Previously: Ronnie was an unbelievable jerk, and Snooki and JWoww took weeks to inform Sammi of this fact. Via an "anonymous" letter. That they haven't even used yet. By planting it in a piece of furniture that one of six people (besides Sammi and Ronnie) could access. Need I continue?
'Tis night at the Jersey Shore, a.k.a. North Beach, a.k.a. way less classy than South Beach... which is saying a lot. JWoww and Snooki tell Angelina about the so-called anonymous letter they've printed. Angelina, as usual, refuses to associate herself with anything unless she gets credit that she deems good. Snooki justifies that they're doing the right thing, which is a bit of a stretch considering how insistent they are on using an "anonymous" letter. And in case you needed a jacked-up thesis statement, look no further than Angelina, who claims she "don't know nothin' 'bout Ron." Bullshit and bad grammar unite!
Later that night, JWoww spends several minutes jamming her breasts together, only to have them fall back to the already-gravity defying place she paid Dr. Silicone to have them placed. That is all.
Eventually, she heads out with Snooki and Snooki's Gaga-meets-Kanye glasses. Did I mention last call is in 20 minutes? What have you people been doing all day?! It's Pride Week, so they hit up the gay bars where people can truly appreciate the unnatural curve of the Woww Twins.
Meanwhile, the guys are on the hunt for all ladies DTF.
Snooki and JWoww return to the house so Snooki can call Emilio, who is predictably dickish about Snooki's exploits, including but not limited to having fun with The Gays. Snooki regrets falling in love with such a tool bag and tells him never to call her again. As JWoww claps her approval, the phone rings, and Snooki hangs up for good.
Meanwhile, the guys are up to no good at Klutch. They find two good-looking girls to bring home and wonder how they are going to divide the spoils of war. Oh, but the plot thickens! Suddenly, they have another set of girls, one of whom is a hippopotamus! Life is hard on the Jersey-cum-Miami Shore, right? So they send the grenade-land mine combo to Vinny and Ronnie's room, all the while putting the hot chicks on the other side of the house. The reconvene to form a plan, which basically consists of hoping that the grenade will fall asleep. Would you believe it all works out? And the moral of the story is... LOW STANDARDS!
The morning, it's naked chicks everywhere! Just another day for the kids of the Jersey Shore. After all this exertion, Sitch decides to skip T and L only so he can take time to shop for tonight's family dinner. They also note that it's Angelina's turn to clean up the house. Shockingly, Angelina spends her entire day talking on the phone instead of cleaning. Cue drama. Neon-shirted drama, no less! And Sitch advising Angelina to hit the treadmill. Question: Why is Angelina in an Herve Leger bandage dress in the middle of the day? Does this bother anyone else? Needless to say, there's a lot of stereotypical Italian yelling and nothing gets solved.
That afternoon, JWoww takes Snooki out so she can move on from Emilio. Snooki is very upset about this failed relationship, though I couldn't tell you why. Emilio is about as useless as a bald man at a Pouf retreat.
That night, the fight between Sitch and Angelina carries on, and tension permeates the house. Sitch eventually apologizes, despite Angelina's haggery, and they all conclude that she is neither excluded from Ravioli Night, nor Asparagus Night, nor Surf 'n' Turf Night, etc. Shout out to last season, and everybody wins!
Once dinner begins, Pauly notices that Snooki is but a Pouf-shell of what she used to be. He offers to take Emilio's Social Security number and sort the whole thing out. She says that she's over it, that tomorrow she's going out and remind us all of the face punch-worthy hooch she used to be.
A few hours later, Snooki gathers all her pictures of Emilio and burns that shit up. Including all the dates they went on that she paid for. What a catch!
Speaking of, that night is the moment when JWoww and Snooki finally decide it's time to plant their "anonymous" letter so Sammi can find out the truth about Ronnie. They claim not to sleep much that night, but eventually it's time to report to work at the gelato shop.
While they're at work, Sammi finds the note, which says, according to her, that "Ron gets with fat chicks, hooks up with girls, holds hands with girls, got a girl's number..." All in all, a pretty amazing enumeration if you ask me. And yet, this is the one time that Sammi deems it valuable to consult with the other guys so she doesn't "look stupid." Sheesh. Did you see the first season, honey? Naturally, none of the guys are willing to turn on Ronnie.
Over at the gelato shop, Snooki and JWoww are in meltdown over the consequences of their self-perpetuated drama.
Back at home, Vinnie communicates -- via improvised sign language -- to Ronnie that Sammi has caught wise to his deceptions. Ronnie interviews that the people who sent this "anonymous" notes are jerk-offs and should "man up." I cannot even begin to comment on how rich and ridiculous those statements are, because we would seriously be here for days. To keep it short, Ronnie is toast.
So he heads into Sammi's room to grab the bullshit by the horns. He says he immediately suspected Sitch, Snooki or JWoww. Once he saw the letter, he claims it could never be Snooki because she wouldn't use the word "Wisely." Oh, the irony! He thinks his roommates should mind their own business, which is really neither here nor there. Eventually, he admits to some of the accusations, which only bolsters Sammi's feelings that he's guilty of everything. Purple eye shadow and black eyeliner flow down cheeks as Ronnie insists that he's not that far in the weeds. He estimates that, if a grave is six feet, he's probably only three feet down. So he's a prick and a butterface? A winning combination!
Ronnie sets about figuring out who wrote the letter. He's less concerned with the accusations (because they were true) than with the anonymity. In case you haven't figured, these are people with arbitrary standards of honor. For example, it's okay if you're an out-and-out asshole as long as you admit it and express regret (regardless if it's fake). Therefore, it was the worst thing anyone could ever do to write an anonymous letter of indictment. In accordance with their nonsense standards, that makes the letter writers the guilty party -- not Ronnie. Because at least Ronnie's honest about what a d-bag he is. Get it?
So Sammi and Ronnie have it out about the aforementioned d-baggery. Ronnie claims he doesn't remember making out with any other chicks. Twice. Cue footage. Twice. He does admit to getting another girl's number, and that's enough to make Sammi sick. She walks away, and Ronnie follows. She cries about how horrible Ronnie is, and he claims he never did anything wrong. Sound familiar? Then she says (all together now!), "We're done." Somehow in the midst of all this, he continues to be the one that's offended while she's the one looking for another pillow case for all her crying. Ridiculous.
Meanwhile, Vinnie and Pauly revise their itinerary to GTF: "Gym, Tan, and Find Out Who Wrote the Note." JWoww and Snooki, who are still back at the gelato shop, can't take the suspense any longer. They call the house in hopes that Angelina will answer and they can find out whether Sammi found the note. When they call, Sammi answers and gives them the third degree about whether they were the ones who left the note. They play dumb. Pathetically. And revel in the drama. And when The Situation hears about this "anonymous" note (that he truly believes is anonymous... because he's a frigging idiot), he takes it to the level. Homeboy is positively thrilled.
Eventually, everyone reconvenes at home. Sammi, still in the shower, tells JWoww and Snooki to read the note on her bed. They try not to laugh, but Sitch is loving. Every. Minute. Especially the "multiple fat women" reference. Needless to say, Sammi is not amused. JWoww claims innocence, saying she's "not getting involved" because she wasn't actually at da club when Ronnie's indiscretions occurred, but she does tell Sammi that she'll look like a fool if she stays with Ronnie after all this has come out. Best of all, Snooki claims she was blacked out and, thus, couldn't possibly have written it either. An excuse if I ever heard one! Instead of focusing on the fact that Ronnie is a prick of the highest caliber, Sammi obsesses over who wrote the note. Naturally, suspicions fall on Angelina. When Sammi walks back to the bathroom to get changed, Snooki and JWoww high-five over a job well done. JWoww concludes that if Sammi stays with Ronnie, then she'll look like "the dumbest bitch." With friends like these...
Ronnie eventually arrives back, wise to the fact that JWoww and Snooki had something to do with the letter. He declares that they are dead to him. He tries to talk to Sammi that night, but she has likewise decided that he's dead to her. He perpetrates all sorts of bullshit trying to make it look like she's the one that put the nail in the coffin on the relationship. At the end of the day, he's the one with the suffocating memory of fat chicks on his lap.
And in his phone book! Ronnie immediately sets about calling every cheap trick whose number he ever collected at some third-rate club engagement. He tells some hooker on the phone that she needs to provide the "S" to go with his "GT." She tries to be romantic and take it to the candlelit dinner place, but he tells her he wants the full-on Varsity Blues whip cream bikini treatment. Classy. And she goes for it!
Sammi interrupts, so he hangs up the phone. She tries to confront him about what a selfish bastard he is, but he turns it around about how she strung him along and yadda yadda yadda. She concludes that they were not meant to be. Congratulations, idiots! You finally came to a conclusion the rest of us reached five minutes into the third episode of Season One. Awesome.
week: More note drama. And more Vinny and Snooki snuggles!
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