Ted meets a PhD candidate. She's hot. She's cool. She's Ted's cup of tea. She's played by Rachel Bilson. Her name is Cindy! And? She was in the wrong classroom, when Ted was, on his first day teaching. So I start writing this in real time, and I'm thinking -- no way is she the mother; they're jerking us around, right? Right. But more on that, in a moment.
There's a new female bartender at MacLaren's. She's blonde, beautiful and attracting a whole bunch of new guys to the bar. But best of all, she's not taking any of Barney's crap, because she has completely sworn off guys in suits. Barney tries to quit them cold turkey with mixed results, including the premature death of a suit not even Tim Gunn can save. Eventually, Barney gets the girl home, only to have her discover his closet full of dirty little secrets. Wait -- this is Barney. That could mean anything. Here, secrets = suits. She makes him choose between her and his suits, which sparks a fantasy musical number, in which Barney decides nothing suits him like a suit. Not even a busty bartender! Then he snaps out of it, and beds her, whispering to his suits that they have nothing to worry about.
Now back to Ted. Despite her yammering on about her pathetic jealousy of her roommate, Cindy and Ted hit it off on their first date, but when she learns it's against school policy for them to date, she ends things. Ted doesn't let her go easily. He goes to her place in the pouring rain, very yellow umbrella in hand, and tries to talk Cindy into taking a chance, but when he points out things in her very yellow apartment to prove they have much in common, every item he mentions belongs to the roommate. And that roommate is the mother. We see her... ankle. Yeah.
Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily made the episode for me, tonight. Ted was sweet and likable, even though his quest makes me weary. For months this episode has been teased as getting Ted (and us) closer than ever to meeting the mother. But you know, he didn't get much closer -- except in a physical sense. The only real progress is that he left behind the umbrella at the end of the episode. That gives him an excuse to go back or a way to spot the mother and/or strike up conversation. Since the umbrella is so distinctive, the mother could have just as easily spotted Ted carrying it. But, you know... MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA!!! I'm easy (but I'm not cheap). NPH and a cast of thousands (or at least tens) blew into the episode and freed my mind from the show's mission statement. It was so delightful that I bumped up the grade from a B to an A. I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap. In the meantime, give me something to sing about, over in the forums.
When he least expects it, Ted meets PhD candidate Cindy (Rachel Bilson) in Columbia's storied halls. She's surrounded by frat boys (who seem more like rejects from Ridgemont High) toting (not sporting) six packs, and they're trying to tempt her into going up on the roof and getting trashed. Ted steps in, pulls rank, confiscates the hooch (although he lets "Boomer" keep his hard lemonade, which is CRAZY TALK because that stuff's awesome on a hot summer night). Cut to Ted and Cindy downing the boys' beer in an empty lecture hall and ragging on underclassmen and their underclass ways. Cindy confesses that she was in Econ 305 on T-Dawg's first day -- when he was in the wrong class. Saget!Ted reminds us that what Ted didn't know on that day was that the mother was somewhere in that class. "She thought I was a complete idiot." Flash to Cindy: "I thought you were a complete idiot." Oh, well, she's not the mother. We'd never get her that fast. Back to Cindy -- she allows that Ted was a cute idiot, so he's thrilled when she also allows that she almost exclusively dates cute idiots.The Apartment: Ted tells the gang (sans Marshall) that Cindy is totally his speed: a PhD candidate who reads philosophy for fun and finishes the Sunday crossword puzzle. When he announces he has a date with her, the gang raises their beer bottles in celebration; Robin lets out a little "YAY," and then a huge cheer rises up from the street below. We soon find out the cause of the hubbub is Karina (wrestling goddess Stacy Keibler).
Cut to MacLaren's: Karina tends bar in a slow-mo sexy montage set to Warrant's "Cherry Pie." And oh my, babies, that song is older than many of you, isn't it? All right, setting aside my crisis for a moment, what you need to know is that there are more guys than we've ever seen in MacLaren's and they're crowding around the bar, enchanted by Karina. Robin and Lily are less than thrilled. Lily: "Oh no, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee pee, now." Robin says they'd better start looking for a new bar. If I were Robin, I'd be looking for a new apartment. Barney tries to sell the three girls (Lily, Robin, and Ted) on the wonders of a hot female bartender. He's been waiting to land a bartender for yonks and lists all the types of women he's been with. Barney: "Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, professional equestrians, amateur equestrians..." Time passes. "A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. Yes -- we're to the rhyming section, now. A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser..." More time passes. "A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, a stay at home mom. That's a job too, guys." Wordy McTired, Barney. "A circuit court j--" Robin interrupts, telling him to get to the point. And the point is that he's never scored a hot bartender, "Until tonight." Robin says Karina isn't all that hot. Ted teases her about being jealous and fancying herself the hottest girl in the bar. Robin protests too much. But Barney can't let the conversation stray away from himself, so he steers it back, noting that although all the other guys are falling at Karina's feet, he is an alpha dog and will land where he belongs -- on top. "Then after a few minutes -- on the bottom. Why should I do all the work?" Raise your hand if you're surprised Barney's a bottom. Me, neither.
Once Barney leaves the booth for the bar, Marshall enters. Lily catches him up on the super-hot bartender, but Marshall's not impressed. When Lily tries to coax him into admitting that Karina is hotter than she, Marshall refuses in his sweet, loving, Marshally way. "Well I call 'em like I see 'em, and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world." Lily says, "See, that's just annoying." SO'S YOUR FACE, LILY. Ahem, I mean -- I think Marshall means it, so shut up and enjoy, girl. Meanwhile, Robin is sitting across the booth positively starving for validation that she's never going to get.
Over at the bar, guys are leaving Karina $50 for $6.75 drinks, because she's laughing at their jokes and blinding them with her beautiful smile. When it's Barney's turn to order, he's all ready to play hardguy with Karina, but he never gets a chance. She's so cold to him from the get-go, I start rummaging through the braincells I killed over the holidays to see if she was one of the blonde women in Barney's bracket. She's not. She's just not taking any of what he's selling, before he even makes the presentation. Is she the mother, because that would be sort of fun.
Later that night: Ted picks up Cindy for their first date, which Saget!Ted reminds us is a very important first date. He narrates that from the moment he entered the (exceedingly yellow) apartment, he got the feeling that he was exactly where he was supposed to be. As Cindy runs off to get her purse, current-day Ted looks around the living room, and Saget!Ted tells his kids that that was the first time he ever saw their mother's little yellow bus (not a euphemism, thank goodness, because what would that mean). "You know the one; it's right behind you." Cut to a vintage shot of the kids. They don't look behind them, because like us, this is their fifth year listening to this yarn, and they know they're not getting the mother that easy. But we can see the toy bus on the shelf just above and to the (our) right of the daughter's head. It gleams with the precious glow of sitcom love. Fssssssh. Back in the present: Ted's still holding the bus and when Cindy returns, he tells her it's cute. She says, "Actually, it's my roommate's," and we cut to commercial.
Ted promptly returns the bus to the shelf and apologizes to Cindy for messing with her roommate's stuff. He asks what her roommate is like. Saget!Ted chimes in saying he didn't know it, but he was about to hear the first description of the woman he'd someday marry. Cindy: "She's a whore. I think she's a dominatrix." Dear BDSM Community, please send your letters to Craig Thomas and Carter Bays, care of CBS. Unless you're a sub who loves to do laundry, then we can talk. Ted's all, "Wha--" like you are, and then Cindy cops to the fact that she was lying. She just has "a bit" of a roommate complex because guys are always falling for said roomie. Putting aside the fact that Rachel Bilson is beautiful, and her character has a rockin' name, and is sweet -- which renders this premise completely unbelievable...wait. I can't. Rachel Bilson is beautiful, and her character has a rockin' name, and is sweet -- which renders this premise completely unbelievable. I'm prematurely deciding this episode will get no higher than a B grade, because...puh-lease! Anyhow, Ted promises Cindy he will not fall in love with her roommate. Freeze frame. From the future, Saget!Ted says, "Oops!" I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. And we sideways whoosh to...
MacLaren's: Lily's still trying to get Marshall to admit that Karina is the hottest woman in the bar. Robin's still trying to explain that she's much hotter. When Marshall won't play along, Lily tells him that he has to want to "hit that." Even she wants to "hit that" and if Marshall doesn't, then he might be gay. Marshall says, "Hell yeah, I'm gay -- gay for you!" Somewhere -- possibly Istanbul -- Oz nods in agreement, though he isn't sure why. And since the writers' tendency to lean on him has turned Barney into an even worse attention junkie this week, he turns the conversation back to himself, and his sexual conquest, despite the fact that Robin is sitting right there. He asks Marshall if he found out why Karina is so cold to him. With the help of a flashback, Marshall explains/we learn that Karina's been done wrong by the last three Wall Street types she's dated (the American economy nods in agreement), and we learn that she's sworn off guys in suits. Back in the present, Barney pulls out the old "wait for it" gag in the middle of explaining that he'll stop wearing suits. Robin tries to minimize the impact of his statement by pointing out they already know what he's going to say, but Barney doesn't let that stop him, and Marshall and Lily don't let it stop them from gasping in surprise, either.
First Date Restaurant: Ted and Cindy are having a lovely time, considering she's still bitching about her roommate complex. "Another weird thing about my roommate -- she paints these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports." Ted's mouth: "Yeah...that is weird." Ted's eyes: "S3x0R." Saget!Ted: "I was lying. That sounded awesome. Your mother's Robot Volleyball watercolor is hanging up in the den, as we speak." Cindy adds that her roommate also has this strange habit of making breakfast foods sing show tunes. Ted's already whipped. And I'm nodding in approval. I didn't know how many show tunes I knew (or could fake up at the drop of a hat) until I spent the days at home alone with my first child. If mama could have gone to the baby store and picked out any baby she saw -- she would have walked right to your crib, and loved you even without a bib. Shut up. I was composing under extreme sleep deprivation. It was like Gitmo, people. GITMO. Anyhow, Ted can't hide his lying eyes, and Saget!Ted offers: "Your mother's rendition of 'Memories' (sic) as performed by an English Muffin is, to this day, the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard." Ted tells Cindy he already hates "this girl," and then Cindy softens up and admits her roomie isn't all that bad. "I just get a little jealous." Ted says all the right things to shore up Cindy's confidence and his chances, but Saget!Ted doesn't let us forget that the mother is far more awesome.
Meanwhile at MacLaren's, Barney has suited down and is working Karina, who feels badly for judging him (correctly). She reiterates her hatred for men in suits, and adds that she feels the same way about women lacking in self-respect. To BARNEY. He deadpans: "Yeah...Suits and insecure women. I...hate 'em."
MacLaren's -- night: Ted tells that gang that while his date with Cindy the night before was great, today was less so. She called things to a halt after investigating the university's rules on students dating faculty; i.e don't. In the flashback, Ted is surprised, since Cindy isn't his student and isn't even in his department, but Cindy is smart, like most PhD candidates are, and can't risk her scholarship. Back at MacLaren's, Ted tries to lead the gang into confirming that Cindy is completely overreacting, but they won't. Even Saget!Ted now admits that he had to let Cindy go, then adds, "As your Uncle Barney was about to find out, it's not so easy to let things go." In his bedroom, Barney (wearing only a towel, bless -- I guess I can give the episode a B+) is sifting through his dresser drawers when it begins. It is a ghostly whisper. As he places his jeans and a clean T-shirt on the bed, his closet door opens -- seemingly on its own. IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE...closet. The whisper, unintelligible at first, grows more clear as the door swings wide open. "Suit up!"
MacLaren's: The gang is seated at the booth when Marshall arrives fresh from work, wearing you-know-what. As he tells them about his day, Barney nuzzles his suit jacket arm as though it were a breast. He tries to call Barney out of his suit fugue, but he's too far gone. Finally, Marshall slaps his face. Please, for the love of Italian silk, don't let that slap count toward the Slap Bet. We cut to...
MacLaren's Men's Room: In a stall, Barney opens a hidden compartment built into the stall door to reveal a suit. Secret agent music plays. "Suit Up," are the only lyrics. But Barney is no more than an addict, contemplating the last of his stash. As he changes, Marshall enters the men's room to tell him to hurry, as they plan to order food. Once Marshall is gone, Barney slides into his jacket and...RIP! Cut to Barney running down the streets of Manhattan, cradling the jacket the way you'd cradle a dying child. As he yells to pedestrians to get out of his way, Saget!Ted tells us that if anyone could fix things, it was Barney's personal tailor -- 1 2 3 4
y/">TV's Tim Gunn. Excellent! Except not. Tim: "I'm sorry, Barney. I couldn't make it work." Barney cries. The suit was so young -- only 7 years old. Tim talks him into making an organ donation. There's a suit that desperately needs the buttons from Barney's suit. It's a matter of life and death. (Okay, maybe an A-.) Barney gives Tim his consent for the transplant. Tim: "You're doing the right thing." Barney sobs on Tim's chest until Tim snaps him back into reality. "Please don't cry on this. It's silk." We cut to commercial to give Barney a few moments to compose himself.MacLaren's: Barney, holding an urn full of his suit's remains, tells the gang about the life-saving transplant. Robin hopes this will end Barney's ridiculous quest for the hottie bartender, but how can Barney let his dearly departed suit down? He can't. He shan't! He kisses the top of the urn and heads up to the bar. Ted looks around at his friends. "He's absolutely right." Lily tries to snap Ted back to reality -- to no avail. "What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry and I'm just giving up? So long, elegant yet welcoming home in Westchester -- with a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings." Yeah, babe, good luck with that. Ted's not listening to me. "Bye bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand -- finding the perfect balance between father and friend." Ditto. "Adios, triplet schnauzers Frank, Lloyd and Wright. Marshall, Lily and Robin have had enough and yell out, "Ted," simultaneously. Ted's point is: "I'm not giving up, either." He rises dramatically from the booth, walks to the bar, kisses Barney's urn, wonders aloud why he just did that and prances away like a magnificent poof .
At the bar, Karina takes note of the urn Barney's got with him, because...he's got a freaking urn with him. At a bar. She offers her condolences on the loss of his friend and decides he can't be alone tonight, so she ends her shift early. As she walks out from behind the bar (and thus, is out of earshot), a tearful Barney considers the urn in his hands. "Thank you old friend. You're going out with a bang."
Meanwhile, at the booth, Lily's still haranguing Marshall about Karina's hotness, but he stands his ground until Lily confesses that Karina made a few cameos in her mind the night before. The worm turns. Marshall's voice breaks. "Whoa, whoa, whoa...do you think she's hotter than me?" Lily's cornered, so she takes the pedant's way out. "I never said that." Marshall insists she compare Karina to Marshall when he was in his prime. Lily can't front to save her life (or marriage). Robin tries to stop their bickering (and the implication that Karina is hotter) by explaining that being behind the bar adds to the illusion of hotness. She takes off her jacket, walks behind the bar, and has her own little "Cherry Pie" montage. Back at the booth, Lily once again remembers that a woman's sexuality is a moving target, and Marshall realizes he's got more competition for his wife's affections than he'd imagined. Eventually, Carl comes out, ruins Robin's moment, and kicks her out from behind the bar, despite her pathetic pleas. Back on the civilian side of the room, Robin can't contain herself. "I was somebody back there!" A beat. "Everybody loved me."
A Rainy Night; Manhattan Streets: Yellow umbrella overhead, Ted races to Cindy's apartment. She lets him in, but (insecurely) says that since her roomie is in the shower, they can talk in her (Cindy's) room. Ted leaves the yellow umbrella by the door and follows her. Behind closed doors, he tells her that although the university rule book says they can't date, "It also says 'Don't teach drunk' and I do that all the time." Heh. He tells her he likes her; she's sweet, funny and hot. "This sounds crazy, but I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow, and I don't want to miss out on knowing you."
When Cindy says she doesn't want to miss out on knowing Ted either, he has to screw the pooch by talking some more. He tells her that looking around her room, he can tell they have a ton in common. For example, he thought he was the only person in the world who owned The Unicorns' Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? CD. Cindy says it's not her CD; it belongs to her roommate. And the book, World's End by TC Boyle? Roomie gave it to Cindy for her birthday and she hasn't yet cracked the cover. The bass guitar lying across the room (Ted's ideal woman plays one)? It's the roomie's too. Cindy: "She's in a band." Ted (under his breath): "Damn! That's cool." Cindy's discouraged. Ted just picked out the only three things in her room that belong to Roomie. Ted has moved on. "So, does your roommate's band ever plays shows, or..." Cindy points him toward the door. "Get out." Ted complies. Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog. As Ted makes his way out of the apartment, Saget!Ted starts narrating again, telling the kids that wasn't the night he met their mother. But right behind current Ted, we get the quickest glance of a woman wearing a towel turban, and a towel around her body, returning to the bathroom (or her bedroom). Saget!Ted says, "Although I think I glimpsed her foot." Imagine how we the kids feel, Saget!Ted. Rip off the fricking bandage already, will ya? He continues: "But I did get a little closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. And your mom? Well she got her yellow umbrella back." As Ted closes the door behind him, we see the umbrella sitting in the corner, right where he left it.
Barney's Bedroom: He and Karina enter drinking wine, as Barney continues the fairy tale about his dearly departed friend. Karina promises to make him feel all better right after she freshens up, but she opens the closet door by mistake and sees all his suits in their climate controlled, optimally lit haven. Because this is a sitcom, Barney claims he's just suit-sitting for a friend. Because this is HIMYM, Karina doesn't buy it. She gives him an ultimatum -- her or the suits. And thus begins our...
Musical Extravaganza: While considering his options, Barney drifts off into fantasy land and his big musical number, "Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit." Look, it's on Youtube and I can't do it justice. To score a ten would be just fine, but I'd rather be dressed to the nines. It's a truth you can refute. Nothing suits me like a suit. Suffice it to say Neil Patrick Harris and a cast of tens (and a winged cartoon version of the late, great suit) dances and sings their way through the streets of New York. Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily are even besuited and singing their hearts out. And Alyson Hannigan doesn't sing, "I think this line's mostly filler," even once, even though she may or may not have a whole problem with opera. But Barney most certainly gets the mustard out in the big finish. So I said all along I was giving this episode an A, right? (Sigh. I know, I'm easy.) I'm sorry suits, let's make amends. My Sunday best are my best friends. Let's send casual Friday down the laundry chute. Nothing suits me like a suit. Suffice it to say, until the very end of the fantasy, Barney's sure he'll give up his suits for no woman. But then again, this is Barney we're talking about, and Karina really is smoking hot. So he does what we knew he'd do a half hour ago, and lies. "I choose you, baby." He swears he'll most certainly give
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