOWW's dog, which I can't imagine smells that good. Ronnie thinks someone took an additional dump on top of the already horrifying clog that has stopped up this toilet for the last who-knows-how-long. Vinny says any plumber bold enough to go up against this toilet deserves a metal. JWOWW calls their boss from the T-shirt shop (a.k.a. their landlord) to resolve the problem, and he is predictably obnoxious that they didn't handle this ugliness days ago.
Eventually, two plumbers arrive. Snooki shows them the scene of the grime, noting that "the fat one is actually kind of cute, like I would hang out with that." The plumber assures her (weakly) that he's not scared of the toilet and promises to fix their problem. After assessing the toilet, he tells them they might need to take the entire toilet out. He asks how long they've had a problem, and Snooki tells him it's been about two weeks. He says he's surprised they don't have maggots. MAGGOTS. In the time they let this toilet sit and rot to the point they almost had motherfucking maggots, these people made $60,000 apiece. What is wrong with this picture? Oh, but it's not over. After bringing in both a WetVac and an industrial-strength plumbing snake, the plumbers ass-ertain the problem: Someone flushed a frigging T-shirt down the toilet. Size small. Must be Vinny. The best part is that Snooki then asks if the guys will clean the bathroom when they're done. Holy. Cannoli. WTF?!
After JWOWW calls Roger to update him on this new development, everyone eventually gathers around. Vinny insists it wasn't his shirt, but JWOWW says she thinks it's understandable that someone might have dropped a T-shirt down the toilet pre- or post-shower and just tried to flush it instead of fishing it out of the tank. (No, Ms. WOWW, that is not understandable, but continue...) Vinny maintains his innocence, so Pauly comes up with some abstruse alien parable, the gist of which is, "You did it, bro. Fess up."
It's all pretty secondary for JWOWW, though, because what she really wants is for someone to take ownership by cleaning the bathroom. Despite the fact that she had nothing to do with the flushed T-shirt, Snook acknowledges that she hasn't cleaned anything the entire time she's been at the house and decides to tackle this chore. Lots of squealing ensues. And then she drops the cap of the toilet bowl cleaner into the actual toilet bowl. And you know that, even after all this, she totally tried to flush that thing. I hope they're keeping those plumbers on retainer...
As the day wears on, Sammi notices that Ronnie is a changed man, happier and nicer than usual. Along with Snooki, they try to figure out what to do that night and decide to switch things up by staying sober for an evening. So where do they head? The bar. Naturally. Meanwhile, the rest of the housemates head out to another bar. Vinny lays ground for a ménage with a bicurious trick and her girlfriend. JWOWW reunites with Roger. And Old Man Sorrentino checks the IDs of his potential smash partners to make sure they're of age. Ummmm, okay.
Back at the house, the sober crew returns with vengeance in mind. For some reason, they decide to go to the refrigerator, where they zero in on both grated and cream cheese. They smear and sprinkle the dairy goodness on Sitch's bed, confident in the fact that he will never discover it, since he never washes his sheets. They happily pile into the confessional to gloat about their prank and cheer for Team Sober.
Back at the bar, Pauly and Sitch invite their smash buddies home, where Sammi and Snooki mock their grenade-like choices and laugh the minute that Sitch heads upstairs to get it on atop a bed of parmigiano. Snooki worries that he and his trick might both get pinkeye, but Sammi thinks it would be well-deserved.
A couple days later, Deena, Snooki and JWOWW are bitching about how smelly their porch is when Sitch comes out all, "Speaking of odors..." He tells them about his trick from the other night and how she smelled like grated cheese. He says he even let her keep his clothes because of her hobo-like aroma. Snooki plays along, claiming that's disgusting, then runs to Sammi the first chance she gets to report that their mission was a success. Snooki says Sitch is a sucker, and that it's the best prank in Jersey Shore history.
A few minutes later, Sitch follows them upstairs to tell them how he booted his trick out the minute he got head, then sprayed his bed down with Axe. Of course he did. JWOWW tells him that he probably got an STD from the oral sex, and Sitch seems blown away that that's even an option. Hello, Herpes Simplex B? This is confirmed by a call to the local medical clinic. Good thing they hand out Valtrex like candy at this joint. The doctor also confirms that the grated cheese odor that supposedly emanated from this girl could indicate a yeast infection. Everyone groans and ewwwwwws like third graders. Says JWOWW, "It won't be long before Mike's dick falls off." Sitch thinks it's all good because he just got head and didn't even make out with the girl (who is this person?). JWOWW jokes that he'll probably have some yeast in him. Cue another round of "Ewwwwww!" as Sitch fist pumps proudly.
That night, Snooki apologizes to Vinny for acting a drunken fool the other night. He says it upset her and says he doesn't want her to cry. She takes the blame, saying she doesn't want their friendship to change. "So I can still keep smashing girls?" he asks devilishly. She calls him an asshole and, with that, everything's back to normal!
week: JWOWW catches Roger getting vehicular pleasure. Sitch catches Sammi arranging a tryst and resolves to tell on her, much to Ronnie's displeasure.
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