SagetTed is telling his kids about how great the early bloom of a new romance can be. Given that he's talking about a woman who isn't their mother, it's a little skeevy. As he speaks, we side-pan across scenes of Ted with a very comely new lady. They're watching TV and drinking wine on the couch of the apartment. Ted's letting her taste the sauce (it's not a euphemism) in the kitchen as he cooks. He's giving her a flower out on the street, to a flower stand. SagetTed says that when you have a connection with someone new, they become perfect in your eyes. We see Ted and the new girl jogging as SagetTed explains that you want to tell everybody about your new love.
MacLaren's. "She convinced you to go jogging?" Barney is asking Ted incredulously. Robin, Lily and Marshall are there, too. Barney says Ted must really want to get in this girl's pants. Or her pink jogging suit. Ted is trying to sell this girl to the group. He tells Lily that the girl is into art. He tells Marshall that she's open to the existence of UFOs. She's hot, which should make Barney happy, and not hotter than Robin, which should please her. "How not hotter?" Robin asks.
We cut immediately to a chic Italian restaurant where Ted's date, Cathy, is meeting everyone. Ted asks what everyone's ordering. His date can't decide between chicken and lasagna, so she asks Robin. Rudely, Robin says, "The lasagna! Just get the lasagna!" Whoah. Not much less hot. Ted's date asks about Lily and Marshall's new place and how many bedrooms it has. "Two! It's two bedrooms!" Lily yells. Ted's date smiles as if nothing happened. Something tells me we'll be coming back to this.
Ted asks, back at the apartment, what happened and what's wrong with Cathy. They can't believe he doesn't notice "it." Lily says that if they tell Ted what's wrong, they'll ruin the girl for him. Barney says, "She's great, man." Robin says she's a "keeper," but to keep her somewhere else.
Ba ba pa pa. Carry the one right into Ba ba ba ba, ba barararararararararaaaah.
Ted still wants to know what's wrong with Cathy. He asks Marshall, who just came out of his bedroom to sit at the laptop. He calls Cathy a "nightmare" but can't talk about that right now because he's about to find out if he's a lawyer or not. Barney's playing with his iPhone. SagetTed pauses the action to tell the kids that over the summer, Marshall took the New York Bar Exam. We side-whoosh to Marshall taking the test with a roomful of students for a "two-day ordeal." Marshall opens his test book as the person in charge tells the group they can begin. Someone nearby retches loudly, giving Marshall pause. SagetTed says that the pressure is so enormous for the test that sometimes people just crack. One guy in front stands up and starts screaming, "Noooo! Noooo!" He runs away. We cut to the time expiring on the test. Marshall doesn't want to stop writing. He's got a cute little shadow moustache, too. The test taker fights with Marshall over the test book. Marshall grabs on for dear life, but finally gives it up.
Side-whoosh back to the apartment. Any minute now, the test results will be posted online. Marshall's annoyed the scores aren't up yet. Lily is sure that Marshall "Rocked" the test. Based on your debt, you'd better hope so. Robin asks how many people fail the bar. "Half," Marshall says. D'oh! Robin can't believe it. Barney sees something on his iPhone that's awesome and wants to show Marshall on the computer. Why can't he show it on the iPhone? Marshall doesn't want to give up the laptop. Barney says he has to see this. Barney says it's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. Damn, that does sound awesome. Marshall asks why he'd need to see that. He asks that about four different ways. Barney explains, "It's a DOG pooping on a BABY!" He's right! Marshall shoos Barney away while Barney tries to get him to Google "Caca Spaniel." Hee. Marshall's results are in. Everyone comes around. The site is asking for a password. Marshall doesn't have it. He looks in the desk (why would it be at Ted's place and not at the new apartment?) and finds a slip of paper. It says, "Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps..." It's a shopping list. Sugar helps Marshall study. Barney says it's a shopping list you'd give a 10-year-old left home alone for a weekend. Lily asks who leaves a 10-year-old at home alone. Barney's mom, apparently. Marshall freaks out because he still can't find his password. Ted asks if Barney can't just call and get the results. Marshall says he'll have wait until it comes in the snail mail and that their postal carrier hates him since he asked when the baby was due. "She wasn't pregnant?" Robin asks. "No, he was not," Ted says. Robin suggests Marshall just keep it off his mind until the results come in the mail. Marshall's cell rings. It's a friend calling to say they passed the bar. Another friend calls. Marshall has to keep explaining that he lost his password. He yells at a third caller who's asking the same question. It's his grandma.
MacLaren's. Marshall thinks he'll have a heart attack from not knowing the results. Barney thinks he'll go down from diabetes first, based on his grocery list. Barney tells Marshall there's a way to help. He knows a guy at work who can penetrate a firewall and retrieve a password through a secure server. Marshall wants to meet a guy in a dark garage and wear a trenchcoat. Pervert. Barney tells him to be cool and on that weird non-laugh, we go to commercials.
Back at the bar booth, Ted is trying to pretend he just got off the phone with Cathy and totally figured out what it is about her that annoys everyone else. He hears it now. Or sees it. Smells it? The gang doesn't fall for it. Ted demands to know what Cathy could have done that was so horrible in the two minutes he left the table. Pretend-flashback scenarios: Cathy tells everyone but Ted that she once started a rumor that her English teacher had sex with her. He's still in jail. Scenario #2: Cathy volunteers at the pound and enjoys putting puppies to sleep. She even wears bracelets made from their collars. Scenario #3: Cathy used to have a penis. Back in reality, Robin says it's nothing Cathy did while Ted was gone from the table; it's just who she is. Ted can't figure out why he can't see this flaw that everyone else sees. Marshall says Ted is driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck and that it's got a huge blind spot. Barney does story-time. It's about a girl named Lucilia he wanted to have sex with. The camera zooms in very slowly on his monologue. Barney had sex in Rio for 10 hours on the beach with the girl and she applauded and told Barney he was the best lover ever. He restored her faith in God. Ted asks what that has to do with Cathy. "Who's Cathy?" Barney asks. Rimshot! Tip your waitresses, folks! I'm here 'till Sunday and then it's off to the Ha-Ha Club in Kalamazoo! G'night! Ted really wants to know the flaw. Marshall asks if he's sure he wants to shatter this beautiful illusion he's created. Slowly, Marshall says, "Cathy...talks...a LOT." Everyone agrees. Ted doesn't believe it. Robin asks him to really remember what the dinner was like. "And I did," SagetTed says, gravely.
Dinner flashback. Cathy is asking Robin again about the chicken or lasagna. Before Robin can answer, Cathy launches into a whole thing about lasagna, chicken, and then pork. She recounts much of the movie Babe including the phrase, "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" That's a sorority she would totally rush. We cross-fade to what must be hours later and now Cathy's talking about Dr. Seuss. "Lasagna!" Robin finally snaps. "Just get the lasagna!" Ah. Robin's not a total prick after all. Cathy asks Lily and Marshall about their new place. Before Lily can answer about how many rooms they have, Cathy is already is on about futons and Murphy beds. She's Chatty Cathy. Ted is so enthralled by the conversation he doesn't notice it's completely inane. We cross-fade to Cathy saying that it was a half-hour before she noticed Ted wasn't on the phone with her anymore. Hysterical! "Two! It's two bedrooms!" Lily snaps. Marshall is roused from a light doze. Cathy starts going about the best cannolis in town. We whoosh back to Ted. We hear glass shatter. SagetTed says the illusion was shattered. "Wow...she just never shuts up, does she?" Ted realizes. Robin says the girl didn't even chew her food. She was scared for her. At first. And on that second light, light joke, we go to commercials. Wow, did the Writers Strike begin early on this show?
SagetTed is telling the kids (singing) in the year 2030 (/singing) that his date wouldn't stop talking. "Can you imagine how awful that is?" he asks. His son seems to kind of know. We cut back to the same side-scroll set of scenes as from the beginning, only this time, Ted is bored out of his mind on the couch as Cathy talks, putting a spoon in her mouth to shut her up in the kitchen and giving her a flower on the street just so shut up about autumn. As they jog together, Ted runs ahead to stop listening to her blather. This time she's wearing aqua instead of pink, which I guess is less cute somehow.
Back at the apartment. Ted is annoyed at Marshall for telling him Cathy's flaw, even though he begged incessantly. Ted sort of knows he only has himself to blame. But he has to make a big deal about it anyway. Marshall is surprised Cathy didn't tell Ted herself, given the finite number of words in the English language. Ted says she has other great qualities: she's smart, she's caring, she loves animals. And she's hot! Marshall suggests Ted teach her a lesson by buying her a parrot. Thud. The jokes: they can't all be winners, folks. Marshall says it's normal for there to be annoying things in a relationship you get used to. Ted sees the logic, like how Marshall got used to Lily's loud chewing. Marshall doesn't follow. Ted asks why Marshall thinks he calls Lily "Chewbacca." Marshall thought it was because she's loyal (not really), wears shiny belts, and because he resembles a young Harrison Ford. Ted asks Marshall to think about it. Side-whoosh to Lily eating a carrot, really loudly. Ted is on the couch with her, disgusted. Marshall doesn't notice. Cut to the kitchen, where Lily is eating from a bag of chips, really loudly. Ted, getting a cup, can't stand it. Cut to a city street. Marshall, Ted, and Lily are walking. Somehow, Lily is making loud chomping sounds eating pink cotton candy. It sounds like sandpaper. We whoosh back to Marshall. Glass-shattering sound. Marshall thinks this is the meanest thing Ted has ever done to him. Ted thought Marshall knew. He thought it sounded like Jurassic Park the other night when they had ribs. Marshall pretends it doesn't matter. "But it did," SagetTed says. Cut to Lily eating Fruit Loops. Loudly. Extremely unflattering HD closeup of Lily's mouth as she crunches. Marshall asks what's in the cereal besides twigs and small animal bones. Marshall says he loves her, but when she eats it sounds like a garbage disposal full of drywall screws. Wow. That's really specific. Lily is hurt. She asks why this just came up after 10 years of dating.
MacLaren's. Lily can't believe Ted told Marshall she's a loud chewer. Robin, watching Lily chew on pretzel, loudly, has her illusion shattered. Robin, disgusted, says, "Maybe enough with the pretzels?" Lily asks if she really chews that loudly. Robin thinks it sounds like a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener. Nice friend, if you can get her. Lily is annoyed at Ted and calls him "Mr. Corrector." Robin doesn't get it. Lily asks if Robin ever noticed that most of what Ted says to her is correcting her about something she said. Side-whoosh to the days when Robin and Ted were dating. She asks for a Kleenex. Ted says Kleenex is a brand. "This is a facial tissue," he says. Ugh. Annoying. Another one: Ted and Robin are watching Frankenstein. She asks if Frankenstein is gonna kill the little girl. Ted corrects that "Frankenstein," the doctor, isn't in the scene. His monster is. Cut to Robin and Ted, post-coitus. She says that literally blew her mind. "Figuratively," Ted corrects. Side-whoosh. Robin hears shattered glass again. "That is so annoying!" she says of Ted's habit. Lily eats a pretzel. "Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware?" Robin asks.
Apartment. Marshall is getting rid of all of their crunchy foods, including kettle corn. Shouldn't he be packing for the new apartment? Barney, who just snuck in stealthily, doesn't want any snacks. He wants the blinds closed. Barney, pretending to be a spy, shows a CD that he's going to stick in the computer. He says they're going to find out if Marshall is a lawyer. Barney lists all the government regulations this is going to break. Barney has it all set up to frame his night janitor for the crime they're about to commit. Barney asks if Marshall really wants to go through this. He does. Barney gets on the computer and pretends to break through a firewall, then removing any trace of the software he just used. "You ready to see your future, bro?" he asks. Marshall says, tiny-voiced, "Yeah!" Marshall looks..."It's a DOG pooping on a BABY!" he says, exasperated. Ha. Marshall's really pissed that Barney went through all this to show him a dumb video. Then Marshall looks and thinks it's pretty funny, in spite of himself. Ted walks in, on the phone. He can't get off the phone. He hangs up anyway. Lily and Robin show up. Ted asks if she wants a drink. Robin just wants water. Ted says that's technically a drink. "Really, professor? Is that how water works because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope I absorb it," she says. Barney suggests she pour it on her shirt instead. Ted asks what's going on. Robin says he's always correcting people. Marshall and Barney get dual glass-shatters. "You do!" they agree. Robin says this is literally driving her crazy now. "Figuratively," Ted says. He thinks it's annoying that Robin uses "literally" in every other sentence. Glass shatters for Lily, Marshall, and Barney. The dirty secrets! Barney asks if they teach vocabulary in Canada. "They literally don't," Marshall says. Ha. He repeats it again for laughs. Robin tells him to shut up. She says Marshall's always singing whatever he's doing. We cut to Marshall writing a check, singing, "Paying my bills with return address labels from a charity that I haven't given money to." He cuts out a check as Robin looks annoyed. "Writing them a check 'cuz now I feel guilty. The Salvation Army does not fight fair." Lily chews on a chip. Loudly. Cut to Marshall taking his laundry downstairs. "Heading down to the basement today...with my laundry and a roll of quarters!" he sings. He comes back in with, "'Cause I left the detergent and the fabric softener." Glass shatters for Lily and Barney. "The lines are so sloppy," Barney complains.
Marshall tries to point out Barney's big flaw. He can't think of anything. Marshall figures it out: Barney talks in a weird high-pitched voice sometimes. Glass shatters. Robin adds that he's constantly using lame catchphrases. More glass. Ted says Barney spaces out and doesn't pay attention to what they're talking about. Oh God, so much glass shattering! For everyone! "I'm sorry, what?" Barney asks. "You can't think of anything because I'm (high voice) aaawesome!" Robin says he did all three, just then. Ted corrects that "Awesome" is more catch-phrase than word. Shut up, Ted. Robin wants to literally tear his head off. "You mean FIGURATIVELY!" he yells. No, she literally means literally. She yells "literally" a few more times while Lily starts chewing loudly. Robin asks if she's chewing gravel. Marshall says it sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner. Lily asks him to sing about it. Robin says he sometimes says nonsense sentences like a stroke victim. She says they're catchy: "Apple orchard, banana, cat dance 8663!" she sings. By the end, everyone's singing along. She asks what that even means, because he once sang it for three hours. Marshall realizes it's his password. "AOBCD8663." Everyone rushes to the computer. It's another video everyone likes called "golden reliever." Marshall looks. "I'm a lawyer," he says. Big cheer.
MacLaren's. Celebrating. SagetTed says that when someone's bad habit is pointed out to you, it's hard to ignore it. "I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar," Marshall sings. "I'm imposing Marshall Law on this champagne!" Robin says she's literally on Cloud 9 right now. Lily eats a pretzel and is glad he'll never have to take the bar again. Ted corrects that he'll have to if he wants to practice law in another state. Barney, high-pitched, goes, "Lawsuit up!" They all toast. SagetTed says that if you love someone enough, the bad habits are easy to forget. The Spoon song, "The Underdog" plays in the background.
Epilogue. Three years later, Ted runs into Cathy on the street. She talks and talks about how long it's been. She introduces her fiancé, Daniel. Daniel is deaf. They shake hands. Ted thinks it's a great match. Ted is not wearing a wedding ring in this scene, by the way. Ted, who does know sign language, signs, "Great, nice to meet you." Cathy offers to go on a double date and asks if Ted is dating anyone. "She sure talks a lot, huh?' he signs to Daniel. Poor Daniel looks down at the words, "(Glass shattering)" down at the bottom of the screen.