With a premise so farfetched it might not fly in an episode of the cartoons and '80s flicks it references, "The Stinsons" still manages to be funny and warm enough to earn its thirty minutes. We'll get to those references in the full weecap, but for now, here's the skinny to tide you over.
Barney isn't interested in the three blondes drinking "bad decision juice" at the bar, so while he's away from the booth, the gang talks about how odd he's been acting, and they wonder if he's got a girlfriend. When he leaves the bar in a hurry, they follow him out of MacLaren's and tail him in a Ranjit-less cab, to a house that's not even in Manhattan. Lily cheerfully knocks on the door; Barney answers and they barge in, demanding to see her. And her -- that is she -- is Francis Conroy a.k.a. Ruth Fisher, and on HIMYM, she's Loretta -- Barney's mother. I know! I can't believe he has one, either. She feels like she knows the gang, because Barney goes on about them, every day when they talk. I know! Robin feels the same way we do and awws at him. Lily teases him about being a big old Mama's boy, when a pretty blonde walks down the stairs and BAM Barney introduces her as Betty… HIS WIFE! Soon a little boy runs up behind him and BAM he hops on Barney's back. Barney tells the gang this is Tyler. HIS SON! Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
Seven years ago, Loretta was on her deathbed. Since her only wish was for her sons not to wind up alone like she had been, Barney hired an actress, Margaret, to play his fiancée. Loretta then expressed regret that she wouldn't be around long enough to see her grandchildren, so "Betty" went off book and claimed to be pregnant. Loretta then had a no less than miraculous recovery. Rather than admit his fib, Barney remembered he lives in a sitcom and borrowed/babysat a neighbor's kid, but eventually he cast Grant to play the role of Tyler. Grant is already jaded with acting, so he and Robin commiserate about the difficulties of establishing oneself. Margaret's still enthusiastic about acting and she and Ted hit it off. While Loretta's out of the room, Ted realizes he's seen some of Margaret's work and confesses his interest in theater… wait, this is Ted -- the theatre, so Margaret gives him a list of acting essentials. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily have some alone time with Loretta and learn she was quite the…um…Barney in her day, and she tells them she wonders how Barney turned out to be so perfect. While trying to convince Barney to be honest with his mom, Lily comes a little too clean with Marshall about her feelings for his mother and let's just say the two of them don't make a convincing case for the truth.
After dinner, "Betty" goes off book again, and is caught by Loretta and the rest of the gang, making out with Ted in the kitchen. "Tyler" manages to cry and run out of the room impressing his formerly disappointed fake-dad. But Ted decides to work off the acting notes he's just gotten from Margaret and improvises, making matters worse.
Alone, in the living room, Barney finally confesses all to his mother and is stunned by her reaction. She's relieved. She can't stand "Betty" or "Tyler" or any of Barney's "fake friends." Ooops. Meanwhile, little Grant tries to make a move on Robin out on the front porch, in case we already forgot the earlier reminders that HIMYM is a sitcom. Back in the living room, Barney lets his mother know how promiscuous he is, and she lets him know he's not the only one. She makes him promise that if he ever does meet someone special, he won't be like her and run away from it -- that he'll take a shot at it. Just then, Robin enters to tell Barney their cab has arrived. Barney promises he'll try.
Margaret and Ted share one cab, while Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily share another. Apparently six-year-old Tyler is going it alone on the mean streets, tonight. Lily fakes that she's talking to Marshall's mother Judy, on her cell, but she's really being coached on what to say by Margaret, from the other cab. Her faux attempt at reconciliation with his mom moves Marshall to tears and thus peace is restored in Dowistrepla. I'll cover the end tag in the weecap. See you tomorrow.
See the lingo we've learned from HIMYM. Come back tomorrow for Cindy's full weecap.
Ever since I learned this episode's title -- "The Stinsons" -- I've been earwormed with the theme music from The Simpsons, so I planned to call this one "Guy N. Cognito," but once I watched the opening scene, I couldn't get rid of my Beatles earworm, although it did get rid of that Simpsons earworm. Wait, it's back. Oh no, now they're dueling. Frak. Just thought I'd share.
The Fab Five are at MacLaren's, in their usual booth. Lily points out to Barney that there are "three blonde babies drinking bad decision juice" at the bar. I hope Zach adds "bad decision juice" to the HIMYM Lexicon. That's a good one. [Yeah, I need to update that thing with "Woo Girl," "Naked Man," "reading a magazine" and "possimpible." - Z] Marshall is impressed with his wife's scouting ability, but Barney's completely uninterested in the low-hanging fruit and says he has to get going. Lily's shocked. "Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk. Isn't that your type?" Right? Barney looks at Lily as if he's seeing a totally inaccurate picture of himself through badly damaged eyes. "Maybe I don't have a type, Lily. God, do you think the male mind is really that simplistic -- that we all have one favorite type?" Oh, oh, oh, I know guys who have two. Barney's not listening to me. He's too busy being self-righteous. He rises and sneers at Lily. "Geez." Then he leans in toward Ted and Marshall, "Asian with some boob." So, he's like the Brothers Winchester, then? Actually, I don't find that at all surprising -- at least Dean.
Barney takes off for the men's room before leaving, so the gang talks about how odd he's been acting lately. Ted saw him buying roses, despite his pledge never to buy anything living for a woman because it might remind her of babies. Robin's all, "What?" because she can't remember getting any roses and this week I'm firmly in the She's-Got-To-Know-Right? column. Marshall mentions that he overheard Barney on the phone at GNB, planning a brunch, a trip to the farmer's market, and then a hike. He ended the call with, "I love you, too." Marshall backed out of the office at the time, figuring Barney was just talking to some girl he wanted to nail, or Ted. Heh. Robin still looks perplexed, while Lily's eyes are wide with shock. She says, "Do you think it's possible that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?"
Just then, Barney returns to the booth to say goodbye to his friends, so Lily asks him where he's going. "Nowhere. The beach. It's winter. Laser tag. Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere!" Then he runs out of the bar. Figuring that he's meeting "her" right now, the gang (without leaving a tip) flees MacLaren's and grabs a cab (with no Ranjit in it; his Town Car has stolen him from us). When Ted realizes they're not even in Manhattan anymore and wonders where "this girl" lives, Robin reminds them they're talking about someone who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit. "I'm guessing Narnia." Heh. I'm recapping Lost now too, so for a minute, I thought that was a clue of which I should make note. I'm back, now. Darn island and its magnets always pulling at me despite my better intentions.
Eventually, Barney enters a blue house with white trim, so the gang de-cabs and, with Lily leading the charge, they trudge up onto a perfect stranger's front porch, where Lily can't wait to knock on the door. Barney answers with a "What the hell are you guys doing here?" but they barge right past him and into the house. Lily says, "Where is she? Where's your girlfriend?" and I'm struggling to stay in the moment, because who are these people? I love this show and these characters, and most of the more outlandish plots I can chalk up to 2030's Ted being an unreliable narrator with a penchant for embellishment, but I can't imagine that while in our late 20s or early 30s, my friends and/or I would have ever done anything like this. I know this is a sitcom, and I'm good with that, not to mention I think it's one of the better sitcoms out there (along with The Office and 30 Rock), but I like it better when it doesn't use such contrivances to tell me the story.
Before Barney can answer Lily's question, She appears and She is Frances Conroy a.k.a. Ruth Fisher. Lily turns to Barney: "You really don't have a type, do you?" Barney introduces his friends to this woman -- Loretta. She's his... mother. Okay, that didn't deserve the wait-for-it ellipsis, did it? Loretta says she feels like she knows the gang, because Barney goes on and on about them, every day, when they talk. Robin wears her smitten face and asks, "You call your mom every day?" Barney's all, "NO!" then turns to his mother and says, "Mom!" under his breath, and I sort of feel badly for NPH, because he's better than this dialogue, which is supposed to make him sound like an adolescent, but I don't know an adolescent who'd do that Mom! thing within his friends' hearing.
Lily says, "So that's what you were being all secretive about? You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy." Barney gives this the you-got-me treatment and tries to hustle his friends out the door when -- whoa mama! -- a pretty blonde walks down the stairs, and Barney introduces her as Betty...HIS WIFE! Betty and Barney? Hee. Now my Simpsons and Beatles earworms are mixing in with my newly acquired earworm of The Flintstones theme song. It goes like this:
Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they're...
The Stinsons...
Get back to where you once belonged
The town of Bedrock
Your mama's waiting.
, a little boy comes running up behind Barney and jumps on his back. Barney introduces him as Tyler. Did you manage not to think of Ty from The Bachelor? If so, I am interested in subscribing to your program. Barney introduces Tyler as... his son. Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
When we return from commercial, the happy Stinsons are giggling with one another while our gang's collective jaw is busy dust-mopping the entryway. Loretta announces that Betty's going to help her get dinner ready. There's plenty for everyone, so she invites them all to stay. Betty turns to Barney and says, "But remember, you -- only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard said about your cholesterol." I don't think there's going to be seconds, Betty, since a meatloaf for four is now going to be served to eight. Barney aw-shuckses about Betty wanting him to live forever, and she cloys back at him, "Guilty." He and Betty exchange I-LOVE-YOUs and a smooch, then Barney shoos Tyler off to the kitchen with his mom and grandmother, with a playful smack on the bottom. And calls him, "Scamp." I swear I am not making this up. Clearly though, Barney must be, so let's get to the revelation, show.
Once Barney's family is gone, he looks at his friends in wide-eyed innocence. "So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?" And remember when I said my friends and I never would have crashed a stranger's home like this? That's still true. But -- if we were forced to at gunpoint or something, and I then found out my friend was living a secret life with a secret son and wife, nothing but death would have gotten me out of the stranger's house until I had the full story. Okay, except maybe the aforementioned gun. Robin's with me and says, "What the hell, Barney?" Barney says, "Okay, it's a long story. As you know, my father had to leave my mom when I was a baby, because he got hired as the host of The Price is Right." Nice callback, show.
The gang's timing on their response is great. They all nod and speak at once. Robin says, "Oh... yeah," while Lily says, "It was a very good show," while Ted says, "Right... we... forgot," and Marshall loudly and clearly deadpans, "Bob Barker is your father."
Barney continues: "She had to raise my brother and me by herself. And her only wish was for her sons not to wind up alone, like she was. Then, about seven years ago, she got really sick." FLASHBACK to Loretta's hospital room. Barney narrates: "It looked like she wasn't going to make it. So, I decided to make her wish come true." We see Barney and "Betty" at Loretta's bedside. He introduces Betty to his dying mother and tells her they're engaged. FLASH FORWARD to Loretta's living room, where Barney confesses that he hired an actress -- her real name is Margaret -- to play the part of his fiancée Betty so his mom could pass in peace. He goes off on a tangent here about how Margaret mostly does off-Broadway, but she's really good and she coulda woulda shoulda gotten a Tony, but for the politics of it all, which is pretty adorable, not least of all because of NPH's own history treading the boards. There's just one problem with Margaret -- while playing Betty, she tends to go off-book. FLASHBACK to Loretta's hospital room, again. When Barney drives home the point to his mother that he's found someone just like she wanted, she's happy for him, she just wishes she could stick around for grandchildren. "Betty" blurts out, "I'm pregnant!" FLASH FORWARD to Loretta's living room and Barney recounts for his friends his mother's miraculous recovery. Of course he was thrilled by this turn of events, but it meant he had to keep Betty around, and cast a child as Tyler (once he could no longer borrow/babysit his neighbor's son). There's a FLASHBACK to Barney auditioning children and it seems he auditioned some of their mothers, too, because a blonde saunters over to him after he's dismissed auditioning juves, and says, "You said if I slept with you, my son would get the part." Barney doesn't care enough to even look her straight in the eye. "Well, apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid." Hooooo!
Back in Loretta's living room, Barney snarls about Grant, the child he cast to play Tyler. Ted thinks he seems pretty good, but when Grant returns to the living room with a bag of chips, Barney demonstrates that the kid doesn't even respond to his character's name, by calling it over and over again. Um, Barney, my often kids don't respond to their real names, unless I'm calling them to eat or buy something. I'm just saying. Barney says, "Call me crazy, but I think child actors were better back in the '80s." Heh! And we cut to the scene.
Cut to the kitchen where Lily and Marshall are now helping Loretta with dinner. She must have tired out Margaret. Loretta, dear, if you need that much help making meatloaf, UR DOIN IT WRONG. Call Boston Market for take-out, there are plenty near you. And Barney's loaded; you can stick him with the tab. Lily and Marshall are making awkward small talk with Loretta about what a great mom she is. Who does this with someone whose home they've just invaded? Good thing they're so cute. Loretta admits she wasn't the best mother when she was younger. When Marshall pooh-poohs this, Loretta off-handedly says, "Yeah, I was a bit of a whore," which explains so much -- don't you think? Lily does a double-take and says, "Excuse me?" Loretta replies, "A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it, but still, I had some fun." Lily is trying to keep her eyeballs from popping out and landing into the over-mixed meatloaf. Loretta adds, "There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, 'I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but for the eight minutes we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom' -- Gas station bathroom? Unclean, unclean! -- 'right off its foundation and then just drive off in opposite directions.'" She looks off. "Just keep driving." And right here and now, I'd like to personally thank my friends' mothers for never, ever telling me about their rampant promiscuity. Er... not that my friends' mothers are dirty whores, because they're not, I don't think, and if they are, please don't tell me. Marshall breaks her reverie, and then she adds that's all in her past now, she just wonders how Barney turned out to be so perfect. Oh, he's perfect, all right. The perfect apple nestled atop a root from your very own tree, Loretta.
Cut to the living room: Marshall and Lily try to convince Barney to be honest with his mom. Barney's afraid the truth will kill her, but Marshall hates to lie to such a kind-hearted woman, who reminds him of his own mother. Lily scoffs at the idea of Judy Eriksen being kind-hearted, and after Marshall reassures her that she can be totally honest with him, she admits that she hates his mother. Marshall yells, "Well, guess what? I hate you!" Hee. Just then, Loretta comes in and gives the 2 minute warning for meatloaf. From the couch, Grant says, "Tyler no likey!" Yeah, no, we don't have to keep him on the show. This show does not need kids. Barney reminds Grant that he is not getting a catch phrase, tells him he's not afraid to recast, and hands him a script to memorize for the "big dinner scene." Robin wants to know what's up with scripting the dinner conversation. Barney explains that it's just stuff that will make his mom happy. He's a very good son, in the most horrible sort of way, isn't he?
Cut to dinner -- "Betty" is telling the group about how she thought Barney forgot their anniversary, and she stormed out into the backyard, really pissed. Barney says, "Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it." He looks at Betty. "Doing it right now! Doing it right now!" She tells him to "Stop it, Mister," and Barney says, "Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue." Then he whispers to Ted, "This is what you're actually like in a relationship." Not wrong. And? It's kind of sweet that Barney's scripting his ideal of Barney-as-husband based on a Ted model. Betty's story finishes with Barney having the whole yard lit with candles, and a string quartet. Glurge. Then Barney tries to prompt "Ty Ty" into telling his grandmother about his recent "nightmare," but Grant can't remember his lines. He tries: "The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me?" Marshall says, "Thanks a lot buddy; I didn't need to sleep tonight." Barney corrects him -- Ty Ty's nightmare was that his Mommy and Daddy didn't know how much he loved them. "So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this..." Barney stretches out his arms, "...much." Ay caramba! Margaret and Ted are no longer at the table, but Loretta says that she's going to go down to the cellar freezer and bring up some ice cream and then set up a sundae bar in the kitchen. Once she's gone, Barney reams Grant for being the weak link in their scene, but Robin jumps to his defense, explaining that it's hard to do a job that's beneath you. She compliments the boy on his story about the dinosaur bones, and Marshall says, "Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones?" The big baby. Barney orders Grant to go eat his sundae. Grant says he can't, because he's lactose intolerant. Barney gets really nasty and tells him that Tyler isn't lactose intolerant, so he's going to go in the kitchen with them and enjoy every bite. Loretta returns, and they make their way to the kitchen, only to find "Betty" making out with Ted. Loretta yells, "Oh! My God." Tyler says, "Tyler no likey!" Barney turns on him. "You're not getting the catch phrase." Commercial.
After ad-libbing that he doesn't want his parents to get a divorce, "Tyler" manages to cry and run out of the room, impressing his formerly disappointed fake-dad with his improvisational skills. Meanwhile, Ted decides to work off the acting notes he's just gotten from Margaret -- which also include improvisation, as well as crafting rich back-stories for characters, making matters worse. The scene was such a turn-off, I can't bear to give you details. Suffice it to say he makes up a wild tale about Barney seducing Ted's blind fiancée years ago on a train to Monte Carlo. He then recalls Margaret's advice about not being afraid to get physical, and slaps Barney's face. Twice. Barney can't deal with everyone being off-book like this, so he encourages Loretta to give them some privacy. While Barney rips Ted a new one, Margaret is effusive with her praise of his mad acting skillzzzzz.
Barney is in a tizzy trying to figure out how he's going to explain any of this to his mother. Lily suggests it's time to tell his mother the truth. Marshall's still angry about Lily's earlier admission. "I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me because I was the runt of the family." Realizing his friends are looking (up) at him, Marshall adds, "For crying out loud, I'm only six-four!" He storms out of the kitchen and we SIDEWAYS SLIDE to...
The front porch: Grant is reveling in his big emotional moment. Robin reminds him that even though he hates the gig, he loves his craft. He says maybe that's how it will be for Robin at her new job. She thanks him, tells him he's pretty smart, and gives him a friendly squeeze. When she pulls away, he lifts his head and puckers his lips, just waiting for a big smoocheroo. Robin yells, "Whoa, whoa," and Grant remembers himself. Waving his hand, he says, "Sorry. Sorry. Thought I was picking up on something." Remember where I said he's supposed to be six? Yeah. Right.
Cut to Loretta's living room. Barney walks in, and she asks him if he's okay. He tells her there's something he should have told her a long time ago, and then says, "Tyler is dying, and Betty said when he goes, she's going to off herself. So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon." He stops himself, though, once he realizes how he's alarmed Loretta, and comes clean about hiring Margaret and Grant to play his family, saying that he just wanted her to think he had the life she wanted for him -- that he wanted her to be proud of him.
Loretta's reaction? "So Betty is not your wife? Thank God! I do not like that woman. (...) And Tyler -- I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate that kid. 'Tyler no likey'! What the hell is that?" Barney agrees, so she adds, "Those fake friends of yours out there? I just wanted to shoot myself."Barney holds up a finger as if to say wait a minute then thinks better of it. "I know, aren't they horrible?" Heh, baby steps then, I guess. And yeah, they can be horrible sometimes, I suppose. Especially Ted and Lily -- but they're not professionals at horribility. Ahem.
Barney makes sure Loretta's okay with this. She's just confused about why he'd think he had to do something like this for her sake. She loves him no matter what. Barney confesses that he's as far from married as is possible and says, "My history with women would shock and appall you." He gives her some blurry water-colored details, so she finally stops him by saying, "Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, being passed around like a bong." Barney reels back and says, "Mommy," and I silently bless my mother for being relatively boring. Loretta asks him to do her a favor. "If you ever do meet someone special, don't run away from it. Don't be me. Take a shot at it, will you?" And right then, who should open the door and announce their cab is there, but Ted. Barney runs to him, and they make out. No! That's not it. It is, of course, Robin who announces the arrival of their cab. Barney looks after her as she walks off the porch, then turns to his mother and says, "I'll try."
Saget!Ted tells us, "And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives." That's all we get from him this week.
In the cab on the way home, Barney sits in the front seat with the driver while Lily talks on her cell phone: "If I ever seemed cold or unwelcoming, I'm sorry." Robin asks who she's talking to, and Marshall tells her it's his mom. But is it? Not so much. Ted's not in this cab. He's in a separate one with Margaret, who is using Ted's cell to coach Lily on what to say and how to say it, in order to fake Marshall into thinking she's having a loving, air-clearing conversation with his mom. When Marshall hears Lily tell "Judy" she loves her and then call her "Mom," he's moved to tears. Lily almost flubs the thing by repeating Margaret's instruction to "pretend I said something nice," but she covers well enough, and ends the conversation with her "mother-in-law" with a promise to "speak soon." Marshall kisses her hands and we fade to black.
End tag: At MacLaren's, Marshall says, "Let me get this straight. You're really telling me that when you watch The Karate Kid, you don't root for Daniel-san?" Barney says, "Nope." Ted asks who he roots for in Die Hard. Barney says, "Hans Gruber, charming international bandit -- at the end, he died hard. He's the title character." Lily asks about The Breakfast Club. Barney says, "The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit." Robin brings up Terminator. Barney says, "What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill those people?" His friends look at him with alarm, but he's all choked up. "I'm sorry..." He covers his mouth and chokes out his words. Ted swears he'll never watch another movie with Barney, ever again. Barney sobs. "They didn't even try to help him!" And? Scene.
Not my favorite episode, but as I said in the recaplet, it still managed to be funny, despite its shaky premise. The Robin and Barney plot inched forward too, which is interesting to me. I can't figure out how they're going to handle those two in a way that will work. Maybe week will tell. 'Til time...
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HIMYM parlance with our How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage gallery.Cindy McLennan also recaps Lost. You can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com with your comments, questions and ice cream sundaes.