When the people at Laser Tag freak out because Barney won't back off of their kids, the manager -- McCracken -- summons Barney to his office. And his reaming-out of Barney turns into your typical jaded-old-black-cop vs. young-rogue-white-cop dialogue, so I'll save that for the weecap. McCracken gives Barney one last shot, which of course, Barney blows in 30 seconds.
Back at Ted's, Barney catches the gang up on his troubles. Barney wants Ted to help him break into the laser tag place, after hours, and T.P. the place. Ted's all, "I'm too old for this. I always was." He informs his friends he's adding this to the "Murtaugh List", which he uses to remind him of stuff, like he should never pull an all-nighter. [Note to editorial staff: That settles it; Ted can't recap.] Ted's point is that there's a metric ton of stuff you'll do in your 20s that you're way too old to do in your 30s, and Ted has named this list after Danny Glover's Lethal Weapon character, Roger Murtaugh, because he was always saying, "I'm too old for this shit." Although Ted says stuff because it's network TV, yo, and while they can apparently hurl douche around with impunity, shit is somehow beyond the pale. Anyhow, Ted and Barney make a bet. Barney eyeballs the list and says it amounts to "a pretty fun weekend." Ted counters, "If you did everything on that list, you would die." Of course, Barney says, "Challenge accepted," even though it was nothing of the sort. Barney wagers that he can accomplish everything on the Murtaugh list in 24 hours. If he wins, Ted must T.P. the laser tag joint with him. If he loses, Barney will listen to Ted lecture him about architecture for three hours. Once it's a bet, Barney's off and running. He pierces his own ear, which gets infected. And when he moves a futon into Ted's and sleeps there for a night (instead of in a hotel room) he throws out his back.
In the B plot, Marshall takes over as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team, and let's just say their... philosophies differ.
In the C plot (or at least, the counter to the A plot) Ted educates Robin on the glories of old age, after Barney and Robin give Ted a list of old-man stuff he has to do before Barney's 24 hours is up. The stakes, they are upped. If Barney wins, Ted not only has to help Barney T.P. the laser quest place, he has to buy the toilet paper. Similarly, if Ted wins, Barney must subject himself to six (not three) hours of architectural education at Ted's feet. While at a rave with Robin, Barney (in a hot pink wig!) gives up. But when he comes back to Ted's, Ted confesses that old age isn't all it's cracked up to be either, and leads the charge for their T.P. assault on laser tag. And, as you'd expect, Barney gets banned for life.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then add "Murtaugh List" to our recently-updated-and-yet-still-magically-incomplete HIMYM dictionary!
Okay, so this is breaking news to me, but will be old news once we publish, and yet? I am compelled to start the weecap by sharing that our very own Lily Aldrin -- Alyson Hannigan -- and her husband Alexis Denisof, are pleased to announce the birth of their daughter, Satyana Denisof. The little heiress to both acting chops and fetching good looks was born Monday, March 24, 2009, which was Alyson's 35th birthday (and my husband's birthday, not that that matters to you all). Oh, Aly! Blessings on all your pretty heads. And as one mom to another, I'm just going to suggest you don't read the New York Post's blog entry about your joyous news. I have this strange feeling that maybe it's not such a good idea to piss you off.
Right. Show time! Barney enters Ted's apartment, moaning to Ted, Robin and Marshall that they won't believe what happened last night, at Laser Tag. Ted says, "People freaked out because a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?" Barney wants to argue, but has to cop to the truth. And we flash back to...
Club Laser Tag: There's a bunch of 8-year-olds fighting fierce, and then there's... Barney. He scoops up a kid and uses him as a human shield while he departs into a more sheltered area of the club. He emerges without the child, whom we hear yell, "Ow! My shoulder!" But this is war. Barney will not be distracted, at least not until Uriel comes out and summons him to his office. By "Uriel" I mean actor Robert Wisdom, who I guess played a rabbit or something on some other show, I think it was something called The Wire. Ever heard of it? On HIMYM, Wisdom plays McCracken which is a great name, isn't it? Imagine it said with a good Scots burr. I bet people don't call him "McLellan" by mistake.
McCracken's Office, Club Laser Tag: McCracken, manager of Club Laser Tag, chews out Barney. "Disorderly game play, three counts of shoving, and now this? Stinson, you're a liability!" NPH has already slid into the role of rogue cop. "I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken, but, damn it..." He slams both hands on McCracken's desk. "I get results." McCracken tries another approach. "Look, you're a good Laser Tag player. Maybe the best I've ever seen. But one of these days, you're gonna get someone hurt. Maybe even yourself." Barney tells him he just forgets what it's like out there. "You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long." Dean Winchester would totally approve, he'd also work in something about him being "junkless," but he'd approve. McCracken's fed up. He tells Barney he's out of there, and orders him to hand in his gun and ID badge. Barney says, "With pleasure!" He slams both items on the desk and storms to the door... then stops, turns around and begs for another chance. "Please don't do this. This game is all I (sic) got!" Besides, he's almost won enough tickets for the remote-control helicopter. McCracken gives him one last chance, and a warning: "But so help me, if you so much as step one toe out of line, you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement so fast it's gonna make your head spin. Now, get out of here!" Barney gets right in his face, so close they could kiss with no effort, and whispers, "You won't regret this." Thirty seconds later, Barney's got his foot on the chest of a little kid who's lying on the floor and is laughing maniacally as he gives new meaning to the term overkill. The lights come on, McCracken emerges from his office, and Barney's banned for life. He falls to his knees and looks upward as he screams, "Noooooooooooooooooo!"
Ted's Apartment: When Marshall asks Barney what he's going to do about getting kicked out of Laser Tag, Barney says that he and Ted are going to break into the club after hours, and TP the place. Ted says they're not only too old for TPing Club Laser Tag; they're too old for Laser Tag, itself. In fact, Ted decides to add an item to his "Murtaugh List" which is named in honor of Danny Glover's Lethal Weapon character, Roger Murtaugh. It's a list of things Ted's now too old to do. He started it around the time he turned 30, and mistakenly thought he was still young enough to chug from a beer bong. In his 20s, Ted would have been happy and energetic after a night of beer-bonging. But at 30, while suffering his worst hangover ever, he realized the only person he could relate to was Detective Murtaugh, who is known for his quotable catch-phrase, "I'm too old for this shit." Only Saget!Ted busts in and changes "shit" to "stuff," because while he thinks it's just fine to tell his kids about Barney's sexcapades, and throw the word douche around willy-nilly, he would never, eeeeeeeeever say "shit" in front of his teen-aged children. What's up with that shit? Ted shares more items from the list, like pulling an all-nighter. Marshall imitates Murtaugh. "I'm too old for that stuff." Ted mentions eating a pizza in one sitting. Marshall groans, "I'm too old for that stuff." Ted says, "Or hanging posters on your wall without frames." Marshall growls, "Riggs. Riggs!" Jason Segel can't keep a straight face. "I'm too old for that stuff." He drops the Murtaugh imitation and adds, "By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?"
The gang all agrees about Lethal Weapon, except for Robin, who wants to set up the made-up Canadian joke of the week. "Oh, I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off. Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop. Sound familiar?" The gang looks at her with curiosity. "MacElroy and LeFleur." There's no response, so she adds, "Don't tell me you guys have never seen MacElroy and LeFleur? It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time!" Well, there you go. Even Barney rolls his eyes at her, but Robin will not be deterred. "MacElroy is a young, renegade Mountie, whose horse was just killed by evil Americans, while LeFleur, his grouchy old, African-Canadian partner, just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack in northern Alberta." While Barney and Ted start to argue her down, Marshall says he has to dash. Lily returns from the kitchen, where she may have been doing dishes, which hardly seems fair since she no longer lives there. She wishes him luck at "practice." He's now coaching her kindergarten class's basketball team. He thought it would be fun. Lily thought it would be good dad practice. But from future Ted's perspective, Marshall is a ridiculous hard-ass with the little ones, while Lily is so soft and flighty, she makes Glinda the Good Witch look like a shrew. When she brings the team orange slices for a snack, Marshall won't let the "little turds" have any because "oranges are for winners," while they haven't even sunk a basket. He then subjects them to suicide sprints. So much for "Coach Marshmallow."
Back at Ted's apartment, Barney tells Ted that he isn't too old to do anything on the list. "In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List, I'd call that a pretty fun weekend." Ted disagrees. "Barney, you are not 18 anymore. If you did everything on that list, you would die!" Barney lowers his beer from his mouth and looks off into the distance. Ted realizes what's happening and says, "That wasn't a... challenge." Barney interrupts before Ted's gotten the last word out. "Challenge accepted." He rises to his feet and says he's going to complete Ted's entire list in the 24 hours, and if he's successful, Ted will have to help him TP Club Laser Tag. Ted says, "And if you can't do it?" Barney squints. "I will spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture." Ted says it's a deal and asks Robin to "do the honors." Barney and Ted clasp hands. Robin grabs their forearms and directs their handshake and says, "A gentleman's agreement!" Ted and Barney respond, "Huzzah!" Hee! Barney's pumped, and marches off toward the bathroom yelling, "Bar-neeeeeeeeeee Ah Stinnnn-son!" Once they're alone, Robin wonders whether Ted was wise to engage in the bet, given how Barney is about stuff like this. Ted scoffs, saying there's some pretty hard stuff on the list. "I mean, do you really think Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?" Barney returns from the bathroom, holding a roll of toilet paper to his ear. At first, I think it's still in the wrapper, which would have been weird, if funny. But oh, no -- that scarlet pattern is not ink, but Barney's blood. He reviews the list as he walks past Robin and Ted. "'Get ear pierced'. Check!" , he's off to do his laundry at his mother's house. Commercial.
Barney brings a futon to Ted and Robin's place so he can crash on it, rather than in a hotel, and thus complete another item on the list. Robin says, "Ooh, I am too old for that stuff." Ted takes a good look at Barney's new piercing. "Dude, what's going on with your ear? Looks like the inside of a Jack-O'-Lantern on November 3rd." Barney tries to shrug it off. "What, this? It's just a little infecshhh. Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off. Plus, 'Put off going to the doctor'? On the list." His phone rings, and when he raises it to his right ear (the pierced one), he howls in pain. The camera pans to Robin who is holding her own cell phone. She cackles. And we cut to...
The School Gym: Marshall hollers at the little guys still working on their suicide sprints, then turns to Lily. "You know what's funny, is I was supposed to come here to teach them." He stops to yell at his charges, again. "Do not stop running!" He then continues talking to Lily. "This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me." He stops when he's distracted by something on the court. "Hey!" He takes aim and hurls the basketball at an unseen child. "That's not running! That's falling!" If you get a chance to play poker with Jason Segel, don't be afraid of his poker face. I'm just sayin'.
The morning, Barney wakes up on the futon in Ted's living room, with a back ache. We cut to MacLaren's, where he's at the booth, hunched over nearly as badly as my uncle who had Spondylitis. Reading from the list, he says, "'Drinking shots with strangers'? Check!" Sitting to Robin at the bar, Ted heckles Barney's pain. I like wise-ass Ted. Barney says he's just rocking a "party hunch" which brings him closer to his booze. He proposes a toast "to youth," and while the strangers drink, Barney struggles to find a way to do so without straightening up. He eventually moans for a straw. My uncle actually had to get a special cup. Robin admires how Barney is clinging to youth. She wonders who wants to get old. Ted does the old two-thumbs and says, "This guy." He's no Jim Halpert, though. I'm just sayin'... Ted says, "Life is a meal and old age is the dessert." He basically can't wait until everything has already happened. Robin drives home the point that both she and this season have been trying to make: "You can't just jump to the end. The journey is the best part." Ted pooh-poohs her, and we jump to...
The School Gym: When Lily calls Marshall out for picking on the kids, Marshall argues that he's not picking on them. "I'm picking on the culture of losing around here. I've got to get them in shape if they're gonna win that game tomorrow." Lily laughs, because there's no winning in kindergarten basketball. They don't even keep score. Marshall's enraged. He can't imagine the point of playing without keeping score. He asks Lily what she was doing with the team before he took on coaching. She says she was coaching them, and we sideways slide to an earlier scene in the gym. Lily's got a guitar in her lap and strums it while she calls the kids "little angels" and "luminous, wonderful beings of light." Those who aren't sitting or lying down on the gym floor are doing things like running around in capes. At least three of them have a basketball, and another is throwing a football. As a parent, allow me to say this is a pretty accurate depiction of kindergartners who are supposed to be doing anything at all. When a kid asks her the score, she says, "It's all tied up at Fun to Fun!" When we sideways slide back to the present, where she tells Marshall about how everyone gets a participation trophy. He's disgusted. "It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now." And we cut to...
The School Gym: Lily's all blah blah blah, your dad was tough on you; learn from his mistakes. Marshall's all mistakes? What mistakes. I'll make these losers winners, yet! She gets really angry. Marshall, as I've already noted, maybe it's not such a good idea to piss her off.. She tells Marshall he won't be coaching her team or raising their kids like this, and that tomorrow, he'd better be no less than a "teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows, or [she] will silent-treatment [his] ass into the ground." Terrified, Marshall just listens to her. "You'll think the time I found your Internet search history was a freakin' picnic! Are we clear?!" Wasn't Lily the one who could match up "plot" to porn film, just a couple of weeks ago? Marshall tries to introduce the idea that there are different schools of philosophy on child sports, but she yells him down and walks away. Marshall calls after her, "You know what's ironic, is that now..." His voice sudden rises four octaves, and he squeals, "Lily, noooooooooooooooo!" as from off-screen, she hurls a chair at him. And this is a place where I have a hard time remembering it's Alyson (not Lily) who is (was) pregnant, probably because while pregnant, my sister-in-law Sherri once threw a lawn chair at her brother, Keith. Hey, fam! Wassssup?!
A rave in what looks like it could be MacLaren's alley: Barney and Robin are wearing things that light up and blink, and crazy, neon clothing. Barney's hair is hot pink. Robin's got false eyelashes on that would make the most flamboyant drag queen lecture her on the notion of less-is-more. Barney's hunched over worse than ever and is begging Robin to call Ted and give up the contest. She's calling, but she reminds him that it's 4:30 AM, so Ted won't be awake. We cut to Ted who is dressed, and seated at his table, checking the "Up at 4:00" item off his list. The phone rings. Ted says, "Ooh, perfect, 'Take forever to answer the phone'." He does, and at the rave Barney falls to the ground crying that someone gave him aspirin that he doesn't think was aspirin, and we cut to...
School Gym; The Big Game: Marshall apologizes to his team for having been so hard on them, and tells them not to worry about winning today. He's clearly only doing so because Lily is looking on. His voice breaks when he tells them to have fun. Saget!Ted then narrates that every time "Uncle Marshall" has told the story over the years, the opposing team has gotten bigger and bigger. What we see is a group of high schoolish looking players, pitted against Marshall's wee kindergarten team. We watch as Marshall cheers on all their bad moves; we watch as his soul dies. Occasionally, he'll slip in a criticism, like, "Addison, it's not soccer; you don't kick the ball." Then Lily gives him her resolved look, and he adds, "Unless you think that's... fun. In which case... great job... having fun." Each time he has to play along with Lily's game, he loses another spark of light. We leave him getting a load of crap from a teenaged ref, who didn't like his (calm, subdued) tone.
Ted's apartment: Robin and Ted bring home an injured Barney, and Robin tries to talk Barney into giving up, but he's only got one item left on his list -- the beer bong. Ted takes out some old, warm Russian beers he found in his building's basement. Robin makes a "brewski" pun, and then takes one without a thought, but every time Ted gets near Barney with the beer and beer bong, Barney just can't make himself go through with it. He finally tells Ted he wins. "I hate this. I hate all of it. My back is killing me. Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc. My ear hurts so bad I can hear it! I can hear my own ear! Think about that!" Barney pulls at the mesh shirt he's wearing over a tennis ball-colored tank. "My clothes. What is it? What is it? What am I... get this stuff off of me! I'll pay you double for your finest suit." He takes out $30 and tells Ted to throw in the shoes. Hee. I sort of like the mesh shirt on him. NPH has some nice arms, no? Barney swears he'll never again do anything on the Murtaugh list. And defeated, he adds, "I'm too old for this... stuff."
Ted confesses that when he went to bed at 8:00 PM as per his list, he couldn't sleep. Give it a few years and a few kids, honey, and get back to me. Anyhow, he spent the night watching all four Lethal Weapon flicks and realized that although Murtaugh is always complaining that he's too old for this shit, he keeps making movies and doing more shit. This is a lovely grace note for Ted, who usually loves being right. "I guess what I'm saying is... screw being old. Let's go TP Laser Tag, huh?" He then pulls out a big package of toilet paper. Barney yells out the most enthusiastic "YEAH!" he can muster, then adds, "And then? The hospital." And we cut to...
The School Gym; The Big Game: By now, future Ted has future Marshall inserting a Teen Wolf character into his memories of the formidable opposing team. The score, if anyone was keeping track (MARSHALL!), would be about 53 to nothing. Them. One of the little guys asks Marshall what they're doing wrong. Marshall finally responds, "You know what? You're not doing anything wrong. It's great that you guys are losing..." Lily gives him the old hairy eyeball, but Marshall's on a roll. "...because in life, it doesn't matter how much effort you put in, or how hard you try. People will just give you things like diplomas and jobs and promotions. So, it doesn't matter what you do out there, as long as... as long as you have fun." In order to avoid arguing in front of the children, Lily and Marshall then have a telepathic exchange, in which he tells her he can't take it anymore, and asks for permission to do it his way. Lily says that's fine, but she's doing it her way too, and she's bringing out the guitar. And of course Saget!Ted frames his narration as if we're going to learn that makes all the difference, but it doesn't. The team ends up losing something like 118 to nothing. There should be a slaughter rule. There would be, if they actually kept score. But then the show tries to tell us Lily was right. I'm fine with Marshall being grateful to receive a participation trophy, and even with him saying, "Maybe your way isn't totally stupid," but when Lily replies, "Thanks, your way is totally stupid," they lose me. Don't get me wrong, Marshall was way out of line throughout, but Lily was ridiculous throughout. I would have at least liked Lily to nod at Marshall's point that when this philosophy is taken too far, it can teach kids an unearned sense of entitlement. Let's go to commercial so I don't break into a rant, because this was an enjoyable episode, and maybe the writers were just trying to avoid belaboring the point at the expense of a laugh.
Club Laser Tag: Ted, Robin and a still-broken Barney are just about done TPing the club when McCracken walks in and bellows, "Stinson!" He softens his tone as he approaches Barney. "Son, you have been a pain in my ass ever since you joined this club." He looks around at the new decorations to his place. "...But damn it, if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen." Barney looks up with hope shining so brightly from his eyes that it bounces off his eyebrow piercing and nearly blinds me. McCracken continues: "You're reinstated, effective immediately." Barney straightens up as best he can and wonders if it's really true. McCracken closes in as if he's about to embrace him, then gets right in his face. "Hell, NO! I'm calling the police." He steps back, shaking his head. "Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper. You've got to be kidding me. I'm too old for this sh--" Saget!Ted says, "Stuff. He said stuff." And we fade to black.
In honor of little Satyana Denisof's birth, I made a couple of little lists below, noting how HIMYM dealt with Alyson and Cobie's pregnant figures in this episode. Did you spot these:
Baby Bump Blockers
- Robin in Ted's apartment: A magazine.
- Lily in Ted's apartment: A dish towel AND an enormous pink scarf that might be bigger than Alyson Hannigan's entire body.
- Lily at Basketball: The scarf AND a two gallon tub filled with orange slices AND a rack full of basketballs.
- Robin in Ted's apartment: A laundry basket.
- Lily, seated, at Basketball: A 5-gallon water cooler, a stack of cups, a basketball.
- Lily in a gym flashback: A guitar.
- Lily in a gym flashback: A jacket she's balled up and his holding over her stomach, and a rack of basketballs.
Baby Bump Bloopers
- Despite the dish towel, scarves, cooler, basketballs and the guitar, there's not a whole lot of hiding the wee Denisof in any scene.
- During the first "Gentleman's Agreement" in Ted's apartment, the outline of Robin's bump is slightly visible underneath her canary yellow top.
- At MacLaren's, Robin's bump is visible under her dark, sleeveless top, as she walks up to the bar.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then add "Murtaugh List" to our recently-updated-and-yet-still-magically-incomplete HIMYM dictionary!
Did you find any other baby bump blockers or bloopers? If so, email them to Cindy at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com.