Previously: Never has an epistle wreaked such havoc! Then again, this is a world in which Ronnie gets a lot of ass and Sammi cries herself to sleep. Things are a little pear-shaped, is all I'm saying.
We are greeted this fine evening in Miami by an ungodly shriek. Of course this shriek is from Snooki, and as luck would have it, she's wearing a sombrero. That's Mexican for "shrieking hat." You didn't know that? On this particular occasion, Snooki screams out into the night not because her children have been murdered or because she's forced to choose between the death of all her housemates and a lifetime of reruns of this very show. Nope, she's just screaming 'cause she's bored. As you do. She's bored enough to drink a shot glass full of cigarette ash. Also? To creep her way into each of the male roommates' beds to see which is "comfy enough" for her. She lands in Vinny's. Smushing ensues, including but not limited to Snooki falling in between the bed and the wall. Because she's the size of a jacked-up teacup poodle.
The morning, those crazy kids are still snoozing, Vinny with his hand still a-cusp Snooki's ample breast. Snooki eventually wakes up and decides to make a break for it before any of the roommates find out. Vinny interviews that he's "DTS," Down To Snuggle, and doesn't care as long as his roommates don't find out. Cut to shots of various roommates waking up unawares, including a shot that proves that The Situation is a million times more ruggedly attractive without all of the gel and put-on douchebaggery. Granted, the shot's in black and white, which also makes just about anyone more attractive...
Vinny's plan to keep his DTS on the DL is immediately foiled when Snooki tells Sammi about hooking up with the V-Man the night before. Not only does she give the basics, she elaborates that getting with Vinny was "like putting, like, a watermelon into, like, a pinhole." Wow, that was way more than I ever wanted to know. On the upshot, I bet Vinny's popularity with non-Jersey chicks just skyrocketed.
Meanwhile, all the ladies (minus Sammi) head off to the beach. They catch up on the latest developments in the Sammi-Ronnie saga: No one knows for sure who wrote the note (except, Snooki, JWOWW, and Angelina, who is keeping shockingly mum), and Sammi is an idiot with low standards. So nothing new then?
Back at the house, Sitch tells Sammi that she's getting screwed (literally and metaphorically) by Ronnie. He basically confirms everything in the note and brings her to tears. She says she's done. For the billionth time.
That night, Snooki tries to convince JWOWW and Angelina that they should tell Sammi they wrote the letter. Naturally Angelina is being a punk about it. The Situation heads outside for a minute and overhears their conversation while he's adjusting the lawn furniture (don't even ask). So of course he goes back inside post-haste and tells Sammi the other girls are talking shit about here Quoth Sitch: "When it doesn't have anything to me, I think it's hilarious. I'll just be the bystander playing around. I'll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face." So while Sammi starts cursing the other girls inside, Snooki is still outside trying to do what she thinks is best for Sammi, albeit in the most passive-aggressive, bullshit way.
JWOWW finally sees that Snooki won't bend on this topic, so she tells Angelina to bring Sammi out. When Angelina goes in, Sammi snits that she shouldn't have to go out, that they should come to her. Such are the petty politics of morons. It's a miracle as much gets accomplished in the house as it does. Long story short, JWOWW threatens to backhand Sammi (why? not sure?), Snooki claims she's the only good friend in the house, then storms right past those two bitches and into the house... past Sammi, who was the original focus of this discussion.
Instead of everyone clearing the air, Snooki quits that bitch, leaving JWOWW (in a Day-Glo dress, no less) to duke it out with Sammi. Yep, they're fighting. And I have no fucking idea why. Deceit takes its toll, I guess. Basically the fight goes like this:
Sammi: You should talk to me!
JWOWW: Well you should talk to us!
Sammi: Screw you, talk to me!
JWOWW: Well your man's putting his dick in other bitches.
The Situation: Whoa!
I wouldn't think that you could come back from that, but Snooki does, so she comes back to put her two cents in. Sammi thinks that JWOWW and Snooki were her closest friends in the house and were, therefore, obligated to be the bearers of bad news. JWOWW's main response to that is "Fuck you." All the while, Ronnie's all, "But I was single!" Are we sensing a trend here? Same topic, yet three entirely different conversations. This is how stupid people argue. And somehow Sammi still doesn't know who wrote the note. I'd consider that a moot point, but if these kids have anything, it's arbitrary and intense standards. They'll let pretty much anything fly as long as you own it. So when no one fesses up to the note, that's somehow worse than Ronnie himself, who is a filthy, tainted specimen of humanity. Jersey justice! Dun dun.
A whole lot of this-and-that follows where JWOWW continues to defend the note and Ronnie parses the whole process of the note-writing because, let's be frank, picking apart others' decision-making process is the only leg he has to stand on at this point. Sammi storms out, crying for how embarrassed she is (much of her own making, I might add). And it's Ronnie, i-RON-ically who comes to comfort her. Yes, he who is responsible for all of her problems because he's drunken 'roid addict with biceps for brains. Snooki regrets ever having sent the note because Sammi doesn't "appreciate it." Was that really the point? Does anyone ever appreciate being told they've been clowned?
Eventually Sammi emerges from the bathroom and goes to her room to talk to Snooki and JWOWW. She explains that the letter, as well as all the circumstances that prompted it, have mentally and physically destroyed her. She says she's not been herself lately, and she feels like everyone has been playing games with her. She leaves before they have a chance to respond.
She heads outside to say much of the same to Ronnie. He plies her with bullshit about how strong they are together and how they've gotten through all of this shit together. I'm guessing that together to him means, Ronnie + Sammi + That Chubby Waitress Who's Okay with Motorboating. She talks about how shady everyone is, and he looks at her like the fucking Christ Child in the manger and asks, "I'm shady?" Sammi goes back inside to re-read the letter a jillion times (pathetic), and Ronnie says, totally earnest, that "All [he] can do is give her her space and hope that time brings [them] brings them back together." Seriously, y'all, he is repulsive. At least Sitch and Pauly are honest about their game (or lack thereof). Speaking of, where the eff is Pauly? I think this house could use a bit of motorcycle-proof hair right now.
The day, Vinny worries about a pain he's having in his eye. As they head to the eye doctor, he flashes back to the pink eye he contracted in Jersey. Pauly joins him for his appointment, but does Vinny no favors by razzing him every step of the way, including in front of the lady doctor. The visit ends up being a no-go, except that one of the lab techs can't believe Vinny's actually Italian because he's "so white." Zing!
Back at the house, it's emotional destruction be damned as Ronnie fires up the blender for a batch of Ron Ron Juice. That's to say nothing of Sam, who's putting on her second favorite pair of white shorts in anticipation of the night to come. I think these people may have all been selected from an early-onset Alzheimer's test lab. How else can explain this intensity of short-term memory? Other than stupidity, of course...
At any rate, they hit up da club. Angelina meets a fellow (who -- spoiler! -- she totally blue balls later). Sitch gets lots of ab rubbin' until he finds a girl worthy to take home. What is The Situation's type, you might ask? Well, massive knockers to start, blonde hair, and smart enough to "go to college" (not necessarily graduate, mind you). I would have thought this one would have fit into the chicken cutlet-dropping grenade category myself, but I'm not Sitch, so what do I know? The rest of the roommates arrive back home, and Sitch leaves his flavor du jour back in the bedroom while he full-on knife-and-fork carboloads pre-smushing. Sitch pounds her out, then emerges. "Already?" asks Ronnie. And you know that is not a good sign. Sitch explains that he's mere moments away from kicking that trick out. He heads back into the bedroom, where he tries to act as smooth and caring as possible, all the while saying in as many ways as possible "Please leave." Minutes later, she click-clacks her busty self outta there. She is barely out the door before Sitch breaks his end-zone dance out and pronounces, "And that's how you get 'em out!" Ronnie snickers. Everyone's a dick here, don't get me wrong, but that goes double for Ronnie. He is vile.
The morning, Sammi and Ronnie wake up together. Seriously? I guess she's working on the rule that it doesn't count if you've already been there. The other girls wake up and remember they've promised the boys they'd make family dinner. Snooki consults with a professional chef ex-boyfriend, and they decide on penne alla vodka. They get about two steps into the grocery store before Snooki gets distracted by a jar of pickles and loses the grocery list. Meanwhile, the guys eat a big lunch and anticipate what a mess the girls' attempt at cooking will be. This is the only time I will give them credit for wisdom or foresight. Write this shit down in the books.
Back at the house, JWOWW is in a particularly prickly mood when she arrives home from "shopping for four hours." What the Hell did they buy? Ain't nothin' in penne alla vodka that takes four hours of shopping. While they cook, Sammi is her usual bitchy self and offers little to no help with the cooking, even though -- according to JWOWW -- she was the one who first came up with the idea of the girls cooking. Regardless, they manage to prepare the food without any incident (unless you consider briefly setting the counter on fire an incident). Sammi makes a point in not eating any of JWOWW's food. Because she's a stupid bitch. I don't know how else to cushion that information at this point, y'all.
After dinner, JWOWW gets on the phone and bitches to her boyfriend Tom about what a hag Sammi is and how they're not friends anymore. Summary: JWOWW is a breath away from hitting a bitch.
The morning, Angelina and Sammi brave the torrential downpour to man the gelato shop. Because she has no other options, Sammi apologizes for treating Angelina badly earlier and tells Angelina that she considers her a friend now. Sammi interviews that she still holds a grudge against the other girls for not owning up to writing the note. Remember how all the guys said Sammi was stupid enough to find out everything Ronnie had done and still go back to him? Remember how that seemed harsh at the time? Now add to that befriending Angelina. Ummmm, yeah.
So naturally Angelina leverages this shit inasmuch as her puny brain allows. She starts with a general statement: "I want to tell you things, but I feel like I can't tell you things." Because Sammi's even punier brain is working overtime against common sense, she immediately puts every ounce of her trust (at least the trust she hasn't idiotically put in Ronnie) into Angelina. Angelina doesn't say anything directly, but she pretty clearly acknowledges that Snooki and JWOWW wrote the note, all the while explicitly denying that she wrote it. It's true, yet so dirty... And this is how household rivalries are born!
Meanwhile, Vinny gets out his finest faux bling crucifix in honor of Melissa, The Situation's sister (and Vinny's Jersey Shore hook-up), visiting the house. Even with all the jewelry, he's still giggling like a school girl when she takes the grand tour. Somebody has a crush!
Eventually, they all get ready for da club. Once there, everyone get his/her game on, including Vinny with Melissa. More worthwhile, however is the game of cat and mouse that The Situation is playing with a crimpy-haired dominatrix that Pauly quickly pegs for a shemale. All the housemates, save Sitch, explain it's a Miami rule that, if you have to take a minute to think about whether a hot chick might be a tranny, you're already done for. Cut to an interview with Sitch looking the most flummoxed I've ever seen him. He swears it was the first time, that he doesn't know what he was thinking, but that he's a trooper. He's The Situation!
While The Situation expands his horizons, JWOWW and Snooki talk smack about Sammi. A little bit later, Ronnie spots Sitch, Angelina, and Pauly, who has messed-up hair -- a sure sign he's drunk off his face -- heading into a cab. It's obviously been a slow night because, tranny-baiting aside, Pauly ends up making out with Angelina in the back of the cab. Sitch wonders where his sister's going to sleep, so Angelina smugly offers her bed since she'll obviously be sleeping in Pauly's. Just be prepared to wake up covered in shellac, girl. It's worth noting that Pauly and Sitch share a wide-eyed look at that possibility. Angelina doesn't seem to get that she's no better than the busty blonde from earlier in the episode. If she didn't happen to live in the house, any one of these guys would have a cab for her before she could say landmine.
The kids head back home, at which point Pauly is so inebriated that Vinny thinks he'd hook up with him. JWOWW calls her boyfriend and tells him how wrecked Pauly is. Out of nowhere, Angelina tells Ronnie and Sammi that JWOWW was talking shit about them. Of course they're ready to get pissy about anything JWOWW-related at the drop of a hat. But Vinny, who interviews that he usually keeps quiet, intercepts Angelina's chicanery to defend The WOWW. He heads back to JWOWW's room to tell her that Angelina is stirring up shit, so she walks out to wonder why a phone call with her boyfriend is even the topic of conversation. Angelina denies, denies, denies, then Sammi gets snotty, as usual, asking, "Who gives a fuck?"
As is the flow of drunken exchanges, something completely inconsequential turns into a BFD, and suddenly JWOWW and Sammi are using this excuse to have it out with each other over their issues that have been festering all day. JWOWW wonders whether Sammi "grew some balls all of a sudden." Sammi insists she always had balls (but not as big as Sitch's girl at da club, oh!) and tells JWOWW she's not going to fight because she's "mature and classy." They go back and forth, back and forth, until JWOWW says Sammi's just acting out because JWOWW called Ronnie out. Sammi point her square-tipped French manicure right in JWOWW's face and asks if she and Snooki wrote the note. JWOWW things this hostility is a little rich coming from someone who practically begged her girlfriends to tell the truth about Ronnie. They scream some more in each other faces until JWOWW pushes a bitch. Cue cat fight. Sammi falls to the floor. Angelina helps her up long enough to get her balance, then Sammi lunges at JWOWW and throws a punch in her face.
week: The cat fight continues. In the house! In the gelato shop! In a mud pit! Okay, I made that last one up. Also, Vinny says Angelina's an ugly bitch who's "more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island." Then they hook up. Wait, what?
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