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Stella's sister Nora is a hottie. She's also a judgmental vegan who rubs Ted the wrong way on a good day. When she sets her wedding date prior to Stella and Ted's, and co-opts every single wedding idea Stella has dreamt of since she was a girl, Ted gets all competitive. He wants his wedding to Stella to completely outshine Nora's. Stella goes Ted one better and gets vindictive. She wishes Nora's relationship would fall apart before the couple makes it down the aisle, and that's what happens. Stella is magic! She and Barney could take their act on the road.
Nora is bitter, eating meat like she's a jungle cat, and ranting that she's about to be out thousands, because it's too late to get refunds. Ted and Stella have one of those telepathic conversations couples can sometimes carry off. They agree they should help her. The problem is their definition of help. To Ted, it means they'll pick up that night's dinner tab. To Stella, it means they'll take over Nora's plans, marry each other three days hence, and reimburse Nora for all expenses. Ted's hesitant at first, but Stella woos him with her talk of spontaneity and criticism of Lucy's dad, Tony, for lack of same. He promised for years to marry her, but never quite got ready. You'll find that won't be a problem with Ted, Stella.
Saget!Ted tells his kids to never invite their exes to their weddings, and then we see current-day Ted doing just that. It's Robin's first week on the job as the anchor of the number 1 English language newscast in Japan, but the job makes her old slot at Metro News 1 look dignified, so Robin agrees to attend and books her flight home. Lily, Marshall and Barney are miserable, because Nora booked the wedding at the Namaste Yoga Collective, which has a vegan menu and a strict no-alcohol policy. Stella really freaks about Robin coming, because Robin is Ted's ex. What if having an ex around brings up unresolved feelings? The only person more unwelcome in Stella's eyes is her own ex, Tony. Stella begs Ted to rescind Robin's invite. He foolishly takes Barney up on his offer to make the awkward call. Barney's only willing to do the dirty work, so that it won't get done. He plans to take advantage of a vulnerable Robin at Ted's nuptials, and won't let a little thing like honor get in his way, which is why we love him so. His only problem, aside from the fact that there will be no alcohol at the wedding to make Robin a bit more pliable, is that Nora is determined to get him in bed to help her forget this is supposed to be her wedding, and he's having trouble resisting, because she's incredibly hot, and even more forward, and he's Barney.
Barney lies to Ted that he didn't reach Robin, so Lily advises Ted to solve another crisis for Stella, and then break the news to her that Robin will be there. Sure enough, Tony has Lucy that weekend and won't let her come to the wedding, so Ted goes back to get her. Tony is emotional and feels left out and like he's losing his family, so Ted brings him back to Shelter Island to attend the wedding. When Stella sees him, she lashes out at Ted and things do not get better when Robin is the person she sees. Stella and Ted go off to talk alone. She can't bear the thought of their exes being at her wedding and that's that. She says she'll talk to Robin, asks Ted to talk to Tony, because she can't handle him right now. She wants them both gone. Ted sees this wedding won't come off with their exes there, so he agrees, but insists upon talking to Robin himself, because she came so far for his sake. He leaves the Tony problem to Stella's capable hands. Ahem.
Robin's actually relieved to have the invitation rescinded. She feels horrible being the ex at Ted's wedding, and always thought maybe they'd have another chance if her feelings on marriage and children changed. Ted thanks her for making him her safety school, and no kidding. Way to get him back, Robin. She goes on to tell Ted that he's an incredibly romantic man who has somehow fallen into someone else's story -- someone else's wedding – someone else's home – someone else's life, and is in danger of disappearing altogether, when his happy ending should be as incredible as he is. That's better, girl. Ted only took offense to the idea that he's jumping into this marriage because he's jumping into this marriage. He tells Robin he'll be marrying Stella and if she feels the way she does about his decision, it's just as well that she doesn't attend.
Robin goes to Barney's room for some ego boosting, but he's already got a woman in his bed, and can't manage to hide that from Robin, despite a truly valiant effort. Robin leaves. She's quit her job to come home to her life. We watch her looking dejected as she rides the ferry back to New York. Cut to Ted in his cabin at Namaste, reading what appears to be a Dear John letter. Cut back to a miserable Robin, sitting on a bench on the ferry deck. She sees Stella -- in her gown -- standing at the rail. Cut back to Ted's friends joining him one by one, and solemnly reading the note. Cut back to Robin, watching Stella, who is joined by… Tony. I know you're shocked. I'll give you a moment. Moment over. Ted's marriage fixation blinded him to the real root of Stella's objections to having exes at their wedding. She isn't over hers. Robin looks on in horror as Stella and Tony kiss, and Saget!Ted warns, "Seriously kids, never invite an ex to your wedding." Oh I don't know, Saget!Ted -- thanks to the exes this wedding turned out way better than I'd hoped.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Ted and Stella meet up with Marshall, Lily and Barney at MacLaren's. Ted pulls up a chair for Stella and sits to Barney. Lily asks them how things are going, and before Stella even sits, she grabs Barney's drink and downs it. They just had dinner with Stella's sister Nora, and her fiancé, who are getting married, first. "Okay, you know how you've dreamt about your perfect wedding day ever since you were a little girl?" Lily says, "Yeah." Marshall says, "Totally." He's so darling I can't stand it (although, he could stand a haircut and I expected he'd get one by now). Stella's sister is stealing her dream wedding down to every last detail: on Shelter Island; at sunset...
Sideways slide to dinner. Nora says, "Just down the beach from our family's old summer house. It's my dream wedding." As in all too many weddings, Nora's fiancé seems to be just another prop, because we never learn his name or see his face, just the left rear of his head, his left shoulder and arm, and a little bit of his back, so let's call him Lefty. Ted says, "Hmmm," to Nora's plans, while Stella grabs his wine and downs it. Are we detecting a pattern? Ted changes the subject to the menu, saying the lamb at the restaurant is supposed to be great. Nora says, "I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder, but I guess I'm just not as strong as you are." Ted purses his lips. "That's 'cause you need protein." I'm writing that one down. He promptly orders the lamb and gives Nora his best fake smile. I didn't know he had that in him. Go, Ted. No, I mean run. PETA's on your tail.
Sideways flash to MacLaren's. Ted says, "New goal. I want our wedding to kick her wedding's ass. I want our wedding to take her wedding's head, shove it in the toilet and flush it like 20 times." Stella gives him a warm look, while Lily asks if he was Nora's wedding in high school, and hello? I've been trying to follow that logic for 24 hours now, but it's not there, because Nora's wedding doesn't get swirlies; it gives them. Ted was... Ted's wedding in high school. Now my head hurts. I need a drink, but Stella's already finished them all. [I think Lily is saying that Nora's wedding will receive a swirlie, therefore making Ted the... oh, never mind. - Zach] Stella says Nora is always trying to one-up her. She loves her sister, but there's a little part of her that wishes the whole thing would fall apart. Wish granted. Stella and Barney create a new magic act and take it on the road. Ted burns his copy of the Bro Code in retaliation, or... We jump to the same restaurant...
This time, it's only Ted, Stella and Nora at dinner, because Stella got her wish. Goodbye Lefty, we hardly knew ye. Nora's mouth is stuffed full, but that doesn't keep her from ranting. "I hate him. I hate him. I hate him! God, this steak is so good. Four days ago, he just runs off with a vitamin consultant from Whole Foods? I gave up makeup for him. I gave up showering for him. I gave up shaving my arm pits for him." Ted says, "Hard to imagine where it all went wrong." Ted, you're so catty tonight; come sit by me. Nora, who is played by the striking Danneel Harris, is still talking with her mouth full and it's making me gag, so I'm getting my revenge by not transcribing her lines. The gist is, she can't get any refunds, is going to be out thousands of dollars, and really likes meat. Saget!Ted tells his kids that when you're in a relationship, you can develop a sort of telepathy with your partner. Stella looks at Ted, raises her eyebrows, shrugs her shoulders, and thinks, "What do you think? We could help her out." Ted looks back at her and thinks, "No, Stella. We should help her out. Let's pay for dinner." Stella's face lights up as she smiles at Ted and nods. Ted says, "Nora, don't worry. We got this." Stella says, "That's right, we'll take over your wedding; pay you back everything you've spent. Ted and I will get married this Sunday." Oh, dear. The look on Ted's face indicates he's telepathizing thusly: "Excuse me? I said dinner. What frickin' channel are you on? How do you work this contraption?" but we don't get any audio, because it's time for the...
Usually, only one-hour shows and films get the popcorn treatment from me, but I have a feeling this episode is popcorn-worthy, so I'm risking a batch. Don't let me down, guys. Nora leaves the table. Ted leans in toward Stella. "Wow, we're getting married this Sunday? Are we sure we're ready for this?" Stella says, "Ted, I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was ready for this, but he never got ready for this. That's why we never got married. Come on, let's just be spontaneous. I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this." Ted's easy, as long as the carrot you're dangling in front of him hovers at an altar at the end of a long aisle, so he says he's in, not even noticing the shadow of the other guy who got there before. He also claims to be spontaneous, and throws a glass of water in his own face, then immediately wishes he hadn't done so. The foreshadowing looms so large, all the light-seeking plants in my yard die.
The year 2030: Saget!Ted tells his kids that morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, he's going to tell it to them right up front. "Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding. If someone had given me that advice, well, it would have changed everything." Ouch, Saget!Ted. Don't be surprised when you start getting therapist bills. And perhaps a writ of divorce. Are you still married to the mother?
Current day: Ted's on the phone to Robin, inviting her to his wedding. At first she says she can't because she's so new on the job, and she's finally doing serious news. A stylist is putting the last-minute touches on her hair at the anchor desk of Tokyo Ichi. An eagle-eyed fan on the boards notes that "Ichi" is Japanese for "One" so Robin's basically working for Tokyo's version of the Big Apple's Metro News One. Only it's way tackier. No, really. Look at the set -- bright orange lettering, blue sparkly background, green and fuchsia stripes on the lower half of the wall, and more. Saget!Ted confirms Robin was doing serious news on the number one English news network in Japan, but he says the Japanese do their news a bit differently (the people on the boards deny this, but say the talk shows are another matter, entirely). Flash to a man rolling out a giant fan, and training it to blow on Robin as she reads the news which, to be fair, is serious (it's about the Fed and the interest rates). Flash back to Ted begging Robin to come, and Robin finally agreeing. They end the call, and it's time for Robin to go on the air, with her co-anchor, a chimp. Yes, that's right; Robin's partner is a chimpanzee, who pelts her with marshmallows as she delivers a report on Middle East peace talks. The devil you know, eh, Robin?
Ted tells Barney, Lily, and Marshall that Robin is coming, and they're all psyched -- particularly Barney, but he doesn't dwell because Ted and Marshall are there, and because he's got to tell Ted about his bachelor party plans, which involve three physically (and morally) flexible exotic dancers. Ted has no time for that, so Barney says he'll tell him how it went. Ted and Marshall leave MacLaren's to rent cars to take them all to Shelter Island, and Lily asks Barney why he didn't try to talk Ted out of this wedding again. "Barney Stinson, are you no longer committed to the war on marriage?" He still is; he just knows a lost cause when he sees it, which is the same reason he doesn't recycle. I wonder if Willow will call Riley and explain that to him. Barney tells Lily how and why Ted's marriage is in Barney's best interest. Flashback to Barney working at his office. He crumples up a piece of paper. "Lately, I've been working on a problem of the utmost importance. I confess, I was stumped, until one night I decided to tackle it once and for all." Barney's at his whiteboard. Underneath the header: "HOW CAN I HAVE SEX WITH ROBIN AGAIN?" Barney scribbles, furiously. His equations turn colors, glow and words like vulnerable, nostaligic, booze and insecure jump out at us (people in the forums have analyzed Barney's notes), like a scene out of A Beautiful Mind. "At last, I cracked the code." Barney writes "GET HER DRUNK AT TED'S WEDDING," and circles it. It glows purple and floats off the screen. Lily says, "So, you're back on Robin?" Barney says -- oh come on, you know what he says -- "Hopefully." He thinks this weekend is the best chance to hook up with her again, but Lily says he'll get distracted by drunken bridesmaids and blow his chance. Barney tells Lily not to cheapen this. He doesn't want to sound all mushy but, "This weekend, Robin is the only woman [he's] banging." Isn't it romantic?
The day before their wedding, Ted and Stella make the trip to Shelter Island. The others start out soon after. Barney, Lily and Marshall arrive at the resort after a raucous game of Zitch Dog. The Namaste Yoga and Mediation Collective is not where Lily imagined Ted getting married. Marshall says, "I don't know about you guys, but Nama-stay here any longer than I have to." Heh. Barney high-fives him, as well he should. Lily tells Marshall to go check in with the dirty hippie while she and Barney get drinks. Barney asks the bartender what Scotches he has. "Oh, here at the center, we have a very strict no-alcohol policy." A chord of horror-flick music plays as Lily and Barney recoil in... well, in horror. Meanwhile, Marshall double-checks with the dirty hippie (who doesn't look at all dirty, but wait 'til later) that all meals are included. She says, "Yep, and they're 100% vegan." The music repeats as Marshall recoils in horror. Not that he'd eat a burger there, anyhow. Barney frets that he needs alcohol to snag Robin. He reads the drink menu. "Look at this: Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer -- my God, some of these drinks could actually make a girl smarter! What kind of Hell has Ted brought us to?" Marshall joins them at the table, and notifies them there's no meat. Lily trumps him with the announcement that there's no alcohol. Marshall looks over to the bar in shock. "It gets worse. I'm 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer with The Spin Doctors." All three recoil in horror, and the chord sounds a third time. That's it, wedding's over people. Leave your bags; just run for your lives.
Little Miss Can't-Be-Single runs up to them. Hi, Ted. "Hey guys, Stella and I have a problem." Flash back to Stella and Ted in their cabinesque room at the Collective. She's looking over the programs from Nora's aborted wedding, when Ted tells her the good news -- Robin is flying in from Japan to attend. Stella misses the part where it's good news. "I'm not sure how I feel about that." Ted says, "Can I help? You feel...glad!" She gives him a dirty look and he reminds her that she likes Robin. Stella does like Robin, but says it's just too weird to have his ex-girlfriend there. Ted says it's not weird, but she insists. I think it's weird nobody's parents are there, or even mentioned. We flash to Stella's fantasy. She and Ted are receiving their guests. Robin hugs her and says, "Your new husband used to nail me, like, three times a day." Flash back to the present. "Having exes around -- I don't know -- brings up unresolved things. How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there?" Ted counters that they're just friends, and that he and Robin already had their backslide, last Thanksgiving, "Not even that long ago." Huh. Stella says, "Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument?" Ted always bets against himself, Stella. He explains that Robin already has her plane ticket. Stella doesn't care. "Ted, it's important to me. I mean I would never invite Lucy's dad." Yeah, but Lucy's dad wouldn't have had to fly in from Japan, because despite the fact that you told us last season that he wasn't in the picture, he's local enough for Ted to tell you, "I wouldn't care if you did. Tony's great. Let's invite him, too." Stella gets really bent out of shape at that suggestion. "No! Tony is the last person I want at our wedding, okay? And... Robin is a close second." The rest of us get bent out of shape that an ex who was completely out of the picture, is well-known enough by Ted that he can declare him "great."
Seated with Marshall, Lily, and Barney, Ted frets about his dilemma. Marshall sort of gets Stella's point. "Why ask a failed romance to come see your successful one? You know, it's like inviting the Seattle Mariners to a World Series game. It's just weird for everyone." I'm so glad the Red Sox are no longer the butt of that joke. Tag, Seattle. You're it. Barney insists Robin must be there. Ted says, "Right, she's like my best friend." Marshall and Barney both make with the "Hey, whoa, whoa hey," comments. Ted corrects that she's his best female friend. Lily says, "Hey. Whoa. Ahhh, I don't care. Why fake it?" Barney insists she should be there. Marshall insists she shouldn't. Ted asks Justice Aldrin for the tie-breaking vote, and I try to remember if they've called Lily that before or if I'm just thinking of the episode "Aldrin Justice." Lily says that although it wouldn't feel right not to have Robin there, you don't mess with the bride. Ted says he'll call Robin and tell her not to come, but this is going to be the worst phone conversation of all time. Barney makes his eyes-front motion at Ted, and says that since he's the co-best man, he'll take care of it. Silly Ted. When does Barney ever volunteer for an emotionally difficult task, unless it's going to serve his ulterior motives? He walks away from the group, calls Robin and asks where she is. When she says she's just heading to the airport, he says he'll see her soon. He returns to his friends and lies that he couldn't reach her; she must be on her way.
Ted says he's sort of glad, and that exes should be allowed to come to weddings. He tries to figure out how to break the news to Stella, though, because she was so adamant that exes don't belong. Lily suggests that Ted be delicate in his approach, because brides are under a lot of stress before their weddings, then claims she held it together pretty well. Marshall laughs aloud, and when Lily looks at him like he's crazy, he refreshes her memory and we flash back to 2006. Personally, I think he should have reminded her of the time she gave back his ring and took off for San Francisco, but then again I don't want to stay married to Lily. Instead, we see a few of Lily's pre-wedding freak-outs for the wedding that actually happened. The first has Lily dissolving into tears and declaring the whole thing ruined upon hearing from the florist that their roses are more light medium pink than medium pink; the second involves Lily bursting into tears upon learning that their reception site uses a gravity furnace rather than forced hot air. The third time's the charm, though. Lily runs into the apartment and says, "Blobbity blah. Wickey wah. Eeky eeky eeky eeky whee-hee-hee-hee-hee." Flash-forward to Marshall. "After a while, it's all noise." My husband Scott laughed so hard at those scenes, he almost choked, and I almost let him. Lily sympathizes with Stella, because she's had to jam months of crazy into three days. Ted doesn't know what to do, so Lily suggests he wait until the crisis, solve it, and then talk to Stella about Robin, because then she'll say yes. Ted asks what if there isn't a crisis. Lily and I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Outside the Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective, the new title card reads: "Like four minutes later." Ted runs up to the gang and gloats that there's a new crisis. Tony was supposed to drive Stella's daughter Lucy up for the wedding tomorrow, but now he's being all petty about Stella getting married and he won't do it. "It's been five years. Why can't we just move on, already?" There's been a lot of debate about Tony in general, and this line in particular, because when Ted first met Stella, she told him her child's father was out of the picture. And before Stella and Ted were intimate, Stella said it had been five years since she'd been with anyone. I think that last line can be read such that we're to think it's been five years since Tony and Stella broke up. Lucy's seven or eight, so if they were together a couple years after they had her, and Stella still couldn't get him to commit to marrying her, it all sort of fits. Okay, it all sort of fits except for her telling Ted that her child's father is out of her life. I just watched last Thursday's episode of The Office and I'm struggling like hell not to use the term baby daddy, because I never use that term, but the Michael Scott force is strong. Baby daddy, baby daddy, baby daddy. Okay, where was I? So anyhow, I can wave my hand about her early statement that her child's father was out of her life, because it seems to me that Stella was trying out the Fake It 'Til You Make It method of dealing with her feelings. Not that she has any residual feelings for Tony. Oh, no. None at all.
Ted tells Marshall and Lily that he'll go collect Lucy tomorrow morning, bring her back for the wedding, and then tell Stella about Robin and he's so proud of himself he sprains his shoulder trying to pat himself on the back. Barney's at the bar drinking what looks suspiciously like carrot juice, when Nora approaches and asks if he's Barney. When he says yes, she says, "I hear you're a real man-whore, so listen up. Tomorrow night I want to do things so dirty and so depraved that I forget this was supposed to be my wedding." That'll show Lefty! Barney struggles to speak, clutches his carrot juice closer to his chest and finally stammers out that he's kind of there with someone. Nora says, "Bring her." She walks off; Barney exhales, and Lily passes by and sneers, "You're never going to make it."
The morning of his wedding, Ted makes the trip to get Lucy from Tony's house. The Daily Show's fabulous Jason Jones plays Tony, who comes out of his apartment wearing a gi, with a black belt that looks like it used to be longer. When Ted asks if Tony's doing a little Karate and fakes some moves, Tony takes him to the floor, and then apologizes, explaining that Ted just set off his internal defense alarm. Tony goes on about how he thought Ted would be off on a honeymoon with "my woman" and talks about Ted "sticking it" to the mother of "my" child. Everything Tony says reinforces the idea that he's not over Stella and that he's a giant tool. It's sort of disappointing that Stella sees anything in him... I mean, did ever see anything in him. Not that she sees anything in him now, because he's completely out of her life, except for the part where he apparently has joint custody of or visitation rights with Lucy, and Ted knows his name, and where he lives. Cough. It turns out Tony is feeling lonely and left-out and like he's going to lose Lucy to this new family of which he's not a part. When Ted realizes Tony feels badly that he wasn't invited to the wedding, he remedies that. Oh, sitcoms. We see Lucy and her two daddies driving to the ferry, riding the ferry, and driving to the Collective. This will not end well.
At the Collective, Nora approaches Barney, reminds him today's the day and asks him if he's hydrating. Barney blurts out what must be a prepared speech. "Dear female, thank you for your interest in Barney Stinson." Nora interrupts, to run her fingernails down the front of his shirt and says, "Your back is going to look like a Jackson Pollock." Barney stifles a moan and continues his speech: "I regret to inform you that at this time..." Nora says, "I was a vegan for two years. I need meat." Sorry, Mum. Barney keeps going. "There are currently no positions available." Nora leans in. "I'm a yoga instructor. Every position is available. Your room. 20 minutes. No foreplay." She leaves Barney gasping and gnashing his teeth. Barney says, "I'm not going to make it, am I?" to Lily, who just happens to be passing by. She laughs. "Not a chance." Barney groans and stomps off.
Lucy leads Ted and Tony into the Collective. Ted asks Tony to let him talk to Stella first. Lucy sees Stella and runs to her. "Mommy! Mommy! Ted invited Daddy!" Look it's the wicked step-child! Stella looks like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights as she catches sight of Tony. She quickly turns her attention to Lucy, kisses her, and tells her she missed her, then asks for a second. She says hey to Tony and takes Ted aside. "You invited Tony? To our wedding? Ted, we talked about this. No exes at our wedding." Ever notice how whenever Stella refers to a prior agreement between her and Ted, it always turns out they've agreed to do things her way? I'm just saying. Stella continues: "Why would you do this?" She's terribly upset -- almost in tears. We hear a woman's voice. "Oh-ho boy. What did Ted do this time?" It's Robin. Robin you're back! You're back and you're wearing argyle? Time to do some more shopping at Lily's Closet. From the looks of the outfit she's chosen for Ted's freaking wedding, she's no longer so attached to nice things. Stella tries to control her reaction as she instinctively takes a step back.
In their room, Stella lambastes Ted. She thought she made herself clear. "No exes at our wedding." Ted says, "To be fair, your ex is here," and then holds up a cue card that reads, "Blame me, now." He tries to get her to accept that Robin and Tony will be there and says it's not weird. Stella says, "It is weird. It's like things are not finished between you two. And Tony? I can't deal with Tony right now. Can you please go out there and tell him to leave? Make me the bad guy. I'll go talk to Robin so she knows it's nothing personal." Ted agrees and turns to leave, when he's frozen in place, because Saget!Ted is still trying to send his kids into therapy and himself to divorce court. "And kids? If I had just let Stella talk to Robin, the whole story might have ended differently." Flash to Robin telling Stella she understands. Flash to Tony telling Ted he gets it. Flash to the M.C. introducing Ted and Stella Mosby for the first time. Flash to the year 2030. Two kids are sitting on Saget!Ted's couch, but the boy is to our left, the girl is to our right, and they're both blond (and not as good looking). "And that's how I met your mother!" Stella appears behind them and says, "Blah blah blah. Is your dad finally done yakking? C'mon, who wants ice cream?" Flash back to the present as Saget!Ted says, "But I didn't." Current-day Ted turns back to Stella. "Look, can you talk to Tony? Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo. I should talk to her." Stella just shakes her head. She looks like she's beyond tears at this point. "Sure."
Ted finds Robin, who tells him her 24-hour flight was worth taking since she'll be seeing him get married. Ted blurts out that she can't come, and Robin expresses her relief. Instead of leaving it at that, and going to get ready for his wedding, Ted has to delve. They argue about whether it's weird to be the ex at a wedding, and we see Robin's fantasy. Ted and Stella are receiving their guests. Robin and Stella hug, and then Stella tells Robin, "Suck it, bitch. I win," as she flashes her ring. Back from fantasy land, Ted reminds Robin that they broke up over a year ago, but Robin says that's not really so long ago. "Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know. I just thought that if I ever changed my mind about marriage and kids that you would st -- it was nice to know that you were there." Ted thanks her for treating him like her safety school, and I can't blame him. He wants to know why she's bringing this up, since there's nothing between them anymore. Damn, I'm out of popcorn just when things are heating up.
Robin says, "Well maybe there is. I -- I mean, of course there is. That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace." Ted looks at her, almost like he thinks she's playing him. Robin protests that she's not just a guest, there. Ted agrees, but adds although they used to date, they both moved on and got what they wanted. He's getting married and Robin's got her dream job in Tokyo, "And they all lived happily ev--" She stops him. "I quit my job. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours." Ted isn't sure what she means by that. Have you ever been as tired as Robin, when all you want to do is stop talking and go to sleep, but in your exhaustion, you've lost track of where your off button is, and can't stop talking? It may not surprise you to learn that's happened to me. Robin looks Ted squarely in the eyes. "Don't get married." Oh, my. Now Ted really looks like he thinks she's playing him. Robin continues: "Look, you're rushing into this. It's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know. You stole a blue French horn for me. You tried to make it rain."
"I did make it rain."
"It was a coincidence! But after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's home, someone else's life, without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby." That was awesome. Ted sees it differently. "I love Stella. She's the one. If you really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all." Fight, you bastards! I hate peace! Ah, no. Ted's had enough. He stalks off, and Robin heads to the bar. The bartender overheard their fight, so he pours her a shot on the house. She tells him to keep it coming, and downs it in one. Then she tastes it. "Oh God, do not keep them coming."
Sideways slide to Robin knocking on the door to one of the rooms. Barney seems to be rising to his feet as he opens the door, and his shirt is wide open. He's surprised to see Robin. She tells him she's had a horrible day. She's snuck in some Scotch from the duty-free store and wants to know if Barney will join her for a drink. Of course he does, nearly as much as he wants to close his door. "Let's go to your room, far away from this room, and we can knock it back." Robin explains that she doesn't have a room and was hoping she could stay with him. Barney says, "No problem. I just... have to... straighten up a little bit. I've got some clothes on the floor, and..." Robin looks over his shoulder into his room. "And a naked girl tied to your headboard." Barney doesn't miss a beat. "...Towels all over the bathroom. It's a mess. So, anyway, give me ten minutes to get the place in order." Robin looks down at the floor and in a flat, angry voice says, "See you, Barney." She walks off without looking back. No joy on her face, because how dare he be with another woman just when she wanted to use him. Don't get me wrong, I love this development, but her anger is deliciously unfair. Barney tries to think of something to get her back, but it's a lost cause. He closes his eyes and leans on the door frame, and I thank Neil Patrick Harris for not waxing his chest. Nora struts down the hallway, bottle of champagne in hand. Barney is surprised to see her. "Okay, let's do this." She, too, looks over his shoulder, points into his room, and says, "Who the Hell is that?" Barney says it's the girl from the front desk. Maybe she is a dirty hippie. Nora smiles, looks down, and walks past him into his room. He exhales sharply and closes the door before anyone can get away. Tricycle time.
The sun sets as the ferry leaves Shelter Island. Robin sits forlornly on a deck bench as Saget!Ted wraps up our story. "Kids, sometimes you think you're living out one story, but the truth turns out to be something else entirely." Robin looks off to her left, and her eyes widen. We cut to Ted, alone in his room at the Collective. He picks up a note card and reads it. We cut back to Robin, and Stella (who doesn't seem to see Robin), who is standing by the rail, in her wedding gown, looking like she's trying to catch her breath. Saget!Ted says, "At the time, I thought the story was about whether Robin should be at the wedding." Cut to Ted, sitting down on the bed, staring off in disbelief. Cut to Robin, who is watching as Tony comes up behind Stella, wraps his coat around her shoulders and his arms around her! Cut to my husband calling Stella a cold bitch.
Saget!Ted says, "If only I'd understood what the real story was." Stella takes Tony's hand and sinks into his embrace. Cut to Ted. Marshall appears on the bed beside him, takes the note, reads it, and puts his hand on Ted's back. We flashback to Stella, yesterday, telling Ted, "Having exes around -- I don't know -- brings up unresolved things." Cut to Ted and Marshall. Lily appears on the bed, beside them, and reads the note. She's finally dressed for a wedding. Sheeesh, Lily. Talk about too little, too late. Flashback to yesterday's Stella: " How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there?" Cut to Ted, Marshall and Lily. Barney appears in the room, and walks in front of them while reading the note. Yesterday's Stella says, "It's like things are not finished between you two." Cut to Barney putting his hand on Ted's shoulder. Flash to Stella, three days prior: "I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was ready for this." Flash to Tony, just this morning, telling Ted, "Seeing you guys has made me realize everything I had." Three days prior, Stella tells Ted, "I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this." Cut to a clearly uncomfortable Robin watching Stella and Tony snuggle together at the ferry's rail. She turns to face him, and they kiss. My husband repeats himself, in case I didn't hear him the first time.
Saget!Ted says, "Seriously, kids, never invite an ex to your wedding."
And never ask Barney to call your ex. I'm just saying.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our celebration of the MacLaren Gang's favorite words in How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage!
Cindy McLennan is going to sleep. You can e-mail her, quietly, at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. Congrats go out to reader Tara D., who suggested McYoko McLennan, after reading last week's weecap. If another one of Barney's conquests is named Cindy, McYoko is on the top of the list.