Some little girl has pancreatitis and gallstones and then her skin gets all rashy and she's either allergic to everything or nothing, but who cares about that? We have a story arc to progress! Tritter goes all-out this week, ably ducking a tongue-lashing from Cuddy, freezing all the Cottages' bank accounts, and doing way too much research into their backgrounds in order to try to get someone to turn against House. When he can't accomplish that, he sets Chase up so that everyone will think he turned on House. By the way, Tritter does this all from the comfort of some random hospital room he's spending his week off hanging out in. Who let him do that? Doesn't the hospital need its random empty rooms for hospital business? Whatever. Meanwhile, Cuddy keeps House's Vicodin supply on a very short leash, doling out pills when she thinks it's appropriate. As you can guess, this contrasts with House's vision of how many pills he should get and how often, which is "a buttload" and "all the time," respectively. He starts to come unglued, sending the little girl into surgery for an unnecessary amputation of her arm and leg until Chase figures out what's really wrong with the girl, which only earns him a punch in the face from House. Fortunately, it also saves the girl's arm and leg. Unfortunately, it means she's allergic to light, so her life will still totally suck. Oh well! Chase is finally fed up. So is Wilson, who ends the episode going to Tritter, ready to turn House in. Which I'm totally in favor of, since House was really mean to Cuddy and made her cry.
We open at an amusement park. A father puts his daughter against one of those "you must be this tall to ride this" boards and proudly announces that she is, in fact, "just tall enough" for the ride. The girl isn't pleased; she was hoping not to have to go on the ride. This is in direct contrast to my childhood, where I was always just a little too short to go on all the rides I so desperately wanted to ride. The dad's kind of pushy about the ride and practically drags his daughter toward it before he gets the message that she doesn't want to go on. He says that they can go home and have fun there, looking all disappointed, so, of course, the girl changes her mind and gets on the ride. Father and daughter are seated in a little spaceship thing that goes around in a circle, and the girl starts screaming. She continues screaming even after the ride has stopped. Way to go, Dad.
At PPTH, Mother and Father bicker while the girl, Alice, lies in bed. Cameron is stuck in between the parents trying to get Alice's medical history. "You're alone with her for eight hours; she ends up in a hospital," Mother notes bitterly. Cameron asks the woman if they can stick to answering the medical questions and stop getting into personal stuff, calling the woman "Mrs. Hartman." "I'm not Mrs. Hartman. We're divorced," she replies. "I suspected," Cameron says, ably refraining from saying "no fucking shit."
Meanwhile, Cuddy is trying to convince some rich people to donate half a million dollars to PPTH. She does not mention that the money will be used for multiple MRI repairs and legal bills to fend off the police investigations of the heads of their Diagnostic and Oncology departments. Suddenly, a red light appears on Cuddy's forehead. When it moves down to Cuddy's boobs, she knows who's responsible and excuses herself. Unfortunately, by standing, Cuddy exposes her crotch to the red light, and the uptight rich woman responds with an "oh!" Oh, get over yourself, rich woman. People with money have private areas, too.
Cuddy marches outside and says she would rather the red light had come from a sniper than the immature employee who somehow got his hands on a laser pointer even though I'm sure the hospital store and all stores in the vicinity of PPTH have been given strict instructions not to sell them to House. Indeed, House says that he got the laser pointer when he pulled it out of a patient's ass, winning second prize in the Clinic's weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out Of Orifice" contest. First prize went to a zucchini, which doesn't seem very weird to me. Unless the orifice it was pulled out of was, like, an ear. Or maybe Evil Nurse Brenda was determined not to let House win and stacked the votes. Cuddy gets a cup full of Vicodins from the pharmacist and hands them to House so that she can go back to her work. He protests; he wants a prescription, not a cup full of pills like he lives in a nursing home. Cuddy says that she will be doling out "reasonable doses at reasonable times" from now on, covering her ass just like every other doctor is covering his ass now that PPTH has become Princeton PD's Public Enemy #1. House says that he is in an unreasonable amount of pain. Cuddy tells him to dip into his "secret stash" of Vicodins, then. House says that Shitter took it. Cuddy says that House can use his "secret secret stash." Nope, House says; he ran out. "Then move on to your secret secret secret stash!" says Cuddy. She's got him there. Although, you know, if she knew that House had a secret secret secret stash of pills, you'd think she'd also realize that that he might have just a little bit of a problem.
The Cottages talk about their new patient and her mysterious case of pancreatitis. Pancreatitis, by the way, is bad news. I once spun a blood sample from a guy with severe pancreatitis, and instead of the serum being yellow and clear, it came out all pink and milky. I thought I must have done something wrong, but the technician told me that's what pancreatitis blood looks like. It's also what your blood looks like immediately after you eat a cheeseburger and fries. I was so horrified, I didn't eat a cheeseburger and fries for, like, a week! Anyway, the Cottages are checking out Patient Alice's CT when House barges in, going right for a lupus textbook, which he has hollowed out to hide a bottle of pills inside. "It's never lupus," he explains. Well, he's got a point. I shudder to think what he could have hidden in the vasculitis textbook. House checks out the CT for a second and says that they're looking at a patient with gallstones that caused pancreatitis. Foreman dismisses this, saying that six-year-olds don't get gallstones, but Chase sticks up for House, saying that he correctly guessed the pancreatitis, so there might be something to his theory. Foreman accuses Chase of being a kiss-ass. House tells them to check out Alice's gallbladder, where he's sure they'll find more gallstones.
While the Cottages ultrasound Alice's gut, Foreman and Cameron make fun of Chase some more for sucking up to House. Cameron rather cruelly says that this is learned behavior from all the sucking up Chase did to his father, which got him this "cushy job" that seems more like an exercise in mental torture than a great life experience to me. Also, it's not true; I kinda doubt Chase did much sucking up to a man he refused even to speak to for ten years. Chase points out that his father also cut him out of his will, so Cameron can shut up. Not Foreman, though; he says that Chase must just be "hardwired to kiss ass." Chase says that he's found gallstones in Alice's gallbladder, just like House said he would.
Mother and Father are surprised to hear that a little girl can get gallstones. Chase explains that they are surprised, too, and that he wants to remove the gallbladder to see what caused the stones. Dad immediately agrees to this, so Mom, of course, has to disagree. My god, they act like me and my brother when we were eight years old. Anything he liked, I hated, and vice versa. Actually, I don't know if there was much vice versa. It might have just been me insisting on hating everything my brother loved. Oh, except Legos. We both loved Legos. They should give Legos to Israel and Palestine. Anyway, Mom thinks they should get a second opinion before they let people remove their daughter's organs. She has a point there.
And now it's time for the Cuddy-Shitter showdown we've all been waiting for! She finds him spending his week off work looking through hospital files in a random room at PPTH that I'm sure could be used more efficiently. Why is he allowed to have access to those? Come on, Cuddy, get a lawyer! Stop the insanity! Instead, Cuddy accuses Shitter of not having a life and therefore spending his week off "personalizing every slight." Shitter says that this isn't personal, even though it totally is. Cuddy yells at him for shutting down an innocent man's practice and terrifying the rest of her staff. "This is how I get what I want," says Shitter. He puts pressure on people until they snap. Cuddy accuses him of punishing innocent people, but Shitter says that no one here is innocent. House is addicted to painkillers and the staff members all know it, yet they allow him to hold patients' lives (or, in Shitter's case, dicks) in his hands. Shitter says that if House doesn't find another way to deal with pain, he'll kill someone. Cuddy says that if Shitter is right, then that's something that needs to be dealt with by medical professionals, not asshole police officers. "Well, it's not being dealt with by doctors," says Shitter. "Doctors are covering it up." And...oh. Oh, dear. I hate to admit it, but he seems to have a point there. Everyone around House knows he has a problem with painkillers -- both Cuddy and Wilson have even conspired to make House realize this -- and yet, they've only made a few superficial efforts to do anything about it and never followed through on any of them. House is too stubborn and difficult to deal with, so they've all just settled into writing the prescriptions he wants and telling themselves that he can function just fine and his patients aren't being endangered. Or that they'd be worse off if House didn't have his painkillers. Wilson is an oncologist; he really shouldn't be allowed to write prescriptions for his friend, whose condition is totally unrelated to Wilson's particular field of medicine. "You have failed," Shitter tells Cuddy. She has no response to this except a chastened, wide-eyed stare. I'm kind of disappointed in her. Maybe if she was wearing one of her trademark red outfits, she would have had more fire.
House enters the patient room and accuses Alice's mother of trying to kill her. As you can imagine, this goes over really well. Mother says that her father had gallstones once, and that they passed just fine. Except that her father was probably a bit older when this happened, so having gallstones wasn't totally abnormal, requiring further investigation. Father maintains that he wants Alice to have the surgery, but Mom says that House is just a doctor; she's Alice's mother. She outranks him.
But wait! We cut to a judge's chambers, where House argues that Alice's father is "willing to see reason," a.k.a., the judge says, "slavishly deferring to [House]." I think that judge has watched a few episodes of this show before. Mother says she just wants to get a second opinion, but House insists that Alice "might die" before this happens. There is no time! The Judge asks Cuddy -- who we suddenly see is standing in the back of the room watching this, muttering silent prayers that the only doctor she has who isn't too scared to practice medicine doesn't get thrown in jail for contempt of court -- what she thinks of House. Cuddy says that House is a jerk. A jerk who knows what he's doing.
Some court-ordered surgery happens.
In recovery, Alice's "skin hurts." Bitter Mom asks Foreman to take a look. Victorious Father thinks she's just looking for surgery complications. Bitter Mom sarcastically says that she hopes Alice dies so that her opinion will be vindicated. May not want to say that in front of your little girl, there, Mom. Little kids aren't the best sarcasm detectors, especially when they're recovering from surgery and all doped up on painkillers. Actually, Alice doesn't seem to be very dopey at all. I wonder if House stole her pain meds. I wouldn't put it past him at this point. Foreman calls the parents' attention to a nasty rash on Alice's belly. This shuts them up.
After the commercial, no one cares about Alice anymore. Instead, the Cottages are all on their cell phones, desperately trying to find out if/why their bank accounts have been frozen. House tries to get them back onto the case, and even grabs Foreman's phone and hangs up on his lawyer. Foreman yells at House to talk to Shitter and "make this go away." Chase ass-kisses that Shitter is obviously completely unreasonable and won't be talked to. House thinks the gallstones were caused by a bacterial infection, which then spread when they did the surgery and caused the skin rash. So, great plan cutting that girl open, there, House. Cameron snaps that she thinks the girl just had an allergic reaction, and then gets back on her phone and very kindly addresses the bank person on the other end: "Thank you for your help." Her accounts have been frozen, too. Chase's remain open, so he runs out to get as much money out of it as possible, something they probably all should have done when they found out what happened to Wilson. Meanwhile, House refuses to care about his Cottages' lack of funds.
Alice's favorite stuffed animal has been retrieved from the closed dry cleaners after Dad ran over there and begged them to release it. Amazingly, Mom does not go off on him for exposing their daughter to germs by bringing in an unclean stuffed animal. Meanwhile, Foreman's doing an allergy scratch test on Alice's back, which is not a fun experience for anyone. I had one on my arm once, and the allergist basically scratches your arm and exposes it to an allergen. He does this a bunch of times with several different allergens, all over your arm (or, in this case, back) and then waits to see how your skin reacts. If you're allergic, the spot gets all red and swollen and itches like crazy and you're not allowed to scratch at it. Torture! And then you find out you're allergic to some degree to, like, everything, and decide you'd rather enjoy the outdoors and get the sniffles than stay inside and hope there's no mold or dust around. Also, you can't ever own a cat. Dad goes off to get Alice some ginger ale, allowing Mom to shit-talk him to Foreman and Alice, neither of whom wants to hear it. Mom, I know you're bitter and divorce sucks and he's probably done all kinds of things to make you feel this way, but can it in front of the kid, okay? When random doctors who don't even care about their patients' feelings are telling you to do it, you really need to listen.
Somehow, Shitter was not able to have House's PSP confiscated as evidence, so House is playing that in a heretofore unseen lounge when Wilson stops by. He's no longer an oncologist at PPTH, but, somehow, he still has to do Clinic hours. Man, no one gets out of Clinic hours. I'll bet Cuddy has forced people to do Clinic hours who aren't even doctors! House says that Wilson is making a peanut butter sandwich in the lounge because he doesn't have the money to buy it in the hospital cafeteria. They're lucky to have that lounge and its free food! The hospital I worked at used to charge us for peanut butter spread for our bagels! One day they raised the price of the little peanut butter containers by a dime, and there was almost a riot. But we were soon placated by the promise of a weekly burrito bar and then decided just to steal some sodas and call it a day. Anyway, Wilson cites Lenny Bruce as someone who tried to stand up to the police for unfairly charging him, and ultimately paid for it with his career when his act turned into "long, humorless rants about fascist cops and the violation of his rights." So, Wilson, are you saying that no one wants to hear about or see the police harass people and violate their civil rights? Because I agree! Let's end this story arc and never speak of it again. Actually, I think what Wilson's really saying is that we should never challenge the police when they harass us unfairly. We should just roll over and take it when things get difficult. Good lesson. Chase stops by and says that the scratch test results have come back. House steals half of Wilson's peanut butter sandwich and leaves the room. He has no shame. Wilson just takes it, because he knows that the best way to deal with someone who treats you badly is to give him whatever he wants and hope things get better.
According to the scratch test, Alice is allergic to everything. She got one hundred percent on her test! Way to go, Alice! House says that the results can't be correct and tests his theory by ordering Alice to eat the peanut butter sandwich, which he says is a "magic sandwich." Alice starts to say that she doesn't believe in magic sandwiches, so House orders her to "take a damn bite." She does, and has no allergic reaction. House determines that the scratch test must be wrong, and that they can feel free to give Alice the broad-spectrum antibiotics the test said she was allergic to for the infection he's sure she has. Foreman doesn't think this is a good idea; if House is wrong, Alice's system will totally shut down. House angrily orders Chase to give Alice the meds. Chase doesn't know what to do. He's relieved when the Father steps forward and says that he won't allow them to give Alice the meds.
Here come da judge! Hilariously, it's exactly the same judge they had yesterday, and House is trying to use the same argument, except this time, it's the mother who's willing to see reason instead of the father. This does not go unnoticed by the judge. "I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today," House says, looking sheepish. Awesome. The parents start bickering again, still refusing to get the hint that no one wants to hear their petty squabbles, and the judge accuses everyone of wasting her time and awards temporary guardianship of Alice to someone who can actually make a decision in Alice's best interests -- a doctor. Cuddy, who's standing in the back of the room looking like she wouldn't mind if a hole opened up beneath her, is forced to speak up and say that House is probably not the best candidate for this. The judge says she wasn't going to award guardianship of Alice to House -- she's awarding it to Cuddy. Wonderful!
So now Cuddy has guardianship of both House's patient and his pills. He can't stand it. He demands that she give him some pills and put Alice on broad-spectrum antibiotics. Understandably, Cuddy's still a little overwhelmed by everything. She wonders how she can make a medical decision for a kid she doesn't even know. Hey Cuddy -- you're just her guardian in terms of medical decisions. You don't have to be the kid's mom. We all know how bad Cuddy can be when it comes to making medical decisions for people she has an emotional investment in. She tells House to put Alice on only one antibiotic. House says that won't be enough. Cuddy says it will be. House is happy enough with this, since Cuddy also gives him his pill allowance.
With Cuddy and House out of the office, Shitter is free to interview the Cottages again. Foreman's first up, and he plays it cool, refusing to tell Shitter anything, even after Shitter says he did some research into Foreman's backstory and found out that Foreman has a brother in jail for drugs. Shitter says that if Foreman testifies against House, he'll make sure Foreman's brother is out on parole in a few months. Oh, that's great. Putting one criminal out on the streets to lock another one up. Hooray for justice! All the goodwill I had toward Shitter when he made that point to Cuddy just flew out the window. Shitter says he knows how much Foreman hates hypocrisy (I guess he read last week's script; otherwise I don't know how he could have figured this out through his limited contact with Foreman) and thinks it would be hypocritical of him to let House have all those chances and Foreman to have two chances himself, and only leave his brother with one. Foreman thinks this over to manufacture suspense.
The antibiotics haven't killed Alice, and her parents celebrate by fighting with each other. Mom threatens to sue for sole custody, and Alice's blood pressure and heart rate start to go up. Cuddy is concerned about this, while the parents are too busy having issues with each other to care about anything else. Finally, Cuddy just kicks them out of the room, assuring them that they're equally responsible for causing Alice's anxiety attack.
Chase reports that his bank accounts have finally been frozen. Foreman's surprised; he thought that Chase's accounts were staying open because Chase had cut a deal with Shitter. He's sure Chase will talk now that they have been frozen. Chase points out that he can't really win here. Alice's mom walks in the room and manages to speak to them without trying to start a fight. She asks if Alice is having another procedure done, since she isn't in her room. Chase jumps up and tells Foreman to call Security.
Chase and his strange-looking wardrobe choice of tight jeans with a dress shirt and tie run out to the lobby, where Dad is bringing Alice back. She seemed totally healthy when he kidnapped her, but by the time they got outside, she turned stiff and couldn't move. You know, I think the Mother's right; Dad loves to make grand gestures, but he's also too impulsive and impractical. Also, he's an idiot.
Alice's muscles have all frozen up, which House says could make her a medalist in the luge if her liver doesn't continue to shut down and kill her first. House is such an optimist sometimes. Foreman thinks they're looking at a neurological condition, but House would rather spend this time blaming Cuddy's one antibiotic decision on this as well as trying to score more drugs from her. He says he's unable to focus on the case without them, and the Cottages don't have any answers themselves. He starts yelling at Cuddy, and Alice responds with another anxiety attack. House doesn't care about Alice, though. He says he's in a "buttload of pain," so he should have a "buttload of pills." I was not aware that "buttload" was now a standard unit of measurement. Cuddy tells him he can swallow a bottle of aspirin, but that he's not getting any Vicodin. This gives House a Brilliant Idea, so he runs out of the room. Foreman mutters that they should just draw straws to see who has to buy House an 8-Ball, which is another standard unit of measurement I was not aware of.
House goes outside and asks the parents which one of them gave Alice aspirin and, therefore, Reye's Syndrome. This, of course, gives the parents the chance to do what they do best -- blame each other and fight. Dad denies giving Alice aspirin, but no one believes him, since he tried to kidnap his daughter the day after she had her freaking gallbladder removed. Mom left Alice with a babysitter a few nights ago, but says the babysitter knows not to give Alice aspirin. House tells Cuddy to start treating Alice for Reye's Syndrome and to give him more pills. Now that he's done what she needed and made his brilliant diagnosis, she hands him a few. Positive reinforcement.
Alice's new mom explains the process of blood filtering to her. Alice says that she's scared. Cuddy assures her that it won't hurt, but Alice doesn't seem very confident. She's also upset that her parents seem to hate each other so much that she doesn't think they'll ever get back together. "Well, you never know," Cuddy says stupidly. This makes Alice smile. It's always a good idea to fill kids with false hope. Cuddy Mom Test #1: Failed!
Cameron meets with Shitter. "You gonna break out the rubber hoses, the bright lights?" she asks, sounding just a little too hopeful. She makes it clear to Shitter that she will not be turning House in. Shitter says he knows this, and that he knows why: Cameron's in love with House. She denies this, but he has "proof": Cameron used to be a good little girl who even turned herself in when her professor made a mistake grading her Calculus test. Now, how the HELL does he know that? Did he read her blog? Can you imagine how many real criminals Shitter could have put away by now with all the time and effort he's devoted to this one case? He also tries to talk about Cameron's Poor Dead Husband, but she cuts him right off and then doesn't launch into a tale of her Tragic Backstory. Wow, she really has changed. I'm so proud! Shitter agrees with me; House has changed Cameron. But he doesn't think it's for the better. I guess he hasn't seen Season 1 yet.
Cuddy checks on Alice, who's doing fine. Or at least she was; now she's suddenly whimpering in pain. Her arm below the IV line is turning white; Foreman says that it must be a clot. They'll need to operate.
In the operating room, Foreman removes the clot while Cuddy notices that Alice has a fever. Up in the balcony, Cameron scolds House for "flashing" his "private stash" in front of her while she's trying to cover for him to the cops. House snaps at her even though she's totally right.
And Shitter has lunch with Chase. We find out that Chase's account weren't frozen after all; he just told everyone they were so that they wouldn't wonder what Chase had done to keep them open. Shitter is exploiting Chase's reputation as an "opportunist," which, like all these other things he knows about the Cottages, I have no idea how he could have discovered. Shitter says that Chase is in between a rock and a hard place here: if he tells on House, House will be fired and Chase will lose his job. If he doesn't tell on House, House will keep his job but think that Chase told on him and fire him. And Shitter's pretty sure House will suspect this, since everyone in the hospital is witnessing Chase and Shitter having a seemingly pleasant lunch together. Chase looks around and sees that, indeed, a bunch of hospital employees are looking at him and Shitter and whispering to each other. Shitter laughs evilly and wishes he had a moustache to twirl.
Meanwhile, Alice is burning up and PPTH ran out of cooling blankets and ice packs, probably because Shitter had them confiscated for his investigation. Cuddy decides to take matters into her own hands, and starts disconnecting Alice from the machines. Up in the balcony, Cameron and Chase try to figure out what gave Alice that clot, while House paces around and whines that he needs more Vicodin. He goes to yell at Cuddy down in the operating room, but both she and Alice are gone.
Alice and Cuddy are posed, in the most dramatic way possible, in the shower, Cuddy sitting on the floor with Alice lying in her lap. Somehow, Cuddy manages to keep her makeup on even in the water. House kicks the stall door in and Cuddy shows him that Alice's arm has the rash on it again. She thought they fixed the infection, but House says that obviously those crappy antibiotics Cuddy gave Alice instead of his awesome broad-spectrum ones didn't do the job. "It's a good thing you didn't become a mom, 'cause you suck at it!" House snaps at Cuddy. Hmm...it's probably not a good idea to lash out at the one person who can force you to go to sensitivity training classes, House. Also, you're an asshole. I wish I could say I'll never forgive House for this, but I know I will.
The Cottages find House on the balcony being an eight-year-old and shining his laser pointer at the people below. He asks them what Alice's returning rash tells them. Apparently, it tells them nothing. House snaps at them for their lack of response, and says that Alice's infection has grown too powerful for broad-spectrum antibiotics, so the only way to stop it is to figure out exactly what it is. The Cottages speak up only to tell House that their bank accounts are now unfrozen. "Horrible, horrible news," House snarks. They say it is for House; if Shitter's not putting pressure on them, it means someone turned House in and he got what he wanted. House keeps trying to talk about their patient, and they finally get the hint and start trying to diagnose her. Cameron's diagnosis comes with an "and I didn't say anything to Tritter!" tacked on the end of it that would, quite frankly, make me suspect her all the more. "Neither did I!" Foreman supplies. Chase tries to be all subtle and suggests that maybe no one turned House in and that Shitter's just trying to make them think someone did. Foreman and Cameron quickly turn against Chase, saying that they know he was hanging out with Shitter and laughing and now all their bank accounts are back. House tells them to treat Alice for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which sounds like a lot more fun than it probably is, much like "Rocky Mountain Oysters," which are actually bull testicles, or the John Denver song "Rocky Mountain High," which isn't about drugs at all, but about boring old natural beauty. Foreman and Cameron leave to pretend to do their jobs while they complain about Shitter. Chase asks House if they can "talk." Surprise, surprise, House says no. He figures that either Chase tuned him in and wants forgiveness, or he didn't turn House in and wants praise; House won't be offering either one. If I were Chase, I think I would turn around and turn House in, just for that. It's all well and good to disregard society's code of politeness and respect for your fellow humans, House, but don't expect it to also give you anyone's everlasting loyalty.
Wilson finds Cuddy crying in her office. Wilson instantly knows that it's House-related, and asks her what happened. She says that she's seen House be mean to people before, but that it was always to achieve something. This time, he was mean to her just to be mean. Wilson wonders what House could have possibly said to Cuddy to make her this upset. She says that House actually has the ability to be tactful and hold himself back from really hurting people. This time, he didn't hold back and said the one thing he knew would do this to her. She tells Wilson how she'd been trying to get pregnant, and that House called her a failure as a mother. And House knows that Cuddy knows he's right. She failed to conceive (I'm sorry she's upset about this, really, because I don't want to see my Cuddy upset. But I'm also really happy we won't have to deal with the Cuddy-is-a-new-mom story arc, especially after suffering through this story arc. No more story arcs, show), and she failed to be a mother to Alice. Instead of being natural and caring, Cuddy felt awkward and terrified and even told Alice that her parents might get back together just to make the kid feel better. Wilson's like, "Uh...yeah...maybe that was kind of ill-advised." Cuddy wonders if she just doesn't have a natural maternal instinct. Wilson says that House certainly did poke the right spot. DUH, Wilson. Now what are you going to do about it?
Alice's rash is spreading. It's all over her left arm and leg. The Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever medication isn't working.
House is still in pain. The Cottages are still sulking -- especially Chase, who's sure they'll find a way to blame this on him screwing something up like they always do. Well, it's about freaking time he stood up for himself! Too bad it he waited until he pretty much had nothing to lose. Oh well. House says that the infection must have moved into Alice's muscle sheath -- necrotizing fasciitis, a quick internet search for which pulled up a whole bunch of bad, bad images. The only thing they can do for Alice now is to amputate both her arm and leg before the infection spreads. Cameron doesn't want to do this without a confirmed diagnosis, because she apparently just got amnesia and forgot the last three years, every day of which her boss had absolutely no problem taking drastic action without a confirmed diagnosis. House says that they don't have time for confirmation. The Cottages continue to disagree, so House screams at them. He says he knows their patient is a cute little six-year-old, but that they're not going to cure flesh-eating bacteria with sunshine and puppies: "Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required. You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling; I'm gonna go do my job." You guys, I don't think he's talking about Alice here. I don't think he's talking about himself either, because last time I checked, he wasn't innocent. And if he really thinks he is, that's all the more reason for someone to put him in check. I just don't think this was the way to do it.
And so we cut to the Sad Montage. I'm amazed when it kicks off with House actually having what appears to be a caring and considerate chat with Alice's parents. Alice's cute widdle arm is marked off with a cute widdle pen and then she goes into the operating room where we see all the cute widdle tools they'll be using to remove her limbs. There are almost too many shots of the surgical tools, some bathed in a glowing light, and the montage threatens to turn into some kind of surgical tool infomercial.
In the meeting room, the Cottages sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. They're also wondering if House's diagnosis was right. Chase starts fooling around with House's laser pointer, and Foreman yells at him, saying he doesn't want to have his retinas burned out. Chase makes fun of him, and then has a Brilliant Realization of his own. He runs out of the room.
Instead of, you know, going to the operating room to stop the unnecessary surgery that will change Alice's life forever, Chase instead runs to House and tells him to do that. Alice doesn't have necrotizing fasciitis; she has erythropoietic protoporphyria -- an allergy to light. House shrugs Chase off, saying that his infection theory is better. Chase says that the light allergy explains everything -- every time Alice got worse, it was when she was either under hot surgical lights or when he father took her outside into the sunlight. House says that doesn't explain the liver, and tells Chase to get out of his way. Chase will not move and even gives House a slight shove backward, so House punches him in the face. Well, at least he didn't tell Chase that he was a failure as a parent. House even seems shocked at his behavior, and Chase takes advantage of that to explain that the light damages the blood cells, which contain protoporphyrin, which builds up in the liver. And that explains Alice's liver damage. Meanwhile, other hospital workers calmly walk past the scene, not even stopping to think about how this is the coolest thing they've ever seen.
Alice gets a stay of limb execution just in time. Phew!
Cuddy explains Alice's illness to her parents, who are not totally pissed off at PPTH for almost removing their daughter's limbs unnecessarily after taking guardianship of her away from them. But anyway, Cuddy says that Alice has had the illness all along, but only now did the accumulation of the protoporphyrin in Alice's liver get bad enough to cause problems. The liver damage was what caused the gallstones, which means that, thanks to House, Alice is now minus one gallbladder and can look forward to digestive issues for the rest of her life. She can also look forward to a life of special lightbulbs, filters on her windows, no going out in the sunlight without basically wearing a burkha, and, worst of all, homeschooling. The parents might want to consider moving Alice to Alaska or someplace with six months of darkness so that she can sort of have a normal life. The parents' first concern, of course, is which one of them gave Alice the genes for this illness. Man, they will blame each other for just about anything, won't they? Cuddy rolls her eyes and says that they'd both have to be carriers for Alice to get it, and that when Alice wakes up, they should consider not being total jackoffs to each other. And Dad might want to consider shaving, because only House can pull off that ridiculous 5 o'clock shadow Dad's been sporting all episode.
One seriously pissed-off Chase marches into the lounge and starts fixing himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Wilson's already there, of course, since he has nowhere else to go and nothing else to do with his time. Chase tattles to Wilson that House screwed up and almost maimed a cute little girl. But Chase saved the day, and House didn't even care. Wilson says the fact that Chase saved a little girl should be enough for him. Waiting for House's approval, Wilson says, is like waiting for Godot. Except that it has to be less boring. The only thing that made reading Waiting For Godot bearable in English class was pronouncing the T in Godot's name and thinking about those Go-Bot toys I used to own which were so much better than Transformers. And then I'd usually fall asleep. Chase says that he isn't waiting anymore, and storms out, revealing the bruise on his face House gave him as he turns away. Wilson looks very concerned.
Shitter hangs out in his PPTH room that I still can't believe Cuddy just let him have, apparently waiting for someone to stop by and talk to him. It's, like, 11 o'clock at night, dude. GO HOME. But of course, someone does stop by, ready to talk. It's Wilson. "I'm gonna need thirty pieces of silver," he Bibles, referencing how Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. Except that makes House the Jesus, which I'm not sold on. Especially if it somehow makes Cuddy the Mary who got pregnant without having sex. No pregnancies for Cuddy, please. Anyway, I'm surprised to find myself actually agreeing with Wilson's decision here. House is out of control and he is ruining people's lives and PPTH and he needs to be stopped somehow. You can't punch your employees in the face or steal your friend and co-worker's prescription pads or, worst of all, make Cuddy cry and not face any consequences for it. It'll be interesting to see what those consequences will be.