Promo guy reminds us what show we're watching: Eleven celebrities are here. Or, you know, nine. And then ten. And possibly 12. Because of Speidi quitting and Daniel Baldwin coming and then Speidi wanting to come back. Tonight: Will they? Or won't they? And also: Someone will be eliminated "live." So, if this show is three weeks long, and they eliminate one person each week, how does that work exactly? Let's hope they speed up the eliminations soon. Credits. And then previouslies. But I already weecapped all the nonsense, so just go read the weecaps if you're curious what happened previously. Basically: Men win again and again. Janice was insane. The guys and Patti are immune from elimination. John and Janice fought. Daniel Baldwin showed up (and I think this was planned from the beginning, and he wasn't a replacement for Speidi). Speidi want back in, and we left the show "live" last night as the "celebrities" decided if Speidi could come back or not.
And now our hosts welcome us to the show. Tonight's the live elimination, and Torrie, Janice, Frances, or Angela will be going home. Oh, and the phone lines are closed, so I can't vote. And, also, apparently we can't vote Heidi out if she stays. Which is lame and really does make this all feel rigged, doesn't it? Convenient they leave just in time to avoid the vote and elimination, and want back just in time to be safe. Speaking of Speidi, Myleene and Damien recap what happened last night, with Speidi saying they want to come back, and are here for good this time. Damien asked the other campers if Speidi can come back, but we didn't get the answer last night. Now Janice argues to keep Spencer. She says they're spoiled brats, but she loves them. And she feels she's the one person win the universe who could reform Spencer. If Janice Dickinson is your reformer, that's a pretty sad statement. Sanjaya thinks they're not horrible, but have made horrible decisions. Angela says she just said "no," but realized that's not how democracy works. Frances doesn't like them, either. John points out that the girls' team could use Heidi, who was good at the food challenges. Angela says she'll leave if they come back, because it's not fair. Janice says she won't let Angela leave, and will tie her to a tree if she has to. Then Janice tells us Angela's a lot of hot air. As opposed to Janice, of course, who never talks unnecessarily.
Daniel Baldwin points out that if he'd been shot down by his peers every time he screwed up, he wouldn't be here right now. [Gee, maybe his friends should have shot him down. Then maybe he'd be on the set of a hit NBC sitcom instead of in the Costa Rican jungle with Frangela. - Zach] And he thinks they should make clear rules for Speidi to follow. Lou says Spencer made it clear that he wants to be the villain. Then, in the confessional, he says that he doesn't want to send the message that you can quit over and over and keep getting more chances, because that's not how life works. He thinks Speidi hasn't been forced to deal with life's consequences or something. Janice asks about giving people other chances. Frances doesn't think they should get to take up space for others, who really wanted to be here. Also, they've spent two days away, so they're not really in it. John likes Speidi, and he thinks Spencer's brilliant. He reminds John of P. Diddy. And now I hate John, I think. Janice really wants them back. Damien and Myleene say the camp's split down the middle, and so are the hosts. Commercials.
Back with Damien and Myleene, who is wearing an ugly yellow babydoll dress for some unknown reason. They remind us that someone will be eliminated tonight, and that the "celebrities" are doing this for charity, and we can donate if we want. Then they send us back to camp, where Daniel's apparently a big hit with the ladies. Torrie says he's happy and positive, and she loves him. Angela says he was totally helpful from the moment he arrived. He tells us he likes to work, then he keeps offering to do people's chores. He also notices that some people don't do anything: Torrie and Janice. Daniel tells Janice he's never bored, because he's always contemplating something to do. For example, right now, he's trying to figure out a way to trap some of this rain. Janice is amazed and touches her finger to her head because that's such a brilliant thought. Janice confessionals that Daniel's adding excitement and exuberance to the camp. Angela says Daniel's amazing and hard-working and that he and Stephen together is "such a joy." Stephen says that once he got over the initial shock of having his big brother there, he had fond memories of the fun they had in their youth. They find a root and take it to the confessional and laugh about it, as if they are still little boys. Brothers.
Everyone's laying around camp when Janice starts coughing and choking and spitting up phlegm. Frangela thinks something's definitely dying inside her chest. Or, you know, she has a cold. Frangela thinks whatever she's hocking up is from her Studio 54 days. Clips of Janice hocking intercut with Frangela impersonating it and mocking it. And everyone's grossed out because they've been walking around barefoot. Torrie decides she won't do that anymore. Because a human's spit is definitely the worst thing you might step on with bare feet in the jungle, right? Janice: "We are camping, Torrie! Did you noticed?" [sic] Torrie's all, "We are?" Janice says that spitting and spewing is what people do outside when they're camping. Frangela disagrees and thinks that even people who live in the jungle would be disgusted by Janice. They'd like to build her separate housing, because she's bringing down their property values with her disgusting phlegm. Myleene and Damien make fun of Janice, and then tell us to watch the marathon of the show on MTV this weekend. No, thank you. Then they send us back to camp for another challenge.
Lou reads a scroll: It's time for the food trial, which is called "On Your Knees." Each team must select two people to represent them, and this one will require "brain and brawn." Sorry, but neither team has two people who are capable of representing in a challenge that requires both of those things. Daniel wonders if "On Your Knees" is a hint. Sanjaya thinks it might be eating something out of a bucket without your hands. Torrie and Patti volunteer. John and Daniel will compete for the guys. Janice says Patti's competitive, and then says that women can't make it in life unless they're competitive. "Right, Frangelica?" Crickets, because Frangela's sleeping. Stephen: "They're competitive nappers." Frances wakes up to say they're zen. Everyone cheers on their team as the competitors leave. Lou thinks this team isn't a slam dunk with someone who's untried (Daniel) and someone who's dropped the ball before (John). At least the basketball references are appropriate, though.
The teams arrive at yet another "jungle clearing," where our hosts are standing under a silly umbrella. The winning team will get to eat all veggies, including portabello mushrooms. John's excited, but I'm pretty sure everyone else wonders where the hell the meat is. Damien explains the game. Team members must race through a swamp and grab a puzzle piece, then tag their teammate who gets the one, and so on, until they build the puzzle. The first team to get their puzzle back together wins. Saying, "I'm a celebrity; get me out of here" ends the trial and forfeits the game. John's plan is to win. The contestants are wearing some sort of suspender things. They head into the swamp, which has a wood grid over it for some reason that I'm guessing will not ever really be clear. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back, recap, remind, and send us back to the food challenge. Torrie and John head into the swamp, which is essentially a big mud puddle. They each grab a puzzle piece and bring it back. John says he and Daniel had a strategy to put their puzzle pieces back where they got them from. Torrie kept up with John. Then Daniel and Patti head in. Patti was amazed at how thick and gooey the mud was. Daniel kicked her ass, and John was in the water when Patti got back. Torrie explains the girls had a disadvantage because the puzzle pieces were sponge, so they got heavy in the water. Also, the grate thing over the swamp gets lower and lower each time, so Daniel knows he'll be at a disadvantage because of his size. Unless, you know, he walks across it. Can't they do that? They end up having to slide under the grid, though, so they have to be in the water and can't keep their sponge from absorbing water. John gets the last piece across just before Torrie. Now it's about brains, not brawn. John says they were exhausted, and that usually when you're tired, you forget to think. Torrie says they didn't have a strategy, but just started putting them together. The guys didn't have to talk, because they knew what they were doing. The guys, of course, win. Torrie's devastated, and explains that they didn't have a strategy. She's tired of losing. She's tired of sucking. John would like some buns and lettuce and some ground rice for a rice-patty burger. They head back to camp.
John and Daniel think maybe the ladies should all go home, since they clearly can't win anything, ever. The women feel defeated at the thought of eating rice and beans again. John and Daniel talk to Stephen and Lou about how awesome Pattie and Torrie are, but how the other three women will never win, and might as well go home now. Except, wait, don't you "win" by votes? So it sort of doesn't matter if you suck at challenges, except that you can win immunity that way? Or maybe I have no idea what this game is. It's so complicated that I'm apparently too stupid to get it. Riiiiiiiight. John hopes that one half of Frangela or Janice will go home this week. Damien and Myleene tells us that now we get to vote who will go head to head in the food trial. We can vote later. How very exciting! We also get to decide which man and which woman will face off in the "Flash Flood," which is a booth that fills with water and has creatures in it. They try to unlock themselves before they drown or something. Commercials.
Damien and Myleene remind us someone will leave tonight. Back in the jungle, Angela's looking for her shower kit, which has her hair pick in it. She tells us that there's a jungle thief, and she spent all day working for that. So she looks in Janice's bag, and it's right there on top of her stuff. Angela's pissed. Stephen says it's a trip how Janice will just take everything, and it's not personal; she just wants resources. Torrie's lost hair ties, her underwear, her towel. Angela's not sure if she's a klepto, didn't mean to, or just took it. Later, John's pillow's missing. He finds Janice sleeping on three mattresses and his pillow. He does deep breathing to keep himself from yelling at her again. Frances says everyone's skin's getting pretty thin. Patti tells a story about how her husband ran against a Janice type for something at some point, and she tells John you have to just roll your eyes at your "crazy old aunt" and keep going. John tells us in the confessional that she's "crazy old aunt Janice," and he's going to shrug his shoulders and let it go. Myleene and Damien again. Myleene's wearing bright purple rubber boots with her yellow dress. I didn't notice those before, but I can't tell if that's just because I've been trying to look away from the crazy yellow dress. My husband says she has a whole rainbow of rubber boots. Apparently he's watching closer than me and should be writing at least the fashion bits of the weecaps. Damien and Myleene are just outside of camp on the bridge the eliminated "celebrity" will use to leave. Wow. That's really meaningful.
Back in camp, Janice is in the confessional telling us how much she doesn't want to leave tonight. She will be deeply depressed and sad. Torrie will be upset. Frances hates that the women are up first, because it would be sad to lose any of them. Angela says this is the hardest thing she's ever done, and has felt every emotion every day. Torrie's had ups and downs. Frances thinks the challenges are amazing, because she didn't think she could do these things. Janice would have liked to do some challenges. Angela says you can feel close to these crazies just because of being put in this circumstance with them. Torrie's just getting her groove and now feels like she can do anything. Basically, no one's ready to leave. Except possibly Angela. Janice cries because she loves everyone here and doesn't want to go. Myleene and Damien are going into camp to reveal "the two women" who America has chosen to save. So, apparently they'll save two women and two will compete to leave? Again, I'm not clear at all on if this game has any rules or what they are. Maybe we'll find out, or maybe they'll just continue to make it up as they go along. They head into camp.
Damien asks Lou who he'd miss if one woman left. He says he'd miss them all, because they're his family now. He's wacky uncle Lou. Myleene asks Sanjaya if he knew he'd be so great in the jungle. He says he's always been in the jungle, so this is just an extension of his life. Damien asks Stephen how having Daniel here has been for him. Stephen says it was surreal, but it's been a lot of old-school brotherly fun between the two of them. Myleene says America's been voting all week and someone will leave the jungle forever. Guys and Patti are safe. That means Frangela, Torrie, or Janice will be leaving tonight. Myleene reveals that Janice is safe. She thought for sure it was going to be her. Janice thanks a couple of people by name and then: "Thank you, Gay Nation!" Torrie is not safe. She fake-cries. Frances is safe. So, it's Angela and Torrie. One of them will be chosen by America, but they'll find out later on. I think technically America's already voted to send one home, haven't they? Janice does a dance in which she says bye to the people she talked to earlier. Damien and Myleene, just outside of camp, tell us what just happened and then send us to commercials.
Damien and Myleene are still outside of camp, and they remind us what happened again. Then they remind us about Speidi. Remember them? The camp's still trying to decide whether to let them come back. Lou doesn't want them back. Daniel thinks the best part is that they'll have to stay the night in the lost chamber first. Frances thinks Spencer will run out like a crying bitch. Stephen thinks he'll be a new man, and changed, since he was baptized in water. He'd like to see them come back and try to be good. He thinks Spencer's a younger version of himself. John has no problem with it, but there's no place for them to sleep. He says he'll win anyway, so he doesn't care. Frangela tell the story about Spencer hitting the water bottle. Lou says they have a lot of rehab to do if they come back, and "I'm sorry" won't be enough. Speidi is in the lost chamber, praying to make it through the night. Then we're back with our hosts. Damien tells us to tune in Monday night to see if they make it back. I'm sure they will. It's all rigged, and Daniel's probably been told to talk people into it. Especially since it's airing on Speidi's network, MTV. Anyway, the suspense might kill us before Monday, right? Enjoy your weekends, and try with all your might not to worry and wonder. It will be difficult, but I think I can do it.
Back in camp, the "celebrities" have their final dinner as a camp. They are all happy and hitting their stride, and Patti's sad to see someone go. They all sing a song about John chopping vegetables and being seven feet tall. John says the Speidi situation made them all really unite tonight. Sanjaya's totally distraught that someone's leaving because the energy is flowing perfectly and they've become a family. John explains everyone's roles in this crazy family: Lou's the older brother, then the oldest brother Daniel came in. He's also like the old uncle. Janice is the loopy auntie. Sanjaya's the youngest. Frangela's the funny aunties from the other side of the family. Patti's the mother. John's the one who can cook. Torrie's the bombshell. And "Stevie B." is "the white hip-hop kid." Those are not at all how I would describe any of those people. I think the jungle's making him delusional. Frangela thinks Angela's going to be the one going home. Lou says this has been a great honeymoon (dude, is he married? Because my honeymoon did not involve eating tarantulas or crazy freaks like Speidi and Janice), but now someone must leave. Damien and Myleene send us back to commercials.
They welcome us back from their post just outside of camp. They're heading back in to reveal who is leaving the "jungle." They don't let Janice talk her craziness at all, and instead head into their fake suspense where they keep saying "Torrie or Angela" will leave. "Torrie or Angela." Torrie and Angela huddle. Myleene reveals that the first celebrity will be Angela. Of course. Torrie pretends to be sad, but she's not. Janice screams like crazy. Frances is sad. John thinks Angela's happy, but she says she's not at all. Angela hugs everyone. Thanks, America, for voting out an actual sane person so that I only have to weecap crazy. We get to vote now on who will compete in the rising water phone booth "Flash Flood" challenge. It's very exciting, and it's for food. They give us the numbers, and the lines are open. The show's over, but not until Damien tells us it's been an "amazing" first week. He says "amazing," I say "trashy." Angela's crossing the bridge on her way out, as everyone waves goodbye. Sad music plays, and we get Angela flashbacks, as if we are really sad about this. Oh, wait, watching her drink that cow intestine shake really made my heart ache.
See you back here for more week, when we'll hopefully not get Speidi back and lose a lot more "celebrities" a lot more quickly. Otherwise, we'll never get through this in three weeks, and I am not happy about these rumors of this show going on even longer than three weeks. That's not a happy thought.
Discuss this episode in our forums, and watch episodes here. Then see how this show is a lot like Gilligan's Island!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.