Whipped!

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Barney and Robin are clearly whipped, but they've spent the summer hiding their relationship and are loath to define it, even now that it's common knowledge. In fact, Robin goes on a date to a hockey game with big, tall Brad, because she can't use the "I have a boyfriend" excuse. Later, Barney sucker-punches big, tall Brad as he's about to kiss Robin, but still this stubborn twosome won't admit what the people in the forums have been screaming for the past four years. Lily's on our side though, so she locks them in Robin's room until they have "the talk."

Meanwhile, even though Marshall and Lily gave Ted a fedora and a bullwhip, he is a wreck on his first day teaching, and ends up lecturing to the wrong class for seven minutes. Despite hints from the students, Ted only realizes his mistake once the Economics professor arrives and puts him in his place. By the time Ted flies across campus to his own class, he's so flustered he forgets his nerves and just talks about architecture.

Back at the apartment, Marshall employs some enhanced interrogation techniques on the ever-resistant Barney and Robin. He cooks pancakes and bacon and blows the delectable aroma under Robin's bedroom door, with a fan. Oh yeah. Marshall's hardcore. Barney and Robin may not know how to have "the talk," but they cannot withstand this torture. They decide that although they're no good at relationships, they're great at lying, and so they "lie" that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, and Lily sets them free. As they walk hand and hand down the street and toward brunch, the rest of the gang watches from the stoop. Ted says to Lily, "You do realize they were lying, right?" Lily says, "No, Ted. They don't realize they weren't lying."

What a great start to the fifth season (although the writers need to fish or cut bait on the Mother). But still, welcome back, Show, and welcome back, readers. Those of you who didn't get enough of NPH in his Emmy tux will not want to miss this episode. He looks great in it (and out of it woooo!). And the end tag's not too shabby either. I'll hit that tomorrow, in the full weecap.

Discuss this episode in our forums and then see why we think NPH needs his own reality show. And check back soon for the full weecap!

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

The wait has been far too long, so let's get right to it, shall we? We open up on a bust of Socrates outside of Columbia University (UCLA was used for the location shots). Carved into the base of the bust is Socrates' famous quote: "All I know is that I know nothing." Since Socrates knew nothing, I'm pretty sure I'm screwed. The camera pans the length of a lecture hall and down to where Ted is teaching. His picture of the Empire State Building is prominently displayed to the board. Saget!Ted narrates: "Kids, on my first day as a college professor, there were two things I didn't know, that I wish did. The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom." Raise your hands high in the air. Wave 'em like you just don't care... about the mother... anymore. Sorry, Saget!Ted, back to you. "The second thing? Well, to explain it, we have to go back to the beginning of the summer, when, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other, Barney and Robin finally, well..."

MacLaren's; June 2009: Lily takes her inner Woooo Girl out for a spin in the wake of learning that Robin and Barney kissed. She jumps to the conclusion that they're finally a couple and plans double dates and the betrothal of any future children. Barney and Robin throw cold water on her fantasies, although Robin admits that Barney's awesome and in turn, he says, "Robin's more than just awe-some. She's awe-quite-a-bit; She's awe-a-whole-darn-lot." The short of it is -- they say they're not "feeling it" but will still be friends. Lily reacts to this as though she's being dumped. Later that night, alone in bed with Marshall, she mourns the future lost by drowning her sorrows in ice cream. Marshall's comforting skills need some honing, since all he can offer is a shoulder pat and a lame, "So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight, or..." Anchors Aweigh, Marshall.

MacLaren's; September 2009: Marshall and Lily give Ted a little congrats-on-the-job gift. Marshall explains that it's something that used to belong to his favorite professor. Ted opens up the box (and is it just me, or is that wrapping paper reminiscent of Marshall's nightshirt) to find a fedora and a bull whip! After Ted screams in delight that he's Indiana Jones, Barney says, "That, my friends, is 'The Dominator 8000', the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy." A beat. "Yeah... I have a whip guy." As Ted and Marshall plan to down their drinks and take the whip out to the alley for some fun (not in a fan-fic way), Robin takes her leave, explaining she has a date. Barney claims to be leaving for similar reasons -- he had a date with a Chinese woman last night, and he's now craving seconds. Yeah, they went there. Out in the alley, Marshall eggs on Ted and his whip, telling him not even to bother aiming at his target. We then cut to Ted's hallway, where Marshall sings a whole new tune about how a whip is not a toy, and common sense is a must. But that's just the nasty lash on his cheek talking. Ouch. Ted offers to let Marshall whip him, and Marshall says, "I will, some other time." Is it too much to hope that will be worked into another slap bet-centric episode? Anyhow, when Lily opens Ted's door to find Robin and Barney making out on the couch, she lets out a huge WOOO! -- I think. It was hard to hear her over the sound of all the east-coast fans doing the same thing.

Theme Song!

We're still at the apartment and Lily is positively gleeful at pronouncing Barney and Robin, "boyfriend and girlfriend." Barney and Robin protest too much, which Lily doesn't get, since they admit they've been together all summer. Apparently they kept trying to have "the talk," but kept putting it off to have sex. In the flashbacks, we see Robin broach the subject, and Barney pull out his old, "Or... or!" technique. They finally decide "the talk" sucks and that they hate it. Barney explains, "You have to, like, talk, and be all..." He adopts a dopey voice. "I don't know. It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I hope it doesn't make you mad." Back in his regular voice, he adds, "Blech. Who needs it?" Lily replies, "You needs it." She's as serious as Ms. Hannigan's post-partum cleavage (I mean gosh, look at those) when she warns them that they can't keep hooking up without trying to figure out what they mean to each other. They knew Lily would say all that, which is exactly why they kept their this-is-in-no-way-a-relationship a secret all summer. Barney adds, "Well that, and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on." They go to make out, but Lily stops them and in her best (and worst) busy-body manner, orders them to have "the talk" and define their relationship. Barney's ready with another, "Or... or," and we cut to...

Columbia/UC Sunnydale: Ted thinks he's adopted the cool teacher approach, but he's really just being Duke Ted. He refers to himself as the students' peer, and then gets his ass handed to him by his class. One student asks who the hell he is, and another one notes that he failed as an architect. Oh, this must be a fantasy or dream sequence. Finally, one student asks, "And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?" Yep. Dream. The scene ends with one kid asking him where his pants are. Ted wakes to find Barney rummaging through his nightstand for condoms. Nightmare. We cut to...

MacLaren's: Barney lays out Dream!Ted's missteps. "Mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Mistake number 2 was -- you should've hit that. Dude, your pants were already off; you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on; and you couldn't knock her up, 'cause it's a dream. Class dismissed." Marshall butts in. "Mistake number 3: Dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back." Oh, Marshall. When you buy a friend a present that cool -- you have to buy one for yourself, too. I can't believe you've lived with Lily so long without learning that. Lily restates Barney's point: definitions are important. Barney agrees, but Robin catches on pretty quickly that Lily is setting them up, particularly once she goes on to mention how people need to know their place, etc. She pointedly adds, "Define the relationship." Robin frowns as Barney starts saying yes and turns it into a no. He pulls Lily aside for a private convo (and Robin must be whipped, because she and Ted don't do the "Private Convo," thing) and oh my word what the hell did the wardrobe department put on Lily's legs? She's wearing a (cute) mini-dress...over bike shorts...over grey, fuzzy tights, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 1980s. No wonder she's so cross and bossy, tonight. Those are January's tights, not September's. Maybe her wardrobe's the reason she's become quite the meddler over the past year. That can't be a breathable combination. Barney just wants Lily and her layers to leave them alone. They're happy. Lily says they're not. "You just think you're happy because you feel happy." Freud calls from the hereafter to thank the writers for his unexpected field day. Meanwhile, back at the booth...

Joe Manganiello who is playing Big Tall Brad -- Marshall's Law School classmate from a bunch of season 2 episodes TWoP didn't cover (most notably "World's Greatest Couple") -- walks over to the gang and asks Robin to a hockey game. She tries to refuse him, but he flat-out asks her if she has a boyfriend. With a gloating Lily looking over Barney's shoulder, Robin she says she doesn't. So? It's a date. Big Tall Brad leaves, Barney tries not to pout, and Lily gloats just a little bit more. COMMERCIAL!

The Night; Madison Square Garden: Brad and Robin are at a Rangers-Canucks game (Robin's wearing her Vancouver jersey). She apologizes for being so quiet all night, and Brad flashes back to her screaming her head off at a Canucks' player -- threatening to "Put a slapper right up [his] beer-hole." She admits to feeling weird being out with Brad, who assumes she wants to have "the talk," and? He's psyched for "the talk." He's done fooling around and wants the real deal. Robin talks him down, but not before he admits that he was "born a little different," in re: his stuff below the belt. The less time we spend thinking about that, the better. Agreed? Robin explains that she and Barney sorta/kinda don't know what's going on between them. Brad recommends "the talk" for them. We cut to...

The Apartment: Barney's telling Marshall and Ted, "We're not going to have the talk." Marshall tries to talk him into the talk, and looks to Ted for talk back-up, but Ted says they don't need to have the talk. Talk the talk, walk the walk, Talky Meat! Barney thanks Ted, but then Ted adds he said that, because Robin is already Barney's girlfriend. And we flashback to...

MacLaren's; Four Years Ago: Ted and Barney, wearing tuxedos, sip Martinis at the bar. Barney says: "How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple: the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.... Rule number 1: Never get them wet." Well, that seems counter-productive. "In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place." Oh. Never mind. "Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight, i.e. don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight -- meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her. Ever." Ted wants to know if brunch is cool. Barney scoffs that it is not.

Current Day; The Apartment: Barney realizes he's done all three things with Robin and wonders if she's his girlfriend. Marshall can't answer that. He's too busy feeling sorry for himself. "Just once, I wish you guys would call me on tuxedo night."

Hockey Game: The New York Rangers train their "Kiss Cam" on Robin and Brad. Their faces are up on the Jumbotron, and the audience chants for them to kiss. Brad suggests that if Robin kisses him and feels badly about it, she's meant to be with Barney. She agrees, so they stand and pucker up. But before their lips can meet, Barney appears out of nowhere and lays his hand on Robin's shoulder, moves her out of the way, and sucker-punches Brad in the face. Of course, Brad is about twice the size of Barney, so Barney's the one hurting from the punch. He cowers at the end of the row down, whimpering like a baby. "Brad, we can't fight like this all night! We both got some good shots in. Let's call a truce!" Hee. Brad is far more gracious than he needs to be, and says it's never cool to kiss another guy's girlfriend. Robin and Barney go through their whole, Girlfriend, that's a bit much... denial shtick (which is starting to grate, so I'll spare you). Let's cut to....

MacLaren's: Lily says that since it's gotten to physical violence, it's time for "the talk." Barney's all, "Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls. I'll punch a baby; I don't care."

Columbia Lecture Hall: It's time for Ted's first class. He starts to write his name on the board and blanks on whether PROFESSOR has one F, or two. He starts to make the second F, but a helpful student shakes him off, so he deftly turns it into an E.

The Apartment: Barney and Robin wake, and Barney apologizes if he went too far last night. Robin reminds him that unless she uses the safety word, flugelhorn, they're good. When she goes to leave her room, the doorknob breaks off in her hand. They're locked in. Robin asks Barney if he did this. Barney says, "No." Robin says, "Flugelhorn. Did you do this?" Barney denies it, still. Lily's outside the room and will only release them once they have "the talk." When Robin threatens that maybe they'll spend the whole day having sex, Lily tells them she brought Marshall with her, so maybe they'll do the same.

Columbia: Ted still doesn't know if he wants to be authoritative, or cool with his class, so he waffles from one to the other in a heartbeat. "This is Architecture 101. I am Professor Mosby. But you can call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dawg. Do not call me T-Dawg." Oh, how can I resist? The same girl who, in his dream, asked T-Dawg who the hell he thought he was, raises her hand. A vision of Barney appears to her left. He's seated Indian style (can you still say that? At my kids' school, they say "criss-cross applesauce" but that I just can't) on a puff of purple smoke and reminds T-Dawg never to take questions on the first day because it shows weakness. He then points to the student's breasts and says, "Also, don't look here." He laughs, wishes T-Dawg good luck and then says, "Bye-sies." Yeah, that's what I said. With a snap of his fingers he's gone. The student still has her hand raised. T-Dawg knows he has to decide what kind of professor he's going to be, and asks the students to save all questions until the end of the lecture. The writers then tease us because allegedly the mother is somewhere in the classroom (and isn't the girl with the raised hand), but I'm not playing that game anymore. If and when it happens, it happens. Until then, I'm ignoring it. Saget!Ted then narrates that if he had taken the student's question, he would have found out he was in the wrong classroom. This stuff with Ted hits my cringe-o-meter hard, so don't expect a lot of details.

The Apartment: Robin and Barney slip a note under the door to Lily and Marshall. Marshall reads it to Lily, "We're just hanging out." Lily mulls this over then says, "Not good enough." Marshall's holding Ted's bullwhip. He echoes Lily and then lashes the door. We cut to Ted's classroom, where he's asking what the class is all about. A student replies, "Economics," and Ted tries to affirm his answer by tying architecture into being economical with the use of space. Then adds, "So, well done. Looks like someone's building towards an A huh?" Shudder. Back at the apartment, Robin and Barney slide another note under the door that states they're seeing where things are going. Lily tells them things aren't going out of that bedroom and declares their answer not good enough, again. Marshall bellows, "Not good enough," and whips the door once more. I hope they had Alyson Hannigan behind a piece of plexiglass or something, because I jump every time Marshall cracks that whip. Back in the class, there's more embarrassment. I... I just can't do it. Back at the apartment, Marshall retrieves the latest note. "We're Barn-man and Robin." Marshall and I laugh, but not Ms. Lily. Not good enough! Crack! In the classroom, Ted tells anyone in the class who has the slightest inclination to be anything other than an architect that they should leave, now. So they all get up to leave. As he tries to stop them, another professor enters the room, apologizes for being late, and says, "This is Economics 305, you may return to your seats." Ted *still* doesn't get it until the professor lays the smack-down and one of the students says, "T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro." The class laughs, and Ted dies inside. We cut to...

Columbia/UC Sunnydale Exterior: As the theme from Indiana Jones plays, Ted runs across campus with his huge picture of the Empire State building. We jump to the apartment where Lily is sympathizing with Ted for being 20 minutes late on his first day. Then we flashback to his classroom, as Ted says, "Yeah, but here's the funny thing. By that point, I didn't have time to think about what kind of teacher I was going to be. I just got up there and talked about architecture. And it was kind of great." Lily and Marshall (who's wearing the whip around his neck) congratulate Ted, as do Barney and Robin, who are still trapped inside Robin's room. Marshall decides to speed things up using enhanced interrogation techniques. He breaks out the pancakes and bacon, and using a fan, directs the irresistible aroma toward Robin's door. That's all it takes. Although without checking the credits, I've got to say, this episode must have been written by guys, right? I'm thinking most women would have had to use the ladies' room before Ted even got to his class, never mind home again.

Robin and Barney agree to have the "stupid talk," but don't even know how to begin, so Lily slides a piece of paper under the door that reads, "Where do you see this relationship going?" They laugh at the cheesiness of that line, but then Robin wants an earnest answer. Harkening back to his mockery earlier in the episode, Barney says (straight, this time), "I don't know. It's not like I don't like you. I just haven't had a girlfriend for a long time. I hope that doesn't make you mad." It doesn't, Robin feels the same way. She adds, "I suck at relationships, I mean, except with Ted." Her face comes over all wistful. "Man, he really got it right. I know it's a cliché, but he really ruined me for other men." Saget!Ted breaks in. "Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation, but I have to imagine Robin said something like that." Of course you do, sweetie. They mull over the possibilities. Barney says, "Friends isn't going to work.... We're no good at being in a relationship. What are we good at?" Robin has just the thing. No, not sex, but don't feel bad, Barney made the same assumption. They're great at lying. They lied all summer. They can lie their way out of this predicament and bedroom, right now.

Out in the living room, Lily stands at the bedroom door and Ted sits by watching as Marshall plays with his whip. Lily retrieves the paper that Barney and Robin have just slid under the door, reads it, and smiles. "Really?" She holds it up for Marshall to see. It reads, "Boyfriend and Girlfriend." Barney and Robin embellish their lie...

ROBIN: Really. We sat down. We had the talk. Barney's my boyfriend now.

BARNEY: And Robin's my girlfriend. I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.

ROBIN: We're both afraid of commitment, but the fact is, we also can't live without each other. (Robin turns away from the door and toward Barney.)

BARNEY: And if the alternative is not being together, then it's worth taking this risk, 'cause... (Barney looks down at Robin. His voice changes. He's not lying, now.) ...She's awesome.

ROBIN: And he's awesome. (She fingers his lapels.) He looks nice in a suit.

BARNEY: She can handle her Scotch.

ROBIN: He's my boyfriend.

BARNEY: And she's my girlfriend.

Lily opens the door, and frees the prisoners from Gitmo. She hugs them, and doesn't notice that Robin looks more annoyed than friendly (and who can blame her -- I would have knocked Lily over on my way to the bathroom, then knocked her out when I got back). Marshall's still in the moment. He cracks the whip and yells, "GOOD ENOUGH!"

Apartment Building Exterior: Barney and Robin walk down the front steps, giddy that "she bought it." Robin proposes breakfast. Barney counters that brunch sounds kind of good (suddenly it's cool?). Robin smiles. "Well, lead the way, sweetie pie." Barney laughs and stops. "Whoa! Flugelhorn." Robin admits that felt wrong, too, and they giggle and whisper as they walk hand in hand through the streets of the city.

Marshall, Lily and Ted peek out the door and watch Robin and Barney depart. Ted says to Lily, "You do realize they were lying, right?" Lily smiles. "No, Ted. They don't realize they weren't lying." Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Never bring a sword to a gunfight.

End Tag: Barney and Ted sit at their booth in MacLaren's. Barney's in his suit. Ted's in a T-shirt. Marshall enters in a tuxedo. He greets everyone who looks at him like the fey James Bond he dreams of being. When he arrives at the booth, he sits to Barney and smiles. "What? Oh, no! Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night? Doesn't feel very good, does it?" And, I think for a moment that this might be the lamest end tag, ever, until I remember how horrible Marshall's hair looked last year and how cute he looks in his tux, tonight. Then I draw pink hearts around it and sigh.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why we think Neil Patrick Harris is one of the People Who Need Their Own Reality Shows!

Cindy McLennan is easily amused and more easily distracted. You can email her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com and see for yourself. When she's not drawing pink hearts around boys in tuxedos, she's recapping Lost and The Vampire Diaries. How's that for variety?