Previously: Lou won immunity. Holly Montag arrived, and Janice loved her. The girls won two trials in a row, finally. Janice was crazy and everyone hated her. The "celebrities" get to talk to their families at home. And we, America, have voted the person out of the "jungle." Oh, and it's "live." Opening credits, which now include Holly. Myleene and Damien invite us to "Day 11" of "the ordeal of a lifetime." The phone lines are closed, so the celebrity with the fewest votes will be sent packing. Then they remind us once again about what they're calling "granola-gate." It apparently turned the Baldwins into detectives.
Morning in the jungle. Stephen looks thoughtful. Daniel swims. Holly primps in a mirror. Lou hopes today will be a much better day than yesterday, which he says was "trying." Flashbacks to Janice stealing the granola bar and leaving the wrapper outside of the confessional. Stephen explains that Patti found the wrapper this morning. We see Patti tell Stephen, and then tell John. Shot of Janice primping. Stephen interviews that the process of elimination might lead one to assume that the camper who has already exhibited behavior of "a klepto, and a sociopath, and a pathological liar" might be the person who stole the granola bar. In camp, Stephen asks Janice if she's ever tried to rob an insurance company. She says she's not a thief, so he asks if she's a pathological liar. Daniel asks her about the granola bar, and she keeps asking them to lighten up and leave her alone. She calls Daniel a bully, and he says he's not even talking to her because she's dead to him. Then he proceeds to talk to her by asking where the granola bar is. Stephen laughs. Janice tells him not to laugh, and says he's punch-drunk. Then she flips him off. Lou says the Baldwin boys are bad together, and he might have to separate them. He tells the Baldwins to leave it alone, and Daniel agrees to, then asks, "Where's the granola bar?" Myleene and Damien mock granola bars and the "celebrities," then send us back to close-up shots of bugs.
Janice screams about how the bugs are driving her crazy. She got bit by a bullet ant yesterday. She shows us her ass, and says, "Right there! In my supermodel butt!" Holly says everyone's covered in bites. We see Sanjaya's bite-covered back. Torrie explains that they have been given "incense-covered stickers" to help keep the bugs away because it's just getting worse and worse. Stephen says those don't really help because a bug will bite your ass if it finds a spot where it doesn't mind the smell. Sanjaya can't describe how itchy he is. Stephen counts bites on his arm, and gets up to 22 on that arm. Sanjaya explains which parts of his body they like. Lou says the bugs in the jungle are impervious to their defenses. Stephen loves covering himself in citronella spray, and he and Sanjaya sing an awesome ode to citronella. It's basically the "Hallelujah," from Handel's Messiah, but with "Citronella! Citronella!" instead. Commercials.
Back in the jungle, Myleene and Damien say it's super-hot, but the best weather they've had so far. They remind us that the celebrities are in the jungle, and it's all for charity. They give us that charity number, then tell us what will happen later. Blah, blah, blah. Back in the jungle, the celebrities get a scroll telling them to select one person from each team to represent them in today's food trial. Pick someone who enjoys shopping. Holly says she loves to shop; it's like her second job. Sanjaya says he had a dream about the supermarket last night. Janice wants Patti to do it. Everyone agrees on Sanjaya and Holly. John tells Sanjaya they need this one. "No pressure, though." Sanjaya tells us he thinks his supermarket dream was for a reason and that he's going to annihilate. They head into the jungle.
Myleene and Damien are waiting for Sanjaya and Holly in yet another jungle clearing. The food trial is winner-takes-all, and the winner gets Mexican food: refried beans, salsa, avocadoes. Holly and Sanjaya both think it looks awesome. The trial is called "Shop Till You Drop." Basically, there is a "jungle shopping cart" suspended 70 feet above the lake. The contestants will take turns pushing the cart along the wire and collect the ten groceries hanging there. The person who collects the most will win. But if they fall off the cable, that's game over. Holly says she knows how to shop, and she's hungry. Sanjaya goes first, and he looks like he has pretty good balance as he quickly pushes his cart out and collects a banana, a loaf of bread, cheese, and more. He tells us he was nervous because the cart was heavy and he didn't want to drop the groceries. He gets nine groceries, but doesn't get the last item: beer. Which is okay, because he says he's not allowed to drink the beer. What a baby. He feels good about how he did, though, and says he thinks he did well because he did gymnastics for a couple weeks.
Now it's Holly's turn. She starts out looking a little less stable than Sanjaya. She actually kicks the grocery items to get them to swing toward her, because they're too far away and she's not as tall as Sanjaya, apparently. She seems to be going much slower, but they're not showing us her time. Then the time strikes down as she has five items in her cart. We have a winner. Good thing Sanjaya had that supermarket dream. Sanjaya does a little winner's dance at the thought of the awesome Mexican food tonight. The men back at camp are so happy. Torrie's so annoyed she'll have to stare at everyone eating guacamole and chips. Holly wishes everyone weren't so disappointed in her, but "what can you do?" How is she so much cooler than her sister? It doesn't make any sense to me that they are genetically linked or even know each other. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien tell us that soon we'll know who's leaving, then they send us back to the jungle, where everyone's talking about their "big break," which Lou has to explain to Janice is the moment they got started in their careers. Torrie: She moved from Idaho to Los Angeles to be an actress. Her boyfriend was a huge wrestling fan, and they got invited to a show. A wrestler approached her and asked if she'd be interested in being in this three-month story line. She was all, "Heck yeah!" Janice says she can't beat that one, but they say it's about sharing. Janice says she got married when she was 18 to a piano player. She rambles and rambles and rambles. Everyone looks bored and the show edits it down to her eating blueberries, modeling, and French Vogue. She says, "To make a long story short," and Daniel laughs. She glares for a minute, but doesn't stop. She bought air conditioning for her parents. Daniel whispers, "Is it time for Janice's meds?" Also, he's smoking. I think that should not be allowed in camp. That has to be as bad as peeing. Her story ends. People clap, because it's over.
Holly is hoping she hasn't had her big break yet, but her stepbrother, who was serving in Iraq for five years, was supposed to come back and they were going to live together, but he ended up "passing away." (Not in the war, though; he died by falling off a roof in Colorado.) She says her sister, who is her "angel," saw how hard of a time she was having and brought her to L.A. and put her back on track for her dreams. Janice hugs and kisses Holly and tells Holly how proud her brother is of her. Lou hopes these stories will speak to young people watching this show. I, on the other hand, hope there are no young people watching this show.
Patti won't share because she says it doesn't apply to her. Lou wonders if there's maybe a watershed moment in her career, and she says it's too long a story. Then she gets teary. God, I hate listening to her whine about her husband being a freaking (alleged) criminal. She says that she didn't have a big break but a huge catastrophe. I find it insulting to people who have had actual catastrophic events in their life that she would describe her husband (allegedly) BEING RECORDED ON TAPE trying to sell a Senate seat for $2 million as a "catastrophe." Gah! People. Anyway, she says she wasn't thinking about it too much until this conversation happened. Poor Patti. No one should be allowed to talk about their lives, because it crushes her, and she is too fragile. Lou heads out to comfort her. He explains why it was hard for her, and she explains it again: They worked so hard and their life has been totally destroyed. Lou is nice and sympathetic. Patti says it's her cross to bear. She goes into the confessional.
When she comes out, Janice asks to talk to her, and Patti snottily tells her she just got herself composed and doesn't want to talk about it. Janice says she doesn't even know what she was going to say. It's really dumb, because they basically go back and forth about nothing. Patti says if Janice is nice, she'll cry and if she's not nice, she'll cry. And she wants to stop crying. So Janice hugs her instead. Commercials, after which we are told "the elimination begins." Is that a weird way to phrase that. Isn't it sort of a thing that happens quickly?
Myleene and Damien are outside of camp and about to go in and reveal five safe celebrities. I guess that's what they mean by the elimination beginning. Dumb. They go on to say that all the celebrities have been bitten by various bugs, and now it seems two of them have been bitten by the love bug. God, they are annoying. Does this show actually need hosts? I think it actually doesn't. Anyway, Holly is on a floaty in the river when Sanjaya jumps in the water and splashes her. Janice goes back to camp and says love is in bloom. Everyone says they like each other. They heard Holly formally announce that to Sanjaya. Janice tells Holly she can't wait for them to make out, and Holly says she's had a crush for a long time. Janice says he has a heart of gold. Daniel would like the infrared cameras on Holly and Sanjaya constantly for the few nights. Sanjaya cutely offers to braid her hair. Awww. In the confessional, Holly says he's nice, genuine and talented. Slow music plays as he braids her hair, feeds her with a spoon, and they play in the river together. He says she's a really cool person. Then she writes on his hand. Holly doesn't know what she'd do without him. Janice sees love brewing. She gives him a massage.
Back with Myleene and Damien, who again tell us they'll head in to camp shortly, but first we get to see the phone calls home. We flashback to Lou finding out he'll talk to a loved one and then choosing Daniel and Patti to do the same. Lou confessionals that he feels like he deserves this after a rough couple days, but he says there are a lot of family-oriented people here, so it sucked not to let everyone do it. Patti calls Rod first, and she gets to talk to the girls. Her daughter asks if she liked eating the tarantula. Hee. Cute. Patti asks if Daddy's doing a good job, and the girls say he is. They ask their mommy if she's made new friends, and she says she did. Then they show her a picture they made for her. Patti's happy because she feels less guilty seeing that everyone is doing okay without her.
Daniel calls his wife, who shows him her baby bump. She is tiny, so it's sort of unbelievable that she's eight months pregnant. Then she shows him their baby. Daniel's happy and now more motivated to win. Lou calls his wife, Yvonne, and sees their little baby. He asks what he's missed, and she tells him their daughter's walked down the hall every day and talked to his picture. So cute. He is totally emotional and tells his wife how much he loves her and how strong this will make him. She tells him to go kick some jungle bum. Damien and Myleene, outside of camp, tells us how "incredibly emotional" that was. I think that might be overstating it a bit. They head in to camp.
Myleene gets compliments from the "celebrities" on her colorful dress, because they're stuck in stupid pink and blue. They remind everyone that Lou has immunity, but someone else will leave the jungle tonight. But they can now reveal that Sanjaya, Torrie, Holly, Stephen and Janice are safe. Patti, John or Daniel might be going home. Janice: "Are you kidding me?!" My thoughts exactly. If I cared. [I kinda think she's been trying to get sent home this whole time, and is pissed it's not working. - Zach] The celebrities all scream hello to their loved ones, like crazy people. Myleene and Damien leave camp and remind us what just happened in case we can't remember things for longer than ten seconds. That is such a problem for me, so I would like to thank them for doing that. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien are back to tell us once again that a celebrity will leave tonight, and that this is for charity. And we can donate online. Then they send us back to camp for the final dinner before an elimination. The food basket is dropped in, and Sanjaya is so happy for Mexican food. They are all so happy and start pigging out. Sanjaya is gleeful just talking about it later, but he says the girls were definitely jealous. Janice is so mad. She thinks it's unfair. Maybe she should steal some and eat it in the jungle. Daniel coins the term, "The thrill of victory, the agony of 'no eat.' " Torrie tells Lou that her favorite moment is when he tells a bad joke and she chuckles to herself, but not out loud. Her favorite with Patti was that she trusted her enough to talk to her about feeling betrayed by her friends. John's favorite moment with Holly was when she walked in, and they were 50 percent pissed. Then she said her last name was Montag, and they were 75 percent pissed. Then she asked if she could help, and he liked her. He's wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a cigar.
When Daniel tacked up a photo of his family, Lou was touched and realized how much he liked him. He thinks a lot of people could learn a lot from Daniel. Holly can't believe how much she's bonded with these people in such a short time, and doesn't want anyone to leave. Sanjaya's favorite thing about Lou is that he's Sanjaya's representation of the perfect father figure. Sanjaya says that his father's always been strong in his life but has never been a real father figure, because he never had that himself, and now Sanjaya has that, thanks to Lou. He starts crying, and Lou tells him he loves him deeply. Lou gets teary-eyed too. Sanjaya is so sweet. I would normally make fun of someone who cries like this on TV, but he seems like such a pure, sweet soul. I just cannot make fun. Lou jokes that he's going to teach Sanjaya to throw a ball, and everyone laughs. Holly says it's going to be sad for someone to leave, and she prays they all stay close. Daniel jokes to Sanjaya that if he comes on another season with Lou, and Sanjaya's picture's in with the kids, Daniel is quitting. Commercials.
Back with Myleene and Damien, outside of camp. Our votes are in and John, Daniel or Patti will be leaving. I am trying really hard not to care about the results of this stupid show, but please let it be freaking Patti. It better not be John, who is so freaking awesome I don't understand why America wouldn't want to keep him there to the end. When the hosts get back into camp, Janice makes a gross squawking sound, natch. Damien quickly reminds them one of them must go. Either Patti, John or Daniel. Damien tells Patti she's safe. That is total bullshit, America. What were you thinking voting to keep her there? Myleene says the public has decided to send Daniel home (only she said it with a much longer, more dramatic pause). Daniel says his goodbyes as Janice screams about saying no to "Prop 8." Wait, isn't this live? I am so confused. Janice asks Perez if he can hear her. Is Perez campaigning for Janice or something? I get that she's courting the gay vote, but I think the gays usually have better taste than that. Can someone please start a "Why All People (Gay or Straight) Should Dislike Janice" website for me, please? Thank you. She screams as everyone says goodbye to Daniel. Hugs all around. Stephen just sits there, presumably because he knows he'll see him again. And also because his little heart is broken.
week, there will be some sort of gross tunnel where celebrities will deal with creatures and goo. It's called the "Tunnel of Terror." Now we can vote for who gets to be in the food trial. It costs $1 per text. I don't know why anyone would ever vote, because I wouldn't even do it for free. That's ridiculous. We close out as Daniel crosses the bridge out of the jungle. I think he tells Stephen to win it. Then we get flashbacks of him in the jungle, mostly laughing. But also eating gross stuff and being shocked. And hating Janice, of course. See you week.
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.