When Barney is nervously waiting for something to happen, he imagines himself being interviewed by CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz (playing himself). So although this episode still includes an opening shot of Ted's kids in 2030, and Saget!Ted's narration, most of it is told from Barney's POV -- or at least from future-Ted's image of Barney's point of view. The subject of Jim Nantz's interview is Barney's latest attempt to have a perfect week -- that is, sleeping with seven women in seven days. There are references to baseball's superstitions surrounding the "perfect game," and Nantz and NPH do a bang-up job (sorry) with their part of the story.
Whenever interview-Barney flashes back to his latest conquest, we get to see not only how he did, but how the rest of the gang is doing. And? They're not doing so well. Marshall and Lily strike out with yet another prospective friend-couple. This time, they don't mess it up by trying too hard. Instead, everything goes to hell when they unwittingly admit to sharing a single toothbrush. On purpose. They find themselves in a real pickle when we learn that while they lived with Ted, he was sharing one with them, too, unbeknownst to all at the time. Additionally, Ted has new students this semester, and one of them is a young Asian woman named "Cook Pu." When Ted reads the roster, he balks, assumes the students are playing a prank on him, and gets so into his own poo jokes that he misses the poor woman trying to tell him that's actually her name. Things are foul for Robin, too. Oh, she's doing her best to ignore Barney's latest sex quest, and she's gone on a date with some guy named Dale, but she really isn't into him. She plans to give him the brush-off when he calls for a second date, but as each day passes with no call from Dale, Robin likes him a little bit more. By the end of the episode, he's her soulmate. And? He still hasn't called. Barney's other-than-sex life isn't going so well, either. A big deal he was working fell through, and Marshall reports to the gang that Barney may lose his job. Typically, Lily wants Barney to talk about it, and Barney would rather do anything but, and in her persistence, Lily (with an unintentional assist from New York Yankee Nick Swisher) almost costs Barney his perfect week.
The structure of the episode is complex, even for HIMYM, but I've got some Barney fatigue, and more specifically some Barney's-such-a-ho fatigue, so by the time the whole gang started pulling together help Barney land the last conquest needed for his perfect week, I started hoping he'd fail. In fact, I expected him to fail. When he succeeded, I assumed his GNB job was toast. But no, Barney got the girl(s) and kept the job, and this episode felt like it went nowhere except possibly backwards. I mean hey, it's a sitcom and a good one, but if I weren't writing up the weecap tomorrow, I don't know that I'd be rushing to watch this episode again. I'm crossing my fingers that it improves upon re-watch.
Tomorrow, I'll cover all the details, including quotes and the end tag, in the full weecap. In the meantime, come on over to the forum, where we know better than to talk about your perfect game er... mother.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then add "perfect game" to our HIMYM Dictionary!
Are you ready for a quick and dirty weecap -- as quick and dirty as a matinee with Barney when he's on a sex quest? Good, because that's all I've got to give. Saget!Ted tells his kids that everyone has his own way of dealing with nerves. Personally, I played Bejeweled Blitz, but Uncle Barney copes by imagining CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz is interviewing him. Cut to Barney in a waiting area. A receptionist tells him "it should just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson." The actual Jim Nantz magically appears in the other chair and the show begins. Nantz notes every sport has its greats (e.g. boxing: Ali; basketball: Jordan) and "The sport of Sleeping with Random Hotties has my guest." Barney's happy to be back on the show and listens intently as Nantz recounts his stats: "Over 200 women spanning six continents; 17 nationalities; 74 sexual positions; and not a single fatty." Send your complaints [and any issues with their low hottie count - Zach] to Bays, Thomas, Nantz, or CBS, please. I have 2 new hours of Lost to cover this week. Anyhow, Nantz goes on to say that "one laurel" has always eluded Barney. I grew up with a Laurel. I hope it was her. Oh, wait, they mean the... thing. Oh, forget this nonsense. Although the show doesn't reveal Barney's feat immediately, I'll just get it out of the way: it's the perfect week -- seven women in seven days. We flash back from Barney's Nantz fantasy interview to a week ago at...
MacLaren's; Night One: Barney, sitting with Ted, Marshall and Lily at the booth, closes his eyes and points towards the bar. Ted, in awed tones, says, "He's calling his shot." Whichever girl he picks out is the one he's going home with that night. Of course he then peeks and causes his finger to aim at the pretty blonde at the bar. He rises from the booth. "And... PLAY BALL." He reaches the bar just as Robin enters and heads for the booth. Lily asks her how her date with Dale went. Robin sits to Ted. "You know sometimes, that guy with the horn-rimmed glasses and the Smurfs T-shirt is just being ironic. Sometimes, he is a dork with a lazy eye, and a love/hate relationship with Gargamel." Lily says that just because a guy is obsessed with a fictional character doesn't mean he's not husband material. Marshall: "Sasquatch isn't fictional." Me: "Since when is Robin looking for a husband? Hey, Robin. Haaaaaaave you met Ted?" The conversation is interrupted by the sight of Barney leaving the bar with Number 1, and Ted notes "That was quick." Barney does a little weird victory dance behind the woman's back and we cut back to...
MacLaren's: Robin grimaces at Lily. "That you both use?"
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Nantz leans in toward Barney. "Every day?"
DOWISETREPLA: Lily says, "Is that weird?"
We get a four-way split-screen. Robin's on the top left; Nantz is top right; Ted is lower left; Potential Friend-Couple is bottom right, they all declare: "SUPER WEIRD!" Back at MacLaren's, Ted says, "Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths." Then Robin notices that Barney's leaving the bar with Number 3. Lily says three girls in three nights "is gross, even for Barney." Ted objects. "Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a perfec--" Marshall holds out his hand and babbles loudly so that Ted won't finish saying "perfect week" -- 'cause you never talk about it when it looks like a pitcher is in the midst of a perfect game. Marshall sneers. "You'll jinx it." Lily didn't read the top of the weecap where I spilled the beans on the "perfect week" so she doesn't yet understand the concept. Tsk. We cut to the Fantasy Nantz Interview so that Barney can do the reveal: "I was on my way toward...A Perfect Week." Like I said.
(Told you this was quick and dirty.)
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Barney defines the term: "Seven nights; seven girls; zero rejections." Nantz equates it to baseball's perfect game, but says it's even rarer. Barney says that "Mustache Pete Drexel" was the only person in history to have achieved both -- back in 1896. [Cut to sepia-toned picture of what looks like Barney dressed as an old-timey baseball player, complete with -- yup -- mustache. - Z] Nantz narrates some of Barney's attempts at a perfect week. "Sometimes a teammate makes an error." (Flashback to Ted spilling drinks on Barney's target.) "Sometimes, one wild pitch... (flashback to Barney suggesting to a woman that they leave MacLaren's to get busy in the canned food aisle of a bodega) "...leads to a walk." (She walks out.) "And sometimes, you just lose focus..." (flashback to Barney hitting it off with one woman, until he obviously ogles another as she passes by) "...which always leads to a hit." (The first woman slaps Barney.) "But this week, you were three for three, with no sign of slowing down." Barney says he could do no wrong. "Wish I could say the same for my friends."
MacLaren's; Night Four: Ted feels badly that Cook didn't show up for his class that day. Marshall makes Ted say her full name for clarification purposes. Robin, Marshall and Lily giggle about "Cook Pu" until Robin's phone rings. She "knows" it's Dale until she looks at the caller ID. "Oh, it's my mom. She's going through some pretty major league health stuff." Does she freak? No. Does anyone pay it any mind? Nope. She switches of the ringer, lays the phone on the table and crosses her arms defensively. "God, why won't that guy call." Likable, writers. Likable. Please. These characters have to be basically likable or nobody's going to want them in their living rooms. Lily asks Robin if she wants Dale to call. Robin tells her to shut up and asks if she doesn't have a toothbrush to share. Ted asks when they started that habit, anyhow. Marshall points out that he should know; they all lived together for eight years. And it comes out that Ted was mistaken in his belief that he was the only person who kept his toothbrush in the bathroom. There was only one toothbrush in the whole apartment, it was stored in the bathroom, and all three of them were sharing it. Yeah. Ted starts wiping out his mouth with his napkin. Lily and Marshall are just as grossed out. Personally, I'd swish around a shot of MacLaren's strongest spirit, no matter how much time has passed. Everyone gets grossed out. Robin loves this so much she's about to burst, but everyone else wants to die. Meanwhile, Barney walks out with Number 4.
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Nantz says to Barney, "So you're through four nights -- over the hump." Barney compliments him on the pun, and they bump fists, but Nantz demurs, "Hey, I try, but I'm no you." He then sets the scene for the night the trouble started.
MacLaren's; Night Five: Barney's at the bar. At the booth, Marshall asks Ted how Barney's doing; a big merger fell through at GNB and Barney's being blamed for it. Marshall thinks he's going to get fired. Over at the bar, though, Barney looks so unconcerned that he doesn't even blink when we go to commercial! After the break, Marshall says they're having a meeting on Friday to determine whether or not he keeps his job. Lily wants to go talk to him, but the guys don't want her to ruin his p*rf*ct w**k. Ted says he'll go. "He needs a bro." When he approaches Barney, Barney admits he is in need of some help. "Which one of these girls looks the dumbest?" Ted leans back. "Let's check the scouting report." He nods his head toward the wall to our right. "What about the heater?" (A woman warms her hands over MacLaren's radiator.) Barney shakes him off. , he nods towards the window. "How about high and outside?" (A pretty woman in dreads is barely visible through the window and the cloud of smoke that surrounds her. She exhales as she laughs.) Barney shakes him off, again. Ted: "All right, I'd go with the slider." Cut to a woman eating bar cheeseburgers. Barney smiles and nods. "Thanks, Skip." When he starts toward the woman, Ted swats him encouragingly on the ass, and strolls back to the booth. This sight gag is one of my two favorite moments in this episode. For the whole scene, Barney and Ted ape the posture of pitcher and coach or pitcher and catcher in conference on the mound.
Back at the dugout booth, Lily asks what Barney said. Ted says, "Oh, yeah. He's gonna take a swat at the Hamburglar over there." Lily scolds Ted for not talking to Barney about his work situation. Ted doesn't think dwelling is going to help Barney. Lily asks how ignoring it is going to help. Ted makes a crack about her ignoring dental hygiene. Lily says, "Cook Pu." At that, Robin dissolves into giggles. Ted asks if Dale has phoned yet. Robin whines. Finally, Marshall calls their attention to Barney. He's leaving the bar with Number 5.
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Nantz interrupts Barney's story to ask: "Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?" Barney's gets deadly serious (although NPH has a hard time following suit): "No, sir." Then Barney takes us back to a time when said drugs were offered. We flash back to...
DOWISETREPLA: Lily stands in the background, smiling, folding laundry, and humming contentedly. Barney's on the couch. Marshall's in the chair -- with a pillow on his lap. He says "It was awesome." He offers Barney some. Lily smiles, folds and hums. Barney turns Marshall down. Marshall tells him to suit himself. Lily continues smiling, folding and humming. Marshall asks Barney for the time. Lily: smile fold hum. Barney checks the time on his phone. "It's... uh... 8 o'clock." Lily's the same as she ever was. Marshall uses his fingers to count to four. He rises, keeping the pillow in front of him the whole time. "I need to go to the hospital." Lily's still humming when we cut back to the...
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Barney's miffed. "I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want, Jim Nantz." Nantz apologizes and hastens to introduce the night on which Barney was just "two girls away from... perfection."
Ted's Apartment: Barney walks in on the gang all sitting around the living room, drinking beers and talking. Ted says, "Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar." Barney tells him to relax. He's already six for six. He recounts the conquest: while lunching at Tavern on the Green, he met a Swedish supermodel and landed her in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. Ted smiles. "Awesome." He drops the grin. "What really happened?" Barney: "I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. Are you happy, Truthy McGee?" Hee. [I hope it's the weekend, if he's trolling for girls on Staten Island at lunch time, because that's no way to keep your job. Or maybe it was a business trip? - Z]
Barney stomps into the kitchen and heads to Ted's freezer for some ice cream. When he shuts the freezer door, Lily's standing right behind it. An ominous chord sounds as she says she knows he might get fired; he has to talk about it; it's not good to be using meaningless sex as a distraction. Lily, I think you're about 200 women too late for that speech. [Again, 200? Really? More like 200 per year, dudes. - Z] Barney protests that he and "Number 5" had a connection and then demonstrates they had no such thing. Meanwhile, back in the living room, Ted confesses that he's just learned Cook is dropping his class. Cue the jokes. Marshall, "Oh, my God. Poo dropped out?" Robin: "She is flushing her education down the toilet." Ted changes the subject to Dale. Robin argues that it's only been five days. "He's going to call." Marshall asks why she cares if she hears from someone she said was a dork. Robin yells and points her finger at Marshall; apparently, Dale's twice the man he'll ever be.
Lily and Barney return to the room, as Lily assures Barney that if he loses his job, he can stay in the extra room at Dowisetrepla. Robin mumbles, "Make sure you bring your own toothbrush." Ted and Marshall try to get her off Marshall's back. Lily says that trying to sleep with seven women in seve days is a cry for help. Ted scoffs. "Barney's whole life is a cry for help. But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a per..." Barney warns him off with his eyes. Ted shuts up. Lily waits, but when he doesn't finish, she's glad to. "What? Perfect week?" Everyone gasps in horror. Lily throws her hands up in disgust. "Oh, perfect week, perfect week, perfect week!" Barney puts down his ice cream, stands, slides by her without letting their bodies touch, and hustles out of the apartment, shuddering all the way. Before he closes the door, he leans back in and hisses. "Arrrrryyyyyyyyyyygh."
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Nantz is stunned, reminding viewers there are two things you never do. "One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms when your kids are in the room, and two, you don't jinx a man going for a perfect week." Barney doesn't know what to say except that Lily's always messing with him. When Nantz suggests she has "a thing for the Barnacle," Barney calls him an astute observer of the human condition.
MacLaren's; Night Seven: Ted and Marshall can't believe Lily jinxed Barney like that. Lily points out that Barney's hitting it off with "Third Martini Girl." When the gang is cheered by his seeming success, Lily laughs at them. "See, there's no such thing as a jinx." Robin, Ted and Marshall gasp in horror. And sure enough, the only thing that could ruin Barney's chances walks through the door: New York Yankee Nick Swisher (in a hilarious faux-hawk). Marshall can't bear to look at his wife, the jinx-er. "Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush." Heh.
As Barney's mark eyes Swisher appreciatively, Ted figures the fat lady has sung. Robin doesn't get it. Marshall and Ted explain that no guy in the city can go up against a Yankee -- even a retired Yankee can ruin another New York guy's game. Ted got "rack jacked" by Phil Rizzuto, right after he moved to town. Robin can't relate, so Lily says "Let me try to Canada that up for you, eh?" And puts it in terms she can understand: hockey and the Canucks (Lily says "Ca-chucks"). Robin says, "Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here? My panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor, halfway to China." Ted translates: "That's what it's like with the Yankees." Robin grows quiet. "Oh... Barney's screwed."
Up at the bar, Barney knows his perfect week is slipping out of his grasp. He panics and yells in his target's ear, "Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe connection." Back at the booth, Ted whispers, "He's throwing junk out there." When the girl looks over to the corner round booth and says, "That is Nick Swisher," Barney heads back toward the gang. They all "aw," him, clap and say, "good game." Barney can't believe what a waste the week has been as he laments the perfection that slipped through his fingers. Burying his head in his hands, he says, "And tomorrow, I'm going to get fired." Marshall tells Barney that the week wasn't a waste. The rest of them had a crappy week, and Barney's quest kept them going. Ted tells Barney about the first student to drop his class. Robin mourns the fact that her "soul mate" hasn't called her back. She hastily adds, "...I mean yet. He will. He will!" Marshall explains that he and Lily lost a potential friend-couple because they share a toothbrush. This brings Barney out of it for a moment. He cringes. "You share a toothbrush?!" Robin says, "Well them, and Ted." Barney says, "Wha--?" Ted: "Wait a second. When we were dating, you borrowed that toothbrush all the time." Robin's face falls. "Oh my God." At this point, I just hope the toothbrush got switched out a few times a year. Saget!Ted takes the narration reins back from Barney and explains that that's when Lily came to understand how sports can take your mind off your troubles, even for a moment, and that all of them needed that perfect week.
Lily leaps up, and we watch as she runs (in slow-mo) across the bar, to block the path between Barney's Maybe Seven and Nick Swisher. Marshall does the play-by-play. "Aldrin's got a bead on her. She's running out of room. She dives and..." Thud. Lily hits the ground at Maybe Seven's feet. Maybe Seven helps Lily to a chair and, anxious to keep her occupied, Lily asks Maybe to get her some ice for her twisted ankle. Maybe turns to do so, and we cut back to the booth. Marshall's so proud of Lily. "She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx." He, Ted and Robin gasp. Robin throws her hands up in the air. And back at...
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Jim Nantz rises from his chair and kicks it over. He turns his back to the camera and buries his head in his hands.
Before Maybe can walk away from Lily, Wendy the Waitress comes over and says, "Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily." Maybe starts making her way to the corner round booth and Swisher. Over at the gang's booth, Marshall freaks. "Swisher's back in play. Swisher's back in play!" Ted takes the lead. "Follow me." He cuts off Maybe on her way to the corner round, and yells out, "Hey, Nick Swisher. This guy and his wife share a toothbrush. Isn't that weird?" Robin and Marshall are right behind him, and together they join Swisher in his booth." Swisher thinks the toothbrush thing is kind of sweet. Pleased as punch, Marshall forgets the mission and goes over to tell Lily. Wasting no time, Barney approaches Maybe and hands her her fourth Martini of the night. She accepts it and smiles up at him with a well, let's make the best of things look.
Over in the corner round, Ted can't believe they're having a beer with a New York Yankee. Robin tries to fake like she knows baseball. "Ah, it's amazing. I totally follow baseball. Mookie Wilson... is that a thing?" Swisher laughs. "Yeah, baseball -- it's amazing, but I'll tell you one thing. It's no hockey." Robin's face lights up. "I live... right upstairs." Meanwhile, Barney and Maybe are standing right to the small round table at which Lily and Marshall are sitting. Maybe considers Barney for a moment and then... "What do you say we go back to my place?" Barney smiles even as he walks backwards toward the door. "Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, but I feel a real connection here, Seven-- uh, Christy." Barney puts her drink down on the bar, and gestures for her to lead the way. Once she's out, he turns to his friends, and they hoist him up in the air as he screams, "I DID IT!"
Fantasy Nantz Interview: Nantz congratulates him on an amazing performance. Barney says he couldn't have done it without his teammates, and then Nantz changes topics. "Do you really think you might get fired today?" Barney says he told him he doesn't want to talk about that. Nantz says, "Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so apparently you do. Think about that." He disappears in a puff of smoke. Barney mutters, "What a jerk." Nantz poofs back in. "You're a jerk." He poofs away again. Just then, the receptionist tells Barney that "Mr. Donovan will see him, now." In a conference room, we finally see Mr. Donovan (Larry Poindexter), who looks here like the unholy love child of the late great Phil Hartman and *shudder* Donald Trump. I've never watched The Apprentice, so I don't know what I'm talking about, but I wondered if this scene was supposed to bring it to mind. Anyhow, Donovan takes his seat. "Stinson, we've reached a decision." Barney waits. Finally, Donovan says, "We're keeping you on." Barney lets out a huge sigh and throws back his head. Donovan says he knows the past week must have been tough on Barney. Barney chuckles and smirks: "I barely slept."
MacLaren's: Marshall hands out baseball caps (personalized with "Seven Up Seven Down") to the gang, and proclaims them the official hats of Barney's perfect week. "I was going to do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes and feelings get hurt. It's a mess." Lily then retires the tie that Barney wore on Night Seven of his perfect week. Marshall nails it to the MacLaren's wall as he says, "May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come." Ted rolls his eyes and smirks. "Yeah. I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row." Everyone laughs.
Mosby Den; 2030: The kids look like they don't know what to say. Saget!Ted asks them, "Am I a bad dad?" Fade to black.
End Tag: As Ted is getting a beer from the bartender, Wendy the Waitress comes out with a take-out order. "Take-out order for Cook Pu. We have a number 2 over here, for Cook Pu." Ted's back is to her. He gives the gang the evil eye. They break into laughter. Ted's not amused. "You guys have Wendy saying it now. Come on, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name, and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu." Over at the alley-door end of the bar, poor Cook Pu peeks her head out from behind the guy to her and says, "Here!" Ted is mortified. He turns to face his unintentional and yet repeated victim. She gives him a dirty look, but it's worse than a dirty look, because it's a dirty, hurt, humiliated look. She grabs her bag from Wendy and hurries out of the bar. Ted sits down in defeat.
As you can tell, I didn't love this one. I hope you grade the episode up at the top of the page (see the little " was censoring out the more salacious ones. From now on, unless he specifies otherwise, I'm going to assume he's a bad dad telling them most of it.
For those of you who didn't read the recaplet, I'll repeat here that while I thought the structure of the episode was wonderfully complex, even for HIMYM, I've got some Barney fatigue, and more specifically some Barney's-such-a-ho fatigue, so by the time the whole gang started pulling together help Barney land the last conquest needed for his perfect week, I started hoping he'd fail. In fact, I expected him to fail. I'll add that I think he should have failed at something. Since he succeeded at his perfect week, I think his GNB job should have been toast. This episode felt like it went nowhere except possibly backwards. After watching it, I felt less connection to the characters than a random girl gets from Barney during a perfect week attempt.
So, grade the episode and then come on over to the forum, where we know better than to talk about your perfect game mother.
After you grade the episode and discuss this episode in our forums, add "perfect game" to our HIMYM Dictionary!
Cindy McLennan covers How I Met Your Mother, The Vampire Diaries, and Lost for Television Without Pity. You can write to her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or follow her on Twitter.