Previously: JWOWW saw the end of her relationship with both Sammi and Tommy. Bitch slaps were thrown, hard drives were stolen. And now the Shore house has yet more hounds and bitches... of the canine variety.
Long Island. Snooki comforts a weeping JWOWW as she reels from Tommy's janky decision to steal her mattress, hard drive, and money. Snooki says she'd like to track down the no-goodnik and chop off his balls. As you do. JWOWW thinks she's just been through the worst break-up ever. Kate Gosselin, Heather Mills, and Denise Richards are all, "Get off our turf, bitch!"
Back in Seaside Heights, Snooki's friend Ryder arrives and is greeted by Vinny. He admits that it's a little awkward since Snooki walked in on him doggy-styling Ryder. He promised Snooki he wouldn't have sex with her again, so he kills time by introducing her to Deena and making stilted conversation. We learn it's Ryder's 22nd birthday, and she gives Vinny an open invitation to "hang out," which he vaguely rebuffs.
Long Island. JWOWW changes her locks. It might as well be quantum physics for all the confusion that ensues. Where are all the handy juiceheads when you need them?
Seeing that Vinny's useless company, Deena takes Ryder out to celebrate her birthday with lots o' shots on the boardwalk. Just when Ryder thinks she's going to puke, Deena suggests they go on a roller coaster. Brilliant strategy, my little meatball! They play pool, drink, walk hand-in-hand, drink, head home, drink... you know the drill.
New locks in place, JWOWW and Snooki gather up the dogs and head back to the Shore. Everyone pregames at the house while they drive home, giving Pauly and Vinny an opportunity to offer Ryder the option of sleeping in their room that night. In case you don't speak Guido, that's code for "gang bang." All four bitches finally arrive home on the cusp of T-shirt time. If there is not a dog with a pouf by the end of this season, I will consider it a major fail.
The gang hits up Karma. JWOWW is thrilled to see Roger, even though he teasingly calls her Björk because of a feathery bustier top she's wearing. Everyone takes shots and dances... Well, everyone but Sammi, who slaps on her scowl the minute they get there. She thinks Ronnie's hitting on another girl when he's actually just talking to a friend's girlfriend. Ronnie has to calm her drunk ass down and smooth over the stank, which is no easy feat.
Vinny meets a Sicilian trick named Gina. As he tries to weasel his way onto her to-do list, he gets to know her entourage consisting -- among others -- of a person named Nicky Ducks and her uncle. Lost cause, man. Move on. Instead, he invites Gina back to the house.
Everyone rolls in merrily, except for... guess who! Upstairs, Sammi is giving Ronnie hell for talking to a girl. He is, as usual, baffled by her "I just ate a shit sandwich" demeanor. She tells him he never loved her and that he hates her. He agrees that, right now, he does hate her a little. Join the club, champ. Sammi threatens to leave the house, so Ronnie angrily dares her to follow through with her empty threats for once. She stomps downstairs to get them both some pizza, so Ronnie takes the opportunity to toss her shit all over the room. The Situation happens upon the rager in progress and wisely keeps to himself, even as Ronnie begins to laugh maniacally. Sammi returns with the pizza, and Ronnie finds it to be insufficient as olive branches go. In fact, he seems to take it as an insult. Apparently the only edible peace offering in his world is a protein shake. Figures. Ronnie points out the tornado of clothing he brought down, and Sammi notices the pile of her belongings on the floor for the first time. She wonders what she did, and all he can do is to keep laughing like a crazypants.
Sitch heads downstairs to update the roomies on the latest chapter of the SamRo 2.0 saga. Quoth Vinny, "If he's giggling, game over." Sitch again wonders whether it's worth it to be in a relationship where you fight all the time. Upstairs, Sammi sobs into her hands as Ronnie pounds his fist into his hand and tells her he could write a book with all the apologies she owes him. He walks out saying her tears mean dick to him. Pauly walks in and looks legitimately freaked out by how horrible these two have become. And that's saying something, not only because Pauly is the most relaxed person in the house, but also because Sammi and Ronnie are regularly on red alert for their belligerence.
Up on the roof, Sitch deploys his patented sweatpants maneuver with the trick he's brought home. She takes the bait, as does her friend. Apparently the friend is a grenade, so Vinny pulls out a vuvuzela that he's re-purposed as a Grenade Whistle. Sitch returns upstairs to tell Pauly that the grenade is riffling through his things, but he doesn't care because he's dodging her at all costs. People start clearing out, so Vinny takes the opportunity to cuddle up on his girl. Just as he goes in for the kill, her uncle shows up to rescue her from this den of iniquity. And thus we say goodbye to Gina. She was the Juliet to Vinny's Romeo, or so he would have us believe. With that, the grenade decides to depart, too. Parting is such sweet sorrow!
As Sitch gets it in, JWOWW heads to Ronnie's side to talk about his most recent fallout with Sammi. Ronnie whimpers like a bitch as JWOWW says she went through the same guilt with Tommy. She assures him that he's a good guy and deserves to be happy. He continues to be flummoxed as to why she's punishing him and what he did wrong. Oh, Ronnie, don't get me started... JWOWW reveals that she and Snooki wrote the infamous letter last year because they thought Sammi would leave and Ronnie could go back to being his old, fun self. Instead, Sammi amped up her haggery by the power of a million, contributing to the household misery we are currently experiencing. Ronnie has a good, old-fashioned cry in the confessional, then heads back outside where everyone assures him he did nothing wrong. Which is a steaming pile of crap if I've seen one, but whatevs...
Pauly tries to turn the night around by lighting the candles on Ryder's birthday cake. Sitch also tries to turn the night around by getting it in. He asks Sammi if she has any condoms he can use, so she tells him to ask Ronnie. He lets it slip that Ronnie is talking to JWOWW, which sends Sammi on the warpath. She interrogates him as to what he's talking about and whether he's friends with JWOWW. He brushes her off, making her that much angrier. She comes downstairs, vowing to leave the house if Ronnie befriends JWOWW. All the while, the gang eavesdrops as they carry the birthday cake up to Ryder, who is passed out on the roof. Sammi joins Ronnie on the porch, asks him about a million more times if he's friends with JWOWW. When she refuses to answer, she lands a right hook on his chin and storms off. Cue the happy birthday song!
As Sitch comes out and gives Ronnie a bro hug, Sammi calls her mom to be picked up. Sitch calls a family meeting and sends Vinny upstairs to retrieve Sammi. After a while, he realizes that it's like talking to a brick wall. Everyone but JWOWW heads upstairs to convince Sammi to stay. Downstairs, Ronnie tells JWOWW that he's lost all sympathy for Sammi and will make her life miserable if she doesn't leave tonight. Upstairs, Vinny takes the angle that staying will make Sammi stronger, but she won't hear it. For her part, Sammi can't believe that she's getting all this support after clocking Ronnie in the jaw. And in true asshat fashion, she says she "didn't want to hear it."
Things settle down as Sammi gathers her things. One of JWOWW's pooches starts yapping, so she retrieves the other one from Sitch's grips to calm it down so she and Roger can smush. She admits that he has moved up from being just a rebound and she's developing feelings for him. Speaking of smushing, though, poor Sitch's trick! She's lying in the guest bedroom all alone, waiting for the best 30 seconds of her life. To lie there prostrate knowing you've been forgotten by the world's biggest horndog must be -level demoralizing.
Everyone's still asleep at 6:36 a.m. as Sammi waits for her mom to pick her up. Sitch says it's been the longest night at the Jersey Shore yet. Vinny tries to make the best of the miserable night by playfully asking Snooki if she and Ryder want to sleep in his bed. Snooki gives him a look that can only be interpreted as, "Drop dead."
It's no matter anyway, though, because everyone scampers over to the sliding door to listen in as Sammi approaches Ronnie for what could be their last conversation. She apologizes for punching him and tries to explain her position. She says it hurt that he befriended JWOWW. She says it's her final goodbye and gives him the opportunity to say whatever he wants. So he picks up and walks off in cold, hard silence. Not taking no, she follows him up to the balcony and finds him weeping. He finally agrees to go inside with her and allows her to crawl into bed with him for one last cuddle. He pulls away after a few minutes. She brings up the many second chances she's given him and asks him if he can give her one more chance to make things better. Sammi interviews that she is disgusted with herself and promises to take things one day at a time as she tries to repair her relationship with everyone in the house, even JWOWW. Want to know the best part? The Situation is fucking lying there in his bed and listening to the whole thing! Jeebus amighty! Get a ham sandwich, you assface. He finally pipes up to ask if he should go downstairs so they can have some makeup sex. Sheesh.
Sammi heads back downstairs to tell her mom that she's changed her mind about leaving. Sammi's mom tells her she can't go any lower than punching Ronnie in the face. Normally, I'd agree. But this is Sammi. So there's that.
Morning marches on, and Ryder leaves. Do you think she'll ever return to this nuthouse again? After the last two visits she's had, I certainly wouldn't, but then again I'd lock the door if I were letting Vinny hit it from behind. So I guess Ryder and I have a few differences in thinking.
Everyone sits down for family dinner. Sitch gives thanks that Sammi is staying. Sammi tells everyone they've been exceptionally cool with her and she appreciates it. Ronnie takes this as a sign of maturity. How long will this last?
That night, while Deena, Fake Ronnie, JWOWW, and Roger go on a double date, Snooki and Vinny hit up an adult store. Snooki is gung-ho to buy a stripper pole, but only if it doesn't show up on her credit card. Mr. Polizzi would not approve. Apparently the sales girl sufficiently convinced her, because the gruesome twosome return home, stripper pole in hand. They quickly realize the pole is too short for the ceiling in the house but make lemonade when they wedge it into the threshold between the living room and the kitchen. Vinny puts on a feather boa and takes the pole for a spin. Don't quit your day job, Vin Man! Ronnie follows quickly behind and proves much more adept at working the pole. Glad to know he's always got a backup career at Chippendales. Pauly and Sitch also take turns, then Vinny knocks the pole down on his second go-round.
Later, the guys head out for haircuts, wherein the barber informs them Fake Ronnie is spreading the word that Deena likes to give rim jobs. Sitch decides he is no longer comfortable sharing drinks, food, or anything mouth-related with Deena in the foreseeable future. JWOWW and Deena join the guys for GTL. Naturally, Sitch takes the first opportunity to tell Deena the hot new gossip... except in the most elliptical, ridiculous way. He finally comes clean, and Deena is appalled. JWOWW of course sees the humor in this mishap and cannot contain her cackling. Pan up to The Situation, who is positively beaming at the drama he's created. Deena swears she's going to go home and rip Fake Ronnie a new asshole. All the better to suck on, my dear!
That night, everyone heads out to the club, where Deena sees Fake Ronnie and accosts him from atop a bar. He swears he didn't say anything. She takes pleasure in making him look like a douchebag in public, not fully realizing that she had to scream the supposed act she performed over loud music, which certainly didn't make her look like a princess.
As the night wears on, JWOWW finds herself in a better mood than she has been in weeks (thanks, Rog!) and decides to make the first step towards a truce with Sammi by offering to buy her and Ronnie a drink. Sammi joins her at the bar, where Sammi admits she was wrong in Miami. They agree that JWOWW was looking out for her and make a pact to have a good rest of the summer. They hug it out after Sammi says she's done being mean. Hopefully that "done" has a lot more meaning than the "done" she would use with Ronnie. Because, frankly, these bitches are a lot more fun when they're acting like happy idiots. Sammi says she's happy to have reconciled with JWOWW. She says coming to terms with Ronnie could be another story, but their dancing and kissing on the dance floor implies that we're back to the status quo... for now.
week: The ladies try on hooker wear. SamRo 2.0 resume their love-hate relationship. Snooki finds a man who knows how to work the pole. And Ronnie gets an anal probe!