While I'm sure you all loved the clip show last week, I for one am thrilled to be back reporting from the frontlines. I'm so close to my television I should be wearing prophylactics! I'm willing to take the risk, though, because this is it, folks! This is the Season Finale. This is the day that we will finally learn which one of these slack-jawed troglodytic skanks wins $250,000 of hard(ly)-earned money. That's a quarter of a million dollars, that is. Of course in these days of billion and trillion dollar numbers getting bandied about like they ain't no thing but a chicken wing, 250 Gs doesn't seem that outlandish of a number. I totally don't mind that one of these individuals will be making more money in one day than I could make in 29 years of recapping this show. I don't mind at all, no sirree. Besides, these four remaining contestants have been working hard for the money. Megan hasn't worn a lick of clothing for two months, and her butt crack has been seen by my grandma! Hoopz had to snuggle down with both Real and Whiteboy and expose her man hands on national television! Whiteboy had to wear a camisole and get a Neil Diamond tattoo and pretend to be friends with Real and admit that he had emotions! And Real had to wear nothing but pimp clothes, and his embarrassing proposal to Hoopz and her justified laugh attack was witnessed by millions! These people have been working hard. So sit back, do a tequila shot off the closest stripper, pop open a Schlitz and a can of Pringles and let's find out who wins this thing.
Morning comes to La Casa des Crabs. And they are showing... crabs. On the beach. Mating. It can't be a coincidence... can it? [Maybe it's a shout-out? - Zach] Megan can't believe there are only four people left, and she is down to her last bikini. She wants to win and go bikini shopping. Maybe if we all focus our brainwaves, we can convince her to buy a pair of shorts that actually cover her rear. Start now! Focus, everyone! Real is not talking to Whiteboy. Or vice versa. Hoopz may not be talking to Whiteboy or Real, either. Ah, the Stallionaires. Your alliance doesn't make any sense now that you're in the finale, eh? Here, you're all competing with each other. If Whiteboy had just gotten rid of Real and Hoopz (actual competitors) he would be competing against Pumkin or Brandi now and would probably win. Craig calls to announce the challenge. He requests that they dress athletically and bring tennis shoes. Whiteboy is excited because he's performed so well in prior physical challenges. That was a joke, people. Megan is more realistic about her (lack of) prospects in a physical challenge. Hoopz and Real actually stretch before leaving.
Challenge Time! The skanktestants arrive at the Challenge location. A giant metal cube made of steel beams is dangling over the side of a cliff. We can only hope that someone plunges to their death. That would make great television. But this is VH1, not Discovery Health. That channel manages to be more graphic than this one, although to entirely different ends. Craig announces that the winner of this challenge will become Paymaster. After tonight's Power Dinner (in lieu of a Power Outing) the Paymaster will choose who is leaving. Craig introduces the Challenge: Crazy Toss. It is inspired by Bucky almost pushing Crazy off a balcony in Flavor of Love Season 2. When Craig shouts "go," the contestant has to pick up the "Crazy" doll, run across the wibbly-wobbly metal beam carrying the doll, throw it over the balcony, hit a target and run back. The contestant with the fastest time wins the title of Paymaster. Megan is up first, and she's wearing shorts. I'm proud that my brain waves can be of use to the world... like Aquaman! Megan dons her helmet and harness, and announces her obligatory fear of heights. Megan chokes. Craig tells her to give him a thumbs-up when she is ready. She isn't ready. Craig and Whiteboy yell up to her, but she doesn't move. In the confessional, Megan tells us that she is petrified but she doesn't want to go home. She finally gives Craig the thumbs-up sign. He blows his air horn and Megan goes to grab Crazy. She can't lift the doll, which is apparently really heavy or Megan is really weak. She finally manages to lift the doll, gets two steps onto the beam, and drops Crazy. She barely manages to grab the doll and clings to the beam for about two seconds before the doll's clothes rip and Megan is disqualified. She claims this was the worst, most embarrassingest day ever. Maybe she should re-watch Rock of Love .
Hoopz is . She also claims to be scared of heights. When Craig sounds the horn, Hoopz wraps up Crazy in a neat package, grabs the doll, sprints across the beam, and chucks Crazy over the balcony. Then she stands there. And stands there. No one says anything. She stands there and finally realizes that she had to go back across the beam. She runs back yelling that the rules weren't clear. VH1's crack editing team cuts back to Craig perfectly enunciating the rules. They were pretty clear, although Craig said, "Then make your way back," which is not particularly forceful language. Even with her gaffe, Hoopz's time is only 23 seconds. Real is . Hoopz is worried for Real because he's terrified of heights. She's concerned that if Whiteboy becomes Paymaster, he will send Real home. I'm not quite sure why she cares, because if Real goes home she is that much closer to winning. They must have a deal to split the winnings. Real picks up Crazy, wobbles across the beam, tosses Crazy, and makes his way back across the beam. Time? 28 seconds, which cracks Hoopz up to no end and pisses off Real because he can never beat Hoopz. If they got married he would definitely end up hating her for that. Whiteboy is last. He has never been Paymaster before, so he's determined to win. He finishes the Challenge really quickly and wins with a time of 16 seconds. Craig tries to make it dramatic, but it's not.
Back at La Casa, Megan is moping by herself. Real and his really weird walking stick come and sit beside her. Who uses a walking stick indoors? Real asks Megan if she thinks she is going home. She sighs, "Yeah." Real admits that he thinks he is going home, too, since he ate a bunch of crazycakes last week and accused Whiteboy of trying something with Hoopz. But Megan doesn't know about Real's shenanigans last week, and she tells him he shouldn't be worried. Although Megan was always an ancillary member of the Stallionaire alliance, she's more of an outsider than anyone else left on the show. She knows she's going to get tossed. And not in the fun way. Megan's sureness does little to assuage Real's fears.
Power Outing! Or rather, Power Dinner! In the living room. Wow, this show sure finds some exotic locales. Hoopz and Whiteboy have dressed up for the occasion. Megan has either given up and has not bothered to change out of her bikini, or is trying to score points with Whiteboy by wearing nothing but a bikini. Although, at this point, even Whiteboy must be kind of sick of looking at that merchandise. Real is wearing a cowboy hat, T-shirt and sunglasses. I'm not going to bother trying to figure out that ensemble. No one is talking. Everyone is drinking. Even Whiteboy, who doesn't drink. He has a glass of Chardonnay. Which is pretty much the least gangster badass drink this side of a juice box. The lack of discourse stumps the sound engineers, who decide to leave the mics on and record the sound of skanks eating. Lots of chewing, gnawing and swallowing -- nature at its most primal. Whiteboy cracks under the silence. He asks Real why he should let him stay. Like Pandora before him, he quickly learns to regret that decision. Real and Whiteboy start yelling about loyalty and who said what and who would do what and what would happen and on and on and on. Megan jumps in to the fray. She tells Whiteboy that Real wasn't sure Whiteboy would be loyal. More yelling. We head to commercials. We come back from commercials and the yelling continues. Hoopz outs Megan as having hypothetically thought about eliminating Whiteboy. This results in more arguing. And more arguing. And more. Whiteboy tells Megan to shut up. She tells him to shut up. He tells her to shut up again. Then the bleeping starts. Whee!
Whiteboy is getting drunk and getting testy. Every time anyone says something he doesn't like, he reminds them that he is Paymaster and he will send their ass home. Hopefully the rest of them, too, because I hate to think of a houseful of ass-less people walking around. Although Megan hardly has one already, so I don't know if it would make much a difference if Whiteboy sent her ass home. It appears to have gone on ahead without her. Anyway, the Power Dinner dissolves into disarray. Megan goes to sulk in her room. She can't believe Whiteboy thinks she was disloyal. Real goes to sulk on the balcony. He can't believe Whiteboy thinks he was disloyal. Gosh, do you think Whiteboy thinks I was disloyal and I didn't even realize it? Hoopz is nervous. She paces around the house until we cut to commercial.
Elimination Time! Craig, Whiteboy and Whiteboy's glass of Chardonnay take their position. Megan, Hoopz and Real face them. Craig illustrates the elimination with his hand and Whiteboy doesn't get it. He corrects Craig and then defends his stupidity in the confessional. Whatever! You're an idiot! Hurry up and get off my television screen! Craig rolls his eyes at Whiteboy and asks Hoopz how it would feel to lose right now. Hoopz claims she wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that she lost so close to the end. Real thinks it would hurt a lot -- more than we know -- especially because of who the Paymaster is. It would be devastating. Megan worked really hard to be here by backstabbing, trash talking and spying. Her hard work made the Final Four. She attempts to justify her trashtalking to Whiteboy by explaining that she told Hoopz to eliminate him because Megan always wanted more of Whiteboy, not less. That's why she worked so hard. The speech made absolutely no sense, but seemed heartfelt in Megan's dead-behind-the-eyes way. Unfortunately, Whiteboy doesn't seem to give a rat's patoot about her speech. Craig opens the Box. Whiteboy calls up Real. He recalls the good ol' days of I Love New York when he and Real and Chance always had each others' backs. They were unstoppable. Then Chance got eliminated and Real fell in love. Suddenly it felt like little Whiteboy was always alone in the world. Without Megan, he would have been kicked off a long time ago. He tells Craig to void Real's check. Whoa, actual drama! What's up VH1, why start now?
Real can't even look Whiteboy in the eye. Whiteboy tells him he took his eyes off the prize. Then he accuses him of stepping in on Hoopz. Real tries to justify everything, but it's too little, too late. Whiteboy and Real yell at each other so long that Craig ends up taking a seat. Real is totally animated. Whiteboy takes a seat and Real keeps going on and on about how he protected Whiteboy, he made an alliance with the girls that sent his brother home (his brother!), and how he never lied. Yawn. Craig gets up. He tells Real that his passion has overwhelmed him. He can't send him home now. He wants Real to take his voided check and go sit on the bench. Everyone is confused. Craig turns to Whiteboy. His time as Paymaster is over. He needs to go stand to Megan and Hoopz. Everyone is concerned. Craig turns back to Real. He asked Real to sit there because he is the first member of The Jury. What Jury? The Jury that will determine which two of the remaining three contestants will be moving on to the final challenge. The other jurors file in while Hoopz, Megan, and Whiteboy exchange very nervous glances. The jurors? You guessed it. It's a Jury of The Eliminated: Pumkin, Toastee, The Entertainer, Heather and 12 Pack. Thank God they didn't bring back Mr. Boston. I don't think I could have stomached it. Whiteboy can't believe what a bitch karma is.
Craig wants each of the contestants to plead their case to The Jury. In the confessional, Megan realizes that she's had a part in each and every juror's elimination. She is screwed. Craig asks 12 Pack if he is surprised by the final three. He says that he sees two competitors and one person who weaseled their way in. Megan has the self-awareness to realize he is talking about her. She smirks ruefully. Craig asks The Entertainer what he thinks of the final three. He was expecting Real to be standing there instead of Megan. Heather peppers his speech with "me too, me too." So I guess she agrees. Craig then turns to Megan and asks her how she feels about the curve ball. The editors put together a special Megan's Karmic Payback montage of every evil thing that Megan has done to each member of the jury. She really has been a connivingly bitchy backstabby addition to the show. As all her evil deeds come back to her, Megan thinks about it for a second and then does the only honorable thing possible. She commits reality show seppuku and quits. Yes. It's official. Megan does not win. She quits. Whoa. The Entertainer can't believe he came all the way back from his parents' basement just to watch her quit. Shut up, The Entertainer. In the confessional, Megan tells us that she wanted to take control of her own destiny. She didn't want Toastee, Pumkin, Heather, et al deciding her fate for her. Megan gets her check voided and she strumpets her way off the show. There's been a lot of speculation in the forums that Megan was dating one if the producers during the taping of this show. If that's true, I wonder if she couldn't have won the money, and so they devised this exit strategy as a way to create more drama. Regardless... Ta-ta, Megan! Toastee reminds us that karma's a bitch.
Whiteboy and Hoopz are the last competitors standing. Hoopz hugs Real and Pumkin. Whiteboy hugs 12 Pack and shakes Heather's and The Entertainer's hands. The Jury is dismissed without being able to make a decision. They all claim it was a great experience and they wouldn't have missed it for the world. The former enemies join forces to hit the town and give American tourists a bad (okay, worse) name. Whatever.
Once again, day comes to La Casa. Whiteboy and Hoopz eat breakfast together standing up in the kitchen. Craig calls. He reminds them that they are the final two and that this competition is for all the money. Hoopz and Whiteboy are nervous. That does not stop them from eating a healthy breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. As they step out of the house, they are sporting matching black tank tops, black shorts, and black tennis shoes. They are ready. Game on! Craig greets them at the town square. He announces the final challenge: The Dash for the Cash. I just realized that this show is an hour and a half long. Ugh. Sorry brain cells! Craig sends Whiteboy and Hoopz out into the square to beg, borrow, barter or hook for one hundred pesos. The first to get a hundred pesos wins. Just kidding! They have to pay a taxi to drive them to the secret destination. Hoopz doesn't speak a word of Spanish and she is nervous. Whiteboy speaks Spanish, but isn't looking forward to begging for cash from the "native Mexicans." What a tool. A tool in a camisole. Craig sounds the buzzer and Whiteboy and Hoopz head off to borrow money from hard-working honest folks. Being American is embarrassing. Whiteboy and his "bilingual" skills get him the money pretty quickly and all for the cost of a kiss. Whiteboy grabs the money, grabs a taxi, and heads off to the destination. Hoopz has no luck. No one speaks any English, no one will give her anything more than a coin or two, and no one understands why a girl in short shorts and athletic shoes is throwing herself at them and groping their pockets. Finally Hoopz sells her diamond bellybutton ring to a real Negotiator. He makes her work for it but finally gives up the hundred pesos. Ew. Used bellybutton rings.
Hoopz jumps in her waiting cab and heads after Whiteboy. She hits a traffic jam. There has been some messy traffic accident ahead. As ambulances roar past her heading to the accident site, Hoopz worries about the important stuff in life. Like, you know, winning the competition on a reality show. Meanwhile Whiteboy is zipping through the streets yelling, "Rapido, chico" to his cabbie. He arrives at the destination. It's the Baja de Conejos, where they had a Power Outing several weeks ago. He has to run down the hill and find his challenge. In the confessional, he bitches about the rocks, hornets and Chihuahua-sized termites plaguing the hill. Two weeks ago the girls did this hill in heels, so whatever, Whiteboy. Anyway, it looks more fun than scary when he careens down the hill. Hoopz's cab is speeding through the streets endangering civilian lives as it races to the beach. Hoopz barely lets the cab stop before jumping out and racing down the hill. She is praying that Whiteboy tripped, fell or was otherwise incapacitated (eaten by Chihuahua-sized termites perhaps?) so she has a chance at catching him. Unfortunately for Hoopz, Whiteboy is still in one piece when he hits the beach. He finds a giant coin emblazoned with Craig's enormous head and the word "Greed." He has to roll the coin down the beach and through an obstacle course. He starts off all sweaty and breathing hard as he starts rolling Craig's giant head down the beach. As soon as he begins, he sees Hoopz running down the beach. Whiteboy reaches the end of the obstacle course and jumps onto a waiting boat and races across the water. It seems Hoopz is not faring as well. She is hot and tired and still lagging behind Whiteboy. As she rolls her oversized coin down the beach she sees Whiteboy zip off in his boat. She barely finds the energy to finish. She finally drops the coin at the finish line, boards the boat, and her head collapses into her hands in exhaustion.
Whiteboy has reached another marker. This sign is attached to a buoy out in the water. Whiteboy recognizes La Casa and their private beach. He jumps into the water before realizing it's a semaphore challenge. Not really. He swims to the beach, runs ashore and finds another marker telling him to run up the 8,000 steps to the house. Hoopz storms the beach while Whiteboy makes his way up to the house. Whiteboy reaches the final challenge. He must arrange all the skanktestants in to the order in which they were eliminated. Ooh, the academic challenge! Whiteboy has no faith in himself, but he knows he has time because Hoopz is far behind him. Fateful foreshadowing? Or completely accurate prediction? We cut to a shot of Hoopz running on the beach. Whiteboy starts the challenge. He knows Midget Mac was the first to be offed. We cut to commercial. Ack, drama!
Hoopz climbs the steps while Whiteboy makes mistake after mistake in his line up of elimination. Destiney was after Mr. Boston! Don't you remember? He doesn't remember. Hoopz makes it to the top of the hill while Whiteboy struggles and bemoans his recreational habits. Hoopz is wet, breathing hard, and ready to rumble. She quickly reads the challenge and starts throwing cast members into the correct order. Whiteboy starts cheating off of her. She is working really quickly. Whiteboy calls Craig over to judge his results. He doesn't have it yet. Hoopz realizes she has a shot. She moves even more quickly. She calls Craig over to judge her lineup. She has it right! Craig grabs his stamp and just like that voids Whiteboy's check. Bam! Craig hands Hoopz her check. It's a whirlwind! Hoopz is dazed. She won? She won! She freaks out. Whiteboy is a good sport. He lost fair and square and seems happy to have lost to Hoopz. Hoopz freaks out some more and runs around in a circle. She can't believe it. Craig asks her what she is thinking. She wants to take care of her family. Aw. Whiteboy is proud of himself for being true and loyal. He is so proud of Hoopz, too, and her "memory like an eagle." Craig blurts, "Elephant." Hoopz doesn't care if it's an eagle or an elephant or whatever. She won! Craig, Whiteboy and Hoopz toast, "I Love Money!" and so do I. Except not enough to watch this show ever again.
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