Previously: SamRo fought and cried and made up. Sam hated JWOWW, and was completely horrible to her, but the gang talked her into staying. I have to assume they were contractually obligated to do so. Sam made up with JWOWW. Sort of. Opening. Am I the only one who thinks they could use some quote updates there? I am pretty sick of "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" and Ronnie's crazy laugh. Anyway, we pick up right where we left off, with JWOWW and Sam hugging and making up. Which leads to much group binge-drinking and fun. Until Sam gets annoyed that Ron's having a fun time. He says it's one step forward and two steps back, but she explains that he got drunk and motorboated some girls' "girls" when he was drunk, so she just can't trust him. Then there's Sitch, Pauly, and Vinny -- all having a grand time with ladies. Mike brings one home, followed by cranky Sam, followed by Ron and some other fools.
At the house, Mike and his girl go to bed while Ron asses out on the bean bag chair. When Sam tries to talk to him, he drunk-walks himself up to bed. She follows him with whatever food she's made him and then tries to feed him like a baby in his bed while he shakes his drunk-ass head. Gotta say: The guy's got more sense drunk than sober. He explains later how much the room was spinning, as it shows him pushing Sam away before throwing up. Dude! That is exactly how America feels about this relationship. Sam freaks out and runs away because she can't do throw up, but she somehow stuck her hand in it. Mike and his lady stay in the other bed.
The morning, JWOWW finds Snooki sleeping in the dog pen and drags her to her bed. She tells Deena where she found her and they giggle, while Snooki stays passed out in her bed. Ron wakes up still sick, and tells Sam he's bleeding when he goes to the bathroom. Sam asks the question that no one is wondering: "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no idea." Then she heads to the doctor with him. And the doctor, for some reason, agreed to be on camera so we get to see the whole goddamned thing. Unfortunately. The doctor tells Ron they'll "check out the area," but won't do anything crazy with scopes or anything. Ron laughs uncomfortably then lays down to let the guy check out his ass. Sam sits in the waiting room as the guy feels up Ron's butt. Ron grimaces, as Sam just smiles in the waiting room, so happy to be there for her juicehead in his time of ass pain. The doctor tells Ron that he messed up his asshole by drinking too much. Wow. They must drink a lot in Seaside, because I'm from a town of alcoholics and have never heard of anything like that. Back in the waiting room, Sam laughs at Ron, who assures her it's not hemorrhoids or anything like that. Because it's so much better to drink until your ass explodes, I guess. (Right about now I am wondering if Lady Lola knew this episode was going to be all about Ronnie's ass, and that's why she needed a fill-in recapper. Because... I wouldn't blame her.) Thank God for commercial reprieve.
Deena and JWOWW break some bad news to Snooki: They're not going to get their nails done today. This elicits a sad face, but no "WAH!" So that's a big step up in the maturity department for Snooki. Or she's just too hung-over to make a sound. You decide. JWOWW asks her if she wants to go the day between work shifts, and she agrees. Instead, they all go to the pharmacy. On the way, they talk about how girls are such liars for saying they've never masturbated. In JWOWW's defense, she mostly just sits and listens. Snooki almost apologizes later when she tells us that her conversations with Deena and Jenni are always "fucked up" because they have no shame. As if we need narration to tell us that. Anyway, Snooki once masturbated all day and couldn't move the day. So, they finally arrive at the pharmacy, where Snooki chooses to ride a toy tricycle around. She breaks the handlebars off, but doesn't want to pay for it (which is especially ridiculous considering how much money they make to do basically nothing), so she makes JWOWW go put it back and pretend it never happened. JWOWW thinks it's fine she didn't pay for it, since it was $150.
Back home, Snooki and Deena psychoanalyze JWOWW's dogs by comparing them to themselves. The needy one reminds them of Snooks, and the wild animal is Deena. Pauly's in the doorway, all "Really?" But don't think he's going to object to them comparing themselves to dogs. He just wonders how they're not getting ready yet. Snooki asks him to come out and make out, and he says he will, so Deena jumps in too. He says he'll totally do that and gives them a thumbs up, but then closes the door on his way back inside. The girls talk about how hot he is and how they'd totally do him. Snooki really wants his sperm, to make babies. Wow. This show makes women look so amazing. Ronnie's on the phone with his friend, Petey, who's stuck in traffic but is going to meet them at Karma.
Getting-ready-music-montage. Cleavage creating. Shoe shining. Hair slicking. Hair spraying. And they're off, without a "Cabs are here!" So disappointing. Ronnie's friends are at Karma. There are three of them: Chris, Dario, and Chris. Deena has a thing for Dario, and asks him to dance. Then they start making out right there at the table. JWOWW and Snooks dance together somewhere else. Mike looks up some girls' skirts. Good-time Vinny's fist-pumping. Snooki ends up meeting a guy named Jeff, and accuses him of having a girlfriend. He says he doesn't, so they're making out soon enough. Sam's all freaking out about it, and it is pretty gross and graphic. Snooks says she's taking him home tonight, for sure. Deena asks Ron if Dario will snuggle with her, and she's ready to go now. Sam looks disgusted, but they all go ahead and leave with Deena and Dario.
At the house, it's JWOWW alone, then Snooki and Jeff. She rushes him up to the smoosh room, so Jenni won't freak out about her doing it in their room. She tells us that Jeff's "definitely DTF." And, uh, what guy isn't? They roll around in bed as she tells us about all the moves he was ready to do on her. But she had her period. "Story of my frickin' life." Meanwhile, Dario's feeding Deena a bunch of food as she's telling him she wants to go to the gym because she's so fat. He wants to go inside, but she tells him it's just to cuddle. She uses a couple clichés to explain to us that she doesn't have sex on the first night ("It's not Halloween. I'm not handing out candy for free" and "You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers") then they head to the room and make out. She tells him she hasn't had sex in three months, and they do it. It's okay, though, because she assures us Dario was, like, a good guy.
morning, JWOWW and Sammi are going to work. They try to wake up Mike, but he won't get up, and JWOWW's not catching any shit for him. So they leave. Snooki wants her boy Jeff to dance on the stripper pole for her, though she doesn't need him to strip. He asks if the pole will break, but after her assurances that it won't, he goes ahead and gives it a shot. And, of course, falls on his ass. They laugh. And I try not to fall asleep. Fortunately, we get to see the whole thing a second time after a commercial break. Snooki tells us how much of a blast Jeff is, then they kiss on the porch before heading to the boardwalk to ride the rides. They try to get other couples to make out, then she realizes he has a tongue ring and they kiss some more. Which somehow leads to her telling him that the ocean is salty because of whale sperm, so she won't go in it. Unless she's, you know, drunk enough to get arrested.
Later, Jeff's filling her in on his whole life. He was in the Army, and then the mob, and he had a girlfriend for three years, to whom he was engaged. Snooki freaks out and asks if he has an STD. He says it was a promise ring, and the girl was a virgin. She's okay with the promise ring as long as it wasn't an engagement. Snooki's freaked out, because he's looking to settle down and she's really not. So now she starts pushing him away and then tells him to leave. She's "on to the one."
Back home, the phone quacks and it's Jeff, wondering if Snook was serious. She says she's angry at him for not telling her that sooner. Am I confused, or didn't they just meet a half a day ago? He says she didn't ask, and she tells him it's a big deal. "Hello!?" Then she tells him to go fuck himself and hangs up. Pauly tells her if she doesn't find a new guy at Karma, she can have him. Phone quacks again and Snooki tells everyone not to answer. But DJ Pauly D can't resist. He puts on his best fake phone voice (which is quite good) and says, "Thank you for calling the Jersey Shore store. We are unable to get to the phone at this time, but leave your name, your number, and a b
rief message after the tone, we'll get back to you. Thanks." Then he presses a button to make the tone, and Jeff starts leaving a message, saying he doesn't get why Nicole's pissed after they were fine all day, and he apologizes. So Pauly interrupts and stars in "For Jenni, press 1. For Snooki, press 2." The guy presses the button, but Pauly pretends it was Deena's mailbox and that it's full. He hangs up. Phone quacks and Pauly pretends it's pizza. JWOWW, wearing half a shirt (the front half, fortunately) tells Snooki she can't believe "homeboy got attached." Snooki doesn't want to talk. So Pauly tells Jeff that Snooki's mad, and so he better send "roses to the house. Roses, dawg, with pickles in 'em. Fried pickles!" Then he hangs up. Snooks laughs us into commercial.
Ronnie asks the girls to throw out the shit in the fridge, and Sam says they will, so he leaves with the guys for GTL. The girls invite Sammi to go to the sex store with them to look for games and giant sex toys. Sammi's in, so they all cheer. JWOWW's the designated driver. Snooki's so excited Jenni and Sammi are talking so they can do girl time. At the sex store, they all try on sexy outfits. Nicole tells Jenni that the skimpy leather bikini she has on gave her a boner. Jenni wonders if she should show the boys tonight. Deena's having a little jealousy because she wanted to try on the same outfit JWOWW's wearing. Snooki buys a cheerleading-looking skirt with a baseball jersey top and baseball cap. She says she looks like a hot, drunk baseball player and she's loving it. Then they all leave, with Snooki in hot, drunk baseball player gear, natch. They had a blast, and make fun of the boys doing women's shit (GTL and making dinner) while they're at the sex store being boys.
Cut to the guys scrubbing and cleaning and cooking, as Ron bitches about the girls going to the sex shop. He wants them to come home and clean the table and then do the dishes. Ron is sick of the guys doing all the cooking and cleaning in the house. He doesn't care if they want to clean up after the guys but they could at least clean up after themselves. I can't really argue with that logic, unfortunately. Ron says he's going to yell at them when they come in for not cleaning the fridge. The girls come home all giggling and ready to put heels on and be sexy, but Ron pounces as soon as they walk in, thanking them -- especially Sam -- for not cleaning up the kitchen. Sam lies that she cleaned the table, and asks if he's really giving her attitude about this. Sam gets all offended when she learns that Ron's made penne alla vodka before because he's never made her anything but eggs. He says later that he makes her breakfast every morning, and what's she ever done for him.
They eat dinner, and everyone tells Ron how much they love it. Except Sam, who's just like, "It's pretty good." JWOWW says dinner was tense because of all the tension between SamRo. Mike wishes they could fast-forward to the point when SamRo are done fighting. JWOWW asks how everyone's night was, and... crickets. Or, as Snooki says, "Jiminy Cricket." Deena pipes up that she had a dream Vinny and Pauly made out, and Pauly tells her there's a lot of truth to dreams. Giggles. And silence from Sam and Ron, both with full bitch faces on. Sitch has a headache from this relationship, and it's not even his. Everyone leaves SamRo pouting at the dinner table.
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After some commercials, including one featuring Snooki, SamRo are in their bedroom. She's putting on makeup and asking him what's wrong. He says nothing, but he tells us he really wants space, but Sam just wants to smother him and pick at everything. The girls leave for work at the T-shirt store, where Danny tells them they're two hours late and not wearing T-shirts. Snooki thinks he's a buzzkill. Everyone works and sells, except Snooki, who stands there and does nothing. Because she doesn't like work. She says her favorite part of the job is hanging out with JWOWW, because they can have girl time at work. Cut to them talking about being single. Snooki hates it (then why'd she drop Jeff, who wanted to be with her? That is rare in a guy). While they're talking, Danny throws something at them and tells them to make some sales.
Back at home later, Pauly asks SamRo if they're going out. Ronnie says Sam can, but he's staying home. She asks him why, and he says he's choosing to stay home. She asks if he just wants to break up, and he says, "Whatever, dude." Then he calls her a selfish bitch. Vinny says he doesn't have time for the fight, and Ronnie tells her to go downstairs. Vinny thinks hell has to be just like this, and Mike agrees. Seriously. They totally ruin what used to be an entertaining show. Mike complains that they were waiting for Sam to straighten her hair "whose hair is already straight!" Touche. He says the only thing that needs to be straightened is her brain. Deena asks if she's coming, and she asks when they're leaving. When they say now, she says, "Probably not." Pauly's pissed that they've ruined T-shirt time, so he's changing his T-shirt. No bad T-shirt karma for this guy.
So it's just MVPD this night (I guess Jenni and Snooki are still at work). Pauly talks about how crazy Deena is dancing in the club, and she agrees: "Face down, ass up. That's how I like to have a good time." Pauly sees crazy Danielle again, who threw a drink in his face last time, but this time she just wants to talk to him. He agrees to talk to her, and gives her a hug. She tells him she threw the drink in his face for making her look like a stalker. He tells us she stalked his whole entire life (or, you know, one night) last summer. Then he introduces Mike to "my friend" with a big "OMG!" laugh. He doesn't hold a grudge, and makes a truce with her. He decides to bring her home, and even Deena can't believe someone would be that stupid.
Back at home, Sam and Snooki are outside on the deck, where Sammi's giving Snooki an earful about the fight we already saw. Spare us this, please, editors. We saw it happen and hated it the first time. We don't need Sammi's recap. Snooki thinks Sammi didn't do anything wrong, and all they do is fight. While they're talking, Pauly and Sitch come in with Danielle and another girl (maybe Danielle's friend). Pauly goes straight to his room to get the I Star-of-David Jewish Girls T-shirt she made him. Aww. Is it weird that I'm rooting for a spark between Pauly and his stalker? He says he's sure she thinks he threw it away so he wants to see her facial expression. She walks in and sees him in the shirt, and starts laughing. But then she pretends she can't see it without her glasses. She flips him off, but he says that's all he was looking for and it's all good now. Vinny walks through the kitchen and calls her "Stalker!" Then he interviews about how he can't believe the "Stage 5 Clinger. Alert! Alert!" is in his house. He asks her why she's here, and Deena agrees she doesn't get it after the drink-throwing. Vinny tells her she's the last person he'd expect here, and Pauly agrees. So does Danielle. Vinny thinks she has a Pauly D metal detector that beeps on blowouts and hair gel. Later on the couch, Vinny makes a stork joke that apparently means "stalk" or something. Then a "beanstalk" joke. Pauly wonders why she'd hang out while everyone's giving her shit, then he tells her to leave.
Ronnie and Sammi are in separate beds in their room. She asks him to come over to hers, but he doesn't want to because he's sleeping. She tells him she "straight up doesn't want to do this" with him anymore. He tells her to stop threatening, and says he obviously doesn't want to get into bed with her since he hasn't. She asks what she did, because this isn't fair to her. Ron: "Me, me, me, me, me." True enough. She says if he wants it to be over, let's break up. He says he's sick of breaking up and making up, but agrees they're done. She asks him to look her in the face and break up. Oh, she is so pathetic. I hate it, and it makes me sad for her. He tells her to leave him alone, and she keeps pushing the "look me in the face" angle, as if it's getting her anywhere. Though, to be fair, with him it just might. He turns and looks at her and says it's over, and they're finished. He tells us their relationship has been a "big ball of shit" this summer. He takes off, and she says she needs closure. He doesn't care and says she's sickening. Yes, Ron, but so are you. He storms out.
He compares this to a drawer he's been stuffing full of stuff to the point he can't close it or fit anything else in. She follows him to the patio, and he yells at her about how fake she is and how she's turned her back on him now that she has other friends in the house. She tells him this is the breaking point to the relationship, and she's fine with that. He says it is what it is, and she agrees. He says they can figure out the room situation tomorrow, and she says she'll move her stuff out. They're both done. He says he can make her time here miserable. I'm not sure if he means if they stay together or break up, but probably either way.
week: Sam uses her power of magnetism to get Ron back, by freaking with another guy. Then they get in a giant fight and he throws her shit around and breaks it. She cries and kicks a door in, then goes home. He cries. DRAMA. Let's hope it's the last of it, so this show can go back to being funny.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, wants to go back to the innocent world of T-shirt time, GTL, and "Cabs are here!". You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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