What's up, skanks? The sun rose early on this beautiful Sunday morning in the middle of Labor Day weekend. It's a gorgeous day in New York with a bright blue sky and a hint of a breeze off the East River. The streets are almost empty since most city dwellers are spending the last summer weekend at the beach or in the mountains. It's the quintessential end-of-summer day. And where am I spending it? On the couch. Watching freaking I Love Money. I am in a bad mood. And I am planning on taking it out on these chuckleheads.
If you can't remember last week, 12 Pack was eliminated by Toastee. This even though as Paymaster she had the opportunity and means to eliminate her purported enemy Numero Uno, Whiteboy. Why? Well, Megan would like you to think it was because of her mad manipulation skills. I think it was because Toastee is allergic to Sun In and 12 Pack? 12 Pack was lousy with the stuff. Plus, he was a crap dresser. So what is the lay of the land now? Currently we have the remaining Stallionaires and their alliance, which currently includes Whiteboy, Real, Hoopz, and sometimes Megan and maybe Toastee versus Heather and The Entertainer. The former Gold Team has been decimated. Rounding out the alliance round up is what I call the Double Secret Double Ds: Brandi, Toastee, Pumkin, and Megan and their top secret blonde alliance. Since the former Gold Team is pretty pathetic at this point Heather starts doing what she is good at: pimping and whoring. In a sad transparent attempt to find a new alliance she pretends to like Brandi and Megan and even Megan's little dog. Everyone sees through the charade. The Entertainer is strangely testy about Heather's so-called betrayal, but what's a girl supposed to do? I'm sure The Entertainer will become a douche himself by the end of the episode. More of a douche, I mean.
Phone rings. It's Challenge time! Craig claims that this week's Challenge will test strength, accuracy and agility. Megan and Brandi have no idea what "agility" means. I guess they didn't have SAT prep courses in the trailer park. The Entertainer and Whiteboy both contend that they are going to win the Challenge, whatever it is. And what is this week's Challenge? Anyone who has seen a promo for the episode knows -- It's the Spit Olympics! Yay? In the confessional, Pumkin tells us that she is very proud that there is an entire Challenge based on her antics. I'm sure her parents love the bumper sticker that came with this great honor. This week's Challenge will test each contestant's ability to spit by length and height. The whole thing is truly revolting. Really. Craig tells the skanktestants that the winner will be Paymaster and the loser will be up for elimination. First, they will be judged on their ability to spit distance. They have bottles of colored something or other (it looks like blue and green Kaopectate) to swish and spit. First to the plate is Real. A man in protective headgear, eyegear, and gloves rushes out to measure the spittle shot. Better safe than sorry with this lot. Who knows what diseases are teeming within! Real spit seventeen feet. Pumkin hits twelve. Toastee is wearing a tiara. She claims her parents told her a lady doesn't spit so she doesn't expect to be able to spit that far. She hits six feet. I wonder if her parents said anything about not being a skank on national television? Heather and her abs and bronchitis manage a notable 15 feet. Whiteboy gets 18 feet, which is sort of impressive. Disgusting, but impressive. Hoopz, Brandi, and Megan are all pretty much lame spitters. I'm going to skip the fellatio jokes. All of them. Megan is the worst spitter despite being tall. The Entertainer hits 18 feet five inches. His parents must be proud. As Brandi, Toastee, and Megan are the worst spitters, they have to sit out the rest of the competition. I can't imagine they are bummed out about that. As the worst of the worst, Megan is guaranteed a place in the Box and must be prepared for Elimination.
Now we head to the height competition. The contestants must spit as high in the air as they can. Each droplet will be measured on a giant board. Whoever makes it the highest wins and, once again, the lowest three are out. The contestants all hock some serious loogs, but The Entertainer, Whiteboy, and Real battle it out for first. As the bottom three, Pumkin, Hoopz, and Heather are eliminated. I don't know what happened to the professional measuring guy (read: intern) but Craig measured these shots. The Entertainer, Whiteboy, and Real move on to the agility portion of the games. I assume it involves twirling giant ribbons whilst hacking up a giant globule of slobber. The Entertainer knows the stakes are high. If either Whiteboy or Real wins, he is going to get sent home. He has to perform. And performance under pressure? Not sure if this is his strong suit.
For the agility portion of the competition, the boys have to run to five targets, spit in the bull's eye, run back to the center, re-fill, and then head to the target all within one minute. The Entertainer is up first. He runs, he spits, he hits his target. He runs back, refills, hits the one. He hits four out of five targets before he runs out of time. Whiteboy is to spit. He misses his first target. He refills, he hits one. He refills, he chokes. He runs out of time. Real finishes the round of three. He explains that he is gunning for The Entertainer, because The Entertainer is out to get all the strong players. He can't have that. 'Cause, you know, this is a contest where there is only one winner. Can't have someone eliminating all the strong players or anything. That just isn't fair. Real then adds that he can't stand all the yapping that comes with The Entertainer. That actually makes more sense. So Real is up. He spits, he scores! He spits, he scores! He hits all the targets. Hoopz sits on the sidelines squeeing in glee. Craig calls everyone together to announce the winner. Whiteboy is out. Real and The Entertainer shuffle nervously while Craig dilly dallies, I mean, dramatically pauses before announcing that this week's Paymaster is.... The Entertainer! He jumps up and down, sticks out his blue tongue, and sniffles in glee. In the confessional he tells us how happy he is to have the power and finally get things right in the house. You know he is going to do something stupid.
After the Spit Olympics (and I assume a lot of showering), Whiteboy, Hoopz, and Real discuss what they are going to do about The Entertainer. Um, nothing? These jackasses are all talk and grease. They know The Entertainer is going to try and get one of them in The Box with Megan. What can they do about it? Whiteboy scratches his head. Real rubs his chin. Hoopz smoothes her moustache. They can't come up with anything. Luckily, that darn Megan can! How long until she gets her own spin-off where she gets almost all the camera time and has to craft some devious yet silly scheme each week? Oh wait... The Entertainer has gathered all the girls around him and asks who they think should be in the Box with Megan. He wants Real (I thought he said Whiteboy, but I'm too lazy to rewind) and Hoopz, obviously. He tells the girls not to tell Whiteboy and Hoopz what they talked about. The Entertainer is really stupid. I mean I know this show is idiotic and puerile, but it's not kindergarten! You can't just say, "Don't tell!" and expect these chickenheads to listen to you. Despite his proclamation that he wants Real and Hoopz, Megan thinks The Entertainer is secretly vying to get her eliminated. She is a paranoid narcissist, but she may not be wrong. The Entertainer announces that his plan is in effect.
The Entertainer is not stupid. His words, definitely not mine. He has apparently laid the groundwork for a stunningly brilliant coup. He wants Hoopz and Real in the Box so that when he saves them from elimination they will want to run up and thank him and hug him and squeeze him and make him their bestest friend ever. Apparently The Entertainer just watched The Parent Trap. He is going to talk to Whiteboy about this brilliant plan. Whiteboy is a lot of things (Neil Diamond-tattooed gansta-wannabe Mr. Clean camisole-wearing wigger) but he doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth. The Entertainer wants to play nice? Let him. The Entertainer wants in on his alliance. Whiteboy is totally ready, willing, and able to pretend to let him. Megan interrupts their bald tete-a-tete. She has a long face. And, holy crap, clothes. She actually has clothes. Granted it's a tiny tank top and shorty short shorts, but still, we can call off the clothes drive. Megan is sad because she thinks she is going home. We who read the forums know better because we know (or highly suspect) that she is face mashing with the executive producer of this fine television fare. There is no way she is getting sent home! Right? She interrupts them in order to get more camera time. And to confirm her suspicion that The Entertainer is lying to her about his intentions. Yawn.
The day dawns and Heather has decided it is time to pow wow with The Entertainer. She wants to make sure that he will protect her because she thinks everyone is going to try and get her in the Box. The Entertainer swears he wants Hoopz and Real in the Box so that they can go on the Power Outing and sweat a bit. Heather realizes that The Entertainer is talking out both sides of his mouth. Previously he claimed that he wanted to get rid of Hoopz, but now he wants to make her "sweat." Heather hears the low rumbling of doom in the distance. Meanwhile, the Double Secret Double Ds are coming up with a scheme to save Megan. Like monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle they are putting the pieces together. They realize that The Entertainer wants Hoopz and Real in the Box so that he can scare them. Once he gets rid of Megan and saves them, they will let him into their Alliance. So Megan and the Double Ds realize that they can't give The Entertainer what he wants. They will put Brandi and Heather in the Box instead. So what is Megan's wacky scheme this week? She is going to convince The Entertainer to get rid of his one friend and ally, Heather. I told you he was going to do something stupid.
It's Vault time! Heather confesses that heading into the Vault she felt a weird vibe. Oh that's not a weird vibe, that's body lice. The first vote is for Hoopz. No one raises their hand. Heather looks concerned. The vote is for her. Everyone raises their hand. Heather reminds us that the girls are all liars, manipulators, and phonies. She forgot infantile, chuckleheaded, and skeevy. She feels safe, though, because she and The Entertainer are tight and it is her first time in the Box. Oh Heather? That weird vibe? It wasn't body lice, it was the foreboding sense of betrayal. The Entertainer is herded back into the Vault. He is shocked that his plan wasn't followed. He is pissed and takes out his anger on Heather. So long, Heather!
God this show drives me nuts! The competition takes all of ten minutes and the rest of the time is spent watching these mealy-mouthed knuckleheads attempting to justify their existence. And now we all know Heather is out, but there is still half an hour left! Can they please just cut the rest of the show and air a picture of a cute little kitten eating spaghetti and be done with it? Cripes. Power Outing. Doofy Entertainer with Brandi, Heather, and Megan. They hit the beach and are greeted by the "Chef du Jour" who promises them a real American barbecue. The Entertainer stops him, "With American food?" The Chef has no idea what to say to that and just sort of nods and wanders off. The Entertainer claims he's been eating nothing but rice and beans and he is sick of it and is really excited to eat American barbecue. One thing you never see on this show is anyone eating Mexican food, but that is the least of my complaints about this show. Megan and Brandi are determined to convince The Entertainer to get rid of Heather. They know it is going to be hard, but they are going to do it! Brandi C. claims she will do whatever it takes. Grossness is sure to ensue. They play horseshoes and volleyball and talk smack about each other while The Entertainer shovels potato salad in his mouth and talks with his mouth open. Charmante! We are spared any more scenes of his gaping maw filled with mayonnaise-drenched American food because it is time for The Entertainer to take his 15 minutes of alone time. He picks Heather, which surprises her because she doesn't think they have anything to talk about. The Entertainer yells at her for not making everyone put Hoopz in the Box. He claims he stood up for her and she can't turn against him now. She is flabbergasted, but does her best to convince him that she is still on his side. Brandi and Megan crash back and promise to rub various body parts. (Back and feet, thank you very much, you dirty minded folks). Apparently Brandi is a licensed masseuse. I didn't know massage parlors made you take a licensing exam. Learn something new every day!
Back at the Crabs Shack, Brandi and Megan get ready for some good old fashioned whoring. They prep the bed, lay down a clean sheet, and find the lube. The Entertainer flops on the bed while the girls try to convince us that they are only willing to touch him because they need something from him. Like twenty bucks and a new venereal disease? The girls rub him down and try to persuade him to get rid of Heather. They claim that the only reason his plan didn't work was because all the girls hate Heather and didn't want to go along with her. So she ruined his plan. She's to blame so he should vote her off. He mounts a few weak arguments, but we all know what is coming. Don't we?
Elimination Ceremony. The girls are dressed in their "professional" clothes, except Megan who is back to her bikini. Craig asks about the Power Outing and The Entertainer blabbers a bit about Megan and Brandi. The Entertainer then opens up about the real reason he is upset with Heather. After 12 Pack was eliminated he felt that Heather was pushing him away and it hurt his feelings. Heather tries to explain that she was depressed because her boyfriend just got eliminated. She didn't want to be near anyone, not just The Entertainer. They are friends! Everyone knows it! At that Brandi and Megan jump into the conversation: You're not friends! We know you she doesn't like you! They start nattering like irritable mosquitos. Heather shrieks that Megan is just jealous because she got 12 Pack. Megan laughs at that. Brandi adds, "We're not in a strip club, you don't need to yell." It was in the confessional though so Heather didn't get to hear or tackle her. Heather points her finger at them both for playing both sides. They all are yelling at each other and look like they about to start hair pulling and scratching. After a few thwarted attempts, Craig gives up on trying to regain control of the situation. He and The Entertainer sit down on the steps to watch. The Entertainer wishes he had popcorn. It would be funny if it wasn't so obviously scripted. I am happy to see the old Heather back. I don't know what's been with her this whole show, maybe she's been mixing Paxil with her Dexatrim. Whatever it is I'm glad she's still alive and kicking in there.
When we return from commercials, Real reminds us that no matter how entertaining all the squawking is, someone has to be eliminated. The ladies have regained their composure and await judgment. Craig asks The Entertainer to give out his first check. He asks Brandi C. to come up and re-claim her check. He doesn't see her as a threat. She gets her check back and The Entertainer demands a kiss. She goes for the cheek despite his pursed lips. Anxiously awaiting their fates are Heather and Megan. In the confessional The Entertainer claims he has a tough decision that he actually had to think about: should he keep Heather and try to keep trusting her or Megan who causes trouble and can't be trusted? Doesn't sound that hard to me. Keep Megan 'cause she's dorking the executive producer! Duh. The Entertainer calls Megan forward. Megan claims she knows that it's all over for her. He brings her up and shows her the check he made for Lily. He really wants to void their checks. But he isn't going to. He defends his decision to keep Megan on the grounds that at least he knows what she is getting with her. Heather stomps up to the podium. She announces that she is ready to go. She can't deal with the shady liars. She hates them all. She is done. The Entertainer asks for a hug, but Heather grabs her check, swivels on her stripper heels and stomps off for her farewell interview. In case we weren't aware of it, Heather clarifies that every last person in the house is fake. None of them deserve the money because they are fake. Black hearts, black souls. She, however, is angelic. Megan giggles that she and her secret alliance have controlled the last four eliminations. She is very proud of her black heart and black soul. She looks good in black. The Entertainer justifies his betrayal of Heather by explaining that he did what everyone in the house wanted in order to persuade them to let him into their alliance. If everyone is in an alliance, does it make a sound when it poops in the woods? Who cares as long as it looks good in a bikini! 'Til week!