If you sobered up long enough to watch this show last week, you may remember that (quite uncharacteristically) something actually happened. And it wasn't just one something, it was three somethings and maybe four. What were those somethings? The Entertainer got sent home for his lousy performance on a stripper pole. Back to your parents' basement, chucklehead! Man-of-Action Real proposed to Hoopz. The Double Secret Double D Alliance imploded in a watery cat fight. Hee! Then, facing ouster, Brandi C. sacrificed herself on the altar of elimination in the hope that BFF Megan would be able to stay and win. Craig then made up a "rule" that Paymasters must have three elimination options. So now all the remaining contestants must shuffle back into the Vault of Elimination to nominate another contestant for elimination. It's like they saved the entire point of this show for one jam-packed episode. Let's see what happens today, eh?
The skanktestants are in the Vault. They must decide which of the remaining contestants must join Real and Megan on the chopping block. As you may recall, last week Toastee and Pumkin had done their trash-talking, backstabbing, drink-tossing, hair-pulling best to make sure that Megan and Brandi were in the Box instead of them. Now with Brandi C.'s voluntary departure, all bets are off and it is more than likely that either Toastee or Pumkin is going to be up for elimination. Whiteboy takes the lead in the Vault and asks if there are any volunteers to go in the Box. There aren't any. Whiteboy asks if anyone wants Toastee in the Box. Megan and Real do. Whiteboy joins them and Toastee is now up for elimination. One minute into the show the drama has concluded. Or has it?
It has. As Paymaster, Hoopz must now choose between Real, Megan, and Toastee. She can't kick out the guy who just asked her to marry him on national television, so Real is safe. That said, Megan is competition. But, competition who Hoopz promised to keep safe. But, Hoopz and Toastee were long time alliance-mates. But Hoopz is a woman of her word and she gives Toastee the toss. So long Toastee! So long drama! As Toastee takes her final walk off the show, she takes a moment to enlighten Megan that the cottage cheese on her ass is cellulite and she should call Brandi's doctor ASAP. Snap? Snap.
Back at the Casa, Real is upset about the situation with Hoopz. She saved him from elimination, but she hasn't answered his proposal. He's upset and wants to talk to his brother. So he calls up Chance who swears a lot, talks some serious gangsta trash, and fills Real's head with suspicion, paranoia, and hatred of Whiteboy. Chance thinks Whiteboy and Hoopz are in cahoots and are going to take out Real. Real also thinks that they are hot for each other. Chance tells Real that Whiteboy talked trash about Hoopz. He talked trash about the woman he loves. Real is ready to take Whiteboy down. So long Stallionaires! May your retarded name never stump my spellcheck again.
Challenge Time! What will be this week's reality-inspired adventure? Whiteboy is not worried because his top two alliance mates are there still. Is that foreshadowing I hear? Hoopz adds to the growing cloud of foreshadowing by interviewing that it is more important than ever to be Paymaster, because Paymaster is the only safe position and you can't trust anyone. Ooh scary. Craig explains the challenge. It's called the Barflympics. (You can read that as Barfly Olympics or Barf Olympics. Ingenius, no?) Much like the other Olympics, this one is made up of several events. There's the Sit and Spin, the Praying to the Porcelain God, and the Kiss Off. I just made those up right now. Right off the top of my head. Amazing! That's why I get paid the mediocre bucks. Pumkin is up first. She dons her required "Beer Goggles" and sits and spins twenty times on her barstool. She stumbles to the bar crawl, falling several times, and knocking over a bunch of glasses and racking up the penalty points. She runs back to the bar stool, spins twenty more times, runs to the "margarita bar" and then sucks down the guacamole-looking concoction and spits in the toilet bowl all the way up to the spew line. She takes a moment in the confessional to say that this is the most disgusting thing she has ever had in her mouth. The editors kindly give us a montage of more disgusting things Pumkin has had in her mouth, namely: Mr. Boston's tongue. Egads. With green goo running down her face she manages to kiss some poor old dude and cross the finish line with an embarrassing time of eleven minutes and one second. To her credit she did take the time to call out her apologies to the unfortunate Senor she made out with. Real is . He has a surprise tactic: He takes off his shoes. With that unique strategy, he makes it through the bar with no demerits. He chugs and spews his margaritas and kisses the senorita (no apology) and crosses the line with a time of five minutes and thirty seconds. He is decisively in the lead. That'll show Whiteboy who he is dealing with. Whiteboy follows. He gets really dizzy from the Sit and Spin and falls a lot. He crosses the line in eight minutes and thirty seconds. Megan is and totally gives Real a run for his money and crosses the finish line in five minutes and five seconds. In the confessional Hoopz isn't surprised because Megan is drunk 24-7. It's nice to have that frequent supposition confirmed by an eyewitness. Hoopz is the last to compete. In a record time of four minutes and twenty-one seconds, Hoopz is the first back-to-back Paymaster in show history. Since Pumkin lost, her check immediately goes into the Box of Elimination. She is nervous. Does anyone care? I didn't think so. Know what I do care about? The blatant human rights abuses on this show. How can they force some poor old man and a poor little woman to sit in wicker chairs and be forced to kiss these disgusting contestants with green goo running down their faces? Cruel and unusual! Where is Amnesty International? Where is Human Rights Watch? Where is OSHA? Write a damn letter to your Congressman. This travesty cannot go unchallenged.
Back at the Casa de Kvetching, Real bitches some more about Hoopz and Whiteboy. Now that he's had a chance to cogitate on the matter, he is convinced that Chance is right and Whiteboy is hot for Hoopz. Real can't believe that Whiteboy would make a play for a girl that Real likes. Total violation of the Bro Code. We, the television audience, are given evidence of this travesty via clips of Hoopz and Whiteboy canoodling under the covers and on the balcony. With all the bed time Hoopz has spent with Real and Whiteboy, I hope Hoopz's supposed back-home boyfriend is really, really open-minded about Hoopz's ho-ishness. But since I don't think he actually exists, I guess he'd be okay with his girlfriend being a skank. Real is determined to get his revenge on Whiteboy for this hos before bros farce. I would say this whole betrayal and backstabbing seems scripted, but I know this is reality television so it cannot be. Real tracks down Hoopz in the kitchen and decides that he has to tell her that Chance said Whiteboy called her a @#$*. She is shocked that Whiteboy would call her a @#$*. She doesn't believe it. A @#$*? I can't decode it. I can't figure it out. It's fun to try though.
Hoopz is pissed. So pissed that she is actually talking to Pumkin about the Whiteboy situation. Real knows that time is of the essence. If he is going to eliminate Whiteboy as a threat on the show or in the bedroom, he must act quickly. He decides to call a meeting. He asks Whiteboy and Hoopz to meet him in his room. He applies deodorant. He's prepared. He asks Whiteboy and Hoopz what's up. They deny any collusion. Whiteboy confesses that he thinks she's hot. Half the conversation is spoken in their trademarked faux gangsta parlance and the other half of the conversation is bleeped, so it is difficult to make out what exactly is being said. Suffice it to say that Hoopz calls out Whiteboy who denies saying anything. Whiteboy is pissed at Real for putting ideas in Hoopz's head. No one is looking at each other. Awkward!
Vault Time! Whiteboy, Pumkin, Megan, and Real head into the Vault to decide who is going to be up for Elimination. Pumkin is in the Box of Elimination automatically because she lost the Challenge. No one votes for Whiteboy. No one votes for Pumkin. Pumkin votes for Megan. Pumkin votes for Real. Whiteboy and Megan vote that Hoopz will decide who is going to be in the Box. Hoopz comes in and instantly decides that Whiteboy and Megan are going into the Box. Hoopz claims that the only person she still trusts is Real. Whiteboy is nervous. Everyone is headed for the Power Outing. Except Real. He's going to stay home and bug Whiteboy's room and set up a nanny cam on Hoopz's dresser. Wait, what happens week? If one person is Paymaster that means the other three will be automatically up for elimination. No more Vault Time? This is it? Sniff sniff.
Power Outing! Whiteboy, Hoopz, Megan, and Pumkin head out for a day on a yacht. Unfortunately no one feels like talking or enjoying the scenery. It's the most sullen three-hour tour since Mary Ann and Ginger battled it out for The Professor's affections. Once the yacht is parked (okay, fine, dropped anchor) Megan and Pumkin yap at Hoopz like over-caffeinated Shih Tzus barking about who did what to whom and why and who will be loyal to Hoopz. Yappy yap fishcakes. Smartly, Whiteboy lets the girls go at and just sits back hoping Hoopz will forget he exists amid all the high-pitched, shrill, squeaky truth-telling. During the feeding frenzy, the poor tour director tries to announce lunch about four times but keeps getting interrupted by shrieky name-calling. He gives up and calls them "crazy Americans." Oh please don't group me with these people. It's not my fault we live in the same country. Ugh. We are getting the worst global reputation and we don't even get to sleep around.
Back on the boat, it is time for the Paymaster's fifteen minutes. Hoopz asks Whiteboy to talk to her. Whiteboy tries to convince her that Real's proposal was just a scheme to get her off her game. He also thinks that Real is threatened by him because he and Hoopz are friends. I don't know if Whiteboy reads a lot of self-help or pop psychology books, but I know that he listens to a lot of Neil Diamond. He is a softy inside a camouflage camisole. He has beautiful words of wisdom to impart on the world. He shares, he cares, he apologizes to Hoopz for hurting her. Meanwhile, Real prepares a little surprise for Hoopz back at the Casa. Hoopz once told him that she wanted to get married in Italy, so he is recreating Italy in their own backyard. He has a table, two chairs, and a little paper sign that he has written in Sharpie that says, "Italy." If he was seven it would be adorable. He's not seven, so it's retarded. When Hoopz gets back from the Power Outing he tells her to shower and change (rude much?) because he is going to take her somewhere special. Hasn't he had enough awkward encounters for the week? I can't even watch this. Pimptastic Real takes Hoopz by the arm and leads her out to "Italy." She bursts out laughing at the little set up. He pulls out her chair and calls her "Big Butt." Charmante! Real serves up a little drama over his pasta dinner. He disses Megan. He trashes Pumkin. He throws Whiteboy under the taco truck. After ten minutes of bad-mouthing Whiteboy, Hoopz starts to get a clue that Real has serious intentions towards her. She harks back to some malarkey that Whiteboy was spouting about Real's feelings for her clouding his judgment. I wish Hoopz would just man up and kick out Whiteboy because he is a stronger competitor than Megan or Pumkin. It has to be done at some point. Why not now?
Hoopz and Megan share some patio time. Megan wants to find out whether or not Hoopz is going to kick her off tomorrow. Megan dons her infuriating shit-eating grin and doesn't move her lips at all while asking if she is safe. Hoopz doesn't really answer. In the confessional, Hoopz rolls her eyes at Megan thinking that her offer to save her was perennial. It wasn't. Megan presents her case for getting rid of Pumkin and Hoopz barely listens. In the communal closet, Whiteboy tries to talk to Hoopz before elimination, but their relationship is scarred. She doesn't have anything to say to him.
It's Elimination Time! In the wildest turn of events yet, Megan is actually wearing a dress. A full-on proper dress. Oh my god. She must have gotten the care package I sent her. Exciting! Hoopz and Craig walk out of the Casa. Whiteboy, Pumkin, and Megan await judgment. Pumkin thinks she is safe because she and Hoopz have known each other for so long. Megan thinks she is safe because Pumkin doesn't deserve to be there. And she's a bitch. Heh. Craig asks Hoopz to choose who gets their check back first. Hoopz pretends to think about it. She recites her speech, which sounds like a bad game of "Twenty Questions": This person is a threat, she's strong, she's determined, but she hasn't gone back on her word, she has a lot of bikinis, and a man's torso. Ooh ooh, is it Megan? That's right, it is Megan! Megan is safe for another round. Now it's down to Pumkin and Whiteboy. Craig reminds Hoopz how high the stakes are now. In the confessional, Real tells us that he doesn't know who she will choose. He has never seen her like this before. Hoopz calls Whiteboy up. He interviews that he thinks this is it for him. He can see it in her eyes. Rather he can't see it in her eyes because she won't make eye contact with him. He is doomed. Commercials!
In the confessional Hoopz pretends that she doesn't know what she is going to do. She and Whiteboy have been tight, but he hurt her feelings and shook their alliance. She and Pumkin are friends. They have history. Whatever will she do? Hoopz tells Whiteboy that they were cool. But he hurt her. He called her a stranger today. A stranger! Who can recover from such an insult? Whiteboy looks nervous. Hoopz doesn't prolong his torture. She calls out, "Pumkin! You got to go babe." Pumkin sort of shrugs. Hoopz hands Whiteboy his check. She knows it was all a big misunderstanding. They are good. They hug. All that drama? Just fishcakes. Pumkin is going home. Hoopz tells Pumkin that she is sending her home because she went against the alliance and got rid of Chance. Hoopz and Pumkin then get into an argument over the semantics and etymology of revenge. It's very meta.
Ooh week is the finale! I have never heard such wonderful news! Not in my whole entire life did I ever hear such sweet words! Is the sky a particularly lovely shade of blue? Are the birds singing a little sweeter? What a wonderful world!