Hey, they changed up the teaser thing again. This time, a woman reads the script. Now, I'm fascinated. Just kidding. OR AM I??
I love TiVo for a lot of reasons: the convenience; how it satisfies my urge to hoard (ask me how many hours of Cheaters I have on that thing); the fast-forwarding of commercials. But this week's intro gives me another big reason: the slow button. In between routine stock footage of our nation's capital, a shot of a man in a blindfold was dropped in. Just a flash. And it was cut between shots of our flag and the outside of a building. Non-TiVo-owners missed it for sure. Even with a VCR, it'd be hard to catch. But me and Funhouse saw it, and took the time to pause and rewind and go "WTF?" to each other. Later, we see what it was, but seriously, WTF? What is this, Fight Club? More like Math Club. But in my world, Math Club is secret code for...shit, I can't tell you. I just forgot the first rule of Math Club. No, I didn't forget! The first rule of Math Club is...oh, snap. I just fucked it up again. I'm still in Math Club, though. Shit, I better shut up now. So yeah, there was a split-second shot of a man in a blindfold in the intro teasers, I saw it, and no, you aren't fooling me, Mister Greenwalt.
The music is all fast and pound-y and very Schwarzenegger-esque. Very Predator, very inaugural ball if Ministry were hired to play it. Jake breathes open-mouthed, and the shadow of a sniper moves across a very still American flag. The sniper is sweating and asking for things, on the condition that if his needs are met, no more hostages will be hurt. The Man asks for some hostages in exchange for a demand. Sniper is all, "I'm tired of being lied to by the U.S. government." God, finally. It seems no one else is. Aren't we all full on lies just about now? I'm up to my eyes in lies. I've eaten lies for so long I don't think I know what truth tastes like anymore. Pizza, maybe? And no, I don't know who I'm voting for November. Jake, using his super-eyes, sees a tiny crack in the wall behind the sniper. He tells The Man that a door was plastered over in the seventies, and he thinks he can bust through. Wow, this sounds like a shout-out to me. Nothing is funnier than thinking about Kool-Aid busting through a wall to make thirsty people happy. Well, that and the snap that goes, your mom is so fat, when people get thirsty they yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" and she jumps through a wall. Oh yeeeeaah! The Man tells Jake that snipers are coming in three minutes, and Jake is not to bust through that wall. Who does he think he is, anyway? A giant personified smiling pitcher, bringing relief to those face-down hostages who are probably thirsty as hell? I mean, come on! The Man continues to talk to the sniper, and Jake scurries off. Perhaps to fortify himself with twelve vitamins. The Man notices Jake's absence, and then moments later, ohhh yeeeah! Jake busts through the wall and wrestles the gun away from the sniper, then knocks him out cold. Kool!
After the hostages are bandaged and led away, The Man has a word with Jake. "I gave you specific orders. You think you're something special? Because you have powers? Well, I got news for ya! You're not!" I can see how it's be hard not to feel omnipotent when you're nanite-fueled. The Man is stern for sure, but not Wilford Brimley stern. Jake is letting The Man's scolding roll off him like condensation skee-daddlin' off the sides of a frosty, smiling pitcher. Just as The Man finishes with, "If you don't learn that, somebody's gonna get hurt," Jake looks down as a superficial cut heals before his eyes. Oh, Jake. You're so like Buffy! You have these powers, and you have to learn how to manage them. But you're not Valley Girly; you're Buffy-esque in a sexy, male, twee indie rocker way. I love you. Mwah.
Hey, it's that guy! The cop-boss from 21 Jump Street! That guy is awesome. So stern and handsome. General Jump Street strides down a hall and asks some army grunt to show him exactly what's wrong with his precious weapons. The grunt explains that, on his watch, nothing has ever been tampered with or gone wrong or been busted into. General Jump Street is all, shut up and show me today what the hell the problem is. Grunt then sets the timer off to detonate the weapon. The digital display counts down from ten seconds. General Jump Street draws his weapon and demands that Grunt stop the countdown. Grunt asks that the general observe. Ten seconds tick by, then nothing. "Will you explain what just happened?" Grunt says, "It's a decoy, sir." General Jump Street lets this sink in and says, "Somebody just stole one of my nukes?" Sounds like a job for the geeky, newly-omnipotent secret weapon of America, wouldn't you say?
Credits. Jake's life just got reeeeal interesting.
Leader of the Pack and The Man walk and talk. The Man is complaining that Jake has "a serious discipline problem...apparently there's no 'we' in 'nanite.'" Heh. There is a "nit," though. Leader wonders if it's just a phase, then tells The Man there's someone he has to meet: General Jump Street. She and the General shake hands warmly, and he calls her "Tank Buster." Ooh, is "Tank" secret code for "ball"? That would be awesome. She and the General met in the Gulf War. She was lethal with a rocket launcher. General asks if she trusts The Man. She says sexily, "Hoo-ah." Dude, they are so flirting! For everyone that gets excited over that HoYay business, here is some HetYay to sit up and notice. I know, it's not the same thing, but it's pretty awesome. The General says he's "glad [she] traded in her Black Hawk for a desk job with the NSA," since one of his tactical mini-nukes has been stolen. He thinks it was an inside job, probably from the elite special black ops team, the WolfPak. The Man asks if he's alerted CID. General Jump Street laughs. "This job needs to be done covertly. I know how they think. I used to be a member of the WolfPak. Before I turned sane." Leader says she can do it, but she needs to put someone on the inside. General says her agent has to pass muster, since the WolfPak are strong and agile and ruthless and all that butch stuff. Leader says she thinks she's got his man. Then she looks at The Man and says slyly, "You did say he needed some discipline."
Cut to Jake hanging out in Dr. Thora's lab, snuffling around her snack hiding-hole for some chips. She chides him, saying, "Your body is a temple, even a nanite-enhanced one." Bummer. Jake leans in and asks Dr. Thora if he's one of those guys that doesn't take orders and acts like he thinks he's all that, minus the bag of chips at the moment. Dr. Thora looks away and very faintly squirms. Jake is all, no way! I'm so not feeling like I'm invincible right now! Dr. Thora says she's "glad [The Man] read [him] the riot act." Jake is all, "Why, because you like to see me humiliated?" Dr. Thora says no, because she likes to see him alive. You'd think that would shut Jake up, but instead he starts grabbing at his eyebrows, jacking them up all like The Man's are, and imitating his deep, mellifluous voice. "Jake's grand-standing! Jake's chewing gum! Jake's..." The Man and Leader are standing behind him, and finish his sentence. "...got a new mission. Get up to speed." They drop a file and walk out. Dr. Thora does not, but could, say, oh, snap! Busted! You in trouu-ble!
Jake's in Leader's office, pleading the case of the wimpy. Him? In the WolfPak? There's "just one thing. Well, ah. I don't really do well with teams? Or packs? Especially ones in uniform. Jocks. Frat guys. Marching bands. They eat people like me for breakfast." Hee. Leader listens, then says, "Are you done?" Seriously, what a wuss. You've got nanites, dude. Nanites. Leader says, "You're gonna learn how to be a soldier." She's got someone to train him. Jake scoffs, "Who's the Yoda-like miracle worker who's gonna make that happen?" An idea I have, on who it might be! Mmmm! Tank Buster was her name! Her name from a looong-ago battle! Mmmm! Yes! Very strong she is! And learn Jake will! For an upstart he has become! And sass-mouth does not fly in the NSA, oh no! Mmmm.
And so he must learn. I mean, learn he must! Mmmm! Leader, all Giles-ian, is training him to fight. And, wearing a blindfold like we saw in the very quick shot in the first few opening scenes, Jake fights. He stabs a dummy, leaving his knife in the body, and says smugly, "Timmy won't be playing violin anytime soon." Leader shouts, "That is the most pathetic field kill I have ever seen. You will not leave your weapon in, on, or around the enemy. Do we understand each other!" And the answer is not a sheepish "yes ma'am," but Hoo-ah! Leader warns him not to go much farther than that in conversation with his fellow WolfPakians. Jake says he doesn't plan on opening up to "those psychopaths." They aren't crazy, says Leader, a little pissed off at him. They're a special ops team. They don't have to salute, wear their hair or uniform regulation, and don't have issues with "working in a morally gray area." Hey, me neither! I think I like the WolfPak thing, except for the Army part. It's kind of like being a recapper. Jake asks why Leader didn't join, and she explains that "they don't take women. The NSA does. So are you ready to do this?" Jake says, "Sure. I mean, hoo-ah." Leader says, "Hit me. Hit me!" Jake makes an attempt, and gets flipped on his back. He groans in pain. She says, "I hope you don't have any plans for the night."
Cut to an army base. Camo everywhere. Jake walks up in fatigues, his hair peeking out of a cute little army cap. Aww! So cute. On the scene, army guys scramble through an obstacle course as a man yells insults at them. Jake walk up and salutes the man screaming abuse, identifying himself as a sergeant and member of the WolfPak. The abuser pauses, looks unsettled, then says that they aren't the...those guys are the WolfPak. Jake looks in the direction the abuser has nodded in, and then the light gets all blown-out as a group of seriously scraggly guys walk towards him. They have jagged theme music, facial hair, cigars, hand grenades dangling from their belts and everything. Jake just about wets himself. What a savage-looking marching band. They even have matching brands of a wolf head! Aww. So cute, and scary at the same time. Jake gulps, then salutes what clearly is the leader, the head wolf, or WolfHed. WolfHed smiles and asks to see Jake's papers, then gives him what looks like a titty-twister so painful it knocks him to the ground. Jake winces and groans, and WolfHed explains that if Jake ever salutes him out in the open like that again, he'll off him. General Jump Street watches warily from a distance. "The pack is your mother, the pack is your father. From now on, anything you need, you'll get from us." Does Jake think he can handle that? The look in Jake's eyes is unlike anything I've seen all season. He's sure of himself, and he wants to prove WolfHed wrong. So wrong. All the way wrong, to jail wrong. Jake says quietly, "Hoo-ah." The Pak moves it on out, and one guy hangs back and says to Jake, "Welcome to hell!"
War Room. Leader wants to find where the nuke is. Understood? Monitor those...things! Then she tells The Man she has a special mission for him. HetYay! Or not.
comes a hilarious montage of Jake's WolfPak training. He scales the climbing wall with one jump. WolfHed sniffs and barely raises an eyebrow. Then, it's knuckle push-ups with a full pack, outside in the rain. The Pak is at 62. By 67, Jake switches up to hand-clap pushups. Hey, he said 69! Heh. Showoff.
It's dark, in the woods, and Jake talks to Dr. Thora on the phone. He asks worriedly if the nanites are "going to burn out," and that he thinks the Pak is "starting to respect [him]." Whoops, he's gotta get back to the barracks. Just as he shuts off the phone, some of his Pak members come up and give him props and pounds. "U.S.D.A. approved prime hard-ass!" God, that's corny. WolfHed says, "You've impressed every man in this unit. Good night." Jake laughs, "Good night!" Then they knock him unconscious. Whoops!
Morning. Jake wakes up, tied naked to a tree. General Jump Street takes him in his office for a talk, and a blanket. General says Jake's lucky he wasn't out on a mission. "They'd have just put a slug in your knee." Jake says "lucky" must be code for "torture" for that bunch of "jingoistic mesomorphs. Sir." Hee. Jake still hasn't learned a lesson. We're only 23 minutes in, so we have time for a little story. Does Jake know how Leader got the name Tank Buster? Jake guesses that she "blew up a bunch of tanks in the desert." No. "Tank was a man...that had no end of crap to give her. That she was black, that she was attractive, that she was a female. For everything, he had a slur. And she took it." Some military trumpets and snare drums start up to underscore this speech. Cue the fields of waving wheat! Alert the purple-mounted majesty! Rat-a-tat-tat! Anyway, one day there was a mission, and Leader and Tank Buster went. But no one knows what Leader did to finally shut up Tank Buster so he "never said a mean word to anyone ever again" and took a desk job, but that's what happened. What an anticlimactic story. I need closure on that anecdote!
Oh look, here's The Man, also undercover as a decorated officer. The Man explains that the WolfPak have laptops. Jake's going to have to bust in there and interface with them to figure out what happened to the nuke. Jake says, "Okay. And am I gonna do that before or after monkeys fly outta my butt?" Um. Before? The Man's eyebrows are jacked up beyond belief. Jake leans forward and asks not to be sent back into the Pak. Wuss! Think of all the people that could die if that bomb is ever detonated! "You have to find the discipline and commitment to do this all the way." Jake says okay, and stands up. "I need some nerve gas and a phone."
The WolfPak runs up a hill, chanting one of those "I don't know but I've been told" cheers. Jake waits, then decks WolfHed. He filibusters, calls them Mongolians, and wonders why WolfHed would have thought Jake could have followed him into battle. Then WolfHed gets him in a choke hold and tells a Pak member to get his shovel.
It's nighttime, and Jake is digging holes. WolfHed comes out and asks who put all these holes outside his barracks, where someone could fall in. "Listen to me, you little assclown, you get these holes off my base by sunup! Hoo-ah." Hee, "assclown." Jake pants and glowers at WolfHed, but says, "Hoo-ah."
It's still nighttime, but now Jake's in the barracks with a laptop. The Man stands there with another laptop, and asks why Jake had to dig holes as a punishment for clocking his C.O. Jake says, to impress on him that he's "too retarded to merit army-grade punishment. As you can see, the shame is unbearable." Jake still hasn't learned a lesson! The camera pulls back to show the barracks floor, strewn with bodies. Must be the nerve gas Jake requested. One guy passed out in the middle of brushing his teeth! The Man looks at one zonked guy and says, "There's a traitor in these barracks." Dude, it's probably all of them. Oh, sorry, we can't figure things out on this show until minute 51. My bad.
General Jump Street rides along in a military vehicle, then asks the driver to stop. He does. The general gets out and surveys the members of the WolfPak, excluding Jake, buried up to their necks by the side of the road. He chuckles. Now, I have to jump in with a Tale From Alex's Harem. This week, though, it isn't about me. It's about a friend of mine, let's call her "D.," and her harem experience.
Now, not everyone can handle a harem. But when I describe my recent experiences as single woman to some people, most of them want one for themselves. So this week, my friend D. found herself with a bit of a Sophie's Choice, except with banging guys instead of sending kids to concentration camps. She's known this guy B. for a few years, with whom she's made love before. Also there's T., a newer lover. She was in the city in which they both live (she's on another coast), and was loving anticipating which one she'd select for her partner that evening. Would it be T., the sexy emergency room doctor who just passed his boards? Or B., the pastry chef at the fancy-schmancy restaurant? B., you know, is a little uptight, and also a bit of a bigot. And who watches the Tony Awards like it's the Superbowl, anyway? T., on the other hand, is a rabid womanizer who doesn't keep in touch, but has such nice teeth! And those dreadlocks are so attractive. Before anything even went down, D. was leaning towards T. Then she went and got really, really drunk. Bourbon, you know. And no dinner. Then B. showed up, all cleaned and shined and hair plastered down like Alfalfa, and T. went to some party with a bunch of nurses. I poured D. into her bed at like twelve-thirty, alone. So, harems are not for everyone. But they're fun to think about. More fun to have, but like I said, they're not for everyone.
Muddy and barely dressed, the WolfPak makes their way back to camp. Jake waits for them and asks, "No five-mile run today, gentlemen?" WolfHed gets right up in Jake's face and looks menacing. Then he laughs. "You magnificent bastard!" The other Pak members clamor around, yelling, "How did you pull that off!" Jake smiles and looks happy to be finally accepted by a group that wears matching outfits. Time for initiation! Hoo-ah!
Initiation is, of course, a strip bar. With big-titty strippers. Who pour martinis right into Jake's mouth and then shake their boobies on his head. Then comes the real initiation. "Let's make this cub a wolf!" WolfHed brands Jake by carving the wolf head outline all Pak members have on the inside of his forearm. Jake stares at it, wincing a little from the brute force of it all. I have to wonder, wouldn't this heal right in front of everyone's eyes, like his cut did in the first scene of this episode? It doesn't, though. WolfHed pours some Bombay gin over it, then all the Pak members stick their branded arms out, Jake included, and yell, "Hoo-ah!" Jake's in the Pak for reals, now.
Leader of the Pack hashes over the latest with The Man; they've done data analysis on the info Jake and The Man sent her. They think they have a buyer, and a lead on the bomb. And how's Jake? The Man isn't sure. "He's one of them now." Leader says she'll get him back, once she has the bomb.
It's still party time at La Casa de Grande Titties. The Pak toasts to "absent friends." Jake says the name of the person he replaced in the Pak, and WolfHed says they don't mention that name anymore. Story time! Dateline, Afghanistan, now. The Pak went in to get some bio-weapons, but General Jump Street told them not to jeopardize the weapons, and to hustle back and leave one of their men behind. The day, Al-Jazeera showed footage of the stray Pak member being torn limb from limb. The group gets pretty sober, in spite of all the booze they've knocked back. WolfHed proposes a toast to the General. The Pak is all, no way! No! "A toast! To the man that made us dishonor us, and our brother. May he have all the advancement and commendation he deserves. In hell." The group hoo-ahs and drinks. One of the Pak members goes to the bathroom, and The Man comes up behind him and slams him to the wall. He kind of looks like Jeremy Piven. Maybe he was in PCU as well? Anyway, NotJeremy says, "I didn't know she was married, man!" The Man says he's going to take NotJeremy to General Jump Street and tell him where the nuke is. NotJeremy says The Man must "be on the pipe" to think he'll sell out the Pak like that. Okay, then The Man will take NotJeremy to the Pak and tell them he's selling them out! NotJeremy says, "Take me to the general!"
The Man listens as the General cocks his Luger and says he needs a moment alone with NotJeremy. The Man is all, you called the NSA, and I'm not about to leave you with a member of an elite assassination team. The General is all, a team I used to head. "What happens in Fort McClelland, stays in Fort McClelland." Oh, so Fort McClelland is like Math Club? I mean, Fight Club! I mean, Las Vegas's new ad campaign! Forget what I said about the clubs! NotJeremy and the General have a not-friendly conversation, which boils down to the General wanting to shoot NotJeremy on sight for betraying his unit, versus NotJeremy wanting to shoot the General for making them leave a man behind in Afghanistan -- the first time the WolfPak ever left a man behind. The General wants to know where his nuke is. Fine. Jeremy says the nuke is...he head-butts the General, knocking him out cold, then kicks The Man so he's down. He jumps in the air and gets his handcuffed arms in front of him, then reaches down to grab the General's gun, all quick like a cat. When The Man is up on his feet, there's a gun in his face and a request for the keys to the cuffs, please. Then we move outside the room. There's two shots, and the flash of gunfire.
The drunken WolfPak heads back to the base. Hey, they left another man behind, at the bar! That's one sloppy wolf pack. WolfHed is telling stories about Panamanian whorehouses. Has Jake ever been to one? Jake parrots, "I cannot confirm or deny that I have ever been to Panama. Hoo-ah!" Jake, you should not be this relaxed. This is not summer camp. He's laughing and smiling, and then The Man, bound and gagged, is thrown from the side of the road and lands in front of their vehicle. The vehicle screeches to a stop just in time. The WolfPak get out and stare. WolfHed says casually, "Is there a problem, officer?" NotJeremy comes out from behind a tree and explains, "He's not an officer. He's a spook! For the NSA!" And he wants to know where the little nuke went. The Man looks at the WolfPak, crowded around him like kids surrounding an ice cream truck in the summertime, and says, "You're all in on it, aren't you." Duh. But good moving along of the plot; we're only 43 minutes in.
A Pak member kicks The Man in the gut, and Jake says, "What is he talking about?" NotJeremy says they won't find the general's body until dawn. And he's not sorry. WolfHed says, "Change of plans. We move the Hades 13 out of the country tonight. And make sure this scum gives up every piece of information he knows."
Back in the barracks, NotJeremy is beating the snot out of The Man. The Man takes his lumps (as he does quite a bit on this show) and insists he's working alone. Jake watches, mouth open, eyes nervous but not scared. Wow, Jake actually looks hard and flinty. Until, that is, WolfHed aims the gun at him and asks him what he knows. Jake, nostrils flaring, makes an impassioned speech about coming to serve in the WolfPak knowing that WolfHed had left a man behind, but he didn't judge, and now the General is dead and there's an officer of the government beaten at his hand lying at his feet, but he hasn't judged, and now he asks that WolfHed judge Jake on his deeds, SIR. Hoo-ah. WolfHed considers this, then hands over the gun and says, "All right. You kill the man." Hey -- shout-out? Could be. I need a better shout-out than calling The Man "the man." I needs a Nelly Gustave type of shout-out. That's me, holding onto the dream of all recappers. Except maybe Deborah. Jake takes the gun and looks at The Man, who, even with blood dripping from his mouth, has his eyebrow cocked and loaded. Then Jake levels the gun and shoots The Man point-blank in the chest. Dude! That is major! But he's not dead. Still! I am in shock. NotJeremy says, "You gotta finish him off!" Jake snaps, "Shut up and gimme the cuffs. Now! Tape! This man deserves a slow and painful death. You think he merits a soldier's death? You give it to him." The troops hoo-ah and move on out. Jake turns and gives The Man one last look, then focuses in on his cell phone, still strapped to his side.
War Room. On the giant screen, the messages GENERAL MURDERED. THE MAN SHOT flash by in 98-point green type. Leader notices, then says to get a fix on their locations, and get her some body armor. She's going in. She said, she's handling this herself.
The WolfPak moves out. WolfHed says the Pak has been operating under a cloud of shame for too long. Does Jake want to be a part of their redemption? Jake would consider it an honor. They dig up the little nuke. Wolfhed looks at it reverently and asks Jake if he's ever seen one of those go off. Jake says no. WolfHed says, "That's all about to change."
The plan is for the Pak to get the nuke to Afghanistan and get revenge on the guys that tortured their fallen Pak member. What a stupid thing to do. Like, bigger picture, anyone? I guess when you're a brainwashed member of a uniform-wearing pack, the kind that Jake is so terrified of, you lose sight of the bigger picture. I mean, can most marching bands ever see beyond the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? And isn't that sad? NotJeremy steps out in the General's uniform, and they load the mini-nuke into the waiting vehicle. WolfHed explains, "They never search the general's transpo." Hee. "Transpo." I guess if he had said "trans," someone might have thought "transgendered," and in the Army, you don't talk about that. It's like Math Club! Shit. Forget I said that. Jake listlessly goes about loading his gear into the "transpo," then strides around with two guns and tells the other WolfPak members that the nuke is not leaving the base. Wow, Jake didn't learn anything this episode! Well, maybe he did. This is his absolute last attempt to get that weapon back. He did everything right up to this point. But now, NotJeremy is throwing a knife in his hand and pinning him to a tree. Jake, dude! You've been had. You're stuck. To a tree. By a knife. And now WolfHed is asking for your heart to be carved out. Very uncool. Good thing Leader of the Pack shows up in her body armor and black helmet to shoot the rest of the Pak members. Jake pulls the knife out of his hand and asks about The Man. Leader says, "He's alive." Then she pulls General Jump Street's nametag off NotJeremy's chest, and totally has a moment with it. Oh, the HetYay! It's so getting to me.
The sun rises over the Washington Monument. We're home. The Man lies in a hospital bed. A nurse changes his blood bag. Jake sits to him, with his adorable head in his hands. The Man comes to, turns his head, and says, "Hey." Hey? Hey? You were shot in the chest at close range, and you say hey? To the person that shot you? Jake says he's sorry for shooting The Man, and The Man says it's okay. Because it was the right thing to do. And he's proud of Jake. "I know it was tough." Jake...smiles? And agrees. "It was tough. And also way too easy." The Man says, "We all got that inside." Um, okay. Jake smiles mischievously and says Leader told him to smuggle in some beers. And there they are, brown bottles that say "BEER." Jake cracks one open, and The Man takes a sip and makes a satisfied sigh. Okay, this is totally ridiculous. It's a faster recuperation time than on Melrose Place. But it's cool to hear The Man say, "I love that woman." Then Jake says, "We do heal fast," and he hikes up his sleeve. The scar of the wolf head fades right in front of their eyes! Okay, THAT is ridiculous. But it's also kind of cute. The Man looks, then takes another sip of his beer like it's no big thing.