Previously: While Vinny is getting around like wild fire, it's Ronnie's infidelity antics that have been under the spotlight. And the girls who let the cat-chaser out of the bag have lived to tell about it... so far. There's still hope for tonight!
Scenes of bedlam set the mood for our return to the start of last week's weave-pulling fracas. We're enlightened that JWOWW is relatively sober and reminded of Angelina's shit-stirring ways. Vinny tells The WOWW about Schmolie questioning her integrity and somehow from all this, JWOWW and Sammi get into it. Long time coming, honestly. Mainly because Sammi's stupid and weak and won't take her aggression out of the person who actually wronged her -- Ronnie. Much screaming later -- which Ronnie likens to "firecrackers in a dumpster" (appropriate on so many levels) -- JWOWW has enough and shoves Sammi. Cat fighting ensues, hooker heels clatter on the wooden floor and objects are thrown at heads (Sammi's, I'm happy to report). Vinny finally rips Sammi away, and Ronnie capitalizes on his brute 'roid strength to pull JWOWW back.
Oh, but it's not over. Ronnie gets all up on Vinny for starting this shit. Vinny insists it was Angelina, later interviewing that Angelina is a "shady bitch" who needs a little accountability thrust upon her. Of course Angelina irately screams that she always gets blamed for talking shit, so Snooki points out that, well, she talks a lot of shit. Angelina insists she's not playing both sides, she's just friends with everyone in the house. Methinks Kim G. has a protégé because that's some seriously flawed reasoning: I am X, therefore there is no way that I am X! Eventually Snooki has her fill and summons all of the fierceness in her 4'9" frame to roar that Angelina wrote the note with her and JWOWW. Not technically accurate but certainly plausible, which all that matters with these imbeciles. And sometimes not...
Regardless, Sammi is just as dumb as everyone in the house thinks she is, so she chooses to believe Ronnie over the girls who have done nothing but support her. Then Ronnie turns it over, saying Snooki only wrote the letter because things soured with Emilio. Ohhhh, shit. This fight just went nuclear. Snooki starts jumping up and down. Eventually, in a flash of albino leopard print, she barrels right into Ronnie and pushes him a good couple feet. Would somebody please take it upon him/herself to e-mail me a Gif? You'd be my guido hero forever!
Snooki and JWOWW storm outside, with The Situation narrating that they were damned either way for breaking this kind of news to Sammi Stupidfuck. While Snooki blows off steam on the patio, JWOWW makes the dubious decision to stomp back inside. For the most part she ignores SamRo 2.0. But Ronnie can't leave well enough alone, so he makes a comment of JWOWW's boyfriend. Bitch grabs a platter and hurls it at him faster than you can say "Splintered caveman skull." Unfortunately, Vinny intercepts her, and the plate doesn't hit its mark. While Vinny's holding her back, Sammi picks up her own piece of crockery and lobs that shit at JWOWW. It's a pretty bitch move, and it doesn't even hit The WOWW! Double bitch. Which is still only a fraction of the bitchassness that is Sammi. What a hag, y'all. Seriously. JWOWW says Sammi's only this brave (read: not crying and whining like a bitch) when Ronnie's there to protect her.
JWOWW and Snooki (who's come back inside) wisely retire to their room, saying, "We'll see who gets the last laugh." They calmly wonder why Sammi is mad at them, then comfort themselves with the knowledge that Sammi is going to feel like a grade-A idiot when she realizes she's been putting her trust in Angelina and Ronnie. Snooki interviews that she regrets thinking the letter would change anything. She also realizes that Angelina is a "two-faced bitch."
Outside, with Ronnie as her numbskull chorus, Sammi pats herself on the back for "beating the crap out of" JWOWW. Not entirely true, honey. JWOWW didn't look like she had a scratch on her, in fact. She proudly recounts dropping to the ground, with a turkey sandwich in hand no less, to beat up JWOWW. Pauly asks, "Is there any more turkey sandwich left?" Love him! Everyone heads inside, except Ronnie who asks Vinny to hang back so he can justify shoving him. As a gentleman would do. Ugh. Vinny says his only regret is that Ronnie didn't beat up Angelina. Back inside, there's no love lost on her side as Angelina calls Vinny a dirt bag and spills the beans to Sitch's sister Melissa -- she who once hooked up with Vinny and who has had the pleasure of witnessing all this mess firsthand -- that Vinny tried to hook up with Snooki. Melissa acts shocked. Has she met these people?
The morning, the house looks like a wrecking ball has hit it. A wrecking ball entirely composed of weave bits, cigarette butts, press-on nails, and a discarded cutlery. Is there any other kind? Sammi wakes up, inappropriately smug for supposedly kicking the shit out of JWOWW. For a minute, the joke's on all of them because they have to report to the gelato shop to work together. Then JWOWW shows she has absolutely no shame by calling Enzo to tell him she can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. Yeah. Seriously. Re-read that last part: She can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. The best part is that Enzo's all, "Okay." Sammi, meanwhile, says with no small amount of self-satisfaction that her nails are messed up, too, but she's going in because she's not a little bitch like JWOWW. Takes one to know one, sucka.
As the rival factions head their separate ways, the rest of the guys head to the beach. They're enjoying the scenery and checking out the hotties when all of a sudden (cue Psycho music), close-up on a chick was a massive lip herp. Pauly shows that his standards are both exacting and hypocritical when he says, "There's nuttin' like a nice herpe to ruin tha pahty." MVP is off like a dress on prom night, despite the advances of Hattie Herp Lip and her idiot friends. I bet this is the one and only time the cameras caught these guys turning down anything DTF. And I do mean anything.
Sitch, Vinny, and Angelina report to work after SamRo 2.0's shift ends. Angelina takes the opportunity to talk up how much better a person she is from the prior year (since they had a full 48 hours to judge her character last time, pffffft). Sitch humors her, but she can't resist bringing up her faux feud with Vinny. Sitch acknowledges Vinny's not a fan, so Angelina's all, "Well, I don't like him either! Nah nah nah nah nah nah. He's ugly and smelly! So there!" Sitch just laughs at what a wench she is. What else can you do when there's a whole flood of crazy comin' atcha? Though he does facetiously tell her she's "perceptive" before commenting through her rampage to anyone in earshot that "she's on another level today." Awesome. Angelina steps to the front where some schmuck in a flashy three-piece suit strides in for some gelato. It's Angelina's semi-boyfriend Jose, and she's immediately all up his jock like a fly in honey. He brings her a watch, and Sitch comments that "the man should be smashed" for spending any amount of money on that hagbag.
That night, Sammi and Ronnie get ready for a dinner date, where I'm sure the night will be filled with sparkling conversation. Sammi and Ronnie agree they're not sick of each other -- never a better basis for a long-term relationship (that and infidelity!) -- and make a plan to smush later. Ronnie thinks all the trials they've face, all of which were of his own making I should add, have only brought them closer together.
Back at the house, JWOWW and Snooki head out for a relaxing night together as Vinny and Sitch chill in the hot tub together. Sammi and Ronnie return home, so Vinny checks with Sammi to make sure she's not mad at him. He wonders why he's the only person that can see the whole picture and recognize that Angelina's a double-crossing skank. Well, for starters Vinny because you're the only one with half a brain. These people were not cast from the Mensa applicant pool is all I'm saying. Sammi insists that she refuses to hang out with JWOWW and Snooki anymore because they're not "real." Vinny says Angelina's not "real" either, and Sammi's all, "Exactly." What? Vinny breaks it down that, while Angelina may not have physically written the note, she told the other girls what to put in it. Sammi walks inside processing that piece of information. With any luck and some serious advances in science, she might actually understand what just happened at some point in the several decades. And then she'd still end up with Ronnie.
Inside, Angelina shows of her piddling gift to Pauly and brags about her cheesebag boyfriend stopping by work. Pauly lays down the rules of the game wherein gifts are presented in exchange for sexual services. Angelina says she doesn't want to let Jose "hit that," and the guys agree that he's getting played.
While they go out to dinner, the others head to a pool hall/game center. Sammi continues to brag about her whack fighting skills when in walk JWOWW and Snooki. Sammi seeks solace in Sitch's sister. JWOWW and Snooki ignore the shit out of her, which they should have been doing their entire lives. And then nothing happens. Well that was worth my time!
The day, Sitch bids goodbye to Melissa. Inside, Sammi asks Angelina about her part in the note. Angelina insists she had no part in the note and claims she's Sammi's "realest" friend in the house. Sammi admits she doesn't trust Angelina as far as she can throw her but also acknowledges that she's pretty much destroyed all her other options. So Angelina it is! About as good a basis for friendship as her "I'm not sick of you" foundation for a relationship with Ronnie.
Elsewhere, Snooki and JWOWW bask on the beach and talk about the things they want to do in life. Snooki says she wants to go to a nude beach, but only as a spectator, and she wants to bungee jump. JWOWW says Snooki's bucket list is the kind of thing "only crazy white people do." Snooki ensures us all that she's not White, she's Tan. Literally, when she's filling out FAFSA forms and whatnot, she marks the "Other" ethnicity box and writes in "Tan." JWOWW says she's done this, too. I totally believe it. What's more, Snooki says she feels she's been penalized on job interviews for her outlying choice. For what jobs? you might ask. "It was at a tanning salon," reports Snooki. Man, this is some Spinning into Butter shit
That night, Sitch hopes that the housemates will get past their "high school/kindergarten/pre-school shit." Don't hold your breath, Sitchy! Vinny and Angelina happen to be in the same room, and they get into it immediately. Vinny wants her to own up to her shenanigans, and Angelina wants him to be as dumb and pliable as the others. Sammi, Pauly, and Sitch watch the following confrontation like it's the damn U.S. Open. Vinny takes things to the level when he tells Angelina, who laughably considers herself the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, that she's more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten. Angelina retaliates that he's a "22-year-old fuckin' pussy." Vinny wins! Pauly is full-on bug-eyed at this point, it's worth mentioning. His hair may be motorcycle-proof, but his heart is sensitive to conflict. Vinny finally stops participating in the fight and lets Angelina wear herself down. It doesn't take long.
The day, Pauly gives Angelina shit for not giving it up to her boyfriend. Outside, Sitch and Vinny acknowledge to Ronnie that Sammi gained some major street cred just by stepping up to JWOWW. The second Ronnie heads back inside, they agree that he's like MacGyver for escaping this situation with basically no consequences. I think it's less that Ronnie is resourceful and clever and more that Sammi is the dumbest fucking fuckwit that ever existed. It's a good thing she's pretty. Cue to intercut footage of Ronnie sexually harassing Sammi inside (literally shoving his crotch against the back of her head) while Sitch explains that Sammi got dogged, that Ronnie basically peed on her, and she took it with a smile. It's a masterful crosscut, the likes of which show that these editors are earning their pay. Back in the hot tub, Vinny and Sitch agree that Ronnie might as well keep up his cheatin' ways because he can't do any worse than he already has, and Sammi will keep taking it. Cut back to Ronnie thrusting his teeny weeny peeny at Sammi's head. Asks Sammi, "Where have you been all my life?" She's trying to be funny, but the joke's on her.
A bit later, the blender cranks up with a family-sized batch of Ron Ron Juice as the gang gets ready for da club. They arrive in style and Vinny immediately sets his sights on a girl that he thinks is the most beautiful trick he's seen in Miami so far. He moves in to work his game. He mentions the perfume she's wearing by name, saying it's his favorite. I'm suddenly seeing why Vinny is the secret weapon pimp of the house. (Of course, spoiler!, that's going to be tainted by episode's end.) The trick tells him she's a Hooters waitress. "She's a classy girl," Vinny assures us. Angelina watches jealously from the side, throwing the thumbs-down in their direction, and classifying Vinny's conquest as a grenade.
All the while, Snooki finds herself a Latin man to dance with. She decides to take this routine back to the house so he can, and I quote, "come over and... get it in." The whole gang decides to join them. Except Snooki's bad mojo returns with a vengeance. While Vinny is shakin' the sheets with his Hooters girl, Snooki's piece is foraging the kitchen for food. After he makes a six-course meal, they head to the bedroom to get it on. Did I mention that JWOWW is in the bed not six feet away? She summarizes the sexcapade, saying, "It would basically be, like, moaning... 'Oh, what's your last name?'... moaning... 'Do you have any kids?..." Cut to Snooki, in flagrante, asking Dennis (could there be a more horribly unsexy name for a Latin lovah?), "Do you like to cuddle?" and "How far do you live from here?" And Sammi doubts The WOWW's credibility? And yet JWOWW stays in the room, her only defense to stifle the laughter and intra-mouth vomiting.
The morning, JWOWW gives Snooki shit for keeping her up all night. Snooki insists she didn't smush but told Dennis she might be up for it the night. She is a lady after all!
A bit later, JWOWW reports to work with Sammi and Vinny, who is ready for more fireworks in the dumpster. Sammi tries to make a big deal out of, bitching that JWOWW dared to come near her (since they have so much space behind the counter) and griping to Enzo about her broken friendship. Sadly, though, they mostly ignore each other. JWOWW remains quietly confident that she will have the last laugh.
After work, it's another night, another trip to da club. As everyone gets ready, Jose calls to tell Angelina to behave herself. She mockingly says, "Okay, Daddy." He says he likes it when she calls him "Daddy," and she acts like she's never heard that shit before. Uh huh.
As everyone heads out, Snooki calls Dennis to tell him that she and JWOWW stayed home and to invite him over. But first! Before he arrives, the girls must venture into the "Community Smush Room" to disinfect it so Snooki can get her smush on and JWOWW can make up for last night's lost sleep. Cue homemade HazMat suits, topped off with trucker hats natch. Snooki explains that the CSR is nasty because the boys will have several girls in there at once. And as we've seen, these girls aren't always the cream of the crop top. JWOWW gives specifics, saying there have been at least 20 turnovers in the room since it was last cleaned. Not even the sheets have been changed. Witness an errant pair of boxer briefs on the floor. The girls high-five each other as they finish, and Snooki returns to change the sheets to make it a little more romantic. She eagerly goes the confessional to await ol' what's-his-name (seriously, she almost doesn't remember it -- how romantic!).
Dennis finally calls to tell her he's coming, and Snooki asks him to bring over a friend who'll inevitably get blue balls because JWOWW just wants the smell of man around her in lieu of her actual boyfriend. As he hangs up, Dennis calls Snooki "mami" (mislabeled by the subtitle person as "mommy"). Regardless, Snooki is anti-"mami" on the ground that she's a guidette. A Chilean one, I think it's worth mentioning. As Dennis makes his way over, Snooki lotions herself up and down, including the ass cheeks, because that's apparently what you do pre-smush.
JWOWW heads into the shower, warning that she doesn't want to get out and be faced with a "chode," the male version of a grenade. Snooki insists Dennis's friend will be hot. And then the guys arrive. Nope. He's not just a chode, he's "grenade grundle chode," says Snooki, and JWOWW is going to kill her. Sorry, Marco. Thanks for playing! JWOWW makes her way into the kitchen, whereby she immediately throws the hand up at Marco and laughs in his face. The guys head outside for a minute, so JWOWW takes the occasion to make a swift exit so she can "drink [her] horny goat weed, masturbate, and go to bed." Snooki says JWOWW is the worst wingwoman ever before unceremoniously telling Dennis that Marco can leave so they can hit up the CSR.
Meanwhile, Sitch is gathering up the troops to leave da club for the night. They all pile into a cab, and before you can say "process of elimination," Vinny and Angelina are drunkenly making out. It baffles everyone but Pauly, who explains that Angelina thinks like a guy and Vinny is a guy. The common denominator? Getting laid. And that's all there is to it. They carry on smooching while Pauly rubs Vinny's head and snarks that they should stop so Vinny can buy a watch for Angelina.
They arrive home. Since Snooki is currently occupying the CSR, Vinny drags Angelina by the hair into his room so they can smush. Pauly takes it upon himself to bang on the CSR door to embarrass Snooki before heading into Vinny's room to ask what the Hell he thinks he's doing. Vinny says he and Schmolie need some privacy. She acts like he's crazy, but you know she's lapping up every bit of the attention. Pauly heads back into the kitchen and scratches his head at the night's developments, noting that Vinny nicknamed Angelina "The Staten Island Dump." Regardless, drunken desperation wins out, and the smushing carries on. With much mocking from Pauly along the way.
This Sunday!: Sitch calls Angelina a hypocritical whore and threatens to tell Jose about her hook-up with Vinny. Vinny's OG Uncle Nino visits and works that hot tub like a pro. Pauly has his first encounter with the early morning booty call.