After a weekend's reprieve, this show is back with a bloated two-hour episode. Previously: A bunch of really dumb stuff happened. Holly Montag showed up, and Janice wanted to be her BFF. Holly and Sanjaya fell in love. But not real love or anything. Just reality show love, like Speidi. Some "celebrities" got to talk to loved ones at home. Janice was horrendous and everyone hated her. Daniel was sent packing, somewhat inexplicably (because, yeah, he's annoying, but America likes Janice and Patti more?). Tonight: Janice gets sick, only possibly for real this time. John's not happy in the "jungle." Someone gets to be in the Tunnel of Terror. And someone wins immunity. "Live." Opening credits.
Damien and Myleene welcome us to the jungle, where a real tropical storm is happening. Damien and Myleene have been moved inside for safety and health reasons, but supposedly the campers are still out there, roughing it. Oh, and whoever wins immunity is guaranteed a spot in the final week. Meaning what, exactly? That everyone else is going home between now and week? Maybe this will actually be a little exciting. Dare I hope? Tomorrow we can vote. Our hosts recap. And then we're back in the jungle, at Daniel's elimination (so, more of what we've already seen). Stephen was sad to lose Daniel. He had a lump in his throat. He expressed his sadness by looking mentally challenged. Janice, on the other hand, is thrilled Daniel's gone. Everyone else is sad, but Janice is rude and tells them all how much she loves seeing him go. Torrie thinks that's poor sportsmanship on Janice's part. And it hurt Stephen's feelings. Stephen says he'll kill anyone who goes through Daniel's stuff. Janice says she already went through it, and then calls Stephen "Daniel" a bunch of times. Sanjaya corrects her. She tells Stephen she was kidding, and Sanjaya tells us later that he felt it was completely disrespectful of her to do that. Even Sanjaya's getting sick of Janice? It must be bad.
The food arrives, and Janice lays there and watches everyone else cook. She shouts questions and instructions, until John asks her to please shut it. He calls her the peanut gallery, and she gives the crazy Janice equivalent of, "I'm rubber and you're glue; whatever I say bounces off me and sticks to you." Then she tells us that camp is better without Daniel, and will be even better without John. Torrie says they're so lucky to have so many cooks and Janice chimes in that she can cook. Lou asks her to please go right ahead, but she won't. He explains in confessional that it's all semantics with Janice, and no action. She wants to stand around and say how good she is at stuff, but never wants to do anything. John explains in the confessional that Janice needs to hear herself talk all the time, and it's constantly wearing on his spirit. Stephen comes back from somewhere and can't believe when John tells him that Janice wants to cook. He confessionals that Janice cooking would be worse than the great flood that Noah experienced in the Bible. This is what they can come up with for drama, y'all: Janice wants to cook! OMG! Commercials.
Back with Myleene and Damien, who talk more about the storm. Damien says it's the beauty of live television, and Myleene says the floor has been shaking. Then they tell us what's to come. They hear thunder, which we can't hear, but Damien makes a big deal about it. Back in camp, John's not sleeping well. He says he's feeling anxiety, because he misses his friend, Daniel. Torrie says things are definitely quieter without Daniel. Stephen says it's a different energy with Daniel gone. Lou wakes up and greets Janice, who's doing dishes by the river. Patti says Janice is in a good mood, maybe because Daniel's gone, since they were always butting heads. Janice leans in and hugs John and asks him what's wrong, since she saw he was up all night. They agree to be friends. He seems totally sincere about it, but she snarks about it in her confessional. Everyone's glad they made up. Lou says the camp's a microcosm of society. Good god, I hope that's not true. If my life resembled this, I would kill myself.
John's asleep later, when Lou asks Holly if she gets recognized. She says she does, but she's nowhere on the level of "you guys" (she's talking to Lou and Stephen, it appears), so she doesn't know what it's like to be a "star." Lou says he was fortunate to have wise people around him early in his career, right when he made La Bamba. He talks about how he sat down to Helen Mirren after being mobbed, and she told him not to get used to that or he'd think it's normal. In other words, thank you, Helen Mirren for helping make Lou Diamond Phillips grounded so we can have at least one sane person on this show. (Also: Did anyone else not expect Helen Mirren's name to come up on this show? If I were her, I would sue.) Stephen talks about how weird fame is, because he still feels like the kid from Massapequa -- and he says that's how Danny, Alec and Billy feel, too -- unless he wants a table at a good restaurant. Then he's all, "Don't you know who my big brother is?" In the confessional, he shrugs dramatically and says "You know what? Sometimes... being a celebrity... it doesn't suck."
Janice talks about how she sometimes doesn't want to be recognized, like when TMZ sorts through her trash. She says her children hate it, but the fame pays for their education and for her bills. But the lack of privacy is daunting. Patti finds this all interesting, because they're all trying to get into the public eye and then they have to deal with the paparazzi. She says it's totally different in politics, because you are running for office and putting up commercials and you develop enemies who are out to hurt you, which is totally different than celebrities. Stephen confessionals that the dynamic is totally different for Patti, because she's really just a wife and mom. Patti says the public eye is much nastier when you're in politics. On behalf of Britney Spears and Jon and Kate Gosselin, I have to beg to differ.
Time for another scroll. Lou reads that it's time for each team to select two members to battle in the luxury competition. The two team members who win will get a relaxing massage. The guys quickly decide on Lou and John. Patti and Torrie want to do it. Everyone really wants to win, because, hello?! It's a massage. They get to a scroll in a jungle clearing that tells them the competition is called "Walk the Plank." One team member will be the plank walker, and the other will be the cranker. The cranker will crank a wench to shorten the opposing team's plank. The shorter the plank is, the harder it will be to stay on the plank. Whoever stays on it longest wins. They see their massage therapist. John and Patti are plank walkers, while the muscle-bound competitors, Lou and Torrie, are the crankers. John talks smack at Torrie the whole time, driving everyone crazy, even his own teammate Lou. John explains he sometimes doesn't even know what he's saying when he's in a competition. But apparently it backfired, because Torrie totally gets John off the plank first. She was happy to shut his mouth. Patti and Torrie love their massages. Lou and John arrive back in camp. They say they lost because of "freakin' Torrie." Janice, John and Lou agree she's "a beast" and she's "fantastic." Lou says no one should take Torrie lightly in any competition. Lou has total respect for Torrie, because her muscles aren't just cosmetic. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back in their "makeshift studio," according to Myleene. They talk about the thunder and lightning some more. They really should be meteorologists. They take us back to the jungle, where all eight campers are crammed into the confessional, where they've been sent for health and safety reasons. Also, you can donate to the charities. Back in camp, Janice is telling Lou how pretty his wife is and how lucky he is. He agrees. Lou explains that Janice was very sad after the calls to home, because she didn't get to call home. Lou asks her about her daughter, and she talks about how she had a son with her husband, and then her husband left, so she started doing drugs. Then she had sex with Stallone and another guy she was dating. She got pregnant, and the DNA test said it wasn't Stallone's, so she never told the other guy that he had a child. Lou confessionals that Janice has overcome a lot and that vulnerable side of her is a side she protects, and he feels honored that she trusted him to talk about that. Janice says she wanted Lou to know that she, too, loves her family and misses them. She tells him how hard she's worked to be there for her daughter. She cries in the confessional about how much she misses her teenage children.
Rain pours later, and Stephen says the sudden downpours can really affect your mood. Lou says that the tropical storms cause a lull, "doldrums, if you will." Everyone lays around looking bored. Then Lou reads a scroll telling them that, one at a time, they have to go to the confessional to find a card telling them what they have to find in a scavenger hunt. Then they bring that item back to the confessional. If all eight find their items in five minutes, they'll win a treat that the whole camp will enjoy. John says the activity lifted their spirits, because they were "kind of melancholy." Yeah, kind of. They were practically in comas, which is beyond "kind of melancholy." Lou has to find a candle, but he didn't know where they were because they get moved more often than anything else. Lou finds it, and they all yell at Stephen to go . Stephen has to find a mirror. He does. Then Patti has to find a jump rope. up is Holly, who has to find a brillo pad. Then Sanjaya has to find tweezers. He doesn't even know if they have those, but Janice had them. Sanjaya says they often found stuff in her bag, which wasn't a surprise.
Torrie has to find dumbbells. She resists dragging Janice and Stephen back to the confessional with her. Janice has to find nail clippers. She screams at the top of her lungs, "Nail clippers!" Lou says he's sure Janice is slinky on the runway, but she looked more like Forrest Gump during the scavenger hunt. Ha. We get a slo-mo shot of her running, as everyone sort of snickers at how fast she's moving. Because they haven't seen her try at anything before. John has to find toilet tissue, which he does easily. They finish with about fifty seconds to spare. They get their prize, which is a bag of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate. Porn music plays as everyone eats their S'mores. Because they're that good.
Myleene and Damien are back, in their pointless roles as hosts of a show that doesn't need a host. There's a storm. Did you know it rains in the rain forest?! Other stuff will happen later. And now we're back in camp. Everyone looks bored out of their minds. John says he wants to go home. Janice doesn't believe it. Torrie says he's not a quitter, but he says he's done all he needs to do. John says his problem is that the public has the decision, and he doesn't like everyone else making decisions with his life. He can't sleep because he doesn't like having other people in charge of his destiny. Stephen says that John's asking himself if he wants the show to control his destiny or if he wants to control his own destiny. John talks to Patti about how he can't win, since he's not the white girl with the pretty face and blonde hair. Oh, come on, John. You do have a pretty face. Lou wants John to stay, because he's a great competitor. Patti seems to be the only one who's okay with John leaving. He says he wants sleep, a bed, a room, to go home.
Janice says she has to pee 20 times a night, so Torrie suggests she not drink so much right before bed. Then Janice comments on Sanjaya chopping potatoes. He says he's making chips. Sanjaya's cooking because John was having a hard time. Everyone's questioning him on his cooking, and Janice is giving him crap on cooking too slow because she's starving. Sanjaya says he's not in the mood to hear everyone complain about the way he cooks. He threatens to throw a hot chip in her mouth. He tells her he loves her to death, but could she shut up and leave him alone. Lou says he was proud of Sanjaya tonight. Sanjaya says he can stick up for himself, but he saves it for moments when it's actually needed. Holly eats the chips and talks about how good they are. Janice tells him she stands corrected, because he's the lord of the fry. Commercials.
Back with more Damien and Myleene. Is it wrong that I am to the point where I hate them more than I hate any of the celebrities? They make basketball "jokes" about John wanting to leave. But in case we don't get it, Damien's all, "This is sports humor." Stephen talks about how John might quit because he thinks he won't go all the way. Lou peps everyone up about how this is a marathon, so they can't let doubt and frustration get to them. Lou doesn't want John to leave. Torrie tells John that millions of people are watching to see him. Holly can't imagine what would make someone who's such a champion and a trooper want to leave. Patti says she doesn't want someone that competitive to leave, because it amps everyone's game up. They all tell him how much they don't want him to go. John explains in the confessional that having everyone tell him how much they want him there made him decide to man up and have his same attitude about winning, even if the refs are paid off, he's playing on someone else's home court, or his star player's hurt. Notice how he didn't end that with, "Those are sports metaphors"? Take note, Damien. Everyone's happy he's staying, but I'm annoyed they made more drama out of nothing. I guess there's no choice in the jungle when nothing's happening.
We see Janice staggering toward the outhouse as Stephen and John explains that she's "a little backed-up." Stephen says Janice is very open about "uh, the clog, so to speak." We get to see her talking about how she can't poo, only she just randomly says she can't shit or crap. Patti can't believe Janice talks like this. She shows us her belly in confessional and says she looks three and a half months pregnant. She wishes she were, but not from rice. We get to see her try papayas, then prunes. She pushes on her belly. She'd like some espresso. Sanjaya rubs her belly as she moans. John talks about her spastic colon. Stephen is surprised she doesn't have "some yoga pose that just makes it come flying right out." Really? This is what they are all talking about and now what I am writing about? JANICE DICKINSON'S POOP (or lack thereof)?! I am just awaiting that victorious moment when she can finally poo. No, I'm actually not, but I am sensing that's how they're going to end this segment. Raise your hand if you do not need a victorious Janice poo moment. That's what I thought. Anyway, she tries lots of exercises. But nothing's working. Monkeys are watching. And I'm not talking about the American viewers. Or am I?! Commercials.
More Damien and Myleene, blah, blah, blah. In the river, Patti's soaking when John joins her. She talks about how she can't talk because America is watching. Flashback to her talking to Rod on the phone. She thought he looked tired and worn out, which is stressing her out. She felt like the weight of what's going on with him is back on her. She tells John that her decision to come here was difficult, because she doesn't want to aggravate the U.S. Attorney and be indicted herself. John explains that Patti could be indicted along with Rod and go to jail for seven to ten years. Patti once again tells us how much everything is a lie. John tells her that no matter how dark it gets, she has to keep her eye on the light. He says he tries to give people some serenity, like a friend does. He says he was a friend to Patti, who needs him and he needs her. Awww, John is a total softie.
Jungle music takes us to camp, where Myleene and Damien show up to tell the campers that the public wants Torrie in the Tunnel of Terror for the girls. For the guys, they'd like Sanjaya. He's not at all surprised. Damien and Myleene leave. Sanjaya thinks the public is voting for him, because they want to see his breaking point. Lou says it's the people with the highest win ratio so far. Later, Torrie and Sanjaya find our illustrious hosts in the jungle clearing. Damien explains the Tunnel of Terror. They'll take turns inside. There are 20 stars in there. They'll have three minutes, and whoever finds the most stars wins. But they won't be alone in the tunnel. They can stop anytime by calling "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here." But neither of them plan on doing that, of course.
Sanjaya's up first. He dives right in, and feels around in some snake compartments and finds two stars. He then finds one in with an iguana. And in with some tarantulas. One comes out and stays on him, which he finds a little later and freaks a tiny bit. He is looking for a star in with some crayfish. He finds it eventually. In a pool with some crocodiles, he finds another one, then heads into a gross looking part of the tunnel, where he finds some more. Damien and Myleene try to narrate, but they are no Jeff Probst. Sanjaya comes out of the tunnel with 30 seconds left on the clock, which confuses me. Couldn't he have stayed longer and found more stars? Anyway, he comes out, all filthy, and Myleene counts his stars: He found nineteen of the twenty stars. That's pretty impressive.
Torrie's turn. They try to send us to commercials right after she starts, then a bunch of recapping, but I'll skip it all. She heads into the Tunnel and gets the first two stars from the snakes. She gets the tarantula star and heads to the crocodile pool. She's clearly much more scared than Sanjaya was, but she finds a star. She heads into the gross, weird tunnel of mud and sticks and grabs a bunch more stars. She's running out of time, but gets out with ten seconds left. Myleene counts her stars: She got eighteen stars. They bring Sanjaya back and tell him he won. He says he's the man, and then hugs Torrie. She's mad she didn't stay in the tank longer. They head back to camp to share the good news with the guys. Sanjaya wants to hug Lou, but he's covered in mud, so Lou's not having it. Sanjaya says he won, and Lou goes ahead and hugs him. Torrie's so upset to have lost by one star. She thinks the worst part about losing is losing to Sanjaya. Why is that, exactly? Commercials.
Myleene and Damien talk, and I don't listen. Back in camp, it's raining. There are spiders. Everyone wonders where Janice is. She's in her cocoon, which is her bed. She hasn't moved in hours. She's not feeling well. Patti says she looked frail. She gets up and heads off. Torrie says Janice looks sick. Janice heads into the jungle and throws up. Stephen can't believe she's still here. Lou says she really wants to stay in the game. John says no one thinks Janice is crying wolf anymore. Everyone expresses concern, and she thanks them and says she loves them. Later, at night, she feels even worse and can't walk without Lou's help. They don't think she's well enough to be here. Janice thinks this is embarrassing. They help her to an ambulance, because it's obvious she needs medical treatment. They take her to the facility to observe her overnight. The doctor tells her she has a viral infection, which is why she can't eat anything. Back at camp, everyone is worried about her. John's saying a prayer for her to get better.
Nighttime. There are bugs. In the jungle. Everyone's asleep. There's a snake in camp. Ominous music plays, as "on-site security" comes in after the snake. Okay, which would be scarier to wake up to? The snake or the military guys? I think both would be scary. Patti and John both were awoken by it. Patti's scared and goes to talk to John about it. It's basically, "Did you see that? Snake. It scared me."
morning, there are still creatures in the camp. Patti asks Stephen if he woke up when the guys came in to get the snake. Patti says she couldn't get back to sleep. Stephen tells everyone else that what's tripping him out is that he thought this would be a movie set that the producers would fix up for them. But, no, this was the actual jungle before they were here. I'm still not buying it. Holly thinks the snake is scary. And the not knowing is even scarier.
day, everyone wonders about Janice: Is she coming back? Is she doing better? As they're talking about her, she comes in yelling, "Family!" They all cheer and tell her how much better she looks. She tells them she was in the doctor's office, and now she feels like Dorothy. She calls Holly "Toto." John and Lou are so happy she's back. Torrie hugs her. Janice says she woke up in awe, grateful for another day. Lou says, "That's the thing. Seven days with no pooping makes one weak." So the pooping was sort of a setup for this, I guess. Okay, I accept, show. That was sort of necessary to make Lou's joke funny, and I'm all about anything that makes Lou look good. They all say Janice is back to her old self, and to prove it, we get to see her being loud and obnoxious. Commercials.
More Damien and Myleene, who will head to the jungle clearing soon, IF the weather clears. Oh, please let it clear. How else will they fill the air time? Back in camp, Lou leads. Torrie confessionals that Lou's been an excellent leader. She adds, "He's like King... Leader." Cute montage of Lou being a good leader. Torrie says Lou's the only one who hasn't lost it, and we get clips of a bunch of people losing it. John says he's been a great mediator, and we get to see him mediate with Janice. Everyone says good things about Lou in their confessionals. Lou says being the leader has advantages, but also some headaches.
A new scroll says that Lou cannot be leader again, and everyone groans. It's time for the leadership competition. Janice says she doesn't want to lead, so she won't be in this competition. In confessional, Janice says Lou's been an excellent leader. Then she gets all dramatic and says, "Iiii. Am not. Leadership quality." It's not what she says, but the way she says it. It's hysterical, and now I sort of like her for being funny. Lou thanks everyone for making his role as leader so great. Torrie cries. Lou feels he's handing over a society no longer at war, so the leader can rule in peace. Everyone thinks it's dumb that Lou can't lead again, and they're all anxious about who it will be. They head to the leadership competition. Janice wonders why she's going since she doesn't want to win, but she goes anyway.
In the jungle clearing, there are some Big Brother-style booths for a game Damien says is called "Jungle Quiz." They're going to ask the campers a series of questions based on America's votes at NBC.com. The correct answer will be the person who America thinks best fits that role. If they get a question correct, they can put a strike to a campmate's name. Three strikes, and you're out. Whoever is left with no strikes is the new leader. First question: Which camp mate does America think does the most work around the camp? The answer is John. Only Patti and Sanjaya get it right. In the confessional, John says, "America felt I did the most work. Thank you for noticing." He's sort of like Eeyore, and I love it. Both Sanjaya and Patti give Sanjaya a strike.
question: Who does America think is the laziest? Everyone says Janice, which is correct. Janice thanks America for loving her; she loves us too. In the confessional, Janice says it's part of her charm. No one gets to add strikes, apparently, because everyone had it. Which campmate does America think is the most famous? We go to commercials, which I will ignore, because that is just dumb fake suspense. I will also ignore the Myleene-Damien recap and then the replay of what we just saw. Because I trust you all to remember what happened two minutes ago. America thinks John is the most famous. Only Holly and Stephen got the answer right. John gives us a thumbs-up for thinking he's not only hard-working, but also famous. Holly gives Janice her last strike, and Stephen gives one to Sanjaya.
: Which camp mate does America think has the worst bed hair? The answer is, of course, Sanjaya. Four of them got it. Torrie gives Stephen a strike. So does Sanjaya. Holly gives herself one. Stephen gives Sanjaya one. : Who does America think is smartest? The answer is John. Myleene asks if he's surprised by that, and he smiles and says, "I'm happy about it," refraining from saying, "I would have to jump off a cliff if America didn't think I was the smartest in this group of crazy idiots." Torrie adds a strike to Sanjaya, who won't be camp leader. question: Who's the best team player? The correct answer is John again. John, Holly, and Stephen got it right. John eliminates Stephen by giving him a strike. Holly gives hers to Torrie.
question: Which camp mate does America think has been sleeping the most? Sanjaya's horrified that three people chose him, but that was the right answer. Patti eliminates Holly from the competition before she gets to use her strike apparently. Does that seem fair? Torrie gives her star to herself, so she's one away from elimination. Neither Patti or John has a star yet. question: Which camp mate does America think eats the most? Janice is the correct answer. Torrie and John got it right. Torrie eliminates herself, because she doesn't want responsibility. John gives Patti her first star. : Which camp mate does America think has the best strategy? Correct answer is John, and he gets it right, so he gives Patti another strike. question: Which camp mate does America think is the least vain? Patti says "Stephen" and John says "Patti." The answer's Patti. John gives Patti her last strike, and is the new camp leader. He tells us he likes being the leader, and isn't a good follower. They all head back to camp.
John feels good, because he likes winning. He says he was already a leader, and learned from Lou how to be more diplomatic. Janice asks for work. He says he once said he'd have Janice do everything if he was leader, but now all he wants from her is an hour of quiet time a day. He says if he can get Janice to be quiet, "I'm a really good leader. And... a magician." I love him. He better win immunity this week, because I don't want him going home yet. That, or America could vote for him to stay since they voted for him in every other category ever. John reads his first scroll. He smiles broadly because it's pictures of his family. John gets teary-eyed in the confessional and says the pictures are one of the best gifts he's ever gotten, and he can't wait to get home. "But not without a trophy."
At nighttime, Stephen tells everyone how much he thought this was going to suck, and how he thought everyone would be whacked. But he was totally wrong. Um, no, Stephen, you were totally right. Or are we watching a different show?! Torrie says one of her favorite things is when they all sit around camp and say nice things about each other. This night, they're talking about their closest friend in camp. Stephen talks about Lou, because he thinks they've had similar experiences. Lou talks nice about Stephen, too. They've apparently known each other for 20 years. John says Patti, who kept him from jumping off a cliff or walking across that bridge. He says she's his "BFF in camp." Patti reciprocates, saying John's super-considerate, super-smart and so funny. They are totally BFFs. Who would have expected that? Torrie says Janice reminds her of her best friend at home, but she's known Stephen since before this and she chose him as her guardian angel before the show started.
Holly says she appreciates everyone, but she's the same age-ish as Sanjaya. Everyone calls her a "cougar!" She hopes they've made a lifelong friendship. Sanjaya reciprocates, saying it was fun before she was here, but it's more fun now. Everyone acts like middle-schoolers, all, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Janice says, "Sanjolly is in full tilt," and then pretends to be cupid and shoot an arrow at them. Okay, I love Sanjolly. The name and the couple. Janice's turn. She says she loves them all, but is going to go try to take a shit. Apparently, Janice chooses poo as her best friend. Myleene tells us Damien's braving the weather to head to the jungle clearing. Back in the jungle, John reads them a scroll that says a new immunity trial is coming up. This is the one to win, because it will keep them in the game for the last week, which is apparently week. Everyone wants to win and will do anything to get this. Myleene sends us back to commercials.
And then she welcomes us back to her giant TV. She says the storm has finally passed, and Damien's back in the jungle clearing. The celebrities, who were evacuated to the confessional, are headed back this way now. But we won't get to see any of it until tomorrow night. Back to Myleene, who tells us she'll be here all week. But she's not funny or entertaining. I hate this show. You watch for two hours and don't even get a second of the live immunity competition? Totally not worth it. But I'll be back tomorrow for more pain and misery.
Discuss this episode in our forums, and watch episodes here. Then see how this show is a lot like Gilligan's Island!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.