Remember Don Frank (Bob Koldyke) -- the new co-worker Robin met after Marshall and Ted told her she was going to meet the one? He's back -- or finally here, working with Robin, and driving her to... smoke -- and I ain't talking sandwiches. Ted's kids act like Robin's smoking is news to them (it's not to us). That little surprise is nothing to their shock in learning that back in 2009, Uncle Marshall shared the habit (we knew he smoked when drinking sometimes). And Aunt Lily (didn't she smoke on her wedding day?). And Barney (I'm thinking yeah). And worst of all? Their dear old dad. Okay, that surprised me. Everyone whines about their reasons, but it comes down to the fact that they're hooked.
Okay, so maybe Marshall has some stress. The McRib has been discontinued and Bob Odenkirk is back as "Artillery" Arthur Hobbs, Marshall's abusive boss from his old firm. GNB has brought him in as the head of Legal -- and he's going to be letting people go. The problem isn't that Arthur remembers Marshall and his emotional exit. Arthur always fires the people he doesn't know, and he can't remember Marshall from one minute to the -- that is, until they become smoking buddies. After a week of smoking, most of the gang starts finding reasons to kick the habit (the funniest is Lily's voice -- provided by the velvet-throated Harvey Fierstein). Once Arthur has a heart attack while on a smoke break with Marshall, they all decide to quit -- except Robin. Despite Don's overwhelming negativity, Robin's been plugging away at her job and has landed an interview with the Mayor. She uses that as her excuse when she refuses to quit -- until Ted reminds her that Bloomberg is the anti-smoking mayor and it wouldn't do for her to show up reeking of the evil weed.
Don's overwhelming negativity has negatively overwhelmed the whole crew of Come On, Get Up, New York! On the day of Robin's mayoral interview, he's smoking at the news desk and refusing to read that day's copy. When the mayor cancels, Don tries to tempt Robin to join him in an on-air puff -- telling her that nobody will care. To prove his point, he invites offended viewers to call in, certain no one is watching. But... the gang had been feeling badly about never watching Robin's show, so they chose the morning of her big interview to tune in. They phone the show and offer Robin encouragement. Finally, she tosses her butt into Don's cup -- and it bursts into flames. Something tells me that Robin isn't the only thing on set that's a bit fortified.
I'll be back tomorrow with the full Weecap, including the end-tag and some adorable flashbacks to Marshall's youth, and maybe some continuity nitpicks (I'm my deadline's bitch, so I can't check now on whether the kids should have been so surprised that some of Dad's friends used to smoke). In the meantime, come join us in the forums. Nitpicking optional. Smoking permitted.
Smoking is not allowed, however, in our HIMYM Language Lab. But you can get the latest recaplets, weecaps, blogs and more while you're outside on the front steps via your smart phone with TWoP's mobile site.
Welcome to yet another strong episode of How I Met Your Mother, full of callbacks and fun, so let's get right to it. In 2030, Saget!Ted's kids are still listening to his never-ending story of how he met their mother. Given the kids' appearance, this seems like it might be some of the famed footage that Carter Bays and Craig Thomas stuck in their vault for future use. Anyhow, Saget!Ted starts off by telling them how early Aunt Robin's morning show aired. We cut to...
The Come On, GET UP New York! set: From the news desk, Robin is trying to wake her cameraman, Mike, as Saget!Ted tells his kids, "And then, everything changed." And I'm not sure why he said that, the way he said it, because the time of the show didn't change. But anyhow, Robin arrives back at the apartment, and since Ted didn't see her show (don't these kids have TiVo or a VCR?) she tells him about her new co-host. He's Don Frank (Bob Koldyke), who you'll remember as the coworker Robin met after Marshall and Ted told her she was going to meet the one. Don's been part of 38 local news teams all over the country and is an industry legend. I'm also guessing he's a giant tool, since he looks awfully young to have worked on that many shows prior to arriving at Come On, GET UP New York! Ted tells Robin she's so going to "hit that." Robin denies it through all his teasing then excuses herself to go upstairs and stand on the roof alone for five minutes. Um, is she waiting for the Rapture? Well, that depends on your definition. Saget!Ted says that Robin is actually up on the roof to smoke a cigarette. In 2030, the children recoil in horror. "WHAT?!" Saget!Ted explains that back in 2009, Robin was an occasional smoker. "Occasional" extends to smoking while eating, brushing her teeth, and doing yoga.
And Robin is doing yoga with her butt in the air and a butt hanging out of her mouth when Ted, Marshall and Barney enter the apartment. Barney makes a crack about having just left someone in Robin's yoga position. I think it would have been funnier had he made the crack personal to Robin and their time together. I mean come on -- this is Barney. Whatever. Ted reminds her that she has to smoke on the roof, and chides her for the time she burnt the rug while doing pushups with a cigarette dangling from her lips. Marshall stumbles as he tries to hop on the shame train. "Yeah, Robin. Not only is that a filthy habit, but also... can I bum one?" In 2030, the kids again say, "WHAT?!"
Saget!Ted tells the kids that Uncle Marshall doesn't want them to know this, but he smoked off and on over the years. We flash back to 1991 and the Minnesota woods. Thirteen-year-old Marshall (dressed in a knit cap and mittens and a down vest) and his buddy (wearing jacket and hat) are on a camping trip, trying their first cigarette. The buddy convinces Marshall to have one. "Let's celebrate. It's summer vacation!" Heh. Marshall agrees. "But just one. This is my first and last cigarette, ever." Saget!Ted narrates that was the first of Marshall's many "last cigarettes ever," as we flash forward to 2006, where Marshall says, "Last..." In 2007, Marshall says, "Cigarette..." And in 2008, Marshall (dressed as a pirate) finishes: "Ev-arrrrrrr."
Back in the present, Ted reminds Marshall he hasn't smoked in six months and then adds, "Is this about the McRib? It's gone, dude. Let it go." No, no. Dude. I hear it's coming back. Marshall can't hear me, but he's actually preoccupied about his work situation. The new head of GNB's legal department is none other than Bob Odenkirk's "Artillery" Arthur Hobbs, Marshall's abusive boss from his old firm. We flash back to "Chain of Screaming." Back in the present, Ted assumes Arthur remembers Marshall screaming "I QUIT", but Marshall says it's much worse.
We flash to their first, brief encounter at GNB. Marshall re-introduces himself to Arthur, and tries to remind him of their blow-out. "I suggested you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that -- while space-saving -- might limit its exposure to sunshine." Arthur says, "That describes 95% of my employees and everyone in my family." His voice softens. "Except for my dog." He lowers his gaze as if the dog was right there in the GNB hallway and baby-talks: "He's such a good boy." Marshall looks from Arthur to the not-present dog and back again. Finally, Arthur does the double finger guns thing and says, "I'll see you later... Randall... Wilkerson." Marshall corrects him: "Marshall Eriksen." Arthur starts off down the hall. "Harry Dickersfield. Right."
Back at the apartment, Barney and Marshall explain to Ted that Arthur always fires the people he doesn't know, and since he can't remember Marshall from one minute to the -- well, that's Marshall's excuse for smoking. Marshall says he's only had two, so as long as he doesn't have a third in 24 hours, he won't get hooked again. Right. And then we get a montage of the system Marshall employs to hide his smoking from Lily. He smokes up on Ted's roof, wearing only his underwear and a T-shirt. He then showers at Ted's. After he's out of the shower, he scrubs his tongue with a loofah (gag -- I hope it's brand-new) and then spritzes himself (and his poor, raw tongue) with cologne. We cut to...
Dowistrepla: A clean and shiny Marshall enters the apartment. "Hey, Lil!" She doesn't look at him -- doesn't even look up from her book. "You smoked." Marshall's all, "Damn it!"
Come On, GET UP New York! set: Robin's thrilled to be going on the air with "a real pro," but it turns out Don is mostly a professional screw-up. He bungles words, and lets the teleprompter get ahead of him as he admits to having a "brain fart" on the air. When they go to commercial, Robin asks him what the hell that was. Don's jaded. This is his 39th local program, and he's learned three things during his career: "Avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismark, do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on..." Please. "...and three -- at this hour, your entire viewing audience is one half-drunk slob, sitting in his underwear." Right after Robin says they'll do a good job for that half-drunk slob, they go back on the air, at which time Don stands and stretches to reveal he's only wearing his skivvies from the waste down. "Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it." Is this what it's like for Mika Brzezinski on the set of Morning Joe?
GNB (the morning): Marshall's having a nic-fit, so he decides to go up to the GNB roof to get some fresh Manhattan air. Of course, Arthur is there -- smoking -- and offers Marshall a cigarette. When Marshall declines, Arthur calls him Jeffrey and waxes nostalgic about the bond between smoking buddies. Marshall decides to take one of Arthur's butts after all, and suddenly, Arthur knows his name. Commercial.
Dowistrepla: Marshall arrives home. "Heyyyyyy!" Lily doesn't look at him -- doesn't even look up from her book. "You smoked." Marshall cops to it and that it was his third cigarette of the day. "You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. It's all over. I even bought a pack on the way home, and a lighter and a Vikings lamp -- which has nothing to do with anything, but I saw it in the window and I liked it." Lily rises to face him. "Damn it, Marshall! We already have four Vikings lamps! And smoking kills." He tells her about bonding with his boss. In the flashback, Arthur coos over pictures of his dog (and could not care less about pictures of his kids) and then unbuttons his shirt to reveal he's wearing a t-shirt that bears his dog's face. He makes Marshall pet it, right under shirt-dog's chin. Uncomfortable! Back at Dowistrepla, Lily doesn't care about Marshall's excuses. She makes him turn over his cigarettes and lighter, and then... sparks one up as she sinks back onto the sofa. "Ahhhhh. That's the stuff." In 2030, the kids again say, "WHAT?!" Saget!Ted explains that whenever Marshall fell off the wagon, Lily got dragged down with him. I don't know, Saget!Ted. I think she leapt. With joy.
Come On, GET UP New York! set: When Robin tries to book an interview with the mayor, Don condescends that she is adorable. He says the mayor won't appear on a show nobody watches and makes a colonoscopy joke I'm skipping. Robin tells Don he's just jealous because he never had a shot at a network job, but she thinks she does, so she has to focus on her work. Don says he's been on a network job and then launches into a morning anchor's equivalent of the Crash Davis speech from Bull Durham. No, not the kisses one -- the one about going to "The Show." The crew is amazed, but also discouraged. Don only lasted one Labor Day weekend at the network. "But the second you get used to it, they find someone who isn't 'going through a bitter divorce' or doesn't 'reek of gin'." (He makes air quotes back there.) Before you know it, you're stuck in a dead-end gig, surrounded by people who are going nowhere, doing the news in your tighty-whities. Robin waits a beat and then dead-pans: "Okay, the underwear thing was your choice, and I don't like that it's catching on." A couple of crew members pass by in their undies, to drive home a point nobody at my house wanted to learn.
MacLaren's; Exterior: Robin, Lily and Marshall all smoke outside the bar as Robin rants that of course people watch her show -- like her good friends Marshall and Lily -- who so do not. Robin's offended when she realizes they still haven't seen it, but she's woman enough to admit that even her stalker Leonard won't watch it.
MacLaren's; Interior: Ted and Barney can't believe the rest of the gang is all smoking outside. We flashback to a smoke-filled (I mean -- like The Fog) MacLaren's as the two reminisce about the days when you could smoke in a bar. Great sight-gag. My favorite part is when Marshall tries to find them by calling "Marco," and they answer "Polo." Back in the current day, Ted laments the fact that they're splitting up into smokers vs. non-smokers and it's just not healthy. Barney agrees. So they do the reasonable thing -- they run outside and join the smokers. Cue Ted's kids in 2030: "WHAT?!"
Outside, when Robin pronounces the two guys "smokers," just like the rest of them, Barney tries to put on the brakes. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital; when I'm with Germans (sometimes those two overlap); coital; birthdays; to annoy my mom; pre-coital; on a sailboat; the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year; and, of course, wait for it -- 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares." Ted asks why he's smoking right now. Barney inhales. "I'm always pre-coital, Ted." Duh. Lily rationalizes that at least they're out in the fresh air. Barney adds that his smoker's cough is working his abs. As the gang dissolves into a coughing fit, Saget!Ted narrates that within a week, they all hit their breaking point.
The Breaking Points
Marshall and Lily's bedroom: Lily sits up in bed, coughing her lungs out. When Marshall sleepily inquires if she's okay, she answers, "Actually baby, my throat's a bit sore," in Harvey Fierstein's voice. She talks like this for the rest of the episode, so let's call her Lilystein.
Ted's Building: He runs up the staircase. By the time he's on the third flight, he is sweating profusely and gasping for air.
MacLaren's: Barney gives an unseen someone a how-you-doing nod, and as he grabs his phone out of his jacket pocket, he sees the huge burn on his tie. He screams like a baby.
GNB Roof: Marshall and Arthur are sharing a smoke, and Arthur is telling an awful story about hitting someone across the nose with a newspaper. We're supposed to think it's the dog, but it's obvious from the scenes that it's going to turn out to be anyone but. In this case, it's his son. As Marshall is still digesting that warm, fuzzy moment, Arthur has a heart attack. He grabs his left arm in pain, and as he's dropping to the roof he says, "Michael, call 9-1-1!" Marshall whips out his phone and pauses. "It's Marshall, by the way." Arthur screams as Marshall dials. Commercial.
Ted's Roof: Marshall, Lilystein, Ted and Barney are sharing a smoke. Marshall must have just caught them up on the news about Arthur, because Barney's hoping Arthur is okay and/or calling dibs on his office. Ted declares they have to quit smoking. Lilystein agrees: "Honey, you said a mouthful." Marshall wishes he never started. He wishes he could confront his 13-year-old self, before he started. And in Marshall's fantasy, big Marshall approaches 13-year-old Marshall on the camping trip and punches him in the gut. Back in reality -- back on the roof, Marshall says, "I hate that little bastard." Hee. Lilystein croaks, "Me, too." Me, too. They decide to do it and three of them snuff out their butts. Meanwhile, Barney smokes away. "Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is for smokers like yourselves to quit, so on behalf of nonsmokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So, hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them. One at a time." Lilystein grabs the cigarette out of his hand. "You're quitting, Dollface. I know I don't normally call you 'Dollface,' but it kind of works in this voice. Dollface."
Just then Robin arrives at the rooftop smokery. She's got an interview with the mayor, set for tomorrow. When the gang congratulates her, she says, "Yeah, Don can suck it, while I suck this." And Barney doesn't make a crack. The breakup has changed him -- at a cellular level. Robin takes out a cigarette. "Light me, Marshall." He tells her they've decided they're all quitting. Robin says, "That's fantastic! I'm sick of you guys bumming my cigarettes." Ted tells her they can't do it unless they all do it together. Robin sticks her unlit butt between her teeth. "No." Lilystein sweetens the pot by telling Robin she can sleep with Marshall. Marshall turns to his wife and reaches for her face. "Oh God, Lily, nooo." Lilystein tells him to take one for the team. I think she's been bucking for a tricycle including Scherbatsky for a while. Robin says she doesn't want to sleep with Marshall. Lilystein says, "Right..." as Marshall says, "I've seen the looks." Robin refuses to quit before the biggest interview of her life. It's too stressful. Barney screams, "TOO STRESSFUL!" Lilystein and Marshall reach for just one more. Ted plays the voice of reason and reminds Robin that Bloomberg is the anti-smoking mayor. "Do you really want to show up to that interview smelling like smoke? It'd be like interviewing a vegetarian, smelling like a McRib." Marshall turns toward his Judas. "Really? Like I'm not going through enough right now?" Ted insists they're all quitting, and finally, Robin agrees. Ted says, "We just have to get through the first 24 hours. After that, it's a cakewalk." Oh, little man. Ignorance is bliss.
MacLaren's; 26 Hours Later: The booth is covered in more food than you can imagine. Lilystein snarls at Barney for biting his nails loudly, but he's just trying to suck the nicotine off his fingers. Ted asks Marshall to pass the onion rings, and Marshall snaps back at him. "What -- you got dinosaur arms? They're right here." Barney reminds me far too much of myself in this scene. "What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? You think they're thinking about us?" Ted yells at Marshall for tapping his foot. Marshall says, "Oh, my God, Ted, I'm so sorry. Maybe I should move it a little bit closer to your ASS!" The two men rise, ready to take each other on (although while Ted's putting up his dukes, Marshall is pointing a squirty catsup bottle at him). Saget!Ted says they didn't know what they were fighting about. They just wanted to smoke, more than anything else in the world. Marshall fantasizes about going back in time and literally kicking his 13-year-old self while he's down, after he got sucker-punched in the last fantasy. Hee.
Come On, GET UP New York! set: As Robin studies for her interview with the Mayor, Don comes in (still sans trousers) and stops to talk with his tighty-whities right in her face. She puts him on warning that she's stressed out because she quit smoking for her interview with the Mayor. Don calls her a "precious porcelain unicorn" and wonders why she'd do that. Robin snaps. "Because I care, Don. I-- I care about the show. I-- I care about my career, unlike you, you unprofessional jerk! You're-- you're sloppy, you're rude, and I wish you worked half as hard as the elastic on those stretched-out underpants." When Don says it's starting to get personal, Robin says no -- it would be getting personal if she told him what a lazy, obnoxious loser he is -- and proceeds to do just that.
When she's quite done, Don leans in toward her. "The Mayor canceled." The cameraman counts down. Once they're on the air, Robin starts doing her job, but every time it's Don's turn to talk, he continues their off-camera argument. He tells Robin he used to be like her, until he realized the job is a dead-end. "You're never going to be a network anchor." He takes out a cigarette and lights up while they're still on the air. Horrified, Robin tries to ignore him, but he does his level best to undermine her confidence and to get her to take a drag -- right there on the show. Robin pleads with him to be professional, but Don scoffs and points out that even the cameraman is gone. There's an empty chair holding it in place. "We're on a show where we can't even get the cameraman to watch. That's why the Mayor canceled, Robin. And that's why Mike is on a fried chicken run. And that's why you and I can enjoy a cigarette right here on the air." When she still won't smoke, Don says, "Why? Because of our millions and millions of impressionable viewers? Okay, if any impressionable viewers have a problem with this, please give us a call. The number's on the screen." Did the chair put the number up there? Don imitates the chirping of a phone and then tells Robin to live a little.
Robin stares longingly at the cigarette in Don's hand. Finally, she takes it and just as she brings it to her lips, the phone rings. It's Marshall, calling on behalf of Lilystein and the whole gang. They're out there. They're all (finally) watching and they're begging her not to smoke. If she does, they will. Strengthened by her friends, Robin smiles into the camera and throws her cigarette down into Don's coffee mug. The liquid within bursts into flames. Whee!
Ted's Apartment: The gang cheers for Robin, and Lilystein adds, "We're not gonna smoke." Barney then confesses he's got a pack hidden up on Ted's roof. They're out the window before you can say "Marlboro box." Later, Robin surprises them while they're all sitting around smoking, but she tells them not to feel badly. She bought a pack on the way home, too. The Canadians in the forums were tickled to realize that the gang was using a Tim Horton's coffee can as their ashtray (the label is obscured, but it's just that recognizable), so I'm mentioning it here because I like Canadians. But not their cigarettes. Ptui. We shall speak of it no more. The gang congratulates Robin on a great show, with Lilystein adding: "But that Don guy -- what a tool." Robin says he ended up apologizing to her. Lilystein clarifies: "No. I mean... when he stood up -- those briefs were pretty revealing. You should date that guy." Well, yeah, and I'm sure she will, which is too bad, because he is (not has -- is) such a giant tool. Robin agrees with me. "Not in this lifetime." Saget!Ted always has to get his two cents in. "They were dating within three months, but more on that -- later." (The closed captioning reads "two months" there, which would bring us right to February sweeps.)
Ted points out that the sun's coming up. Everyone takes it in for a moment, and then Robin says it's time for a "real" Last Cigarette Ever. They all agree, so they snuff out the butts they're currently smoking and light new ones. What? You'd NEVER make your last cigarette ever a half a cigarette. They count to three and light their last cigarettes. Saget!Ted narrates that they all quit for a while after that, but it wasn't anyone's last cigarette. Robin's real last cigarette was in June, 2013. Barney's was in March, 2017. "Lily's last cigarette was the day she started trying to get pregnant. And Marshall's last cigarette was the day his son was born." Oh my word, no fair that he didn't quit when Lily did! Saget!Ted adds, "And my last cigarette? Two weeks into dating your mother -- and I never looked back."
End tag: Big Marshall approaches 13-year-old camping Marshall, whose buddy immediately flees the scene. Thirteen backs away, but Big makes the international hand signals for I Mean You No Harm. "I'm sorry I hit you, buddy. I wanted to make it up to you by giving you this." He hands the boy a photograph. Thirteen looks at it and raises his eyebrows. "Wow, she's hot." Big sighs. "Yeah. Well, someday you're going to marry her." Thirteen: "No way!" Big: "Yeah, we're pretty lucky." Thirteen: "Totally." A beat. "I'll be in my tent." The Brown Coats in the audience yell, "Bunk. I'll be in my bunk." The Marshalls don't listen. Thirteen is too busy... um... rolling up his sleeping bag and Big is left outside to mutter awkward things like, "Oh, no. Wait, hey! No, don't, don't do that." Too late -- Thirteen has zipped the tent shut. Big smiles (self)indulgently. "Well... have fun for me," and walks off -- back to the future!
Hey everyone, I threw my back out last night. I don't know how or why, but I actually couldn't walk this morning (without great pain, and could only take baby steps). I intended to go into this, and that, and the other thing, but I need to lie down. And? This is a Weecap, anyhow. I'm always forgetting that (until my check comes in). One thing I wanted to mention though is that last night, after I filed the recaplet, I watched some episodes off the first disc of season 2. I'm once again wondering how long Ted's story has gone on (in 2030, I mean). He wouldn't even pause to let his son use the bathroom back in season 2, but both children were wearing different clothes last night than they were in season 2, even though all the "WHAT?!" footage is obviously old. Another thing I wanted to mention is Marshall's extreme growth spurt between ages 13 and 15 (which we just saw last week). I'd be all over the show for that, but I know how much my oldest grew between 12 and 13. I've taken a page out of Demian's book -- and have started calling him the Ginormatron. And a cousin of mine changed as much as Marshall did between 13 and 15. I mean, we're still wondering if he suffered from SORAS. So, although it was weird to see him look so different from 13 to 15 in the space of one week, I think it would have been pushing things way too far if Jason Segel played 13-year-old Marshall. Other than that, I really enjoyed this episode. The second half of the first half of the season has been pretty strong. It was good to see Odenkirk, and great to hear Fierstein. But most of all, it was just lovely to see these people all be friends. I hate to finish there, but I'm out of endurance and my bed awaits.
If you're currently celebrating Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah to you. And Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year when the time is right, too. I'll see you in 2010. In the meantime, come join us in the forums. Smoking permitted.
Smoking is not allowed, however, in our HIMYM Language Lab. But you can get the latest recaplets, weecaps, blogs and more while you're outside on the front steps via your smart phone with TWoP's mobile site.
Cindy McLennan needs some ibuprofen. Ahhh -- that's the stuff. You can email it to her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or follow her on Twitter.