After last week's not-at-all dramatic or surprising but incredibly non-strategic elimination of Destiney, everyone returns to the Cradle of Filth for some much-needed downtime (read: drinking). The Stallionaires, the Green Team, and the Gold Team are all feeling strangely celebratory over Destiney's departure. Really, was she that bad? Today's zen question: If everyone is in an alliance, is it still an alliance? Who are you aligning against if you're all on the same side? Whiteboy and Real thump Toastee on the back for her good work in protecting their alliance's collective behind. Toastee quietly knocks her head into the wall for forgetting that 1. This is not a team competition and 2. Even if it was a team competition (it's not), The Stallionaires are noton her team. The Entertainer is not feeling celebratory. He misses Destiney who apparently left a smell all over his bed. Which makes him miss her even more, despite the fact that just last week he himself explained that true love meant holding your fart in. He is instead reveling in it and letting forth with a steady stream of bleeps, rants, and conspiracy theories. 12 Pack is patiently listening to this tear. He comes to the conclusion that since Whiteboy is controlling the action, he has to go. It's a sad state of affairs when a man with Sun In highlights and a matching tattoo and shirt combo is the most reasonable person around.
Megan is hatching a plan. She has realized that Toastee, Brandi, Pumkin and Hoopz think Whiteboy, Chance and Real are protecting them, but she knows they aren't. She cupcakes with the other girls and proposes an alliance with Brandi, Toastee and Pumkin. One Alliance to rule all the other Alliances. They all pinky swear to not vote each other off ever. Please, for the love of God, hand these people a rule book! When they are alone, Toastee and Pumkin admit that they aren't sure about this alliance. They don't trust Megan at all -- she's skanky, devious and mean. In the end, they decide they're willing to use her if they have to. They are so smart. S-M-R-T.
The new team challenge is vaguely introduced. The teams are to choose new captains, put on their swimsuits, and their uniforms, and be ready to roll in an hour. Brandi really wants to be team captain. She points out that the last time a girl was a captain they won. Real tells us that all the boys have been captain so they have no choice but to let a girl have a turn. Cause they have to. Is Real twelve? I mean, really. While I admit I wouldn't want Brandi leading a team I was on, it's not because she is a girl. It's because she is dumb as rocks. But Real is dumb as rocks, too. And he dresses like a pimp. Pumkin takes the reins of the Gold Team, despite Hoopz wanting to lead. The teams load up and head out to the beach.
During this week's challenge the contestants must "Save the Mac." What the hell are they talking about? In Season Two of I Love New York, Midget Mac almost got his hair wet until someone jumped in and saved him. This challenge involves saving a dummy Midget Mac. Toastee and Pumkin have no interest in saving even a fake Midget Mac after all his smack talking. Toastee points out that the dummy is bigger and smarter than Mac. The challenge is a relay race to grab the four dummies out of the water, throw the dummy on a backboard and drag him to shore. Since the Gold Team has so many members, two have to sit out. Rodeo volunteers because she doesn't feel well (it's called old age, honey) and The Entertainer sits out, too. The teams take a moment to strategize. But strategy doesn't help when your team members swim worse than an overweight Welsh Corgi. 12 Pack and his tiny swim trunks dive in and gets to the doll quickly and efficiently. Chance and his life vest and goggles kicks and paddles and barely manages to stay afloat. It's a sad start to the competition for the Green Team. Chance claims it's a dog paddle, but it's more like a bug on a pin.
12 Pack grabs the furthest of the four dummies (strategy!) while Chance grabs the second closest, but beats 12 Pack to shore. up is Heather versus Megan. Megan has to swim extra fast to try and make up for Chance's weak performance. Everyone stops to watch Megan run Baywatch-style into the water. Heather moves things a long for her team, only pausing long enough to cover her boob. The Entertainer encourages her not to bother since everyone has seen them already. Whiteboy goes against Toastee and Pumkin. Despite claiming to be on a swim team (in Whoresville, PA?) and captaining the Gold Team, Pumkin refuses to help Toastee unhook Midget Mac's body because of all the sharks. I have no idea what to say about that. Regardless of the rampant stupidity, Toastee and Pumkin drag Mac's body back to shore unapologetically decapitating him while doing so. Whiteboy beats them back to the beach. Real and Brandi are tag-teaming for the final leg for the Green Team. They head into the water while Toastee and Pumkin drop Mac's body on shore and Hoopz dives in for the last leg on the Gold Team's relay. And, oh wow, can that girl swim. She charges out to the floating Mac, grabs him, brings him back to shore, and the Gold Team wins again! The Green Team would be morose if they knew what that meant. Craig rubs saltwater in their wounds by pointing out that the Gold Team has won four challenges in a row and is utterly dominating the competition. And Pumkin is now Paymaster. That could be the weirdest sentence I have ever written. Like, if my grandmother read it she would have no idea what I was saying. Sigh.
Back at Las Casa des Skeeze, Megan makes a run for Pumkin to remind her that they have, not just an alliance, but THE Alliance. Megan then confesses to the camera that she isn't sure that Pumkin will stand by the alliance since it is new, she already has an alliance with The Stallionaires, and she is on the other team. Megan is really self-aware this episode! Maybe someone is spiking her margaritas with Valtrex? Megan corners Pumkin and restates Destiney's arguments about The Stallionaires. Namely, they won't protect her, they are strong players, and hos before bros, ho. Pumkin is not entirely convinced. She tells the cameras that Megan is a conniving bitch, but she just might have a point.
Brandi and Megan realize that they are in a lot of trouble. While Brandi eats yogurt, Megan reminds us again that she has an alliance with Pumkin, Toastee, and Brandi, but she doesn't know how strong it is. Screw the Valtrex, this show needs a steady dose of Adderall. We know about your stupid alliances! You just told us ten seconds ago! And ten seconds before that! Megan and Brandi try to figure out the inner workings of Pumkin's mind. Good luck with that! They don't know which of the boys will be joining them in The Box. They don't have to wait long before they are led into the Vault. The Stallionaires instantly vote both girls into the Box. Whiteboy knows that he is the number one target for everyone in the house and really doesn't want to go in The Box. It takes a good five minutes of debate before Chance soldiers up and risks getting voted home. Megan thinks Pumkin will be too scared to send Chance away because it will make her a target for the other two Stallionaires. Megan thinks she is going home. Whiteboy thinks she is too.
As the most lackluster threesome this house has ever seen prepares for their Power Outing, The Entertainer, 12 Pack, and Heather realize that Pumkin is part of The Stallionaire alliance. They will be shocked if Pumkin sends Chance home. They also realize that if the Gold Team loses a challenge the three of them will be picked off one by one. And then the only people left will be in the Stallionaires alliance who have all sworn to never vote each other off ever. How would that work exactly? Whatever. I am totally convinced Brandi C. is going to win this entire thing because no one sends her home because they think she is harmless. Toastee and Pumkin discuss strategy while Pumkin does more damage to her hair. Seriously, airdrop that girl some VO5. They don't trust the whores (their words) but they know that they won't be able to win if they keep the strong players around. Toastee tries to convince Pumkin that it is time for one of the guys to get sent home. Um, Toastee? Are we watching the same show? Didn't you have the opportunity to send Real home just yesterday? Didn't you send Destiney home instead? Wasn't that you? The trouble with skanks is you just can't tell them apart.
As Pumkin, Megan, Brandi and Chance head out of La Casa des Crabs for their Power Outing, the door slams shut on Chance's face and Megan has to kick it open so he can get out. Hee! I heart slapstick. This week's Power Outing is at a lovely spa where the bottom three contestants and the Paymaster will be massaged. Except for Chance who refuses to be massaged. Strike! He's on strike! He tells us that he is not in the mood for a massage. He explains that there is a lot of tension in The Box. Tension! It's making all his muscles tight. His neck hurts. His shoulders are bunched up. He is way too stressed out for a massage. The girls roll their eyes and take off their shirts. After their massages, it is time for lunch. And the lovely staff has decorated their pineapple cups with cute little fruit faces and orange ears! Wow, the massage services, crisp linens, and beautiful outdoor setting were nice and all, but fruit faces? Now I'm totally going there! As they begin their lunch and Power Suckup, Chance refuses to eat. He is not here for fun. He doesn't have to have fun because he has an alliance. He doesn't need to suck up, so he is just going to sit there. Brandi and Megan try to convince Pumkin that in the end she wants to be competing against someone like them (blonde and herpetic?) instead of against a supposedly stronger player. After Chance's hilariously bad performance in the challenge today, it is a bit farfetched to continue to call him a stronger player. He's not. He just has friends in high places. Sort of. Megan and Chance screech at each other a bit and try to pretend that the other is more stupid. Guys? You're both cracktards. Chance then threatens to drown her dog and VH1 treats us to a five-cent graphic of a drowned crowned Chihuahua. Thanks for the visual, VH1! Now let your intern lay off the Pagemaker and get back to watching audition tapes.
Pumkin chooses to spend her five minutes in heaven with Megan. Chance was being such a dick to the girls during the outing that Pumkin is warming to Megan's dastardly plan. Megan seizes the opportunity to point out the obvious: Chance is an ass. The Stallionaires don't care about Pumkin. Pumkin will never win against The Stallionaires. Pumkin is wary about losing the challenge and getting voted off, but Megan tells her that she is going to be the Green Team captain. Megan then promises that if she is not team captain, she will throw the challenge. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. It's worked so well in the past on this show. Pumkin tentatively agrees. Or at least she agrees to Megan's face. Or one of her two faces.
Back at the Casa, Chance, Whiteboy, Hoopz, and Toastee recap the Outing. Chance is freaking out. He calls Megan a bitch and a whole bunch of other names. While I'm not opposed to tossing around the b-word, and Megan certainly has worked hard for such a title, the way Chance talks about her reeks of a widespread misogyny that extends far beyond a mere hatred of Megan. It's icky. Hoopz is sure that one of the girls is going home because she has control over Toastee and Pumkin. They will do whatever she says. Hoopz knows Pumkin is going to pick Megan. Um, okay, Hoopz. Whatever you say. Whiteboy tells us that whatever strategy Pumkin is working, if it involves sending Chance home, "It's time to go smash some Pumkins." They then beat up a football and pretend it's Pumkin's head while Toastee laughs. What I said about Chance being a misogynist? It's not just Chance. I am starting to feel queasy whenever The Stallionaires pop up on screen. They are really, really repulsive individuals. And I really wish I didn't have to watch them anymore.
Does Megan own clothing? I'm guessing no, because once again she is sporting a bikini to an elimination ceremony. What I thought was merely a ruse to get 12 Pack and The Entertainer to spare her by showing her wares is really a cry for help. Someone organize a clothes drive quick! It's going to be winter soon. Megan and her boobs look nervous. She hopes she reached an agreement with Pumkin, but a verbal agreement between those two isn't worth the paper it's written on. Chance is feeling secure because he has an alliance with the majority of the Gold Team. Brandi is so used to being on the bottom three that she is practically bored with it. Whiteboy tells us again that since Pumkin is part of their alliance if she doesn't want to have everyone turn on her she had better keep her eyes off Chance. Maybe Pumkin wants to keep her eyes off Chance because he is a slackjawed troglodytic woman-hating DL jackass. Huh, Whiteboy? What do you have to say to that?
First to be saved from elimination is Brandi C. Totally proving my theory that she is going to take this entire competition by flying under the radar and acting like a meth-faced dingbat. Megan, Chance, and the editors take a few moments to remind us once again that Megan has an alliance with Pumkin but doesn't trust her to stick to it, and Chance has an alliance with Pumkin and is a total ass. Part of Pumkin wants Megan to go home because she is evil, but part of Pumkin wants Chance to go home because he is part of the strongest alliance. Pumkin calls Megan up and gives her an earful. She doesn't like her, hasn't liked her since day one. She hears her shrill voice calling out her saggy boobs over and over in her head. She uses her body to manipulate the men in the house, but it is not what is important right now. What is important is that Megan is staying.
Pandemonium erupts. Hoopz asks, "What? What?" Over and over. Whiteboy stares at Pumkin like he is going to strangle her with his eyes. Chance handles his dismissal with his typical aplomb screaming, "I never liked you, bitch" and getting in her face, fake punching her, and screaming obscenities. He's a real charmer. In her interview, Pumkin is so empowered and excited, shouting, "I eliminated Chance! Me!" She looks really happy. But that happiness is short-lived since she is instantly pounced on from all sides by almost everyone. She tries to fight back by telling everyone to "play personally, not strategically." Everyone screams at her. Pumkin gets really upset. Real gets up and gets in her face, threatening, screaming and smashing his hand into his fist. Chance calls her a bee-yotch as he walks off. He shouts that no one will have her back, and calls her a dirty effing rat and a whole bunch of other words. Pumkin looks positively terrified. Craig just stands there. He looks a little scared too. Whiteboy stays in his seat with his head in his hands in shock and awe that his boy is gone. Real walks up to him, kisses him on the head, and tells him that it is on. Really. He kissed him. Maybe there is more to The Stallionaires and their so-called alliance than I realized. Whiteboy calmly addresses the camera with crazy eyes blazing. Real chimes in looking like a thug and acting like a wife beater claiming that Pumkin made an enemy for life. Whiteboy adds that his entire alliance is out for Pumkin. I hope Craig has moved into Casa Crabs, because as much drama as there was in The Vault, that drama has spilled out into the house. I'm a little scared for Pumkin. I'm a little proud too.
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