Previously on I Love Money: It's the greatest love story of our time! Heat and Destiney... no wait, make that Destiney and The Entertainer? Chance doesn't play well with others, except Whiteboy and Real. Toastee threw Nibblz under the bus as payback for their bad blood from Flavor of Love. And Boston garnered something less than disgust from his teammates for winning a challenge... by beating up a girl.
Night falls on Casa Desperado. Drunk Destiney asks Mr. Boston when he's going to get "plowed"; he threatens to flash everyone when and if he gets drunk, but Destiney aptly points out that he wouldn't be the first. I'd add that he won't be the last. Boston gloats about his team's momentary lead over the Gold Team but fears The Stallionaires' alliance. He discusses breaking up that alliance with Heat and Destiney. Heat's in, but Destiney's too smashed for such complicated calculations.
So, instead of division, she contemplates multiplication when accompanying Heat to his bedroom. He interviews that things are going smoothly... that is, until The Entertainer interruptus-es their coitus. He claims he's ready to move in on the dark beauty (Destiney, not Heat!), but he'll have to take a number because Heat is all kinds of nestled in Destiney's breasts.
Downstairs, 12 Pack and Heather's trucker hat share a romantic interlude. He believes her best attributes are her affinity toward partying and stripping. I bet she can also shoot off a mean spud gun. Heather admits she was glad 12 Pack came on the show, and they swap spit. She does fear, however, that an intra-team romance will affect her game.
The morning, CJ sends the teams a message: The new team captains will divide teammates into pairs. "This challenge is gonna be a mouthful," warns CJ. Which, of course, should be no problem for any of the ladies and -- if you believe the rumors -- 12 Pack. On the Gold Team, Rodeo and her honky-tonk badonkadonk hand over the reigns to The Entertainer, because he has the biggest mouth. He seems psyched to give his all and prove his skillz as a team player.
Meanwhile on El Teamo Pathetico, Destiney emerges from her hangover to discuss her successor. The team decides Boston's should take over since he won at Q-Tip jousting during the last challenge. He surmises that losing would allow him to nominate The Stallionaires for elimination.
Assuming that the challenge will involve eating disgusting things, the Gold Team figures out who will be paired with whom. Writing her own punch lines, Toastee says she will put anything in her mouth. Pumkin concurs that Toastee will definitely down some shit if $250 grand is at stake. To which I say, "$250 grand? Try $3.50 and a bag of Corn Nuts." So the pairs include Rodeo and Hoopz, Pumkin and Toastee, and Heather and 12 Pack. The Entertainer plans to go it alone. He believes eating Chihuahua testicles will be his red badge of courage, and he knows that if he doesn't step up he'll be imperiled.
The Green Team plans to pair one teammate who will swallow seriously disgusting stuff with one teammate who won't. The first three pairs are Heat and Destiney, Megan and Whiteboy, and Brandi C. and Real. Chance continues to prove his worthlessness by picking Boston as his partner -- only someone as lazy and useless as Chance would tap Boston to be the official team strongman. He affirms in an interview that he in no uncertain terms refuses to participate.
At the challenge, the new captains introduce themselves, and CJ asks them to discuss their teams' methodologies. The Entertainer summons his Shakespearean eloquence, summing up, "They... can work good [sic] together... they claim. I believe them." For the Green Team, Boston explains that teammates with, shall we say, more adventurous palates will compensate for their weaker partners. CJ compliments the Green Team's strategizing prowess.
Then he pulls the rug out from under them. He says that this, like all the other challenges on the show, is based on a memorable moment from one of the three VH1 serials that spawned this ugly, humiliated mutt of a show. Today's challenge was inspired by a kiss between New York and Flavor Flav that lasted more than 90 minutes, and whaddaya know? We get a 30-second flashback of said kiss. Excuse me for just a moment, will you? (Insert heaving sounds here.)
The challenge is called "The Kiss-Off," and it's a good, old-fashioned kissing marathon. Heather and 12 Pack, Heat and Destiney laugh at the expense of the others, while Chance does a quintuple take and raises his homophobia flag. To be fair, it might not be homophobia so much as utter disgust at the prospect of making out with Mr. Boston. Frankly, I wouldn't kiss him either...
Chance vows not to participate. Unsurprisingly, Boston is game for kissing Chance, as long as they don't have to use tongues. I would also recommend he get some rubbing alcohol -- and maybe some white-hot flames -- to cleanse his tongue afterward. On the list of all things disgusting, diseased, and abnormal that could approach Boston's lips, Chance's tongue is pretty high up. Everyone continues to laugh Carrie-style at Chance, and he recedes further into Fred Phelps territory by telling Boston not to even look at him. Chance shrugs the challenge off, saying it's silly. To which I ask, "What show do you think you're on?!"
And it gets even more complicated, we learn, because if Chance refuses to kiss Boston, his entire team will be disqualified. Chance hop-scotches over to the dark side, admitting he would rather commit incest and kiss his brother than kiss Boston. In the spirit of this "silly" game, Boston tries to give Chance a pat on the shoulder, but Chance violently shudders him off. CJ is all, "Whoa!" This is totally turning into Jenny Jones circa 1995.
CJ dissolves the tension by telling The Entertainer he's off the hook since he doesn't have a partner. So much for taking one for the team. Back at Asscrack Mountain, Boston attempts to convince Chance, who is retching, just to kiss him for half a second. He really sweetens the offer by blowing his big honkin' nose into a towel, which leaves a trail of snot on his face. Boston VOs that he'll put aside his "pride" (note he does not say "dignity") to win. Chance VOs that he wants to die.
CJ tries to get things moving along. Devious Heather smartly brings up Best Week Ever and TMZ as a few of the reasons why Chance shouldn't kiss a dude on national TV. If Chance had any possibility of flipping, that margin is now slimming down faster than Keira Knightley.
CJ finally moves this nonsense forward. He's going to count down from five, and if all teammates aren't locking lips at that point, their team will be disqualified. Chance requests some rubbing alcohol (I called it!) as Boston sweats like a pig in heat and tries one last time to allure Chance. CJ starts the countdown. Visions of Heather's mocking swirl around in Chance's head. He ultimately refuses to play along. Boston admits that he didn't lean in for the kiss because he might have been bitch-slapped.
As the Gold Team celebrates its victory, Heat lobs a towel at Chance. A towel-thrower himself, Chance threatens to beat Heat down. Heat VOs that Chance is single-handedly bringing down the team. Heat paces around as Chance continues to scream. Destiney idiotically takes up for Heat, and a cursing battle ensues. Destiney calls Chance out for refusing to participate in two of three challenges. He turns the tables and calls her out for... her flat ass? She responds like a true icon of sophistication and moons him.
Destiney gives all women a bad name as she stomps into a corner and starts blubbering. Seizing this opportunity to snake his way into her heart, The Entertainer comforts Destiney. She snivels about being premenstrual. He says that he, too, sometimes wants to cry. What a sensitive soul! Destiney takes the bait and gets pissed that Heat didn't come to her aid when she defended him.
CJ reminds The Entertainer that, as Paymaster, he has the dubious honor going on an outing with the three Green Team members up for elimination. He revels in the power in an interview and screams "The Green Team can just KISS MY ASS!" Rageholic, much?
So now the Green Team is in jeopardy, thanks to Chance. Real says that no one understands where his brother was coming from. However, instead of explaining why Chance was so spooked by the prospect of giving Boston a teensy-weensy peck, he stumbles into a rant that ends with him saying his teammates are strippers who fuck goats. And he's not even on Toastee and Pumkin's team! Boston, on the other hand, is less than distraught that his team lost since it'll give him the chance to put The Stallionaires up for elimination.
Back at Home Sweet Homophobe, Destiney confronts Heat for not standing up for her. He seems genuinely taken aback. She doesn't buy it, though, because she's too busy getting a snow job from The Entertainer, who quickly points out that he would have stood up for her (which he didn't, by the way) if he were in that situation. They hug as he restates his intentions to play her like a fiddle.
The string sonata continues in the pool where the new lovebirds are luxuriating. Destiney says she loves to dance. He asks her if she ever tap danced. I bet she'll give you something to tap, buddy. The Entertainer relishes this timeout from his dominating parents, as well as his position as Paymaster. He also claims to be "dating" Destiney. I believe "dating" means "effing in the A" in I Love Money parlance.
The Entertainer moves their flirtation one step further and dares Destiney to help him beat New York and Flav's kissing record. Ever the coquette, Destiney chips in that he did say he was a good kisser. He affirms the he "has a magic tongue." Destiney swoons that The Entertainer is a good guy. She also tellingly notes that, duh, he's the Paymaster. You mean she's not in this for true love? No!
Over by the hedge, Boston and 12 Pack discuss who should stay and go. Megan lingers nearby showing off her tits and looking dumb. To my reckoning, she's thinking either, "Yay, strategery!" or "Whee! Retarded dogs and rainbows and lollipops! Lalalalalala." I tend to opt for the latter. Boston and 12 Pack decide that the hot chicks and Boston should stay, while the Stallionaires should go. They pound it out, and Megan stands by the wayside, pondering which of her bathing suits best shows off her front bum.
Boston leaves, and Megan starts flirting shamelessly with 12 Pack. He admits that she's hot (a 9.5 out of 10) because of her bangin' body and fake boobs. They exchange a hug, then she tries to get him to kiss her. All the while, The Entertainer watches from the pool. He calls Megan an untrustworthy troublemaker.
He leaves the pool (probably after peeing in it) to discuss his growing... um... crush on Destiney with Heat. He throws it out there that, even though Heat and Destiney have a thing (mutual STDs, for example), Heat shouldn't be upset if he sees The Entertainer kissing Destiney. The editors' zany comic sensibilities kick in as we see buzzards circling and hear a raging bull's snorts as Heat blows smoke from his nostrils. Heat is clearly and rightly miffed by The Entertainer's encroachment, but he squelches it for strategic reasons, summoning his best De Niro face to says it's okay. Then he bitches to everyone else about this stupid "love" triangle and how it could jeopardize his chances.
Elsewhere, Boston consults the great tactical minds of Megan and Brandi C. re: The Stallionaires. 12 Pack interrupts their conversation when he stumbles over and starts slurring up a seductive storm at Megan. Heather is watching all this with bitch face poised. 12 Pack says Heather trusts him and has no reason not to. Brandi C. responds that he's been cooped up too long -- for all of the 23 minutes that he's been flirting with Heather. Megan, for her part, sees this as a perfect opportunity to cause dissension in the ranks of the Gold Team.
She scurries over to Heather to tattle that 12 Pack was hitting on her. Heather reminds us that she has trust issues after she tattooed a man's name on her neck and was shown the door. She is rightly concerned about looking like an a-hole again on national TV. And when you're feeling all kinds of paranoid and misty over a guy, what do you do? Consume lots of alcohol! She runs around, drinking and whispering to everyone who will listen about 12 Pack's deception.
Like a gay, stripping reverse-Romeo, 12 Pack, standing on the balcony above, overhears her spewing vitriol to The Entertainer and Destiney. She calls him out for making her look stupid, and he's all "Then don't trust me [ya crazy bitch]!" Having a lick of sense between them, The Entertainer and Destiney question Megan's motives in bringing this flirtation to Heather. He sees a chance to simultaneously reunite his team, demonstrate his diplomacy skillz, and show his teammates he's the best team captain ever. He issues a warning to Megan (and her little dog, too!) that their time is up.
The day, Destiney and The Entertainer have an afterglow cuddle, which is soon cut off when the Green Team must visit The Vault. Mr. Boston predicts the worst -- that someone might leave this little meeting in a body bag. He delays the beatdown with some old-school corporate consensus build re: how they should nominate players for elimination.
To his credit, Chance mans up and says that the vote should start with him since he got them in this jam. Of course everyone besides Real and Whiteboy vote for him to go. Then it's Whiteboy's turn, and the same five players (everyone but the Stallionaires) vote for him. Chance sees this pattern and starts to question whether he is being voted out because he didn't participate or because there's a reverse alliance. Last time I checked, they weren't mutually exclusive, fella. He now says Heat, Megan, and either Destiney or Brandi C. should bounce. Whiteboy tries to take the reins and suggests Megan's ouster. He suspects The Entertainer will get rid of her since she's destructive for the Gold Team.
They're still at odds when CJ comes back and asks if there are any checks in the box. Since that's a big, fat no, he brings the Gold Team back and allows them to choose the three players on the chopping block. Despite team discussions to the contrary, The Entertainer chooses Megan first for personal reasons. Then he picks Heat, also for personal reasons, but adds that he might send Heat home if he finds out that he lied about his feelings (or lack thereof) for Destiney. Finally, he picks Mr. Boston. Everyone is flummoxed. 12 Pack wanted him to pick Whiteboy, but The Entertainer thinks Boston is playing dumb so he won't appear to be a threat. Now, however, his teammates are questioning his decisions as team captain more than ever.
Some time later, three men and a little skanky head for their "Power Outing" at a poolside cabana with an ocean view. To ensure they're riled up, loose-lipped, and cloudy of judgment, the outing will be a wine tasting. Boston says all bets are off as he threatens to "pull a Toastee" and break his leg. And with that astute observation, maybe The Entertainer has something -- Mr. Boston could just be smarter than he lets on. Apropos of this, Boston begins looking "faint," then swoons and hyperventilates over the table. For the coup de grace, he turns to his left to upchuck into the sand. Ever the gentleman, The Entertainer coins the show's new slogan, "Sir, can you please get this man a bucket?"
Heat jumps around like a monkey and Megan swills her wine as the pukestravaganza carries on. The Entertainer carries on eating as Boston notes boogers are floating in his retch. Later by the pool, Boston reveals that all of this explosive vomit was part of an ingenious gambit to appear weak. He adds, ever delusional, that he hopes the scheme doesn't hurt his chances with Megan. He concludes his performance by running and falling face-first into the sand. Heat finally takes a flying dive and crashes down on Boston with his elbow. Though unexpected, this move plays into Boston's plot by giving him a bloody nose.
The Entertainer continues to be unfazed, and persists in his line of questioning about Destiney. Heat panders and dishes out faux-respectful handshakes, but The Entertainer is still suspicious and plans to send him home if he finds out Heat still has feelings for Destiney.
Then he turns his attention to Megan and asks why she is uncharacteristically quiet. He tries to make her dig her own hole by asking why she is in the bottom three. She's onto him and says he doesn't like her. He reams her out for being fake and deceitful, and she earns her blonde bimbette reputation by summoning a few crocodile tears. Having probably had about 45 girlfriends that cried to make him stop yelling (maybe because they were fake bitches... or maybe because he's a rageaholic), The Entertainer wraps up but maintains that he doesn't trust Megan.
Back at Villa Syphilla, The Entertainer chats with Whiteboy, who claims that Destiney tried to put him in the bottom three because she was defending Heat. We didn't see this, but it conveniently helps Whiteboy put both Heat and Destiney in peril. Whiteboy seals the deal by saying Destiney still has feelings for Heat. The Entertainer takes this into consideration, then heads upstairs, where he mutters things about stabbing people. He claims he doesn't know whom he'll stab, but I'd stake my $250 grand that Heat should be on the lookout for glinting objects. The Entertainer clearly wants to continue "tap dancing" with Destiney... even if she's using him.
Later that night, everyone's lined up for elimination. Boston gloats, "If The Entertainer were bright, he'd send me home," because of all his tricks and deceptions. As our paranoid Paymaster walks out to greet the condemned, Heat talks shit about Megan and her troublemaking. The Entertainer notes the Megan is wearing -to-nothing.
CJ asks the endangered contestants who they would rather see go home. Boston gives Megan about 43 once-overs and says he'd rather see her stay around. Heat slurs that he wants Megan to go home. The Entertainer observes that Heat is sloshed and takes this as proof that he still has feelings for Destiney. I'd say it's more proof that he on this show, but that's just me. Megan says she wants Boston to stay because he's "growing on her." Because he is required to by contract, Boston whips out an obligatory erection double entendre. The other teammates laugh way too hard to express their amusement-cum-shock. If they didn't see that one coming a mile away, then they're dumber than I give them credit for. Boston claims "The Boston Charm" is creeping up on Megan (like a spider or a tick, right?). I'm guessing it has about the same effect time as a roofie.
For his first choice, The Entertainer invites Boston to stay. He bought into Boston's sick shtick. Boston VOs that it was no surprise. I'm sure it's also no surprise to Megan and Heat that they're left to duke it out for second-crappiest player in a field of astoundingly crappy players. Megan knows why she might go home, saying it's not the smartest decision and -- turns out! -- The Entertainer's not the smartest guy. Heat gets more personal, saying he deserves the money and his family needs it.
As Megan's and Heat's tits await the verdict, The Entertainer VOs his reasons for not trusting either of them. he gives a check to Heat. Douchebag-going-to-the-club music thumps in the background as Heat strides up in (get this) American flag shorts. I think that's a voiding offense right there. Brandi C. brings out the look I like to refer to as "blow-up doll caught by surprise" when she subtracts realizes her blonde bimbo doppelganger is "VOID" (of brains, personality... you name it!).
But wait! The Entertainer was just pulling our chains. He summoned Heat to give him the boot. The Entertainer explains that he couldn't take the awkwardness. The Entertainer smirks the twist of fate that he was dumped by his girlfriend and sent packing by his girlfriend's new boyfriend all in one day. Whiteboy takes a bit of credit for sending Heat home, implying that he can use The Entertainer's emotional side against him later. Heat gives a pretty useless and forlorn exit interview. He looks pretty stunned, and I think the saddest part is that he really buys into this whole franchise. Like, his dreams were just crushed. As if, in his mind, he was King Arthur, Destiney his Guinevere, and The Entertainer Lancelot. Or maybe he's just sad that he's going back to the real world where humping for air time doesn't exist and not every girl is a stone-cold slut.
Megan strides up to collect her check, and The Entertainer warns her not to cause anymore problems. She VOs that he has the wrong impression of her and that she is, and I quote, "a nice, sweet, innocent girl." Then she gives a tell-tale sideways glance. I call bullshit.
After CJ bids them good night, Destiney reveals that she's only somewhat sad to see Heat go because she really didn't like him all that much -- and he kept leaving grease marks on her pillow... The Entertainer admits he hasn't come that far from his parents' basement, but he's just happy to have found Destiney. Whiteboy breaks up the love fest, foretelling that things are starting to get "real real" up in there since both sides are gunning for him.
week: Chicken catapulting, scorpion eating, and showering with Boston! 12 Pack promises he won't vote off Boston and Megan if they throw the challenge. Whiteboy immediately becomes suspicious, and it all comes to a head in The Vault, leading to a physical battle and Boston's lapse into (crocodile?) tears.
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