Previously: Most of the girls (save JWOWW) still cared about Sammi Sourpuss, though they'd be better advised to get ready for nights out at Karma by listening to this song. And speaking of karma, The Situation got his ass handed to him by Vinny, who perpetrated a masterful robbery after a night out at da club. Even still, Sitch wouldn't touch Deena with a 10-foot pole. And too much self-isolation signaled the beginning of the end for SamRo 2.0... again.
We return mid-fight to Sammi and Ronnie. Each feels like he or she has been jerked around by the other, and, in an astounding feat of self-awareness, they both agree they're mentally fucked-up. Sammi thinks she owes Snooki an apology after learning what a two-timing low-life Ronnie was in Miami. If you're wondering wherefore art her sudden turn-about, see here. Ronnie coldly tells her to go and fix her friendships with Snooki and JWOWW. In essence, "Leave me the fuck alone, ya damn backpack."
Later that night, Vinny and Pauly play a giggle-filled game of netless Newcomb on the roof while the girls watch Snooki chomp into a whole, plain baked potato. JWOWW notes that she hasn't seen Snooki sober since they came to the Shore. The guys come down, and Snooki immediately launches into a gibberish-laced sexual offensive. Her target? Seabiscuit, a.k.a. Vinny's package. Vinny recognizes people will think he's crazy for turning down the cuca, but he thinks he's doing the gentlemanly thing, since Snooki is clearly drunk as an orange skunk.
Rebuffed by her one-time lovah, Snickers takes it upon herself to make some bidness happen between Sitch and Deena. She thinks the easiest way to ease the reluctant Sitch into the idea is to suggest a threesome. He accepts the slurred invitation, explaining in an interview that all guys dream of having a threesome. While Snooki and Deena wouldn't be his top choices, he figures it's like sexual training wheels. His dream is shattered when Snooki makes sure Deena is in his bed, then creeps over to Vinny's room. Vinny doesn't exactly turn her down, but Seabiscuit stumbles mid-race when Vinny smells the alcohol seeping out of Snooki's pores. She leaves grumpily. JWOWW tries to explain that Vinny cares about Snooki and doesn't want to take advantage of her, but Snooki thinks Vinny should "stop caring and fuck [her], man."
It turns out to be a no-hitter for all when Sitch's threesome turns into a chaste "D-some." Deena offers him a massage and all sorts of services, but all he can muster is to ask her whether she showered, squeeze his eyes as tightly shut as possible, and tell her to relax and go to sleep. Instead, she asks him how many girls he's slept with. Sitch falls back to his last resort, kissing her to shut her up. She makes the unfortunate decision to go to the bathroom, and Sitch takes the opportunity to employ his "kitchen ditchin'" strategy. Deena returns to an empty bed, and Sitch pulls a fasty on her by going to sleep in her bed while she waits in his. What trickery! What intrigue! What a pitiful lot they've all become!
The morning, Pauly invites Snooki to GTL with him. She proves what a newbie she is by not wearing underwear to the gym and struggling on some weird ladder-climbing machine. Pauly schools Snooki at the gym, too, by owning her at the tanning salon. I guess now he'll have to check the "Other" ethnicity box and write in "Tan," too.
On the way home, Pauly asks Snooki how she's going to deal with working with Sammi that night. Snooki insists that, unlike unforgiving JWOWW, she would go back to Square One with Sammi if Sammi would just apologize. Pauly thinks the whole saga is crazy, which is pretty much like calling the sky blue at this point. Once they get back home, Snooki immediately starts wining about her itchy ass. She says that she put lotion on it at the tanning salon so she'd get extra-crispy, but now it's burning. Ever the resourceful one, she cools her haunches refuge in a dorm-sized refrigerator.
Elsewhere, Sammi buries herself in her covers and festers in her self-made misery. She admits her deep insecurity about Ronnie, saying every time he leaves her side, she obsessively thinks he's trying to hurt her. Ronnie comes home and asks her what's wrong. She won't tell him, so he immediately goes ape-shit on her, stopping just short of pounding his chest. The Situation stumbles upon the argument in media res and interviews that these two just need to break up already. Ronnie says he needs "a mind condom because [he's] getting mind fucked." Sammi finally agrees to go outside to talk, so Ronnie coaxes her into opening her heart by yelling at her some more. Naturally.
Downstairs, Sitch, Deena and JWOWW can hear the smash-up in progress. Sitch thinks this whole soap opera is Sammi's fault, which is partly true but also a big old load of sexist bullshit if I ever saw one. Sure, she shouldn't have chosen him over her girlfriends, but the fact that he's a lying, philandering sack of monkey butts is not all on her. In any case, from Sitch's perspective, Sammi should have asserted herself a long time ago, giving Ronnie space to be himself (see above) and Sammi the chance get to know herself. JWOWW dismisses Sammi as being "not the type to let loose." Forget the girl in the club last week, Sammi is the parasite here.
Back upstairs, Ronnie rages on Sammi some more, bellowing that she should tell him what he did to make her turn on him. She responds like she doesn't know what he did, which makes no sense whatsoever and certainly doesn't quell Ronnie's anger. Pauly joins the confused eavesdroppers as Ronnie roars that he's done and leaves Sammi scrunching up her face to keep the tears from falling. Ronnie barrels downstairs. Pauly asks him if everything's all right. Ronnie responds, "Same bullshit, different day." Which is as apt a description of my job as any, thanks to the cracking producers who continue to find SamRo 2.0 compelling. Enough already!
Sammi weeps in a corner somewhere while Ronnie goes with Sitch to GTL and clear his mind. On the way, he says Sammi isn't the same girl he met and that he's having doubts about whether he wants to be with her anymore. As he takes out his aggression in the gym, Ronnie interviews that he's frustrated with Sammi pushing him away. He insists he hasn't done anything since Miami, and that she shouldn't be bringing old issues to this house. He thinks she needs to grow up, cut out the drama, and make her own decisions.
Meanwhile, Sammi, Snooki and Pauly report for duty at the T-shirt shop. Sammi takes the opportunity to apologize to Snooki for cutting her off last season. She acknowledges that she was completely wrong about Ronnie and that Snooki showed she was a good friend by stepping in to help Sammi. Snooki asks if Sammi is going to stay with Ronnie now that she knows the truth. Sammi says she doesn't know. She admits that she would have told Snooki to fuck off if the tables had been turned, which shows what a good person Snooki actually is. Snooki offers Sammi a shoulder to cry on no matter what happens, and they share a reconciliatory hug.
Back at the house, relationship troubles also plague JWOWW. She says that things have been rocky with Tommy ever since she forgot their anniversary. He jabs that he's gotten a new girlfriend since she won't call him, and responds not with an apology but tells him to call her when he stops being a dick. And thus the JWOWW of season one returns. We like that JWOWW. Bring on the Prince Albert sightings!
Sammi returns home and decides to clear the air with Deena. She tells Deena the position of insecurity and defensiveness she brought with her into the house. Deena understands where she's coming from. Unlike JWOWW who rudely walks through the room and belches her disapproval. Deena and Sammi declare their differences squashed and plan to toast it with Patrón later that night. Still, Snooki and Deena worry that this new harmony could create problems between them and JWOWW, since Sammi and JWOWW will never be friends like they used to. Snooki calls JWOWW in to see what kind of truce can be reached. JWOWW says Sammi hasn't apologized to her and maintains a hard line to the tune of "Fuck you very much."
T-shirt Time fast approaches, so Vinny calls the cabs and JWOWW admires her newly concrete-ified breasts. Pauly predicts that they'll have to carry Deena out of da club tonight. With that, they're off to Karma. JWOWW immediately sets eyes on her ex Roger. While they're reconnecting, Deena drinks and dances, dances and drinks. In fact, she gets loose enough that she falls off the stage about five times in a row and is saved from cracking her head by a guy on the sidelines who catches her over and over again. Eventually a bouncer spots her utter inebriation and tells her to leave. She claims she can walk out on her own, but the bouncers insist on carrying her wobbly ass out to a cab. Sitch plays off of Deena's self-proclaimed "Walking Holiday" nickname, calling her the Holiday Inn and saying, "Six minutes and fifty-three seconds into Karma, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight."
Back inside, The Situation spots his former hook-up Paula and invites her back to the house. As they foreplay dance, Snooki follows in Deena's sloppy footsteps, getting drunker and drunker until she can barely stand up. Vinny encourages her to tone it down, but she's in no mood to take his advice since he rejected her the night before. On the flip side, JWOWW is sending out strong "yes" vibes to her ex -- whom she deems "a juice monkey with feelings" -- as she tells him she's been checking his Facebook to see whether he's still single. She says they should spend some time together, and he jumps at the chance. Just a few minutes later, JWOWW's walk on the wild side is halted when a friend tells her that Roger has a girlfriend. She calls him out on it, but he plays dumb and claims he can't hear her over the music. They take it outside, where JWOWW's friend is all, "Yeah, I just cock blocked your ass."
JWOWW skips out on Roger and finds Snooki. They take the party upstairs only for JWOWW to realize she has to pee. Since there are no bathrooms upstairs, she does the ladylike thing and pops a squat behind the empty bar. Yep, she just peed on the floor. But it's okay, see, because she pours water on it after. Pure elegance!
Out on the patio, Sammi reaches the pouty portion and tells Ronnie she's going home. He pulls out some goofy faces and gets her to register perhaps her first smile of the season (unless you count the evil grin when she knowingly robbed JWOWW of the nice room on the first day). Ronnie interviews that he knows their relationship isn't healthy, but he hopes their dysfunction will make them stronger. Wait, what? He says he'd give up anything for her (except other girls and his Jersey-sized ego, of course), and blows some smoke up her ass about wanting to be with her forever. Sammi also knows that she and Ronnie probably shouldn't be in a relationship, but says she wants to make it work anyway. Well, as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drown itself.
Inside, Pauly locks eyes with his Israeli stalker from last summer. He decides to take leave immediately but doesn't get out before she throws a drink on him. Luckily, Pauly's motorcycle-proof hair isn't compromised, and he laughs it off. He and Vinny take home some tricks. Vinny gets down to business, but Pauly's girl turns out not to be DTF, so he cuts his losses and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, Sitch brings home Paula and invites Ronnie to make some food. They prepare her a delicious meal of 32 turkey burgers since they froze together in the freezer. Paula is in the middle of her first turkey burger when Vinny finishes in the bedroom. His girl says she wants to meet a friend. He appreciates her efficiency and calls her a cab. And that was the best 14 minutes of her life!
Sitch takes Paula upstairs to get it in, leaving Vinny and Ronnie downstairs to polish off the bounty. Vinny explains that Ronnie has two laughs -- one that's soft like a little girl's and another that's "like a dolphin on steroids." Somehow, this is a positive to Vinny, who is glad to have single Ronnie back in the fold after all the bullshit he and Sammi have gone through.
The day, Snooki uses a blanket as a poncho and walks her froggy slippers and her hung-over ass to work. She gets no sympathy from their boss Danny, especially when she asks him to funnel a beer with her at 10:30 in the morning. As Snooki gets caught making repeated attempts to sneak a beer out of the store refrigerator, Vinny interviews that her drinking is getting out of control. He says she's basically drunk starting at 11 a.m. every day. On one occasion, Snooki gets a sip in before Danny snatches her beer away. She says she'll do anything to get it back, even lick the carpet. "You don't think you have a problem?" he asks. "This is called rock bottom!" He may be laughing on the outside, but I suspect he's crying on the inside. Snooki then excuses herself to "get coffee" but instead goes to take shots at a nearby bar and nosh on some fried pickles. Danny finally comes to reclaim her from this mini-bender.
The minute her shift ends, Snooki takes the hot pink "SLUT" tank top she stole from the store and makes a beeline for the bar, where she teaches married, middle-aged tourists how to do body shots off of each other... and her. This is the point, Snooki later interviews, that things went fuzzy. A very hung-over Deena and JWOWW join the fracas and immediately notice that Snooki is bombed out of her mind. Perhaps it hit them when she fell off of a bike parked against a wall? They try to contain her, but she's fast and scrappy. She darts off for the beach, frantically asking people for directions as she passes, even though it's literally six inches away from her.
She finally makes it on to the sand, with JWOWW and Deena close behind. JWOWW says her main concern is getting Snooki off the beach before she gets in trouble. But alas, even The WOWW can't force fate's hand. Sometime between Snooki sprinting into the water and rolling around in the sand, a crowd gathers. There have to be at least 200 people watching and laughing at this mess. Soon enough, police officers come to break it up. JWOWW and Deena try to drag her off the beach, but she goes limp like a drunken, willful toddler. The po-po try to give Snooki the benefit of the doubt and escort her off the beach. At which point, she decides to get mouthy with them. They can't ignore public drunkenness anymore and put her in cuffs. And that was the day Snooki was officially declared a nuisance. JWOWW walks off in tears and goes home to call Snooki's dad and update the housemates. For her part, Snooki tells the cops, "You guys are no fun!"
Thursday: Free Snooki! Deena finds herself a Ronnie doppelganger to satisfy her longings for faux hawks and d-bags.
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