Lobe It Or Hate It

S07E01

We pick up right where we left off last season, which means we have to see House and Cuddy's sex montage, set to way-too-serious piano music and even including Cuddy kissing House's leg scar because this episode was apparently written by a high-school girl. The day, House refuses to let Cuddy go back to the real world of her job and her daughter, so instead they both stay in and have sex a lot and play scrabble. House proves to be, like, a dream boyfriend, cooking up gourmet breakfasts, planning French getaways, and drawing baths for his lady, albeit ones that unintentionally burn her ladyparts. It's all very… well, strange. And not what I expected from this. But Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein are good enough at their jobs to keep me hopeful about where it will end up.

Back at PPTH, the Cottages have their hands slightly full trying to keep the ER and ICU open without a health-regulations-mandated neurosurgeon present. You see, PPTH's only neurosurgeon went home puking. Chase and Hadley make a housecall, and Hadley administers a drug that makes the neurosurgeon feel much better. Perhaps a little too better, as he starts seeing auras around the light and removing his clothes. The Cottages figure out that he's actually suffering from toad egg poisoning, thanks to a seafood festival he snuck out of PPTH to attend and, clearly, suffered great karmic retribution for. PPTH's ER and ICU are opened before Cuddy is ever the wiser. As she finally leaves House's apartment after reassuring him that their new relationship is not going to crash and burn as soon as she gets home and realizes what a mistake it was, both she and House are clearly concerned that that's exactly what will happen.

Oh, and Hadley tricked everyone into thinking she was going to some drug trials in Rome, only to take off for parts unknown without leaving a forwarding address. Hooray!

We pick up right where we left off last season, which was kind of surprising to me because I just assumed we'd jump in, like, a week or three months later, with Hadley already gone and House and Cuddy's relationship having been consummated and semi-established and left to our imaginations. But no, we instead get to spend this entire episode watching it, kind of like when House went to a mental hospital last season and we had to watch that for two hours. And it was all very out-of-character and deviated from the show's formula in a way that left a bad taste in my mouth. Although a lot of people liked it as much as I didn't, so ... enjoy!

House is still slightly injured from having a building fall on him, so Cuddy's first act as his girlfriend is to check on his shoulder wound. "It's gonna get infected," she whispers. Sexy! She grabs some wound care items as House just stands there, stunned by the turn his life has taken as well as, possibly, how it's suddenly daylight outside. Apparently in the one minute that passed between last season and now, the sun came up. Cuddy takes off House's shirt and cleans his wound and then his still-dirty face with a washcloth. Excellent -- a warm washcloth dabbed a few times on a gaping wound full of, like, concrete dust, asbestos, and bacteria is definitely the best way to treat and prevent further infection. If you're a doctor in the 1800s. Or a doctor who kind of sucks at doctoring, like Cuddy. Then she starts taking off his pants, to which he puts up slight resistance. She feels up his leg scar. "Don't. Don't," he says; "isn't this the show where we have sons die from radiation poisoning accidentally caused by a gift from their fathers? Where parents lose their newborn babies due to a sickness spread by a stuffed animal given out by an ill hospital volunteer? Where people barf shit? What's with the weird cheesy sentimental stuff?" "It's okay," Cuddy says; "I love you." She kisses it. So that's how this episode is going to be. They make out and House carries her into bed and a sex montage. The morning, he asks: "so ... now what?"

Well, first, it's time for some new opening credits, now with Peter Jacobson and Olivia Wilde and no Jennifer Morrison. And it only took them four seasons to properly update. I'm dating back to when Cameron died her hair back to blonde but was still wandering through the opening credits as a brunette, and then, of course, how Taub and Hadley have been permanent regular characters for the past two seasons.

Cuddy says she doesn't want to talk about their relationship when "everything's good." As for what to do in the near future, Cuddy has to go home and get ready for work. And, uh, see her daughter. Also, Lucas was living with Cuddy and their daughter and she just dumped him, like, last night. So there might be things to work out there. Like, surely he still has to move his stuff out, at least? Or might have reacted to having his heart broken by burning the place down? She should probably check in, is what I'm saying. Also, Cuddy's phone is ringing. It's Cuddy's new assistant, and she temporarily goes insane and allows House to answer it for her. He claims he's Cuddy's nanny, and that Cuddy is ill with some kind of stomach problem and so won't be able to come in today. Assistant says Dr. Richardson has the same stomach bug, since he just threw up all over the OR. House recommends that the assistant send the doctor home, have the ER sterilized, and "use your own brain." Problem solved, I'm sure. Cuddy orders House to take a bath. No more washcloth rubdowns? The romance is gone.

At PPTH, meanwhile, the Cottages have assembled in the meeting room sans their boss. Foreman is concerned, as he was the last person to see House before he left, and House wasn't looking too good then. The other Cottages don't give a shit about House, nor should they. Instead, they want to know about Hadley and her leave of absence, which they all know about despite her best efforts to keep them in the dark. Taub is quick to say that he didn't tell, and Chase admits that he saw the envelope on House's desk and steamed it open to see what was inside. "What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret," Taub says, disgusted with Chase's inability to properly sneak around. Foreman says he just ripped the envelope open when he saw it (apparently, the Cottages spend their nights wandering in and out of House's office, hoping to find something interesting on his desk). He wants to know where Hadley is going. Hadley, of course, refuses to say. I guess before she leaves the show for a while they're going to send us off with another stupid Dr. Hadley, Mystery Woman subplot.

Before House can bathe, of course, he and Cuddy have to clean the bathroom, which is full of mirror shards from last night's temper tantrum/desperate drug grab. "I was in a mood," House explains. Cuddy finds the bottles of pills on the floor and grabs them before House can see, then runs off to answer her ringing phone. House asks her not to answer it. "It could be important," she says. "This is important," House says. Sure. But not as important as CUDDY'S DAUGHTER. What if there's some emergency with her? Although I guess Cuddy isn't worried about her calling since she's too young to use the phone and she's probably unattended in the house anyway. House says they are "more important" than anything that could be happening at PPTH, so he thinks they should turn off their phones. Cuddy agrees to this because she's a terrible mother. She leaves the bathroom to turn off the phone/dispose of the pills, but it's not enough for House, who accuses her of being "distracted" when she returns. Cuddy apologizes, saying there is a lot going on at PPTH right now: the Clinic's funding is possibly being reduced by the state (no big loss. Let's face it: the Clinic sucks. Go to the infinitely better St. Sebastian's), Nurse Jeffrey, who will never be Nurse Brenda, is filing his 12th HR complaint (ha ha ha, Nurse Jeffrey thinks PPTH has an HR department. Idiot), and Dr. Richardson is a little miffed about essentially being kept prisoner at PPTH for the last week. Hmm. Cuddy's real problem, from what I can tell, is that she isn't very good at running a hospital. PPTH is a disaster. The mention of Richardson gets House's interest, and Cuddy explains that he's the only neurosurgeon PPTH has right now, and so he must stay on the premises at all times or PPTH will not be allowed to function as a Level 1 Trauma Center, thus shutting down the ER and ICU. House cuts her off with a shoulder massage and a promise of a "magical bath" with "transformative powers." He also quotes a Lucky Charms commercial, which is awesome. He says he must work in privacy on this bath, kicking Cuddy out of the bathroom. She totally falls for it. House calls Chase.

"If we don't have a neurosurgeon, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies," House says. He's being sarcastic, but in the case of Cuddy's baby, that's probably true. No doubt she's wandered off into the woods by now and is currently being either eaten or raised by wolves. He orders Chase to be PPTH's neurosurgeon for the day or so. "I'm not a neurosurgeon," Chase says. Oh really? Because I'm pretty sure we've seen him perform neurosurgery before, back in seasons four and five when the writers didn't know what the hell to do with him so they just made him the Chief of Every Kind Of Surgery. Meanwhile, House's magic bath consists of whatever he can find in his bathroom cabinet, mainly Old Spice and Listerine. House tells Chase he won't actually have to do any neurosurgery -- they'll just divert any brain or spine traumas to a different, much better hospital. "It's an administrative problem, not a medical one," House says. Well, yeah, until someone at PPTH desperately needs emergency neurosurgery. Then you're all screwed. Actually, I'm wondering how things are going for whoever Dr. Richardson was operating on when he got sick in the first place. Surely, they need someone to go in there and clean out the puke chunks Richardson left in his cranial cavity. Chase doesn't agree to any of this, but that's enough for House to assume he'll take care of it and hang up on him.

Hadley, meanwhile, is playing pool in the doctor's lounge while she waits for her worried co-workers to give her some much-needed attention. Enter Foreman, who says he knows she's going to Rome, thanks to the flight information she left in her locker that he broke into. Not only that, but she's leaving tomorrow. Hadley "jokes" that she's going because she heard they were tearing down the Colosseum to build a karaoke bar. Foreman thinks it's because a prominent hospital there is doing a Huntington's trial. It's still in the very risky beginning stages, though, so Foreman doesn't think Hadley should be doing it. I agree with him, only because the last time Hadley did a Huntington's trial, she got a brain tumor in like one day. Hadley gets all pissy about Foreman prying into her personal life and refuses to tell him anything.

House and Cuddy bathe. House ruins the moment by asking Cuddy how to define their relationship and throwing out the word "open." "You think I want to see other people?" she asks. House says they were both emotional last night and their hooking up was "impulsive," so he'd understand if she didn't want to be in a serious relationship immediately. Way to totally pretend you weren't angling for a threesome, House. Cuddy tells him to stop analyzing and enjoy the moment. Yeah, that's going to happen. The conversation really picks up as Cuddy says that House's magic bath is "burning [her] ladyparts." "How do you think my anus feels?" he responds, really setting quite the mood. They agree it's time to get out of the bath. Cuddy doesn't seem to wonder why it smells like aftershave and mint.

Foreman and Chase approach Cuddy's assistant, who is calling all over the state to try to find a neurosurgeon. So far, he's been unsuccessful. Also, he reports, Cuddy's phone keeps going straight to voicemail. "I'm a neurosurgeon," Chase says. Despite the very serious look on his face, the assistant knows he's lying, as Cuddy smartly made him research House and his team as soon as he started working there. So he knows that while Chase did a neurosurgery residency, he is not board-certified. Also, Chase looks about 13 years old, so even if he was an actual neurosurgeon, no one would ever be able to take him seriously. And finally, Cuddy's assistant totally looks like Mr. Bean.

House, the perfect boyfriend despite his earlier comment about want

ing an open relationship and the fact that his magic bath gave his girlfriend chemical burns on her private area, has prepared breakfast for Cuddy: cornflakes and something he calls "assorted exotic breakfast meats in a chili sauce reduction." He did not, apparently, make anything for himself, so he won't be eating anything for breakfast. Much like Cuddy's daughter, who is no doubt currently starving all alone in her cold, dark home. Cuddy claims she's happy she stayed in and likes the breakfast House made for her. House says she's lying, and he can always tell when she's lying. "I slept with my freshman roommate," Cuddy says. House knows that is a lie. He says she has a "tell," but won't say what it is. Cuddy then demands that House tell her something she doesn't know about him. This conversation is boring. I'm more concerned about Cuddy's corn flakes getting soggy because she's waiting so long to eat them than anything they have to say. House's revelation is that he had an "intimate relationship" with a photo of Cuddy. Ew. Cuddy knows exactly which photo he's talking about, remembering when he took a picture of her as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween. "Why else would you take that picture?" she reasons. Maybe he wanted to immortalize your lame costume? I mean, Sleeping Beauty? Is that really the best you can do, Cuddy? "I have to pee," House says, getting up as quickly as his leg will let him. He then says he was lying and Cuddy didn't realize it -- "I actually have to poop." That House knows just what to say to make a girl feel sexy.

Of course, House doesn't have to use the bathroom at all. He's just answering his cell phone. It's Chase, letting House know that Cuddy's assistant not only didn't believe that Chase was a neurosurgeon, but he also notified the Department of Public Health that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises, as he's legally required to do. That doesn't mean Cuddy won't fire his ass when she gets back, though. Chase says there's nothing more he can do -- as soon as the DPH shows up, PPTH's ER will be shut down. House annoyingly tells Chase he's looking forward to him solving this problem and hangs up on him. He makes sure to flush the toilet on his way out so Cuddy will believe his lie about having to use the bathroom. Although if she can hear a toilet flush, then certainly she heard him talking on the phone, right?

The Cottages continue to look for another neurosurgeon. Why do they care? This is Chase's problem, and it's not really even his problem. Hadley had the right idea playing pool in the lounge. In fact, Chase actually says that this isn't their problem, pointing out that it isn't House's problem either, so he's not sure why House is on their asses to fix it. Foreman then wonders where Cuddy is. But no one makes the connection between House not being at work and ordering them to do Cuddy's job and Cuddy also not being at work. Foreman says they can either do nothing and let the DPH shut half of PPTH down or try to cover it up and risk the DPH finding out and shutting the entire hospital down. Hadley has a third way: they get Richardson up and running. Chase, Taub, and Foreman shoot to see who has to go with her. Chase gets the short end of the stick.

Back at the House of Love, Cuddy is now wearing House's bathrobe. House is wearing a totally different outfit than what he had on before. And he has another surprise for her: a sword with which he intends to open a bottle of champagne. "You might want to stand behind me for this," he says. Yeah. She might want to stand in another room for this. Sure enough, he completely obliterates the bottle, which tends to happen when you strike a breakaway bottle with a sword. I'm pretty sure that, while the bottle was supposed to break, it wasn't supposed to completely shatter like it did, so House and Cuddy's reaction (along with the camera moving around and going in and out of focus as if the cameraman was expecting the director to cut the scene) wasn't intentional. But Hugh Laurie is such a professional that he just keeps the scene going, saying "yeah. I think I may have done that slightly wrong. Well, good thing I got a case," still with his American accent. And then Wilson knocks on the door and the scene continues. Even though Lisa Edelstein totally snorted when she laughed. House hopes that if he ignores Wilson, he'll leave. Because that happens.

After the break, House and Cuddy are hunkered down on the couch, still waiting for Wilson to give up and leave. House suggests they have sex to pass the time, only for his cell phone to ring loudly. "You turned on my ringer?!" he whisper-yells to Cuddy, which is pointless now that the sound of the ring has negated any reason for keeping his voice down. Also, I love how Cuddy turned House's ringer on but not her own, even though she has a daughter. Wilson, stationed outside House's door, says he knows House is in there because he heard the phone. Cuddy thinks House might as well let him in, but House instead answers the phone and pretends to be his own voicemail message, adding that if Wilson is calling, he should know that House is "fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last patient." "Beeeeep!" he concludes. For some reason, Wilson doesn't fall for it. He tells House that he can't just skip work. "What's Cuddy gonna say?" he asks. Oh, please. Like Cuddy doesn't already let House do whatever he wants. Also, how awesome would it have been if Wilson had added "she's such an uptight bitch. I hate her and I'm sick of pretending I don't just because she's my boss." House says Cuddy gave him the day off. "And tomorrow," he adds, pushing his luck. Off an outraged glance from Cuddy, he changes his day off to just today. "I'm fine. Now go away. Beeeeep!" Wilson gives up, threatening to come back tomorrow if House isn't at work. Talking to Wilson turns House on, so he makes out with Cuddy.

Hadley and Chase have arrived at Richardson's house, and the guy looks miserable, so pale he's gray and clinging to his toilet. Damn, if I felt as bad as Richardson looks, I probably wouldn't leave the hospital -- I'd have myself admitted. Although maybe I wouldn't if that hospital was PPTH. That place is a death trap. I mean, they don't even have a neurosurgeon on the premises! Hadley unsympathetically orders Richardson to "suck it up and go back to the hospital." Wow, just because you have Huntington's, doesn't mean everyone else's illnesses are small peanuts. Also, if I were Richardson, I'd be laughing at the idea of these young punk fellows trying to boss me around like that. And then I'd call the police to remove them from my home. Oh, and an ambulance to take me to any hospital except PPTH. All Richardson says, however, is he won't leave the room without his precious toilet, as if PPTH doesn't have any of those for him to use. He says he ate bad sushi and is suffering from food poisoning. Chase offers to give him some anti-nausea medicine, as if that ever actually does anything for nausea and that even if it did, that would be all Richardson needed to feel better. Food poisoning makes everything feel horrible all the time. Get rid of the nausea and you still feel like you want to die. In any case, Richardson already took anti-nausea meds and they clearly aren't helping. Hadley wonders if Richardson isn't suffering from food poisoning after all. Chase says that whatever he does have (as he's now assuming that Hadley is right based on ... uh ... nothing), it has apparently damaged the lining of his stomach, so they have to heal that before anything they give him will actually work. Somehow. Hadley suggests giving Richardson a bunch of drugs for his nausea and assumed damaged stomach lining. Chase asks what to give him for his underlying condition, but Hadley says they don't have to worry about that: "who cares? He's not our patient. The hospital is." "I can hear you," Richardson moans. Well, I guess he should have thought about this when he agreed to work for a hospital with only 3 neurosurgeons on staff. By the way, how does that work? Do they do 8 hour shifts seven days

a week? If one of them goes on vacation or gets sick, then the other two have to work 16-hour shifts every day until he returns, right? You'd think if having a neurosurgeon there at all times was this important, they'd have, like, sixteen of them. Hadley asks Richardson if he'd be willing to take a "fairly risky drug" in exchange for feeling much better. Feeling much better isn't going to do you much good if the drug gives you a heart attack, though.

Cuddy and House collapse on the bed, naked and sweaty and breathing hard. So were they having sex while hovering in the air above the bed? Standing up on the bed? That can't be good for House's leg. Cuddy totally ruins (or possibly enhances) their post-coital bliss by asking House why he didn't let Wilson in the apartment. "You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I," House responds. Huh. But while House may have been thinking about Wilson's body, Cuddy was thinking about House's motivation not to let Wilson in. "You were hiding me from him. Why?" Cuddy demands. House says he was simply "protecting [Cuddy's] privacy." This from the guy who once announced to the entire PPTH lobby that he was having sex with her. "Why would we be doing all this if I wanted to be private?" she says. Um ... because it's more fun that way? Oh, and because everyone at PPTH will surely think less of Cuddy for dating an asshole like House? Or maybe because someone is bound to call children's services just in case House comes anywhere near Cuddy's child? How about the fact that, as of yesterday, Cuddy was engaged to another man? There are so many reasons. Then it occurs to Cuddy that perhaps House isn't ready to go public about being with her.

Chase and Hadley play chess in Richardson's bedroom (apparently, he doesn't have a living room) while they wait for the drugs to hopefully take effect. Chase mentions that the drugs they gave him are kind of dangerous, but Hadley says since she hasn't heard him collapse on the floor, she's going to assume he's still "quietly puking" and not dead. Does anyone with food poisoning (or whatever we're supposed to think Richardson has) puke quietly? Hadley reminds us all that she doesn't care what happens to Richardson as long as PPTH has a neurosurgeon, then chides Chase for being too much of a "girl" to make his chess move. And then, because it's all about Hadley, she asks Chase when he's going to lay into her about going to Rome for the Huntington's trial. He says he won't, although he would like to ask her to sleep with him. You see, Chase has been slowly trying to woo Hadley, but now that she's suddenly leaving tomorrow, he has to take the fast, direct approach. Let's see, how many things are wrong with this? First of all, stop sleeping with your co-workers, Chase. This isn't Grey's Anatomy. Second, don't sleep with your co-worker's ex-girlfriend. Third, stop making Hadley seem like God's gift to everything. The fact that she's attractive shouldn't mean much to Chase by now, seeing as he's known her long enough to know how much her personality sucks. But I guess they have to do this so Hadley's transition into Cameron can be complete. Cameron who? Exactly. Before Hadley can respond, Richardson pops into the room looking and feeling much better. He says he's fit enough to return to PPTH. Also, "that lamp is shiny." The lamp in question is not shiny. Chase assumes Richardson is feeling side effects from the drugs Hadley gave him, one of which was apparently LSD. Hadley doesn't care as long as they get Richardson to PPTH.

House has a fabulous idea on how to prove to Cuddy that he isn't afraid to go public with their relationship: a sex tape. They can send it to Wilson, who, as we know, has some experience with those. Some noise in the kitchen alerts them to the fact that someone is trying to break in. As if that could be anyone but Wilson. And yet, House is ready to defend himself and his lady with his nearby sword. If the burglar is a breakaway champagne bottle, it had better watch out.

Sure enough, it is Wilson trying to break in. Unfortunately, his pear-shapedness has gotten him stuck halfway through House's window. House greets him by sticking his sword in Wilson's face. Wilson doesn't seem to mind that too much. House decides to enjoy having Wilson stuck in his window and makes himself some tea. Despite his compromising position, Wilson lectures House on his behavior recently, saying that of course it would lead Wilson to assume that he was back on drugs. House begs to differ, saying he's having sex with his girlfriend. For some reason, Wilson doesn't believe him. And so, House assists him into his apartment to prove it. He says that he is not spending the day with a hooker, but with a real girlfriend whose name "begins with 'C' and ends with 'Uddy.'" That could be anyone, from Cathy Buddy to Colleen Fluddy, but Wilson assumes that House is talking about Cuddy. And that he's having more Vicodin hallucinations. House walks him to his bedroom to show her off, only to find it empty. For a second, I thought maybe House was hallucinating again and how that would be kind of cool in that it was unexpected, but also lame since the writers have already done it. Both House and Cuddy's out-of-character behavior would have made more sense that way, though. Anyway, while we wonder what's going on, Wilson holds his "I knew it!" disappointed parent expression for like twenty minutes before we go to a commercial.

After the break, Wilson finishes up his physical exam of House, reporting that everything seems fine. If he's not on Vicodin right now, then, he wants to know why House lied to him about Cuddy. House says he was trying to shut Wilson up, as if that's possible or that claiming he's sleeping with Cuddy would do the trick. Apparently, though, it's enough for Wilson this time, and he offers to hang out with House if he wants company. House says he doesn't, but Wilson doesn't get the hint, saying that House shouldn't be alone after what he went through last night. House says he'll call a hooker over if he feels lonely, and apparently that's consistent enough with how Wilson expects House to behave that he leaves him alone. House finds Cuddy hiding in his closet. So yes, we can assume that she is real and not a hallucination after all. I'm still not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

While Cuddy's assistant watches, Hadley and Taub tend to Richardson in a Clinic room. Richardson sings their praises, as well as those of the fluorescent lights overhead. Cuddy's assistant suspects that Richardson is not up to performing surgery, but Taub (who really should be better at deceiving people) stammers that he's just suffering from high blood sugar and will be fine once they pump him full of fluids. Cuddy's Ass says he'd better be, since the DPH guy will be there in twenty minutes. With that, he runs out of the room, and Taub asks Hadley what Richardson's real problem is. Hadley says Chase is doing labs right now, but their top two candidates are hepatitis and a peptic ulcer. Huh? I had an ulcer once and I don't remember ever feeling awesome or seeing light trails during the weeks I was suffering from it. Although, oddly enough, I did have a conversation with Robert Sean Leonard about whales during that time. Taub finally asks Hadley about her leave of absence. She says she's flying out tomorrow and doesn't know how long she'll be gone. Which is great news, because that means forever is still on the table, right? Hadley expects Taub to discourage her from this, but he says he thinks she should go for every possibility to get better that she can. I agree. Especially since it means her not being on the show for a while.

And now it's House's turn to be offended. Cuddy claims that she only hid from Wilson because she didn't want House to feel "pressured" to tell the truth about them. I think it's more like Cuddy suddenly gained an ounce of sanity and realized that she should probably be kind of ashamed of herself f

or getting involved with House. House's response is an invitation to a game of Boggle.

Chase, Cuddy's Ass, and the DPH guy make their way to see Richardson. Chase quietly admits to Cuddy's Ass that Richardson is not doing much better, but he has a plan: as they approach the OR to see Richardson, Chase reports that he has already scrubbed in for a surgery and so cannot be made available for the DPH guy to speak with. The DPH guy could just say he'll wait for the surgery to be complete or even just admit to himself that he works for the Department of Public Health in New Jersey, which has more toxic waste dump sites than any other state as well as those nasty Jersey Shore people and so is beyond saving anyway. Instead, he gets all pissy with Cuddy's Ass for falsely reporting that the neurosurgeon wasn't there and turns to leave. Just when Chase is feeling pretty proud of himself for pulling this whole thing off, Richardson suddenly emerges from the OR, complaining about how hot it is in there. He solves this problem by removing all of his clothes except for some baggy underwears (this is Fox, after all. Also, they've pretty much exhausted their nudity quotient with House and Cuddy) and walking down the hall talking about Woodstock. Poor Richardson, man. Those assholes dragged his crazy sick ass to PPTH and now he's walked down the halls of his workplace in just his underwear. When he comes off this high and realizes what they made him do, he's going to have to resign. And then PPTH won't have any neurosurgeons. Again. The DPH guy is not amused. He orders PPTH to shut down its ER and ICU. Chase and the assistant are lucky they aren't being sanctioned by the DPH for lying to them.

Meanwhile, Cuddy just found a way to turn a fun game of Boggle into another statement about her and House's new relationship. He didn't see the word "love" in there and she did, so now she wants to know why he never told her he loved her after she told him. House turns Cuddy's earlier words against her, saying that he's just trying to let things be "nice" and not over-analyze everything. "Words don't matter. Actions matter," House says. True, although it's always nice to hear "I love you." I don't think it needs to be within the first 24 hours of embarking on a new relationship, though. Especially since at this time yesterday, Cuddy was probably saying "I love you" to Lucas. In the end, House manages to sort of say it to Cuddy by spelling it out in Boggle tiles. He couldn't find a "V" though, so she'll have to make do with "I lobe you." That seems to shut Cuddy up for now, but it's obvious she'll want more soon.

PPTH clears out its ER and ICU under the watchful eye of DPH guy, a.k.a. Mr. No Sense of Humor. Chase reports back to the Cottages that Richardson's labs came back negative for everything they tested him for. Hadley doesn't see why that matters now, seeing as how they weren't able to save PPTH from the evil DPH. Yes, but now Richardson is kind of insane, and that's your fault. So you should probably fix it, as Chase points out, adding that Richardson is once again trying to take his clothes off. While Taub tends to that, Chase remarks that Richardson should be "coming down" by now. Foreman pipes up to say that maybe Richardson's behavior is not from the drugs they gave him, but a symptom of whatever's wrong with him. They're able to rule out environmental causes immediately, since Richardson spent the last five days trapped in PPTH and no one else is sick. Richardson admits that he snuck out to attend a "Seafood Festival at the Convention Center." Well, that can't possibly be a good idea. "We're screwed," Hadley says. She just isn't even trying today. Like, it's almost hostile how little she cares about making Richardson better. Did he personally insult her once or something? Chase tries to narrow it down, asking Richardson what he ate at the festival of food poisoning. "Whatever looked good," he says. Of course, it's Hadley who comes up with the epiphany because she's just that amazing. She asks if he ate any little tiny eggs. "Nummy," Richardson responds. That's a yes. "Toad eggs will cause nausea and they can get you high," she says. THEN WHY SERVE THEM AT A SEAFOOD FESTIVAL. TOADS AREN'T EVEN SEAFOOD. Maybe they should get the DPH guy out of PPTH and over to that stupid festival. Fortunately and conveniently, the antidote to toad egg poisoning is fast-acting and apparently readily available at PPTH.

House and Cuddy are naked in bed again. House has only a laptop covering his crotch. Fortunately, it's a large laptop -- it looks like a 17" Macbook Pro. Unfortunately, certain models have had problems of overheating to the point of burning people in the past. So, watch out, House's crotch! Apparently, Cuddy is telling House about her dream vacation spot. It's in France, though, so ... yuck. Also, she can't remember the name of it. House does, however, as he once noticed that she had a picture of it as her screensaver years ago and stowed that away in his mind. This does not bode well for me if I ever get a boyfriend with a photographic memory and amazing observation skills, as the picture on my laptop is that big grassy hill that comes with Windows XP. It looks nice and all, but I don't think I'd ever want to vacation there. House has already made travel plans to Mont Saint-Michel -- all Cuddy has to do is click "ok" and they can be in France tomorrow. Incidentally, a quick Wikipedia check on Mont Saint-Michel says its population is just 41, so if House were to go there, he could very well manage to piss off the entire community in less than five minutes. Cuddy says she can't just up and leave. House assumes that she doesn't want to be away from work (where, by the way, you usually can't just announce you'll be on vacation starting tomorrow and not expect to get fired. Same goes for requesting a leave of absence, effective immediately), but Cuddy reminds him that she kind of has a daughter and stuff. Way to think of the kid, Cuddy! It only took you all day to remember that she exists. House says the kid can come too, or be dropped off at Cuddy's mom's house. "This is crazy," Cuddy says. "So you break off your engagement but you won't adjust your schedule," House says, all hurt about the fact that Cuddy doesn't love him enough to abandon her career and daughter. Cuddy says she may not be able to go to France immediately, but they could definitely take a weekend trip in two weeks. Yeah, a weekend trip to Europe. That's simple. I went to England once for a three-day trip, and by the time I was settled in and recovered from jetlag, I basically had to turn around and go back to the airport. Although this was not for a romantic weekend away, but for a funeral, so maybe that's different. Oh, and I got in trouble at work for leaving for a few days on such short notice and I was a Subway Sandwich Artist, which I'm pretty sure is less essential and easier to replace than the Dean of Medicine at a hospital.

Hadley administers the antidote to Richardson. While they're waiting for it to take effect, Foreman apologizes to Hadley for prying into her personal business, then asks if she's going to Rome with someone. "Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking if I'm seeing somebody else?" Hadley asks, because it's all about how desirable she is. Foreman says he just doesn't want her to go through something like this alone, because it must be terrifying. And if Hadley had human emotions, then yes, she probably would be. But she doesn't. He offers to fly over for a few days just so she'll feel like she has a friend around. Man, Lastminutetickettstoeurope.com is getting crazy hits right now from the greater Princeton-Plainsboro area! Hadley says she appreciates Foreman's offer, but declines. They shake hands because they are Friends now. Richardson joins in, because he's awesome.

Cuddy finally gets ready to go home. She gets to the doorknob, and I was hoping that when she opened his front door, Wilson would come tumbling in because he'd been leaning against it listening all this time. Instead, she pauses and lo

oks at House's rather forlorn expression. "What's the problem?" she asks. "This isn't gonna work," he says.

After the break, Cuddy asks what makes House so sure they won't work. Um, how about everything? House says that in time, Cuddy will remember all the horrible things House has done and he'll start doing them again and she'll be forced to admit that he is "an insane choice for someone who has a kid." I don't know about that, actually. I mean, the fact that he realizes that makes him that much better parenting material than Cuddy. He says that soon, she'll realize that being with House was a big mistake. Damn, he probably should have told her all this before she dumped her fiancé.

Dr. Richardson, now fully-clothed and normal, is re-introduced to the DPH guy. "I'm sorry that we met under such trying circumstances. I hope you restore our rating as a Level 1 Trauma Center and re-open the ER and the ICU immediately," he says. Hadley explains that Richardson has been treated for his "accidental poisoning" and is now perfectly capable of working again. DPH guy asks Richardson to perform a few simple tasks to prove his competence and allows Cuddy's Ass to re-open everything. Well, that was easy. Chase says that Cuddy's Ass will be up late tonight getting everything up and running again, and it's his own fault for being a responsible citizen and employee and reporting PPTH to the DPH in the first place. With that, Chase invites Hadley to her own going-away party, as planned by Taub. "I never should have flashed him," Hadley mutters, once again assuming that people only like her because of her physical appearance. Which is probably true. In fact, they're probably only throwing a party for Hadley to celebrate the fact that she's leaving. I know I am. Chase once again extends his invitation to Hadley to have sex with him. She tries to let him down easy again, but he still doesn't get it, so she says "no. No. No no. No." She then asks if that's ever worked. "At least once," he says. He's talking about Cameron, of course, although I believe it was her who offered to have sex with him. Also, aren't we all supposed to forget that she ever existed? Hadley gives Chase a consolation prize hug. She attempts to emote over his shoulder.

And now, after avoiding the Real Issue all day long, Cuddy and House have no choice but to Talk About It. Cuddy decides to make lemonade out of lemons, saying House is just "afraid" because he's "happy." "You just don't expect it to last," she says. "Because it doesn't," he says, knowing the writers of this show so well. "You don't know that," Cuddy says. House again says he's done "horrible things" to Cuddy in the past and is apparently planning on doing them again in the future, and Cuddy is naïve to think he's changed. "I don't want you to change," Cuddy says. She somehow fell in love with who he is, "the most incredible man [she's] ever known." And it ain't like Cuddy's perfect, by the way. At least House is aware of his faults. She kisses him and says she's going home. House holds her hand and says "I love you." And they can both hope and even believe that that will be enough.

Meanwhile, despite the presence of a "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Ephraim" cake, Hadley has not shown up to her going-away party. Does this mean things got mixed up at the cake shop, and poor Ephraim has a cake that says "Happy Experimental Huntington's Trial, Thirteen!" He must be very confused. Foreman says he doesn't think Hadley is going to Rome after all -- he called the hospital there and they had no record of her. And her phone lines have been disconnected. "She's just gone," Foreman says. HOORAY!!! And way to leave on such an asshole note, Hadley, putting PPTH in a bad position by suddenly depriving it of a staff member and causing all of your co-worker friends to worry about you because you love being so mysterious that you won't tell them where you're going.

"It's gonna be great," Cuddy promises House. He smiles and closes the front door in her face. As soon as she's out of his apartment and he's left alone, though, their hopeful smiles fade into worry, leaving them and us with the same question with which we began: now what?

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

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