Previously: Vinny finally got his shot with the girl that shot him down. The Situation got all sour grapes and cock blocked everyone because his attempts at highway robbery and sloppy seconds fell to pieces.
We return to da club, where everyone is having fun but Sitch. He tries to rally everyone to leave, but instead succeeds at alienating all of them. As they head home, Snooki is still reeling that Sitch smacked her earlier that night and still grumpy that Sitch "ruined" her night while friend Ryder is in town. They get home, and Vinny gives Ramona the grand tour of the house. Highlights: "This is the phone I waited three hours for you to call at" [sic, sic, sic] and his bedroom. That's some manipulation up in there, y'all. Of course it works as Ramona plops into his bed, and they start humping like wild dogs.
The morning, Sitch recognizes the longstanding tension between him and Snooks but doesn't think she has any reason to be mad at him. Nonetheless, he hops into her bed (with a wad of twenties?) to apologize for being a jerk the night before. She begrudgingly accepts his apology, mainly because it's the only way for him to stop bestowing smoke-breath kisses upon her.
Meanwhile, Vinny escorts Ramona out on her walk of shame. He says she's everything he looks for in a girl and that he's "caught some feelings for her." Sammi is impressed that Vinny got his smash on. She asks him if he's in love, and he says he doesn't believe in that. Cut to Ronnie, with a damn smirk on his face. Gross.
Meanwhile, Snooki and Ryder lounge about in various locations throughout the house (sun deck, confessional, etc.) and regret that Ryder only has a few more hours left at the house. They share a ceremonial shot with JWOWW in honor of Ryder's departure, then shed some tears when it's time for Ryder to go. Snooki admits that the house is full of nut jobs. Really? Later, JWOWW comforts a homesick Snooki, who's still crying and considering leaving this batty experiment for good. JWOWW consoles her with offers to go tanning and eventually convinces her to stay, with Vinny's help, mainly because she knows that if Snooki leaves, she's fucked. Snooki tells Vinny he's like her big brother, and she loves him, then adds, "But usually you don't have sex with your big brother." Truth.
Elsewhere, Sitch and Pauly get their barbershop on. Sitch parks on the curb, and we devote a full 15 seconds to it. Then he hits a sign, proclaiming, "This is parking for The Situation only." Aren't you glad there's an entire episode left. A whole 'nother hour dedicated to these kids' antics! Keep me thrilled with these wild parking antics.
Meanwhile, JWOWW tries to quell Snooki's depression by talking up a place called SPACE, which she claims is just like the New York club scene. Snooki says SPACE means "Guido juicehead gorillas, sex, tan, sweaty... boys. And house music." So Pauly orders up the cab, saying they're at the Metropole "like Stripper Pole" and telling the dispatcher that he loves her, too. And what time is it? Two times if you guessed T-shirt Tiiiiiiiiiiime! I think that's the secret to life, y'all. If you can get excited by putting on a damn T-shirt, then you've got it in the bag. Or, in JWOWW's case, a two-piece mesh go-go dancer costume. Even Snooki acknowledges that Ms. WOWW looks like "a fuckin' whore" and "the ultimate stripper." More power!
The kids hit da club, which is basically trash bag central. Also known as their scene. The only one who's not vibing on the scene is Snooki, who gets into an altercation with some "wannabe guidos" who are ready to stir up shit with her. Sitch intervenes. Many curse words are spat (mainly ones starting with the letter "F"). Eventually, the kids are ushered out of the club. A Jersey Shore first!
Kind of amazingly, Pauly manages to grab two DTF chicks as they're being strong-armed out of there. He puts up his chains like a gentleman while The Situation tosses his girl around like a cavewoman he's about to club. Eventually it comes out that Sitch's girl abstains from both drinking and hook-ups. He commits the ultimate wingman sin by trying to dismiss his girl from the room so he can get some sleep (a.k.a. jerk off while Pauly and his bitch get it in). Unsurprisingly, this turns off basically everyone in the room (save maybe the ghost of Angelina). Even Pauly is shocked at what a jackhole Sitch is being. The other girl doesn't take her relegation easily, calling Sitch and old man and effectively ending the DTF phase of the evening for all inhabitants of the house. Pauly is understandably pissed at his lackluster wingman. Then they both go to sleep alone. Which is awesome in its own way.
The day, as Vinny and Pauly get ready for a beach date with their ladies, Pauly groans that he could have used Vinny the night before. At the same time, Sitch bitches that he had to play wingman for Pauly the night before. It's pretty much the same story, just interpreted through each of their gargantuan egos. So you can imagine...
Pauly and Vinny go out on their double date, except there is some sort of screwball comedy bit in which Rocio thinks Pauly has stood her up and vice versa. It's only worth mentioning because this show is desperate for content. Speaking of, here's Sammi and Ronnie! They show up. Ronnie promptly mounts Pauly's ass and humps him (gross), and Sammi mocks the boys for being "wifed up" (ummmm... pot-kettle, hag). Long story short, everyone's hot, everyone has fun, and Sitch is conspicuously not involved. Coincidence? I think not.
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Eventually, the housemates return home, where Sitch is preparing chicken cutlets for dinner. He promptly starts a grease fire -- to the extent that firemen arrive. Snooki predictably creams her pants, admitting that this very scenario is one of her fantasies. TMI, Snickers, TMI. Drama aside, Sitch makes a tasty dinner, and Pauly gets all philosophical that there was a time in which all of these nimrods didn't know each other. To which America says, "Me, too!" Followed by a sad sigh.
After dinner, the kids are all digesting their extra-smoky cutlets. Vinny makes a throwaway comment about how he and Pauly like their ladies because they're the "exotic" types. Sammi claims she, too, is exotic, and asks for validation. Ronnie says she looks Asian, which he likes. This apparently strikes a chord because Ronnie's ex was Asian. "Tonight's about to get really interesting," scoffs Vinny. Snooki goes outside to check on Sammi, who wants to tell her to stop being a stupid, petty idiot but by and large refrains from such frankness. Eventually, Ronnie comes out. Sammi holds her line, asking him the grandest question of all: "Why are you with me?" Instead of placating her, Ronnie echoes her, saying she's been negative to him throughout their relationship. All of it is true, yet so pointless. At some point, Sammi has the shocking epiphany that Ronnie is an asshole. Oh really? And the amazing part of it all is that I'm pretty sure they're sober right now. They're not even drunk, and they'll stoop to this level of pettiness in order to sustain the drama. It's their lifeblood. They're like sharks, if they don't move, they're dead. Except moving in this case is replaced by bitching.
Speaking of drama propagation, Snooki and JWOWW devise to do a hook-up board. By which I mean they think it will be interesting and insightful to figure out who has hooked up with whom and, by extrapolation, whose spit you've swallowed secondhand. Long story short, everyone in the house has at least made out with everyone else.
The day, it's GTL in which the "T" stands for both Tanning and Towing, thanks to Sitch's crappy parking. He and Vinny use a pay phone to call the parking enforcement number. Sitch actually asks for a discount (more than once). Needless to say, there is no discount. He and Vinny walks all over kingdom come to find the impound lot. Eventually, they reclaim the car, regretting all the things they could have done in this last week for the $175 they spent on a lousy 10 minutes of illegal tanning salon parking. Lesson learned, guidos.
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That night, MVP hits up da club, where Vinny's girl Ramona works -- along with lots of other girls who are but a mere crotch shot in the eyes of the Jersey Shore film crew. Along the way, Pauly and Sitch find two more Canadians who are DTF. Ramona finishes work, and all three couples head back to the house. Vinny revels in his status as a single man no longer while Sitch and Pauly try to convince their cannonball-tittied grenades to get in the hot tub. This includes, but is not limited to, spraying their dicks with cologne. Because there's nothing a girl likes better than to go downtown and get the rancid flavor of Drakkar Noir up in her grill.
It eventually comes out that one of the girls has a boyfriend. It's a matter of no consequence to Sitch, but it does seem to matter to the chick that he previously considered DTF. Instead of allowing Pauly to enjoy the five minutes that his trick thinks it'll take to get it in, Sitch tells her she might as well get it out (pun intended, what?!) post-haste. "Oh no," says Pauly, "it's like déjà vu all over again!" As his porn-titted boob trick leaves, calling Sitch a douchebag along the way, Pauly regrets that he has once again been cockblocked by his wingman. He thinks it may be time for a talk. If he can just stop The Situation's blue ball-inspired ranting...
week: Season finale! Sitch scores two grenades in a club bathroom = four times the shame? Sammi and Ronnie will never stop fighting. Never! And Pauly suddenly blows his top at the accusation that he called JWOWW fake. He gets so mad it's a surprise that geyser a doesn't blow out of his hair. Proof that he uses really good gel, I guess.
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