Last season on Jersey Shore: Fists were busy doing many things -- pumping, punching Snooki's adorable little mug, and God-knows-what else when it comes to The Situation and wingman Pauly D's hot tub shenanigans. "Pouf," "grenade," "GTL," "juicehead gorilla," "beat up the beat," and countless other verbal gems entered the lexicon. We all laughed, cried, and ate peppers and sausages as we met Snooki and her back walk-over, Pauly D and his Prince Albert, JWoww and the garments loosely called "clothes" that she employed to cover her rock-hard implants. Also, there was Ronnie Roid Rage, Sammi Sweetheart, two other people who made very little impact on anything, and one truly fierce duck phone. Citizens of Miami, beware. The world's greatest sociological experiment is comin' atcha!
We open during Snowpocalypse 2010. All the Guidos and Guidettes mourn the cold weather in their own ways, mostly overshadowed by Snooki's trademark "WAAAAAAH!" They all decide to escape to Miami, where it's warmer and their burnt sienna-toned flesh won't stand out so much.
Over in Johnston, Rhode Island, Pauly D mourns the lack of tanning and creeping opportunities during the winter and says he's most looking forward to hitting up the topless beach in Miami. He takes to the road to pick up his partner in crime Michael Sorrentino, some of whose many aliases include "The Situation," "Sitch," and "Butterface."
In Poughkeepsie, Snooki tries to force her meatballs (not a euphemism) on Emilio, her boyfriend-for-five-minutes-with-whom-she'd-already-broken-up-at-the-time-of-air-ah-young-love! She introduces America to DOA Emilio, the gorilla juicehead of her dreams, at least for three months or so. She prophetically says of her forthcoming adventures in Miami: "I really don't want to cheat, but you know, if you're gonna hand me a bottle of frickin' SoCo, something just comes over me. I just go crazy."
, Povero Emilio shows us what a good boyfriend he was by spraying Sizzling Salads balsamic vinaigrette on Snooki's face. She explains that she can't afford those ritzy tanning salons now that Obama has taxed them 10%. She really sticks it to Ol' Barry by adding that John "Pasty" McCain would have never committed such heresy. It's true, he wouldn't!
Cut to a bit later and a five-minute prop gag in which teacup-sized Snooki tries to hoist her cheetah- and zebra-striped luggage into her oversized SUV. Finally, after much grunting, Snooki rolls out of her driveway, and Poughkeepsie breathes a sigh of relief.
Elsewhere, Pauly D braves the tan-smearing rain to pick up The Situation, who is wearing every piece of Ed Hardy clothing Christian Audigier has ever conceived, fabricated and/or discarded. Somewhere Jon Gosselin's heart breaks a little. Sitch reminds us how close he and Pauly D became last season, thanks to Pauly's willingness to throw his fireproof, motorcycle-proof hair on more than one ugly chick last summer on The Shore. As they drive South, they visualize their plan of attack on the unsuspecting ladies of Miami.
Meanwhile, Snooki picks up JWoww and wonders why JWoww's bag is so heavy. The Woww has two words for Snickers: "Fuckin' bronzer!" Nice. Snooki makes similar declarations to The Situation's and Pauly D's about how Miami betta watch out. She says they're going to be like a tornado, going from place to place and destroy it. With their herpes.
we travel to actual New Jersey, where Sammi Sweetheart's friends tell her to get some ass this summer. She recaps the Liz Taylor-Richard Burton-esque relationship she had with Ronnie last summer and how they mutually decided to end things. She acknowledges that things might be weird this go-around, but who really cares when you're getting paid to live on South Beach and smush up on juiceheads for a couple months, right?
Further east in the Bronx, Ronnie and his bros chase their roid cycles with some Ron Ron Juice and talk up Ronnie's new "Single and Ready to Mingle" status. One of his totally dateable buddies (gag me with a salsicc') gives him some precautionary tips for all the ugly bitches he's gonna pound out.
Staten Island. Vinny bids goodbye to his traveling circus of a family, with one uncle advising him, "Don't get too much nookie from Snooki!" He says that his uncles want him to come to Miami and "bang everything," but his goal is to seek out higher quality ladies this time around. Or just any at all?
Somewhere down I-95 South, The Situation and Pauly D are gunning it so they can arrive in Miami first and pick the best room. Oh, but the plot thickens! Snooki and JWoww have put together their bronzer-addled brains to come up with the exact the same plan. The intrigue! The suspense! The summer camp-ness of it all is too much to bear!
Back in the boys' car, Pauly weighs in on Angelina's rumored return. He says he doesn't care if she's back, as long as she doesn't cock block like she did last summer. His attitude may have softened a bit, he clarifies, because she didn't block his cock one bit when they hooked up at a club in L.A. over the hiatus. But as is the life with Pauly D, he used her just like all the others, and the day it was on to the .
Speak of the cock blocker, Angelina makes her way down from Staten Island to MIA. She says she's glad to have gotten a second chance even though the rest of us are scratching our heads as to why she did. She says she's looking forward to showing everyone "the real Angelina," not just the bitchy side. I, for one, am not so sure there is another side. To wit, she says that her brief stay in the house last season was so tumultuous because the other girls were jealous. Cut to JWoww and Snooki laughing at Angelina's hype that she's considered "the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island." "What ass?" snarks JWoww. All the while, Angelina gets her lady business waxed and ready as she explains that she's been talking with Pauly D and The Situation, that they "invited" (through production staff intermediaries, no doubt) her down to Miami, so she's going. She declares, "The bitch of Staten Island is back! And ready to party..." for about 12 minutes before she decides she's too lazy to actually work for her paycheck again.
That night, Sitch and Pauly pass through Myrtle Beach and buy about 10 grand in fireworks. No joke. So heavy are these explosive dazzlers, in fact, that their SUV gets stuck in the mud (of a frickin' corn field!) up to its footboards. And let me tell you, as Pauly dials AAA, it is riveting! Psssssh. If this is what they're leading with, I do worry a bit about the sustainability of this show... Not letting anything rain on their moron parade, they set off the 73,000 fireworks while waiting for the guy from AAA -- who gets stuck in the mud after he arrives! Save us all. So they have to call another AAA truck to rescue them. It's a veritable mirror hall of dumbfuckery. Has no one here seen the Oscar-winning cinematic masterpiece My Cousin Vinny?! Eventually, they get out with only one casualty: Pauly's new pair of shoes. RIP Nikes!
Off in another hamlet of Southern Amurikuh, JWoww and Snooki roll up into a roadhouse. From their all-black outfits, it seems obvious they've seen My Cousin Vinny. Because if I'm taking fashion cues from any fictional character, it's definitely Mona Lisa Vito. Stepping up her Deep South game, Snooki dons a cowboy hat so she'll "fit in." Or maybe because the Pouf formed a union with JWoww's bleach streaks, and they both demanded the night off. The ladies immediately note how dead the place is and how they want to get out of there ASAP. Then Snooki sees fried pickles on the menu. This is the moment that Emilio lost his place in her heart, I think. She describes her first time eating fried pickles, and she's like a born-again virgin, juiced for the very first time. She sums up that it was "a life-changing experience."
It's obvious that the int
erlude will be less memorable. Some random good ol' boy (more emphasis on the "boy" than the "old") and offers them lemon drop shots so he can sit down and pick their brains. Sadly, we don't see all the parts where he probes them for the answers to world peace, global warming, and perfect ratio of double-stick tape to fabric on a braless night out at Karma. MTV has to keep some secrets after all! We do, however, see them rolling their eyes at how he doesn't know how to vibe. "Obviously he fucks his sister for a living," Snooki says. First, I take offense to that as an Alabamian, and second, Snooki hooked up with The Situation for air time... So let's just say people in glass hot tubs shouldn't throw stones, okay? They eventually bait Cleetus into an attempt at fist pumping. He rolls his head around like he's prepping for the friggin' Olympics, then goes to town. Verdict: Too much pump, not enough fist. Snooki and JWoww leave, unimpressed by the South, and even more resolved to get down to Miami for all that sweet, sweet gorilla pounding.
And now MTV's given us some added value by throwing in some Blockbuster-sponsored vignettes. Highlight #1: The Rock is "the ultimate gorilla." I suspect you will not be seeing a Highlight #2. Sorry to disappoint.
Back in the Bronx, "Smush Captain" Ronnie packs up his things for South Beach. Likewise in Jersey, Sammi teeters out to the corner and waits for her pimp... uh, I mean producer to come pick her up. Over in Staten, Angelina delights in the anticlimactic, boner-crushing surprise of her own arrival. How can the girl who left on the principle of "I am too lazy to work in a boardwalk T-shirt shop" be such a legend in her own mind? Speaking of unwarranted self-inflation, Vinnie vows to get with a different hooch every night and double up if he ever misses a night. As Angelina Schmolie heads to her plane, Ronnie and Sammi remind us not to care about their stupid showmance some more.
Snooki and JWoww, Pauly and Sitch hit up Florida simultaneously, serenaded by the ghost of Enrique Iglesias's mole. The boys win the battle of the bedroom selection, arriving at the house first. The hot tub looks semi-classy, and it doesn't stink like thousands of cigarette butts, Drakkar Noir, and discarded dignity (yet), so I'd say these kids are moving up in the world.
Speaking of moving up in the world, trash bag-less Angelina arrives as they scope out the rooms. She admits she's expecting the worst. Which, if I had pink pockets sticking out of my booty shorts, I probably would as well. And she is on them like bianco on risotto, y'all. She gives each a desperately friendly hug like they're besties from forever, and all they can do is grimace behind her back.
Sitch interviews that he doesn't hate on many people, but he is less than thrilled to see Angelina. He advises her to pick a room so she's not stuck with someone she doesn't like. Without a beat, she asks if she can bunk with them. Oh, sweet irony, I'm glad we've gotten this summer share together! Sitch and Pauly consider Angelina's aforementioned history of cock blocking and momentarily humor her anyway.
They mug and curse up a storm as she lugs her stuff into their room. Pauly wastes no time pointing out her legitimate suitcases and mocking that they still have price tags on them. He considers both sides of having Angelina as a roommate. Con: She's a bitch and a game killer. Pro: She has a vagina. More to the point, she reminds them they've all hooked up and assures each she's up for another round. They decide to let her stay on a temporary basis.
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Sammi arrives . Mike is the first to recognize her "irritating voice" and the first to put it out there that he'd be willing to take Ronnie's scraps this time around. The boys help with Sammi's luggage, leaving Sweetheart to set eyes on Angelina and make a quick catty quip about the short shorts. And let me tell you, if Sammi, who considers shorts appropriate for a romantic date night out is calling you out for your Daisy Dukes, then you need to reconsider the contents of your closet. Just sayin'.
Angelina asks if she and Sammi are cool. Sammi gives her the brush-off, saying she's reserving judgment because she heard about some of Angelina's shit-talking. Angelina demonstrates her maturity and restraint by immediately going over to talk shit about Sammi to The Situation. He interviews that he's looking forward to watching the fireworks between the girls in the house. As Sammi considers her room choice (helped out by a sign that reads, "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m."), she confesses she's still hurt and nervous about seeing Ronnie again.
Vinnie shows up and does a little jig of happiness to see Pauly. Not so much for Angelina, whom he says "lacks brains," which makes them incompatible as friends. He sets up his stuff in the room that he'll share with Ronnie, who arrives shortly after. Sammi says for the gajillionth time that it's going to be a difficult situation seeing her ex, but she'll have to deal with it. He gets the tour from the guys while Sammi wanders around pretending to be busy unpacking but is actually conspicuously ignoring him. She finally trudges out to the kitchen so they can cross paths, and they cut to commercial before we can see his reaction.
Another Blockbuster interstitial (for a heist flick) in which JWoww acts like a vapid, brainless ditz. The ShePratt of the Jersey Shore, if you will. Also, The Situation doesn't steal money, he steals hearts. Ugh.
Back to this show's attempt at a cliffhanger, Sammi makes her way out to see Ronnie for the first time in months. He gives her a friendly, earnest hug, which only makes her fully realize that she's put herself in a potentially horrible situation, particularly by sleeping in the room right to his. They unpack side by side, and she tries to throw a barb at him (if you consider, "Gym, tan, smush" a barb...). He walks out, and Vinnie appoints himself Captain Obvious to Ronnie's Captain Smush, walking through the closet area to Sammi and singing, "Awkwaaaaaard!"
That night as the housemates discuss the finer points of bikini waxing, Snooki and JWoww finally arrive. In club wear, no less. Or should I say Filthy Couture? They're just as ecstatic to see Angelina as everyone else and give her the silent treatment. Snooki echoes Sammi's concerns about Angelina's ass-talking. The guys sense the tension, but Angelina pretends she's above it, then heads out for a smoke with Sitch and talks yet more trash. For her part, Snooki claims she just wants an apology. JWoww would prefer to smash a bitch's face in. And she may just get her chance because Angelina swears she'll go off on anyone who talks shit about her. Mike tinkles his fingers at the prospect. Cut to Snooki and Sammi making a toast to "having a good time... and girls." Cut back to Angelina interviewing with zero self-awareness that Snooki and JWoww are too fake for her.
The pre-game continues with hot tubbing and Ron Ron Juice that JWoww spills all over Sammi's "favorite white shorts" when she breaks the closet shelf. Question: How many pairs of white shorts do you need to own in order to designate some as your favorites over others? Consider again, my friends, the Daisy Dukes and the glass hot tub. Snooki whines that she feels like a pilgrim when she has to hand wash Sammi's white cooter shorts. Which she then throws, wet, into a garbage bag. She has mentioned being a vet tech in the past. Do you think she does that with the puppies, too?
Angelina crosses through the high jinks. Sammi gives her the side eye, then says she can't face going outside with her ex-boyfriend and the harlot Angelina. Snooki goes out to observe her nemesis in the wild and reports back that Angelina is sitting to Ronnie in the hot tub. Sammi gets territorial, threatening to simultaneously put the smack down on both of them if they hook up. Just don't get blood on your white short shorts, sweetie!
At a quarter to 11, the gang finally decides to descend en masse on the unsuspecting souls of Miami. They whip out the nighttime sunglasses, the fake hair, the never worn T-shirts, the shots, etc. and finally pile into a cab. Not two seconds into the ride to da club, Angelina -- in the girls' cab -- is yawning. Homegirl is not cut out for this. All the while, Sammi frets that she'll see Ronnie smushing on another girl tonight.
Out of nowhere, Angelina inserts herself into the conversation concocting some tenuous drama about how hypocritical the girls are for stressing over guys when she left the show last season because of a guy (or because she was too lazy and hung-over to work at a T-shirt shop!... but who's counting?). None of the other ladies have any patience for this, and before you can say "Catfight," JWoww is literally standing up in the cab asking if Angelina wants to get punched in the face. The girls continue to say variations of "I hate your scraggly ass," and Angelina ridiculously interviews that she's trying to come into the house with a fresh start and act classy. By gratuitously accusing your roommate of being a stupid, hypocritical bitch in the first six hours? I'm starting to see where Vinny was coming from with this whole "lacks brains" thing.
More screaming. Cut to the dead silence of harmony in the guys' cab. Heh. Back to the caterwauling, Angelina says the other girls are being "trashy." JWoww's all, "Takes one to know one, hooker." Angelina whines that she's being ganged up on. As if she didn't start this entire confrontation. Sammi finally extricates herself from the situation by hopping out of the cab at the first chance. Snooki is still yelling as she exits, calling Angelina a "white rat." Angelina, in turn, tells Snooki she's too tan. Snooki: "I like being tan, bitch!"
They eventually arrive in the club. The girls all move on pretty quickly by ordering the biggest frozen drinks you've ever seen, but Angelina sits herself in the corner and mopes. That tension isn't going to perpetuate itself! Except for in the case of Ronnie and Sammi, who immediately get to fighting over who was more hurt by their break-up. Ronnie interviews that all his pent-up resentment toward Sammi is coming out tonight. They spit harsh, indecipherable indictments at each other until they tire out and get a cab home with Snooki, Vinnie, and JWoww. Before they even get out of the parking lot, Ronnie manages to call Sammi a word that rhymes with "runt" before hopping back out of the car with Vinnie.
As the girls drive off, Vinnie escorts Ronnie back into the club for some creeping. Commence roid-fueled gyrating and vomit-inducing make out sessions with both grenades ("a bigger ugly chick," explains The Situation) and landmines ("a thinner ugly chick"). The best, though, is the in-between shots of Angelina pulling at her hair jealously that she's the last girl standing and still no one cares. But wait! The tables turn as Angelina acknowledges she's collecting dirt on Ronnie to tell Sammi in case they become friends again. But for now, she agrees with Ronnie that Sammi is a C U Tuesday. Then we're treated to some more shots of Ron Ron Juicehead, and by which I mean Aaaaaaah! My eyes! Ronnie just pole danced, y'all.
Back at the house, JWoww calls a friend and lays out her plan to beat up Angelina. It involves taking off her earrings, pulling her hair up... and putting Vaseline on her face? Over in the kitchen, Sammi tearfully wonders how she can still have feelings for Ronnie and he can be treating her so badly. She admits she still wants to be with him but says maybe things don't always have a fairy tale ending. But they do end with Ronnie deep-tonguing two girls at once! And Angelina grinning evilly with a twinkle of blackmail in her eyes.
This season: Big sombrero! Vinny bags Snooki! Grenades aplenty! Chick fights! Cement camel riding! And more!
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