At MacLaren's, Ted tells the gang how, with time, he's recovered from his hurt over being left at the altar, and is ready to move on from Stella. Lily reminds him that the wedding was only 24 hours ago, but he refuses to dwell on it, and insists they celebrate a great new chapter in his life. Marshall thinks Ted should be furious. Barney suggests that Ted may actually be relieved. Lily insists he's in bad shape and that they should be there for him. And everyone tries (okay, Barney just tries to use Ted's apartment for canoodling with two women, when he thinks Ted's out), but Ted will have none of it.
After two weeks, it all boils over -- from the rest of the gang. They can't take it that Ted hasn't fallen apart or blown up. He insists that pushing down the pain is the Buckeye way, and all it requires is to avoid running into Stella for the rest of his life. When they decide to go out to dinner, Ted pulls out a color-coded map of neighborhoods Stella frequents (red areas), and Stella-free zones (white) to narrow down their choices. Lily remembers hearing about a Tapas place in the white zone, which turns out to be pretty nice. As Ted asks the waiter for some almonds to set up the inevitable joke about him being without nuts, he asks Lily how she heard of the place. She can't remember until...
Stella walks in. Ted tells everyone to follow his lead and promptly dives under the table. They refuse to join him until they panic when Stella starts to turn toward them. Under the table, Lily tells Ted the New York way isn't to avoid, but to take your anger and shove it right up in people's faces. Lily insists there isn't anyone she'd avoid, until Ted reminds her of Michael Stasser. Lily went to high school with Mike. She ruined what little social standing he had when she cut the cheese, deflected the blame to Stasser, and re-Christened him Gasser. Barney tells us about his conjugal visits with convict Becca DeLucci, which he botched when he attempted to throw Becca over for a new felon. He still receives letters from Becca, threatening him with bodily harm once she's finally released. Ted feels his point has been proved and insists they stay under the table, but when Marshall checks and sees Stella is gone, they return to their seats. Ted starts to gloat about avoidance, Ohio-style, when Stella returns and they all take a dive again.
Marshall says Ted needs to talk to Stella, but Robin disagrees. She tells her friends a little about her bad relationship with her father, Victor Freaking Newman... er, I mean Eric Braeden... that is, Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Senior. Robin hasn't spoken to her dad in three years, but the trouble started with her birth. Papa Sherbatsky wanted a son and treated his daughter Robin -- whose full name is Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr. -- as such. At age 14, Robin's otherwise all-male hockey team won a big game. Robin Sr. had the "lads" back to his house for a celebration, and when he found young Robin kissing a teammate, he had to come to terms with the fact that he had no son. There are some great Canada gags in here which will be covered in the weecap (confidential to Kylie and Diana: wait for it). After telling her story, Robin realizes how bottling up her feelings has hurt her, which makes Ted realize it's not too late for him to escape being haunted by Stella for years.
Stella's left the restaurant, so the gang chases after her cab in one of their own. When Stella's cab doesn't take the Lincoln tunnel, Ted realizes the "home" she referred to when placing her take-out order at the restaurant wasn't her New Jersey house, but Tony's downtown apartment. It hits Ted that while Stella insisted that he move to Jersey, she's willing to live in the city with Tony, and so Ted explodes. When her cab stops in front of Tony's building, Lily encourages Ted to plan his approach, because he'll have one shot at this. Sounding like Dirty Harry, Ted says he knows exactly what to say...
As Stella climbs the stairs to Tony's building, Ted calls out to her. "You picked the wrong guy." He tells her she made a really bad choice and why, and hammers home his point in a way that's more assertive than I'd expect from Ted. She calls out to him as he storms off, so he explains he's not trying to win her back. He just wants to know that she knows she made the biggest mistake of her life. Stella's eyes fill up; her voice is choked. "I know." Ted is glad. Stella watches him walk off. In the cab -- hey! There were no flashes forward, or back! No sideways slides! You tricky little show. In the cab, Ted tells his friends that's what he'll say. Ted exits to spy Tony and little Lucy coming out to welcome Stella home. Ted watches as this happy little family greets one another with kisses and hugs. He's no longer angry, because he believes Stella is meant to be with Tony. Saget!Ted tells his kids that although swallowing anger or throwing it in someone's face may seem like the only choices, the third option of letting it go is the best one, because then you can move forward. He ends with, "And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there -- waiting for me."
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our celebration of the MacLaren Gang's favorite words in How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage! And check back tomorrow for the full Weecap!
Over a brief montage of Ted reading Stella's Dear John letter, and Stella smooching with Tony on the ferry back from Shelter Island, Saget!Ted tells his kids that a wedding should be the perfect ending to a perfect love story, and on behalf of the happily married people out here, I'd just like to say, "HEY!" That's not true, Saget!Ted. I can see 2008-you talking that way, because he sees marriage as an endgame, but I've been hoping that by the year 2030, you would have gained some perspective, Saget!Ted. I hope your love affair with the mother didn't end when you got married.
Saget!Ted's not listening to me. He's still torturing his kids. "My wedding -- at least my first wedding -- didn't go so well." Stella and Tony's kiss fades into current day Ted, at MacLaren's. He sounds, if not sanguine, then wiser. "It's funny looking back on it now. I was so sure Stella was the one. And when she left me, I was so devastated." Marshall's expression puzzles me, considering how well-adjusted Ted sounds. Ted continues: "But you guys got me through it." Marshall looks at Robin, with a definite WTF face, but quickly recovers. Barney stares ahead as if he's afraid to meet anyone's eyes. Ted says, "And now the painful part's over. I've come out the other side, a little bit stronger. You know, I hardly even think about her anymore." Barney looks at Robin out of the corner of his eye. Lily's eyes dart left and right. Ted tells us, "That's what time does." Barney scowls, and Robin takes a huge swig of her beer. Finally, Lily cracks. "Ted? The wedding was yesterday. It's been 24 hours!" Ted smiles. "I know. And this is me -- moving on. A great new chapter in my life began today, and right now, we need two things. We need Kool... and we need The Gang. It's jukebox time, huh? Woo!" He dances his way over to MacLaren's music machine, giving his friends and the audience enough time to roll our eyes without being downright rude and doing it in his face.
Barney says, "I look at that young man popping and locking his way over to the juke box and I think to myself... maybe Stella made the right call." Lily punches him. She's quite violent with him, isn't she? Marshall and Robin voice their disapproval -- of Ted's actions. They couldn't care less that Lily abuses Barney on a regular basis. Marshall is frustrated that Ted isn't acting like a violent spurned lover -- smashing up Stella's car with a sledgehammer. Yeah, 'cause that would show her she made the wrong choice. Screw, the "Baby come back!" approach. Leaving them without a getaway car is far more efficient. Barney hypothesizes that Ted never wanted to get married in the first place. "Ted just pulled off the greatest train dodge since Stand By Me. Well, not the first kid -- but the other kids." Ouch. I think Neil Patrick Harris is getting addicted to Carsonesque mannerisms, but he does them so well, and Barney is nothing if not a chameleon, so I'm not complaining. Lily's argument that Ted is in really bad shape is undercut by the fact that he dances his way past their booth and over to the bar, but she still insists they all need to be there for Ted.
As we see Ted putting all his belongings back around his apartment, Saget!Ted narrates that even though they all tried to be there for him, he was, by all appearances, fine. Lily and Robin show up with pizza and beer, asking him to hang out, but he insists he's fine. Cut to Marshall asking Ted to play a game of catch (because he's... seven?), and Ted says he's fine. Cut to Barney showing up at the door with two women. Ted's exasperated, now. "Barney, I'm fine. This is not necessary and it's actually kind of weird. No offense, ladies." In his best Carson, Barney says, "I did not realize you'd be home." He turns to the women. "Ladies -- to the stairwell!" Ew.
While the gang hangs at MacLaren's, Saget!Ted tells us, "Finally, after two weeks, the inevitable emotions boiled over." But it's not Ted who's bubbling up. As Ted inquires about going out for dinner, Lily says, "Oh, shut up." Shocked, everyone looks at her, so she apologizes, but there's a but. "Ted, you've been through something traumatic, and we're trying to be there for you as friends, but you're not letting us, and it's pissing us off, ya selfish bitch!" Marshall takes over. Referring to the time Lily left him, he says, "Remember how I held in my feelings?" Flash back to Marshall sobbing into Ted's chest. Robin speaks for all of us. "Yeah dude, you were a rock." Marshall's point is that he should have allowed himself to get angry and burned all of Lily's clothes, like Ted suggested. (Lily: "Oh, thanks, Ted!") He would have gotten through it all sooner. He tells Ted he wants him to explode. "Release the berserker." I think it's hiding in your hair, Marshall. [Seriously, if I wanted to watch a show about a guy with that haircut, I'd watch Raising the Bar. - Zach] Barney tells everyone to get off Ted's back -- he's just happy. "If Ted were married right now, he'd be... married; he'd be living in New Jersey; and... he'd be married. He's fine, now let's eat." They discuss restaurants, but Ted shoots down each one, because of the risk of running into Stella, or Stella's mother. Barney asks if there's anywhere in Manhattan where they can eat. Ted says of course there is, and pulls out his color coded map of neighborhoods Stella frequents (red areas) and Stella-free zones (white) to narrow down their choices: "A New York Guide to Place You Might Run into Stella Zinman." [I love Robin's detached acceptance of all of this: "Whatcha got there, Ted?" - Z]
Still down under: The waiter joins the gang. He asks if they're all right. Ted says, "Oh, yeah. We're just going to be eating down here, if that's okay." The waiter gives Ted his almonds and Ted asks about the specials. The rest of the gang protests loudly. I bet the cast was ready for that. My hat's off to them for staying under that table as long as they do. They complain that placing their orders and dining under the table is ludicrous. Barney takes the reins. "Ted, I am a person who... well, let's just face it. There are a lot of people I don't want to see -- people of the chicks I've banged persuasion. But if any of them were to walk in here, I would stand up. I would look them right in the eye -- some of them for the very first time." Ted calls him on this, and suggests that Barney would hide from Becca DeLucci. Barney says, "You son of a bitch," and the waiter asks, "Who's Becca DeLucci." Barney looks at him, and says, "Do you mind?" The waiter slinks away, feeling no more popular than Gasser. Goodbye little waiter. Barney explains that Becca DeLucci is an inmate at Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary (there actually is a Bedford Hills State Correctional facility in Westchester County). The visits were, of course, of a conjugal nature. "What I had with Becca was a perfect relationship. She was only allowed, by law, to call me once a week. If she ever got clingy, the armed guards stopped her, and I never had to pay for dinner. Well that's not true; I pay taxes. Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner. Thanks guys." But the last time he visited, he screwed things up.
Flash back to Becca and Barney, separated by security glass. They talk on the phone as Barney feeds her a line about being in a prison of his own heart, while trying to hurry the guards into letting them start their conjugal visit, when another attractive inmate is escorted into the room. Barney drops Becca mid-coversation and goes over to the new inmate and gets her to pick up the phone in her booth. Is it a booth? I don't know the terms. I haven't been to prison... yet. "Hi. Barney Stinson. Attorney-at-law. Let's talk about getting you off." Oh, show. Becca flies into view and attacks the other woman. They fight and it takes three seconds for Barney to remember he enjoys it. I was a little worried for him for a tick, weren't you? He manages to film it on his mobile and we flash forward to the present. Barney says he now gets letters from Becca. "And she's all 'I'm coming to get you the day I get out of here. I'm going to hang your eyes from my rear-view mirror'. Women, huh?" Robin just looks down and shakes her head.
Ted makes his point: Barney's scared of Becca; Lily's scared of Gasser. "We're staying under the table." Marshall peeks above board, and oh my word, must we have another tight shot of that hair? I'm begging you, Mr. Director. Have mercy. Messrs Bays and Thomas, there's got to be an appearance clause in his contract, right? You could write an episode around it. Hell, let Regis and Britney cut it. Anything. Just save me from the hair that ate Manhattan, or at least might put Manhattan off its food. Back down under, Marshall reports that Stella is gone. The gang takes their seats, and Ted brags that's how you do it, Ohio style. "The problem showed up. We avoided it. It went away. Now we can enjoy our meal in peace..." Marshall whispers, "She's back," and down they go, again. Cut to a pretty blonde woman in a pink shirt, holding a glass of red wine. "Lily and Marshall. Ted and Robin. Barney and... Robin? With so many loves and laughs, it's fun trying to keep up with the romance on..." What the bloody Hell is this? It's a commercial called a special, "Insider Treat." And it's nothing of the kind. It's like those Aerie Girls that pestered the last season of Veronica Mars, and still didn't make enough money to keep the show on the air. Shudder.
Down Under (without that blonde woman): Marshall says, "Ted, we all think that you need to... wait... where's Barney? Lily peeks out and catches him under the table of the nearby pretty women. He gives her a big wink. Marshall finishes that they all think Ted needs to go talk to Stella. Robin doesn't. "If the last person I wanted to see walked in that door, I wouldn't say a damned word." Barney slides back under, singing the praises of the other table. Robin then tells her friends a little about her bad relationship with her father, Victor Freaking Newman, er... I mean Eric Braeden, i.e. Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Senior. Robin hasn't spoken to him in three years, and doesn't intend to start now, but the trouble started with her birth. Papa Scherbatsky wanted a son, and having a girl didn't change his plan. When Ted asks what she means, Robin confesses: "My full legal name is Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Junior, and it only gets worse from there."
Flashback to 8-year-old Robin, going hunting with Daddy for the first time. She's adorable and missing her two front teeth. I know what she wants for Christmas! She takes the rifle from her father. "I don't want to shoot a deer." Senior says, "Nonsense, R.J. Shooting deer is the noblest of pursuits." Little Robin doesn't care: "But they're cute!" Senior says, "You said the same thing about our rabbits. Remember how delicious they were?" Oh, bunnies!
Flash-forward to the present. Robin says, "Over the years, as my body developed..." Barney stops her until he can record what she's saying. Hee. She's disgusted at first but then smiles. "It became harder and harder for him to pretend I was a boy."
Flash back to an absolute mansion. I never watched Young and the Restless, so I don't know if this is supposed to be a take-off on Victor Newman's place or if it's just random mansion placement. In fact, I'm not sure how I know Eric Braedon's character's name, or that he's on Y&R, or that one of his loves was Nikki, who might have been a stripper or hooker or something. There's a lot of osmosis in the soap opera fan's world. General Hospital and Days of Our Lives were once my drugs of choice. I gave up GH when it got lame(r). I gave up Days when Stefano put a chip in someone's head. That was too far-out for me. Besides, I was just getting into Buffy, which was so smart, I knew it would never do anything that stupid. Cough. Anyhow, Robin narrates that the low point was when she was 14. Her Pee Wee hockey team had just won the "Squamish Invitational," and everyone came back to her house to celebrate. Fourteen-year-old Robin is the only girl on the team. Her hair is short -- somewhere between a longish pixie and a shortish shag. [Whatever you call it, it's hot, although she could lose the shoulder pads... and the jersey! Barney Five! - Z] Senior holds up their trophy and says "You lads availed yourselves splendidly out there on the ice. Splendidly. You go on outside. I'll come back with an assortment of soft drinks and American pretzels!" Joint like that and you don't have a butler? C'mon, Victor.
And... do Canadians not have their own pretzels? They did the last time I was there, but it's been too long. Shouldn't there be some provision in NAFTA, or something? This sounds like a job for Super Canadian, which gives me a chance to give a proper shout-out to readers Kylie and Diana who made "Super Canadian T-shirts" and sent me a photo of the fruits of their fandom. For you HIMYM fans who also watch Supernatural, they're considering a Dean-In-Lederhosen project, . Hey ladies, Angel Cohn loves the shirts, too. Ahem, back to the show...
The team files out of the study, while Robin and one boy linger behind. He says, "I can't believe you missed that last empty netter, you hoser." Robin pushes his chest and says, "You're the hoser." The boy shouts back, "You're the hoser," and I guess they've just uttered some strange Canadian love spell, because they start making out. I wonder how awkward that scene was for Cobie, because that boy looks like an actual boy, not a young man. Senior returns to the study to find his "son" making out with a boy, and drops the tray (silver platter!) full of soft drinks, and rare, exotic American pretzels. A dramatic soap opera chord sounds, and I lose it and have to rewind. That was awesome. Senior approaches Robin and her boy. "What are you doing? You're teammates. Hockey players. TEAMMATES DON'T KISS! HOCKEY PLAYERS DON'T KISS!" He turns from them and says to himself, "Oh my God. I have no son." Spoken like a man who never changed a diaper.
Flash-forward to the present and still down under: Barney rubs Robin's arm and says, "You poor thing." He makes us wait for it. "To have to grow up in Canada. With America right there!" He shakes his head. Marshall says, "That sucks about your dad, Robin, but congratulations on that game." Robin says, "And Kyle and I weren't doing anything serious; we only went to the blue line." When Barney asks about the term, Robin says, "Yeah, you know how when you're a kid, you put everything into hockey terms?" Hello, Robin, you're in America, now. Pretzels. Apple Pie. Ridiculously long election seasons. "The blue line is kissing; the red line is getting naked; and I think in the crease speaks for itself." DIRTY! Robin says after that, her relationship with her dad pretty much, "Went north." Ha. She went to live with her mother, grew her hair out, and "became a Canadian pop star -- you know, normal teen stuff." Lily suggests it might feel better to try to talk to her father about their problems, but Robin is vehement. "It wouldn't solve anything." In an attempt to side with Ted, Robin vents her spleen. What would she say? "I wish you hadn't taught me to hunt and fish and smoke cigars and drink Scotch, because that's not what girls do. And the reason I throw like a girl, Dad, is because I am a girl!" Ted comments that she's held onto all that for a long time, and that it really messed her up. Robin admits to this. Lily says she's sorry. Marshall says it sucks. Barney says, "That's hot." Robin gazes at him out of the corner of her eye. What's going on there?
The camera pans from down under to the table top as Saget!Ted narrates. "And then I realized all of my friends were haunted." The camera pans to where Stella is waiting by the counter, and we see Gasser, Robin Senior and Becca standing there with her. "But there was a difference between my ghost and theirs. It wasn't too late for me." Down under, present-day Ted tells the gang, "I'm going to go talk to her." They rise, only to find she's gone. Ted declares he's going after her. They fly out of the restaurant, and I notice Barney laying down some cash. I hope he tipped that poor waiter well. They get outside just in time to see Stella's cab drive off. Ted hails one of his own.
Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney are in the backseat of the cab. Ted's in the front, with the driver, who is not Ranjit. Boo! Ted spots Robin's cab and informs his driver. Marshall is thrilled that Ted's finally going to confront Stella. Robin thinks it's exciting. Lily asks what he's going to say to her. Ted smiles as he stares forward. "I'm going to say, 'Stella, I'm sorry things didn't work out'." Everyone screams, "No," at him, and by everyone, I don't just mean me. Ted continues that they're going to talk about this like adults. Stella can tell him her side, and he'll listen. He admits he probably should have done more of that before. Barney says, "Driver, can you run us into the nearest lamppost. Buckle up, everyone. Not you, Ted." Oh, yeah. Marshall tries to get Ted pumped up, but Ted's bent on being mature and improving his communication with Stella. Marshall can't take it anymore. "Stella hated Star Wars. She lied to you!" His voice goes all Obi-Wan: "Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true." Whee! I have to hand it to Ted, when he sets his mind on something, he's not easily talked out of it. He says to Marshall, "Well, that's her business." Oh, Ted. Barney's had it, too. "C'mon, Ted. She left you. At the altar!" Everyone starts yelling at once, which continues until Lily shouts that Stella's cab didn't take the Lincoln tunnel. Robin wonders why someone would get take-out food in the city and take it all the way to New Jersey, anyhow. Ted suggests she's going to her office, but then Marshall says, "Noooo," in a spooky voice.
Flash back to the Tapas restaurant. Marshall explains that the waiter asked Stella if she needed any utensils, but she said she was going straight home. Ted says, "If she was going home, why are still headed... oh my God. Tony lives downtown. Home is Tony's apartment." A buzzing sound starts. The first time I watched this scene, I thought there was trouble with my TV, but it's clear from subsequent watches that it's the sound crew's interpretation of Ted ramping up for an explosion, which segues into heavy metal music, like Ted is at an emotional monster truck show. Good job, sound guys. Go, Ted, go! I'm with your friends. All this maturity isn't frigging healthy. The buzzing continues. "She was going to make me move to New Jersey and then she moves into the city... with TONY!?! Son of a BITCH!" The gang cheers; Ted continues to yell; the gang yells more. Ted rips the window crank off the taxi's passenger side door. Marshall says, "Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I LOVE ANGRY TED!" Ted yells, "So do I!" There's more cheering. Even the cab driver looks pleased! Lily notes that it looks like Stella's taxi is stopping. Ted says, "Oh, it is on. It. Is. On." Marshall says, "Go get her, buddy." Robin tells him to go get rid of his demons. Barney says, "MY LEG IS ASLEEP!" Lily puts on the brakes. She's thrilled that he's finally dealing with his feelings, and encourages him to take a beat and plan what he's going to say, because he'll only get one shot at this. Sounding like Dirty Harry, Ted says, "Oh, I know exactly what I'm going to say." We see him exit the car.
As Stella climbs the stairs to Tony's building, Ted calls out to her. "You picked the wrong guy." She turns and comes back down the stairs -- back down to face the music -- back down to face Ted. She's lucky she doesn't have to face my husband. I think he's still more pissed off than Ted. Ted's voice softens. "You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice." Like really? Stella stares at him, and almost nods; I feel like I'm watching Ruby. "What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years?" What is this, MSNBC? I know, Ted. I get really wrapped up in election coverage, too. By the time this weecap is published, it should all be over. I hope. "You're just going to regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it, because it's too late." Stella keeps giving him Ruby's impenetrable steady deadly gaze of I Might Be Dead Inside But Who Knows. Ted continues: "All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life..." as a doctor, who's the mother of a healthy, bright, beautiful, happy little girl. Um. "...that will never be as happy as the one you could have had with me." I'll give him that, because although Ted may have his quirks and faults, Tony is a ginormous tool. Ted's bile is all spent, so he says "Goodbye," and starts to make his way back to his cab. Stella finally wakes up. "Ted, wait..." Oops, Ted's not done. "Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to you that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life." Stella's eyes fill up; her voice is choked. "I know." Ted says, "Good." Harsh. But good and harsh. Stella watches him walk off.
In the cab, Ted says, "That's what I'm gonna say." Wha??? Oh, show, you're such a little cheater. The gang could not approve any more of Ted's planned speech. Marshall says, "Oh, dag!" Barney growls, "Cold-blooded!" Lily says, "Yeah, that's good. Go say that." Ted gets out of the cab -- for real. But this time, when Stella climbs the stairs, Tony, who is holding little Lucy on one hip, opens the door and comes out to welcome Stella home. Ted watches as this happy little family greets one another with kisses and hugs. Saget!Ted tells us that then it all just went away. "And that was it. In that moment I wasn't angry anymore. I could see Stella was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger, or throw it in someone's face," I think he's talking to you, Lily. "But there's a third option. You can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and then you can move forward." I think Saget!Ted swallows. We watch 2008 Ted walk back to the car, so slowly, lost in thought. "And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine." Over a shot of Ted's "A New York Guide to Place You Might Run Into Stella Zinman" map, Saget!Ted closes with: "Mine was still out there -- waiting for me." One by one, the red zones disappears, which I think means Ted is now a free-range New Yorker. There's no end tag, so we're all out of show, and one episode closer to meeting the mother. If she exists. I'm starting to think Ted's kids were hatched.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our celebration of the MacLaren Gang's favorite words in How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage!
Cindy McLennan is really preoccupied by the election, but that will be over by the time you read this. If you're concerned she won't know what to do with her time, you can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. If you've made fantastic, fanatical fan art, feel free to let her know.