Last week on I Love Money, the teams formed after a challenge involving stuffing money down players' bikinis. Hoopz and Whiteboy were most successful at stripperobics, earning them spots as team captains and first dibs not only on which hos and would-be-pimps would join them on their respective teams, but also which player would go home. In the end, Midget Mac and his much-needed subtitles were rendered "VOID" after he managed to offend pretty much everyone -- no small feat in this esteemed group.
It's a new day in the Ninth Circle, and Mr. Boston wakes up to a stream of water that 12 Pack pours on his face. 12 Pack subsequently interviews that he has a strong team... of which Boston is not a member. His teammates, instead, are Heather, Hoopz, Rodeo, The Entertainer, Toastee, Pumkin, and Nibblz. On behalf of the Green Team, Chance lets out a stream of gibberish that translates roughly to "My team sucks," but reminds us of his alliance with Real and Whiteboy. Also on the green team, we have Megan, Brandi C., Destiney, Heat, and Mr. Boston. Out at the reflecting pool, Nibblz porpoises around and affirms that she will prove herself to her teammates this week. She already did push-ups for them, so that's one down. Only about five million other questionable traits to go!
CJ sends a message to the teams about their first challenge. Their first order of business is to pick new team captains. They will rotate team captain before every challenge, and no one player can be team captain two weeks in a row. CJ concludes his message by telling them the winning team will have immunity "and all the power," while the losing team will have to elect three suckers for the chopping block.
Chance immediately jumps at the opportunity to become Team Captain. Destiney VOs that his leadership skillz are in question. We flash back to Chance refusing to participate in the last challenge by comparing his hair to Teen Wolf. Awesome. Boston also doubts Chance's prowess but plans to lay back and gain trust while forming brilliant machinations for his Bullshitvik Revolution.
Rodeo unanimously wins Gold Team captain. 12 Pack suggests team members discuss their strengths. Nibblz admits she's for shit at teamwork but can arm wrestle like a mofo. Pumkin's greatest skill, which will surely be used in all the trials to come, is... cheerleading! Bitch even admits she's "one of the weakest members on the team...if not the weakest." Rodeo awkwardly tries to encourage Pumkin but, in an interview, admits that Pumkin and Toastee are the lamest players. Gold Team concludes with a huddle where they can barely manage to shout in unison. Go team!
Upon seeing the Gold Team bonding, Destiney laments her team's lack of solidarity. She and Heat caucus about Chance's less-than-proactive leadership style (during his reign of approximately 20 minutes). Destiney decides to take charge and opens up the floor for her teammates to reveal their strengths and weaknesses.
Apropos of this, Whiteboy enthusiastically shouts that he can rock-climb (again, uber-useful on this show, I'm sure) and begins to climb the bedroom wall. Instead of shutting down this tomfoolery, all the guys (save Heat) start to try their hands at climbing. The meeting descends into chaos as quickly as it began, and Heat mourns how retarded his teammates are. Also? Boston can't even climb a windowsill, so if rock climbing actually is a challenge, they're totally screwed. Heat gets more and more frustrated, which Whiteboy decides makes him the weak link. Heat predicts their swiftly approaching doom. Commercials.
Back at the meeting, Destiney continues to groan over Chance's lack of leadership. Boston gets behind her (har har) in her move to seize the captain slot. Whiteboy suddenly deciding that Destiney (whom he calls Heather, whoops!) should actually be captain. Way to keep that alliance strong, Cappy! Chance walks off because, frankly, my dears, he doesn't give a damn. Now if there were weed at stake, then we'd see the stallion come out of Chance. Destiney inaugurates her term as Head Nimrod by saying they should all put their differences aside, then vows to take her team to victory.
And now it's challenge time! Destiney and Rodeo introduce themselves as the new captains. CJ tells them that, if they guide their team to success, they will become the "Paymaster" and will decide which losing team member goes home. The first challenge, we learn, is called "Bed Battle," and it pays homage to the infamous Flavor of Love 2 throwdown in which Saphyyri beat a bitch down then offered her some lip balm.
In this challenge, two players stand in between two lines on the center of a huge, tacky bed that has been hung in the air. Then they battle against each other with American Gladiators-style jousting sticks that, for no reason whatsoever, have bouquets of flowers affixed to the side. If a player steps out of the center boundaries, that side will collapse and possibly send him/her into the water. Falling into the water, touching the suspension cables for balance, and dropping a stick is grounds for disqualification. Nibblz -- she of the excellent one-on-one skills -- isn't sure how well she'll do. If this challenge involves sticking her ass in another player's face, she'd be fine. Since it does not, though, only time will tell.
CJ tells the captains their only strategizing power lies in the order they choose their players. While 12 Pack and Whiteboy are amped to summon their inner Gladiators, Mr. Boston admits that he's a total weakling and would benefit the team best by not participating at all. And. It's. On.
Gold Team wins a coin toss and chooses to see who Green Team picks as its first player, then elect a challenger. Green Team captain Destiney chooses Whiteboy; Gold Team head Rodeo selects 12 Pack. The men whip out their sticks and get down to business. 12 Pack goes to town, while Whiteboy throws a few hits but mainly waits for him to mess up or lose his balance. 12 Pack takes the bait, oversteps his bounds, and makes one side of the bed collapse. He simultaneously violates the rest of the rules by hanging on the suspension cables and dropping his stick in the water. 12 Pack fears his team has no chance without him.
The Entertainer faces Heat , and the much-touted Destiney love triangle starts to unwind. The Entertainer thinks imagining his father's head on Heat's body will motivate him to beat the crap out of Heat. Very healthy... maybe he'll use some of that $250 thousand for therapy. Though they come out strong, the guys quickly devolve into gasping old bastards, even resting on the divider in the center of the bed. Now on their knees, Heat is apparently so racked that he is having visions of The Entertainer smoking a cigarette. (You can't make this stuff up, people, so don't even try.) They persist in pathetically smacking each other until Heat drops his stick in the water. The Entertainer thinks his victory might raise him up in the eyes of Destiney.
up, it's Real versus Hoopz. Rodeo predicts that Hoopz will kick Real's ass. Real is excited to share a bed with Hoopz but less jazzed about smacking her around. Hoopz' very literal strategy is to hit Real... a lot. She does as planned, and Real demurs, refusing to really hit Hoopz hard. She eventually wins. As he lies in a crumple, Real admits that he has a crush on Hoopz, over which VH1 has so thoughtfully provided romantic visions of her beauty. He summarizes that it's hard not to like Hoopz because "she's, like, an amazing-ass person." Pure poetry!
With the Gold Team in the lead, Nibblz expects to be called up. Instead, Rodeo sends herself in. In the most bizarre and scrappy pairing yet, she will go head-to-head with Chance. Rodeo vows to break Chance in half, while Chance promises to beat Rodeo down to a pulp. Chance kick starts the battle by cracking Rodeo across the cranium. She falls into the ropes on the side and tangles herself up into a chokehold. Chance shows that he is, in fact, a gentleman and a "humanitarian" (his words) by dropping his stick to untangle Rodeo. Heather explains the teams are now tied, and they game is going into sudden death.
Whoever wins Round 5 will secure immunity and power for his or her team. So who does Destiney elect? Why Mr. Boston, of course! Rodeo, in turn, chooses Nibblz. The loser of this little Battle Royale will officially be the most worthless person on the show. Nibblz breaks out her psychopathic 'roided-up athlete persona and tries to step up to Boston to intimidate him... which would work if he weren't completely oblivious and about six inches taller than she is.
Boston figures he'll lose, but takes pleasure in the fact that he's in the ring with an actual dominatrix. Nibblz claims she eats boys like Boston for breakfast. The teammates stifle laughter as the giant bed lifts and allows people for miles around to see these two nincompoops go at it. The horn blows and... you can practically hear crickets chirping. Nibblz claims she's using Jedi mind tricks, but it looks a lot like standing around to me. Boston taunts her a bit, then jabs his stick into her stomach -- over which the editors superimpose a squeaky toy sound. That right there was worth the price of admission.
Finally, Nibblz makes her move, and Boston reciprocates. They both land some strong blows, and Boston ultimately gives Nibblz a wallop that sends her flying out of bounds. The bed collapses, Nibblz falls, Rodeo slo-mo screams "Noooooo!" Still, the Green Team wins. Boston claims it's one of the best moments of his life. That, my friends, is what we call sad-sad-sad. Also in the sad-sad-sad camp is Nibblz. So much for proving herself. She's less concerned, though, about facing her teammates than her native Brooklynites, who will shoot her disgraced ass up. Chance commentates that he was shocked to see such a "wildebeest" (his words, of course) fall to "soggy Boston."
CJ reminds Green Team Captain Destiney that she'll choose which Gold Team member to void. While Destiney checks her bags for this power trip, Boston tags along. At home, he regales his teammates with the play-by-play of the battle they just saw, then indulges for a bit in the delusion that this has made him less of a dipshit than he was half an hour ago.
Over at Gold Team HQ, Pumkin freaks out that she's going to be sent home since Megan a.) hates her and b.) is pals with Destiney. Hoopz thinks the other team will send stronger competitors home first, which counts Pumkin out, but Pumkin refuses to believe the world doesn't revolve around her permatan. She finishes her rant by saying she'd rather go home than kiss anyone's ass.
The morning, the teams meet up in The Vault, where each week will see a team nominate its very own Triumvirate of Incompetents. The losing team will discuss and/or vote, then put three players' checks in a lock box to signify their place on the chopping block. He warns them they have only 15 minutes, or the other team will make the decisions for them. He ushers the Green Team out so Team Gold can figure out who sucks the most. That would definitely take me more than 15 minutes, so good luck to them...
Nibblz knows she's in danger and, sure enough, when Rodeo pulls her check, the team votes for her check to go in the box. It's no surprise that they also elect Pumkin and Toastee. Pumkin bursts into tears and reiterates her refusal to kiss ass, as well as her certainty that she'll be sent home. Rodeo straight-forwardly interviews that they're the team's three weakest links, and she wants to keep the strongest players. She totally set this up, and I love it.
The Gold Team re-enters the room, and CJ reads out the names of the Un-Marvelous Three. Megan confirms Pumkin's suspicions that she wants her gone. Three cheers for predictability! Pumkin sobs as she tries to figure out if there is anything redeemable about herself that she can tell Destiney before elimination.
Before they leave to contemplate the three hags' fates, CJ shatters any pleasure Destiney can take from her position of power by telling her that she has to go on a "Power Outing" with the condemned. Supposedly it's for her to make a better decision and for the bottom-dwellers to plead their cases, but I think it's really just sadistic punishment. Given Nibblz' experience with the S&M, she might just sweep this bitch.
As they head out, Pumkin claims that she's the smartest one of the three of them. She plans to conspire with Toastee to derail Nibblz. Toastee has a personal stake since Nibblz outed her as a porn star on Flavor of Love. The two of them work on the assumption that Destiney will send the strongest players home and quickly realize that Nibblz' physical strength could be used against her.
The ménage-a-tramp and Destiney head into a cantina and grab about 14 margaritas each before settling in for some Mexican entertainment. The performers pull them up on stage for dancing, but it ends up looking more like a stomp-off on America's Top Meth Face. As they dance, Toastee reveals her devious plan to act weak and grabs the chance to fake-sprain her ankle. Destiney looks on with concern as Toastee emits a symphony of moans and groans (which she picked during her amateur porn days, I'm sure). Here's praying the Mexicans treat this injury like they would a race horse or a dog fight mishap, and take her out back to shoot her.
No dice. The four "ladies" sit down to discuss strengths and weaknesses. Destiney, who hadn't yet dreamed up the strategy of eliminating the strongest player, and thus laps up Pumkin's less-than-subtle suggestion to do so. She even says, "Pumkin's actually making a lot of sense right now." Granted, at the time she was slurping up her margarita like a cactus stores water in the desert. She proceeds to totter into Pumkin's web, asking Nibblz about her physical strength. Sensing she's being railroaded, Nibblz is baffled whether to play up her skills and smarts, or act like a simpering asshole. Not really an issue, though, since Pumkin doesn't give her the chance to speak before throwing her under the drunk bus. Pumkin's assault reeks of desperation. Toastee frosts this rancid cake by flat-out telling Destiney to keep Pumkin or herself. Nibblz knows she's been bamboozled.
Back at the house, Mr. Boston has convinced Brandi C. and Megan to give him a bikini massage for winning the challenge. Boston pulls off his board shorts to reveal (what else?), the zebra print thong from I Love New York. Megan grouses about Boston's pimply ass, but the bimbettes stick to their promise.
Back at the Power Outing, Destiney gets one-on-one time with one of the undesirables. Because she's an imbecile, she chooses Pumkin. Since she already convinced Destiney that Nibblz is a threat (ha!), Pumkin plans to wrap up the excursion with a one-two punch of bullshit. Destiney starts the chat by basically telling Pumkin she has become a fat ass since Flavor of Love. Pumkin sees her window and lies that she developed an eating disorder after being grossly obese. "I coulda kicked all your asses by just sitting on you," she wails through tears. As a result, sweet, gullible Destiney feels guilty for hitting a nerve and VOs that this information could work in Pumkin's favor. They walk off arm-in-arm, and Pumkin promises to have Destiney's back. And, Destiney? I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you while we're at it.
Later, Destiney and Nibblz help Toastee "hobble" back into the house. Toastee's pretty cocky that no one will catch wise, but the trick's on her because even Chance calls bullshit fairly soon. Destiney interviews that she doesn't trust Toastee and is beginning to think that she should get rid of the weaker players because they're lying sons of bitches.
And which of those lying rat bastards will go home? Let's see! As elimination starts, Pumkin admits she's worried her ruse will backfire. Nibblz states the obvious, that keeping Pumkin around will equal lots of drama and a general pain in the ass for everyone. Toastee chips in that she wants Nibblz to get stung by karma after Nibblz got Toastee banished from Flavor Flav's heart. And, yeah, she did call her a porn star, which sucks. But, coincidentally, so does Toastee! She admitted in the Meet The All-Stars special that the porn photo in question was of her performing fellatio. You are a porn star, girl! Own it. And watch your back if you ever hear cheap pleather stilettos clomping and whip cracking behind you because it'll be Nibblz coming to collect her quarter-million dollars.
The safe teammates watch on as Destiney confronts the Tres Hoochies. Dumb, dear Destiney chooses Pumkin as the first to stay, claiming she could take her in a fight. Pumkin gloats. Nibblz notes the irony of her fateful pairing with Toastee. Destiney again weighs both their pros and cons, and admits she doesn't know who to trust. In the end, she chooses Toastee, who "limps" forward to collect her check. In her follow-up interview, she pats herself on the back for her Oscar-worthy acting. I'd say she's more worthy of an AVN Award, but who am I to judge?
With that, CJ renders Nibblz' check (and her televised life) "VOID." She cries a little as she heads away. Destiney says the decision came down to Nibblz' physical strength. As the door hits Nibblz on the ass, Pumkin and Toastee redeposit their checks in the lock box. 12 Pack chivalrously carries Toastee away, and she vows not to tell anyone she faked the injury. The teams disperse as 12 Pack predicts that the game is going to get dirty and that people's true allegiances will come to the fore.
week: Chance threatens Heat, and Destiney gets upset when she steps up but gets no back-up from Heat. (But can you blame him? His primary female role models are his yia yia and New York?) The Entertainer seizes this opportunity to comfort-slash-hit on Destiney. Elsewhere, Heather loses trust in 12 Pack. The Entertainer confronts Megan for her lies and drama. She claims she's "misunderstood," by which she means she doesn't understand... English, like at all.
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