Previously: JWOWW took the frustrations of her foundering relationship out on the duck phone. Not cool! Sammi finally acknowledged what a wench she's been and apologized to Snooki and Deena. Snooki went on a vagina-flashing, beach-rolling, crowd-gathering bender that ended in the back of an SHPD cruiser.
We rejoin everyone's favorite drunken demi-dwarf as the po-po shove her bedraggled ass into the back of the cruiser. Deena and JWOWW cry in disbelief as they head home. JWOWW calls Snooki's dad to tell him what's happening. He lets out a groan and a "Shit!" She promises to call him when she bails out Snooki. JWOWW makes her call to Tommy to apologize for not calling. She breaks into tears as she explains what's going down, and he reacts by screaming at her for being a bitch the night before. She slams down the duck phone and complains that this is a side she's never seen of him.
The guys get home, and Deena updates them on the shenanigans. Vinny says Snooki's hard partying ways are no longer funny. Now it's a problem. Throughout the conversation, Tommy tries to call JWOWW back, but she tells him to go fuck himself and ignores the rest of the calls. Someone from the police department calls to tell JWOWW she can pick up Snooki. Everyone goes in a show of solidarity, and Snooki laughs all the way home. Not unlike being punched in the face by a high school gym teacher, she admits this was an embarrassing moment but appreciates the support of her roommates.
Back home, JWOWW walks Snooki through her blackout and explains just how fucked up she was to earn the official distinction of "Public Nuisance." Flashbacks provide colorful examples of her traveling shit show. Amazingly, JWOWW has already been to the T-shirt shop and back to press her very own "FREE SNOOKI" tank top.
Snooki bites the bullet and calls her father. She understates that being in jail "wasn't fun." He reads her the riot act, telling her she should be embarrassed and needs to get her shit together. He vows to come personally pick her vagrant ass up time she causes a scene. She puts on a baby voice, so he softens up. He does tell her he's disappointed, which she considers the worst thing he could say to her. He asks her to promise never to get in that position again. Interestingly, we don't hear her make those words. Editorial decision or self-awareness on Snooki's part? You be the judge.
Snooki plans to stay in and rest up that night because she's worried history will repeat itself if she goes to the bars that night. Deena and JWOWW head up to the porch with her to talk things over. Snooki blames her problems on her break-up with Emilio. JWOWW thinks her little orange friend is Snookin' for love in all the wrong places. For her part, Snooki thinks her desperation for romance is "worse than a staph infection" and is making her depressed. She says she's addicted to bronzer, boys, and alcohol. Well, Ms. Polizzi, they say the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem. So, brava. Now can you go back to being a hot mess again?
While the girls get all therapeutic and shit, it's T-shirt Time for MVP. Deena joins them for their night out at Bamboo, hitting on girls with pizzazz. The guys have a grand old time watching her antics, and Pauly says Deena has an open invitation to hang with the guys. Soon enough, a faux hawked young man -- aptly named Dean -- takes a liking to Deena, and they start bumping and grinding. The guys immediately notice that Dean is a carbon copy of Ronnie, albeit a little less smash-faced if you ask me. The Situation thinks Deena is fulfilling fantasies about Ronnie by picking up this gorilla.
Dean accompanies Deena home, and the guys trail them the whole way calling him "Ronnie." They even drag him into the confessional for some Ronnie mimicry. While Deena slips on her bikini, the guys decide to take Dean, a.k.a. Fake Ronnie, into SamRo 2.0's bedroom and introduce him to Sammi to see if it trips her out. Sammi can't really be bothered to wake up and indulge them, but Ronnie seems amused. Eventually it comes out that Fake Ronnie has a girlfriend, whose name is also Sam. The inane pleasure they derive from the Ron-pelganger is rivaled only by that of Joey Tribbiani finding his hand twin.
Deena finally brings her straw hat and big, bouncing bazooms out and escorts this "hot juicebox" out to the hot tub. They exchange sweet talk, and he lies through his perfect teeth about having a girlfriend. While they make out, the guys pretend they're really stressed that Ronnie is cheating on Sammi and wonder whether they should tell her about his indiscretions. Vinny's all, "I know! Why don't we write an anonymous letter? It's fool-proof!" He and Pauly mock the overwritten, Miss Teen South Carolina stylings of the girls' Miami letter as they promise to live up to girl code. Oblivious to all this, Deena invites Fake Ronnie back to her bedroom to cuddle, thinking she's achieved a major coup. She does clarify that she didn't give him "the golden ticket... just a sneak peek." The morning, Fake Ronnie leaves for work under the watchful eye of Sammi. The minute he's out the door, Sammi breaks it to Deena that FR has a girlfriend. Deena seems pretty unfazed since she got herself some oral attention downstairs.
That night, Snooki ends her slop-free sabbatical to head out with the gang, though she swears she'll only have one drink. Karma, ho! JWOWW sees Roger again, and they clear the air that her friend was mistaken in thinking he had a girlfriend. They start fresh with a harmless peck.
The gang heads back home with smiles on their faces. Sitch notes that the house is full of energy now that SamRo 2.0 isn't fighting. The words are still hanging in the air when JWOWW takes a phone call from Tommy. Ronnie has the gall to compare JWOWW's combined total of 30 minutes flirting with Roger to his bazillion shithead moves in Miami. What's worse, he delights in the possibility of sending an anonymous note to Tommy pointing out what a "shady bitch" JWOWW is. Okay, for the sake of brevity I'm not even going to start comparing apples and oranges. I'm not saying JWOWW's completely innocent by any means, but that's a load of self-denying, rationalizing horseshit right there. And it goes without saying that it's sexist and/or misogynist on about a million levels. Regardless, JWOWW and Tommy have another accusatory, strained conversation wherein he hangs up on her instead of saying "I love you" and she says under her breath, "That's why I'm leaving your ass, douche." All because two people fell in love!
The day, JWOWW calls Roger and makes plans to meet him on the boardwalk. Deena tags along for a double date with Roger's friend Alex. JWOWW admits to having a conflict between her "high school feelings" for Roger and her relationship with Tommy. Speak of the devil, the old cheese ball-and-chain calls just as JWOWW is leaving. She tells him she's going to the boardwalk but omits the fact that Roger will be there, saying she's going to wait and see how both possibilities pan out. The four friends play along the boardwalk, and JWOWW snuggles up on Roger on a ride. She justifies that Tommy pushed her into Roger's arms by being apathetic about their relationship.
The girls head home with a prize for Snooki, who has decided she's going to stop drinking (except wine, it seems). She says the arrest was a wake-up call and plans to take it one day at a time. After a little bit, Vinny and Pauly come in with their flip cams and shoot goofy footage in an attempt to cheer up Snooki. They get shots of a super-sized pouf and JWOWW's super-sized tits, featuring first-bosom narration by the illustrious storyteller Pauly D. Vinny pushes the envelope by asking JWOWW, "Who works you better, the gorillas or Tom?" She pounces onto him and smothers him with the tatas. As you do.
Later that day, Snooki calls Ryder to plan a visit to the shore house. She says Ryder is her best friend in the world, but given Ryder's proclivities for riding Vinny, I suspect this spells dramz.
Snooki, JWOWW, and Pauly report for duty at the T-shirt shop. While their boss tries to coax Snooki into doing some actual work, JWOWW consults Pauly about whether she should be with Tommy or Roger. He tells her to go with whoever makes her happy. Snooki is pro-Roger. Seeing that Snooki is down in the dumps, JWOWW calls Roger to come lighten the mood. He brings his friend Nick, and Snooki immediately perks up -- and not just because of the iced coffees they bought. They sneak out for a break until they're summoned back by the boss.
They head home and tell Deena about Snooki's new fella. They primp for a boardwalk date with the guys, and Snooki explains that she might have to "double panty it" because too much excitement (like going to the club or going on a hot date) causes her to shit her pants. Truly. I didn't make any of that up. Fortunately for everyone involves she drops "a baby in the toilet" before they leave. Shortly after, Nick and Roger arrive, making Deena jealous that she only got Alex for her boardwalk date. The boardwalk double goes happily for everyone. JWOWW feels affirmed in her decision to distance herself from Tommy, and Snooki lets Nick get it in. Cue to a close-up of Nick's "La Famiglia" tattoo on his thrusting backside. Snooki says she prayed to the gods for a nice juicehead gorilla and finally got one.
A chorus of angelic hallelujahs usher in the morning. The guys leave. JWOWW says she didn't have sex with Roger, but she also didn't miss Tommy at all, which proves she shouldn't be with him. After she resolves to shut him out, he calls. She mentions the boardwalk but again neglects to mention Roger. He wonders why she's acting cagey. She claims she's taking a breather and asserting her own independence. Pauly chimes in, "Roger that!" Tommy asks who she's been hanging out with, so she mentions Roger and Nick. He tells her to let him know if this is the last conversation they're going to have. He gets assy with her, so she serves it right back up, saying she's enjoying herself now more than she has with him for a while. She finally gets irate, saying he was cold and pissy with her the day she left, even though she'd done nothing wrong. He tries to respond, but she hangs up on him and says she's done.
After a smoke break and a good think, JWOWW calls her dad to see what's happening. He tells her Tommy's moving out of their home. Not a good sign, her top concerns are what will happen to her dogs and whether Tommy will take any of her stuff. She enlists Snooki to drive back home with her and get her dogs. As they drive, JWOWW prepares for the worst. Indeed, he has locked her out. She finds a hide-a-key and rescues her dogs from the trauma she assumes they've experienced. Now, I ask you this? Won't spending the summer with The Situation be equal to or greater than any trauma they could have endured locked in an empty house for a few hours? Consider...
Snooki heads upstairs and discovers Tommy has taken the bed, JWOWW's favorite watch that she got as a graduation present, the computer hard drive, and a slew of other things. JWOWW breaks down in the face of her many losses, insisting she didn't do anything to deserve this. At least not until last night...
week: Vinny gets cock-blocked by his trick's uncle. Ronnie turns to JWOWW during a fight with Sammi, and earns himself a Sweetheart brand punch in the face. And Sammi calls someone to take her home.
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