By Lady Lola
Heat and 12 Pack jump on their beds like first-class dill weeds. Brokeback-style music plays as they talk about some business they formed that we don't care about. Nearby, Destiney from Rock of Love 2 happily greets Heather, who once convinced her to do a naked cartwheel, and is presently bringing up the booze. She has taken a shining to 12 Pack, who she calls the male version of her. (I'm guessing she has an extremely low and contempt-riddled opinion of herself.) Heat and Destiney, Heather and 12 Pack are all feeling each other and plan to share a room. Heat incorporates the word "orgy." For his part, The Entertainer stakes his claim for sloppy seconds on Destiney if it doesn't work out with Heat. Classy.
Apropos of this, Heat proposes an alliance before a single herpe has the chance to drop. He proposes (to 12 Pack mainly), "You. Me. Heather. Destiney. Badaboom." And... sold! 12 Pack anticipates a similar pact between brothers Real and Chance, and Whiteboy. Cut to said gruesome threesome and Whiteboy's recap of their bromancing on I Love New York. Whiteboy is careful to couch their impending alliance, calling it a "bond."
While many are already worrying about alliances, others are just hoping to find a place to sleep. Namely, Mr. Boston. Because nobody likes him. The math genii among the I Love Money contestants have ascertained that there are 17 contests -- but only 16 beds. Any casual fan of Top Model knows that means someone is getting skadooshed before night first falls.
Boston tries to charm his way into Toastee's bed. She gives him a courtesy laugh when he says they don't have to do anything... but if they do, he can "go all night." But let's just backtrack: A courtesy laugh from an amateur porn star. Yikes. He continues his noble quest with Megan and fellow blonde bimbo Brandi C. from Rock of Love, but they find him creepy. Their solution? Hide one of the beds. Yeah, and when there's a leaky faucet, try putting some bubble gum on it. Works every time!
The day, CJ invites the kids out for a big ol' cock tease. He offers to sign a check for $250,000 for each of them, right then and there if they explain how the money will help their lives. Mr. Boston kicks off with some sputtering and stuttering about made-up girlfriends. "Real," Boston's formidable competitor from I Love New York calls a spade a spade and predicts that Boston will, in fact, use the money to procure more blow-up dolls. Boston continues to natter on about Ferraris and pimping on the Sunset Strip as CJ signs the check. Just before he hands the check over to Boston, though, CJ explains that all the checks will be kept in a lockbox. As each contestant is eliminated, the checks will be rendered void. It's a surprisingly appropriate cultural allegory for this show. You lose, you're worthless, thanks for playing!
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